Thursday, February 23, 2012

Quit Being Such A Dumb Broad


Once upon a time there was a candy factory run by a man with a low sperm count and a woman who spent her formative years inhaling glue. All that these two sweet-makers wanted in the whole wide world was a child. A lovely freckle-faced child to run up and down the candy aisles in flouncy dresses and pigtails in her hair. But as I said before, depleted swimmers and ovaries like raisins have made this dream all but impossible. Then one day the man had an idea. He looked around his warehouse of marshmallows, red vines, gummy bears, and lollipops and thought to himself, "Daggumit! I'll make me a daughter!" And so he toiled. Day and night for two whole weeks he stuck Gobstoppers to fondant, welded Raisinettes to Twix Bars, and stuffed caramel into hollowed out Tootsie Pops. His decades of candy making skills were challenged beyond anything he'd ever known, but in the end all of the hard work was worth it and the Kit Kat was born (Kat for short). Oh sure, her legs occasionally get stuck to the furniture and in the summer her brains (marshmallow and cotton candy) liquify and leak out of her Lifesaver ears, but she is a joy to be around and that's all that really matters, isn't it? Joy! Happiness and light, a smile you can count on. People who can read and add are a dime a dozen. The same cannot be said for a girl who poops M&M's. Let's recap, shall we?


We continue our Polynesian tale in the thick of night. The downtrodden girls with glum faces shuffle through the sand back to camp while the men, in capes and armor, stand watching over the fair maidens fire. "Just so you know, I totally watched your fire for you," says Michael. Kat's fruit roll-up face crinkles in objection, "But I'm the firestarter! Twisted firestarter!" And then her chocolate covered legs started to melt from standing too close to the fire that she didn't start or maintain so instead she pretended a bee was after her and ran away. With Kat off rolling around in coconut shavings, the women update the men on how Kourtney's ashes have been sprinkled into the ocean and how the Salami (Salani) tribe remains intact. Well, almost intact. There is still that little kerfluffle between Jugs (Alicia) and ChaCha (Christina) that needs clearing up. So through fake smiles and secret plots to drown one another, the two tentatively shake hands and vow to work together in a union of woman-ness and harmony. Meanwhile, far far away in a Parisian cemetery, through cobblestone streets and flickering streetlamps, Simone De Beauvoir's crackly old bones spun something fierce and blew stale dust as far as the eye could see. At that exact precise moment, Gloria Steinem felt a chill run through her body. She shook it off thinking nothing of it, but just you wait Gloria, just you wait...


Onto a new day. The sun is up, the air is crisp, and the ladies know that a good old fashioned sewing circle never hurt anyone. Well, except for Kat who has been sewing her fingers together for the past half hour. Anyhow, this crackerjack group of bluebirds needs a leader. Someone to guide them. Someone to say, "Kat, stop eating your toes!" That someone turns out to be Sabrina. They didn't actually vote and there was no election to speak of. Someone (perhaps the ghost of Kourtney) whispered the name Sabrina and that was that. With a long exasperated sigh Sabrina adjusts her shawl and headband and says, "A'ight. Fine. I guess I'm the leader then." It's not exactly Alice Paul leading the charge for women's suffrage, but it'll have to do for now.

The first order of business is to make a chore wheel. Monica will take care of the camp's water supply while Jugs and Kat will go foraging for food. Troop leader Sabrina advises Kat to observe the land first. Y'know, get to know her surroundings. Maybe place some markers around or at the least leave a trail of rice so she can find her way back home. Through pudding eyes Kat objects, "But I don't want to observe the land! I just want to get stuff!" She may have a point. I mean, the girl is all sugar and aspartame so the chances of her coming back to camp covered in juicy insects filled with protein is almost a certainty.


And so, after a quick workshop on the importance of turquoise jewelry, the troop disperses and begins to tackle their chore list. Monica dutifully brings bucket after bucket of water back to camp while Kim wields her axe with force preparing both lumber and firewood. Kat, however, grabs an inflatable pool raft and mutters, "I'm going to the jungle to get bananas. Laters!" With Jugs in tow, the two girls bob up and down in the water giggling over what naughty ninnies they are. Later they'll freeze ChaCha's bra and put Nina's hand in a warm bowl of water while she sleeps. Good times!


And this brings us to an incredibly awkward and half-assed Reward Challenge. Both Salami and Menudo (Manono) find large crates in their tree mail with instructions to carry the crates to a neutral location. Once there we discover that this is a "Do-It-Yourself" challenge where tribes have to untie a series of knots. Exsqueeze me? I realize Dimples' (Jeff Probst) days are busy picking out nature colored shirts and smuggling masseuses into his tent after hours, but what if there's a tie or something? What if someone gets tangled in the ropes and snaps off an ankle? What if Jugs uses this challenge as her opportunity to "accidentally" place a noose over ChaCha's neck? Too many "what if's" if you ask me. Dimples has like 2 things to do an episode. He should have been there. If not to delight us with a smart ass comment or two, then to take the mic away from comedic genius Bill who thinks the ye olde British town crier bit will kill. "Hear ye! Hear ye!", he begins. Through a menagerie of accents that took us everywhere from Jamaica to Robot World, we discover that the winner of this DIY challenge will win a tarp. According to the Oracle, rain is on it's way so this tarp is a big deal I guess.


With one extra person, the men sit out Michael and I suppose it's "Survivor's ready, go." I mean, who the hell knows? Without Dimples there I'm completely lost. All I see is a dandy in a dirndl striking a pose. I don't know whether to start voguing or throwing shade. I'm so confused!


The tribes unpack their giant macramed snaketopuses and get to work. With nimbly fingers, the men untie their way to the center in order to release the ring. However, on the women's side, Jugs is sneakily measuring ChaCha's neck and Kat is dancing around the Maypole re-knotting the untied knots. *sigh* Naturally, the men win the tarp.



Back at Menudo the men get busy doing manly things. Troyzan (Troy) measures the tarp, Jay sharpens several dozen spears, Jonas lugs some crates around, Bill and Tarzan (Greg) prepare scaffolding, Leif cracks coconuts, Michael tightens the roof, and Fancy Pants (Colton) sits on a swing with his petticoats blowing in the breeze. He's a forlorn Keira Knightley wrapping himself around and around in sadness. The ropes of the swing in symbiosis with his heart. He wasn't meant for this tribe of testicles and ball sweat. People who never leave the house without a hand painted fan in their hands aren't cut out for manual labor. Fancy Pants should be soaking in a tub of lavender and sipping mint tea with Harper Lee. In fact, it is to Harper Lee to whom I turn to help me describe Fancy Pants' place in Menudo... “[he] bathed before noon, after [his] three o’clock nap, and by nightfall was like soft tea-cake with frosting of sweat and sweet talcum.” At best he's a macaroon, not a Menudo.

Having had all he can take of dirt and bugs and sweat, Fancy Pants prances over to Salami in hopes of finding a quilting bee or a spa party. Instead he stumbles upon the women weaving a new roof. Weaving may not be quilting, but it's close! Without so much as an invitation, Fancy Pants grabs some giant leaves and gets to work. With a coo and a giggle he bemoans his own tribe and begs Sabrina to let him stay with the girls. Where last week there was love for the pastel princess, this week there is nothing but annoyance. In no uncertain terms, Sabrina tells Fancy Pants to go back to his own tribe work on building relationships over there. Way over there. Far far away. Yonder. Plus, the girls want to have a fake women's meeting where they can talk about him behind his back. Fancy Pants stares blankly into the wind for about 15 minutes hoping to blend into nature or something until Sabrina finally grabs him by his bustle and pushes him out.



Apparently it takes a lot more than a gentle shove to get rid of the poor lass as Fancy Pants pretty much just walks around in a big circle and then sneaks back into the girls camp on the opposite side from where he left. Upon seeing him, the girls shift uncomfortably and look to Sabrina get rid of him again. Before Sabrina can so much as lift him up by his garter belts, Fancy Pants calls a troop meeting. (Say what?) With a lace hanky in one hand and a parasol in the other, Fancy Pants collapses into a jumble of tears and begs for shelter. "Please y'all just let me stay." Kim turns to him and tells him point blank that he is a member of Menudo. If he stays with Salami, he could tell Menudo everything that's going on. It would be "a dumb move" for the girls to take in a member of the opposing tribe. Fancy Pants stares unflinching. Silent. It is only with a dramatic spin on his heel that he sashays off to get a drink of water. Does that mean he got the message? *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea. Your guess is as good as mine.

Night falls and fortunately for the girls, Fancy Pants has retreated to his own tribe. Since his effort to become a girl scout failed, he is now going to attempt to buy himself some new friends with his Hidden Immunity Idol. With a poke and a stroke, Fancy Pants rouses Jonas, Troyzan, Leif, and Tarzan from their slumbers. Groggy eyed and confused the men stare at the fop in the full dressing gown and wonder what's going on. "I... have... the... immunity... idol and I'm not going home," Fancy Pants declares. Can I just say that he could perhaps work on his conversational skills a little bit? A salutation here and there or a simple "Hi, you may not know me, but I'm Fancy Pants." could work wonders when trying to make new friends. To just dive in and hurl an Idol at the men's faces is a little abrupt. Even for a maiden fair. Long story short, the men are intrigued and it looks like we have a new alliance of 5. Their targets are "the muscle" which translates to Michael or Matt. I'm no Mattematician, but I think 5 equals more than 4 doesn't it Matthew? You still sittin' pretty, buddy?

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. For today's challenge, both tribes will line up side by side on a narrow balance beam over water. One tribe member at a time must move across the balance beam and around the other tribe members. If you fall off, you go back to the start. If you touch two people at once, you go back to the start. When one tribe member reaches the finish platform then the next tribe member goes. First tribe to get all their tribe members on the platform wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!

The men sit out Tarzan and we're off. Kat is up first for the women with Leif up first for the men. Leif nimbly and quickly weaves in and out of several of the men's legs, but makes a mistake when he inadvertently touches two men at once. He jumps in the water and goes back to the start.

Meanwhile, Kat turns to face Monica and then never does anything else. She just stands there. Monica begins to wave her arms in an effort to shake Kat loose, but her sticky Twizzler legs aren't going anywhere. Under the glare of the sun, her sugar limbs are turning into syrup. With some frantic grabs at the air and the hollowing out of her chesticles, Monica manages to finally slide Kat off of her and onto Chelsea. While over on the men's side Leif is now finished and Fancy Pants is up next.

Feeling the pressure, Kat clicks her jellybean teeth and moves through the women with such force that she slams into Kim. ChaCha reaches out her arm to save Kim from falling and bzzzz. Kim and Kat have to jump in and Kat has to start over.


On the men's side, all we hear is "Hold me! Hold me! Hold me!" What we don't hear are splashes as the men continue to get more members of their tribe on the final mat.


The same cannot be said for the women's tribe. ChaCha keeps grabbing onto her tribemates' arms while Kat begins to spontaneously dive into the water chasing after snorks and Nemo. A frustrated Monica finally takes the helm and decides to show those bitches how it's done. The only problem is that Kat keeps poking her in the arms and giggling. Bzzzz! Back in the water Monica. Kat does a backflip off the beam while Dimples shakes his head in disbelief. Nina shouts, "Ya dumb broad!" and this is quickly becoming my most favorite challenge ever.

Monica makes her second attempt and declares, "It's ok. I do Pilates. My core is strong. Just move me." And god bless Pilates because she makes it! The only problem is that she makes it when the men are pretty much done and that's all she wrote. MEN WIN IMMUNITY!!!

The women stand saddened wondering what went wrong. KAT. Chelsea thinks that maybe it was their boobs. KAT. Nina blames a lack of teamwork. KAT. And Monica, well Monica is sad for womenkind as a whole. I'm sorry Gloria. I tried to warn you earlier.


Back at the Salami camp it's time for the women to gather around and share their innermost feelings about the challenge. Kat begins by sheepishly apologizing for her lack of communication skills. Lack of communication? Nuh uh sister. Try lack of movement, lack of thought, lack of breath, lack of any nutritional value whatsoever! Look my little gummy bear, I'm sorry to have to say this but you're a flip-flop. You're a wind chime, a tinkle on the wind. A tra-la-la. A careless whisper. You're Wham without George Michael. There's no point to you! I guess it's not your fault. I mean, you didn't put oreo cookie filling into your brain, your father did. You're just doing you and I'm sure that that's charming on a dessert table or in a goodie bag, but this is Survivor, doll baby. Sur-vi-vor! Actually, have you ever thought about trying out for Big Brother? I can personally guarantee that they'll cast you. Just tell Allison that Jordan sent you. You're as good as gold.

So now that we've talked about that pinwheel Kat, let's discuss Nina. For some reason, she's considered a target this week. I'm not sure why. Sure, she's of few words, but she hasn't screwed up and she contributes in camp. Perhaps there's something we're not privy to. I'm not sure. All I know is that Nina is OVER Kat. O-ver! Over it. Nina confides in Monica that there is no way the tribe will survive and succeed as long as Kat is still around gathering dust. Monica agrees, but the problem is that their alliance is small. It's just them and ChaCha. Nina realizes this but hammers home the idea that right now, with Kat blowing bubbles in the background, they're witless. A witless tribe which, as you know, is problematic in a game that calls for you to "outwit".



A move has to be made. Nina and Monica need to make the other alliance realize that they'll just keep losing with Kat in the camp licking the dirt. Here's the thing though, Nina has a genius way to sway everyone. Did you know that she's not only a retired cop, but was pretty much the G.I. Jane of the S.W.A.T. team? Read my little bio on her - she's Demi Moore and "suck my dick!" and all that. The problem is that, for god knows what reason, she's decided to play the game keeping her back story a secret. Maybe that was a good idea in the beginning, but desperate times call for desperate measures. When that camp was looking for a leader, you should have stepped up Nina. You should have said, "I spit in the Master Chief's face and I can do one handed push-ups. I'm more than qualified for this job."

While Nina doesn't exactly regale the girls with story of how she kicked the shit out of Viggo Mortensen, she does slyly hint to Chelsea that Kat should be going home. On the surface Chelsea seems to be on board. She confesses to Nina that she's been embarrassed ever since she arrived in that blasted camp. They're the mockery of the island as far as she's concerned. Chelsea knows Nina is right about Kat. We can see it on her face. Hell, we can hear it ourselves when she tells Kim. Kim, another tough girl. Another sensible tough girl who will see that sweets do nothing more than rot your teeth and give you a headache. Right?

And this brings us to Tribal Council. Stern Mrs. Dimples stands waiting for the girls with a crop in his hand and his hair pulled back into a tight bun. "Well, here you are again girls," he cackles. "You're here because of your complete and utter dysfunction." Ouchie. "No little girl at home wants to be you! No one is rooting you on! Now assume the position." He taps the crop against his thigh as he waits to hear reasons why the girls think they suck so bad. Kim utters the catchphrase, "It's our lack of communication." Oh shut up. Shut. Up. Look, Kat learned that phrase in Comm 101 and hasn't let go of it since. Don't let it be your guiding mantra. This is the same girl whose blood runs thick with peanut butter and pees maple syrup. Get with the program Kim! We like you, ok? We like you and we like Chelsea, but this weird bond with the sugar queen isn't doing you any favors right about now. Are you stuck to her? Has she melted into you? Help me understand.

While you're thinking about it, let's check in with Nina. Oh lookie, now she's telling everyone about her history taking down perps and tazing the bad guys. Nice! Now that she's put that all on the table, how about we hear about Kat's life experience. Kat, you're up.

"Well, once I lived in a gumball machine for 2 whole years!" Thank you Kat.

This is such a no brainer. Let's send Little Debbie home and get these women into shape for next week. This can go no other way than the obvious, right? Right?!? The women will do the smart thing here, yes?

You know what? I can say it as much as I want and I can hope and dream and wish on a star and all that crap, but nothing will change the travesty of last night. The 2nd person voted out of Survivor: One World is Nina. Nooooo! I didn't even get to give her a nickname or anything. It's almost enough to make me long for the days of Rhode Island (Redemption Island). Almost.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Will the women ever win a challenge? What the hell were Chelsea and Kim thinking? Will Matt uncover the secret of the Idol? Are malt eyeballs really a food group? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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