Thursday, December 13, 2012

My Big Brazilian Ass

There is no sun. There is no samba. Your sequins and feathers cannot come out to play today. The paint on these walls chip and fall into lead clusters on the ground. The wallpaper lazily unfurls and limps into a soggy heap. The flowers in the vase wilt as the petals go plop, plop, plop. Even though the clouds keep coming - rapid, rolling, eating everything - the wind stands still and collapses into a pile of nothing. My glitter refuses to sparkle. The gin in my tub looks like sludge. The world around me is lifeless, colorless and odorless. I've lost my jiggle, my jingle, my jangle. My jiggles won't jingle or jangle. What is life without a hip scarf tinkling on the breeze? Without an insult on the wind? Without a hip bam to the throat? Colors dull and all that is left is the grey. Saturation, like my spirit, is negative. In the distance I hear a Brazil nut hit the tile and roll away. It leaves behind a silence and I am reminded of Eponine... And now I'm all alone again, nowhere to turn, no one to go to. Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hola puta to. *dabs tears* Let's recap, shall we?

We near the end of our Filipino tale in the thick of night. The giant moon looms overhead as our last remaining Survivors come trundling into camp drunk on giddiness and safety. Shakira (Abi-Maria) stands fluffing the flounces of her dress while offhandedly thanking everyone for keeping her in the game. "Thanks putas. I'm in awe, really." And then she reached up into her bikini bottoms and whipped out a fake idol/voodoo doll that looks suspiciously like Jell-O Pop (Carter). As she waved it overhead and danced around the campfire, Blair (Lisa) looked thoughtfully into the distance remembering Jell-O Pop, "He was such a nice young man. Remember when he'd read us the sonnets? I could really use a smoke right now." Melty (Michael), swatting Shakira's celebration hips away from his face, replies, "He took it so personally. Check under the shelter. I'm sure he hid a spare pack next to his scarf collection." *sigh* No, Jell-O Pop did not leave behind any of his fancy Russian cigarettes. All that remains of him are the ashes in his pipe and a cashmere beret that is beginning to pill in the humidity.

Meanwhile, we find Golden Boy (Malcolm) stroking his chin and glaring at Blair out of the corner of his eye. At the last Tribal Council Blair mumbled some cockamamie something or other about going to the end with someone she can beat. Golden Boy, being gilded and polished and lickable, knows she's not talking about him. So, while it is cute and charming that Blair has finally decided to play the game, Golden Boy can't risk her hanging around too much longer. She's dangerous now. Not dangerous in the sense that she could actually win Immunity or use the Latin beat in her soul to rumba someone to death. No, she's dangerous in the way that she could whine someone into submission. She could bat her eyelashes, flash that Warner charm, and manipulate the rest into feeling sorry for her. Hey, it's worked for her so far. Could it actually get her the million?

A new day dawns and with it, a bitterness. A bitterness and resentment from everyone except for my white light Shakira. Shakira sits in innocence wearing a crown of daisies while the other old bitties do everything they possibly can to make her feel bad. Dr. Denise runs her fingers back and forth in the sand and mumbles, "Well, hopefully Jell-O Pop is resting well." Melty nods emphatically, "Yeah, I wonder what breakfast poem he's reading to everyone. Do you think it's Frost or Tennyson? Remember when he read Corso and made Blair blush? *sigh* We never did find out what happened to Beowulf. I miss Jell-O Pop so." Denise then reaches across Shakira to hand Melty a coconut, "I sure do hope his pillow was fluffy enough for him last night. What if they don't sell Sobranie's at Ponderosa? You know how he gets if he has to smoke American." Melty gasps and clutches his pearls, "OMG what if they only have Marlboro's?! Poor Jell-O Pop!" Listening to all of this, Shakira grabs her purse and keeps a stiff upper lip, "I'm going to get some water, putas."

And while Shakira is away, the catty sewing circle doth play. Hens pecking at the sand all angry at themselves for their own votes. Listen, you do-gooding fuddy duddies, I'm going to lay it out for you all simple like - One. Million. Dollars. ($2.56 if you're Jeff Kent) I'd cut every single one of you loose for one million dollars. Hell, for $20 I'd poke you in the nether regions and throw your most cherished family photos on the fire. For $50 I'd skin your pets and wear them on my head. So imagine what I'd do for a million dollars (some stale saltines and government cheese if you're Jeff Kent). You shouldn't be lolling about in the sand counting the days until Shakira goes home. You should be clawing and pining for a way to make sure she's sitting next to you in that final three. You seem to forget that she'll be hurling a ninja star at R.C.'s head during the question and answer portion. Which, naturally, will be followed by a short unfair Filipino trial and then a public hanging in the town square. She's not getting the million (some pieces of string and a broken rubberband if you're Jeff Kent) you chuckleheads!

Shakira herself knows she probably can't win. But she's made it this far. "Final three" has such a lovely ring to it. Like the ringing and jingling when Shakira walks up the beach. *jingle jangle, puta, jingle jangle* Plus, it would be another feather in her sequined bustle if she can prevent that pesky Dr. Denise from winning. So, after baking in the sun and sorting through all of her files on how to whack a sex therapist, Shakira decides to tell Blair just how insignificant she is. "You're a bottom, puta." I think Shakira meant to say "on the bottom", but she's Brazilian. Everything is sex and feathers down there. Sex and feathers and bongos.

After hearing she's a bottom, Blair blinks wide eyes and asks for more details. Shakira juts one hip out to the side and flicks a speck of sand off her shoulder, "Oh, you know, just be careful. Be very careful, puta." And then she kicked sand in Blair's eyes and skipped away. To Blair's credit, she doesn't really believe the Caipirinha that Shakira is serving. She doesn't believe it, but ever since her brother, Christopher Dollanganger, visited camp she's been filled with a new naughtiness. A new whisper of evil that lets her know it is OK to scheme, it is OK to plot, it is OK to flirt with Brazilian rage and roll around in it for a spell. The problem with this new naughtiness is that it is coupled with a newly found self confidence. Sexy brothers can do that I guess. *shrugs shoulders* Self confident Blair likes to do that fake, "How did I get so lucky to have all these opportunities to choose from?" thing. That, "It's my destiny" thing. No. No. It's not your destiny. Shakira and Denise have been there all along. So have Melty and Golden Boy. Everyone around you has always been there. The fact that you've just now opened your eyes to how to move them around like chess pieces isn't a hand delivered gift from God. It's called Survivor.

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge you will race up and over a slide and into the ocean where you will grab fiiiive golden riiiings. Once you've collected both bundles, you must land one ring on each peg. First person to land all fiiiive golden riiiings will be picked up in a helicopter and taken to a boat with pizza and soft drinks where you'll get to swim with whale sharks. The winner will also get to choose two people to join them. Survivors ready, go!

The Survivors leap off the start and immediately Melty and Golden Boy take the lead. The boys stay in the lead with Dr. Denise and Shakira hot on their heels. Blair, however, begins to struggle as soon as she hits the water. Perhaps getting her 1920's bathing suit wet is weighing her down a little bit. That thing is like a giant burka swirling around her and coming dangerously close to smothering her face. You almost have to give her credit for doing as well as she's done in the past swim challenges. I don't think we ever stopped to consider that she's pulling an extra 200 pounds of wet fabric behind her.

So everyone gets their bundles and now it's a race against time and accuracy to see who can land their rings first. Melty makes quick work of landing his first three rings with Golden Boy, again, not far behind. Little spitfire Denise tells herself she's throwing Nuva Ring's on cervices and, hey, she lands one! Blair manages to nail a ring as well, but, let's face it, this race is all up to Melty and Golden Boy. Both have 4 rings on the pegs and toss, toss, toss... MELTY WINS REWARD!!!

The big question now is who will Melty choose to go with him. Actually, no it's not. We know who Melty will take just like we know that he'll injure himself again at some point during this episode. And kind of like how we know we'll have a prayer scene in the near future. We know! The only thing we don't know, and the only thing that keeps me on my toes - other than what curse words Shakira will spit into the wind - is when Golden Boy will let down his lovely locks. He's like my Rapunzel. Let down your hair goddammit! (Side Note: I can't believe he had his hair in a ponytail on the Jeff Probst Show. I could have killed him. If he pulls that crap at the Reunion, we're going to have a big problem.) But I digress... so yeah, Melty picks Golden Boy and Blair.

Hearing Melty's picks, Shakira crosses her arms over her body and looks sadly at the sand. Dimples notices as her lower lip begins to tremble and remarks that she looks heartbroken. Shakira shrugs her shoulders and wipes the weakness off her face. Once the ickiness is gone, she smirks and says, "I guess my vote doesn't mean anything." *glitter falls from the sky* Yes! That is how a Latin girl serves it up. If you do something to piss her off, she'll get you back for it. Maybe not now. Maybe not tomorrow. Nope, she'll wait until you're begging for her vote and then she'll throw this little scene right here back in your face like a monkey throwing poop. "You remember when you won that reward and you didn't pick me to eat pizza? No vote for you, puta!" *pow pow*

So while Denise and Shakira head back to Migrayne (Dangrayne) to be fake-nice to each other, the others are whisked away to the crystalline blue waters of the South China Sea. Aboard some sort of a booze cruise vessel, the three gorge themselves on soggy pizza, Costco cookies, and pop. Pop. Now, I'm a girl who has lived on both coasts - not Middle America. I know not of what this "pop" thing is. In my alcohol soaked existence, pop is the noise a bottle of champagne makes when you open it. But, to straight edge Christian Melty, pop is a drug. A wonderful drug that attacks your blood, your insulin and that "good time" part of the brain that makes you want to dance topless on a bar and make out with long-haired bartenders. And that is exactly what Melty does. He whips out his iPhone and gets his best girlfriend to tweet a pic of Golden Boy signing his boobs. And then he got into a fight with some frat guy giving him the side eye before making out with the bouncer and chipping a tooth on the end of a pop bottle while flashing the crowd his thong. Or... at least that's what I've heard drunk girls do. *whistles innocently.*

Before the high can become a memory and before the hangovers have time to settle in, the fearless crew of the Pop Cruise hold their fingers up to the wind and are able to decipher precisely where a  giant creature is swimming up the road apiece. Once Nemo is spotted, the Filipino crew kicks each Survivor overboard one by one for the swimming experience of a lifetime. And I gotta tell ya - it certainly was a majestic experience. Watching that giant fish come swimming up out of the blue only to discover Japanese artist Yayoi Kusama had gotten her hands all over it was the last thing I expected to see. First, she destroyed all those Marc Jacobs bags and now... a fish! Not everything needs to have polka dots on it for crying out loud.

Once the swimming is over and Melty got his ass handed to him by a fish head-butt, Golden Boy takes what is probably his last opportunity to do some strategizing without Denise lurking nearby. He tells both Melty and Blair that it'll be a blow out if any of them are up against Denise in the final three. She made it through the horrifying reign of Dreads, she survived every Tribal Council ever in the history of Survivor, she's a tough competitor with a body like one of those Leonardo DaVinci muscle drawings, she's articulate, and she has no real enemies. Add all of that up and it's like cat nip to those jurors. Melty nods and takes it all in before giving his answer with a big toothy orange soda stained grin. Meanwhile Blair thinks to herself, "Those are the same qualities you have, Golden Boy." Jostling on the boat while holy water sluices around inside of her, Blair doesn't agree with the Denise plan. She doesn't agree and she also doesn't lie. But this once. But this one itty bitty time she'll lie. It's just a tiny white lie and God is probably busy right now shaking his head at Shakira chasing Denise around the beach with a machete. He probably won't notice Blair fist pumping Golden Boy and making a final three deal that she has no intention of keeping.

Day turns to night and then night turns to morning. Only, on this morning, Denise is in mourning. Sometime in the night, a creature of unknown origin ('shakirachnid' from the Animalia kingdom, Anthropeda phylum, Arachnida class, Aranae order, Mebarek family, Shakira genus - native to forests of South America east of the Andes: Columbia, Venezuela, Ecuador, Bolivia, Peru, BRAZIL and Paraguay) clamped her fangs down on Denise's neck and released a hot and spicy salsa/poison that is now coursing through the good doctor's veins. Denise describes the pain as a sharp stinging - which, ironically, is something she hears quite often as a sex therapist. Ba dum bum! I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Upon further research into the poison that is slowly killing Denise, I came upon the following quote for the "Brazilian Wandering Spider." I bring it to you unedited...

It sways from side to side!!!

I don't want to point any fingers, but...

Some people would page a medic, get Golden Boy to pee on it, or chase Shakira down the beach with a firearm, but Blair decides that the best plan of action is to pray on it. Yes, gather around everyone. It's prayer time!

Heavenly father, please make this poison go through Denise oh so fast. Until then, cradle her like a baby and rock her back and forth like a mother would. And could you blow on her wounds while you're at it? I know it's not a burn and I know we didn't clean it with alcohol, but blow on it anyways. We ask you to heal this pain and comfort her.

Enter Melty...

Lord, we have a big challenge coming up. We have a big day. Those starving kids in Cambodia? The hell with them. Make Denise well, please. Just, you know, not TOO well. We don't want her to win or anything because we're thinking about voting her out. Final three, baby! And thanks for inventing sugar. Amen.


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge you will use planks to cross a rope bridge collecting pieces to a maze along the way. Once across you will take your maze pieces and - doh! - make a maze. Once your maze is assembled you will dingle dangle a ball through it. First person to get their ball in the finish hole wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!

Out of the gate we see everyone using different methods with their planks. Golden Boy and Melty hurriedly place theirs on the rope while Shakira takes hers and files them down to sharp points. If a spider bite can't kill Denise, then maybe a wooden stake to the heart can. It's a risky method to use as the filing puts Shakira behind the others, but wait until she finishes. Have you ever seen a lady with habanero poison in her veins successfully run from a homicidal Brazilian? Me either. The others continue to collect to their puzzle pieces with Golden Boy and Melty maintaining a nominal lead.

Golden Boy reaches the platform and then... tim-ber! He falls into the sand and has to start the whole thing over again. At home I started to panic. I mean, I know Golden Boy is safe no matter what, but I'm always rooting for either him or Shakira to win. So, Golden Boy falls and my heart starts to race. But then I noticed it. You noticed it too, didn't you? His hair came tumbling down with that fall. It cascaded and billowed. So I smiled.

Oh sure the others are pulling ahead and Denise, with veins on fire, manages to piece her puzzle together faster than anyone else. Only, it's wrong Denise. Wrong! The hallucinations have started and the lines of her maze are all squiggly. They're dancing off the paint and into the sunlight. She tries to focus and fix the pieces, but they just won't slide into place.

Meanwhile, look who has come from behind and is ready to kick all of your asses. It's Golden Boy! Managing the impossible, he restarted the rope part, regathered all the puzzle pieces, put them in place while Denise was asking the wooden stairs behind her for help, and dingle dangled his ball through the maze.

No matter how hard Denise and Melty try to catch up, they can't. Which means... GOLDEN BOY WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Migrayne the mood is somewhat relaxed. Everyone is hanging out enjoying the lazy afternoon while Melty sits fireside and keeps an eye on a covered pot. I don't know what is inside the pot and I don't know how large the gunpowder balls are that are fueling the fire. All I know is that Melty should stay away from fire, sharp objects, rocks, sticks, utensils, glass, polka dotted fish, water, pop and pillows for the rest of his life. You might be scratching your head at the pillows thing, but trust me. He'll get one stuffed with asbestos or with a family of Brazilian Wandering Spiders living inside. Just take my word on it.

So after the fire leapt up and tried to eat Melty, Shakira did a little reevaluating of the game and has decided that her only way to stay is to get Blair and Melty to vote with her to get rid of Denise. It isn't that crazy of a plan and it makes a hell of a lot of sense. The problem, unfortunately, is in Shakira's delivery of the pitch, "I'm being humble here. You can't win against Denise and Malcolm, puta." *giggles* While Shakira cracks me up endlessly, a guy like Melty (who hasn't had sugar for 30 yrs) isn't going to be entranced by brutal honesty and matter-of-factness. He's the kind of guy who needs smiles and parables and some sprinkles of the word "Lord" here and there. You need to come to him with bandages, iodine, and reasons why so and so isn't deserving. He's one of those annoyingly moral guys who probably says "Oh my word" instead of "Oh my God." So while Shakira makes a fuckload of sense to you and I, I know she won't crack his morally superior exterior.

Blair, however, has walked on the dark side and has found that she likes it. Just seeing Christopher Dollanganger sauntering into camp last week made her want to toss her rosary into the fire and say "damn" just for the hell of it. Where Melty is inherently good, I feel like Blair actually has to work at it. She has to remind herself all the time of what is right and what is wrong. Melty is such an innocent fop that he wouldn't know what wrong was if it sat on his face. Even then he'd probably compliment it and offer it some sugar-free cola. But Blair... Blair knows what evil is. She's been tempted by it all of her life. Melty isn't like that. Melty grew up on a commune sharing fruits and nuts with the rest of clowns at the Jester Academy while Blair shielded her eyes as she drove down Hollywood Boulevard. So when Melty approaches Blair with Shakira's plan to vote off Denise, the first words out of her mouth are, "Oh I like that."

Meanwhile, sensing that something is possibly amiss, Denise drops some hints to Golden Boy that she wants that spare Hidden Immunity Idol of his. Golden Boy shifts his eyes from side to side and assures Denise that there is no way they'll keep Shakira around tonight. He's confident that Denise is safe. And it is here that I wonder why Shakira and Golden Boy never had a conversation. Shakira is under the impression that Golden Boy and Denise are tight so it would have to be up to him to make the first move - like he did out on that boat with the others. All he had to do was approach Shakira with a plan to keep her safe. It would have been so easy! Damn you Golden Boy. *shakes fist in the air*

And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples asks Blair how the mood back at camp was after Golden Boy's win. Blair admits that Shakira was playing Survivor and making some very strong arguments to stay in the game. This, of course, causes Dimples to turn his attention to Shakira and once again be an inappropriately rude dickhead.

"So Shakira, you feel like you're in trouble?"
"Yes, my back is up against the wall."
"With all due respect, you've been detested. Laughed at! You're not likable. You're not a good person. You're just not nice."
And then Shakira flung a Brazilian Wandering Spider at his face.

Dimples brings up the point that since Shakira is so awful and wretched, she might be a great person to take to the end. Shakira replies, "Absolutely. I'm the best person to bring because they can all beat me." And there you have it. As far as I'm concerned, case closed. That's it. That's all you need to hear. You take the person you can beat. Again, ONE MILLION DOLLARS (or pocket lint if you're Jeff Kent).

Dimples then turns to Denise for her opinion on the case that everyone could beat Shakira. Denise replies, "Absolutely. If that's the game you want to play." The game you want to play? The game you want to play?! Oh come on! The only game you should want to play is the one that gets you one million dollars (poop on the bottom of your shoe if you're Jeff Kent). There is no other game anyone anywhere should be playing out here. Why put yourself through the mental and physical torture of the Survivor experience and then piss it all away because you want "good people" to get to the end? No, no, no!

And then Denise really sticks her foot in it when she says that it is because of luck that Shakira has gotten as far as she has. Blair hears this and shouts, "Oh hell no! My Fandango colors are screaming right now. It was not luck that kept us away from Tribal Council." Damn Blair. Nicely done.

Denise backpedals immediately and says she didn't mean to imply that Fandango got lucky. Denise, I like you and I realize you're trying to save yourself, but Shakira found an Idol. Shakira saved her money at that auction instead of buying herself a Grand Slam Breakfast. Shakira won Immunity when she needed it. And she was injured. And no one liked her. Babe, that's not luck. That's either skill or divine intervention from the great goddess Shakira herself.

Look, she's praying over us right now.

As with all hip shakes and booby thrusts, the goodness is only temporary. And aren't we thankful for that! Because hold onto your pasties, bitches. I give you the best scene ever.

"Choose me. You can beat me. No one can beat Denise or Malcolm. Melty or Blair can't win this game against Denise."
"What do you say to this Melty?"
"You know, it's so many things..."
"He's an idiot! That's why he's going to lose a million dollars."
"Anyway Dimples, let me finish my thought..."
"You're a moron! You are a moron."
"I guess that's her way of communicating. I don't know."
"He thinks he's going to win a million dollars at the end and he's not."

Hang on... I'll be right back.

*pads to the refrigerator and retrieves two bowls of pink glitter*

*sticks face in and blows*

I love this girl!

Which makes it all the harder. All the sadder. All the more miserable to say what I'm about to say. Standing here dripping in pink glitter a single solitary tear falls down my cheek.

Shakira is the 14th person voted out of Survivor Philippines. And this is how she left the Survivor set...

Others laughed when she pulled out her veil, but that's because they didn't understand her genius. Keep shaking Shakira. You will be missed.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Did Melty and Blair make the right decision? How boring will the finale episode be without Shakira in the first 90 minutes? Finally, who do you want to win Survivor Philippines? Comment it out bitches and have a puta day! I'll see you back here on Monday for my final blog of the season.

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