Monday, December 17, 2012

Karma Is A Bitch

This fete galante has come to a close. After 39 days, The Philippines has kindly asked us to take our leave and pack up our wares. Gingerly, we tuck our tissue wrapped porcelain into our picnic baskets and prepare to skip into the yon. Over our shoulders, gentle yet insistent waves purr, "get out, get out, get out." Bundle up those notions and trimmings, those cares and dreams. Nestle burrito rolls of sandy panties between the crinoline and farthingale. And when the covered wagons groan weak with the weight of our past, we can look once more at what was, what never will be again. Blow your kisses to the creepy crawlies. Wave goodbye to the frivolity of yesteryear. Exhale one last hot breath over the sweat in the sand. Salt on salt. Life sucked dry. And when you've said your final farewells, trundle onward, gentle readers. Trundle into your futures until you hear the camera's final whir. That last clickety clack of an empty magazine. The flicka flicka flicka of one lonely frame of film ticking down to silence. Fin. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin our final chapter of our torrid Filipino tale with the night chirping all around us. The crickets sing a mournful tune for our lost hot tamale. Looking around, the camp is a little blander, a little *yawn*.  Fetid clothes hang limply. An empty pot where abuela's rice and beans once sat proudly now sits empty and alone. Little footprints marking out the Merengue encircle the dying campfire. Yet our four remaining Survivors, giggle and guffaw. Yo, Melty (Michael) and Blair (Lisa), are you still giggling and guffawing this morning? Has the joy of kicking out your one and only chance of winning lingered? I wonder...

Golden Boy (Malcolm) is the only one whose giggles are tinged with worry. That feisty Shakira (Abi-Maria) dropped a compliment bomb and now he's left to sweep up the pink mist and body parts. Not only did she not go gentle into that good night, but she laid a wreath of laurel atop Golden Boy's head. With anger and resentment, Golden Boy rips the wreath off his head and tangles with the leaves caught in his tendrils. Furiously he tries to bury the crown deep in the sand hoping no one remembers ever seeing it. Maybe no one noticed. Maybe they were too busy giggling...

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, you will race through a series of obstacles collecting bags of puzzle pieces along the way. Once you have all three bags of puzzle pieces, you will then use the pieces to solve a puzzle. But hold onto your nipples, bitches. This isn't just a regular ole Reward Challenge. This is a Reward Challenge that will inexplicably give the winner a huge advantage in the final Immunity Challenge. Como what? Why? Have we ever seen this before? Can't you just toss another enormous meal their way - I think it's been 8 hours since they've last gorged themselves on a buffet - and be done with it? What is this cockamamie advantage you speak of? Come back from Clever Clever Land, producers. Different doesn't always mean "better". Oh well. Survivors ready, go!

The players burst forth and as has been the norm lately, Melty and Golden Boy take an early lead with Dr. Denise somewhere in the middle and Blair way far behind wrestling with the skirts of her burka. If we fast forward to the puzzle portion, we'll find Denise furiously sliding pieces in and out - kind of like she does daily with her penis and vagina displays back in her sex office. "This one goes here and that one goes there." Melty, however, doesn't play with penis parts on a daily basis so he sits in a confused jumble while the puzzle pieces leap out of the puzzle frame - on their own accord - and into this lap.

Without a prayer and a clue, we can count Melty out and focus our attention on the good doctor and the young stud. Sliding a crucial piece into place, Golden Boy makes it over the hump and is able to slide the remaining pieces back into their rightful homes. There is no stopping him now as GOLDEN BOY WINS REWARD!!!

Back at Migrayne (Dangrayne), a woefully exhausted stench lingers in the air. Not only is everyone plum tuckered out, but that pesky Golden Boy has won an advantage in the next Immunity Challenge. Blair, in particular, is miffed and ticked and kerflipped. Ever since her brother Injustice visited the camp and gave her an injection of the naughty stuff, Blair's bloodlust for Golden Boy has been insatiable. At night she howls and claws at the earth while snarling and drooling over his sleeping form fighting the urge to sink her fangs into his tan and inviting throat. The longer he stays in this camp breathing and moving and adjusting his swim trunks just so, the more she craves his scarlet life force dripping down her chin. Plus, he's just so freaking good at everything! This Elizabeth Bathory of the Survivor world can only lay dormant for so long. It was the "Sister! Sister!" that set her off. We all have a trigger word that gets our juices flowing and makes our primal instincts bubble to the surface. "Sister" is Blair's ("Nipple" is mine).

Speaking of Golden Boy, he has long had a final three deal with Melty and Blair - only, I don't think they really know about it. Injustice left 7 weeks ago and Blair has been licking Melty's many bloody wounds to quench her thirst for strapping young buck blood. Ever since the Jeff Kent days, where a rotted parsnip and a carpet fiber equaled a million dollars, Blair has pined for Golden Boy's demise. And even though she turned on him in the past - lied to his front, pinched him in his back - Golden Boy still trusts her. In fact, he trusts her so much that he has now completely turned on his best good friend, Dr. Denise, Medicine Woman.

Dr. Denise and Malcolm have a lengthy history together. They survived the tyranny of Dreads (Russell) , were cruelly ripped apart midseason, and then happily reunited like a Parent Trap movie. This unlikely couple warmed our cockles. Their little hand dances and high fives made us want a wiggedy whack friendship just like theirs. Unfortunately, wiggedy whack has a short shelf life especially with that creepy Blair and Melty buzzing about camp murmuring about apostles and angels and vanilla wafers (surely Jesus tastes like vanilla, right?). With platitudes and beatitudes hanging everywhere you turn, you can't help but doubt your inner goodness. Or the goodness of your best good friend.

So, with Golden Boy and Dr. Denise eying each other up and down suspiciously, all Melty and Blair had to do was kick back, puff on a couple of smokes and wait for the two players who actually deserve to win this game to come a'running begging for safety. And that's exactly what happened. Golden Boy heard the rumors in the wind that Dr. Denise would be hard to beat so he dropped that prune like a hot potato and pledged his allegiance to the Christian Right. Similarly, Denise has been hearing some awfully good things about this Golden Boy lately. A) He's golden and gold is always good, never bad. Charcoal would be bad. Festering pus sores would be bad. But Golden Boy is neither. He's shiny, hard and looks fabulous with a tan. B) People like a Golden Boy. He's good for all occasions. He's fun at holiday parties, devilishly handsome in a lederhosen while scrubbing your kitchen floor, and knows his way around the back of a bar. Clearly, he must be destroyed.

From the looks of things, Blair and Melty are sitting pretty high atop their perch of judgment. No matter how many times I go over the calculations in my head, these two chuckleheads have a majority and will most certainly be going to the final three together. It doesn't even matter who wins Immunity. They'll both go in every scenario. The problem is that they don't very often agree on much. Blair wants to cut her threats loose as soon as possible while Melty wants to suckle them and take them to the end. You see, Melty has heard these rumors about Golden Boy, but he doesn't believe them at all. Somewhere in the fleecy cotton woolly section of his brain is a part that tells him he is the Sole Survivor. When Shakira hit him in the head with that coconut way back when, she must have broken the pulley that carries oxygen to Melty's noggin. You need to understand that Melty's brain doesn't look like yours or mine. His is made of legos and string and looks a lot like a dumb waiter. Only one thing can be delivered at a time - whether it be oxygen, pain, sight, recognition, memory. So when one of those strings breaks, we get a broken record of whatever it is he last heard. Today the record scratches... s-s-s-s-sole survivor, s-s-s-s-sole survivor.

And then everyone died.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge you will stand in the scorching sun and balance a ball on some sticks. Every 5 minutes your sticks will get longer while the softcore porn ab-cam zooms in on your tummies (except burka Blair's) and tries to look down your shorts. While your ripply taut muscles glisten in the sun you'll need to keep your balls from dropping. Except for you Golden Boy. If you drop your ball, you get another chance. Survivors ready, go!

The challenge begins and while the first round was simple enough with tiny little pixie sticks, we can see that Golden Boy is going to have a problem. All those bitches telling him he'd win everything has seeped into his brain and now his hands have a touch of the Parkinson's. Hey, I get it. I'm the exact same way. It drives me crazy when people say, "I can't wait for your next blog!" I don't know why, but it's like a festering fart in my face as I try to write. That one tiny comment can wreak havoc on my entire existence. And apparently Golden Boy is the same way. Which is why we should probably get married and have a lot of sex. What do you say Golden Boy? I've got the lederhosen right here.

But I digress! Look, you would too if you had to shuffle through photos like this one. I mean, come on! One inhale and you know what's going to happen. I'm not going to say it. I'm a dignified writer who references Disney movies and obscure historical serial killers. Again, tangent. (My god, this blog sucks today.)

So, Michael J. Golden Boy has a spasm in like round 2 and this happened. Naturally, his "touch" of Parkinson's is now full blown and attacking his entire central nervous system. We all know what's going to happen now. It is written all over Golden Boy's face. While he is a determined young buck, he has a teeny tiny problem of whisking away the bad thoughts and replacing them with happy ones in times of stress. And so, without a breeze, without a jostle, only with the camera strangely caressing his torso, Golden Boy flubs again and is out of the challenge. In anger he chucks his sticks at Dimples' head while fighting back tears of frustration. Come, come, Golden Boy. Rest your head on my bosoms. Shhh, there, there. *handcuffs Golden Boy to nightstand*

Back at the challenge, we are left with who we are left with. It is an unremarkable threesome, really. Whoever wins, it doesn't matter. We know who they'll pick. We know how this will play out. To their credit, they duke it out a little longer with Denise dropping next followed by Blair. So, ugh, MELTY WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at camp everyone congratulates Melty. Thin, sheer congratulations. Flimsy, meaningless congratulations. Congratulations' that don't mean anything. Congratulations' that you can easily poke your finger through. So while the monkey cymbals in Melty's brain were clapping with joy, Golden Boy confesses that everyone telling him he'd win really threw him off his game. In fact, it was Dr. Denise who laid it on pretty thick beforehand. Was it a reverse psychology thing? Did she know showering Golden Boy with compliments would completely freak him the fuck out? I wonder... tricky tricky Medicine Woman. It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time. It's tricky. 

So with the clang clang clanging in his noodle, Melty is very proud of himself. He hasn't tripped over anything or rammed a crustacean into his cornea yet today. And he has won Immunity. It's a banner day that calls for a smug face and an "I told you Golden Boy wasn't unbeatable." Dude, you held some sticks together. When you have Cocoa Puffs and cotton balls for a brain, it's easy not to let outside thoughts invade your mental clarity. Your thoughts get stuck in your creaky pulleys and just kind of hang out there until someone accidentally bumps into you and sends them to the proper nerve center.

All anyone can do now is make their case to the duo in charge. Again, how the hell did this happen? But, here we are with both Denise and Golden Boy pleading their cases to Melty and Blair. Denise says what Shakira and others have been saying at every Tribal Council - "No one can beat Golden Boy." Blair licks it up and loves it while Melty is offended that no one talks about him that way. He lost an eyeball, a tooth, scraped his knee, jostled his pulleys, broke a toe, survived an ember attack yet no one is singing his praises like they do the Golden Boy. Plus, if everyone thinks Golden Boy is so great then wouldn't it be better to win Survivor going up against the fiercest competition? There's that annoying morality crap turns people into dummies and ends up costing them a million dollars. It's always rearing its ugly head and waving pudding fingers in your face trying to lull you into a sense of uselessness.

And here we are at our first Tribal Council of the night. I'm going to kind of cruise through this because, let's face it, the only semi-interesting part of this finale episode was the jury. I hate to say I told you so (no I don't), but that is what happens when you lose the only player serving up any drama. The last thing I want to see is a bunch of people getting along. No one wants to see that! I want 13 episodes of Shakira spitting Brazil nuts in everyone's eyes and sprinkling the air with putas. Come back Shakira... come baaaack.

So, blah blah blah. In the end, Melty pussies out and we are forced to say goodbye to our man candy as Golden Boy is the 15th person voted out of Survivor Philippines. Golden Boy had a lot of promise for villain status early on, but it never really panned out. He went the way of the nice guy and I think it clouded his judgment a little bit. Had he stayed loyal to Denise, brought Shakira into the fold and just got his ass into that final three, he would be a millionaire today (or standing on the corner of the freeway selling fruit if you're Jeff Kent). Golden Boy played an excellent game up until those last few weeks where he somehow let the power fall into the hands of an indecisive Christian and the camp jester. However! The good news is he'll be getting another chance to redeem himself. That's right, ladies. Golden Boy will be back for Survivor Caramoan. And he goes into it with the biggest advantage you can ever have in Fans v. Favorites - at the time of filming, no one (fan or fave) had any idea who he was. So, good luck Golden Boy. It's been a pleasure embarrassing you these past few months. I look forward to doing it again in February. And, call me! I've got those lederhosen all ready for you.

Back at camp, the final three bemoan how brutal that Tribal Council was. Well, in front of each other they do, but once you get those scamps alone, their real feelings come tumbling out and they're very different from feeling sorry for poor sad sack Golden Boy. Denise, the queen of matter of fact, tells it like it is. She outwitted Golden Boy, plain and simple. Which, if we're being really real, isn't exactly true. The truth is that Blair and Melty were less scared of her than they were of Golden Boy. Speaking of Blair, is that her burka I see strewn on the shore? Yup. Blair is having celebratory naked time in the water while Melty is off pouting because Golden Boy congratulated Denise at Tribal Council for winning a million dollars. That last little remark by our resident stud really chapped Melty's ass which, naturally, makes me giggle. It's always funny to see a grown man act like a 13 year old girl who just got passed over for the winter formal. Maybe he'll ask you out next year Melty. Fingers crossed!

Let's skip forward to the good stuff. And by "good stuff", I mean "mediocre crapola." I don't know. Correct me if you think I'm wrong, but I really hated this finale. There were a few classic Jury moments but nothing like Juries of yesteryear. This Jury was more into hearing themselves speak than they were into hearing answers to questions. And since I was so dissatisfied with the performance of these stoned miscreants, I've heavily edited the nothing material they thrust upon me. Let us begin.

First up is Dr. Denise. With a laser pointer to the Survivor logo, she begins her speech,
"I beat all of you bitches. Wut wut! Here I am and there you are. Peace out."

Blair is up next and unfortunately for us all, she is not quite as succinct as Denise is.
"My strategy wasn't pretty. I fell down, I dusted myself off, and I learned. It took me 86 weeks to figure out that Survivor was a game and had Injustice never told me that teeny tiny fact, I might not even be here today. But thanks to him *swoon* and the deep thrust of ideas he squirted deep inside me, I survived to play my ugly game. It wasn't pretty. But I threw a punch and knocked out the heavyweight Golden Boy. God be with you."

Lastly we have Melty.
"Returning player. Returning. Player. I did things with such FIRE this time. And I didn't even fall in! I love Survivor. I melt it from my innards. Partly, because the pus has to leak out once in a while or I get infected, but partly because I just LOVE this game so much!"

Blackbeard, please ask the finalists any questions you may have.
"Avast! Normally I'd congratulate all you scallywags, but not today. Shiver me timbers, I cannot do that. If you started this game with a holier than thou attitude - *cough Blair cough Melty* - and then played contradictory to that, you reap what you sow. Karma is a bitch! Arrr!"

And here comes Jello-Pop. With a slow long drag on his cigarette and a languid sip of what I can only assume is a Xanax/THC slushee, he begins...
"Hey, 'sup. Good game." 
*collapses into a heap of tweed and suede as a lone Sobranie burns a hole through his Saville Row trousers*

Prickly Pete approaches next. With the toe of his shoe, he rolls Jell-O Pop over for a flat surface to stand on.
"Blair, they should call you Judas."
"You hide behind everyone you didn't vote for."
"But I, I, I didn't know Blackbeard was going home!"
"Shut up bitch and go make me a turkey pot pie."
*Blair wonders to herself where production keeps the pie crust*
"Denise, why did you play this game better than everyone else?"
"I looked for the cracks and I penetrated them. I'm a sex therapist you know."

Squirming and giggling her way over to her assigned mark on the floor, RC smooths down the front of her crimson dress before tangling her jittery fingers together into a nervous jumble of skin and bones.
"A huh huh, a huh huh, a huh huh."
*Denise, Blair and Melty quizically look at one another*
"A huh huh, a huh huh..."
*The Jury shifts uncomfortably while Shakira sneaks a hand into her own bra*
"A huh huh, a huh huh, a huh huh..."
*Blair looks at her watch wondering when RC's time is up*
"A huh huh. Blair, you're sneaky and sweet. A huh huh."
"Thank you RC."
"Melty, a huh huh, tell me about day 19."
"I thought Scurvy was going home! I never wanted to get rid of you."
"A huh huh, a huh huh, a huh huh... a huh huh, a huh huh, a huh huh."
All of a sudden, the laughter stops as RC inhales sharply and her body begins to teeter forward. Cupping one hand over the side of his mouth, Prickly Pete leans forward and whispers to no one in particular, "Tim-ber!" When RC's body hits the floor, we see one shiny ninja star plunged into the back of her skull. With a slow smirk creeping up the corner of her mouth, Shakira stares straight ahead and beams.

Clean shaven and, for some reason, wearing another infernal ponytail (Stop it! I'm giving you advice here, girl advice, NO MORE PONYTAILS!!), Golden Boy is up next.
"I didn't have questions until now. Denise, stop appeasing everybody."
*Denise nods*
"Don't nod, don't nod! Cut it out! You're doing it again, making everyone happy."
*Denise stares with wide eyes*
"I want to know why you played better than everyone else."
*Denise begins to nod causing Golden Boy to make a slicing motion across his neck.*
"Don't lie. Don't appease. Don't be everyone's friend."
"Appeasing is who I am and keeping the peace is part of the game. I'm standing here and you're standing over there. Wut wut!"
"You didn't answer my question."
"It was a dumb ass question. I'm better than you. End of story."

A smiling Jeff Kent steps up to the plate and he seems different, almost jovial.
"Melty, there are three types of people in the world. People who make things happen, people who watch things happen and people who wonder what the hell just happened."
*Melty's smile contorts into a hard thin line as the Jury bursts into laughter.*
"Which one are you?"
"I definitely make things happen. When my name was said that one time at camp. That time when someone said, 'Where did Melty put the machete?' I went and i found it. Sure, I sliced off the end of my nose, but I found the machete when people wanted it."
"Blair, tell me how you didn't play the middle."
"I wasn't on The Middle. I was on The Facts... whoopsie. Never mind."
*Jeff Kent scratches his head*
"I can't recall ever playing the middle. I was the first one to make a major move. I knew Golden Boy had an Idol so I tattled to Prickly Pete and then he twisted my plan and turned it into his own so... what was the question again?"
"Plan B! Plan B! I did that. Morning After Pill. That was all me."

And here comes the one and only Shakira. Looking lovely in a cha cha dress.
"Ooh, I miss your Puta Rice & Beans, Shakira!"
"Shut up Melty. My heart is broken. Do you even care if I vote for you?"
"I deserve your vote."
"You deserve my foot in your cabeza, puta."
"Outwit, outplay, outlast."
"Shut up moron. You're such an idiot."

Last but not least we have Scurvy. I'm going to skip the first 20 minutes of his speech because it was basically him talking about heart and soul and congratulations and oh shut up, I don't care.
"Denise, I'm confused by things you've said tonight. No biggie, you've shown the world you're an enormous bitch."
*Denise looks back stunned*
"Melty, you were so worried about your name coming up, but your name was never written down! Mine was written down fifteen times. Fif-teen. You were never the target I was. Never!"
*Melty begins to eat his face*
"Blair, would you like to share your secret or shall I?"
*points to Blair with force* "YOU, madam, were on a television show! From 1833 until 1996 you were on The Facts Of Life." 
*turns to the Jury* "She was a TV star! American's Sweetheart! Guilty!!!"
Then, an interesting thing happened. All the God that Blair has ever known left her body, her soul, and her belief system in that moment. Poof! Just like that it was gone. Her eyes grew beady and black and she looked at Scurvy with an evil so pure that even I was impressed. Having said that, it was a great reveal by Scurvy and as much as I dislike him, I'll give him credit for that moment. He held onto that secret even while at Ponderosa waiting, planning, and plotting for this one moment. The pay off was worth it so good on you Scurvy. Now, go away. We're done here. Buh bye.

Bitch or not, the votes went the exact way they should have gone... CONGRATULATIONS DENISE!!! You have just won one million dollars (or a baggie of cigarette ashes if you're Jeff Kent).

Out of the choices we had left, I'm glad Denise won. I feel like she was the most deserving of the three, and hey, she reads this here little bloggy blog! Plus, it is incredibly comforting to know that her winnings will go towards vibrators and cock rings. I absolutely can't hate on that.

Overall, I enjoyed Survivor Philippines. There were a handful of casting missteps and some whackadoo production decisions (remember the ball in the mud forfeit???), but we had some interesting characters and hopefully I managed to entertain you all just a smidge. Super bitchy thanks to Shakira, Golden Boy, Jell-O Pop, Denise, Blair and Pixie for reading my silly drivel and taking the time to comment and/or send me love notes. More importantly, thanks to each and every one of you who come back week after week. Thank you for taking the time to comment whether it is to create insane stories of your own or just to yell at me. You guys rock. *dunk dunk*

So, what did you guys think of this season? Did the right person win? Was that finale as excruciating for you as it was for me? Did the Jury phone it in or were they all wasted? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! I'll see you back here Thursday, February 14th, 2013 for Survivor Caramoan!

And if you've enjoyed what I've done this season, please click on my PayPal Button and show a bitch some love.

Thanks to Rob Beasley for all of my Survivor photos!


  1. Wonderful work. I may have bitched a lot, but I must thank you for convincing me to watch once again. :)

    My highlight for the reunion was that twit RC showing what a bitch she really is. Sorry Goatweed!

  2. Thanks for another great season of blogs Colette!

    1. Thanks Cole! I'm so happy you joined the Bitchy Survivor Fantasy Game this year. So close yet so far.

  3. Hey Bitchness,
    Thanks for a job well done. I truly enjoy your blogs and you, my fellow bitch, do a fantastic job at it. Hope Santa brings you a shit ton of Gin and glitter for Christmas. See you in February.

  4. I was happy Denise won. She was my first choice, Malcolm second. I may be biased towards Denise because she is from Iowa also and she is so awesome to her fans on her page. I'm happy with the outcome though. I thought it was hilarious when Melty said nobody was ever gunning for Denise. Oh please, she almost got voted off more than once.

  5. Empty is delusional and arrogant.

    1. Stupid auto-correct. MELTY not empty! Fitting, though.

  6. This could all have ended so differently. Production foolishly left the eventual winner alone on the island with Shakira, and Shakira had a machete.

    Probst: "We're getting our first look at the new Dangrayne... Denise, missing since the reward challenge."

    Shakira: "She died of a spider bite, Puta. The spiders probably buried her in a shallow grave in the jungle."

    And a terrified jury goes on to award Shakira the million bucks.

  7. You are an amazing blogger! Lol. I am really heart broken when Golden Boy has been voted off. It sucks. It was like breaking up with someone. I am rooting for him since the very first time that I watched the season 25, honestly, he is the reason why I watched the whole episodes of Season25.Well, I am still happy though that Denise won, she still deserved it. Golden Boy trusted the Skupin and Lisa too much. He forget the word "blindside".Yeah I am bitter because GB didn't win, that's why I will still watch the replay of the Finale here in the Philippines on Thursday,maybe GB will win on replay. lmao*. But all in all, I love this season. Sorry for my grammar, not really good in English. :D :D

  8. Thanks for a great season Lala, you really make each week's episode seem a little longer with this little bloggy that follows.

    I really enjoyed the season, one of the best of all survivor seasons and do look forward to February.
    Denise was the perfect winner, still would have been great to see both her and Malcolm in the F3. What's this shit about Blair winning fan favorite.

    Once again, good stuff. Thanks so much for using the pics.

  9. I'm glad Denise won. I'm gladder that Blur crashed and burned. It is, of course, a tragedy beyond words that Golden Boy lost his touch in the last couple of episodes. Knifing Denise was a stupid move. He was always going to beat her if they both reached the final and if worst came to worst the prospect of one of GB and Denise versus one of Melty and Blur trying to make fire would have been golden.

    More seriously, they should think about a teensy-weensy little rule change. No final for you unless you've won at least 1 individual challenge.

    Blur contributed very little to this season except unfathomable and unplumbable levels of self-deceipt and self-righteousness. She knifed whoever she could whenever she could while vapouring to the audience about how hard it is to knife people.

    Her big moves didn't work. Her story went over to the jury like a lead balloon. And she delivered the most tedious confessional material since George Washington talked about cherry trees.

    Fortunately we have you, Miss Lala to make all the crooked plays straight and the straight plays crooked. I think. Or something. Magnificent blogging) See you in February.

    1. Thank you, Alan, for the perfect analysis of stupid Blair. Did you see Penner is claiming that Dimples tried to get him to not out her until the reunion?

    2. I don't think Blur is stupid. I think she realised she had very little chance of winning because of her performance at challenges so she devoted her energy to parlaying a confessional sob story into the fan prize.

  10. I can't wait for your next blog.

  11. I agree that of the final three, Denise deserved to win. Hind sight is 20-20 and looking back now, Golden Boy should have been wary of any alliance he entered into with Blair. She had shown herself to hatch some pretty ridiculous "big moves". But, whaddyagonnado? The final challenge is always some sort of endurance challenge, and I had a feeling that both women would do well in it and that Golden Boy was on thin ice with it. In the end, I don't think Melty or Blair had any chance of winning, and the only thing they could do was pick the person that they thought they had a better shot against. If they had voted out Doc, then Golden Boy would have won. I was pretty amazed though that they thought they had a better shot against Doc, because just like GB said, and was proven in the reunion, even if it was GB against Doc, Doc wins.

    Overall it was a good season. I wish we would have had a little more drama. More stuff like Abi on all the tribes. And I wish JK would have gone farther than he did. But I have to say, it seems like at least he had the right attitude about it all (including the pocket lint he would have won). The more I watched the Ponderosa footage, the more the shine came off of RC, though I still wouldn't mind a roll with her. Maybe I'd just keep her around as a booty call. She did make a good point though that Pete's move was ridiculously stupid, but really RC, let it go already! And what was the deal with Prickly Pete's shirt at the reunion? Did he think he was one of Tony Manero's friends at the disco? All he was missing was the gold chains. What a douche!

    I am looking forward to Caramoan, though I am a little miffed at some of the returning players I see(""reportedly"). But, I think at least we will get a lot of the drama we were lacking this season. The big question will be whether Phillip upgrades to a thong, or if he brings back the saggy maroon undies (did he tell you he was a federal agent?). Can't wait for February (assuming the world doesn't end in three days). Great work as always bitch!

    *Note to self, no more twitter messages to Lala saying I can't wait for the next blog.

    1. I'm with you on this one. i would totally have RC as a booty call.

    2. I read an interview w/ GB where he said that Carter, Pete, and Penner would have voted for him if he were up against Denise, but they didn't raise their hands to "mess with" CBS.

  12. I think this season was one of the better ones that we have had for a while and your blogs were great as always. I especially loved all the Shakira Gifs but I did at times stare at them for an uncomfortable amount of time while my co-workers wondered what my hands were doing under my desk.

    I am pretty sure that Jell-O Pop was stoned out of his mind and I still am not sure what he said, ant the rest of the Jury?....Meh, could have been better.

    Anyways thanks again for the lovely season and I look forward to perving out over your blogs beginning in February.


    P.s. wow this was a lame comment I guess this is why I don't write blogs.

  13. One question, well a couple actually. First, what was Scurvy's (Penner) justification for revealing Blair's (Lisa) "secret". To influence the jury to not vote for her because she used to be on TV? I didn't quite get it and found it to be rather petty.

    Second, we know that Scurvy and Melty (Skupin) recognized Blair. But no one said anything about Jeff Kent except for Dawson. It sounded like Scurvy knew who he was at the reunion.

    Finally, has anyone heard what was up with Blackbeard (Artis)? I have read interviews over the course of the season that he HATES Melty. I didn't see anything in the footage of the season that would have given any reason for hatred. And, I read something about Dimples and Blackbeard getting into it during rehearsals for the finale. It sure sounds like the portrayal as the "angry black man" isn't far from the truth.

    1. I did read that Artis really dislikes Skupin.When asked why he would only say "Mike knows'.Watching Ponderosa,and the Reunion he didn't seem angry with either.At Ponderosa he was always smiling,and didn't show any bitterness,compared to JK,JP,and RC.

  14. If Golden Boy had given Denise the idol when she asked for it before the penultimate tribal council, I don't think she would have flipped. So that little souvenir is worth a small fortune. Perhaps GB can sell it to Jeff Kent for some tip money....

  15. Great blog as always Lala!

    Agreed that Denise was most deserving out of the final 3 we had. I was a bit bummed, the last few eps I was really just rooting for Malcolm. Would've liked to see him and Denise go against each other in the finals. (though surprisingly I think the jury said they still would've voted for Denise)

    I was a bit surprised Malcolm didn't get voted the fan favorite of the season over Blair.

    Can't wait for February 14th, fans vs favs should be good. I'm not a fan of this format, but it doesn't appear CBS will ever give us an all-new cast again. I'd rather have this than just 2 or 3 returnees.

  16. I for serious died when you mentioned the pelvis shots.

    Glad I wasn't the only one who noticed them!

  17. Glad Denise won, she definitely is the most deserving. I don't know why people believe that Malcolm would have won (had he been in the final three) - after all, the jury members indicated that if it were between him and Denise, Denise would've won just the same.
    P.S. Lisa is fans' favorite?!!! The fans must've been stoned when choosing her as a favorite.

  18. I never got the fascination with GB.If he was that great you would think that he could of helped his tribe win one challenge.Maybe the challenge that sent them to their final TC.I also don't get what's wrong with an easy win,over a I think I can win.Abi was the perfect person to take to FTC.All GB had to do was give Abi the idol,and Denise would have been voted out.Abi was already lying about having an idol,she even asked GB to give her the idol.I guess GB wanted a little peace on the island that cost him the game.Denise said you have to make big moves,which Malcomn wasn't prepared to do.Denise was the only one GB couldn't beat,yet he kept her over Abi.We will see in Feb,if he is as great as he thinks he is.

  19. agree with Sue 100%. I enjoyed the season as a whole, though, and look forward to the nezxt one. Denise deserved the money compared to the others, and played a game similar to Sophie. Didn't do much, laid low, made no enemies and coasted in. She was great at challenges and my favorite going through, but not a decisive win like Kim or Boston Rob. Those two owned it nearly start to finish. Sick of Abi and Lisa, bye bye and I hope to never hear from you again. Oh, BTW-loved penner at final. I thought he was awesome, frank and honest and attacked them all. fireworks, yay!

    1. Yeah, it seems like Golden Boy missed the big chess move at the end. He should have worked with Abi to dispose of Denise. I am starting to think heat and exhaustion influence players' ability to see and analyze the game in real time no matter how much they try to explain their decisions after the show.

      I bet Penner knew Denise was going to win when he said one of you will ride in a champion on a chariot and the other two don't know they are the oxen pulling the chariot (to paraphrase). I don't think it was meant to be an insult, but a poetic observation. Penner should post on this blog. On the other hand, he really does like to show how smart he is and that might be why he was telegraphing Denise's win in prose and also disclosed Blair's former TV celebrity. Mostly the jury was kind of sleepy. Blair and Melty had no constituency and would have never had one unless they too tried to keep Abi.

      Lastly, I hope we see RC and Shakira shake it.....I mean compete on a future season called "Survivor: Boobies vs. Booties".

  20. Presidente of the Lala Fan ClubDecember 19, 2012 at 7:48 AM

    Dearest Lala,

    No Shakira or Golden Boy? Is there enough gin ot xanax to get you through such great disappointment? I would send the good Doc over to revive you from the great depth of pain and sorrow of the dismal finale, but alas SHE would only rub salt into your margarita/mojito-less wound.
    I know our sweet Shakira tried to gently warn Melty with her kind words of moron and idiot. But sadly Melty still could not understand he had no chance. Pass the tissue.
    And Blair, Blair, Blair. She had no chance, especially because Shakira sent her no warning whatsoever. What's a former teen star to do? Except figure out on day 39 that this is a GAME and try to win? Blair, Blair, Blair. Then she actually recites the Facts of Life theme song? Groans rang from living rooms across the nation. We all wish we had those needles the Doc desperately desired that afternoon.
    At least we had a little hint of Shades of Golden Boy when he addressed the Doctor. "Answer me, " he said. "You will speak in a way that pleased me. No you may not move your head while speaking. No movements. You will please me. You will do exactly as Golden Boy says."
    A collective gasp now from women everywhere at the edge of their seats. Imagine Golden Boy saying, "Dip into the glitter now. NO, not timidly. No, don't move your head. Glitter Bitch-"
    Moan...I mean Sigh...Alas dear Lala. This season is at a close. You have brought us on yet another delightful ride. Thanks for the laughs. Wishing you happy holidays filled with dreams of Golden Boy, Gin Pissing Statues and Glitter that stays on your nose and eyelashes...
    Wishing you warmth, health (stay true to your smoothie regiment) and wealth-give the Bitch some PayPal love!
    As ever,
    Your Beloved Fan Club Presidente

    1. El Presidente (or shall I call you "Jefe" for short?),

      I know not who you are, but I thank you for your official letters and notes from my fan club. And look at you, all clever clever with the Shades of Golden Boy. *spank for that because I didn't think of it first*

      Gratitude, Jefe. Now tweak my nipples or endure my wrath.
      Colette Lala

    2. Presidente of the Lala Fan ClubDecember 19, 2012 at 10:51 PM

      What am I, if not your humble tweaker, dear Lala?

  21. Thanks for a great season of blogging, Lala. At least this season didn't suck as much as the few prior. The jury was very... blah, but I did like Penner and Golden Boy. Denise, as I've said all along, had a leg up on a lot of the others due to being a therapist and having practice in reading people. I was very shocked to see that the jury would have voted for Denise over Golden Boy, to be honest. Golden Boy is just very... Ozzy-esque to me; I agree with whoever said that he was in the best position as a returnee because no one had seen him play or knows who he is.

    At least Blair/Melty didn't win; I would have been pissed. I wanted to gouge my eyes out with my own fingers every time she gave a confessional. I have had enough of the self-righteous, religious bullshit and I am NOT looking forward to Brandon Hantz coming back next season.

  22. Another great recap from the best in the world. We've been a stranger to posting comments this season, but there are a few things left to be said. One of them is the word, "Crass." Yes, "Crass." Thanks to one of the contestants, I'm getting to use a new word that I've never ever had an opportunity to use in my life. It's actually not a 'new' word - I learned it in grade school, the same place you learn everything else that you never used your entire life. Yet, I'm glad I learned it, even if I did have to wait decades to witness an example. Truthfully, I'm not sure if it's really even a word because I've honestly never even heard anyone else use it, much less had a chance to say or write it myself. I'll say it again. Crass. Shakira was crass. Shakira was crass, crass crass. Done, and I'll probably never get another chance to use it, again. I waited 40 something years to say that. In the end, my teachers were not as dumb as I thought.

    Now midway through the season was one of the best events of all Survivor history. Sarah Dawson kissing Jeff Probst on national television. It wasn't just a peck kiss, or smack kiss, but a tender jaw-dropping kiss, one probably full of delicious female saliva and germs that must have caused male hearts and legs to go thumping across America. You know... like when you rub a dogs belly, and his leg starts quivering real fast? That woman is a walking fibrillator. Wow!

    Then, the producers wait till the end of the season to show us that Jeff outstretched his arms, like... "Anybody want seconds?" Wow! Wow! Wow!!! (Be a good sport, Jeff)

    Finally, the funniest thing - when the jury questioned the final three, and Johnny Scurvy insisted that Dr. Denise stop nodding her head, Dr. just couldn't stop her head from nodding in agreement - looked just like a Jack-n-the-Box. I don't know if it was because she couldn't recover from the shock of what he said, because I don't remember which came first. But it was funny.

    This season was tough to watch, but it had it's moments. Thanks, Lala, for all the blog photos, for a mountain of extraordinarily and cunningly devised descriptions and all your hard work, and along with the Survivors crew making this another season that we'll remember.

  23. Just watched the Survivor Reunion Show - Kudos and thanks to EVERY single person in the cast of Survivor Philippines, and to everyone for a very nice epilogue to the season!

  24. Kinda did this on the last blog, but once again, great blog, really enjoyed it, lala, thank you. see everyone again in a couple months! Merry Xmas!

  25. Boring season, boring commenters.. Good writing on the blog. I only wish that Redneck Island would get the respect it so richly deserves.

  26. "Correct me if you think I'm wrong, but I really hated this finale. There were a few classic Jury moments but nothing like Juries of yesteryear. This Jury was more into hearing themselves speak than they were into hearing answers to questions."

    I completely agree. This jury was probably so tame and boring just because the final decision was so easy--no one really had a reason to dislike the good doctor or to not give her the million over Blair and Melty.

    As I suspected would happen, Golden Boy and Denise both went far after Matsing was dissolved. Denise suriving EVERY SINGLE TRIBAL COUNCIL may be the most memorable aspect of this season.

    Yet again, great work Lala! I love Survivor no matter what, but your blogs really seem to complete it all. Congratulations on another great season!

    P.S. Sorry that there will be more returning players next season. But hey, at least your Golden Boy will be one of them!


  27. Finally got a chance to see the finale and read your blog. Denise? Meh. I picked her to win from the second ep. Great season, boring finale. Shite final tribal. Glad Malcolm's coming back. Abi has a killer quote in the last Ponderosa video.

    Thank you for a thoroughly enjoyable season of Survivor blogging. Thank you for a thoroughly enjoyable season of Survivor blogging. Whoops, I already said that, didn't I? Forgive me for repeating myself. My only excuse is that I'm drunk. Again. Tangent?

    I vaguely recall saying at the beginning of the season that I would "show a girl some love" if you gave me one laugh per blog. That was stupid of me. I should have said one laugh per week - that way I'd be off the hook, because you were too lazy to write a blog after Carter's boot, and too selfish to write a blog during your precious Thanksgiving. I won't make that mistake again, bitch. Still, as a man of my word, I must admit that you did indeed give me at least one laugh for every blog you bothered to write, so I suppose I owe you some money. I'm not gonna pay as much as last season though, because apparently it only takes you a measly 4-5 hours to write your blogs - last season I was under the impression that writing them must have a more substantial impact on your time. Silly me, eh?

    Wait. Perhaps I'm being hasty. Is that a Run DMC lyric I spy with my drunken eye? "It's tricky..." Ooh, that brings back a memory or two. Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed by a wave of Proustian nostalgia. *sigh*

    Should I increase your payment for engendering this feeling in me, or decrease it? My God, you're a crafty bitch aren't you? Crafty like ice is cold.


    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Lala. Barring calamity to either you or I, or the internet (quelle horreur!) I'll be reading on the 14th. Fans vs Favourites? Can't wait love!

    Before I go, there's one last thing from this season that's bothering me; whatever became of Carter Cartèr, that schizo poet dude you begat?

    You don't know? Oh. That's too bad. Well, my guess is he probably committed suicide - his feuding personalities eventually driving him insane. But I guess we'll never really know for sure...

    1. Australian dollars to US dollars are like the most precious thing ever.

  28. The play has ended!
    My torch snuffed
    Curtain descended
    My lines, fluffed

    The audience apoplex'd!
    My soliloquy hushed
    < Exit stage left
    My dreams, crushed

    Au revoir Lala!
    Merci for creating me
    My destiny, like young Werther
    Lies under linden tree.

    Dude! Sweet final poem.

    Merci Carter. *sniff*

    Cheer up bro! No need to shoot yourself in the head.

    Carter! You recognised the allusion to suicide?

    Yeah. *kicks ground sheepishly* I've been, like, secretly reading your journals while you've been brooding on the moors. When you're not being pretentious, your poetry's quite infectious!

    Infectious? What a rhyme exceptionnel! You're full of surprises today, Carter!

    Thanks Cartèr. I've always liked poetry, actually.

    And I've always liked surfing, Carter!

    Dude, screw poetic destiny! I've got a radical idea; we should, like, TOTALLY star in our own sit-com! Y'know, like that one from the 80's!

    Oui! An idea magnifique! I'm so tired of being forlorn, always forlorn...

    We'll be famous bro!

    Famous? Oh, how I've LONGED to be famous. Carter, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

  29. We were all riding the wave...riding it so dang hard. For all to see. Blood stained and tired I started to ask...."whose using who?".

    Loved your blog.

    -jello pop.
    Ps. Hope you kept that picture ;)

  30. Did anyone know that Penner is also an actor? I kept hearing things about it so I googled him and he has an IMDb website thingy which tells all his credits for his acting. He is an actor, writer and producer. His credits say that he has been in episodes of CSI, Arressted Development, Seinfeld, The Nanny, Melrose Place and he was one of the 5 main characters in a movie called The Last Supper (1995). I watched the trailer from this movie and could barely recognize him cuz he is so young and thin looking.

    He made such a big deal about Blair being a former child actor but yet never shared with his fellow survivors (to my knowledge) that he also was an actor as recently as 2008. Maybe he did and I just never saw or heard it but I did not hear him drone on and on about all his acting gigs the way he thought Blair should have.

    To me I understand why she didn't. It would have just seemed braggy. Most of them kids were not even born when she was on that show. Would anyone have given a shit except for the fact that they would have thought she did not need the money or deserve it cuz she was already rich at one point.

    I remember when that football coach was on a couple seasons ago and everyone knew who he was and they immediately wanted him gone cuz of who he was so I get why Blair just wanted to be Lisa.

    I knew as soon as they said the new season was fans versus favorites that Golden Boy was going to be on it. How does everyone know that Philip Shepherd and Brandon Hantz are going to be on it? And who the hell said that either one of them was a favorite? It should be called fans versus controversial players. I'm not saying it won't be good cuz both of them sure do bring a lot of shit. They should also give Miss Lala a lot to blog about.

    Can't wait. Everyone have Happy Holidays for whatever holiday you celebrate. See ya'll next year, 2013 BITCHES!