Thursday, May 3, 2012

A Quantum Entanglement

Oscar Wilde once said, "Youth is wasted on the young." And then Kat once said, "Let's get drunk!" Timeless quotes from wise sages. Ah, the fleeting spring of youth. Spewing forth it's nectar (150 proof! Wut wut!) and intoxicating *burp* us with it's beauty and promise. Dorian Gray sold his soul for it. Madeline Ashton broke her neck for it. And why not?! Just this morning, on my way to work at the International House Of Blogs, I ran over a grandmother pushing a baby carriage. I told the officer, in between sucking the jello shots I keep in the glove compartment, "I'm 22!" He crumpled up the ticket that said something or other about vehicular homicide and I went about my merry way. So, young as the morning, fresh as dew... bask in it. Wallow in it's sugary goodness and rub it's jelly all over yourself before time marches across your face and leaves a trail of jagged lines in it's wake. Embrace the brevity of your golden era. Make out with your cousins and dance, young'uns, dance! Before you know it, you'll be 28 with a Tom Selleck on your upper lip. *shivers* Ew. Let's recap, shall we?

With the moon gently kissing the water, we continue our weary and tired Samoan tale. Our never ending eternal tale. Our "Isn't it over yet?!" tale. Through the blackness, thoughts turn to Troyzan. Prunes (Chelsea) can't believe he's finally gone while Kat sits gnawing on her Oreo fingers wondering what his final message to her meant. He said, "Do it." Do. It. What *scratches head* could that possibly mean? Kat looks around at her surroundings and doesn't see all that much left to do. Tarzan is already doing surgery. Jugs (Alicia) is already flicking sand fleas at ChaCha's (Christina) head. Handlebar (Kim) is already combing her upper lip. Everything that can be done is getting done already. Kat sighs to herself and decides she'll do what she does back at home. She'll lay quietly in her bed while going through her favorite movie scene by scene. Scene 1: Elvis returns home.

With Kat giggling softly to herself, Jugs continues her nightly torture of ChaCha. "You could have gone home!", she snarls. ChaCha looks down to count on her fingers one by one. "Where did that extra vote come from," she wonders. "Surely, not Troyzan." Meanwhile, Jugs snickers to herself and draws a giant 'L' on ChaCha's forehead. With a dummy like that, maybe it's not a bad idea to keep her around to the end. Sabrina, on the other hand, could be a real threat. In a scrawl with daggers and flames inexplicably woven in between the letters, Jugs begins to make a list. #1 - Sabrina is lazy and does nothing. #2 - Sabrina sucks at challenges. #3 - Sabrina does whatever she's told. With a glint in her eye, Jugs looks up from her list and declares, "Sabrina scares me. We'll have to get rid of her next. I'm the most powerful person in this game!!!" And then she beat on her chest and threw a burlap sack of oranges at ChaCha.

A new day dawns and with it, another product placement. Jugs and Sabrina check tree mail only to discover the telltale SPRINT staring back at them. Excited or epileptic, the two bounce up and down shaking the Sprint box repeatedly. Springs and microchips begin popping out from the sides. Battery acid leaks all over their hands while the glass shatters into tiny pieces on the ground, but who cares? Shake away, ladies. Shake it like the maraca that it is. Then comes grumpy ole Prunes to turn merriment into sour milk. "Stop shaking the Sprint phone!" *grumble grumble*

After Tarzan successfully reconstructs the phone using stems and gills, the Tikianos gather around to stare at the tiny people living inside. There's Sabrina's brother Tony, Jugs' sister Leticia, Prunes dad Ken, ChaCha's dad Sung, Handlebar's sister Beth, Kat's cousin Robby, and Tarzan's wife Terri. Oh boo hoo! Waah waah! *wipes tears* It's only been a month, but *sobs*. Standing in a puddle of snot and tears, the remaining Survivors weep in unison. Jugs, standing in an unfamiliar geometric print backless dress, dabs at her tears with her jugs while Sabrina has decided for everyone that Tarzan and ChaCha should definitely get to spend time with their loved ones. ChaCha's dad had a kidney transplant and, according to Sabrina, is knocking on heaven's door so that one's a no brainer, but what's the big deal with Tarzan? Is an old man missing his wife any more important than a cousin missing her lover or a sister missing her brother? Remember when he wouldn't share his letter from home? No visit! That's what I say. If you can't share with the rest of the class, then you're not allowed to get face time. *stamps it into a law*

And this brings us to the tearful, and deliciously awkward, Reward Challenge. Before Dimples can even announce the first family member's name, ChaCha bursts into tears and crumples onto the ground. Jugs kicks her in the ribs repeatedly while the family members are marched out one by one. First up is Beth, Handlebar's sister. They embrace and Beth whispers, "Hulk Hogan, shave that thing!" Next we meet Sung, the cutest dad next to Otto (remember Mascaroni's dad?). He runs out to greet ChaCha and even Jugs begins to cry. Prunes dad comes out next and while they hug she announces, "I've been such a hard ass on the show." *looks around the room* Hard ass? Who? Where? Huh? Are you talking about the girl who cried because her fingers got pruney? Oh yeah, hard ass all the way. *falls over from rolling eyes too hard*

The parade of relatives continues and we meet Tony, Sabrina's Amish brother. With a beard and no mustache, Tony is ripped from head to toe. Hey there, Tony! There's a casting mistake if ever I saw one. Next we meet Leticia, Jugs sister, and she's even more evil than Jugs! While Jugs burbles through tears, Leticia stands with her mouth firmly in a straight line, "We're not an emotional family." and then she kicked Jugs in the vag. Now we know where she gets it from!

Alright everyone, turn your clocks upside down and stand in front of a carnival mirror because here comes weirdness. "Are you ready for your cousin, Kat?" "Woof! Woof! Flerken wuverglerkin!" Cousin Robby runs out as Kat crawls in the dirt and pees on a fire hydrant. Robby sweeps her up into his arms and *bowm chicka rowr rowr* We'll have a mini Reese's Pieces in 9 months. Lastly, we have Tarzan. He kneels down on one knee and I stared at my television confused. But when Terrie ran out and little bits of twine, yo-yo plastic, play doh, and Martha Stewart card stock began to hit the ground, I knew Tarzan knelt in order to easily pick up his wife's breasts, cheekbones, and lips. What a gentleman!

And this brings us to the challenge where the prize is another effing banquet. I swear some of those bitches are gaining weight on that island. For today's challenge, Survivors will be tied up to their loved ones while racing to untangle a rope that is woven through a series of obstacles. First team to the end, wins. Survivors ready, go.

Handlebar/Beth work nimbly together while on Tarzan's team, Terri does all the work. Sung and ChaCha sit down to have a nice chat while Kat/Robby are frantically untangling their rope. Meanwhile, Prunes/Ken move steadily along while Sabrina/Tony sit stuck at the starting line. I guess being bad in challenges runs in the family. Forget what I said about casting Tony. The challenge continues and it's neck and neck between Handlebar/Beth and Kat/Robby. With one last tangle to untangle, Robby slips through the rope before Beth can move Handlebar's mustache out of the way and... KAT WINS REWARD!!!

Kat, you can pick another team to join you on your reward. *Don't pick Handlebar. Don't pick Handlebar. Don't pick Handlebar.* "I pick Handlebar!" *smacks self in head* Kat, you can pick one more team to join you. *Don't pick Prunes. Don't pick Prunes. Don't pick Prunes.* "I pick Jugs!" Ok, I can accept that one. Sabrina however, Sheriff of the Challenge Police, is not OK with Kat's selections. She whispers to Tarzan, "It should've been you!" Deputy Prunes chimes in, "She should have picked ChaCha." Really Prunes, really? Would you have picked ChaCha? No. Way. You would have picked Handlebar and Sabrina. Shut your face from now on until I ask to hear from you. Sensing some tension amongst her tribe mates, Kat wants to make one thing clear. "I just want to get drunk guys. I want to par-tay down with my bitches! Mar-ga-ri-tas!!!" Then she danced a little jig while everyone stared at each other awkwardly.

Off at the Reward, Kat is on cloud nine. She finally won something and doggonit she deserves this win. The other attendees are eager to spend time with their members, but Kat has already poured a platter of shots and started Spin The Bottle. Sure, she cheats every time and spins it directly to Robby, but this is her win and no one will take that away from her. In between swigs of her Rum Coco, Kat brags to the table that she, Handlebar, and Jugs have that whole Tikiano tribe in check. Everyone does what they say and they all think their safe. Sabrina especially. Speaking of Sabrina, she should go home before ChaCha. It's a bold statement coming from a gummy bear, but Jugs and Handlebar agree. Maybe this is their final three?

Handlebar confides in her sister that the more she thinks about it, the more she thinks Jugs and Kat are the right two to cruise to the end with. Jugs is completely delusional and Kat would forget where she put the million before she'd have a chance to spend it. Handlebar is a little worried about turning against Sabrina, but she'll deal with that back at camp.

Speaking of back at camp, Sheriff Sabrina is kicking up a storm over that Reward Challenge. "I'm so mad! What Kat did was totally selfish!" Listen here, Sheriff, have you ever won anything? Like, anything at all? Have you ever come up with a plan? Have you ever, oh I don't know, done something that Handlebar hasn't told you to do? Alrighty then. You have lost all of your bitching privileges. Plus, why do you want to reward the two people not in your alliance? And what's so goddamn special about Tarzan's wife?!? So what, he misses her. Big deal. If he misses her so much, then vote him out and he can spend the next 20 years with her.

Here's something that bugs me - this idea that these people deserve anything. Prunes is forever spouting gibberish about who deserves to be there. "She's not nice enough to be here.", "He's not trustworthy enough.", "That's one too mean.", "That one put poo pants in the pot." How about, "She cried like a little bitch on day two because of the rain." None of you people deserve to be there. None of you deserve a million dollars for being on a reality show. Get over yourselves! You know who deserves a million dollars? Me. Me, the saint who makes you people interesting week after week.

In Sabrina's world, Beth, Leticia, and Robby are nowhere near as important as Sung or Terrie. And so, because Kat hasn't done what Sabrina wanted and obeyed Sabrina's hierarchy plan of importance, Sabrina wants her out of the game for being selfish. Prunes hears this and shouts, "Hear! Hear!" Stick a cork in it, Prunes. The funny this is, Tarzan and ChaCha don't really seem all that upset about not going on the Reward. They know they'll see their loved ones in like 5 days. If they're not putting up a stink about it, then why are Sabrina and Prunes?

So, in all of their anger over justice and what's right and what's wrong, Sabrina and Prunes decide that the four of them should vote out Kat. Tarzan is inwardly shocked at how quickly these dumb bitches let emotion run their game. He knows Kat wasn't next in the firing line for quite a while and mentions this to Prunes. Prunes confesses that she's jealous of Kat's relationships with all of the men on the jury and doesn't necessarily want to be sitting next to her in the end. The next step is convincing Handlebar and Jugs to join the plan. All I'm wondering is why they edited out the scene of ChaCha and Tarzan giggling together over how awesome it was not getting picked for Reward. Luck, for these two, be a lady and her name is Kat.

Handlebar returns to camp after the Reward and Prunes fills her in on how Kat broke like 50 decency laws. Prunes shows Handlebar Sabrina's citation book, but all Handlebar can do is sigh. The plan is to get rid of Sabrina, not Kat. Prunes hears this and says, "Oh, so we're getting rid of Sabrina? OK." She chucks Sabrina's citations into the fire as Handlebar decides it's best for her, and everyone else, if she just goes ahead and continues winning all of the Immunity Challenges from here on out. Letting the power fall into the hands of any of these chuckleheads probably isn't the best idea - for Handlebar herself and the universe. The goal is to stay away from DEFCON 1, not walk right into it.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge Survivors will be standing on a ledge over the water while holding onto a handle behind your back. The handle is attached to a wench which Dimples will crank with glee whenever the fancy strikes him. Last wench, I mean Survivor, standing wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!

The Survivors stand perched over the water as... *step* Sabrina steps right out of the challenge. Jugs giggles to herself and while considering whether or not to jump right then and there, Tarzan teeters into the water and beats her to it. Jugs muscles it out for another turn of the wench and then does her requisite "Oopsie, I'm out." And this is where I float a theory: Jugs is throwing challenges to appear weak. There was a comment she made about how Sabrina might be purposely trying to appear weak which made me go "Aha! Only someone with that plan themselves would accuse another person of the very same thing."

Continuing on with the challenge, we're down to Kat, Handlebar, ChaCha, and Prunes. Prunes plops into the water by quitting and now it's down to three. ChaCha, bless her heart, tries to hang on for as long as she can, but eventually gives up because her finger hurts her. It's the best performance we've seen from ChaCha so far, but I think she could have lasted longer. Maybe it dawned on her that she wasn't in the firing line. Who knows. With Handlebar and Kat as our final two, Kat is desperate to win just for appearances sake. It really bothers her that the American public might look at her in a negative light. *Bbbbrpppppt* Who farted? Kaaaaat! In the end, Handlebar has far too much testosterone to beat and... HANDLEBAR WINS IMMUNITY!!!

(I love this picture)
Kat wilts into a pile of simple syrup when Handlebar swims up next to her and asks for a high five. Kat's lower lip does the answering with a resounding "No!" and, in Kat's defense, I don't blame her. If you just beat me in a competition that lasted well over an hour, don't come up to me twirling your mustache asking for love. Get out of my face and let me mourn my loss and get drunk like any normal civilized person would do!

Back at camp, Kat is horrified she just lost a challenge to an ancient 28 year old. 28 year olds have osteoporosis and can only eat soft foods. They don't win challenges on Survivor! What the hell. Oh well, at least she has a blindside to look forward to. You see, Sabrina has no idea that she's going home. PLUS, blindsides are awe-some! Awesome! *tinkle*

Jugs and Kat set the Sabrina plan in stone, but just at Kat is walking away, a giant breast pops out of the sky and whacks Jugs on the head. Hold up! "Why am I getting rid of Sabrina when she sucks in challenges? I should be getting rid of Kat!" With her new busty plan under her rack, Jugs pitches it to Handlebar who promptly replies with a solid "No." Jugs pleads her case some more saying she wants an easy win and doesn't want Kat overstaying her welcome like Troyzan did. Just then, Sabrina saunters up and before Handlebar can even inhale, Jugs whispers "Kat. Let's get out Kat." Now, if I were Handlebar and Jugs usurped me like she did just then, home girl would be back in the barrio before she knew what hit her. Jugs is super sneaky - which, don't get me wrong, I like - but Handlebar should know better then to let Jugs start calling all the shots.

Even though Jugs is pushing for Kat to go, Handlebar still wants to go forward with the Sabrina plan. She thinks she has all of the votes necessary with herself and Prunes being swing votes. I don't know how you can call yourself a swing vote when you're telling everyone else how to vote, but whatever. The only hiccup it seems is Prunes. Righteous Prunes. Pious "Go kill yourself" Prunes. Once again she's on her "so and so doesn't deserve to be here" train and I'm beyond over it. Look, you're all boring asshats giving us the worst season in Survivor history so stuff your "deserving" crap up your ass and just play the damn game!

Plop! Here we are at Tribal Council. Dimples wants to talk about how sad Kat was last week when Handlebar didn't take her on the Reward. Kat whips a beer bong out of her shorts and hollers, "I just wanna get drunk baby! Holla! Wut wut!" I guess if you think about it, Sung probably shouldn't drink too much anyways with his new kidney and alcohol would probably loosen the glue holding Terrie's tummy tuck together so... yeah, Kat made a perfectly reasonable decision on that Reward.

Hall Monitor Sabrina agrees that probably Kat wanted to have a good time, but maybe she'll regret that decision later. Kat, in the middle of a keg stand, shouts, "I'm 22!" and then she dribbled some beer out of her nose. Stuffy grumpy Prunes sits with her arms crossed over her lopsided boobs and sneers, "I hate it when she uses her age as an excuse." Prunes, come here a sec, I want to whisper something to you... "Go. Get. Laid."

Kat looks around herself and asks, "Is this whole Tribal Council about me? I would've stayed back at camp if I had known this was what we'd talking about." Dimples asks Tarzan what he thinks about all of this and Tarzan, unlike Sabrina and Prunes, is totally fine with Kat wanting to party with the girls. It doesn't upset him when cookie dough makes a decision to be sweet, when ice cream decides to swirl with fudge. You can't expect that just because you're in the jungle a candy cane will change it's stripes.

Turning to today's challenge, Jugs reveals how shocked she was at how well Kat did in the Immunity Challenge which is weird considering she just won the Reward Challenge. To my knowledge, Kat has been a pretty even competitor all along. She's doesn't suck like Sabrina, but she's not a powerhouse like Handlebar. Furthermore, Jugs is also surprised at how mad Kat was at Handlebar after the challenge. Kat insists she was mad at herself, not Handlebar, and I believe her. Girl Scout Sabrina interjects with, "But you wouldn't shake her hand!" What's with all these peripheral people jumping into everyone's business? Whether or not Kat shakes Handlebar's hand has nothing to do with you Sabrina. Have you noticed how Sabrina has no storyline of her own? She's always hitching rides on everyone else's plot.

And here is where Sabrina reveals that she probably won't even vote for the best player of the game. She'll vote for whoever hasn't pissed her off.  To any Survivor purist, this is horrifying to hear. We hate seeing votes thrown away as a result of a temper tantrum, but to Kat... it's delightful! She'd love to see someone lose by a blindside. Blindsides are exciting! People are always like "Doh! Me?" and that makes Kat laugh and laugh and laugh. Cool beans! Touche, whatever.

And with that, we vote.

Kat, wide eyed, looks around herself and asks, "Doh! Me?" Yes Kat, you. Kat is the 12th person voted out of Survivor One World. Personally, I wanted you to stay Kat. In fact, I wanted you to win. A bobble head season deserves a bobble head winner. Oh well, at least you went out on an exciting note. What fun! A blindside! Wait, why are you crying? Wasn't that fun and exciting?

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Should Sabrina have gone home instead? Is Jugs throwing challenges to appear weak? Was I right about Tarzan playing with the Phillip Sheppard Method? Does Prunes deserve to be squished into prune juice? Is it just me or are you so ready for this season to end? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!