Thursday, April 5, 2012

You Got Tarzaned



ran-tic

adjective
1. desperate or wild with Tarzan blood; frenzied
2. subliminally harassed to the point of nominal aphasia
3. the state of being before Tarzaning someone

Origin:
2011-2012; Middle Samoan rantik or renetik; Old French renetique; Latin reneticus; Greek renetikos; Katmandu rantikitkat or renetwizzlers

Related forms:
ran-ti-cal-ly, ran-tic-ly, adverb
ran-tic-ness, noun


With the sun shining and the birds whistling we continue our Polynesian sojourn regretting what could have been, what should have been, what wasn't written in the stars. Jonas got dealt a stinky hand when he was placed with those knuckleheads over on Menudo (Manono) and Troyzan (Troy) can't help but shake his head with remorse over how it all went down at the last Tribal Council. Jonas was a good guy who would have fit in well at Salami (Salani), but chance wouldn't have it. Chance had other ideas. Low key songbird Jay nods in agreement yet looks to the future in the direction of the women. See them over there all gathered together? One, two, three, eighteen, seventy-five... too many! Too many goddamn hens talking about tampons and butterflies. With the threat of a coup hanging prettily in the air like a lacy shawl, Jay decides that a girl must go home next. No ifs, ands, or boobs about it. If he doesn't get rid of a girl next, the shelter will be overrun with bobby pins and Kate Hudson movies by the next Tribal Council. That Jugs (Alicia) already has her bras hanging all over the place. It's only a matter of time before Jay and Handlebar (Kim) are plucking each other's whiskers by the pale moonlight. He needs to nip this nip in the bud - and fast!


The nippling will have to wait because... ahhhh. How refreshing! Is this an un-cola I see before me? And is that Cee Lo singing in the background? bppt bppt bppt ha ha be free and express yourself to what comes naturally ah ah Be yourself. Be refreshing. Will do, home skillet. So yeah, there's a 7-Up in the tree mail and a promise of something crisp and clean on the horizon.


And this brings us to the promotionally sponsored Reward Challenge. Two giant slides with vertical drops of right angles greet the castaways. Jugs immediately fidgets uncomfortably as her bikini bottom begins the slow crawl up her Tikiano. For today's challenge, Survivors will be divided up into two tribes. One at a time tribe members will race down a slide and into the water where they will grab a large puzzle crate and bring it back to the beach. As more tribe members come down the slide, they'll work together to bring in all of the crates. Once they have all seven crates on the platform, they will use those crates to solve a puzzle. The first tribe to get it right will be taken to a 7-Up oasis where a barbecue feast of burgers, steak, key lime pie, and, of course, 7-Up, will await them.

On the green team we have Jay, Troyzan, Kat, Jugs, and Prunes (Chelsea).
On the yellow team we have Michael, Handlebar, Sabrina, ChaCha (Christina), and Leif.
Tarzan (Greg) and his doody butt will sit this one out.
Survivors ready, go!



Jay and Michael are first down on the slide and racing into the water. Both retrieve the giant crates and plop them up on the platforms. Dimples gives the OK to Troyzan and Handlebar who take off next and meet up with Jay and Michael waiting in the water for them. The green team pulls ahead as Handlebar struggles with her crate and Kat takes off down the slide. Sabrina joins the yellows next quickly closing the gap with the greens. With teams once again neck in neck, Prunes and ChaCha join their tribes in the water and we're down to the last two sliders. Jugs and Leif. Bountifully big bosomed Jugs and aerodynamic Leif. At home I giggled to myself because either Jugs' entire bikini was about to burst apart or Leif was about be catapulted to New Zealand in a matter of seconds.


Slide... whoosh... splat!

Jugs takes a hard hit on her Tikiano while Leif... wait, where's Leif? *grabs opera glasses and looks to the sky* Oh, there he is. *waves to Leif*


Out in the water the tribes are frantically untying their last crate while ChaCha decides that right now is as good a time as any to take a nap. She trots back ashore, climbs atop the puzzle crates, and curls up for a little afternoon siesta while the rest of her tribe struggles with a giant wooden box. A well-rested ChaCha is a clear thinking ChaCha because when her tribe rejoins on her on the platform, she takes the helm and directs the puzzle pieces into place.


Over on the green team, Troyzan takes the position of leader while Kat crawls face first in the sand and tries to cheat off of the yellows. Troyzan yanks her back by her ankles, but now Jay is trying to tiptoe over into the yellow territory. With his tribe focusing on everything but the puzzle in front of them, Troyzan's reprimands fall on deaf ears as YELLOW TRIBE WINS REWARD!!!


The yellows erupt into cries of cheers and celebration. Sabrina and ChaCha embrace warmly. Handlebar shouts "Wooo!" Leif humps Michael's leg and joy abounds. Chants of "Barbecue! We got barbecue! Barbecue!" fill the scene while over in the corner the poster girl for good sportsmanship drags her lower lip in the sand. It's Prunes and today she is a sad shriveled up raisin. No hamburgers for you Prunes. No steaks, no hot dogs, no pie. And since you voted off Jonas, no sauteed young coconut either. Awww. Sad face.

Whisked away to the 7-Up Oasis, we find the yellows marveling at the riches around them. Leif immediately does a front flip into the swimming pool while ChaCha sticks her head face first into a bowl of pretzels. Anything and everything in this odd little paradise is put to good use and nothing is taken for granted. Handlebar squeezes limes onto the a sizzling steak while Sabrina smacks a burger out of ChaCha's mouth and forces her to pray first.


Dear God,
People are starving in the former Yugoslavia and so are we. Now that we know what it feels like to go without food, we totally deserve this. Big ups to Cee Lo!
Amen.

Amen. What a beautiful prayer.

With wide eyes and a rodent tongue lapping up all the mayonnaise on her lips, Handlebar chews with her mouth wide open and reprimands Leif for moaning. "Stop moaning!", she shouts as a piece of potato falls out of her mouth and onto the plate. Her cries, as well as that depilatory cream, go ignored as Leif is in seventh heaven. He may sleep like the undead, but he eats like someone very much alive.

With the men still eating and ChaCha passed out in the chip bowl, Handlebar beckons Sabrina over with a flick of her bony finger to see where her head is at. Sabrina divulges that she's satisfied going forward in the threesome she's already in: Herself, Handlebar, and Prunes. Handlebar nods in agreement and the two discuss how getting rid of Michael should be their next move. As it turns out, Handlebar already has a plan concocted in which she'll tell Troyzan that Michael wants to vote him off. Although it's a decent plan, it should have set off enormous church bells in Sabrina's head. Not only is Handlebar most definitely playing the game, but she's playing it quietly which means she can't be trusted. If she's already concocted this plan to get rid of Michael, who knows what else she has up her sleeve?


Back at camp, the sad clowns are sitting around poking at the dirt and gnawing on tree bark. Troyzan mumbles something about pebbles being better for one's digestive tract than steak and Kat nods in agreement. Fruity pebbles! Prunes, however, wants to talk game. Amongst this group of ne'er-do-wells who aren't even necessarily in her alliance, Prunes wants to cut the chitchat and get to who is going home next. Where's the fire Prunes? Your best good friend is still off eating succulent burgers with mayonnaise crusting in her 'stache and here you are all antsy to talk game behind her back with the likes of the 'Zan brothers. Speaking of a 'Zan, Troyzan says he'd like ChaCha to go home next and Jay quickly agrees. Kat says that ChaCha may be annoying, but Michael is clearly the bigger threat. Hearing Michael's name muttered pricks up Jay's ears as he crinkles his brow. Getting rid of Michael now doesn't fit into his testosterone building plan. It won't solve the problem of the panty hose hanging off the shower rod either.

Before Jay can object and anymore plans can be discussed, the yellow tribe returns from their Reward carrying Leif's new bed - a cooler full of 7-Up. 7-Up for everyone! Troyzan helps himself to a refreshingly crisp 7-Up, but in the back of his mind he's worried about the girls wanting to get rid of Michael. The sooner he can check in with his Salami brothers and sisters, the more relaxed he'll be.

While the 7-Up may been refreshing, the Samoan rains are not. With the winds blowing and the trees bending to their will, we once again find our smattering of castaways miserable and wet. In the distance the waves crash upon the shore, but in the shelter another wave is ready to crash and her name is Prunes. With a storm coming and the wind increasing in intensity, Tikiano needs to build up their shelter as quickly as possible. With Leif perched on one side of the roof, he attaches palm fronds and bamboo shingles while on the other side of the shelter, Tarzan systematically removes slabs of the wall piece by piece. Leif adds, Tarzan subtracts. And not only is Tarzan subtracting, but he's subtracting and burning. According to Prunes, who by the way is just sitting in the shelter and not lifting a finger to help add or subtract, Tarzan is using parts of the hut for firewood while there is already a pile of firewood for them to burn.

I get what Prunes is saying and she has a valid point, but, at the same time, she's not doing anything about it. No one is. Tarzan is chopping, Leif is building, Sabrina is cuddling under a blanket, and the rest are sitting there wide-eyed and cold. If you're worried that Tarzan is burning your house down, then get up off your ass and help secure the shelter. Go chop some more firewood. You chose to keep Tarzan in the game so now you have to deal with him. You have to deal with him thinking poop is dirt, thinking Leif is LaToya, and thinking your house is kindling. Now, you can do one of two things: You can sit in the shelter and bitch about it or you can work with Tarzan, make friends with him, and try to secure his vote when he decides who to hand a million dollars to. This goes for everyone, not just Prunes. Let's take a trip back in time to Phillip Sheppard, shall we? His alliance knew he was nuts, they knew he was unreasonable, but how did Rob choose to deal with it? Did he pick fights with him or did he play along and keep him happy so as not to jostle the dainty gears and pulleys in his brain? Tarzan is a delicate flower and you need to treat him as such. Otherwise, you'll wake up with 7-Up caps for nipples and pieces of the S.S. Vagina injected in your lips.


Speaking of nipples, it's clear as day that Prunes hates hers. The butcher who put those things back on her chest not only made them buzz now when it gets cold, but instilled a deep seeded hatred for the entire plastic surgery field into this young girl's once loving heart. Wizard Dr. Tarzan can sense an unhappy Botox experience or a botched vaginal rejuvenation from a mile away. Sometimes it's a feeling he gets in his gut and other times it's a look he recognizes in the distant stare of an unsatisfied patient. That vacant "don't look at my vagina" gaze that some women have. That pain behind their eyes. Tarzan sees it walk through his basement laboratory everyday. Sensing the very same loss and pain in Prunes (that has to be why she's so cranky, right?), Tarzan decides to have a consultation with her to see if he can put her at ease about her clinking buzzing topsy turvy breasticles.

I have to admit that when I was first watching Tarzan tell Prunes she must have had an unpleasant plastic surgery experience, I thought he was talking about her nose. Whoopsie. My bad. With Jugs around, it's kind of hard to notice anyone else's boobs. Anyhow, Prunes is horrified by Tarzan standing there with a Sharpie ready to circle her nipples and draw arrows to a place where they'd be more happy. She asks, "Is this guy for real?" and then considers, yet again, voting him out. In the end, she decides a-gain that he's not an immediate threat so, as much she hates to say it, she'll keep him around for a little longer. Again.


After the rains pass and Prunes has safely hidden all of Tarzan's Sharpies, it's now time for Handlebar to put her Troyzan/Michael plan into motion. While alone with Troyzan, she shakily tells him that Michael has been planting the seeds to vote him out. We could hear her heart racing and see her fight off the giggles, but the plan worked. And, as predicted, Troyzan loses his shit and gets all bunged up about the news that Michael wants him out. Through a barrage of f-bombs and maniacal hand waving, Troyzan declares his newfound hatred for that jack ass Michael. Handlebar calmly advises Troyzan to keep it on the down low so Michael feels safe. The last thing Handlebar wants is Michael getting a whiff of her lie and doing damage control before the vote.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, Survivors will race across a ladder bridge while maneuvering bags of puzzle pieces along a twisting rope. The first four to reach the finish line will continue onto Round 2 where they will solve a complicated puzzle containing 60 pieces. First person to complete the puzzle wins Immunity. Since it's impossible to sit out Tarzan again, I guess we'll let him play. Survivors ready, go!


The challenge begins with Jay, Troyzan, Michael, Kim, and Prunes all preforming well. The rain begins to fall and with it, Prunes. The only rule in this game is don't fall off the bridge or else you have to go back to the start. Prunes plops into the sand so back to the start she goes.


Jay crosses the finish line first with Handlebar not far behind him. Michael gets stuck in one particular spot while Jugsy Malone makes a surprisingly boobalicious appearance and becomes a viable contender in this race. Troyzan grunts at his rope and yanks hard on his pieces only to trip and stumble into third place. With one spot left to fill, Jugs whips out her jugs and rounds out the final four leaving Michael back on the ladder bridge completely perplexed. He has no idea how that just happened. Mind you, he's never won an individual immunity challenge in his life, but still he has no idea how Jugs just beat him. Remember this confused look of his because we'll be seeing it again later.

For Round 2 we have Jay, Handlebar, Troyzan, and Jugs. Our final four contenders furiously untie their bags of puzzle pieces only to discover and angled and plentiful world of blocks. So so many blocks. Little blocks, big blocks, tall blocks, halfsie blocks, slivers of blocks... blocks of all shapes and sizes. And somehow, players have to place this mess into a neat Survivor square. Jugs places a piece correctly first while Jay sits and scratches his head. Handlebar and Troyzan begin to shuffle pieces this way and that while, still, Jay is studying the layout of the land. He makes notes and draws diagrams before very slowly and deliberately beginning to place his pieces.



We hurtle through space and time to find 3 of the 4 players approaching their final pieces. Jay is still naming his pieces one by one though. This one is Marlon, this one is Josephine, this one is Horatio. Over at Jugs' station she's nearing the end yet something is askew. The pieces aren't matching up so she tries to bang them into place with her breasts. Handlebar and Troyzan fall into the same trap as their pieces aren't fitting neatly into place either. While the three consider which parts of their puzzles to dismantle, Marlon, Josephine, and Horatio clasp hands and line up one by one by one. Tada! JAY WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at camp, Jay is ready to tear down those frilly curtains in the shelter. It's time to vote out a woman and in his mind that woman should be ChaCha. Handlebar, however, has different plans. She checks in with Troyzan to make sure they're still on the same page and happily discovers that Troyzan is so blinded by his hatred of Michael that he's more than willing to vote him out tonight. Handlebar's only concern is Jay finding out beforehand. Even though she's straddling two alliances and her heart lies with the women, Handlebar may need Jay down the line so it's best not to make him unnecessarily suspicious.


Unfortunately for Handlebar, her antsy best good friend Prunes is in the shelter once again asking people who aren't in her alliance who they should vote out tonight. In front of Jugs and ChaCha, she asks Jay what he thinks of getting rid of Michael tonight. Jay tells her straight up that he's scared of the girls voting him out next. Prunes mumbles something about that not be necessarily true. Jay raises his eyebrow upon hearing the word "necessarily" and turns to the peanut gallery for any comments they may have. Jugs stares silently at her bosoms while ChaCha swats at an imaginary fly. The curtains sway in the breeze and Jay is once again reminded how powerful these girls will get if he doesn't get rid of one of them tonight.

Handlebar gets word of Prunes' indiscretion and promptly calls her asinine. *giggles* Why in the world would Prunes discuss votes with Jay in front of Jugs and ChaCha?! Handlebar combs her mustache in quiet contemplation and decides that she needs to clean this mess up by herself - without any help from Prunes! While telling the girls to stay calm and not start anything with the boys, Handlebar learns from Kat that Jay and Michael have gone to take a walk together. Keeping her panic to a low boil, Handlebar bursts in on the boys conversation and blurts out, "Let's do Christina!" Her timing couldn't have been more perfect as Jay was just about to tell Michael what Prunes was saying about voting him out.

Hearing ChaCha's name brought up as a possible target immediately puts Michael at ease. He's completely confident in his alliance and doesn't think his tribe will backstab him at all. In fact, he thinks Jay should chill out and not panic so much.

Speaking of panicking, Handlebar is shaking like a twitchy possum. She tells the girls that things will be different after tonight and they need to decide whether or not they want to keep or get rid of ChaCha. Huh? Why is this still up for question? She put out the Prunes fire, recruited Troyzan, put Jay's mind at ease, and made Michael feel safe. What exactly is up for discussion here?

And now we arrive at Tribal Council. Dimples, in a rain speckled glittery blue blouse, brings in a beaming smiling Jonas to observe the festivities and I immediately wonder if he's drunk. He must be. He was never that happy during the game. Dimples begins the night by taking a poll of who is genuinely concerned about going home tonight. The group sits in stony silence and not one person raises their hand. Naturally, Dimples is delighted that they all think their safe. Delighted and then disgusted. Tarzan tells Dimples that someone in their group must be very good at deception for everyone to feel so safe. Handlebar lowers her eyes and stares at the ground.

Troyzan then beams, "I didn't even bring my bag!" And one by one, Handlebar, Prunes, ChaCha, and Michael all confess that they would be blown away to get voted off tonight. Always the Nancy Drew, Dimples turns to Handlebar wanting to know where all of this confidence comes from. Handlebar tells him that some people think that they're part of alliances that they're not necessarily a part of. The confusion of going from One World to Two Worlds to Single Sex World to Co-Ed World and then back to One World again has caused a lot of confusion and not everyone is sure of where they stand. Prunes jumps in and says that maybe aligning with two or three groups is a good idea.

Jugs, with a feather I've never noticed before sticking out of the side of her head, says she has no idea who's with whom in this game. As far as she's concerned, it'll take her a few more Tribal Councils to iron out all the wrinkles. ChaCha confirms that the lines are still blurry and...


"We're all playing ya Jeff. The game is afoot. You're being played."
Dimples swings his head around towards Tarzan and gestures to himself, "Moi? Me? I'm being played?" Kat giggles and poops out a marshmallow on the log next to Leif. "His rantics are so... Tarzaned, that's what we call it if it's a rantic. You just got Tarzaned." Dimples opens his eyes in delight and asks, "So did I just get Tarzaned?" Kat nods, "You got Tarzaned!" At home I giggled gin out of my nose and then choked on a lime wedge in horror. What are those things on Dimples' feet? Prison sandals. He's wearing open-toed prison sandals. Right there perched on his stool in front of God and everyone, Dimples is wearing sandals. It's like that scene in Ferris Bueller's Day Off when you see Matthew Broderick reclining in a lounge chair looking so cool and then the camera pulls out to reveal that he's wearing brown leather sandals with a dainty buckle on the side. Image. Shattered. You can no longer differentiate between good and evil, hot and cold, up and down. All you know is that Dimples is wearing goofy shoes and nothing will ever erase the horror. Ever.


Alright, let's get to the vote. Two votes for ChaCha, two votes for Tarzan. Huh? Who the hell is voting for Tarzan? 83 votes for Michael. Michael is the 8th person voted out of Survivor: One World.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Was Michael the right person to go home? How will Jay recover from losing another male? Where did that feather in Jugs' hair come from? Can Handlebar keep Prunes in line from here on out? Will you ever look at Dimples in the same way again? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!