Thursday, March 15, 2012

I Smell A 'But' Coming


When time claws its craggily nails across our skins we begin that slow and inevitable decline into dementia. Foolhardy ineptitude. Absurd fatuity. Sharp lines become blurs, jaws melt into jowls, and breasts get renamed as "knees". The ordered world around us, with its rules and lines and stop signs, garbles into a new world, a new land. One called Folly. In Folly it's whatever goes. Lawlessness is the order of the day. Want to sprinkle buttons on your oatmeal? Go for it! Want to house small woodland creatures in your eyebrows? You got it! Want to drive through a shopping mall fountain while high on Metamucil? Be my guest! Most stand at the door of Folly with trepidation. Peering through its peephole, they're just not ready. More antioxidants! More Botox! Resveratrol! Fiber! Gah! Shush gentle folk. Instead, let's tiptoe forward into Folly's embrace. Let us pop our memories like soap bubbles on the wind together. Plus, renaming objects and people might be more fun than you think or my name isn't Lady Jenny of Sparklebottom. Let's recapitulate, shall we?

With the waves rolling gently ashore, we continue our sordid jungle tale in the ramshackle matchstick shelter known as Salami (Salani). The womenfolk awake and wipe the sleep from their eyes with a renewed purpose. A miracle saved one of them from going home last night and when a miracle presents itself at your feet, you kind of want it to stick around for as long possible. You readjust your karmic hat, vow to be a better bitch from here on out, and greet the future with a new outlook, a new spirit. It is indeed a sign from above, from beyond, that all seven women woke up to skrunkle through another day together again. Sabrina knows this and smiles on her sisters with gratitude. Even Jugs (Alicia) knows when a miracle is jiggling itself right before her very eyes. Mesmerized by its buoyancy, she tunes in for Tokyo and makes an oath of solidarity with the rest of her breasted tribe. ChaCha (Christina), too, wants to wipe the slate clean and start over again. With a flick of Kat's skittles and a toot of her horn (read: ass) the women become womyn and hope reigns supreme. The sky's the limit now. These seven gentle souls coming together as one under the cosmic guidance of Artemis or Isis or Persephone are a force to be reckoned with. For nothing, and I mean nothing, can destroy something as sacred as solidarity.


Come on in guys! Drop your buffs! New tribes! Well, except maybe that. That can destroy solidarity.


And just like that, the womyn go back to being women and the men... well, they're still blissfully unaware of how stupid it was to vote off one of their own last night. The only real reaction from the men comes in the form of a gasp from Fancy Pants (Colton) who, I have a sneaking suspicion, gasps at anything and everything anyways. Is that pink Izod on sale? Gasp! Did Jemima burn my waffles again? Gasp! You mean, I have to drag my fat ass to another tribe? Gasp!

Dimples tells the newly tribeless ne'er-do-wells that this will be a random switch. Survivors must pick an egg and smash it onto their person where the colored goo inside will determine their new tribe. Blue means Salami and Orange means Menudo (Manono). Smash!



Kat tries biting into her egg and ends up with a Salami mustache while Jugs cracks her egg like a walnut in between her chesticles. Fancy Pants claps his egg between delicate fingers while Monica bounces her egg off of her biceps and onto the chiseled rock that is her abs. Some smash happily, others smash with indifference, and somewhere, in the land of Folly, Tarzan (Greg) cracks his into a skillet with melted butter. Let's meet our new tribes, shall we?


The New Salami is as follows: Michael, Sabrina, Kat, Kim, Jay, Prunes (Chelsea), and Troyzan (Troy).


The New Menudo is: Tarzan, Fancy Pants, ChaCha, Jugs, Monica, Leif, and Jonas.

For today's Reward Challenge, tribes will work together in teams of four to carry buckets riddled with holes to a water fountain. On your way back from the fountain, you will work to plug the holes and prevent the water from the leaking out. You'll then dump the water into a container and head back to your fountain. The first tribe to fill their container and raise their flag wins peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and coffee. In addition, the winning tribe earns the right to continue living on the One World beach while the losing tribe will be a sent to a new beach where they must create a New World. Survivors ready, go.


Both tribes scurry quickly to their fountains with the Menudos heading back to their container first. Tarzan looks at his surroundings marveling at the foliage around him. He spots a Red-footed B0oby on the horizon and pauses to take in all of it's glory. Perhaps lost in beauty, or the fog that's muddled his mind over the past few years, he forgets he's in a challenge altogether and marches right over Monica in the direction of the rare Booby. Monica tumbles down the steps, still holding the bucket high overhead, and tries to guide Tarzan back into the direction of their Menudo container.


With torn knees, a broken ankle, and two popped implants, Monica trudges on to carry and guide bucket after bucket of water into the awaiting container. Where Menudo is choosing to go with quantity, Salami has chosen to go with quality. They linger longer at the filling station and I can't really say whether it was a better strategy or not. Had Tarzan actually been paying attention rather than bird watching during that first leg, the outcome could have been very different. In the end, by a mere trickle, SALAMI WINS REWARD!!!

Back at the Salami camp, Sabrina is overjoyed. She was thrilled when that hat rack Kim popped blue, but when Prunes and Kat popped blue too - well, that was just the icing on the cake. Four out of her original alliance of five have ended up together on the same tribe and they get to stuff their faces with peanut butter. It looks like that miracle that saved the women last night still has some life in it.

Meanwhile, over at the New Menudo, where miracles go to die, Fancy Pants is sucking the life out of everyone and everything. Upon his arrival the sun crashed into the ocean and a dank stale emptiness enveloped everything. The stars and fish conversed briefly to one another through the blackness and decided to hit the road in search of an environment where happiness and life actually exist. Try as they might, ChaCha and Monica remain in good spirits. They'll make this new shelter better! They'll make it bigger! It'll be drier and cozier and better ventilated and, and, and... "These people suck. I hate them. We're never gonna win." *loud sucking noise* Ooops. There goes positivity again. Sucked through space and time into a Fancy Pants black hole.





And not only is Fancy Pants down and out in Menudo Hills, but Jugs is already waving the white flag as well. As far as she is concerned, this game is over before it even began. Might as well pack up and head home. I mean, what's the point? What's the point of trying? What's the point of hope? She had hope this morning and look where that got her... on a tribe with Dr. Evil and Methuselah. Besides, didn't Sandra Bullock say that Hope Floats? It sure does. It floats away. Far far away. Far into the inky waters and back on over to Salami. Buh bye hope.

Even though hope is lost and life is such a waste of time anymore, there is still a game going on. Fancy Pants needs to make sure that the women know he's with them 100%. Jugs and ChaCha eat it up while only Monica remains suspicious. She doesn't know Fancy Pants from a stairmaster or a treadmill. He could be a master manipulator pulling all the strings for all she knows. Being the strongest woman on a tribe where the women are short one member has put her in a very precarious position. Does she trust that Fancy Pants is telling the truth (no, God no, please Monica, no!) or does she try to change women back to womyn again? Well, no matter what she chooses she'll still get in a boot camp, some cardio, a little circuit training, and, to top it all off, she'll bench press some trees in her spare time. How old is Monica? Isn't she like 95 or something? That body! Whoa, it's killer.



Back over at Salami, crabs are falling from the sky and the sand is made of gold and diamonds. Chickens burst forth in joyful glee out of the trees yelling "Eat me! Eat me! I'm yours!" while crispy brand new money waves in the breeze where the leaves used to be. The tree sap is now a decadent caramel made from the very hands of Martha Stewart and if you look to the sky every few minutes or so, you'll see a triple rainbow with dolphins leaping underneath it. Over in the grotto an orgy of merpeople (mermen and mermaids) await in various stages of undress to welcome anyone and everyone in an array of sexual delights. It's Xanadu, it's Cythera. The ocean is made of gin, the air smells of jasmine, and every now and again a Red-footed Booby poops ambrosia.


But here too, in this paradise, a game must be played. Jay has looked around himself and counted that the mens are down to three while the womens are up to four. Under the guise of anticipating the Merge, he whispers to Troyzan and Kim that they should make an alliance of four or five, but I think he's really just trying to save his ass from the women voting the men out one by one. At least I should hope that's what he's thinking because his days are numbered if he's not considering the sexual divide. Kim whispers that Prunes is her best good friend and even though all she does is hide from onlookers under her baseball cap, she'd be perfect to join their new co-ed alliance. It's strange that Kim is so readily giving up little secrets about who she trusts. She's only been with the guys for a hot minute yet she's already confiding in them and making future plans. So much for loyalty.

Oh dear. Furrow your brows and put on your miserable faces because it's time to whisk back on over to Menudo. "I hate this tribe." "Me too." "I hate these people." "Me too." Oh look, it's Jugs and Fancy Pants having an inspiring talk about how to win in the next challenge. Sensing that Jugs is his compatriot in all things wretched, Fancy Pants pitches the idea of voting out ChaCha first. Jugs, thankfully, shakes her head no and tells him that they need all the women to stay strong. Fancy Pants tells her that maybe they'll be better off with Tarzan and Jonas. Again, Jugs furiously shakes her head no. Switching to side with the men who sent themselves to Tribal Council is crazy talk whereas the women are loyal and will stand by each other no matter what.


Lurking in the background we see Jonas wondering why Fancy Pants is talking with Jugs. As soon as Jugs bounces off, Jonas makes his approach to interrogate him. Fancy Pants immediately reassures the paranoid Jonas saying that he's with the men, but he's only pretending to be with the girls. That seems good enough for Jonas as he lurches back to the construction site satisfied with all he has heard. It's only when he's halfway to his destination does he stop and scratch his head. Hmm, why doesn't Fancy Pants ever work? How does he get away with it? Jonas looks to the sand in deep contemplation and considers for a smidge that Fancy Pants could be working with the women. With a sigh and a shoulder shrug, Jonas trundles off back to work. That's our Jonas. No questions, no worries. Whatever. It's cool. For me, Jonas is a cucumber. You use it in sushi rolls where you're not quite ready to take the risk yet. "No raw fish for me please. I'll just have the cucumber." That's Jonas. Crunchy Jonas.


Back at Salami a narrow reed of a woman, Kim, is slithering her way all along the beach in search of an Idol. She wraps herself around tree limbs while poking in and out of inviting holes searching for the prize. Eventually she finds it and we all just kind of yawned. It's hard to care about someone with the personality of a carpet fiber. Kim is another one of those cornflake girls where you think there's something there but the second you pour milk on her she wilts and gets all soggy. Things are getting kind of gross and I go a sleepy time. You end up pushing her down the garbage disposal never giving her a second thought.


So, with the Idol in her vagina, Kim lopes on over to share the news with Prunes. Why these people always tell each other their secrets is a mystery to me. I guess Prunes is her best good friend, but still... just once I'd like to see someone truly pull an Idol blindside. What's more is that, like so many Idol holders before her, Kim now believes that she and Prunes have an amazing power. An amazing power would be to entertain me with your charisma. That would be an amazing power. To have an Idol is nice and helpful, but it's not a victory. Season in and season out, I never understand this mentality that the Idol makes someone untouchable. To me, the Idol is nice to have and can save your ass when you need it. And then, that's it. It's gone and you can't use it anymore. Were its eyes to light up like rubies and it was able to cast a spell giving the tribe an incurable flesh eating disease, then we'll talk because that could be really cool. Until that happens, it's nothing more than a way to save yourself for one week. ONE week. One. Not two, not three. One.

Over at Menudo, the gentle beast is sleeping... in a speedo. Shh, don't wake Tarzan. While it's nappy time for the geritol crowd and Fancy Pants, Monica tiptoes over to a stray chicken. She gingerly pulls the string of an awaiting chicken trap and traps the sucker. Jugs bursts on the scene jumping up and down, "We are so fed! We are so fed!" But, the giant weight of her bosoms bobbing up and down triggered a fault line or something and the cage shifted letting the frantic chicken run free. With his belly hanging over the edge of his pants, Fancy Pants gnaws on his cuticles and moans, "These people suck at Survivor. I mean, let's be honest." He thinks a little more about the upcoming challenge and, in addition to deciding that they're already going to lose, he's now changed his mind and wants to get rid of Monica instead of ChaCha. He pitches the idea to an alarmingly receptive Jugs. *smacks Jugs in the head because I know she's reading this* Jugs! What happened to Take Back The Night and Roe v. Wade and suffrage and Gloria and all that other crap? *throws hands in the air* Ugh!

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, three members of each tribe will race to get a ball in the water. Teams will then shoot the ball into a basket while members of the competing tribe try to stop you any way they can. First tribe to score three points wins. Survivors ready, go!

First up it's 3 men taking on 3 men. We have Larry, Curly, and Moe up against Michael, Jay, and Troyzan. The ball flies free and Jay immediately shoves Fancy Pants in the chest. He sinks under the water and even though hope floats, I hoped Fancy Pants forgot how to swim in that moment and sunk right to the very bottom. Jay races to the ball, passing it to Michael, and boom. Salami 1-0.


Next up we have teams of 2 women and 1 man. It's ChaCha, Monica, and Leif up against Sabrina, Kat, and Michael. Sabrina steals Jay's opening move and shoves ChaCha away while Michael steals the ball. Leif tries to splash him with water to distract him from shooting while Monica comes out of nowhere and snags the ball away. In anger, Michael lifts Leif out of the water and tosses him back to New Zealand but the little man swims back in time to steal the ball away again only to shoot and narrowly miss. Kat gets the ball next but now it's all covered in powdered sugar and grape jelly. Leif tackles her at the waist proving to be an amazing competitor despite his size. In the end, it just wasn't enough and Michael scores again. Salami 2-0.



In the all women's relay it's ChaCha, Monica, and Jugs up against Kat, Sabrina, and Prunes. Kat makes an early escape with the ball only to have ChaCha wrestle her down and try to drown her. The ball breaks free and after a failed shot by Sabrina, Monica gets the ball and scores! Salami -2, Menudo -1.


We shift back to the same men's line up we had in round 1. Dimples lobs the ball in and we see Fancy Pants prance and waddle like a goose on speed. He leaps on top of the ball while Michael pushes him under and, for a second, I wondered who to root for. I don't want Menudo to lose, but... Fancy Pants may drown and that would kind of be a win. Before I can decide which way to lean Tarzan rips Jay off of Fancy Pants and Fancy Pants tosses a ridiculously short air ball. Eventually, the ball ends up in Michael's hands which means, get ready for it... SALAMI WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Menudo, the gentle giant yet again sleeps. Oh sure, Tarzan's tribe just lost the challenge, but shhhh. If he doesn't get his rest now he won't be in a good mood come 4:00 (aka dinner time) and a cranky Tarzan is an unwelcome Tarzan. The rest of the tribe talks amongst themselves and Monica is quick to remind everyone how she scored a point in the game. Jonas high fives her and an awkward silence falls over the scene. Monica asks, "Well, now what?" Jugs stares at the ground and shifts uncomfortably while Monica and Leif caucus about how they need to stay strong for the next challenge. As a fellow bad ass, Leif seems cool with Monica and I'm immediately reminded how poorly Fancy Pants has treated Leif in the past. If only Leif would say something to the women about it! Why he's still pledging loyalty to the men who wanted him out not 48 hours ago is mind boggling. His first day in that camp should have gone something like this, "Fancy Pants is a psycho. I have no future with the men. I'm with you ladies." Can you imagine how different a game this would be?

So while my mind is going through all the scenarios that aren't playing out, Fancy Pants is locking in Monica as the one to go home. Meanwhile, Jugs is telling ChaCha that Tarzan is the one to the go. She lying of course, but ChaCha thinks it's a grand idea because Tarzan sucks at competitions and has an unusual amount of hair growing out of his ears. ChaCha passes the Tarzan message along to Jonas who agrees that Tarzan sucked in the challenge yet we all know he wants to keep the old goat around.

Sensing that something stinks in Menudo, Monica makes the rounds to make sure that she's indeed staying. They all tell her Tarzan is going home and she's all like, "Are you sure?" You know what that is, don't you? That's an Oprah whisper. It's when you know deep inside that something isn't quite right. You get a gnawing in your gut or maybe it's just a tickle on the back of your neck. You may feel it when you meet an unsavory character or board a plane that's about to crash. If only those whispers could scream...


So now there's only one more person to get on board - Tarzan.
"Tarzan, we're voting out Monica."
"Mon-i-ca. Tell me which one she is."
"She's wearing a pink bikini."
"Ok green bikini."
"No! Pink."
"Right. Daisy in the pink bikini."
"No! Monica in the pink bikini."
"Gotcha. Pink in the Monica bikini."
"Just remember, Monica Lewinsky."
"And what color bikini does she have on?"
"She's not wearing a bikini! Remember Monica Lewinsky and you'll remember Monica."
"O.K. The Big Lebowski. No problemo."

And this brings us to Tribal Council. Right away Monica talks about how it was hard to leave the rest of the girls, but in a nice surprise it turns out that the Menudo beach is better, the food is plentiful, and everyone is playing like a team. At home, I cringed while on the dais that creepy Fancy Pants smiled to himself. It didn't end with a smile though. He goes on to say that if Monica can save this sinking ship then by all means she should take the wheel. "We need Monica!", he declares. Oh shut up you! Oh he makes me so angry. Here's the thing, I like Monica. She was always my dark horse to win. Plus, she's ridiculously nice. So sitting here watching Fancy Pants weave his evil webs of deceit is infuriating.

Dimples turns his attention to Jugs and asks her to chime in on Monica. "I definitely umm think she's umm amazing and just the most amazing... she's really amazing and does all these amazing things and amazingly she's amazing." Red flag! Red flag! I see it, you see it, Dimples sees it, but does Monica see it? Dimples interrupts, "I smell a 'but' coming." *giggles* Jugs finally fesses up that Monica can be seen as a threat. Honey, you need to worry about winning challenges right now, not some physical threat. If anyone is a threat, it's Fancy Pants. Monica is athletic, but not very deceptive. Deceit would be what I would target first. Always.


Let's see what Tarzan thinks about all of this. Yo Tarzan. You awake?
"I've dropped my assertiveness on a different lodestar."
I think that translates to "Does anyone have any Prevacid?"
"I shan't say because the game is afoot."
Dude, I'm not rubbing your feet.
"That's a neologism."
Jism. Eww, stop it!



"I have nominal aphasia."
Dimples manages to work out that this means Tarzan can't remember people's names so, naturally, he asks Tarzan to name his tribe members.
"That's Alice and that there is Bobby and then there's Patrick and Garrett. That little one there, that's Lotus. And where's Beauford?" *everyone looks around* "Oh, right there. There's Beauford. And then of course. No one can forget Skippy. Lastly, there's Lucy."
Dimples is tempted to point out that he's named one person too many, but then he figured he was Lucy so he stayed quiet.


No matter how much Dimples tried to make Tarzan out to be a buffoon, no one takes the hint and Monica is the 5th person voted out of Survivor: One World. That one hurt because I don't particularly care for the Salami tribe and I fear the women left on the Menudo tribe won't last much longer. Bummer.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you surprised Fancy Pants has stayed in control? Can Menudo win a challenge? Will the women on Salami stick together? Who do you think gets hurt next week? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!