Thursday, September 27, 2012

Booby Trap

In some parts of the world, the cookie is an underappreciated commodity. Specifically, Filipino sprenkle parts of the world where the islands lay smug in their artsy haphazardness. But in other parts of the world - like Utah, or Pleasantville, or wherever pageant girls grow like weeds - the cookie is a beacon of hope. An idol. An icon. A totem. Crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside, the cookie itself could almost personify the very weed shoving it into her mouth. Crispy, firm, nubile, and young to the random passerby. Yet mushy, squishy, molten, and sugary when, let's say, a pathologist cuts her open and lets her guts leak out all over an autopsy table. The chocolate chips may clack dumbly onto the floor. *clack clack clack* A stray walnut chunk might lie lodged in that part of the brain where dopamine should flow freely, but doesn't. Instead, we'll find vanilla extract with a hint of molasses. Look behind her jelly liver and you may see brazil nuts, cranberries, oatmeal, or peanut butter. Where a heart should be, a marshmallow. Pancreas filled with sprinkles. Ovaries that shoot out M&M's once a month. Cookie inside, cookie outside. A cookie to be crowned and placed on a pedestal. Look to the cookie, my friends. Let's recap, shall we?

Darkness has fallen over at Messing (Matsing) as plush clouds roll lazily by only giving us peeks of that all knowing moon. Little glimpses. Little teases. While Dreads (Russell) thanks his tribe for keeping him over that banjo player Zane, Cookie (Angie) looks to the sky and through squinty eyes gazes at the tempting moon. Tonight it glows amber like the flame of a candle. Glowing, peering, teasing, taunting, that moon, in it's fullness, is potent and ripe. Suddenly, a chill slices through the air as cloud after cloud begins to cover and mask the flirtatious and sensual moon. With a sigh, Cookie wraps her arms around herself and ducks into the shelter seeking a little heat. A little body heat. *dims the lights and puts on some smooth jazz* 

Inside the tiny rickety shelter made of birch twigs and twine, Cookie finds Malcolm looking a little lonely, looking a little like he wants an ass newton to fall right into his hands. Inspired by the moon, the long lost moon, Cookie backs her booty up *beep beep beep* and drops it off for our stallion Malcolm to sign for and accept. Malcolm knew coming into this game that there was a chance he could become Booty Blind. And I don't know if you know this, but booty blindness, after heart disease, is the number one killer amongst men. Symptoms range from canoodling to groping to dry humping on creaky bamboo slats.

While Cookie may be reaping the rewards of stage one booty blindness, Roxy, on the other hand, is not. Roxy knows that stage one will eventually lead to stage two (nipple tweaking, stallion riding, cookie dipping) and so on, etc. The symptoms will only grow stronger and stronger over time especially if untreated with lots and lots of baseball statistics (*paging Jeff Kent*). Plus, having a romantic couple like that in the game is a huge threat. Roxy gruffly puts her foot down, "One of them needs to go. Period." I agree, Roxy. Get that harlot away from my thoroughbred!

Over on Fandango (Tandang), the sun is up, but only barely. It, too, hides and taunts like Messing's moon. With a storm brewing and the winds gaining speed, everyone is fast at work climbing trees and gathering whatever fruit they can wrestle away from the monkey population. Resident OCD chatterbox, RC, is a bit of a worrywart so she busies herself scurrying over here and scurrying over there. She worries about Blair (Lisa), she worries about Shakira (Abi-Maria), she worries about food, and she worries about mold. Oddly enough though, she never worries about her ass eating her leopard bikini bottoms. You go girl. So while worrying about mold on the rice, RC peers into the rice sack only to discover a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. And since Shakira is her best good friend, RC shares the clue with her and the two swear on their bootiliciousness that they will keep the clue between themselves.

But what we need to realize with Shakira is that she is a fiery Latina. Her blood bleeds salsa and her hips rock samba. With all of that heat inside of her, it is only natural that it occasionally needs to be let out - usually in the form of a wild eyed hissy fit coupled with steam blowing out of both of her ears. As a half Latina myself, I may, once in a while, occasionally, on the off chance... alright, daily... need to bitch someone out with my hands on my hips. And this is precisely what Shakira does. She catches that motormouth RC chitchatting with Melty (Mike) and the chipotle within immediately starts to burble. Shakira declares, "If she screws me over. That's it! She's dead to me." *bites fist then sips margarita*

Under the glare of those enchilada eyes, RC insists that Melty is like a father to her. They're just friends. Cross her heart and hope to die. Shakira goes from enchilada to habanero (oh shit!) and quickly reprimands RC. "This is a game. It doesn't matter if you like Melty or not. These hips don't lie!" RC tries to splash some yogurt (for its cooling effects) on habanero Shaki and tell her that she's 100% loyal to her, but it's not working. Shakira leans over and that little hot tamale sizzles out, "If you f*ck me over, you're dead. DEAD!" *stands and applauds* My god, I love this girl.

Now, if we take a little trip over to that centerfield known as KrabKlaw (Kalabaw) we'll find Jeff Kent at batting practice. While swinging two bats at once, Jeff Kent is still concerned about his injured knee and how this rainy weather isn't making things any easier. But you know what? He's played baseball for 85 years. He knows how to confront a challenge and push through the pain. He's totally got this. The only good thing about the rainy weather is that Jeff Kent can lie supine with his knee elevated while wrapped in a massive black brace and no one will notice! They'll simply think he's chilling until the rains depart, but really the brace is holding his knee in place. Without it, that wiggedy whack knees tends to go all akimbo with a mind of its own.

It's a lazy day on the island and a lazy rainy day to boot so the kids come up with an idea to make a checker board. They'll draw it in the mud and use some pretty white rocks (pieces of Jeff Kent's patella) they found on the side of the shelter the other day. The only problem is that Scurvy (Jonathan) is feeling a little angsty and unsure of himself in the game. He really needs those hooligans and their twisted game of bones out of the shelter so he can look around for that Hidden Immunity Idol. As the rains quicken and the thatch roof begins to leak, Jeff Kent suggests they all go to a nearby cave to wait out the storm. Scurvy thinks it's a smashing idea and wastes no time nudging the rest of his tribe in the direction of the cave.

With everyone gone playing Bone Yahtzee, Scurvy quickly ransacks the shelter in search of the Hidden Immunity Idol. The clue itself mentioned that the Idol was somewhere under his nose so he searches under the bed, in the latrine, and behind the washing only to come up empty handed. Meanwhile, the kids in the cave are playing with their flint, but they have nothing to light on fire. The wood around them is wet, the leaves are wet, the fallen branches are wet. Even gangly mute Jell-O Pop (Carter) is wet. Dawson decides to head back to the shelter to see what she can find to set on fire. On her way back, she sees Scurvy crawling around whispering, "Idol, Idol, come out, come out, wherever you are."

"What are you looking for?"
"My lens. Uh, I lost my lens. I call it Idol. You know how Jeff Kent named his ranch Home Plate? Well, I name my lenses. That one over there is 'American' and the one I lost is 'Idol'."
"I love that show! Let me retweet this to all of my followers so they can see how fascinating I am."

Dawson eventually wanders off to hit her retweet button 18,000 times (Seriously Dawson, cut it out.) while a light bulb goes off over Scurvy's head. The clue said something about a nose and there just happens to be a nose on the rice container. Aha! And, wouldn't you know it? Scurvy finds the Hidden Immunity Idol under the bull's nose on the rice chest.

Another night passes, the stars zoom overhead, and as we head back over to Messing, we are treated to a strange black & white flashback reel. We'll call it a romantic interlude I guess. It is basically a short film called The Courtship Of Cookie & Malcolm. We see them eating funnel cakes at the state fair, making snow angels in the winter time, holding hands in a dewy meadow, signing the lease on a new apartment, sharing coconuts together, and doing the hibbedy dibbedy in the shelter while Roxy watches. The interlude ends with an artful shot of an open condom wrapper backlit by the moonlight. It's a gross film that I give two thumbs down. (I thought we had something special Malcolm!)

Roxy has had about enough of the squidgy nighttime noises coming from the make-out corner so she has made it her personal mission to get Cookie out of the game. Malcolm is much more useful (I agree. Shirtless Malcolm is very useful.) so Roxy needs to convince Dreads that Cookie should go home next. Happily, Dreads is already aware of the under the cover pokes and prods so he is extremely receptive to Roxy's plan. Don't get him wrong though - he doesn't blame Malcolm for trying to get a little slap and tickle especially since wherever you look Cookie's boobs are there staring back at you.

Meanwhile, back at Fandango, Shakira is hungry. *hides under bed* She'd kill for a french fry right now. *quietly moves dust ruffle in front of self* Blair sits and listens to the french fry threats in silence, but something is amiss. Something in the way the corners of her mouth are pointed downwards and how the sparkle is now gone from her eyes. It turns out that Blair is actually very shy in real life. Unless she's trading barbs with Jo Polniaczek in beautiful downtown Burbank, she feels a little out of her element. The idle meeping from her fellow tribespeople is foreign to her and makes her feel uncomfortable. Out of anxiety, Blair suddenly runs off into the trees in search of sanctuary. Immediately, RC rolls her eyes and announces, "She disappears too much." Melty or Jell-O Pop or someone chimes in, "She's looking for the Idol." No, you asshats. She's not looking for the Idol. She's looking for the Xanax tree that she heard was native to The Philippines. And if she can't find that, she's going to dig for some Klonopin root. Give the lady a break.

Back at Messing, another breakdown is about to take place. Everyone is soaking wet. The shelter is wet. The fire is wet. The ground is wet. Malcolm is wet. Hold on... back up... Malcolm is wet. He has undone his luscious locks and now he's going to sit on a rock and say things like, "I've never been this wet in my whole life." Shush Malcolm *places finger on his lips* You should be wet more often. *throws a pail of water in his face* There. That's not so bad. Now continue reading. Just, you know, do it with your hair down.

So, yeah, everyone is wet yet they are still working. Everyone, that is, except for Roxy. You see, Roxy is a religious sort of gal, which I detailed at great length in my pre-season bio of her, and she just assumed - being a seminary student - that faith would be enough to carry her through this game. You know, the white fluffy wings of faith that cradle a believer and glide them through all the bad times. They simply soar over tragedy and heartbreak on wings like Aladdin's carpet. Well, your wings have failed you in this godless heathen country called The Philippines, Roxy. Actually, I have no idea the religious beliefs of Filipinos, but they must be godless for Roxy not to be able to find God anywhere. I'll bet they use one of those invisible fences - only this invisible fence KEEPS GOD OUT. Mwahahaha!!! *a raven caws in distance*

Roxy tries as hard as she can to fight back the tears, but without God around holding a tissue for her (and Dreads at the same time screaming at her to go ahead and cry) the floodgates open and Roxy hiccups about missing her family, her friends, and her church. She stumbles out onto the beach with Denise holding a yellow legal pad taking notes behind her. We know how much Denise loves a good crazy person!

Eventually, the sun comes out. Dreads and Denise smile. Malcolm puts his hair back up (stop that!). And everyone seems pretty happy for the opportunity to dry off. Roxy, however, thinks that God has finally broken through that invisible fence. It may keep dogs in, but it can't keep God out. She whispers, "Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. You are just. Mekka lekka hi, mekka hiney ho." Meanwhile, Denise is furiously scribbling away and whipping page after page over in her legal pad. Be sure to look for Denise's new bestseller in bookstores this fall. It's called, "If Anyone Is Going To Win At This Game Called Life, It's Going To Be Me!" I love that godless heathen.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, two members of each tribe will pull a sled to retrieve a bundle of puzzle pieces. They will return to the start and another pair will head out. Once they have collected all the puzzle pieces, one tribe member will be the caller and will help two other members of their tribe to solve the puzzle. The first two tribes to complete the puzzle will win Immunity. But wait, there's more! The first tribe to finish will also win blankets, pillows, and a tarp. The second tribe to finish will just win a tarp. Since two tribes have too many people, the Fandango's sit out Shakira and the KrabKlaw's sit out Dawson.

Again, we get a little peek into the pre-challenge strategy which is very exciting to me because I'm hoping this becomes a regular thing. On KrabKlaw we see Jeff Kent assigning the outfielders and batters while on Fandango, it looks like Melty is the one calling the shots. Over in Messing's corner, Dreads is asking the former track star, Cookie, if she wants to run twice in today's challenge. "No, not really," she replies. Not really? Bitch, you bitched about not getting to run in the last challenge and here you have your chance to run your little heart out and you say no? *makes a 'W' with fingers* Dreads then turns to Roxy to see if she's up for some running today. "I've been drinking less water." *stares blankly* Useless. You two are USELESS.

Survivors ready, go! Our pairs are as follows: Jeff Kent/Jell-O Pop for KrabKlaw, Melty/Pete for Fandango, Dreads/Cookie for Messing. Jeff Kent and Jell-O Pop race out of the start and we immediately see that Jeff Kent wasn't lying about that "pushing through the pain" thing he was telling us about. Similarly, Melty and Pete are also doing very well. But over on Messing, it's a whole other story. Doughy dingbat Cookie stands staring as Dreads piles his puzzle pieces one on top of the other. This isn't Jenga, Dreads. You still need to get those puppies back to the start. Nevertheless, his pile gets higher while Cookie stands there fanning her doughy exterior. When Dreads is finally ready to take off with his pieces, what do you suppose happens?

Yup, Jenga!

Fandango and KrabKlaw make it back quickly while Cookie is having some issues.

The second pairs head out (Artis/RC, Katie/Scurvy, Malcolm/Roxy) only this time Malcolm, without Roxy's help, manages to make up for lost time closing the gap with the other teams. There is a little problem though when Malcolm passes off the sled to Dreads. Ropes, ropes, everywhere ropes! I don't know if Dreads invites calamity or if it just finds him naturally, but he somehow manages to get entangled in the ropes of the sled which gives the other tribes an even bigger lead. Meanwhile, Cookie is bouncing on her tippy toes perhaps thinking the breeze from her flapping breasts will blow the ropes from around Dreads' ankles. *shrugs shoulders*

We finally get to the puzzle part and there is lot of yelling and whatnot, but I'm not really interested in any of that. I'm more interested in why Cookie is hiding. I'm going to venture a guess and say that the sun is melting her chocolate chips. You see, those aren't really breasts at all. They're chocolate filled fun bags. The only problem is if you expose them to the heat for too long, they'll begin to melt and Malcolm won't want to squeeze them anymore.

The puzzle making continues with Pixie (Dana) trying to get a word in edgewise. The problem is that Pixie's voice is very lilting. It sort of tinkles on the wind rather than barrels through it. A yell from her sounds like lovely wind chime tinkling outside the window at 3pm on a fall afternoon. Conversely, Blair is calling for the Fandango's and... uh oh... we have a Cookie down. I repeat, we have a Cookie down.

I was afraid this was going to happen. Sugar and egg don't do well in the hot sun. It looks like she's starting to coagulate and I fear she's stuck to that beam. We're going to have to euthanize her. It's quick, humane, and it will stop the stickiness seeping out of her pores.

In the end, the two tribes with people who actually want to play the game win. FANDANGO FINISHES FIRST! Krabklaw finishes second! Messing, you've got another date with Dimples.

Once again, sipping a Mai Tai this time, Dimples turns to Dreads and asks him what the hell just happened. Dreads spits, "I'm PISSED off!" He's sick of the whiny brats on his tribe not wanting to do anything. Not only are there chocolate stains all over the shelter and crumbs everywhere, but one of them doesn't even speak English anymore. Instead she sits on the beach crying and shunning hydration in an effort to honor her God. Dreads shouts, "I'm sick of it!" Dimples sucks the juice from a piece of pineapple and replies, "Alright bitches, see ya tonight!" And with a shake of his hula skirt, he's out.

Back at Messing, Roxy quickly gets to work trying to get rid of Cookie. She tells Dreads, "It's a public embarrassment! She was passed out on the floor!" Dreads nods and agrees. He knows Roxy isn't much better than Cookie, but at least Roxy isn't doing the lambada with Malcolm in the wee hours of the morn. Plus, if Roxy sticks around, she'll always be a bigger target than Dreads. Meanwhile, Malcolm sits nearby listening to Roxy splash at the water with hands. He can only catch every other word but he heard something like this: "Boobs... leaking... have... mop... chocolate." Being that Malcolm is a Dartmouth man and a lover of Mad Libs, he quickly puts two and two together and warns Cookie that they might be in trouble. Cookie squenches up her face and offers up a jelly bean nipple to Malcolm. He takes it. *throws hands in air*

And this brings us to Tribal Council where Dimples sits in a stunning teal button down shirt. The snakes hiss from above and the music starts to thump. Dimples turns first to Dreads and asks him how he is feeling right now. Dreads replies and says it is intense right now. He says he didn't come here to dilly dally and be cute. And then he held up a poster board that said LIKE HER---> and pointed it at Cookie. Cookie rolls her caramel eyes and one got stuck so started to bang on her head to knock it back into place but rainbow sprinkles fell out of her ear instead.

Dimples then turns to Roxy and asks her to finish this sentence: If there is one thing I could change about this tribe it would be... Roxy then replies, "To work less!" *smacks self in head* Roxy continues, "It makes us too tired for challenges. Praise Jesus." Immediately, Denise disagrees and suggests that perhaps maybe having a warm fire to cook with or snuggle up next to might actually help them in the challenges. Plus, hasn't Roxy noticed the roach problem they have now that Cookie's boobs have started to melt?

Speaking of Cookie... Cookie, finish this sentence, if you could change one thing about this tribe...
Cookie pauses and looks around herself, "That we could... have cookies!" Malcolm, you run right now goddammit. Get away from her! You went to Dartmouth for chrissake. You can't be seen with this twit.

Let's see what Dimples thinks about all of this...

I think he may have just tinkled a little in his khakis. Look at him beaming with his hand on his hip just so. He's jaunty and sassy all at once. Whimsical, if you will.

Dimples then turns to Malcolm for a comment on the cookie remark. Oh this is going to be so good. He is SO going to tell that dimwit what's what. She is a sugar filled candy shell and he is a strapping hottie with a brain. I can't wait to hear what he says! *giggles and claps* "Well, you know, we are really hungry. I can understand the cookie response." *stares blankly and blinks a few times before scribbling over the MALCOLM 4EVER tattoo I was going to get on my inner thigh* Dimples' jaw hits the floor and once the shock wears off, he asks, "Wait, really? REALLY?! In a game for one million dollars?"

Bitches, I fear we have lost Malcolm to the Booby Trap. Let's hope he gnaws his own arm off before next week and frees himself so we get our original/evil/smart/villainous Malcolm back. I'll start gathering the hemlock, mugwort, and belladonna. You guys round up some virgins. We'll need at least eight to sacrifice if we're going to make this spell work. We will get Malcolm back. By goddess, we will.

Dimples turns to Roxy next and asks her about the relationships within the camp. Naturally, Roxy tattles to Dimples about the gyrating going on in the shelter at night between Cookie and Malcolm. She's annoyed that every time she settles in for nappy time the bamboo slabs, they start a'creakin'. Malcolm insists that there is really nothing going on. He is clearly just giving Cookie some breast examinations and doing a hip workout when he humps her under the covers like he does, but she's like a sister to him. Roxy blurts out, "Creepy!" Time to vote!

I don't know how and I'm not going to pretend to know why but today we are saying goodbye to Roxy as she is the second person voted out of Survivor Philippines. Roxy, girl, it wasn't your time. The Cookie should have crumbled, not you.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Can the Messing's ever win a challenge? Will Malcolm ever wake up? Who will Shakira go all jalapeno on next? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to those bitches Rob Beasley and Scott Hudson for the photos in today's blog!