Thursday, April 12, 2012

Put On Your Big Girl Panties

Sometimes on rainy day afternoons I like to take out my hot glue gun and create sea life sculptures - lovely little expressions of how I'm feeling. It's a way to express myself through crustaceans. After rolling my 6 drawer storage cart (Office Depot, bitch) into the bay window of my craft room and plugging in Mr. Sticky (that's what I call my hot glue gun), I sit in quiet contemplation and let inspiration fall where it may. 9 times out of 10, inspiration lands right in the center of my giant glitter bowl. Tiny speckles of deliciousness sparkle up at me and in that moment I know, I just know, these dried out crab legs are going to sparkle orange today! *squeeze sprinkle squeeze* After the orange glitter has dried, I position Crabby McCrabberson's hind legs into a lotus position while his front legs come together gracefully in a namaste. I call this one Peaceful Crab. He stares up at me with those black rhinestone eyes of his and sometimes I think he can speak. He speaks truth. He speaks of the future. But never, not once, has he said to me, "Let me host! Let me host!" Instead, he says in his best Phaedra Parks voice, "Everybody knows DIY craft projects can't host." That's one smart Peaceful Crab. Let's recap, shall we?

In the early morning dawn a high pitched scream pierces the silence. The men run in the direction of the girls to see what is the matter, but the girls are fine. Lilting songbird Jay, however, is not. With sweat pouring down his face and his heart beating a million miles a minute, ripply abbed Jay, clutches a fluffy pillow to himself and whimpers, "I dreamed I got shot. And I was about to get capped again when I woke up." The snickering crowd looking down at him asks who shot him, but Jay is mum. He won't say. Instead, Jay shakes off the icky feeling enveloping him and gets back to poking the campfire with a big stick.

A stone's throw away we find those zany 'Zan brothers going over their places in this big bad game of Survivor. Tarzan (Greg) is insistent that all the men are going to lose because the women have the numbers to take them out one by one. Troyzan (Troy) is slightly more optimistic. He's adamant that getting rid of Michael was the right thing to do. Plus, there's a Hidden Immunity Idol out there that could save them all. Tarzan looks down at the sand and chuckles to himself. That Troyzan and his flighty ideas! What a card! Troyzan ignores the giggles escaping the hairy hole staring him in the face and counts on his fingers the members of his alliance. There's Tarzan, there's Jay, there's Leif, there's Jugs (Alicia), there's ChaCha (Christina) - hold up! Jugs and ChaCha? Tarzan again guffaws to himself and shakes his head in disbelief. Could it be that Tarzan's head is screwed on tighter than we thought? Could he know what those scheming women are up to? The conversation ends with hearty chortles. Tarzan advises Troyzan to just win all of the Immunity Challenges from here on out and then he went and grafted squid tentacles to a dolphin fin.


"Peaceful Crab, Peaceful Crab, wake up! I have a job for you."
"Everybody knows that DIY craft projects don't do jobs."
"But I really need you. They lost Dimples in the red light district again."
"Everybody knows that Dimples likes his massages."
"Yes, yes, I know. Now are you gonna help me or not?"
"Everybody knows I'm known for the most fabulous things in life. And this funeral will reflect that."
"Ugh! What the hell are you talking about? Fine! I'll get Troyzan to do it I guess."
"Everybody knows an opinion is like an anus; we all have one."
"Shut up!"

And this brings us to the Dimples-less most awful Reward Challenge in the history of challenges. Week after week, I pay close attention to all Challenge instructions. I want to get them just right because my readers are smart little scamps who'll call me on anything I get incorrect. Having said that, forgive me dear readers. Tarzan described the rules of the challenge last night and all I managed to get down in my notes was, "A numbering system of from 1-5 where you throw hoping to wrap around one of the pegs. Oh, look at that butterfly! Those wings would go great on one of our chickens." So yeah, that's the game we're about to play. The winning tribe will receive a boat ride to a secluded island where they will be treated to a local barbecue. *Leif wets himself*

With all of Tikiano talking and jabbering at once, choice camera angles are blocked and it's mayhem. Not only is Dimples missing, but so is the Stage Manager. These fools are breaking the fourth wall, crossing the 180 line, and making editing a nightmare. Was that rub down really that important Dimples?

In a dark dank den with beaded curtains tinkling in the breeze, a handsome American man in a shirt the color of infant baby eyes lies supine on a bed of intricately ornate pillows. His eyes are half-open (or half-closed depending on how you look at it) as a tiny Samoan woman rubs his big toe. The dimply American heats a ball of Opium over a flickering flame and answers my question, "Yes Lala, the rub down was really that important." Inhaling the sweetness, he purrs like a kitten and smiles to himself.

It's time to pick teams. The Red Team is Troyzan, Jay, Tarzan, Kat, and Jugs.
The Black Team is Prunes (Chelsea), Handlebar (Kim), ChaCha, Sabrina, and Leif.
And in the ultimate form of blasphemy, Troyzan announces, "I'm Troyzan Probst." Bitch, watch yourself! Sabrina feels a lot like I do as she says, "Troy is nobody's host! Hmm mmm." *neck slides back and forth* Thank you Sabrina.

I'm not even going to attempt to recap this monkey shit competition because, quite frankly, it's not worth my time. It wasn't worth my time to watch and it's definitely not worth my time to write about. It was a hot mess, people. Survivors were flinging nunchucks through the air and somehow they scored points for it. Who knows. All I know is that the RED TEAM WINS REWARD!!!

You know what that means, right? Let us take a moment of silence for Prunes to pout again. Poor sad clown. Without Leif to lead the cheers, Jay does the barbecue chant this week. "Bar-be-cue! Bar-be-cue!" *Prunes lower lip trembles*

The Red Team climbs aboard a boat shaped like a banana and cruises towards the most perfectly round island I've ever scene. 360 degrees of perfection. The boat itself isn't too shabby either as it's filled with beer, rum, and coconuts. Sounds like my refrigerator. A kindly gentleman on the bow cracks open some beers for the parched winners while Troyzan, licking his lips, empties an entire bottle of rum into an empty coconut. He takes a swig and we watch as that gentle fog creeps into his skull. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that makes the corners of your mouth creep up and your muscles feel like jell-o. A goofy-smiling Troyzan passes the coconut to Tarzan, a Reward Challenge virgin, and then pours himself another and another.


By the time this group of ne'er-do-well's arrives at the Circle K (that's what I've named this perfectly round island), Troyzan is holding a limbo stick in one hand and trying to stay upright with the other, "A-right lezz gethis party starrrrted. Woo-hoo!" Teetering gingerly on one foot, Troyzan bellows a Fonzy, "Eyyy!" to the crowd. Kat checks her bikini bottom for a rape whistle while Troyzan hollers, "Skinny Dipping in ten minutes! Eyyy!"



While Troyzan was busy chasing the women around the beach a la Benny Hill, Tarzan monitored the progress of the barbecue. Standing there salivating into the fire pit, he remarks at how architecturally beautiful the crabs are. If you like those Tarzan, I've got an entire army of architecturally beautiful crab people that can be yours for the bargain price of one boob job. You hook me up and I'll hook you up. Quid pro quo.

With bellies full and the sun beating down, Kat checks in to see how Jay is feeling about the game. Jay confesses that he was angry that Michael was voted off. He thought Jugs and ChaCha were supposed to go home before Michael. He tells Kat that Jugs, ChaCha, Tarzan, and Leif need to go home before anyone in their own alliance. Kat nods in agreement which does little to assuage Jay's suspicions of the women. His loins are telling him that girls up to no good yet his heart is telling him that they're a crackerjack group of girls who'd never lie... only they did lie. Last week!

Back at Tikiano, the girls are sitting around lazily musing about how great it is that Michael is gone. Handlebar hopes she'll make it to the end with Prunes and Sabrina. She figures if a tribe looks at those three, they'll have no choice but to award Handlebar the million dollars. And she's probably right. She's the only one (well, she and her adam's apple) truly playing the game at this point. Furthermore, she's cutting throats but she's not angering people as she does it which is truly mind blowing. Prunes is a liability more so than a contribution and Sabrina is just kind of meh. I mean, what have you done for me lately Sabrina? We've heard very little out of you since the first few weeks of the game when you were leader by default. Ever since then you've kind of been a backup dancer. Are you plotting, scheming, planning to overthrow Handlebar or are you just along for the ride? Something tells me Sabrina is just along for the ride. I don't see any bold moves dying to get out. But, hey, if she busts out with a plan to blindside Handlebar, no one will be happier than moi.


Speaking of Handlebar, she's letting the girls know that it's a smarter move to get rid of Jay next rather than Troyzan. The ultimate decision will be based on whichever one doesn't win Immunity. The loser will be the one going home. Oh, but Prunes has a problem with that. You see, she looked both Jay and Troyzan in the eye the other day. In. The. Eye. She can't very well look someone in the eye and then the next day vote them out! The looking in of the eyes is a binding contract. Oh sure, there's no paperwork or anything, but it's a binding of spirit, of energy, of will - which is far more sacred. Just ask any cult leader. Jugs, listening to all of this, sneers in Prunes' direction and scoffs, "Bitch please! This is the part where you need to take your heart out of the game and out your brain back in. Seriously." Prunes gets quiet and rubs her tongue across her teeth. When she's not picking her teeth, she's licking them. *pick pick pick lick lick* Gross.

Jugs knows what's what though. No one told Prunes to go fall in love with Jay. No one told her to look people in the eye and make promises she can't keep. No one told her to consort with other alliances, ruin plans, be a motormouth, etc. Prunes' job is simple - shut up and do what Handlebar says. That's all you're good for Prunes. You are Handlebar's bitch. Now deal with it.


Jugs isn't the only one disgusted by Prunes' behavior. Kat is also sort of horrified and, let me tell you, it takes a lot to piss off someone with a strawberry jelly filling. But pissed off she is! With her pixie stick legs, Kat marches right over to Sabrina to tell her how shady Prunes is being. Sabrina is instantly aghast and rightly so. She doesn't want any cracks or holes in her alliance. It's an alliance that's existed since day one. Prunes needs to put on her big girl panties and start making some big girl decisions rather than the lovesick little puppy bullshit she's been playing thus far.

As dusk starts to march in, Jay sits alone on the beach with Troyzan trying to secure whatever alliance it is he thinks he has. Jay tells Troyzan how important it is for them to stick together and not let other people screw them up. Troyzan mentions the idea of getting rid of Jugs and ChaCha and at home I sort of scratched my head. Remember in the beginning when Troyzan told Tarzan that Jugs and ChaCha were on their side? Either we're missing a lot in the editing or the game is indeed afoot. Jay is leaning more towards getting rid of Jugs first because she's two-faced and tight with Kat. But alas, Troyzan's delusions of grandeur poke in their weary heads. He thinks they should just win every Immunity Challenge from here on out. Easier said than done Captain Morgan - especially when there are chicken wings cooking somewhere in the distance.


Still scrambling to keep his menfolk safe, Jay tells Kat that they are all voting out Jugs next. He doesn't ask, he tells. No decision has been made, no one has been consulted, but Jay is just going to go ahead and get that rumor floated. Hopefully, it'll gain enough strength to keep the women's eyes off of the men. It's like Jay, Troyzan, Tarzan, and Leif are all lined up in a row on the beach hiding behind one grain of sand. "You can't see us. We're hiding. Look over there. There's Jugs!" Oh yeah, this plan is perfect. Kat nods in silence which doesn't reassure Jay all that much as he can sense she's not buying his Look Over There Plan. It is here where he switches gears to the Fair Is Fair Plan. The men lost Michael last week so now it's only fair that the women get rid of Jugs. Fair is fair! (Name the movie in the comments and you're a big weiner.) Kat ends the conversation saying she'll see what the others say about the Fair Is Fair plan.

But Jay's got ants in his pants! He doesn't let Kat walk 10 feet let alone get confirmation from the others. Jay instead comes up with a new plan. This one is called I Told Kat. Since Jay told Kat to get rid of Jugs, it makes an immutable fact - Jugs is going home. He runs the I Told Kat by Handlebar, Sabrina, and Kat who all nod and say, "Sure. Yeah. We're in." Jay asks, "So we're cool? Can we make that set and not derive from it?" All three girls cross their fingers behind their backs, "You betcha Jay! Great plan! Count us in!" This seems to satisfy Jay. Words have been spoken. That seals the deal. He's safe. Whew!



Another day passes and on this new morning we find Jugs and Handlebar washing bowls together in the sea. Handlebar assures Jugs that even though the men think the women are voting out Jugs, they're not. It's merely a rumor. Handlebar tells Jugs that the real plan is to get rid of whichever one of the boys doesn't win Immunity. Jugs may hear her name whispered on the wind, but she needs to ignore those whispers and trust that Handlebar is telling her the truth.

Jugs has no problem with that. Troyzan, however, is a different story. He saw Jugs and Handlebar doing the dishes together and didn't like what he saw. Something (try everything!) is telling him not to trust the women. They have the majority so what's to stop them voting out the men one by one? Nothing! Nothing will stop them. Troyzan takes his concerns to Jay who poo-poo's him away. "Oh poppycock," he says. "Those womens are our best friends. We can trust 'em!" Troyzan shakes his head with concern. He has a feeling that the women are planning something and that they'll pull a fast one on him. Jay lays one finger on Troyzan's lips, "Shhh. You're being silly. They wouldn't blindside us! My I Told Kat Plan worked like a charm. We're totally safe!"



And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! So, you decided to show up Dimples. *arms crossed in a huff* I don't think I'll ever get over that DIY challenge.

"Everybody knows you want to look at models, not hear them."
"Oh hush Peaceful Crab!"

For today's challenge, Survivors will stand barefoot on a small wooden perch with their hand tethered to a bucket. When their arm drops so does the grody colored water within and they're out of the challenge. The last person left standing wins Immunity. To make it more interesting, Dimples will tempt the Survivors with delicious treats. Survivors ready, go!


*splash!* And Tarzan is out. Just like that. Dimples tries to blame it on Tarzan's feet, but Tarzan says simply, "Failure." He failed. *shrugs shoulders* So what? I hope he doesn't say that after an eye lift though. "I can't blink my eyes!" *shrugs shoulders* "Failure."


Dimples rolls out his first covered delicacy and before he can even... *splash!* ChaCha is out and is denied 2 cookies and a glass of milk. It seems like a crappy dish of goodies to me, but Sabrina is all over it and takes the dump... and the cookies and milk. *shakes head* These people...

Jugs interrupts my thoughts with, "If you're taking out a plate, I want it!" Without even knowing what the next treat is, Jugs is all ready to quit for it. Jay shouts, "If you take that plate, Imma vote you out!" Like he's unloading some deep dark secret. Shh precious. Leave the game playing to the girls. But when Dimples unveils 4 cupcakes, Jugs crinkles her nose and doesn't want it. Then Kat jumps in, "I'll step down!" And then Handlebar says, "I'm stepping down." What is it with these dumb ass people?!? They get barbecues every other day yet they're willing to blow an Immunity Challenge? IDIOTS.

Both Handlebar and Kat go out for, what I also think, is a crap treat. All of a sudden, Jugs then tells Prunes that she'll jump off which will somehow make Jay jump off and then Prunes will only have the other guys to go against. I don't get it. I have no idea what Jugs is proposing. All I know is homegirl is hon-gray! Dimples also tries to work out what Jugs is proposing and he's a little better at it than I am. Apparently, Jugs can last longer but Prunes is desperate to win something so Jugs will take the high road (and the upcoming treat!) and let Prunes have the victory. That's our Jugs!

And then, having passed up 4 cupcakes, Jugs agrees to take the next treat sight unseen. And this is what she gets...


Pooh balls. A giant bowl of uselessness. You and I both know, cupcakes would have been better than a bowl of candy. Plus, she's gotta know that pizza or chicken or hamburgers are right around the corner. Jugs effed up and she knows it by the look on her face. She tries hard to convince us that the bowl of gumdrops is really what she wanted all along, but the smile never reaches her eyes. Nice try. Not buying it.

The next out is Troyzan and the poor dude doesn't even get a treat to show for it. Now we're left with Prunes, Leif, and Jay. Dimples then wheels out a platter of chicken wings and beer... excuse me, million dollar chicken wings and beer.


*splash!* There goes Jay. Jay! Of all people. So so stupid.


Prunes is just as surprised as I am and that's probably the only thing we'll ever agree on in this life. She's not only shocked, she's devastated. By the whine in her voice, the dramatic gasp, and the "He doesn't even drink beer!"- I know, you know, we all know that Prunes has the hots for Jay and that's why she wanted him to stay in the game. But now, with a face full of million dollar wings, he's as good as gone.


It's down to Prunes and Leif now. Prunes reveals that she wants to win because she's embarrassed by some puzzle (which one?). She tells Leif that if he steps down it makes him less of a threat. Dimples claps and giggles with glee, but Leif holds steady and insists that he can stay on his perch all day long. Until, that is, Dimples whips out a tray of burgers and potato chips. Dimples waves it front of Prunes face, but she declines, "I don't want to see it." Meanwhile, her best good friends on the bench are begging Prunes to take the damn food because she hasn't eaten anything in a while. Prunes is a stubborn bitch though who wants a victory no matter how worthless or unfairly won it is. Well, she gets her victory, but lets keep in mind that she won only after 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 - EIGHT - people quit. Quit! Congratulation Prunes. You won Immunity by default. Surely that makes you feel better about yourself than this mysterious puzzle you're dwelling over. *snickers to self*

One more thing, and this pissed me off. Prunes goes out of the game a winner by snubbing her crooked nose whenever food was offered. Yet, here she stands now with a mouth full of food. She's eating the other people's prizes! That's not allowed! Prunes didn't win that food. She won by shunning food. She cheated. Plain and simple. That food wasn't hers to eat.

Back at camp, they congratulate Prunes for winning after everyone else already quit. Handlebar is especially pleased because she was afraid of coming across as too much of a threat. Furthermore, it's good to let Prunes feel what it's like to be a winner once in a while. Oh snap! *falls over laughing* Speaking of Prunes, she's up to her old tricks again - wondering if she should vote out Troyzan instead of Jay. But then, a thought flits through her mind. A green crispy thought. It's money. Money! Prunes loooooves money. Flipping through her Rules Of Life, she discovers that money is the one thing that make the eye contact contract null and void. Huh. What do you know? Is that convenient or what?

Handlebar, who is clearly steering this ship, instructs her girls to split the votes between Troyzan and Jay in case one of them has the Immunity Idol. She goes so far as to say that Tarzan will vote for Jay and Leif will vote for Troyzan. Wha... wha... what? Come again. How did Handlebar get Tarzan and Leif in her pocket? This is extremely frustrating because I feel like we're missing a whole other facet of the game that could explain some hinky votes in the past, present, and future. The storytelling, among other things, is way off this season. Don't you feel like there's information we, as the viewing audience, should know but aren't getting?

While I'm left wondering if Handlebar is dancing naked under the pale moonlight casting spells on the menfolk, Jay is doing his check-in with Handlebar. "Is everything ok? There's not gonna be any blindsides, right? We cool?" "Yup, we're hunky dory. No shenanigans whatsoever. You, I mean Jugs, is going home. Right-o!" Jay skips off happy and Handlebar tells Jugs about the plan to split the votes. Just as Jugs is bouncing off, Troyzan approaches to check in with his leader, Handlebar. "You're not voting me off are you?" "No! You're safe. You're safe. You're safe." Hmm that was one too many "you're safe's" for Troyzan's liking. Better go dig up the Idol then report this to Jay...


Troyzan changes his shorts, slips the Idol in his pocket, and goes off to tell Jay he smells something fishy. "I have an Idol bro. I'm playing it. If someone's playing me, I want them to go home." Jay's eyes widen hearing this news about the Idol. "No one's playing you Troy. I ain't heard the slightest inclination." Troyzan replies, "They wouldn't tell you anyways!" But Jay, effervescent bubbles for brains Jay, doesn't see it, doesn't get it. Troyzan, god bless him, is trying to open Jay's eyes but they're superglued shut or something. Give me back my Mr. Sticky, Jay! With tender-hearted "I'll trust anything" Jay as his partner, Troyzan needs to try another tactic to wake him up. He asks Jay if he'll vote out Handlebar tonight. Interesting. So someone finally sees that she's pulling everyone's strings. Her own alliance can't see it, but leave to an outsider who's been lied to all along to pick up on it. I'm not particularly a fan of Troyzan, but his instincts are pretty good and I won't begrudge him that.


Whish! Splat! Kerplunk! Here we are at Tribal Council where Tarzan is fetching in a lovely red blouse. I thought it looked familiar...


I'm going to throw something out there and tell me what you think - Tarzan is an evil genius who is putting on an act and playing everyone. Blam! What do you think? Does it work for you? Can you see it? Something about the red blouse tipped me off or maybe it's just wishful thinking. Remember, Phillip Sheppard made it awfully far in the game. Is Tarzan pulling a Phillip Sheppard, but... consciously? Let it marinate and get back to me.

Ok so back to Tribal... Troyzan says he thought that Jonas and Michael going home was a coincidence, but now he wonders if it's something else. What? The writing in the stars hasn't tipped you off? The hermit crabs spelling out THE WOMEN ARE PLAYING YOU wasn't big enough of a hint for you? *shakes head* Tarzan blames it on the men losing their will and breaking their allegiance too early in the game. Plus, the women are simply smarter than the men. Tarzan is right you know. The men screwed up big time when they got rid of Jonas.

Airy fairy melody in the night sky Jay thinks that the women and the men are working harmoniously together. He also thinks that Israel and Palestine are good buddies and North and South are holding hands as we speak. It must be awfully fun to live in a world with no hate, no dissension, no backstabbing. I want to live a world like that with cloudless skies and tanned ripply men singing like nightingale's. I'd probably be a lot happier and drink a lot less gin. *cheers to my fellow grumpy people who hide under the covers at least twice a week*

Even though Jay trusts the women, he's feeling not so safe tonight and raises his hand when Dimples asks who feels like they're on the chopping block. Handlebar raises her hand too - because she caught wind of Troyzan trying to vote her out via Jay. Cuddly Care Bear big mouth Jay. Handlebar felt a funky vibe back at camp and even though she felt safe before, during, and after the Immunity Challenge, something changed that made her more paranoid.

Speaking of paranoia, how do you keep paranoia from affecting your plans Prunes? "I look it in the eye Dimples. I look it in the eye and tell it how I feel. That's all you can do." Oh shut up. You didn't even answer his question.

Troyzan then brings up an interesting point which has been a long standing factor in another little game called Big Brother. Troyzan says he pays attention to who cheers for whom, who quits in challenges, and who applauds when someone goes out in a game. Those claps are very telling. Sharp staccato hints is what they are and Troyzan is very smart to pick up on them. I can't tell you how many late night BB conversations have been about this exact subject. You could spend hours analyzing what those claps mean.

Jugs cites some other hints to pay attention to - like shorts. Troyzan is wearing different shorts tonight. Shorts with pockets. Ooooh pockets! Pockets for Idols.


Speaking of Idols, Troyzan will be playing his tonight. He says some of the dumbest moves are when people get voted out with an Idol in their pocket. Troyzan isn't going out like that. He will not join that group. And save himself Troyzan does as Jay is the 9th person voted out of Survivor: One World.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? What was your reaction to everyone throwing the competition? Is Troyzan in trouble next week? Will any of the women ever turn on Handlebar? Is Tarzan playing a very clever game using what I like to call The Phillip Sheppard Method? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!