Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Weakest Link

In all of my worldly travels and harrowing channel surfing sojourns, I have never had the good fortune to stumble upon the land where the mud people roam. Until last night! Until last night I had never been privy to their strange customs and erotically slimy traditions. I had never before laid eyes on the statue garden or the humping machine they call "Denise." What a marvelous place to visit. What a delightful little hamlet to run out of gas in. One minute you're Sunday driving down back roads oohing and ahhing at the charming little run down antique shops with strange ceramic peeing cupids lining the courtyard and the next minute you take a wrong turn, run out of gas, and hike up the road apiece to stumble upon the annual Giant Ball Festival in Mudsville. Carrying your empty gas can you tiptoe gingerly into the fairgrounds hoping it's a friendly place, a place where someone will happily fill your can and give you a piece of apple pie for your troubles. It will be one of those stories you hang onto for life. One you tell the grandkids. "Remember that time, honey? That time we went antiquing for wall sconces and ended up in that charming town where we got our balls tickled and played with the humping machine. Oh, what was that machine called? Was it Deirdre? Deborah? Denise? Yes, that's it. Denise! She gave good hump, that Denise." Let's recap, shall we?

Our torrid tale continues under the cover of a starry night. A whirling swirling Van Gogh starry night where the sky seems to glitter and cloak all at the same time. While up in the heavens it is a mystical wonderland, down below, down here on land where the lemurs stare with wild eyes and know things that you don't, the KrabKlaws (Kalabaw) come trundling back into camp. They have just survived their first encounter with the famed Dimples and the shock of it all still hasn't worn off yet. The shock of the attack. The attack no one saw coming. The one that left everyone with their very own lemur eyes. Wide, unflinching, innocent, traumatized. Sadly, that is what happens when one witnesses a spider monkey woman pounce on an innocent leather bracelet wearing dandy. How could he have known! How could he have known that the monkey would devour him by firelight? In the darkness, Dr. Denise breaks the uncomfortable silence, "Let's make that our only time. Let's never do that again." The other KrabKlaws hug themselves trying to forget. Slowly they nod in unison. Yes, let's forget it ever happened.

A new day dawns and with it a new spirit to trudge onward, to fight. Katie and Denise sit on the lip of the shelter staring at the Manly Men frolicking in the surf. Denise has only been here at KrabKlaw for a whisper of a moment, but she has a sneaking suspicion that one of those Manly Men has the Hidden Immunity Idol. More specifically, she thinks Scurvy (Jonathan) has it. Katie nods her bobble head up and down. "We can't trust them," she contributes. Denise continues to stare seaward lost in her own thoughts while Katie formulates her own grand master flash plan to get rid of Scurvy this week. It is her only chance. It is all she has. Time to work some magic, Katie.

Over at Fandango (Tandang), the tribe has gathered around to stare at an empty pot. Everyone is tsk tsk tuttering about how they need to be rationing their rice better. Melty (Michael) nods with his tribe while at the same time reaching his hand behind his back into an almost empty burlap sack of rice. He quickly shoves a handful of dry rice into his mouth while simultaneously asking the tribe if they shouldn't make one last cup to give them strength before the upcoming challenge. As he speaks, little darts of dried rice poke Prickly Pete and Shakira (Abi-Maria) in the eyes. Prickly Pete angrily removes the grains from his cornea and mumbles to himself about how useless Melty is. Not only is Melty a walking disaster, but he keeps eating all of their rice! Melty thinks that since the human body is set to the precise temperature to boil water (212 degrees Fahrenheit), it is perfectly OK to eat the rice raw. Once the dried grain enters into the bubbling core of the human stomach, it'll turn into rice and be just like it was cooked in a pot. By the way, this theory also works for linguine, artichokes, and potatoes. Imagine how much time we've wasted cooking things when we've all got our very own induction tummy cookers.

Prickly Pete isn't the only one angry at Melty. That little firecracker Shakira has had about enough of Melty and his loco cooking theories. She suggests they skip breakfast today and save the little rice they have left for later. Melty shoves another handful into his mouth and protests, "But we need our strength!" This time the tiny rice missiles hit Artis right between his eyes. With earrings like a pirate and a sneer that could kill, Artis snorts that Melty is eating them out of house and home. How was that cat ever on Survivor before? He is a walking menace to society!

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, three members from each tribe will race to a large wicker ball. While you push the ball towards the goal, the other tribe will do anything they can to stop you. Each time you push the ball through your goal, you score a point for your tribe. The first tribe to score three goals wins. Wanna know what you're playing for? A dry hut picnic of sandwiches, chips, soup, and brownies. Since Fandango has 13 people too many, they sit out RC and Artis. (You hear that you Shakira naysayers? RC and Artis are sitting out not Shakira. Stop giving my girl such a hard time!)

For Round 1, we have Prickly Pete, Blair (Lisa), and Melty for Fandango. Denise, Jell-O Pop (Carter), and Scurvy will compete for KrabKlaw. Survivors ready, go!

The players burst forth onto the swampy field with wild abandon. They push to and fro on the giant ball until Prickly Pete gets bored and decides to strangle Jell-O Pop just for the hell of it. Game. On. Bitches. It's mayhem! It's chaos! It's delicious! Inspired by Prickly Pete, Blair then pounces on Denise and wraps her in a bear hug. She yanks and tugs and pulls as Denise continues to claw at the wicker ball. Clearly, those fierce field hockey games at Eastland has taught Blair well as she yanks Denise off the ball and pins her down into the mud. Denise isn't down for the count though. Oh no siree Bob. Dr. Denise has the body of an eel. All muscle and slime. She slithers and bucks against Blair while Prickly Pete shoves Jell-O Pop face first into the mud.

These bitches are hungry. They're so hungry, they're hon-gray. They are willing to do anything for a sandwich. Prison rules, hair pulling, tea bagging... you name it, they'll do it. The battle continues as the ball refuses to move one way or the other. Instead it spins in place like a planet. A planet that will later be a charming loveseat for some old lady somewhere.

As the ball spins and spins, the players continue to tussle and fight. Blair and Denise lie squirming underfoot while Prickly Pete has had about enough of Jell-O Pop tickling him with his feather pen. Pete lifts Jell-O Pop skyward and, like a wrestler, smashes him down into the soupy mud.

Meanwhile, a few feet away, Blair has Denise by the ankles and refuses to let her go. And this, my dear readers, is where we discover why Denise is probably the best sex therapist the world has ever seen. Not only will she listen to you intently while taking notes on her big yellow legal pads, but she'll teach you how to do the humpty-hump. Her name is Humpty, pronounced with an Umpty, Yo Lisa, oh how she likes to hump thee... The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump, Do the Humpty Hump, come on do the Humpty Hump...

Now that the challenge has taken a turn towards the erotic digital underground, let's see what Melty and Scurvy are up to. Oh hel-lo nice to meet you. Don't mind me, I'm just sticking my head up your ass. Hey, I can see your tonsils from here! While it may look uncomfortable and slightly rape-y, Dimples assures us that this is all perfectly legal. There is nothing in the Survivor Handbook that says "Thou shalt not stick one's cranium up another's rectum."

Nor is there anything that says, "Thou shalt not go digging for gold." A colonoscopy on the playing field is totally allowed. Besides, Melty is at that age where he needs to get his colon checked every once in a while so it's convenient too! And if you take a peek at Dimples watching from the sidelines, he is tickled pink by the salacious man grabbing taking place before him. One might say that the spicy prodding and titillating exploring is not only allowed, but encouraged.

And then suddenly, as quickly as the amorous ass play began, it all comes to a standstill. Melty sits comfortably on Scurvy's head. Prickly Pete and Jell-O Pop nuzzle in a cozy embrace. And Blair and Denise lie entangled under the ball in the mud. It is a still shot. A freeze frame. No one moves or dares to breathe. With the passing of time, the mud on their skin begins to harden and the six brave warriors turn into crude statues one might find in an artist's studio. Half whittled, half muddled. Yet to be smoothed and sanded. They just sit in the dank. Whether someone comes in or they sit alone, it is all the same. A motionless garden of statues.

Unbelievably and inexplicably, an entire hour passes with the statue people doing what they do best: not moving an inch. Now, an hour is a long time. And a probably even longer time if you're in the cold wet mud with worms crawling into your nether regions. I can't for the life of me figure out why no one has made a move. Finally, Prickly Pete, the only one not in a locked embrace, powerbombs Jell-O Pop one last time leaving Scurvy to scurry out from underneath Melty and take Pete's place on the other side of the ball. We are now locked again with Scurvy and Melty taking nappy time on either end of the ball.

So what do you do when there is nowhere to go and nothing to look forward to? You give up and try to make a deal, I guess. And so, in a very Big Brother way, Melty blurts out that he'll trade the sandwiches he has yet to win for the rest of KrabKlaw's rice. Hearing this, the peanut gallery on the sidelines shouts in protest, "No! Noooo!" Artis simply looks on in disgust and announces, "You can cancel that."

I don't often comment on production and the inner workings of the game, but what the hell? Why is Dimples allowing this conversation to take place? Players can't just decide to pause a challenge and willy nilly barter their spices for silks. We had a chance to witness a real honest to goodness Endurance Challenge and Dimples blew it. He blew it! I don't know if he thought the trade was good for drama, but I submit to the jury that a night in the mud with a surprise attack while opponents were sleeping face first in the goo would have been even more dramatic. Imagine the drama as hours turned into days and the players are forced to eat mud in order to stay alive.

So yeah, that jackass Dimples lets the deal go through. KrabKlaw wins Reward and Fandango gets the rest of KrabKlaw's rice. *burble*

Off to the Reward we skip where some hoagies and a bag of chips awaits. Katie dives face first into a platter of brownies and moans her way into sugar shock. Keep in mind, she didn't even participate in the challenge. She's sparkly and clean and weirdly wearing giant gold hoop earrings. Earrings. In the jungle. Not sensible studs - which are still probably a bad idea lest a giant wicker ball poke you in the ear at some point - but giant gold hoop earrings big enough for a lemur to swing on.

So the quitters continue to shovel their bounty into their traps when Scurvy discovers something on a nearby picnic table. Hark, what's this?! An envelope. A big giant envelope that says LETTERS FROM HOME on the outside. I wonder what it could be! Scurvy tells them it'll be great. It'll be Tony The Tiger grrrreat. And *womp womp* it is not great at all. It is boring. Have you ever sat at home and watched another person read? Oh, of course you have. You had that magic thrill last night along with me. Well, let me tell you something... first off, why are these chuckleheads getting letters before the Merge? Secondly, why aren't we allowed to hear the letters? Note to all reality shows everywhere: if a contestant gets a letter from home, they should be contractually obligated to read it aloud. Also, all Housewives participation in reunions must be mandatory. I had to throw in that last part because I still think it's b.s. that Jacqueline skipped out on it that one year. So yeah, they read their letters and everyone cried like little bitches.

Meanwhile, back at Fandango, a surly pirate is grumbly and angry. It is swashbuckling buccaneer Artis and, shiver me timbers, I really want to call him Blackbeard. Can I do that? It's not like a race thing. It's a "that's the only pirate name I could think of" thing. Screw it, I'm calling him Blackbeard and you can't stop me. So Blackbeard is pissed off. Not only is it his birthday, but his tribe is run by a careless buffoon who likes to make sand angels, eat chicken feed, and quit when the going gets tough. Blackbeard is especially bunged up that Melty makes decisions for a tribe he contributes nothing to. If he's not nursing a hairline fracture or putting a band aid on one of his digits, he's throwing dried rice in the air and catching it with his teeth. Melty is the last person who should be calling the shots for the Fandangos.

Eventually, the KrabKlaws rice arrives and it is pretty dismal. It is nary a thimble full. If a recipe called for "a pinch of rice", then that would be about the amount the KrabKlaws had left. In an effort to keep things upbeat, RC announces, "We doubled our rice!" Shakira, my love, care to comment on that? "That was one of the dumbest moves on Survivor! *hip kapow!* I've never seen anything like that en mi vida! We gave up a reward! We didn't fight for it! Eso es frickin' stupid!" *waves lighter in the air* Shakira, you are a wise sage. You're like Neruda if he was a really angry Brazilian chick and didn't write about love. You speak in pearls of wisdom, mi amor.

RC, on the other hand, is the polar opposite of Shakira. She keeps her emotions in check in front of her peers and waits until no one else is around to tattletale. So when she spies a chance to get Melty alone, that is precisely what she does - tattles. She tells Melty how Blackbeard keeps kicking his barrels of rum and how that hip shaking Shakira is the most negative person she's ever met. Oh hell no. Shakira is not negative. She's spicy. There's a difference. Anyhow, Melty sighs to himself and says that not only did he not make the final decision about the trade (como what?), but there was no way they would have won that challenge anyways. Umm, excuse me. Melty, are you aware that the Fandangos have won just about everything since day one?

Over on KrabKlaw, Jell-O Pop is chain smoking on the shore wondering where his next meal is going to come from. That Scurvy promised he'd be fishing day and night and he's not. He's not! O me! O life! of the questions of these recurring. Of the endless trains of... where the hell is my dinner, Scurvy?! And then, as if to answer the Survivor poet laureate in person, a stingray swims right up to the shallow waters of KrabKlaw. And sits. And waits.

Pardon me, but might I interject for a mo'? WTF is a stingray doing right there in like 6 inches of water? Is that normal? I don't know if you know much about stingrays but the barbs on their tails break off into where they sting you while the venom causes your muscles to cramp and your life to flash before your eyes. Or so I've heard. Let's just say I'd never go into that water if stingrays were coming and going like it was a freaking marine life cabaret.

So Stingy Stingbottom is sitting there chilling out when up comes the monstrous clomping of Scurvy with his fishing spear. Scurvy stealthily preparing for a kill is a little like a Clydesdale approaching its prey. *clomp clomp* Naturally, Mr. Stingbottom can hear, feel, smell, and see Scurvy approaching so he turns towards the deep blue sea and promises to be back later.

That is all fine and well, but Jell-O Pop is weak. One can only live on tobacco and pages from The Colossus for so long. His tiny stomach is the size of a raisin now and it needs sustenance. Sustenance and prose. While doubled over clinging to some pieces of bamboo, Jell-O Pop knows that suicide is a valid way out. If Plath and Sexton can do it, then why can't he? Then, in the dark cavernous recesses of his mind and in the scarlet flag waving above him, he is reminded again of Whitman... rise up and hear the bells. Rise up - for you the flag is flung - for you the bugle trills. For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths - for you the shores a-crowding. 

And would you look that, Jell-O Pop? The shores are indeed crowding. They are crowding with the bounty that Scurvy has managed to spear. Scurvy shouts from the bow of his ship as it approaches the shore, "A feast! This calls for a feast!" The KrabKlaws run to the beach and gather excitedly around. They wait for Scurvy to unfurl his giant net of prawns and mussels and flounder and Stingy Stingbottoms. Instead, he disembarks his vessel and simply opens the palm of his hand to reveal two tadpoles and a guppy. Katie whips a magnifying glass out of her bikini bottom and leans in for a closer look. Scurvy proudly exclaims, "That is pure protein, I'll have you know!"

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge one tribe member from each team will launch a ball into the outfield. The first tribe to catch five fly balls wins Immunity. Since Fandango has too many people they will sit out Melty and Shakira.

And here is where Dimples, yet again, gives Shakira a hard time for sitting out. Shakira doesn't sit out all the time. She didn't sit out in that last Reward Challenge and she surely didn't sit out when Dawson grabbed her hair and she replied with a titty twist. Why is Dimples being such a dick to Shaki? They have to sit out a girl. Shakira is the tiniest one there. Plus, she has a dinner menu to plan for that night and have you ever tried to stretch a tablespoon of rice to feed seven people? No, you haven't. So stick a cork in it Dimples and leave her alone.

Blair will be launching balls for Fandango with Denise launching for KrabKlaw. In the outfield we have the following pairs: Jeff Kent/Prickly Pete, RC/Katie, and Scurvy/Malcolm. Survivors ready, go!

The balls are lobbed into the air and a prancing dandy inexplicably wearing a fedora in the middle of a running challenge scores for KrabKlaw. 1-0

In round 2, both Pete and RC score for Fandango making the score 2-1. Katie, however, stands around bemoaning the fact that balls are flying at her face. At least she took off her earrings. At least there's that.

I'm not going to recap every round so let me sum up the challenge for you with a new nickname. Meet Golden Boy. Golden Boy has long flowing hair, lickable pecs, and can do no wrong. Sometimes when you look at him he shines like a gilded statue. He does the Lord's work tending bar, but would be better suited sitting high atop a Himalayan mountain summit where he can sparkle and bless the world below him.

Naturally, since Golden Boy is infallible and shines especially brilliantly when the sun hits him just so, he is the hero of the game and FANDANGO WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Fandango the air is full of despair. That string bean Jell-O Pop is morose and full of woe. His cigarettes are gone, his pens are out of ink, and he hasn't eaten a giant hoagie since yesterday. The grey clouds in the sky match the grey clouds in his soul. Jeff Kent, however, isn't dwelling on the loss. He is instead wondering which way he'll vote tonight. On the one hand, Jell-O Pop was outmuscled by Golden Boy and, on the other hand, Scurvy is a veteran and veterans are Bad News Bears. Then again, Bad News Bears was a movie about baseball. Oh what is Jeff Kent to do!

Both Jeff Kent and Jell-O Pop agree that Denise is a good egg and someone they should keep around. Plus, did you see her doing the Humpty-Hump at that Reward Challenge? Hot! So the question is, Katie or Scurvy? Jell-O Pop tells Jeff Kent that even though he wants Katie out because she sucks at everything, he'll vote out Scurvy if that is what Jeff Kent wants to do. All Jeff Kent has to do now is make a decision. If they decide to get rid of Scurvy with 'The Penner Punch', they need to do it in a way that he doesn't see it coming. Remember, Scurvy has the Idol hidden underneath his hat. Or maybe Stingy Stingbottom swam off with it. *shrugs shoulders* Stingrays are notoriously cantankerous vengeful types. They never forget an attempted murder.

*whish whish* Oh look, here comes Katie with her giant hoop earrings swinging to and fro. What say you, Katie? "Let's get Scurvy the f*ck outta here. That assh*le has gotta go. Stop pussy footing around you lazy sh*ts. Let's do this and play the mother f*cking game." *blinks eyes* Such a potty mouth for a pageant girl.

"Miss Delaware, how do you hope to make a difference during your tenure as Miss America?"
"World peace mothaf*cker!"

Hell, I'd give her the crown just for that answer alone. What's her talent, gang banging?

And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples is lovely in periwinkle and it almost makes you want to forgive him for his earlier transgressions. I'm a sucker for a man dressed like an Easter egg.

Dimples asks the KrabKlaws which of them truly feels in trouble. Denise and Katie raise their hands without hesitation. Denise explains that even though she can dance like the dickens when it comes to hip hop music, she is still the new girl on the block. She is quick to remind everyone, though, that there is value in keeping her around. You never know when an Immunity Challenge might be a dance battle.

Katie's reasoning is a little different. Oh sure, she's crap in challenges and she has the athletic prowess of Honey Boo Boo, but she's loyal. She'll stick with you through thick and thin. She'll vote how you want her to vote. She'll go to battle for you. She'll be your lookout when you shake down that liquor store. Basically, she'll be your bitch, muthaf*cka! Wut wut!

Dimples then turns his attention to Scurvy and asks him how he can feel so safe when there are *nudge nudge* blindsides *hint hint* lurking around every corner. Scurvy replies that if he remains confident then others won't want to vote him out. Jeff Kent sneers out of the side of his mouth and, from where I'm looking, it appears as if he's made his decision. Dimples catches it too and asks Jeff Kent to elaborate on voting. Jeff Kent replies, "Every vote is a blindside." Oh really?

*Dimples whips out a poster board and a Sharpie. He quickly scribbles THEY'RE VOTING YOU OUT SCURVY - DO SOMETHING!* Scurvy reads the sign and nods, "I wouldn't like it if they voted me out, but what a great move that would be!" Dimples then smacks himself in the head and tries to think of other ways to interfere.

"Jeff Kent, have you ever played a game, a game with balls and gloves and bases, that you've played strategically?"
"You've never hung out in a dugout and scratched yourself?"
"You've never worn cleats and swung a bat around?"
"This game sucks. Survivor sucks."

Yes Jeff Kent, it does suck when the host, who is now a producer, sticks his giant finger in and tries to stir things up unfairly. Seriously, why would Dimples ask that question? Would he have asked the same thing of Denise or Jell-O Pop? No way. Alright, time to vote.

So with all the posturing and the hints and manipulative editing leading us to believe that Scurvy was going home, Katie is actually the 7th person voted out of Survivor Philippines. As much as I despise veterans in the game, it was smarter to keep Scurvy around. Katie may curse a lot, but you and I both know she'd be the first one to tattle when that liquor store heist goes awry.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Was Katie the right person to go? Will Scurvy ever catch anything bigger than a toe? Has Melty already eaten all of the Fandango and KrabKlaws rice? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Rob Beasley and Scott Hudson for my Survivor photos!