Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Goon Squad

This week on The Walking Dead a slow death rattle jingle jangled over space and time. *a chicka chicka* Zombies, zombies, everywhere zombies. *a chicka chicka* Flee to Nebraska, flee to a farm, but flee you peasant peppercorns. If you stay on this island of lost souls, the blood will start to leak from your eyes as the cookies begin to tumble out of your mouths. Your innards will liquify and ooze thick burgundy molasses turning the powder white sand into a crunchy exfoliant. It is no longer safe here in The Philippines for you philistines. Gather up your trinkets and bobbles, your buttons and bows, your thimbles and pottery. Gather them, go. Load up your covered wagons and trot off into the blue crystalline waters that await you. Sometimes it is better to gurgle and burble than to sit around and this antediluvian wasteland. Look around yourselves you poor fops. Observe how your skin hangs and the cracks in your face deepen. Observe, witness, notice! The rattling will only get louder if you stay. *a chicka chicka* Let's recap, shall we?

We continue our tawdry tale like we often do, in the thick of night under a full moon. Those wrinkled paper bag Messing (Matsing) people are back from Tribal Council where things took an unexpected turn for the hilarious ("Cookies!"). Crinkled and scrunched, itchy and tired, the Messings look at one another desperately trying to lighten the mood. "Well, that was fun," someone burbles. "I can't wait to do that again," another crows. Cookie (Angie), however, is beginning to crumble from all of the pressure. That Roxy had it out for her! She just wanted to go out with a bang! *plop plop go some chocolate chips* Thankfully, though, where Cookie lives, the darkness never lasts all that long. Around the corner there is always a sprinkle or some frosting on the horizon. Yes, thankfully, everyone left trusts her. She and Malcolm may play "diddle the daddle" under the covers at night, but it's nothing for anyone to be threatened by. Their nocturnal fumbling is totally innocent. Meanwhile, Dreads (Russell) sits on a log mumbling about how right Roxy was. She preached the gospel at that there last Tribal Council when she outed Malcolm and Cookie as a couple. She preached and now he must act. He must get Denise on his side. Otherwise, he is dead. Dead!

Over at Fandango (Tandang), it is a new day. A new bootylicious day. RC and Shakira (Abi-Maria) are lying lazily in the sand gazing up at the sky. The blue cloudless sky might seem peaceful to some, but to Shakira it only brings the heat to the surface. That inner innate Latina fire. Sometimes the embers are simply sultry, but today... they're scorching. You see, Shakira was shaking her moneymaker the other day and she twisted her knee... twice! She is now worried that her Samba injury could get her voted out of the game. Plus, she just doesn't trust that RC with the clue anymore. As the embers within her begin to ignite, so does the paranoia, the questions, the assumptions. RC coos softly not wanting to fan the flames. She whispers, "You're not a liability." Oh hell no. Don't you know that when a girl who wears feathers to church is feeling less than plucky you're supposed to compliment not exacerbate? This is a lesson for all of you readers out there. If you dwell on the negative around a smoldering jalapeno popper, she'll shoot tomatillos out of her eyes and bite your head off. Don't try to understand it, just accept it.

And shoot tomatillos is exactly what Shakira does...
"You're not a liability."
"But that's how I feel!"
"Get out of my face!" 

*bites fist and giggles*

RC, shaken, runs into the water to rinse the salsa from her eyes while Shakira continues to get angrier and angrier. Well, if RC won't act the way Shakira wants her to act, then maybe Pete will. Shaki quickly seeks out Pete and tells him that RC found the clue for the Idol in the rice. Tall awkward Pete stands limply and scratches his head. For the most part, Pete is kind of like furniture. You know he's there, but he doesn't really add anything to the conversation. So imagine everyone's surprise when Pete tells us that he is, in fact, not a piece of furniture. He's a nanny cam! He is always watching, always observing, always on surveillance. Look on the mantel at the awkward clock staring back at you. That's Pete!

Over at KrabKlaw (Kalabaw), Scurvy's (Jonathan) ass hurts. His ass hurts and apparently it's contagious because everyone's ass hurts. Elfin Pixie (Dana) has a pain in her ass too so she lugs the rice container into the camp to sit on. But when she sits her tiny fairy rump on the rice chest she notices something is amiss. "Hey, what happened to that thing on top?" If you'll remember, last week Scurvy found the Idol underneath the ornate design atop the rice. But, hark, it is gone now and everyone notices.

Jeff Kent especially notices. He limps over to gangly fop Jell-O Pop (Carter) standing in his red jeans with one hand on his hip and tells Jell-O Pop that the thingy on the rice is gone. Jell-O Pop takes a long slow drag off of his Sobranie red cigarette (it matches his jeans!) and mutters, "It might be the Idol." *gasps and dribbles gin down chin* He speaks! Not only does Jell-O Pop speak, but he is somewhat of a wise sage. With his spiky hair and melancholy pout, the tribe dandy isn't a mute after all. He is just careful with his words. Like a poet perhaps. Over a chilled glass of Chablis, he likes to ponder instead of spew.

Hearing the Confucius gem leave Jell-O Pop's lips only makes Jeff Kent smile and laugh. Oh, it is not out of glee. I assure you. He smacks his fist angrily into his glove, turns to Dawson and asks, "How stupid are we?" The smile on Jeff Kent's face then turns to a thin line. A hard thin line of anger. He's pissed off! Not so much at Scurvy, but at the fact that he saw the emblem on the rice too yet did nothing about it. They all saw it. The only thing they can do now is blindside Scurvy before he figures out that everyone knows he has the Idol. Jell-O Pop shifts his weight and runs a hand through his hair, "Yeah. Easy. He won't see it coming." Then he blows out a long spiral of smoke and lowers a beret over one eye just so. Just. So.

Back at Messing, another wise sage we've already met stares down the shore. It is Denise. "Hey, where's that raft?" Doh! Someone forgot to tie up the raft last night. Dreads looks at the ground at his feet and thinks to himself, "I'm not the leader. That was Roxy's job." Malcolm stands and kicks the sand, "You've got to be kidding me!" And Cookie, well, who knows where Cookie is. I think she toppled over on the other side of the island and is having trouble digging her boobs out of the sand. *shrugs shoulders*

With Dreads pouting and Cookie missing, Denise and Malcolm finally have some time alone. Malcolm insists that he didn't cuddle with Cookie at all last night. Ok, fine, so maybe they dry humped and played hide the sausage, but no cuddling! Denise nods sympathetically, "You guys got pummeled last night." Malcolm twirls a lock of his hair and stares out at the sea. Seeing how forlorn he is, Denise reassures him of their alliance. She tells him that as long as nobody knows they are working together, they'll be fine. Malcolm nods and sighs. It's not easy being in the middle. Denise giggles, "Malcolm in the middle!" And then they fist pumped and gave each other head noogies. I love these two together. They are a quirky odd couple that makes me smile.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, Survivors will dive down to release a puzzle wheel attached to a line. Once they've collected all the puzzle wheels, they will use those wheels to solve a word puzzle. The first two tribes to finish are safe while the third place losers will head to Tribal Council. In addition, they are once again playing for Reward. The first place tribe will win a massive fishing kit with a canoe while the second place tribe will win a smaller fishing kit. Third place? You get nuthin'!

Since there are like 18 extra people, KrabKlaw and Fandango will need to sit some people out. Katie (who?) and Dawson will sit out for KrabKlaw while Shakira and Blair (Lisa) will sit out for Fandango. Survivors ready, go!

Cookie, Artis, and Pixie fly off the edge and into the water. Unfortunately for Cookie, silicone is buoyant and she floats right back to the top. Pixie and Artis, however, get their first puzzle pieces quickly as KrabKlaw and Fandango once again slide into an early lead. Pete and Jeff Kent dive in next while poor Cookie is still trying to get her head under the water. Boobs be damned! Those pesky orbs won't let her under long enough to loosen the puzzle that is only two feet deep.

Eventually, Cookie gets her piece, but is it too late? Dreads pushes her aside when she finally makes it back with her piece, but he's got Scurvy ahead of him and Melty (Michael) on his heels. Dreads dive is long and impressive while Melty belly flops face first. Scurvy gets his piece as does Dreads, but when Dreads swims back to deliver it to the fuming Denise and the pissed off Malcolm he encounters a little problem.


...sie! Whoopsie Daisy. All that muscle and the guy can't even pull himself out the water. How does that happen?!

While Dreads continues his pursuit, Melty emerges quickly only to be bleeding from the face. This is so Melty. Of course! Of course when he dives into the water the mask will shatter and he'll emerge looking like Oedipus. This sort of thing happens to Melty all the time. He is definitely no stranger to running into a sliding glass door or two. Nancy and Velma down at Urgent Care know him well. They're on a first name basis now and Melty can count on at least two fruitcakes a year around holiday time from the lovely nurses on duty.

The challenge continues with RC now in the water for Fandango. The thing is, she won't get out of the water! She just takes turn after turn after turn. Apparently, she swam the English Channel so clearly she knows what she's doing, but how is this fair? When were those rules announced? I don't recall Dimples telling them they could do that. If this is allowed then why doesn't Messing refuse to let Denise out of the water? Did you see her fly? Her little hard body soared like an eagle and then in 0.8 seconds she undid her puzzle piece and passes off to Malcolm.

(Look at how awesome Denise is standing. That's a "Bitch, please" hand if ever I saw one.)

Malcolm retrieves his piece quickly and while he's on his way back Denise is trying to organize who should go next. At home I shouted, "You Denise, you!" Instead, Denise asks Cookie if she's ready to go again, but Cookie topples backwards and off the other side of the platform. Nope, she's not ready to go again. *sigh* It looks like Dreads will have to go. *smacks self in head* Why didn't they pay attention to Dimples making a big fuss over RC going again and again and again?! I am convinced he was doing it for their benefit. Look, having Messing get down to 2 or 3 tribe members is going to SUCK for the upcoming challenges. The last thing Dimples wants is for them to keep losing.

Naturally, Dreads can't get his piece undone. I don't know what sort of speaking in tongues voodoun curse Roxy left behind, but it is working. Nothing seems to ever go right for the poor Messings. So while Dreads comes up empty handed, the other two tribes have already started on their puzzles.

Powerhouses Denise and Malcolm work furiously to catch up and we finally have all three tribes working on the puzzle. But it's too late. It is much much too late. Try if you must Messing, but you know how this is all about to end. KRABKLAW FINISHES IN FIRST PLACE!!! Fandango wins second place!

And Messing, back to Tribal Council for you.

Typically after a Challenge we visit the sad clowns on the losing tribe, but not this time. This time we get to see KrabKlaw discover their prize fishing kit and canoe.  Dawson, dressed like Scuba Steve, stands on the beach pleased, but Scurvy's face is covered with worry. With a furrowed brow and a gnawing in his gut, Scurvy worries that his tribe doesn't trust him. I wonder what gave him that idea. Could it have been Jeff Kent limping around bashing baseball bats into the sand? Was it Jello-Pop sneering and chain smoking from underneath his beret? Who knows what it was. The fact is that Scurvy got a whiff of something on the wind and now he's going to do something about it. Because when you get a sense that your entire tribe shouts "Off with his head!" behind your back, the first thing you do is tell Jeff Kent that you have the Idol.

I find myself saying this every season... stop telling people you have the Idol! Stop it, stop it, stop it. Anyhow, Scurvy tells Jeff Kent that he has the Idol, but he hopes they can work together from here on out. Jeff Kent is somewhat pleased with at least having the verification that the Idol has been found and he'll work on being nicer to Scurvy, but this is still a "Me game." It's the Jeff Kent game. Jeff Kent has to figure out what will serve him best in the game and, hey, I don't disagree with that. Having Scurvy in your back pocket might be handy if Dawson or Jell-O Pop get out of line. Like all men do, the lads seal the deal with a handshake. Only, this isn't your regular everyday five finger handshake. Oh no siree bob. This is the Jeff Kent four finger special handshake. When he squishes two of his fingers like so, they become one and that means that now he is allowed to lie. OK Jeff Kent, whatever you say.

Over at Fandango Melty has sopped up the blood leaking from his eyes with a sea sponge, but Artis is still pissed off. Melty was the one telling everyone not to dive in the water with the mask on yet what does Melty do? He dives into the water with the mask on. That's our Melty! *a jaunty tune plays in the background*

Since it is indeed a happy day at the Fandango homestead, the scruffy crumpets all decide to go digging for clams. Blair announces, "We'll have a clambake!" But Pete and Shakira have other ideas. While those grinning suckers are busy digging for clams (which you know will somehow end with Melty puncturing his pancreas and severing a toe), rootin' tootin' Shakira and that piece of bark Pete trot off on an Idol hunting adventure. Shakira digs three feet deep holes all over the beach while Pete pokes at trees with his big toe. *poke poke* Maybe, just maybe, an Idol will tumble out of the branches above if he pokes in just the right spot.

Shakira mumbles repeatedly to herself, "Under my nose, under my nose. It said it would be right under the nose." And then she remembers. She remembers! Last night when she was making beans and rice she noticed the thingy on the rice box. The nose thingy. Shakira then crawls out of one of the trenches she just dug and trips and stumbles hastily back to camp. Quickly, she rips a hunk of bamboo off the side of the shelter and jams it underneath the nose on the rice. "I found it! I found it!" she screams. Shhh Shakira. They'll hear you! "Oh my god, I found it!"

Naturally, this is how she celebrates. You go girl!

But we must leave this happy scene and check in on those trundling walking corpses over at Messing. Specifically, Malcolm. Oh Malcolm. Poor tragic hero Malcolm. The guy got dealt probably the shittiest hand ever in Survivor and now it has dawned on him just how screwed he is. Of all the tribes to ever get put on, he gets put with the Goon Squad. He's got a tiny whippet of a girl with enormous globes on her chest who can't get her upper body under the water and a huge guy built like an ox with no upper arm strength. Thankfully though, thankfully, he has Denise. That little munchkin of muscle Denise. She'll listen to your masturbation fantasies and dive farther than anyone else on the tribe. You can't beat that!

The two catch one another's eye on the beach and they do their secret hand signal. The one that tells the other to meet them in the woods in five. Once the two steal away, they look at each other and Denise says, "WTF! She couldn't even go down in two feet of water!" Malcolm nods in agreement. It's a symphony of sighs as the two try to figure out what their next move will be. Then, out of nowhere, a crunch can be heard, "I didn't quit! I would have gone again. I didn't quit!" Ugh, it's Cookie. In the land where a smile and a wave could win you a gig at a grocery store opening, refusing to go into the water again is not quitting. It's not! Unless she says the words, "I can't" she didn't quit. It's in the Pageant Handbook. You can look it up yourself. Oh, stick a cork in it Cookie. You are like the Queen of Quitters. If there was a pageant in Quitter Land for most quittable quitter, you would win hands down. Now wave to the audience and do your pageant cry face fanning thing because I know you want to.

While Cookie sniffles and swats at the boobs creeping up her chin, Dreads is all alone on the beach talking to God and rewriting history...

Dear God, Diving ten feet down just isn't my thing. Hallelujah. Are you trying to kill me again, God? Cuz you know I'll die for this game. I'll do it! I'm scared and frightened, but I'll do it. I'll do it for Sheryl Crow. I mean, Jim Crow. Wait, that's not right. I'll do it while standing on the shoulders of my ancestors as they traveled across the Middle Passage. I mean, I won't do it in a way that'll make 'em feel uncomfortable or anything like that, but I'll do it. I am down, but I am not out. If I don't fight, it's like spitting in the wind and having it hit my face. Or, wait, it's like those people. You know the people I'm talking about, right? The ones who endured things. Those people. It's like them spitting in my face if I lose. Or something. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

*dabs tears from corners of eyes*

And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples is back in his blue tonight. Only, it's a cornflower blue. Not really an infant baby eyeball blue. Fetching nonetheless. Tonight we will start with Denise. "Denise, what did you sacrifice to come here?" Denise replies, "My family, my income, my practice, my clients. I worry about my clients having sex with their furniture again. There's this one guy, Stanley, who has a penchant for Queen Anne and Shaker chairs. And then there's Gladys. Ohhh Gladys... a crazy loon of a lady who likes to spread peanut butter on her..." Dimples interrupts her, "OK OK, we get the picture."

Next we move onto Malcolm. Malcolm was a little scrap of a troublemaker when Survivor began and now, here he is, over a decade later and on a tribe doing this poorly. He's not an emotional guy but he wanted to cry back at the Challenge. He wanted to weep thick salty tears for the crapfest he has been dealt. It's heartbreaking. So very heartbreaking. So very very heartbreaking that you should come rest your head on my bosom, Malcolm. There, there. It'll be ok. Do you like pink glitter? I know you do. Here, watch. Dimples interrupts again, "OK OK, we get the picture." Damn you Dimples!

Cookie gets to go next and honestly she didn't quit. Honestly. She never said "I can't." She said, "No freaking way am I going back in that water! I'm not going again!" But she never said, "I can't." She wouldn't do that. She's not a quitter. And while covering up her Miss Quitter Universe crown with her hand, she turns her attention to Dreads and says, "He couldn't even get out of the water! But I didn't quit. I didn't. He did."

Dreads replies and says, "I didn't quit. I made a strategic decision to do what's best for the tribe and move on." I'll have to check my Pageant roster, but I think Dreads won Mr. Quitter World back in '87.

The quitter jibber jabber continues and things get heated between Dreads and Cookie. Cookie insists that she can fight harder in this game than Dreads which, of course, causes Dreads to scoff loudly. "I was willing to die for this game! You couldn't even handle two feet of water!" *giggles* You know that whole "almost dying" thing is something Dreads pulls out of his pocket whenever he can. "Oh really, your son got into Harvard? Congratulations Stella. You must be proud of your boy. Did you know I almost died on Survivor?" "Hey Bernard! How's it hanging? What's that? You say Wanda got that promotion she was trying for? Congratulations! Give her my love. You know I almost died on Survivor, right?" Now when Dreads walks into the mall or church, everyone looks the other way and pretends someone else far far away is calling their name.

*sniffle sniffle, sniffle sniffle* Oh Christ, what now? Are you crying, Cookie? Oh hush up. Dab your eyes with your boobs and hush up. "I feel this small right now." I. Don't. Care. Time to vote!

It is with great joy that we finally say goodbye to that vapid crispy Cookie who is the third person voted out of Survivor Philippines. Good. It was her time to go. Actually, last week was her time to go. Who knows how much better the Messings would have fared had Roxy stuck around.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? How long is a four fingered handshake good for? Will the Messings ever find their Idol? Is Pete nanny camming us all right now? Does Shakira make the best pico de gallo ever or what?! Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Rob Beasley for providing all of my beautiful photos today.