Thursday, December 13, 2012

My Big Brazilian Ass


There is no sun. There is no samba. Your sequins and feathers cannot come out to play today. The paint on these walls chip and fall into lead clusters on the ground. The wallpaper lazily unfurls and limps into a soggy heap. The flowers in the vase wilt as the petals go plop, plop, plop. Even though the clouds keep coming - rapid, rolling, eating everything - the wind stands still and collapses into a pile of nothing. My glitter refuses to sparkle. The gin in my tub looks like sludge. The world around me is lifeless, colorless and odorless. I've lost my jiggle, my jingle, my jangle. My jiggles won't jingle or jangle. What is life without a hip scarf tinkling on the breeze? Without an insult on the wind? Without a hip bam to the throat? Colors dull and all that is left is the grey. Saturation, like my spirit, is negative. In the distance I hear a Brazil nut hit the tile and roll away. It leaves behind a silence and I am reminded of Eponine... And now I'm all alone again, nowhere to turn, no one to go to. Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hola puta to. *dabs tears* Let's recap, shall we?


We near the end of our Filipino tale in the thick of night. The giant moon looms overhead as our last remaining Survivors come trundling into camp drunk on giddiness and safety. Shakira (Abi-Maria) stands fluffing the flounces of her dress while offhandedly thanking everyone for keeping her in the game. "Thanks putas. I'm in awe, really." And then she reached up into her bikini bottoms and whipped out a fake idol/voodoo doll that looks suspiciously like Jell-O Pop (Carter). As she waved it overhead and danced around the campfire, Blair (Lisa) looked thoughtfully into the distance remembering Jell-O Pop, "He was such a nice young man. Remember when he'd read us the sonnets? I could really use a smoke right now." Melty (Michael), swatting Shakira's celebration hips away from his face, replies, "He took it so personally. Check under the shelter. I'm sure he hid a spare pack next to his scarf collection." *sigh* No, Jell-O Pop did not leave behind any of his fancy Russian cigarettes. All that remains of him are the ashes in his pipe and a cashmere beret that is beginning to pill in the humidity.

Meanwhile, we find Golden Boy (Malcolm) stroking his chin and glaring at Blair out of the corner of his eye. At the last Tribal Council Blair mumbled some cockamamie something or other about going to the end with someone she can beat. Golden Boy, being gilded and polished and lickable, knows she's not talking about him. So, while it is cute and charming that Blair has finally decided to play the game, Golden Boy can't risk her hanging around too much longer. She's dangerous now. Not dangerous in the sense that she could actually win Immunity or use the Latin beat in her soul to rumba someone to death. No, she's dangerous in the way that she could whine someone into submission. She could bat her eyelashes, flash that Warner charm, and manipulate the rest into feeling sorry for her. Hey, it's worked for her so far. Could it actually get her the million?


A new day dawns and with it, a bitterness. A bitterness and resentment from everyone except for my white light Shakira. Shakira sits in innocence wearing a crown of daisies while the other old bitties do everything they possibly can to make her feel bad. Dr. Denise runs her fingers back and forth in the sand and mumbles, "Well, hopefully Jell-O Pop is resting well." Melty nods emphatically, "Yeah, I wonder what breakfast poem he's reading to everyone. Do you think it's Frost or Tennyson? Remember when he read Corso and made Blair blush? *sigh* We never did find out what happened to Beowulf. I miss Jell-O Pop so." Denise then reaches across Shakira to hand Melty a coconut, "I sure do hope his pillow was fluffy enough for him last night. What if they don't sell Sobranie's at Ponderosa? You know how he gets if he has to smoke American." Melty gasps and clutches his pearls, "OMG what if they only have Marlboro's?! Poor Jell-O Pop!" Listening to all of this, Shakira grabs her purse and keeps a stiff upper lip, "I'm going to get some water, putas."


And while Shakira is away, the catty sewing circle doth play. Hens pecking at the sand all angry at themselves for their own votes. Listen, you do-gooding fuddy duddies, I'm going to lay it out for you all simple like - One. Million. Dollars. ($2.56 if you're Jeff Kent) I'd cut every single one of you loose for one million dollars. Hell, for $20 I'd poke you in the nether regions and throw your most cherished family photos on the fire. For $50 I'd skin your pets and wear them on my head. So imagine what I'd do for a million dollars (some stale saltines and government cheese if you're Jeff Kent). You shouldn't be lolling about in the sand counting the days until Shakira goes home. You should be clawing and pining for a way to make sure she's sitting next to you in that final three. You seem to forget that she'll be hurling a ninja star at R.C.'s head during the question and answer portion. Which, naturally, will be followed by a short unfair Filipino trial and then a public hanging in the town square. She's not getting the million (some pieces of string and a broken rubberband if you're Jeff Kent) you chuckleheads!


Shakira herself knows she probably can't win. But she's made it this far. "Final three" has such a lovely ring to it. Like the ringing and jingling when Shakira walks up the beach. *jingle jangle, puta, jingle jangle* Plus, it would be another feather in her sequined bustle if she can prevent that pesky Dr. Denise from winning. So, after baking in the sun and sorting through all of her files on how to whack a sex therapist, Shakira decides to tell Blair just how insignificant she is. "You're a bottom, puta." I think Shakira meant to say "on the bottom", but she's Brazilian. Everything is sex and feathers down there. Sex and feathers and bongos.


After hearing she's a bottom, Blair blinks wide eyes and asks for more details. Shakira juts one hip out to the side and flicks a speck of sand off her shoulder, "Oh, you know, just be careful. Be very careful, puta." And then she kicked sand in Blair's eyes and skipped away. To Blair's credit, she doesn't really believe the Caipirinha that Shakira is serving. She doesn't believe it, but ever since her brother, Christopher Dollanganger, visited camp she's been filled with a new naughtiness. A new whisper of evil that lets her know it is OK to scheme, it is OK to plot, it is OK to flirt with Brazilian rage and roll around in it for a spell. The problem with this new naughtiness is that it is coupled with a newly found self confidence. Sexy brothers can do that I guess. *shrugs shoulders* Self confident Blair likes to do that fake, "How did I get so lucky to have all these opportunities to choose from?" thing. That, "It's my destiny" thing. No. No. It's not your destiny. Shakira and Denise have been there all along. So have Melty and Golden Boy. Everyone around you has always been there. The fact that you've just now opened your eyes to how to move them around like chess pieces isn't a hand delivered gift from God. It's called Survivor.


And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge you will race up and over a slide and into the ocean where you will grab fiiiive golden riiiings. Once you've collected both bundles, you must land one ring on each peg. First person to land all fiiiive golden riiiings will be picked up in a helicopter and taken to a boat with pizza and soft drinks where you'll get to swim with whale sharks. The winner will also get to choose two people to join them. Survivors ready, go!


The Survivors leap off the start and immediately Melty and Golden Boy take the lead. The boys stay in the lead with Dr. Denise and Shakira hot on their heels. Blair, however, begins to struggle as soon as she hits the water. Perhaps getting her 1920's bathing suit wet is weighing her down a little bit. That thing is like a giant burka swirling around her and coming dangerously close to smothering her face. You almost have to give her credit for doing as well as she's done in the past swim challenges. I don't think we ever stopped to consider that she's pulling an extra 200 pounds of wet fabric behind her.


So everyone gets their bundles and now it's a race against time and accuracy to see who can land their rings first. Melty makes quick work of landing his first three rings with Golden Boy, again, not far behind. Little spitfire Denise tells herself she's throwing Nuva Ring's on cervices and, hey, she lands one! Blair manages to nail a ring as well, but, let's face it, this race is all up to Melty and Golden Boy. Both have 4 rings on the pegs and toss, toss, toss... MELTY WINS REWARD!!!


The big question now is who will Melty choose to go with him. Actually, no it's not. We know who Melty will take just like we know that he'll injure himself again at some point during this episode. And kind of like how we know we'll have a prayer scene in the near future. We know! The only thing we don't know, and the only thing that keeps me on my toes - other than what curse words Shakira will spit into the wind - is when Golden Boy will let down his lovely locks. He's like my Rapunzel. Let down your hair goddammit! (Side Note: I can't believe he had his hair in a ponytail on the Jeff Probst Show. I could have killed him. If he pulls that crap at the Reunion, we're going to have a big problem.) But I digress... so yeah, Melty picks Golden Boy and Blair.


Hearing Melty's picks, Shakira crosses her arms over her body and looks sadly at the sand. Dimples notices as her lower lip begins to tremble and remarks that she looks heartbroken. Shakira shrugs her shoulders and wipes the weakness off her face. Once the ickiness is gone, she smirks and says, "I guess my vote doesn't mean anything." *glitter falls from the sky* Yes! That is how a Latin girl serves it up. If you do something to piss her off, she'll get you back for it. Maybe not now. Maybe not tomorrow. Nope, she'll wait until you're begging for her vote and then she'll throw this little scene right here back in your face like a monkey throwing poop. "You remember when you won that reward and you didn't pick me to eat pizza? No vote for you, puta!" *pow pow*



So while Denise and Shakira head back to Migrayne (Dangrayne) to be fake-nice to each other, the others are whisked away to the crystalline blue waters of the South China Sea. Aboard some sort of a booze cruise vessel, the three gorge themselves on soggy pizza, Costco cookies, and pop. Pop. Now, I'm a girl who has lived on both coasts - not Middle America. I know not of what this "pop" thing is. In my alcohol soaked existence, pop is the noise a bottle of champagne makes when you open it. But, to straight edge Christian Melty, pop is a drug. A wonderful drug that attacks your blood, your insulin and that "good time" part of the brain that makes you want to dance topless on a bar and make out with long-haired bartenders. And that is exactly what Melty does. He whips out his iPhone and gets his best girlfriend to tweet a pic of Golden Boy signing his boobs. And then he got into a fight with some frat guy giving him the side eye before making out with the bouncer and chipping a tooth on the end of a pop bottle while flashing the crowd his thong. Or... at least that's what I've heard drunk girls do. *whistles innocently.*



Before the high can become a memory and before the hangovers have time to settle in, the fearless crew of the Pop Cruise hold their fingers up to the wind and are able to decipher precisely where a  giant creature is swimming up the road apiece. Once Nemo is spotted, the Filipino crew kicks each Survivor overboard one by one for the swimming experience of a lifetime. And I gotta tell ya - it certainly was a majestic experience. Watching that giant fish come swimming up out of the blue only to discover Japanese artist Yayoi Kusama had gotten her hands all over it was the last thing I expected to see. First, she destroyed all those Marc Jacobs bags and now... a fish! Not everything needs to have polka dots on it for crying out loud.


Once the swimming is over and Melty got his ass handed to him by a fish head-butt, Golden Boy takes what is probably his last opportunity to do some strategizing without Denise lurking nearby. He tells both Melty and Blair that it'll be a blow out if any of them are up against Denise in the final three. She made it through the horrifying reign of Dreads, she survived every Tribal Council ever in the history of Survivor, she's a tough competitor with a body like one of those Leonardo DaVinci muscle drawings, she's articulate, and she has no real enemies. Add all of that up and it's like cat nip to those jurors. Melty nods and takes it all in before giving his answer with a big toothy orange soda stained grin. Meanwhile Blair thinks to herself, "Those are the same qualities you have, Golden Boy." Jostling on the boat while holy water sluices around inside of her, Blair doesn't agree with the Denise plan. She doesn't agree and she also doesn't lie. But this once. But this one itty bitty time she'll lie. It's just a tiny white lie and God is probably busy right now shaking his head at Shakira chasing Denise around the beach with a machete. He probably won't notice Blair fist pumping Golden Boy and making a final three deal that she has no intention of keeping.


Day turns to night and then night turns to morning. Only, on this morning, Denise is in mourning. Sometime in the night, a creature of unknown origin ('shakirachnid' from the Animalia kingdom, Anthropeda phylum, Arachnida class, Aranae order, Mebarek family, Shakira genus - native to forests of South America east of the Andes: Columbia, Venezuela, Ecuador, Bolivia, Peru, BRAZIL and Paraguay) clamped her fangs down on Denise's neck and released a hot and spicy salsa/poison that is now coursing through the good doctor's veins. Denise describes the pain as a sharp stinging - which, ironically, is something she hears quite often as a sex therapist. Ba dum bum! I'll be here all week. Try the veal.


Upon further research into the poison that is slowly killing Denise, I came upon the following quote for the "Brazilian Wandering Spider." I bring it to you unedited...


It sways from side to side!!!

I don't want to point any fingers, but...


Some people would page a medic, get Golden Boy to pee on it, or chase Shakira down the beach with a firearm, but Blair decides that the best plan of action is to pray on it. Yes, gather around everyone. It's prayer time!


Heavenly father, please make this poison go through Denise oh so fast. Until then, cradle her like a baby and rock her back and forth like a mother would. And could you blow on her wounds while you're at it? I know it's not a burn and I know we didn't clean it with alcohol, but blow on it anyways. We ask you to heal this pain and comfort her.

Enter Melty...

Lord, we have a big challenge coming up. We have a big day. Those starving kids in Cambodia? The hell with them. Make Denise well, please. Just, you know, not TOO well. We don't want her to win or anything because we're thinking about voting her out. Final three, baby! And thanks for inventing sugar. Amen.

Amen.


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge you will use planks to cross a rope bridge collecting pieces to a maze along the way. Once across you will take your maze pieces and - doh! - make a maze. Once your maze is assembled you will dingle dangle a ball through it. First person to get their ball in the finish hole wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!


Out of the gate we see everyone using different methods with their planks. Golden Boy and Melty hurriedly place theirs on the rope while Shakira takes hers and files them down to sharp points. If a spider bite can't kill Denise, then maybe a wooden stake to the heart can. It's a risky method to use as the filing puts Shakira behind the others, but wait until she finishes. Have you ever seen a lady with habanero poison in her veins successfully run from a homicidal Brazilian? Me either. The others continue to collect to their puzzle pieces with Golden Boy and Melty maintaining a nominal lead.



Golden Boy reaches the platform and then... tim-ber! He falls into the sand and has to start the whole thing over again. At home I started to panic. I mean, I know Golden Boy is safe no matter what, but I'm always rooting for either him or Shakira to win. So, Golden Boy falls and my heart starts to race. But then I noticed it. You noticed it too, didn't you? His hair came tumbling down with that fall. It cascaded and billowed. So I smiled.


Oh sure the others are pulling ahead and Denise, with veins on fire, manages to piece her puzzle together faster than anyone else. Only, it's wrong Denise. Wrong! The hallucinations have started and the lines of her maze are all squiggly. They're dancing off the paint and into the sunlight. She tries to focus and fix the pieces, but they just won't slide into place.


Meanwhile, look who has come from behind and is ready to kick all of your asses. It's Golden Boy! Managing the impossible, he restarted the rope part, regathered all the puzzle pieces, put them in place while Denise was asking the wooden stairs behind her for help, and dingle dangled his ball through the maze.


No matter how hard Denise and Melty try to catch up, they can't. Which means... GOLDEN BOY WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Migrayne the mood is somewhat relaxed. Everyone is hanging out enjoying the lazy afternoon while Melty sits fireside and keeps an eye on a covered pot. I don't know what is inside the pot and I don't know how large the gunpowder balls are that are fueling the fire. All I know is that Melty should stay away from fire, sharp objects, rocks, sticks, utensils, glass, polka dotted fish, water, pop and pillows for the rest of his life. You might be scratching your head at the pillows thing, but trust me. He'll get one stuffed with asbestos or with a family of Brazilian Wandering Spiders living inside. Just take my word on it.


So after the fire leapt up and tried to eat Melty, Shakira did a little reevaluating of the game and has decided that her only way to stay is to get Blair and Melty to vote with her to get rid of Denise. It isn't that crazy of a plan and it makes a hell of a lot of sense. The problem, unfortunately, is in Shakira's delivery of the pitch, "I'm being humble here. You can't win against Denise and Malcolm, puta." *giggles* While Shakira cracks me up endlessly, a guy like Melty (who hasn't had sugar for 30 yrs) isn't going to be entranced by brutal honesty and matter-of-factness. He's the kind of guy who needs smiles and parables and some sprinkles of the word "Lord" here and there. You need to come to him with bandages, iodine, and reasons why so and so isn't deserving. He's one of those annoyingly moral guys who probably says "Oh my word" instead of "Oh my God." So while Shakira makes a fuckload of sense to you and I, I know she won't crack his morally superior exterior.


Blair, however, has walked on the dark side and has found that she likes it. Just seeing Christopher Dollanganger sauntering into camp last week made her want to toss her rosary into the fire and say "damn" just for the hell of it. Where Melty is inherently good, I feel like Blair actually has to work at it. She has to remind herself all the time of what is right and what is wrong. Melty is such an innocent fop that he wouldn't know what wrong was if it sat on his face. Even then he'd probably compliment it and offer it some sugar-free cola. But Blair... Blair knows what evil is. She's been tempted by it all of her life. Melty isn't like that. Melty grew up on a commune sharing fruits and nuts with the rest of clowns at the Jester Academy while Blair shielded her eyes as she drove down Hollywood Boulevard. So when Melty approaches Blair with Shakira's plan to vote off Denise, the first words out of her mouth are, "Oh I like that."


Meanwhile, sensing that something is possibly amiss, Denise drops some hints to Golden Boy that she wants that spare Hidden Immunity Idol of his. Golden Boy shifts his eyes from side to side and assures Denise that there is no way they'll keep Shakira around tonight. He's confident that Denise is safe. And it is here that I wonder why Shakira and Golden Boy never had a conversation. Shakira is under the impression that Golden Boy and Denise are tight so it would have to be up to him to make the first move - like he did out on that boat with the others. All he had to do was approach Shakira with a plan to keep her safe. It would have been so easy! Damn you Golden Boy. *shakes fist in the air*


And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples asks Blair how the mood back at camp was after Golden Boy's win. Blair admits that Shakira was playing Survivor and making some very strong arguments to stay in the game. This, of course, causes Dimples to turn his attention to Shakira and once again be an inappropriately rude dickhead.

"So Shakira, you feel like you're in trouble?"
"Yes, my back is up against the wall."
"With all due respect, you've been detested. Laughed at! You're not likable. You're not a good person. You're just not nice."
And then Shakira flung a Brazilian Wandering Spider at his face.

Dimples brings up the point that since Shakira is so awful and wretched, she might be a great person to take to the end. Shakira replies, "Absolutely. I'm the best person to bring because they can all beat me." And there you have it. As far as I'm concerned, case closed. That's it. That's all you need to hear. You take the person you can beat. Again, ONE MILLION DOLLARS (or pocket lint if you're Jeff Kent).

Dimples then turns to Denise for her opinion on the case that everyone could beat Shakira. Denise replies, "Absolutely. If that's the game you want to play." The game you want to play? The game you want to play?! Oh come on! The only game you should want to play is the one that gets you one million dollars (poop on the bottom of your shoe if you're Jeff Kent). There is no other game anyone anywhere should be playing out here. Why put yourself through the mental and physical torture of the Survivor experience and then piss it all away because you want "good people" to get to the end? No, no, no!

And then Denise really sticks her foot in it when she says that it is because of luck that Shakira has gotten as far as she has. Blair hears this and shouts, "Oh hell no! My Fandango colors are screaming right now. It was not luck that kept us away from Tribal Council." Damn Blair. Nicely done.

Denise backpedals immediately and says she didn't mean to imply that Fandango got lucky. Denise, I like you and I realize you're trying to save yourself, but Shakira found an Idol. Shakira saved her money at that auction instead of buying herself a Grand Slam Breakfast. Shakira won Immunity when she needed it. And she was injured. And no one liked her. Babe, that's not luck. That's either skill or divine intervention from the great goddess Shakira herself.


Look, she's praying over us right now.

As with all hip shakes and booby thrusts, the goodness is only temporary. And aren't we thankful for that! Because hold onto your pasties, bitches. I give you the best scene ever.

"Choose me. You can beat me. No one can beat Denise or Malcolm. Melty or Blair can't win this game against Denise."
"What do you say to this Melty?"
"You know, it's so many things..."
"He's an idiot! That's why he's going to lose a million dollars."
"Anyway Dimples, let me finish my thought..."
"You're a moron! You are a moron."
"I guess that's her way of communicating. I don't know."
"He thinks he's going to win a million dollars at the end and he's not."

Hang on... I'll be right back.

*pads to the refrigerator and retrieves two bowls of pink glitter*

DUNK... DUNK
*sticks face in and blows*

I love this girl!

Which makes it all the harder. All the sadder. All the more miserable to say what I'm about to say. Standing here dripping in pink glitter a single solitary tear falls down my cheek.

Shakira is the 14th person voted out of Survivor Philippines. And this is how she left the Survivor set...


Others laughed when she pulled out her veil, but that's because they didn't understand her genius. Keep shaking Shakira. You will be missed.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Did Melty and Blair make the right decision? How boring will the finale episode be without Shakira in the first 90 minutes? Finally, who do you want to win Survivor Philippines? Comment it out bitches and have a puta day! I'll see you back here on Monday for my final blog of the season.

If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, please click on my PayPal button and show a bitch some love.







40 comments:

  1. Wonderful work on what is the saddest day of the season. I've decided that Denise is my new least favorite person, narrowly beating the has-been jesus freak.Oh how awful it must have been for her to have to spend a couple of hours with somebody so beneath her. Give me a break.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The pic of Skupin dancing away from the tribal was classic. Abi's negativity was exhausting and I am sure a break from it in the last few days will be like pure oxygen coursing through the camp...I expect Penner has given Lisa/Blair up by now, so I don't see her winning and nobody roots for a therapist, so its GB or Melty down the strech and you have to give the nod to GB...as it should be. Glad you are back.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have seen the light. Or been blinded by the shimmer of all that glitter on Miss Lala's boobs. I dissent from the near-universal rejoicing at Shakira's shuffle off to Ponderosa.

    Excellent, admirable and wonderful as the Shakira shuffle may be, it does give Blair extra camera time. I may have to go up to my roof and throw myself off if I have to listen one more can-I-be-evil speech by Blair.

    Blair, dear heart, dearest heart, you started off promising GB never to tell about the idol. Then you told about it. Since then you've managed break every promise, abandon every ally, stab almost everyone in the back, including people who are not even playing this season. None of the stabbings have got you anywhere and you're not going to win, but stop telling us how nice you are, how conflicted you are, how surprised you are to find that knife in your hand over and over again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The one thing we have learned about the alliance power of five in this game is never, never let the #4 and #5 know they are not one of the top three dogs. I could not understand why Shakira kept flaunting her early top dog status to Blair and Melty. Shakira was saying "Blair, 4th place is pretty good for a middle-age housewife with no badonkadonk." As demonstrated last season with Kim (Handlebar) and Chelsea (Prunes), let everyone feel like they are loved until its time to dispose of alliance baggage.

      Irregardless, WTF any one of the final four would have been in better shape with Abi going to the finals. Can't you just go for a nice beach walk if you don't want to talk to her?

      Delete
  4. I love this blog! Also, I have noticed that Blair has been given noticeably more airtime in her confessionals than any other contestant during these episodes. For example, when Melty and Blair make a decision together, it's always Blair that appears onscreen detailing what she (and Melty) will do. So, is this a hint or angling on the editors' part? It just makes me think that the editors are showing us more Blair, so that when she wins, we understand why! So, I pick Blair for the win.
    And I will miss Shakira! She made the last few episodes really interesting. Why didn't she play her fantasy idol?! It would've been funny.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Awesome, this is awesome!
    To be honest, at first I felt that Abi was simply an annoying player with no intention to win but only to create some drama, but as time progressed, I found that Abi was a sound strategic player, and definitely 1 of All-Star caliber.
    If Tandang had stuck together, and not voted off their own, then things would have turned out very differently. (Pagonging of Kalabaw and Matsing etc etc)
    But now, looking on to the finale, I'm fine with any of the 4 winning. In my opinion, all 4 got there through their own effort. None of them simply rode coattails, very much unlike some of the players from seasons past.

    But anyways, I'm hoping Malcolm or Denise wins. I mean, unless it's a Final 2, at least 1 of them will be at the Final Tribal, and the story of surviving Matsing and all that stuff will definitely win lots of jury votes. They survived 4 Tribals before the tribe absorption, and that is certainly no mean feat. (just like Stephenie in Palau)

    Good work! A very exciting read, with constructive humor injected!

    Go Team Abi!

    Greetings from Singapore! :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Destroying your own alliance by your own spiteful behaviour may be the mark of a sound strategy but hardly a winning strategy.

      Delete
  6. THis blog was truly a piece of shite.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks again Lala for another great season, you really are awesome. I was a little surprised they voted Abi, if Skupin and Lisa wanted any chance I thought they'd vote Denise.

    Going to miss Shakira though.
    Did you happen to see bitchy RC towards Abi at Ponderosa, she's such a sore loser.

    Once again great stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm brazilian and I love your blog, sad episode for us.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Great Blog Lala! Sorry for you that your Shaki's gone.

    Since there was no blog last week, I would love to hear your thoughts on two things:

    1. The "loved ones"(especially Golden Boy's wacky brother).

    2. Golden Boy calling Shakira a bitch (you must have felt conflicted, no?).

    I can live with Golden Boy, Dr. Denise, or even Melty winning. Blair got on my nerves long ago. I give her credit, but her game and her reasonings are just redundant and befuddling!

    P.S. I'm looking forward to the reunion show, especially if Shakira finally finds out the truth about R.C., Prickly Pete, and the hidden immunity idol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. I thought it was very sweet for the producers to let Miles partake of the peyote before coming onscreen.

      2. His hair wasn't down when he said it. No conflict whatsoever! Golden Boy was very naughty in that moment. I think he needs to be spanked.

      Delete
  10. Ode to Abi:

    Blithely bitchy
    Beautifully Brazilian
    Bluntly ballsy
    Blatantly brillian'


    Thanks for the laughs Abi! It's a damn shame you won't be in front of the jury - I'm sure you would have given me more. You can slap me, call me a moron and throw an Açaí cocktail in my face anytime! When I'm slapped by you, I'll take it and like it.

    Lala, I'm bummed. Abi and Carter were my two favourite characters of the blog, and now they're gone. I wanted Abi to face the jury for obvious reasons, and I wanted Carter to face the jury so you could have some poetic fun with his answers. Skupe, Blair and Denise are gonna be pretty boring methinks. I hope Malcolm makes it 'cos he might pull a Todd Herzog and blow the jury away with a clever and diplomatic speech. The lad is a canny one.

    This is your best blog of the season. A terrific intro, a great mix of pics, episode images and Shaki gifs, and some great lines. My fave? "All that remains of him are the ashes in his pipe and a cashmere beret beginning to pill in the humidity". Thanks for using every opportunity the episode provided to give Jell-O Pop a satisfying ending.

    I might be a little late to the finale blog as I am travelling over those days. In fact, the coming finale may be the first instance of me being unable to see the episode prior to reading your blog. Please keep this in mind as you are writing it, as you'll need to devote more of your blog to a simple reconstruction of events, rather than your opinion of those events. Also, you'll need to cut back on the fantastic notions and the comedy. In fact, don't try to be creative at all - a simple transcription of the episode will be fine.

    Thanks bitch.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Presidente' of the Lala FanclubDecember 14, 2012 at 12:43 PM

    Dearest Lala,

    My heart soared like pop drunk Melty atop the sailboat timbers when I saw you one again graced us with your divine blogging appearance. You are back in your full glittering gin soaked greatness.

    I so appreciated the Melty safety list as will his wife. Even if he doesn't win the million, they will save a fortune in bandaids and co-pays.

    I am so sorry your Brazilian spider slinging nymph is gone, puta. I tired of her "poor me, I am so mistreated and disliked for being honest." She could not tolerate a shred of "honesty" spoken to her. However I will miss that she will not get to speak more at the final tribal council. But know what she says will be spicy with a side of bitterness. Final Tribal hath no fury like an honest spurned Brazilian.

    Unfortunately the network declined the club nomination's of you for the Fan Favorite for $100,000. I tried bitch.

    We will have to show you some PayPal love.

    You bring smiles to many. We lift our gin to you!

    As ever,
    Presidente' of the Lala Fanclub



    ReplyDelete
  12. Abi must have been more difficult than shown, otherwise they would not have voted her off, the reaction after the tribal was a first. Denise's comment about driving needles into her own eardrums rather than spend the afternoon alone with Abi was also an hint to the magnitude of the "problem". The "problem" continued on into the Ponderosa, RC was less than friendly, Abi kept up the bullying, I'll bet the remaining days in the Ponderosa were uncomfortable to say the least.

    Great blog this week Lala, us real Shakira fans will certainly miss the weekly GIGs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I meant GIFs, videos, anything related to Shakira.

      tom m

      Delete
    2. Bullying??? Ugh, I hate that overused word.

      Delete
  13. Some people have described Shakira as being a villain. Is this deserved? I’d like to present the evidence:

    1. Abi spotted that RC was a schemer who would flip as soon as she could. And a victim who would still carry a grudge almost a year later. Abi could have handled the situation better... by not threatening to kill RC, for instance. But Abi correctly assessed RC’s lack of reliability and general bitterness.

    2. Abi recognised Lisa as an indecisive jelly-fish of a woman. Abi is obviously a good judge of character.

    3. Abi said pretty much the same things to tribe members themselves that she said in confessionals. By contrast, Malcolm said nice things to Abi’s face but called her a bitch in his confessionals. Lisa portrays herself as a nice church lady. But she used a confessional to say that she wasn’t calling Abi a pig, but then pretty much called her a pig. Who are the real villains here?

    4. Skupin and Lisa prayed together, and apparently God told Skupin to insult Abi’s mother. Abi has never insulted another Survivor’s mother.

    5. Vera might be completely confused about the game. But Vera isn’t as confused as Zane, Angie, or Dreads.

    6. Everyone knows that you don’t want to win the family reward challenge because you piss people off. Abi was the only Survivor with enough strategy to realise this.

    7. Malcolm and Denise voted off the African-American members of Matsing, then quickly got rid of Artis after the merge. On the other hand, Abi has never been a Klan member.

    8. Tribe members slammed Abi for telling them about her food reward. But only a couple of days later they were talking about how great the food auction was in front of poor starving Abi. Who is it that lacks self-awareness?

    9. Abi didn’t made any Survivor cry. In fact Lisa admitted that it is “really hard not to laugh” when Abi is entertaining the tribe with her honestly expressed observations. By contrast, Denise enjoyed making Abi genwinly cry. Evil!

    10. Abi tried to kill Skupin with a coconut. She would have been a certainty for fan favourite if she had succeeded. And if Abi hadn’t injured him, Skupin would only have injured himself sooner or later anyway.

    Verdict: Feisty Brazilian Goddess. Not a villain.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Abi is the best player this season without a doubt! She's the Sandra-Courtney airtime show we never had in Heroes Vs Villains season! I enjoyed this season because of her.
    -from the Philippines!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Need to work on a phrase that is opposite of "Jesus freak". Tired of that type of empty judgement. (Scott)
    Not into the Abi fan club. So glad she's finally gone, even though it's a bad game play. She was just another person playing the "race card" (in her words-Latina). Her people skills need much polishing. And why was she sitting out so many of the comps?
    Skupin dancing away from TC...is that a first? I truly enjoyed the peek at his glee as he departed. And I was celebrating w/him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right-on about Scott. Scott has a fantasy that Shakira would do him. Sadly, she won't make exceptions for 50 year olds blogging in Mom's basement.
      As far as Abi is concerned she get's no sympathy from me. Latina bravado=major bitch without the people skills and awareness to know/ understand that people on the show just didn't like her. See you later Patrona.

      Delete
    2. The comment of the year! You hit all the internet cliches! According to you, I believe I could date our dear little Abi, and I apparently live in my mom's basement! And from an anonymous commenter!!! Kudos, and +3 to you for hitting all the marks!

      No, no, and no. Abi consistently entertained me throughout the season, and that's all I watch this show (or any show) for. I have no fantasies that she'd even entertain an idea to spend time with me (ok, maybe a secret fantasy or two that helps me sleep at night), and guess what? I'm a homeowner! In fact, I have a pretty nice gig...and a new side gig that pays pretty well!

      Seriously, if you don't like her, it doesn't matter to me. Whatever gets you through the show is more than ok with me. Every person has their own fanbase, and that's why there are a variety of people on these shows.

      Happy holidays!

      Delete
  16. Hmmm, Decisions, Decisions, .... Should I tweak your nipples and kiss your cute little Patootie by telling you how great & wonderful you are or should I be more circumspect.

    On the one hand I do very much enjoy reading all your stuff because it makes me smile. Even though it does sometimes give me a feeling just between my eyes & above the bridge of my nose that is similar to the brain freeze one gets from eating ice cream to fast. This has the effect of exasperating my dyslexia and I fear may someday send me into an epileptic fit so severe that I may never recover. ( BTW I do know that dyslexia & epilepsy have nothing to do with each other but you get my point. )

    OR

    On the other hand should I be more careful, I mean I would hate to make that pretty head of your bigger then it already is. My god you would undoubtably become an even a bigger bitch then you already are. :-) As for your comment about having only spent time on the coasts, I think maybe it's time you expand your horizons a little and spend some time with us here in middle America. We would love to have you and you find that you like it. Granted you would have to learn how to defend yourself against the rampaging bands of wild savages that rome the plains, not to mention the cowboys who would only want one thing from a pretty little filly like yourself. :-)

    Aww hell, because I don't want to be stuck doing the downward facing dog for another month I think I will play it safe and just say.

    You did it again, your prose are masterful and it was a terrific read.

    Your friend Munclejim

    ReplyDelete
  17. So glad Abi is gone!! Don't know who I want to win the million dollars but it won't be she-witch now for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  18. When Lisa starts talking I have to mute it and swallow my vomit. You know she wrote a book called "creative correction" her views on parenting where she is all for spanking. Every time she questions her morals I want to slap her

    ReplyDelete
  19. Abi definitely got lucky. Abi sucks at challenges and literally sat out every single one. If her tribe wasnt amazing and she actually had to go to tribal council early on when people want strong tribes, she woulda been out of there. That is pure luck, and you know it lala.

    But great blog this season, your Melty jokes are great, they always crack me up xD. Thank you for all your hard work this season, we all appreciate it :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Surprised there is nothing about Ponderosa, and the confrontation w/RC. Or that Carter is now infatuated w/Abi.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The one where RC was a heinously ridiculous bitter bitch and brought up the Holocaust? Yeah, I saw it. I only blog the CBS episode here, but I've been commenting on Ponderosa on my Facebook page. I think RC did Abi a huge favor in those videos. Abi was apologetic and humble while RC was a screaming banshee annoyed that she's no longer the only girl there with all of the men. It must have really chapped her ass when Pete and Abi started doing the hibbidy dibbidy. I can almost picture the envy creeping up her face. Oh how I wish I had a photo of that!

      Delete
    2. Interesting what you said about Pete and Abi. Your buddy Scott chastised me for discussing it a few weeks back. It's called validation!!

      Delete
    3. To be fair, at the time there was no evidence that this indeed happened...and when it did it was after both of them were given the boot from the island. So more power to both of them! Boom chicka wow!!! :)

      Delete
  21. I think Golden Boy was the big loser last episode. He either wins immunity next episode or the other three will take him out. He has just bet $1million on winning the immunity challenge. What were the alternatives...

    I don't think Abi ever had a chance of flipping Lisa and Skupin to take out Denise. They were never going to risk Malcolm giving the idol to Denise.

    I don't think Malcolm should have co-opted Abi to take out Denise. For instance, by giving the idol to Abi. Denise would be gone, but Malcolm would still need to win immunity next episode to avoid Abi teaming with Skups and Lisa to take out Malcolm.

    That leaves Malcolm co-opting Abi to remove his biggest challenge threat, Skups. It would have been an easy play too. Five minutes before TC Malcolm tells Abi to vote Skupin, don't ask questions, and he'll take care of her. Then gives Abi the idol after voting has taken place. 3 votes for Abi that don't count, and 2 votes for Skupin and he doesn't get to dance away from TC. The only risk would be if Lisa and Skupin ended up voting Denise, in which case it's 2:2 Skupin and Denise, they both attempt to build a fire, and Skupin is med-evaced a few minutes later with second degree burns.

    That leaves a final four of Malcolm, Abi, Denise, and Lisa. With Skupin gone, Malcolm has a better chance of winning immunity. And if he doesn't, there is no way that Denise and Abi ever manage to work together to get rid of him.

    This all might be immaterial within 24 hours if Malcolm wins the final immunity and walks away with the cash. But he has only himself to blame if we're watching his Ponderosa videos tomorrow night.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. brilliant call. In hindsight even more brilliant! Malcom blew it.

      Delete
  22. Carter's infatuated with Abi?! Oh my God Lala, this is PERFECT! You've gotta write a short story about the romance between the tempestuous tamale and the Byronic brooder! Please? I'll even give you the title you lazy bitch:

    "Lovers: The Affair of the Latin and the Laureate."

    ReplyDelete
  23. I was surprised that there was an interview on cbs.com called "After the Show" where Abi was shown comments made by her fellow players, the ones she will vote on.
    http://www.cbs.com/shows/survivor/video/MZFLbsy3R65AFWuzHM2OooGjFZt5EFpW/survivor-philippines-survivor-live-after-show-ft-abi-maria

    ReplyDelete
  24. I betcha any money that Shakira will get her Million dollars when Hugh Hefner offers her money to pose nude in Playboy...☺...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm betting she'd do it for 50 grand.

      Delete
    2. It seems like anyone with any fame poses nude in Brasil. Actresses, Singers, Reality Contestants, Models, TV Hosts, etc. I think just about every hot babe on Big Brother Brasil has stripped down for one of the men's magazines. So yes, I would almost expect Abi to be in both Playboy U.S. and Playboy Brasil. Vivo Brasil!

      Delete
    3. Look, she was hot but not THAT hot. The big breasted blonde bimbo (cookie?) was hotter. RC, maybe too. I wonder if they will pose? LOL

      Delete