Friday, September 21, 2012

Go Back To The Onion

One day, God was skipping rocks from the sandy beaches of Heaven. Shaking up land masses in His hands and then with a "Whee!" and a "Score!", God would unleash the mountainous orbs into the Pacific Ocean and smile contentedly to Himself as they landed and rolled into place. I don't know if you know this, but this is how the Philippines was created. A smattering, née a sprinkling, of islands scattered by happenstance. Some lush, some pointy, some scant, some round. This archipelago in the Pacific Ring Of Fire is one of Asia's most populous countries and just the other day one of the innocent specks of sprinkle (I think we call it a sprenkle) was invaded by a bunch of ruddy faced ne'er-do-well's. These precocious poppycocks will live together and fight together for the next 39 days. Some will fall on swords intentionally. Others... not so intentionally. One might trip on a tiny grain of sand with his big toe and simply impale himself on the sword for no other reason than, "Whoopsie!" Only one will emerge victorious though. Only one will deftly maneuver their way successfully through the hiccups and bumps along the road. The others will get lost in the jungle humming TV theme songs to themselves. Eventually, never to be heard from again. Welcome back, bitches. Let's recap, shall we?

With the music swelling behind us, we careen and snake our way through the sprenkles. We float up. We sink down. We tilt sideways and coast gloriously over water, over land, over sea, over trees, over strange new life forms, over...
*chicka chicka vroom* Huh? *vroom vroom vrooooooom* What sort of helicopter or fighter plane goes "vroom"? What kind of futuristic jet pack goes "vroom"?

*a speedboat whizzes across the screen with a beaming Dimples (Jeff Probst) waving from inside* What in the sam hell is that? I wanted an air entry! I wanted smoke and twirls and back handsprings on wings, but nooooo. "Hi folks, look at me drive my little boat. I'll be your Cruise Director. Rum punches on the Lido Deck at dusk! 39 days, 18 people, 1 survivor." *splish splash*

*stares angrily at screen and kicks glitter bowls over with foot* "Let's go meet my other little friends in their little boats. Last one to the marina is a rotten egg!"

Dimples whizzes off into the distance and we reluctantly follow him. I didn't get to snort my three opening lines this time because they were so horribly delivered so I'm a little annoyed right now, but he is wearing a button down shirt the color of infant baby eyeballs which, as we know, is my favorite shade of blue, so I will follow you Dimples. If you walkaway, walkaway, I will walkaway, walkaway... I will follow. I will follow you aboard the ramshackle ferry boat of paper dreams. I will follow you as you make the awaiting suckers squeal at your mere presence. "Welcome to Survivor!" *squee!*

Dimples flashes his pearly whites and gestures grandly to the 3 clumps of neophyte flesh around him, "What do you make of this? There are three tribes, not two." Jeff Kent replies, "It's a fly ball Dimples. It may hit the dugout or it may go in the outfield. I'll keep my eye on the third base coach to see if he waves me in. By the way, I'm a rancher in case anyone was wondering." Dimples then turns his attention to Roxy and asks her if she is aware of exactly how difficult Survivor is, of how much of a toll it can take on a person. Roxy replies, "Absolutely. There was this one guy who almost died in a challenge and he didn't want to leave the game at all." Dimples smiles quite pleased with himself, "Do you mean Russell Swan? Come on out Russell!" And *poof!*, Dimples tears a sheet off of a lump of something while tinkling his jazz hands all around himself.  There stands douchey Russell Swan. It was very Siegfried & Roy. Spirit fingers and all.  Speaking of fingers, "Do you remember Ole Melty Fingers? Come on out Michael!" *poof!* "And what about the guy with the hat who got the scurvy? Come on out Jonathan!" *poof!*

And there they stand. The Three Stooges: Dreads (Russell Swan), Melty (Michael Skupin), and Scurvy (Jonathan Penner).

Dreads will head the blue tribe called Matsing. For the purposes of this blog, Matsing will now be known as Messing. Kind of like Debra Messing, but not really. Messing consists of Dreads, Malcolm, Denise, Roxy, Angie, and Zane.

Melty will join the yellow tribe called Tandang. We, however, will be calling them Fandango. Fandango consists of Melty, Blair (Lisa), Abi-Maria, RC, Artis, and Pete.

Scurvy will head up the red tribe called Kalabaw, but here at the Bitchy Survivor Blog, we'll call them KrabKlaw. KrabKlaw consists of Scurvy, Dawson, Jeff Kent, Katie, Dana, and Jell-O Pop (Carter).

New readers might find the new names confusing, but trust me... give it a few weeks and you'll be calling these people their fake names for the rest of their lives. More will evolve naturally with the show. Slowly and gingerly they will emerge. The fun part is that every year you guys get to name one yourself. Who will that lucky Survivor be? Stay tuned.

So, Messing, Fandango, and KrabKlaw all embrace their fellow tribemates. "How dee do?", "How are your fingers?", "You take the good, you take the bad..." It's a symphony of questions and groans. The newbies are pretending to be in awe of the vets while the vets are shaking their dreads like peacock feathers. Strut, strut, strut they go.

Dimples suddenly interrupts the merriment and tells our new tribes that they have 60 seconds to ransack their ferry boat and gather up some supplies. Also, Hidden Immunity Idols are back in play. Survivors ready, go!

Abi-Maria lunges for a bunch of wrapped up twigs while Scurvy starts throwing live chickens overboard one by one. Dana grabs a rope three times her size while Melty spends all of his time untying tiny knots on a wicker basket with his prosthetic fingers. Meanwhile, Dreads stands on the bow shouting commands before falling backwards on his ass and into a pile coconuts. Dimples giggles to himself before telling the tribes they better hurry up and unleash their rafts. Malcolm kicks his raft overboard while Katie kicks her raft, a smattering of sharpened bamboo spears, and Jeff Kent into the water all at the same time. A wayward spear stabs Jeff Kent in the knee as he slides lifeless into the water followed by a clucking chicken. The mayhem of the scene is punctuated with juxtaposition. Above water it's chaos in it's purest form, but under the water... it is beauty. It is stillness. It is calm. Just for a second. Tiny green fruity orbs lazily float and fill the sea. Nourishing pearls, if you will, glisten and slip away.

The scene ends with our intrepid tribes rowing off into the distance. One tribe, KrabKlaw, sees that one of their rowers, Jeff Kent, has his leg wrapped around his neck. Melty asks, "Is it broken?" Jeff Kent replies, "I heard something pop like a fly ball, but it didn't sound like a homerun to me. It's fine. The ump is calling 'safe!' I think it was a piece of bamboo that cracked." And there you have it. Jeff Kent will be fine.

Over on Messing, the castaways are finally pulling up to their beach. Dreads pushes everyone aside as he runs ahead and makes himself a little stage out of conch shells and debris. Standing atop his makeshift soapbox, Dreads just wants to assure everyone that there are no leaders here. "No one is in charge. I've done that leader thing before. *yuk yuk yuk* Roxy, shhh! Angie, put that down! Seriously though, let's be a team. Let's all work together. Malcolm, don't you dare start building yet! But, you know, I'm not here to be a leader. I'm just playing the game too. Now, if you'll look at these plans I've drawn up for the shelter, I'll assign you your jobs and we can get started."

The building begins and micro manager Dreads is all up in everyone's grill. He tells Roxy how to chop wood, Angie where to stand, and Zane where to find the methylamine. Malcolm, meanwhile,  stands quietly in the background, the observant stallion that he is, and whispers to Angie that they'll just go ahead and let Dreads think he is in charge for now. They'll make him happy today and then they'll figure out what they want to do with him tomorrow. Ooooh Malcolm. Hot. That patience will serve you well in this game. Plus, you're kind of sexy... which serves me well in this game. Badum bum!

Eventually Dreads decides that it is time to make fire. What he doesn't realize in that the resident hotty Malcolm has lived in the jungles of Micronesia teaching orphan blind children how to make fire (or something like that) with nothing but their wits and sense of smell. Dreads replies, "Oh! Ok! Then I'll just go ahead and make the fire then." Malcolm gathers up all the supplies for Dreads and with gentle whispers guides Dreads into making some heat. "You have to be gentle. Go slow. Yeah, yeah... like that. You got it. Come on!" *fans self* With Malcolm's expert coaching, Dreads eventually makes fire and, of course, takes all of the credit. This pleases Malcolm because if Dreads thinks he is in charge then Malcolm can continue to quietly pull the puppet strings unnoticed.

Meanwhile, over on KrabKlaw, the red tribe is just now discovering their new home. Dawson dances a herky jerky tarantella of sorts in celebration while Jeff Kent drags his body, using only his arms, up the shore. He is determined not to let anyone know that he is hurt. Wincing in pain and trying to untie his leg from behind his neck, Jeff Kent weakly claps for Dawson as she continues dancing. While the rest of KrabKlaw carry watermelons and supplies off the boat, Jeff Kent gets smacked with another wave of nausea and lightheadedness. He wanders off into the brush to try to regain his composure when Scurvy surprises him and brings him back to camp. Now, I've heard some not so nice things about Jeff Kent, but I've got to hand it to him, he does well hiding the pain and trudging onward. The poor guy has a knee for an ear now so, sure, I'm sympathetic.

Scurvy, however, is feeling no pain at all. As a matter of fact, he is feeling perfect. Tearful and moved and perfect. He's back on Survivor and the guy couldn't be happier. In fact, he's so happy that he'll go out for a lazy afternoon swim. Ahhh, so relaxing.

With Scurvy occupied, Jeff Kent limps and drags his cronies into the trees."Hurry! Hurry! He's gone. Do we want a veteran to win or do we want one of us to win? No vets, no vets, no vets, no batter batter, sa-wing batter! He can't hit, he can't hit, he can't hit, sa-wiiiing batter!" suggests Jeff Kent. Elfin punk rock pixie Dana likes this idea very much. Jell-O Pop, well, I don't know what Jell-O Pop thinks. He has red jeans on though. That's something. I guess. Now all of the KrabKlaws have to do is follow through and get Scurvy out. Good plan!

Over on yet another beach, amidst giggles and splashes, we finally see Fandango disembarking their raft. Blair is bustling around staying busy hoping no one recognizes her - although that one time she called Pete "Tootie" was odd - while Shakira (Abi-Maria) and RC prance off alone to chat. These two opposites become fast friends and instantly decide to be in an alliance together. Shakira is fun loving and spunky while RC is quick thinking and sneaky. For now, I like this duo, but I don't for one second think it will last. RC is crafty, but so much so to the point that she's doing that thing where she lies about her occupation. In reality, she's an Investment Banker who can hail cabs in the rain in 6 inch heels. I'm not sure why, but she thinks that her tribemates might find this to be very threatening.

And then, of course, there is the problem that RC actually wants to work with Melty. As someone who hates vets clogging up her shows, I do not like this part of RC's plan at all. Shakira, on the other hand, wants to pull Pete into their alliance. And do you know how she'll pull him in? With her Brazilian booty, baby! *glitter falls from the sky* Her plan to ass mesmerize is already working because Pete can't take his eyes off his her plus he thinks she wants him. Plain face plasticine Pete would like to use babe Shakira to his advantage. In fact, he "wants to do some damage" with her. I'm not sure if he's talking about her ass or the game. I guess we'll find out down the road.

Anyhow, Pete is quickly recruited by the girls and now RC just needs to pull in Melty and they'll have their four. RC wastes no time as she takes a walk with Melty and tells him they want him in their alliance. Open-mouthed and wide-eyed, Melty nods and is all like, "Ok. Sounds good!" I think he is more shocked that the youngsters have already started playing the game more than anything else. His only strategy when he arrived was to "go with the game" so, what the hell? He'll go with RC, Shakira, and Plastic Pete.

Back at KrabKlaw it seems like Jeff Kent is feeling much better. He's warning the girls about scorpions and revealing small things about himself, "We got scorpions all the time back at home plate. Uh, that's what I call my ranch in Texas - Home Plate." Elfin fairy sprite Dana hears the word "Texas" and feels a kinship with Jeff Kent immediately. She's a southern gal looking for some southern mischief makers to join her cause. And since she can't find any other fairies, elves, gnomes, or wood nymphs to bond with here on the island, she'll instead work the southern angle and maybe this Jeff Kent character and she can work together.

Sticking with Jeff Kent, he starts to reveal more about his ranch Home Plate and how he likes to watch Survivor back in the Locker Room - that is what he calls his living room. The rest of the tribe thinks it is very weird to watch Survivor in a room called Locker Room on a ranch called Home Plate. Jeff Kent then attempts to hide his baseball secret by telling everyone that he does Motorcross and sells motorbikes or something like that. Dawson isn't buying it though. Not for one second is she buying his big ole bag of b.s.. You see, Dawson says she has a friend who tied her to a chair and forced her to watch baseball, but I'm not sure I'm believing that either. Dawson knows all of Jeff Kent's stats, how long he played, and how much money he has. I think Dawson is her own secret friend which is fine by me. Hey, I'm just glad someone knows who he is because now it can come out and maybe, or maybe not, cause some drama. For the meantime though, Dawson will keep the baseball secret to herself and reveal it when the information might be valuable.

Over at Fandango, Blair, like Jeff Kent, is working hard to keep her identity very close to her chest. Quite frankly, I can't believe only Melty has recognized her. He's way older than me and I know who she is! Facts Of Life is one of those shows that even if you weren't old enough to see it when it first aired, you still know about it. Like The Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch was over and done with before I was born but I still know every episode by heart. How does a girl go through life not knowing who Mrs. Garrett is? Or hearing about Edna's Edibles? Come on!

Blair decides that good old fashioned hard work will not only keep her secret, but get her farther in the game. The problem is that RC doesn't like how Blair keeps separating herself from everyone. She tells Melty that she doesn't trust how Blair doesn't hang out with them. She thinks Blair is incredibly smart and should absolutely not be underestimated. As a fan of Facts Of Life, this worries Melty. He pulls Blair aside and reveals that he knows exactly who she is. Blair's lips go thin and that fiery Warner anger flashes behind her eyes. Melty tells Blair that maybe she should tell the others. Maybe it will help her bond with them. Blair narrows her eyes back at him and hisses, "No!" *bites fist*

Back at Messing, let's get to know Zane a little bit. Resident sex therapist Denise has taken an interest in the young lad and his backstory. Like me, Denise loves herself a spunky redneck who probably eats roadkill for dinner. She sees the fascinating illustrated story covering Zane's body in the form of tattoos and perhaps, if she delves deeper, she can help him find that elusive g-spot so many men think is fictitious. Zane appreciates Denise's enthusiasm (and advice!). In fact, he'd like to have an alliance with her. As an alliance will allow Denise plenty of time to find out if Zane is indeed a Kinsey-3, she says yes.

Encouraged by his new friendship with Denise, Zane decides to form some more partnerships and work these people with his junkyard magic charm. He reels in Roxy and Angie quickly enough, but it is when he approaches the men that things get a little strange. He suggests an all male alliance with Dreads and Malcolm and right away Dreads is excited and onboard. But then, Zane tells them that he already has alliances with all the women so if ever they need to pull someone else in, he's got this. *scratches head* Zane is unfortunately making the classic rookie mistake of playing too hard too fast. Plus, he's a big mouth! In his mind though, he thinks he's a superstar. Silly silly Zane.

Peeking back over at Fandango, Melty isn't comfortable with the level of progress they've made so far. They still don't have fire or water and he feels like he needs to take hold of the leadership. As a matter of fact, he'll take hold of this leadership right now. Right here. By this blade. Ouch! A machete is a lovely symbol for leadership and whatnot, but you probably don't want to grab it by the blade, Melty. Melty releases his death grip from the machete and heads into the trees to... OUCH!... poke his eye out with a branch. So now, with blood running down his arm and his free hand covering a gaping eye socket, Melty makes his way to the beach to rinse off and... OUCH!... trip over a pebble. RC,  Pete, and Artis watch the one eyed, one armed, one legged man hobble around the camp and they simply shake their heads back and forth in disgust. That whole hand melting thing back in the Outback makes a lot more sense now. The guy is a hot mess.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! Each tribe will divide into pairs. The first pair will be tied together as they race into the jungle up a cargo net where they will release two paddles. The second pair will then race to a boat and paddle out to release an underwater chest of puzzle pieces. Once back onshore, the third pair will take over and piece the puzzle together. The first and second tribes to finish will win Immunity while the losing third tribe will go to Tribal Council. The first tribe to finish also wins a complete fire making kit. The second will get flint. The third, bubkis - even though they'll get fire at Tribal.

Dimples, in a striking greeny-teal-aqua blouse, tells the tribes to go ahead and strategize. I don't know if this is a new thing this season or just a one off, but I like it! We see the Messing Tribe huddle up while Dreads tells everyone to shut their traps. He's not the leader or anything, but he'll decide who does what. Dreads tells them he is a physical person and is horrible at puzzles. Angie nods and agrees, "Me too." Dreads replies, "Ok then Angie, you do the puzzle." Angie squenches her forehead and tries to object, but Dreads simply places one finger over her mouth and tells her to shut her pie hole. Roxy immediately gives Dreads the side eye with a little bit of "Bitch, please!" It doesn't matter. Dreads doesn't want to hear it, but, you know, he's not the leader or anything.

Survivors ready, go! The first pairs (Dreads/Zane, Artis/RC, Dana/Katie) burst forth and head into the jungle. Artis/RC emerge from the trees first with Dreads/Zane not too far behind them. However, there's a tiny problem. Zane is plum tuckered out. Whew doggie! This running... *gasp*... and moving... *gasp*... and breathing... *gasp*... is a little too much for Zaney Boy as Dreads literally drags him with the cord tethering them together.

The paddles are then passed on to the paddlers (Melty/Pete, Malcolm/Denise, Jeff/Carter) with Melty/Pete in a huge lead. Malcolm/Denise aren't too far behind, but Jeff/Carter are major slackers. The giant gust of wind blowing everyone to the right doesn't help. Meanwhile, back onshore, it's nappy time for one Mr. Zane.

The paddlers begin to make their way back and now the entire tribe helps get the enormous chests up onto the beach. Once they've maneuvered the chests, clearly full of the body parts of past fallen Survivors, the puzzlers (Roxy/Angie, Shakira/Blair, Dawson/Scurvy) take over and attempt to build their giant towers. It is a close race between KrabKlaw and Fandango while those Messing gals are having a hell of a time trying to get piece two on top of piece one. In a tight finish with only seconds separating them, KRABKLAW WINS FIRST IMMUNITY!!! Fandango wins second immunity! Messing, you'll be going to Tribal Council.

Dimples turns to those sad clowns on Messing and asks them what the hell just happened. Dreads says he made an executive decision, but he's not the leader or anything. He made a choice and the good news is that there is always a next time. Dimples spits some rum punch in Dreads' face and sticks the tiny paper umbrella in his hair, "There's only a next time for five of you dumb ass!" Dreads stands stoic. Silent. Stupid.

Back at camp, Dreads does that non leader thing where he gives a rousing speech of everything everyone already knows to be true. "Survivor is hard. It is extremely hard. Especially the challenges. I've played before. Now you know." Um, thanks? Dreads isn't done though. He has more pearls of wisdom to bestow on everyone. Like, did you know that.. "I'm gonna stop you right there, Dreads." Oh, what's this? Zane is interrupting. "You gotta pull the fire outta yo stomach. My legs were crampin'. I can't run! I love how powerful this game is, but I deserve to go home now." Come again? Zane! You ignorant slut. Dreads was doing a bang up job sending his own ass home and here you come trundling in with your Frankenstein tat offering to leave the game. *smacks self in head*

Here is where it gets weirder - Zane actually does not want to go home. He thinks this little display of him sacrificing himself on the altar is what will make the entire tribe "king" him and keep him around. Now, I don't pretend to understand redneck logic. Sure, I love a toothless person rocking on their front porch with a rifle and a skinned squirrel in their lap, but I've never pretended to truly understand it. There's a certain bravado and arrogance that comes with being so gloriously unsophisticated that I simply don't have. I wish I did though. I wish I had the ability to have no idea whatsoever of what the world around me thought. Wouldn't that be nice? To be ignorant to the point of complete and utter freedom. To smile a toothless grin and think you're the shit. Just imagine!

Naturally, all of this is heaven sent on a platter to Dreads. He nods his head understandingly and does that shoulder cock eyebrow raise thing when he approaches Roxy and Angie who are both trying to scurry away from him, "Well, welcome to Survivor. It's going to be Zane tonight." Angie has had about enough of Dreads' faux "I'm not a leader" spiel. She tells Zane he can't leave. He has to stay. That meany Dreads doesn't make her laugh like Zane does. Malcolm approaches Zane as well and says he'll go ahead and send Zane home if he wants to go, but the game can still go a number of different ways. In that charmingly nutty "I once dated my cousin" way about him, Zane tells us that Malcolm has just begged him to stay. In fact, no one but Zane has ever played like this EVER! "You ain't never seen a move like this in Survivor history!"

And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples is back in his baby eye blue and I'm dying to know if he'll be the same curmudgeonly Dimples we had last year. That Dimples was such a little smart ass bitch and I kind of dug him.

We begin with Denise. Dimples asks her what she thought of the vets returning and Denise admits that she was disappointed at first because she wanted to play a pure game. Yes! I agree. I am forever bitching about returning players screwing up the naturally organic game play. Pure, organic, tomato, tomahto. Denise is no dummy though. She's wisely adds, for Dreads' benefit, that it is such a help to have someone around who knows the lay of the land and how to survive.

Dimples continues with this line of thought and turns to Zane for further insight. What does Zane think about returning players? On the one hand, they are helpful, but on the other hand, they are better players. What say you, Zane? Zane replies, "Off the top man! It's like a onion. The more layers you peel back, the more you start to cry."

And then we get this look from Dimples and my heart sort of melts. Look at him all quizzical and sassy at the same time. His little bracelet hands one on top of the other. Aww Dimples. Zane continues jabbering on and he starts to talk about his nerves, but Dimples interrupts him, "Wait, wait, wait, go back to the onion." Go. Back. To. The. Onion. I think that deserves a dunk *dunks right breast into chilled pink glitter bowl*

Zane, bless him, tries to explain the onion metaphor, but it's as rickety and flimsy as his cabin on the side of the hill. One little gentle breeze blows through it and it shakes for days.

We move on and, of course, Dreads has to have his say. He admits that today he blew it and that instead of playing 2.0, he went back to 1.0. Dreads says he is once again making the mistake of being a dictator. Malcolm agrees wholeheartedly and says that Dreads definitely came out of the gate way too strong. Roxy nods her head and shouts an, "Hallelujah!" as well. In her case though, she has a military background and she was always taught to obey authority which is why she just went along with Dreads' douchey ideas. Angie nods excitedly and agrees. She ran track in high school and told Dreads that she wasn't good at puzzles yet he wouldn't let her run and made her work on a puzzle.

As for Dreads, he takes it all. He nods. He agrees. He is telling everyone exactly what they want to hear and I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I can't stand this guy. Seriously. I disliked him on his first season and I dislike him even more now. There is a distinct "I'm better than you" vibe coupled with a "Watch me dance, aren't I so charming" vibe that makes me kind of crazy. Plus, I won't lie. The voice. The voice! It's high because he doesn't have the balls to man up and make it low. I guarantee if he stopped pretending all the time, his balls and his voice would drop. Time to vote!

I vote out Dreads. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to vote and neither are you. Unfortunately, we are saying goodbye to Zane as he is the first person voted out of Survivor: Philippines. On the one hand, I sort of get it as Zane is a buffoon and the challenges will only get harder from here. But on the other hand, WHYYYY?!? Why did you get rid of my redneck so soon?! Why did you keep a vet?! Dummies.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are there any early favorites standing out for you? Will Blair manage to keep her secret? Would you like Malcolm to whisper in your ear as he teaches you how to make a fire? What body part will Melty lose first? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Super special bitchy thanks to that Aussie bitch Rob Beasley who kindly lets me steal his photos every season. All Survivor photos in this blog are from the Survivor Seasons Facebook Group.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Zane: The Redneck

Last one! *flings off top* This is Zane and he has a tattoo on his neck. Zane was the first Survivor to accept my friend request on Facebook, but I sent him a message and he never replied so... the hell with him! Just kidding. I have no idea what Grand Master Zane is all about yet, but he looks fun, doesn't he? He looks like he should be at the top of a building with an assault rifle shooting ducklings at a neighboring park. Sweet.

Oh Christ. His inspiration is the Lord. Roxy was exempt, but Zane is not! This 28 year old tire repair person (???) loves Jesus, but hates ice cream sprinkles. We're both from the Commonwealth of Virginia, but I actually like ice cream sprinkles. I especially like them floating at the top of my tumbler of gin while I throw darts at my Jesus dartboard. Zane, like Roxy, says he identifies most with Lil Hantz and if we thought Lil Hantz was crazy, we ain't never seen nothin' yet. Oh joy.

Zane has chosen to compete on Survivor because he wants to own his own tow truck. He plans to get everyone in his tribe to work for him and he says he'll win because he has the "gift of gab". He can talk to both Presidents and crackheads. What a gifted fellow.

I was told I'd enjoy this one so... please to enjoy with me:

*pushes pause immediately* Oh. My. God. Oh my god! What did he just say? No, for real. I couldn't understand a word of that. He's ah-mazing. *presses play again* Bless him. No wonder he never wrote me back. He was too busy down the holler gettin' water from the well so them hounds could drink sumthin' wit their supper. You know how much I love a redneck. Especially when you can't understand a word they say and they teach me about things like "cat heads". I just know his old lady smokes 3 packs a day and cooks meth out back in the shed. I may not care for Jesus as much Zane does, but I can admit when I've been given a blessing. Thank you God.

So, what do you think of Zane? You want to shoot things with him and have squirrel for dinner, don't you?

That's it for me until tomorrow. I'm protesting returning Survivors by refusing to write about them because I'm a rebel and I stand for something. Also, I'm just really really lazy. The recap will be up LATE tomorrow, but it will be up. Be sure you friend me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter. I'll update as soon as the blog is ready. Take care bitches!

Roxy: Christian Warrior

Our last lady of the bunch is Roxanne Morris, but you can call her "Roxy". Roxy is a 28 year old from Brooklyn, NY and she is Very Very religious. Capital 'V' religioso. How religious is she, you ask. She is a seminary student who identifies with Lil Hantz because of his daily walk with Christ. Now, as you know, dear readers, I give a little love nudge to Survivors who contact me pre-premiere. Wouldn't you know it? Roxy has FB messaged me. It was simple and polite and she's very enthusiastic so I am biting my tongue so hard right now. The religious stuff really turns me off, but, then again, Lil Hantz was great material so I will choose to give Roxy the benefit of the doubt. Just this once!

Of course, Roxy's inspiration is Jesus Christ and she would love to bring her Bible with her on the island. *tongue starts to bleed* Once, she found a rock in the Valley of Elah where David slayed Goliath so she's going to stick it in her bikini bottom and bring that with her too. *bites off end of tongue* If Roxy wins the money, she'll donate some to her church and then travel the world with her own ministry. Look, I could never do that. In a million years I could never do that so good for you Roxy. You're a much nicer person than I'll ever be. I'd probably spend the money on liquor, lingerie, and maybe one of those sex swings so, you know, that tells you how pious I am.

Let us pray. Please to enjoy:

You know what? She's spunky. She's confident and well spoken. Honest to God (whoops, am I allowed to say that?), she's likable at first glance. Clearly, she'll be a wealth of material which is always a good thing. I just hope that we don't get another "Kneel! Kneel! Pray!" thing going on after every challenge. Godspeed Roxy. Amen.

So, what do you guys think of Roxy? How much are those sex swings anyways? Comment it out bitches!

RC: The Love Saint

And now we'll meet another lady friend. This is Roberta "RC" Saint-Amour. Saint-Amour? The love saint? It just keeps getting better, doesn't it. OK, so "RC", the love saint, is a 27 year old Investment Banker from New York. She went to Wellesley which means she's smart and was probably an extra in that movie Mona Lisa Smile. She loves her mom, hates annoying people, and thinks that there has been no one like her on Survivor in the past 85 seasons. I'll be the judge of that, missy.

Her bio is nothing fascinating - especially after those two troublemakers we just met - but we'll trundle through it anyways. RC thinks she'll be a physical force to be reckoned with because she won some hoop rolling contest in college and likes to swim. Yes, just like in Mona Lisa Smile. Remember when they rolled the hoops and Marcia Gay Harden freaked out because they dunked the girl in the water? I guess that girl was RC, the love saint. *shrugs shoulders* Nonetheless! RC is very proud of her accomplishments and thinks she has the perfect combination of traits to win the game and take home the million. Again, I'll be the judge of that.

Let's see what this love saint is all about. Please to enjoy:

Type A, poised, confident... eh. I'm just kind of eh. Eh, she's ok. Eh, she's not awful. Eh, she's not great. Eh. I like that she's smart and could quite possibly be crafty. I'll tell you, I'll like her a hell of a lot more if she gets rid of that pound cake Angie for me.

So, what do you guys think of RC? Is she another one of those "wait and see" people? Comment it out bitches!

Pete: Makes Beatz

Apparently, it's raining men today because next up is Peter "Pete" Yurkowski. Pete is 24 years old and comes to us from the garden state of New Jersey. He's an Engineering Graduate, but he's going to put that degree on the back burner and hit the bars instead to meet some girls. Like, for real. I am so not making this up. He also plans on spending time in the gym and working on his "beats". His beats. *pauses and looks around* His beats? I don't even... what do I... did he really... ummm.

Pete is a pretty picky guy and, like yours truly, has a laundry list of things he won't stand for. For example, Pete doesn't give a fig about meat heads, girls who wear tiaras to bars on their birthday, ditsy girls, people who are happy all the time, people who beat around the bush, architecture that isn't structurally sound, escalators, bad ideas, and traffic circles. You know what drives me batty, Pete? Guys who say they're going to work on their "beats" and then write "PETE'S BEATZ" on a bunch of blank CD's to hand out to their friends. I will, however, agree with you on that happy people thing. There's nothing worse than a happy person sparkling all over your day. *fist bump*

When I dive deeper into Pete's control freaky world, I discover that he too - like Malcolm - plans to play Survivor like our friend Lucifer (Russell). Did I just get another villain dropped in my lap? Hot. Pete wants to be the Alpha Male of the group and thinks puppet mastery is just peachy keen. I think he should mud wrestle with Malcolm for the Alpha title, don't you?

I'm dying to see Pete in action. Please to enjoy:

*pushes pause* "I'm a model by occupation." Hang on a sec. *wipes Malcolm glitter off nipples and sets up Pete's bowls* He is SUCH a douche, but I am so desperate for a cocky asshole that I am kind of ready to embrace him. Plus, it's a bonus that he thinks he's been Sybil throughout his life. I counted about 37 personalities he listed off. How many did you count? I'll just give Pete a teeny dunk for now. In the meantime, I'll write "PETE'S BEATZ" on these glitter bowls and keep them chilled until I need them later.

So, what do you guys think of Pete? Will you be jamming to his BEATZ? Comment it out bitches!

Malcolm: The Stallion

Today we begin with Malcolm Freberg. Malcolm is 25 years old and likes to wear headbands and bracelets. If ever bored we could totally play "Where's Waldo?" with him because of his charmingly striped royal blue shorts.

Continuing on, Malcolm comes to us from Hermosa Beach, California and he does the Lord's work. That's right. He's a bartender. (Gin please, barkeep) Malcolm describes himself as "charming, brilliant, and cocky" and cites OJ Simpson as his inspiration in life. *tiptoes slowly away from the bar* 

Oh, it gets better. Malcolm says he'll play Survivor like our dear Lucifer (Russell) did. He intends to run the game from day one and rule with an iron fist. I wonder if that iron fist fits inside of the glove... If it doesn't fit, you must acquit. Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we've got ourselves a villain. Yes!

Roll that beautiful bean footage. Please to enjoy:

Hellllooooo Malcolm! This isn't a pony before our eyes. This is a stallion. He's neighing away trying to break out of his barn and kicking up hay in every direction. Settle Malcolm, settle. Come, let me brush your mane. And bring another gin fizzy with you please.

So, Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm... I'm not going to lie, kids. I'm beaming a little bit right now. I've dunked and redunked. Glitter tits! THIS is who we need on these CBS shows. I want arrogant assholes all around me. I want to wade in a sea of cockiness and attitude. And as far as I'm concerned, more people should refer to themselves as sociopathic. Hallelujah! *glitter falls from the sky*

So, what do you guys think of Malcolm? Is he the answer to our villainous prayers? Comment it out bitches!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Lisa: Blair Warner

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have.... Blair Warner, bitches! Blair m*tha f*cking Warner! (I used asterisks because I know she's a devout Christian and I don't want to offend her) When I was a wee speck of the magnificent woman you see before you now, I wanted to be Blair Warner. Blair was where my world began and ended. Hey, little kids become obsessed with things and, other than Barbies and roller skating, Blair was my obsession.

From the first moment I watched Facts Of Life, I was captivated by the lovely Miss Lisa Whelchel. Back then, I only knew her as "Blair" (which is how I'll be referring to her all season long in my recaps) and in my young impressionable eyes, she was perfect. She was beautiful, rich, popular, and she went to, what I thought was, the coolest school in the world - Eastland. Naturally, I begged my mother to let me go to an all girls private school too. She probably thought her precocious child was pining for an excellent education and sound religious training, but no... I just wanted to be like Blair Warner and wear a uniform. And wear uniforms I did... year in and year out. All the way up until I graduated high school. Thanks Blair.

So, now that you know a little about my weirdo childhood obsession, it should be no surprise to you that I will obviously be rooting for Lisa Whelchel. How could I not?! I know she's Christian and I know she's pretty passionate about it, but she's still Blair Warner. I gotta give my girl some respect.

No more rambling. Let's get to it. Lisa is 49 years old and currently lives in Dallas, Texas with her husband and three children. She admires and respects Oprah and wanted to be on Survivor because she's a huge fan of the show. Plus, she wanted to meet the lovely and fetching Dimples (Jeff Probst). Who doesn't? She doesn't care for people who judge others *looks around the room innocently* and insists that she was BORN to play Survivor. She plans on approaching the game by looking at the big picture and then assessing what steps she needs to take to accomplish her goals and get the job done. She also thinks Jo is a grease monkey and probably hates the shoes you're wearing right now. Awesome.

Tootie, cue up that video! Please to enjoy:

Will you look at those delicious "to the sky" eyebrows? I have a new fondness for lethal looking eyebrows thanks to that crazy loon called Danielle over on Big Brother 14. Bad Botox and all, I still love you Lisa. I am definitely looking forward to the scene when everyone looks at each other and elbows one another in the ribs going, "Is that Blair Warner? OMG that's Blair Warner!" I hope they don't hold it against her and keep her around for at least a few weeks. Look, I have no disillusions about her success in the game. She may not last very long, but that's OK. It's just fun to see Blair again in a new environment. She's not going to be a villain and I never expected her to be one. I can see her playing more a motherly role - especially to the younger girls. Oh Christ (sorry Lisa), I really hope those pageant idiots don't look to Lisa for guidance and align with her. Of course, knowing my luck and how nothing ever goes my way on these shows, she'll be besties with Angie and Katie and my understanding of good and evil, hot and cold, and up and down will be shot to hell.

So, what do you guys think of Lisa/Blair? Were you fans of Facts Of Life? Will you die of happiness if she says at any point in time, to her alliance, "I just had another one of my brilliant ideas"? Comment it out bitches!

Katie: Honey Bore Bore

Next we will be meeting 22 year old Katie Hanson from Delaware. Katie lists her occupation as "Former Miss Delaware" and I'm struggling to figure out exactly what that means. Does she sit in a car with an empty tank of gas and wave to no one now? Does she loiter outside of closed Piggy Wiggly's? Does she spend her days and nights hot glue gunning the loose rhinestones back onto her tiaras? I pride myself on being a somewhat smart whipper snapper, but I can't for the life of me figure out how "Former Miss Delaware" is an occupation. What all of this means, of course, is that Katie is yet another pageant girl (see Angie for pageant girl numero uno) on this brand spanking new season of Survivor.

Unless you're a pageant girl named Honey Boo Boo, I'm kind of not interested in you. I don't know. Is it just me or are you guys over the whole pageant bitches on reality shows "thing"? I have no problem with the casting of pretty girls. As a matter of fact, I quite like it. I'd much rather watch someone hot than someone with a face like a trout, but isn't there another resource we can pull from rather than the pageant circuit? How about strip clubs instead? I'd love a cast of strippers!

Alright so let's learn what we can about Katie. Her inspiration in life is Alice Wells. You're probably asking yourself, "Who the hell is Alice Wells?" Well, Alice was the first female police officer in the nation. *stares blankly* She paved the way for other females in the police force. *blinks* And that's why I don't like pageant girls. They give rehearsed preplanned stock answers like "Alice Wells". If this chick says she's playing Survivor for "world peace", we are really going to have a problem here.

Reading more on, Katie doesn't like bitchy conceited girls at all and those are the girls she loves to beat in pageants. She also likes to run, work out, and travel. Finally, when asked why she wanted to be on Survivor, Katie replied, "To meet the guy of my dreams!" *places hot poker gingerly on crackling fire*

Oh, I can't wait to see this. Please to enjoy:

Alright, to her credit, I understand the Alice Wells thing now. And kudos to her for wanting to be a state trooper. I can step up and admit when I'm wrong. My apologies Katie. Another one of my favorite gals, Nina Acosta (Survivor: One World), was a police officer and she's a freaking hysterical bad ass. Maybe Katie isn't as bad as I thought... *presses play again*

Nope. I was right. I hit the nail on the head. She came SO close to having me do a complete 180, but she lost me with her plan to "lay back" and let other people do the talking. Why would I ever want to watch someone sit around and let others play the game? Stop casting people like this PLEASE! Is it so much to ask for 18 boisterous Type A go-getters? FFS, give me the casting tapes and I'll do it. You people (CBS casting people) clearly can't be trusted anymore. And did Katie just say, "I'm beautiful"? *stabs self in eye with hot poker*

Alright, so what do we think of Katie? Is she going to be another one of those that slips through to the end by being invisible? Comment it out bitches!

Jeff: Foul Ball

Next up is Jeff Kent. I have no idea who he is, but apparently he's some big baseball guy who played for the major leagues. Whoop-dee-doo. No offense Jeff, but baseball is like the most boring sport ever. I won't hold it against you though. At least not until I see your video.

Anyhow, Jeff is 44 and hails from Austin, Texas. He is a family man and prides himself on being able to provide his wife and kids with every opportunity they could ever want. Jeff also dislikes stupid people and wouldn't mind taking an iPod with him so he can listen to John Fogerty on repeat and pump himself up for the challenges.

When asked to compare himself to another Survivor, Jeff says he is most like Colby Donaldson because of that whole "southern charm" thing. More importantly, Jeff thinks Survivor will be "easy". Hitting balls for years while scratching himself on the field and spitting brown goop in the dirt has prepared him to not only inspire, but manipulate his fellow Survivors. He looks at the game of Survivor as one giant locker room. Could we perhaps have our first true villain? Let us see. Please to enjoy:

He does that baseball half talking/half whispering baseball thing that creeps me out and gives me the baseball heebie jeebies. I was hoping for another Spike (Marty), but baseball Jeff sounds more like a used car salesman to me - which is fitting since he says he owns some baseball car dealerships. Baseball. Speaking of baseball, that little baseball secret of his won't be a secret for very long. It's not that anyone will baseball recognize him or anything. It is just that he'll baseball announce it to everyone in about 2.5 baseball seconds that he has indeed played baseball on a baseball team at baseball fields while wearing baseball clothes and hitting baseball balls. 

I'm baseball bored by baseball Jeff. What do you guys think? Is Jeff a legitimate threat or a baseball bonehead? Comment it out bitches!

Denise: Smooth Operator

Dim the lights, my bitches. Put on some smooth jazz and light the candles next to the tub. This is 41 year old Denise and do you know what she does for a living? She's a sex therapist. Oh yeah! I don't really know what a sex therapist does, but I can only assume it involves having sex on a daily basis with couples in trouble. She probably says a lot of things like, "Watch me do this! Do you see what happens when I do that? Don't stick that there, stick it here. Yes, help yourself to the nipple clamps. Don't be shy." *quickly googles online sex therapy schools*

Denise doesn't care for lazy people and hopes Survivor will be kind enough to give her a sturdy jog bra so her "40 year old ta-ta's" aren't dangling out. Other than a chesticle support mechanism, Denise would also like to bring a photo of her husband and daughter with her. In addition to being a devoted mother and wife, Denise prides herself on being able to engage with people quickly like she does on a daily basis whenever a client walks through her door. To be fair, you have to engage with someone quickly when they walk into your office with their pants around their ankles and they say, "Teach me."

Let's see if Denise is the smooth operator - coast to coast, L.A. to Chicago - I so want her to be. Please to enjoy:

She's personable and, my god, look at her arms. This chick has no need for a machete. All she needs to do is bash two coconuts together with sheer bicep power and - voila! - they're open. I'm also getting the distinct feeling that Dr. Denise won't take any shit from the young'un's. Smart, tough, no nonsense - I could like her if she doesn't suffer fools gladly and kicks the guys asses in the competitions. And if she makes that wretched Angie cry, we all win! I'm not seeing a lot of drama potential here though, but she could definitely be a force to be reckoned with physically. And if she gives some late night campfire "This is where your G spot is" lessons, then she could be my favorite Survivor ever!

So, what do you think of Denise? Will she thrive socially or be the camp work horse? And is there really such a thing as having too many riding crops? Comment it out bitches!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Dawson: Decidedly Undecided

Let's meet our next lovely contestant called Dawson. Her real name is Sarah Dawson, but she goes by 'Dawson' kind of like how Private Benjamin went by 'Benjamin' instead of Judy. But I digress. Dawson is 28 years old, from Silver Spring, MD, and works in Insurance Sales. Here's the thing, when I was looking up the new Survivor cast on Facebook, I found something very interesting on Dawson's page. She calls Jeff Probst by his Christian name - DIMPLES! I invented Dimples. At least I think I did. I've been calling him that for years in this here little bloggy blog. So the question remains, does Dawson read my blog? Could she be the first Survivor to go on the show knowing she'll be getting a nickname at some point? The possibility makes my nipples hard.

Dawson says her personal claim to fame was getting her once towed car returned to her for free. As someone who just recently talked herself out of a speeding ticket, I tell you from personal experience that this is indeed a handy ability to have. Reading more about Dawson we discover that she doesn't care for disrespectful men and thinks sarcasm should qualify as a legitimate hobby. She once made someone cry while playing Cranium and would like to see a hot guy chef on her tribe. Wouldn't we all? I haven't had someone curl my toes on Survivor since Pretty Pony (Matt). Remember the pony? Remember how he frolicked in his meadow of baby's breath and daisies?

Let's see what Dawson is like in person. Please to enjoy:

Umm. Hmm. I can't decide if I love her or hate her. There something about the way she clenches the corners of her mouth that make me think of that horrible Janelle (Big Brother) yet she freely admits that she sometimes doesn't know what month it is. I'm so torn! She's not shy or boring which are plus signs, but she smiles all the time and I can't trust a person who smiles all the time. Creepy cult people smile all the time. Medicated people smile all the time. Phony people smile all the time. I could take her more seriously if she gave us a "Bitch please" face or something. Maybe a roll of the eye or a sneer. A cock of the head or a furrow of the brow. You know, like the faces I make all the time. I'll give you a "Bitch please" and won't think twice about it. And that makes me very trustworthy. ;-)

I am officially on the fence with this one. I'm straddling it evenly on both sides. Dawson is a definite "wait and see" for me. But I do think when we finally get to see her in action, I will firmly be on one side or the other. Either I'll completely love her or violently hate her. There's no middle of the road with this one.

So, what do you guys think of Dawson? Are you writhing around while straddling the fence too? Comment it out bitches!

UPDATE: Dawson has just confirmed to me that she has read the blog before. So cool! I love that and now I love her. No more straddling the fence - even though it was fun while I was up there. 

Dana: Elfin Pixie

Next up is 32 year old Cosmetologist Dana Lambert. Dana comes to us from the great state of North Carolina and she looks like an elfin pixie. As I am partial to anything mystical, magical, tiny, and able to poop glitter, I like Dana already. Dana is an outdoorsy gal who can not only camp like the Brady's, but dabbles in home renovation. She may look petite, but you should see her when she has a sledgehammer in her hand and is screaming, "Tear down that wall!" Positively frightening, I tell you.

If there is one item Dana would like to bring with her on the island, it is a pair of tweezers. She fears her brows will grow together into a lovely plush headband. Personally, I'd like to see that for the chuckles alone. Plus, I think we all remember the tweezing of the armpits montage we were all privy to that one season. *shudders* Anyhow, Dana says she is most like Boston Rob and, like our Latina friend Abi-Maria, she wants to play Survivor for the money. *cha-ching!*

Let's see if she talks like a wind chime tinkling on the breeze. *fingers crossed* Please to enjoy:

Oh. My. God. Look at those giant eyes. She's too precious for words! I just pressed pause because not only is she an elfin pixie personified, but she said "nekkid" and I'm cracking up right now. The accent, the suspenders, the whimsical talking out of the side of her mouth... Dana is a spiky gift from above. The juxtaposition of the tough southern no nonsense gal against the saucer eyes and delicate frame is pure magic. I'm especially pleased to hear that she's an alpha female. We need more leaders than followers in Survivor so don't let me down Dana!

Dana is another Survivor who has touched base with me so, naturally, we like her already. She's looking forward to reading the blog and I just know she smells like jasmine and lollipops. I wonder where she hides her wings when she wears tank tops like that...

So, what do we think of Dana? With her home renovation skills, will she rub the men the wrong way when building the shelter? Or will she deliver a fetchingly lovely Antebellum manor with an outdoor koi pond and manicured gardens? Comment it out bitches!

Carter: Narcoleptic Parrot

This is Carter. Carter is 24 years old and stars in Amy Heckerling movies. He was once married to Madonna, but that was tumultuous and short-lived. He then hooked up with the "Run Forrest, run" chick from Forrest Gump, but he cheated on her all the time and became a Haitian or something.

When Carter isn't busy hanging out with Eddie Vedder and banging twenty-something starlets, he coaches track and lives to motivate and inspire people. He likes to express himself using exclamation points which is a little unnerving! I know I do it too! But I do it out of exasperation! I do it with panache! Not like, I can't wait to play Survivor for the glory! I love my dad! That guy is a champ! My mom would dominate this game! I hate lazy people! Hey bud, let's party!

Oh Carter. Already, I can picture his voice in my head. It's slightly nasal and it wants another bong hit. Let's see if I'm right. Please to enjoy:

What a meek little Jell-o mold. He's wilting and the pineapple chunks are oozing out. *yawn* What a bore! (that was definitely an exclamation point of exasperation right there) Who casts Survivor? I want to have a word with that mental midget. How did this guy make it past a pre-interview? I mean, come on! (that one is bordering on anger) THIS is who you choose to take up a space on one of my favorite shows. A narcoleptic parrot with douche hair? Oh ffs! (that one punched a hole in the wall and got a bloody hand)

So, what do we think of... WAKE UP! No snoring when you read my blogs. Wake the hell up people. What do we think of Carter? Comment it out bitches and a have a great.... *snore*

Artis: The Guardian

Today we meet the first male of the bunch. This is 53 year old Computer Engineer Artis Silvester and he hails from the great state of Louisiana. Artis has beat Stage 4 cancer and longingly pines for his ex-wife hoping they'll get back together. Ummm *looks around the room* that's a little awkward in my coffee that I didn't expect. *fidgets with a pillow tassel until the awkward passes*

Let's see what else we can find out about Artis that isn't so cringe worthy and weird. Oh look, he believes in angels. *flutter flutter* Artis believes that he has a guardian angel looking over him. Artis himself is definitely no angel, but he says his guardian angel is a total angel. Angelic and whatnot. He's excited to actually be in the game this time around because he is sick of sitting at home on the couch yelling at the screen. You know what, Artis? Me too!

Other than talking to angels and sending his ex-wife boxes of festering dying flowers, Artis says that he is a master manipulator, explosive, and has the uncanny ability of staying calm in stressful situations. I'm not sure how that explosive part goes hand in hand with the calm part, but hey... let's give Artis the benefit of the doubt. Besides, he has a velveteen poppet of his ex-wife to finish sewing together. To the video!

Please to enjoy:

Ohhh Artis. You are delicious. You are a delicious heavily earringed ball of unpredictability. I see a little bit of the Phillip Sheppard in you in that you create computer programs for the government. Is Jason Bourne one of your operatives. Say yes! Say yes! I believe you now when you say that you are explosive. And I want you to explode all over that camp, do you hear me? I want temper. I want arms flailing. I want bark and shell figurines of all the female competitors. Don't let me down Artis. You can do this!

So, what do we think of Artis? Will he have the staying power of Phillip Sheppard? Will his earrings get caught in the tree mail? Comment it out bitches!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Angie: Such As

Next up on our journey to the Philippines is 20 year old Angie Layton from Utah. Angie is a pageant girl who has won all sorts of fascinating ribbons and bows and rhinestones from various Miss Teen USA pageants. She is incredibly cute, but she's 20 and you know how I feel about underage contestants on Survivor. I don't like them! I don't condone them. I don't want to watch them. I'm not interested in them. And I just can't take a person seriously until they can legally buy their weekly rations of 14 bottles of wine at the corner liquor store from the one-eyed guy named Joe who blasts Skynyrd every time you walk in the door. 

The youngest of five children, Angie likes to work out, scrapbook, and hang out with her "peeps". Since the only other reality show scrapbooker I know is named Danielle and is about to unleash a bucket of pig's blood into the Big Brother house, Angie now has two strikes against her. One for being a child and the second for using card stock to commemorate the many grocery store openings she's attended. Oh wait, I forgot about "peeps". Strike three!

The Survivor contestant Angie compares herself to is Fabio because she thinks all dumb blondes are underestimated. *crickets* She hopes to meet lots of "hotties" on the show and is like totally bummed that she can't bring a camera with her to document her "journey" for her scrapbook. *stares blankly*

Alright, let's just get this over with. Please to enjoy:

Just kidding. Here's the real video (which is remarkably similar to the one you just saw!)

She looks like she's 12. Come on Survivor! The poor girl can't even remember where to put her consonants let alone know what the word "strategy" means. She says she "agreed to do Survivor" (that's code for recruitment) yet she says she's always wanted to do it. You know what? It's pageant fluff. "Experience", "journey", "once in a lifetime" fluff. She's a very pretty girl and I think the male fans are going to absolutely love her, but I'm not expecting anything remarkable out of this chick at all. She'll find someone to follow and call the shots for her - most likely an older male - and it'll probably get her pretty far in the game. Maybe she'll surprise me and be a vindictive villain, but I'm not holding my breath.

So, what do we think of Angie? Does the underage thing bug you as much as it does me? Comment it out bitches!

Abi-Maria: Hot Tamale

Pssst. I'm baaaaack. Did you miss me? Grab your goblets of gin, your bowls of glitter, and settle in because we've got 218 cast bios to get through and time's a wasting! I'll do a few everyday right up until the premiere this Wednesday on CBS. My first recap will go up Thursday as will all recaps from here on out. Be sure to follow me on Twitter and friend me on Facebook for updates whenever I make a new blog post. Plus, if this year is anything like last year, I'll get some more death threats from girls named Prunes (Chelsea) and it'll be sassy hijinks for all involved. So, are you ready? Let's do this!

(Her "official" Survivor photo doesn't really do her justice. This one that I stole off of her Facebook page is much cuter.)

First up is 32 year old Abi-Maria Gomes. Abi-Maria comes to us from Los Angeles, but has dual citizenship in the United States and Brazil. Naturally, I assume she comes from Ipanema, wears a feather headdress to church, and struts to the samba beat in her heart like all hot Brazilians do. In her bio, Abi-Maria describes herself as driven, creative, and as charming as Parvati. As someone who is a fan of the manipulative flirty sex game, Abi-Maria could be the fierce bitch I've been pining for season in and season out. I'm tired of these girls who yawn their way through to the finals after spending night after night cowering under baseball caps and crying over their prune fingers. We need some heat. We need some fire. We need some salsa goddammit!

Another thing I like about Abi-Maria is that she has no qualms or hesitation telling us that she is in the game of Survivor purely for the money. No fluffy, "I'm in it for the experience and to meet new people" out of this chick. She wants that cash and she'll strut up and down the beach in her beaded Carnival costumes in order to get it. Finally, someone I can respect!

Alright, let's check out her video and see if she's the jingly temptress I want her to be. Please to enjoy:

Trouble with a capital 'T'. Senorita Abi-Maria may say she'll lay low and play the underdog, but there is no way in hell this little spitfire is going to let anyone walk all over her. Anyone who can call themselves humble in one breath and then tell us in the next that everyone will be impressed by simply watching her strut by is my kind of gal! I'm not saying she'll win the million dollars, but I think she could definitely be fun to watch. Plus, I have a soft spot for the blonde Latinas. Hot tempered and full of contradictions. A magical pairing. Like wine and cheese. Vicodin and smoothies. Gin and glitter.

As you know, I am always biased to any Survivors who contact me pre-season and Abi-Maria has already sent me a cute little note. She called me beautiful so, naturally, I think we're best friends now.  Let's see how long I stay on her good side because I can totally see her taking off her hoop earrings before scratching my eyeballs out while Shakira plays in the background.

So, what do you guys think of Abi-Maria? Do you think she'll be entertaining or mild with no jalapenos. Comment it out bitches!