Saturday, February 11, 2012

Greg: Thunderbolt Of Lightning

Greg Smith is an eccentric 64 year old who's legally allowed to cut people open with knives. In fact, he's rather good at it. With a string of Plastic Surgery awards under his woven hemp belt, Greg proudly enters into the Survivor arena. You see, Greg is "of the jungle". His words, not mine. Tarzan is his hero and Coach Wade is the Survivor he most identifies with. Apparently, swinging from vines is second nature to this unlikely doctor as is traipsing around in a loin cloth. His other hero is Scaramouche. But not any old Scaramouche, the Sabatinni version. From what I can figure out, this Scaramouche character is a swashbuckling roguish clown with a penchant for black clothing. In other words, a recipe for reality TV awesomeness. The real question is: Will he do the Fandango? Let's see if Dr. Smith lives up to the hype...

Oh bless his heart. He survived a plane crash and escaped the head hunters. I kind of want to climb into his lap and let him tell me stories of when the Venezuelans kidnapped him and made him live in a thatch hut for 79 days while he simultaneously gently tries to coax me into trying Juvederm. I'd tug on his whiskers and tell him I'm much too young to need Juvederm yet. He'd laugh heartily and agree. Yeah, that's how it'd be. Just Dr. Greg and me.

Colton: Light The Embers

As a fan of alliteration, I'm prepared to embrace 21 year old Colton Cumbie with open arms. And when I read that his pet peeve was "when ugly people think they're hot", I sent him a fruit basket and a bowl of glitter. It's like we're related.

Colton loves everything about Survivor and could care less if we love him or hate him. That's the spirit! All he wants to do is play, strategize, deceive, and shove it all in his dickhead stepfather's face when he wins the million dollars. Wow. It's like he's Emily Thorne and his verbally abusive stepdad is Madeline Stowe. Please don't disappoint me Colton...

*tear* And we've got ourselves a villain, bitches! He's heaven wrapped in velvet and dipped in chocolate. The only problem now is that I'm a little concerned about the same sex tribe thing. Can he bond with the men in a way that he'll survive the vote week after week? Will we get to see this unlikely character blossom into a full grown villain person with fiery embers in place of a soul? We can only hope.

Christina: Cha Cha

29 year old Christina Cha is a Salsa Dance Instructor from Hollywood, California. Cha cha cha! Not really. She's a Career Consultant, but with a last name like Cha I'm thinking she missed out on a huge opportunity to turn the Christina Cha Cha Cha Dance Academy into a national franchise. Nevertheless, Cha Cha is thrilled to be on Survivor and is very proud of her building, constructing, fire making, delegating, negotiating, organizing, leading, spearfishing, spearheading, speargunning, spearnetting, spearmint gum making skills. The bio reads like the diary of a high school overachiever. There's a tinge of the Cindy Chiang is Ms. Cha and you know what happened to Cindy Chiang, don't you? She won a million dollars and married a lady boy. Perhaps the same will hold true for Cha Cha. Cha Cha DiGregorio from St. Bernadette's. Let's see if she's as annoying as I'm imagining her to be...

The strings! The gingerly tied strings inching their way down her hip. The wind blowing the strings. They wave hello, they wave goodbye, they're gonna wave their way right down that thigh!

Other than thinking to myself, "Stay tied! Stay tied! Stay tied!", my gut instinct was right - annoying. I lost count at 18 when she was rattling off the jobs she's invented for herself. After "Dairy Farmer" my interest waned. Either she'll take the role of leader and hang onto it or she'll be hurled out by her ill-fitting bikini bottoms on the first plane home for being a bossy know-it-all. You know, there's a reason Reese Witherspoon had no friends in Election.

And, I have to say, I would never, in a million years, ever go on Survivor wearing an egg shell colored bikini. I'd wear fuschia like the good lord intended.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Chelsea: Something To Bitch About

26 year old Chelsea Meissner hails from the great state of South Carolina and sells wheelchairs and bed pans for a living. This self described "bad ass" is an equestrian champion who will not, under any circumstances, be separated from her horsey foot wear. And good for her. Who says knee length leather boots aren't appropriate for the beach? Terrorists, that's who! What else, what else? Her mom got bit by a tick. Yup. That about sums it up. Video me please...

She had me at "I've been in three fist fights." Every season I look for a bad ass bitch to march proudly in a bikini top and equestrian boots through the world of Survivor and I think I've found her. As reserved as she is in this interview, I can see that glint in her eye. That "Pop off son!" that runs through her veins. We bitch people know how to find similar bitch people to recruit and allow into our bitch villages. I can't tell you what we do under the full moon once our gates are closed (disrobe and sacrifice teenage boys to the Shiva goddess while tripping our tits off on peyote), but I will tell you that it's wholesome and for the children or illiteracy or some shit like that. Long story short, I like this one.

Bonus points: Tell me where I got the inspiration for the title.

Bill: Carrot Bottom

Next up is 28 year old Bill Posley from Venice, California. Bill is a stand-up comedian so naturally I have high hopes for the lad. If there's not a red clown nose in his pocket for spontaneous hijinks and he doesn't say, "Pull my finger!" to at least one person on the first day, he'll be a big disappointment as far as I'm concerned. This ex-military funny guy likes to "push himself to the limit" yet he hates cliches. Ha! He is funny.

Let's see what Billy Boy is all about.

This was how I expected myself to react:

Instead, my response went something like this:

Oh Bill. So much promise. So much patchouli. So much Ecstasy at Burning Man. But where were my laughs, dude? Not one banana peel in the whole video! Look buddy, get your act together and weave me some side splitting yarns. You can't have a head of hair like that and not store at least 20 pencils in it. Ditch the mala beads and get yourself a carnation that squirts water. I'll be here for the next 85 weeks if you need anymore stand-up advice. Namaste.

Alicia: Dirty Pillows

The winter of our discontent is fluttering to an end and the jungle, the heat, it is a-callin'. Toss your mittens into the wind, your long underwear into the fire, and let's get ready to frolic with our panties hanging loose and our hair in a mass of tangles. I'm back bitches so let's get this show on the road and meet the unfortunate souls we'll be making fun of for the next 85 weeks (I don't care what you say. Survivor, to me, is always 85 weeks long).

First up is Alica Rosa. Alicia is a 25 year old from Chicago, Illinois and suffers from body dysmorphia in that she thinks those knockers will fit into that particular bikini top. Bountifully big bosomed, Alicia is a Special Ed teacher who has yet to find anyone in this world to inspire her. No one is her hero. No one is her guru. Lonely and lost, as the elastic in her bra cries out in pain, she navigates through life hither and thither, confident that one day she'll serve to inspire others. And maybe she will. Who am I to say? Let's meet these chesticles, I mean Alicia. To the video!

Motorboat. Bbbbblllllrrrr! *jiggle jiggle*

I'm not sure what I expected, but that wasn't it? She's self aware yet mildly quirky? Confident, but self deprecating? I'm surprised she's not from New Jersey? Girls who turns sentences into questions are, as a rule, annoying, but to her credit "ah-lee-see-ah" only did it for the first half of her interview. Furrowed brow, burnt sienna skin, Alicia teeters dangerously on that thin line between charming and awful. If she topples over on the side of charming, I can see her lasting a few weeks, but if she falls jugs first into the face of awfulness, it'll be an early exit with only a couple of holes in the sand to remind us that she was ever there at all. Which way to you think she'll go?