Thursday, October 31, 2013

Getting Down To The Nut Crackin'


*CLUNK* Dazed and with fluttering eyelids I can feel my body moving across the sand yet I can't seem to stop it. The clanging in my head, the ringing in my ears... the *thwump thwump* in my temples. In and out of consciousness I float as single frames of some sort of movie with a herky jerky handheld camera click by hither and thither. The flicker of flames... *blackness* The stringing up of a wild boar still squealing... *blackness* The grunting, guttural grunting... man or beast? *blackness* Parched and sore, I think I can finally lift my head up off this bed of pine needles. Why is that spoon bent backwards like that? *CLUNK!* Again... *blackness* Has it been days, minutes, hours... years? How long have I been in this cave with my captor? Let's recap, shall we?


We continue our tediously tiresome tale at the tiptop of the tick tock. It is at this zero hour that we find sticky gumdrop feet tiptoeing through the Rhode Island (Redemption Island) sand. Head shaking in disbelief, KitKat (Kat) should be disappointed in herself. But she's not! She is not disappointed at all. She is proud. Miss Twizzler fingers through Big League Chew hair is proud that she has yet to cry. Being sent to Rhode Island so early in the game is emotionally challenging for any returning player, but our KitKat has risen above such petty tomfoolery like tears and feelings. Oh sure, her bohunk boyfriend will probably break up with her tomorrow and she'll go down as the most embarrassing player in Survivor history, but she didn't cry dammit. She did not cry. And so, in the frigid night air, her toffee lining and the caramel running through her veins hardened to a toughness lulling the candy queen to a dream-filled sleep of dancing sugar-plums.


But then... the sun! Fierce and fiery, that blinding behemoth took its rightful place in the sky and proceeded to melt all that had grown hard and crusty. Snow on mountaintops, ice-covered ponds and, yes, the candy shell that once protected the KitKat from the world. Underneath that blazing fireball, the slick and shiny shell began to bend and distort itself into something malleable, something feeling. Do you know what happens to jelly in extremely hot temperatures? It stretches, it leans, it reaches and softens. Softens until it is a jelly no more. Softens until it drips... *glop glop plop!* Thus, this is why we now find the KitKat, just another victim of the sun, reduced to nothing but gritty plops in the sand. Ruined! Because as any baker knows, a gritty sandy batter is of no use to anyone.

And this brings us once again to the Rhode Island ludus. The place where dreams are shattered and clues are burned. Come on in guys! Benihana (Tadhana) gets its first glimpse of the new WangChung (Galang). HayDouche (Hayden) sits on the bleachers puzzled. He quietly counts the WangChungs to himself, "One, too, C, See's Candies... hey, where's KitKat?!" Dimples then waves in the losers living on Rhode Island.


Wifey (John) and Medusa (Laura M.) march in ready for battle while KitKat slowly drags her gummy worm legs one at a time into the arena. Upon seeing HayDouche up in the stands, she stops in her tracks (gummies frequently get stuck in the sand) and asks, "Hug me. Hug me. Can you hug me?" HayDouche sighs and reluctantly goes to hug his jar of syrup. *squish squish*

"KitKat, immediately you told HayDouche you were sorry. Sorry for getting voted out?"
"Yeah, I feel like I let him down."

Meanwhile up in in the stands...
"Psst, Aras, do you have Parvati's phone number?"
"What?"
"Parvati. Or how about ChaCha? Hell, I'll even take Jugs' number if you have it. She's got some big knockers on her."

It is here, through all of this jibber jabber, that we get a creepy insight into the love affair that is HayKat. KitKat, for some eerily creepy reason, is convinced that HayDouche will now dump her for getting voted out before the Merge. *scratches head* The absurdity of it all leads me to believe that either KitKat is a nightmare of a girlfriend steeped in paranoia - Where were you last night? Why didn't you return any of my 37 phone calls? You were totally flirting with that waitress! - OR HayDouche constantly treats her like she's disposable and easily replaceable (kind of like he treated Kristen Bitting). In my expert opinion as a board certified Survivor blogger, I conclude that both hypotheses are correct. Yes, KitKat is irrationally and psychotically paranoid. BUT she got that way because HayDouche made her that way.

So while HayDouche is doing his best trying to convince Dimples that KitKat means more to him than anything "EVEN this game" (Was anyone else creeped out by the way he emphasized "even"?), Dimples decides to test the young lad's conviction.

"My relationship with KitKat is more important than... EVEN this game."
"Really?"
"It is. Yeah. It is."
"So I want to challenge you on that."


With an intake of breath and a struggle to swallow the golf ball now sitting in his throat, a panic stricken look flashes across HayDouche's face for a brief moment. He knows what's coming. Dimples is going to ask him if he wants to take KitKat's place at Rhode Island. KitKat knows it's coming too. She's already gathering up her satchel, her Smarties necklaces and her jelly bean vitamins. She blows Hershey kisses to Wifey and Medusa as she steps over Aras to take HayDouche's place at Benihana.

Hold on there, Sister Christian. Repack those Butterfingers and take back those kisses because your ass isn't going anywhere. HayDouche might say he cares about you more than Survivor, but that sure as hell doesn't mean he means it. HayDouche puts his neck on the line for no one. We learned that way back in Big Brother 12.


So, long story short, KitKat is forced to play in the duel which requires nothing more than the logic to open a bag before you empty it. Sadly, this sort of logic is the kind that KitKat has never come into contact with in her silly tralala existence. And so we bid adieu to the candy cane and start taking bets for how long it takes for HayDouche to break up with her. I say 2 months.


Back at Benihana, the menfolk are comforting HayDouche with hugs and brah pats on the back. Little do they know that HayDouche is secretly doing backflips in his head, "The ball and chain is gone! Yessss! I can play for himself now! It's about time! She was totally cramping my style! Yo Parvati, hit me up!" After performing a jaunty jig in private, HayDouche returns to camp where the conversation is now an intense discussion on game strategy. The plan is to keep winning Challenges, Merge, pull Yogi Vytas into their alliance and then steamroll their way through the game. With the rest of their time in The Philippines all mapped out for them and the hard thinking out of the way, the men scatter for a siesta.

Aras, however, has another idea on how the Benihana's can fill their free time at camp. A hoity toity idea that leads to betterment of self, strengthening of the psyche and a union with spirit. "Anyone fancy a peaceful walk and a relaxing meditation? My guru at Canyon Ranch gave me some fascinating affirmations and a recipe for rosemary lemon water that will curl your toes." Cupcake (Tyson) and the others grunt out some no thank you's and choose to nap instead.


And here is where we see some Survivor fakery. I don't often call out Production, but let us evaluate the above photo, shall we? Here we see Aras "meditating." What we don't see is the crew down behind him radioing instructions up to the helicopter capturing the moment. A shot like this takes preparation. It takes planning. Christ, he's even softly lit at magic hour! This is a preplanned choreographed filler shot not the spontaneous Buddha on the mountaintop moment Production wants us to think it is. And why are we getting filler shots? BECAUSE THIS CAST IS BLOODY BORING!!! The 85 twists have yet to create drama, the damn Hidden Immunity Idol clues keep getting burned up and these twits do nothing but sleep all day. No one worries about food because there's a feast every other day and cast members like Crusty (Katie) and Ciera are about as animated as a tree stump. I've said it before, I'll say it again... I hate this season. I HATE IT. I get ticked off that I have to interrupt whatever I'm doing to watch it every week. I'm sorry, but it's true. Do you know that I faked food poisoning last week so I could spend the day doing yoga instead of writing a blog? My apologies for lying to you, gentle readers, but you know how I get when I'm not entertained.


Alright, so Aras is doing his Shakti Gawain Creative Visualization - something I happen to be very familiar with (last season I creatively visualized Dimples saying, "Our next question is from Colette Lala") - and imagining himself as the winner of Survivor Blood v. Water. For a creative visualization to be successful, one must feel, touch, smell, taste every facet of the desired outcome. For example, I shall creatively visualize an entertaining season of Survivor. I can see it now... I'm sitting on the couch with my heart in my throat. The cunning gameplay and backstabbing is unfolding before me on my television. The air smells of gin and popcorn. I am smiling. I am feverishly typing notes. Survivors are tweeting me gushing compliments and I am tweeting them back. Golden Boy (Malcolm) takes off his shirt. Wait, what's he doing here? I'm getting my scenarios mixed up. Anyhow, you get the gist of it. Believe, believe, believe. Believe so hard that your dreams have no choice but to manifest. So mote it be!


While Aras' heart is in the right place and he says he's visualizing Dimples handing him the check, how are we to know that that is what is really going through his mind? What if he's really envisioning beating the crap out of Vytas at the next Challenge? Or perhaps he's thinking about a sexy late night tryst where Cupcake let's him lick his icing? We have no idea where Aras is truly sending his energy, but he might need to focus it a little better because, as we speak, Cupcake is hard at work convincing the others back at camp to get rid of Aras. The idea of Aras reuniting with Vytas scares Cupcake. *shrugs shoulders* I don't know, I still maintain the two brothers hate each other and would love nothing more than to send one another out of the game.


So while Cupcake is making an alliance we'll call the Lost Souls (those without loved ones), those WangChung's are over on their side of the island darning socks and planning a quilting bee. Tina watches out of the corner of her eye as Vytas and Crusty sit next to one another in the sand. She winks loudly at Vytas and makes obscene finger gestures while motioning towards her daughter. Poor Crusty. At this rate, she's on the path to spinsterhood and Mrs. Tina Bennett simply won't tolerate having an old maid for a daughter. She's ready for grandbabies and she's ready for them NOW. If Vytas can't seduce Crusty into spreading her legs for him, then how about he bludgeon her over the head with a club? It worked for the cavemen!

Transitioning into WangChung's way of life might have been difficult for the average guy, but Vytas isn't your run of the mill average Joe. He is a yogi and that means that he is in tune with the feminine energy swirling all around him. Instead of fighting it, he will hand himself over to it. He'll go ahead and let the women braid his hair and give him facials. He'll bring them elderberry tea in the morning and show them yoga poses to relieve their PMS symptoms in the afternoon. He'll use feeling words and talk romantically about "the one who got away" reminiscing over how they'd watch Love Actually every Christmas. Women eat that shit up! Plus, Vytas has that reformed bad boy thing going for him. If there is anything the ladies love, it's a newly reformed bad boy. He's still dangerous and exciting enough to keep you on your toes, but he's not so bad that he'll steal money from your pocketbook and go score a gram.


So while Vytas has ingratiated himself into the tribe seamlessly, The Creepster (Laura B.), uh, hasn't. The Creepster moseys awkwardly midway into conversations. She farts during yoga class. She lifts her armpit to a tribe mate and says, "Smell this!" This is her way of opening up and making new friends. But for all of The Creepsters weird idiosyncrasies, she can identify a "good guy" when she sees one. Yogi Vytas is one such good guy. He's so good that The Creepster feels totally comfortable revealing her feelings to him, "I'm having such a good time. A good time. You know? You listening? I said I'm having a good time. Yes sireebob. Just me and these gals. You've gotta an eyelash inside your nose. Here, let me get it. Oh don't be scared. I do this all the time Nana's ole goat, Buddy. He had some crazy shit up his nose, I tell ya. *The Creepster belches* Does your pubic hair itch? Mine does. Right here. Ya think ya got a yoga pose for that? Gramps always said damn smelly hippies do yoga, but you really don't smell that bad. Yeah, it's fun out here. I'm glad I met you. Have you ever shoveled cow shit? Sometimes it gets in your mouth. It's really not that bad you know. It kind of smells like that tea you've been giving us every morning." Umm yeah, she creeps me out.


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge you'll all be tied up in a chain gang. Gervase and Aras will escape from the chain gang and do a reenactment of The Defiant Ones where racial hijinks will ensue. Black and white must work together if they want to persevere. As in film, as on TV, as in life. First tribe to land 5 things called bolos onto a rack wins Immunity and fried chicken. That's racist! Survivors ready, go!


The Challenge begins and it's a melee! A wild raucous melee of confusion and ass. You read that right. ASS. Monica's ass to be specific. It's tight and it's toned and gosh darn if it isn't going to try to stop Aras in his tracks! First, she shakes it in front of him. Then, look away Pythagorus (Brad Culpepper), she sits on his face. That Monica is such a flirt!


Kerfluffle, hiccup, yadda. The Creepster's pubes break free. Ack! Cupcake and Tina go head to head. Toss, toss, toss. Sneer, gum, toss. Cupcake and Tina are tied 4-4. Tina tosses and breaks a hip. Cupcake tosses and scores! BENIHANA WINS REWARD!!!


While the Benihana's are busy licking the grease off their fingers, the WangChung's are wearing their sad faces and staring at the sand. Yogi Vytas remembers something Patanjali (that famous bad boy from New Delhi) said in the Yoga Sutras, "Whooah, we're half way there. Livin' on a prayer. Take my hand, we'll make it I swear. Livin' on a prayer." The women are moved by the sentiment. They close their eyes letting the words sink in. Only the leaves on the trees rustling in the breeze can be heard. Until... until The Creepster speaks, "Um Vytas, I respect you so much. You're a hell of a guy and if I didn't have that tie dyed man back at home waiting for me, I'd love to wrap my milky thighs around you, but forget about that for now. Look, the thing is, you're going home. Me and these other vaginas have talked it over and we gotta get rid of you. *The Creepster blows a snot rocket* You're the most amazing man and, I tell ya, if I was single." *The Creepster elbows Vytas in the ribs* "So let's just enjoy your last day ever. Let's sing some more of those Pootang lyrics you got and just be happy, k?"


Ewww! Eww, eww, eww. Make it stop! Someone make her shut up. Please! *shivers* Yuck! She gives me the heebie jeebies. So while at home I'm scrubbing myself down because I feel dirty now, the women of WangChung are all staring at The Creepster with their jaws agape. They are all thinking to themselves, "What the hell is she doing?!" Monica's lips form a thin line of anger as she resents how The Creepster decided to give this weirdo speech of hers without consulting any of them. Tina stares at the sand and shits uncomfortably while Crusty hides behinds her hands hoping the whole scene will just disappear. Vytas, on the other hand, is staring right at The Creepster. Actually, he's not staring, he's sneering. And there it is, folks! The bad boy. A reformed bad boy always has a little bit of the old bad boy inside and sometimes, in scenes just like this, he'll peer out from within and make an appearance. The bad boy doesn't mince words. He doesn't have time to mince words for he doesn't know how long his glimpse will last. So, Bad Yogi, glaring at The Creepster, asks, "So you think this makes me want to have a good afternoon?" *bites fist*

The circle disperses and The Creepster is left by herself. She stands, legs wide, with her hands on her hips nodding approvingly. She grabbed that bull by the horns and told it who's boss! She sure did! She's the leader of the vaginas now. Making a slow mosey circle around camp, she snorts and chuckles to herself. "Yup. They respect me now," she thinks to herself. Raising up her arm, she sniffs her armpit and exhales, "Ahhh yeahhhh. That's good stuff there." *cringes*


Meanwhile, the rest of the sewing circle is fit to be tied. Monica is seething to Crusty about some Survivor 101 class she took back at the community college. Out in the water, Yogi Vytas is doing a symbolic dead man's float. When Tina swims up next to him he asks her, "Is it my time to go tonight?" Tina replies that she doesn't think so, but the truth is that she doesn't really know. He should go home, but The Creepster is just so damn creepy!


And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples is glowing by the light of the fire and then The Creepster speaks. *cringes again* "Well Dimples, we got 4 vaginas here. Count 'em, go on ladies, show him. 1-2-3-4 vaginas. And that there *points to Vytas* is not a vagina." Dimples stares horrified. "I became a leader, Dimples. I grabbed the game by the balls, like this *The Creepster reaches out and squeezes Dimples' balls* and I told Vytas, 'Man, you gots ta go.' I'm making moves here, sweet cheeks. Either piss or get off the pot, you know what I mean?" Dimples replies, "No, I have no idea what the hell you mean, but you're totally sketching me out so I'm going to move on."

Yogi Vytas responds and takes issue with the use of the word "vagina." He tells Dimples, "Vaginas don't matter. It's who you trust that matters." Dimples covers his ears, "Stop saying 'vagina'!"

Tina then chimes in and compares Vytas to Aras. You can almost see the resentment wafting off of Vytas when she says that both brothers are honest and sincere. He shifts uneasily in his seat because, while he may be putting on the good trusting yogi act within the game, he's still got that naughty boy living inside of him and that naughty boy isn't a golden sun god like Aras is.

The Creepster then jumps in and points out that Vytas is a huge threat because Aras has won before. *scratches head* How does that make Vytas a threat? If anything, that makes him a target. Here's my approach to people who have won before and have returned to play the game - GET RID OF THEM. If I were on Survivor and a former winner was on with me, I would make it my mission to vote them off first thing. I would be jealous and resentful that they already won. I would be bitter that I hadn't won yet. The last thing I'd do is keep them around. I'd teach those greedy jerks a lesson and get them the hell off my island! How those people let Sandra sit around and win TWICE is beyond my comprehension.


Alright, let's get to the vote. The Creepster, please pack up your vagina and go. You're scaring the children.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Would you target Tina and Aras like I would? How many times have you creatively visualized about Golden Boy? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!











Thursday, October 17, 2013

Balls To The Wall


With All Hallows' Eve quickly approaching, it is only fitting that the creepy crawlies drop their masks and come out to play. They've always been here lurking in the corners watching our every move. Covered in drool, they hide their snorts and wait for the harvest season to end. They wait for their that one time of year when the darkness (née "winter") begins. These impatient soulless beings move from their corners to under your bed. They slither up beneath your covers and wrap their tentacles around your sleeping form. You kick and wrestle, but they are here to stay, my friends. With rings under your eyes and frustration in your heart, you carry these parasites with you until the final Hallowmas bell tolls on November 2nd and beckons them back beneath the floorboards. Until then... A soul cake, a soul cake... Please good missus, a soul cake... An apple, a pear, a plum or a cherry... Any good thing to make us all merry. Let's recap, shall we?


We continue our tawdry tropical tale at Benihana (Tadhana) with the moon full and our stomachs empty. A slow dimwitted boulder of a man, HayDouche (Hayden), stands lost and forlorn. He scratches both his balls and his head at the same time wondering what the hell just happened. One second he was bro-ing down with his Dudes and the next second his main Dude was sent packing. How the...? What the...? Who the...? So many questions, so little time to catch him up on how addition and subtraction works. And so, with a big question mark dangling overhead, HayDouche announces, "Tushie!" (I think he meant touché) Throwing around French words time and again is HayDouche's way of exercising his brain parts. Sometimes it works out for him and sometimes it can get a little awkward... like that one time he was standing in line to use a urinal and announced, "Après moi, we douche!"


Meanwhile on Rhode Island (Redemption Island) a similarly awkward scene is taking place. Pythagorus (Brad) was voted out at the last Tribal Council and is now trundling his way into his new home. Lugging his belongings in his little red wagon, Pythagorus knocks over the 'Do Not Disturb' sign hanging outside the rickety shelter where two sleeping forms lie in a compromising position. Candice of the Woodcocks and her submissive, Wifey (John), were dabbling in some light BDSM earlier and now we find Wifey bent over with a rock gag in his mouth and a wooden umm apparatus in his uhhh... well, you get the picture.

Paying no mind to the muffled Wifey who is simultaneously wincing and grinning, Pythagorus leans over him to shake Candice's hand, "Hey guys, I'm waving a white flag. It's a game. I apologize for... whatever. Quite frankly, I'm just glad I'm not going to get abused at Rhode Island anymore." Just wait until the sun rises and reveals Candice's chest of woodcocks. You don't know what abuse is!


Slithering deeper into the thick of night, we find ourselves at WangChung (Galang) amidst some uncharacteristic caresses and moans. Is it Cupcake (Tyson) and Aras in another one of their nuzzling embraces? Could it be KitKat (Kat) snuggling up to a large tree trunk thinking it's HayDouche? No and no. It is Medusa (Laura M.) and she is squishing her bosoms into Aras while kneading his shoulders with vim and vigor. Breathily, she coos into his ear, "You have a nice ass... I mean, lats! Lats! You have nice lats. You know, shoulders? The things on top of your arms." Medusa's hands then slide down the length of Aras' back to cup his "lats" good and firm. "Hmm yeahhhh," Medusa continues, "Grrrreat lats."

Laura B., a student of the game learning what she can from her tribe mates, then raises up her blanket to reveal her milky unshaven thighs, "Pssst Gervase, I've got room in my blankie. Wanna share?" Gervase panics and looks from Laura B., now with her tie-dyed tankini strap dropped over one shoulder, to Medusa ferociously squeezing Aras' "lats." Gervase stutters, "Uhh umm I'm OK right here." Laura B. winks at him coyly, "Well, the blankie is here if you need it. For future reference. Right here, Sexual Chocolate." The night ends with Gervase wide awake clutching his knees slowly rocking back and forth, "No blankie, no blankie, no blankie..."


The next day, bright and early, we find ourselves at the Rhode Island arena awaiting another battle. As the Benihana's march in, Dimples twirls his mustache and points out to Monica that her hubby, Pythagoras, was voted out at the last Tribal Council. While Dimples waits for the compulsory tears to fall, Creepy Creepster Laura B., desperate to make any sort of friend, awkwardly reaches over to caress Monica's thigh. Paying no mind to Creepster's creeping, Monica slowly wipes a tear off her cheek and sniffles quietly to herself as the victims are brought in one after the other.

Immediately and without haste, Monica asks Pythagoras if she can take his spot on Rhode Island...

"Can I take your spot?"
"Monica, you're a rock."
"Huh?"
"I adore you."
"No, I adore YOU!"
"I just want to say that I'm not here cuz I'm a jerk."
"What?"
"Monica, shut it! I just want to say that I have never shushed a woman and I am NOT a jerk."
*Pythagoras then turns his baseball cap, the one with the letters J-E-R-K stitched on the front, backwards*

Delighted and clapping his hands, Dimples points out that the reason everyone thinks Pythagoras is a jerk is because of Candice of the Woodcocks. He also points out, in that very bitchy Dimples way he has, that Candice has yet to spend time, any time at all, at either one of the tribes in this game. In response, Candice crosses her arms over her chest and mumbles, "Well, I've heard things." Up in the bleachers Monica sniffles, "Candice, you hurt my feelings when you called Jerkface, I mean Pythagoras, names." Candice snorts in reply, "Well, YOU hurt MY feelings when you wrote my name down and voted me out. So there!" It was all very dignified and mature... and awesome!


Ok scallywags, let's get to the duel. For today's Challenge, you will take apart a crate and use the planks to build a bridge. After you've completed your bridge, you will take the bridge apart and use the planks to solve a puzzle. The first two people to finish will stay in the game. The last loser-y sucker will go home forever. Survivors ready, go!

The Challenge begins with Candice of the Woodcocks quickly and easily gaining an impressive lead while the two men lagged behind and struggled to get their pieces into place. But then, out of nowhere, Wifey places plank after plank and whizzes past his Dom, through the puzzle building phase, and into first place. It is now down to Candice and Pythagoras. The music thumps louder as the fans in the stands weirdly begin to shout in favor of Pythagoras. It is down to one plank for both of the remaining duelers and, honestly, I couldn't decide who to root for. In the end, it didn't matter who I chose because, before I knew it, Pythagoras flips his final plank and finishes. So long Candice of the Woodcocks. You're outta here!


Through tears and sniffles, Wifey again has to decide whom to give the Hidden Immunity Idol clue to. Since Candice is no longer there to guide him, Wifey once again gives the clue to Monica who, once again, throws it into the fire. You know this chaps the Survivor producers asses. They love having an Idol in play but that crazy Monica keeps burning them up! As HayDouche would say, "C'est la feet!"


Speaking of feet, back at Benihana, Katie's are falling off. It seems she has caught the leprosy and now, one by one, her little piggies are crusting over, turning black and breaking off all over camp... This little piggy looks like nougat, this little piggy turned to foam, this little piggy crinkles like a leaf, this little piggy shrivels in the sun. And this little piggy went wee wee wee... until it was none. Katie, you are not alone for I, too, once had the leprosy. Actually, I didn't, but my mother made me think I did and that is much worse. When I was a wee little lass around the age of 6, I had a rash on my arm that itched and itched. Naturally, I scratched it day and night. I asked my mother, the woman I looked to for guidance and nurturing, what was wrong with my arm. My mother replied, "It's leprosy." So, the next day, there I am in school, in my little plaid uniform holding my crusty red arm up to a nun and proudly declaring, "Look, I have leprosy!" Yes, gentle readers, my mother is a sadistic evil woman who takes great pleasure in humiliating me whenever possible. Forgive me, Katie, but it is the deep scars given to me by my cruel and wicked mother that forces me to bestow upon you the following nickname... sorry, Crusty.

So, with Crusty busy chasing down her toenails and phalanges, Yogi Vytas decides that it is time to try to feel out Caleb and find out exactly where his head it at in the game. If you'll remember, it was Caleb who went against the Dude alliance last week and staged the coup that got rid of Pythagoras. The question on everyone's mind now is - where do Caleb's loyalties lie? Will he side with the remaining Dudes (HayDouche and Yogi)? Or will he flip and join Ciera and Crusty?


Yogi knows he could be in trouble if Caleb chooses to join the girls so he decides to take Caleb out fishing for a little bonding time to try woo him back to the Dudes. Out on the water with the waves gently lapping all around them, Yogi finally breaks the awkward silence, "That RuPaul is quite the guy, isn't he?" Caleb, not saying a word, slowly gives Yogi the side-eye. "Yeah, I like him. And sequins. Yeah, sequins can be cool too. Umm what else? That Modern Family is a good show, right? I think all men should be allowed to adopt babies." The silence grows louder as Caleb sighs and stares out over the horizon. "So, do you exfoliate? You have great skin. I need a lot of exfoliating." Caleb, with a face unmoving, maintains his stony silence. Yogi Vytas clears his throat awkwardly, "I knew a gay guy once. He was this junkie who used to... Oh wait, never mind. So, do you like Adam Lambert?"


I wish I could give you 2 snaps and a twist for effort, Yogi, but that was pathetic. Pathetic! Caleb is a bear. You're supposed to talk to him about motorcycles and facial hair and leather caps not sequins and RuPaul! Yogi, I think you need to regroup and try again. How about a little Vinyasa to loosen up the joints and bring some awareness to the situation at hand?


A gentle twist is great for squishing out all those uncertainties and self doubts.


Follow it with an inversion and let the blood rush to your head. You might be surprised to find your creativity and intellect recharged with new and innovative ideas.


See?! What did I tell you? Bears like to do yoga too! That is your "in" with Caleb, not Adam Lambert.

Armed with new mental awareness and insight, Yogi Vytas gathers up the remaining Benihana's for a mountaintop meditation. With the expansive sea spread wide before them, the Benihana's come together in nature's majesty and vow to try their hardest at the upcoming Immunity Challenge. It is time for their losing streak to end. All for one and one for all!


And that brings us to our next Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge, you will slide down the wedgie slide, grab a ring and toss it on some spikes. The first team to land 5 rings wins Immunity. In addition to Immunity, you will also be playing for a Reward of steak, vegetables, spices and a wok. Monica nods approvingly, "Ooh a wok!" Since WangChung has 800 more players than Benihana, they'll have to sit some people out. KitKat immediately spits, "Not me! I'm playing!" Monica and Medusa then roll their eyes at one another and reluctantly volunteer to sit out with the Creepster. Survivors ready, go!


Rather than go through this round by round, here is what you need to know. Monica and Medusa are pissed off at having to sit out. They are so ticked off that the bench they're sitting on breaks from all their sighs. Meanwhile, in the Challenge, it's a back and forth, back and forth, between the teams. Caleb scores, then Cupcake scores, then Crusty (with her ears and nose tumbling down the slide alongside of her) scores.


Finally, with one point away from victory for the Benihana's, we have HayDouche v. Gervase. The music is thumping, Ciera is on the sidelines absentmindedly chewing on one of Crusty's fingers in nervousness and the tension is thick. The two men slide down the slide, grab their rings and toss. And toss! And toss! And, oh my god, it's so close.... Toss! BENIHANA WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at WangChung, we finally, not of our own free will, get a chance to get up close and personal with Creepy Creepster. Creepster is a strange sort of a gal. She has a habit of shrugging her shoulders and making loud declarations that makes an already awkward moment even more awkward. Let's call it a "Shruglaration." For example, upon returning to camp, Creepster stands in the middle of everyone getting situated and shrugs her shoulders, "Well, I guess I get to experience Tribal Council for the first time." Her delivery is almost accusatory as if to say, "Thanks to you dummies losing I have to go to Tribal Council now." Then she puts her hands on her hips and just stands there. Her lips furl and she just waits, but no one replies. No one ever replies. Instead someone somewhere clears their throat while everyone else fidgets their feet uneasily in the sand.


Gervase, innocently minding his own business with that badonkadonk of his, is all of a sudden interrupted with the Creepster's mosey. And she does mosey. Like John Wayne, she moseys. Uh oh, here she comes, Gervase. Gird your loins. *mosey, mosey, shrug shoulders* "It'll be fine. I'm not going anywhere. I'm still packing though!" And then she waits. And waits. And waits for a reply. Gervase quietly wrings out his bathing suit and the second Creepster turns her head, he scurries back to camp to hide behind the shelter. Gervase isn't scared of much in this game, but Creepster creeps him out!


Creepster isn't finished yet. She's not even close to being finished. She has many more people to make feel icky and weird. Next up is Tina and KitKat. Uh oh, here she comes... *mosey, mosey, shrug* "Those sweet little friends of yours don't like you. You know, girls. Girls have rivalries. Women... sheesh!" And then she waits. And waits. Little did she know that she was dropping her "Shruglaration" on a girl whose head is filled with candy corn and jelly beans. KitKat stares at Creepster confused and asks, "What?" Creepster shifts her hips, shrugs her shoulders and says, "Women! They'll get ya every time. I felt it." KitKat asks again, "Huh?" Creepster looks to Tina for help, but Tina quickly removes her teeth and tosses them over her shoulder. She's staying out of this! Creepster tries again, "Just thought I'd throw that out there. Eh heh." KitKat stares wide-eyed back at Creepster and slowly sidles away to hide with the others behind the shelter.

While the others are covering themselves with palm leaves hoping Creepster doesn't discover them, Medusa is out on the boat with Aras. She tells us how she has gotten so close with Aras that they don't even need to speak of their alliance. They can simply look into each other's eyes and know they are one. While that is all well and good, it is also a bunch of hooey. The reason Aras never talks to Medusa about their alliance together is because THEY DON'T HAVE AN ALLIANCE TOGETHER! As far as Aras is concerned, Medusa is as important to him as the Thai woman back home he sees weekly for his rub downs. He goes in, strips off his clothes, gets massaged, happy ending, $20 on the counter... see ya next week! No more, no less.

So imagine how shocked Medusa would be if she knew that her telepathic buddy, Aras, is the one pushing for her to go home. Oh sure, Creepster is really freaky and annoying, but Aras thinks that Medusa could beat that pesky Pythagoras on Rhode Island making Monica all the more loyal to him. Personally, I don't understand this logic at all. I think it's whacky and makes a lot of assumptions. One assumption being that if Medusa were to reenter the game that she won't immediately turn everyone on her tribe to stone. Nevertheless! Aras quickly convinces Cupcake (with a simple smoldering look) and the plan is set in motion.


And this brings us to Tribal Council. Shiny and glistening in a flattering teal, Dimples turns his attention to the old-timers to find out how it is to be back playing Survivor. Gervase is animated and excited with his hands hither and thither, "Yeah man, this game is different! These people make moves!" Tina nods in agreement, "You know Dimples, back in my day we had to walk 18 miles to get water. 18! We didn't have shoes or machetes or, you know, FOOD! I can't believe all the food! By Day 5 I've played, and eaten, more than I ever did in my old season." Day 5? Oh dear, Tina might have a touch of the Alzheimer's. If I thumb through my Survivor notes, I see that early in the game Tina was the one who REFUSED to play or talk strategy. Remember? With Fancy Pants (Colton)?

Dimples then turns his attention to Monica and asks her how Blood v. Water changes things up. *raises hand* May I answer that, Dimples? It makes it boring! For the love of god, Blood v. Water is BORING. Boring, boring, boring. I hate it! I hate Rhode Island. I hate burning Idol clues. I hate cry babies! I hate it! *sigh* Maybe I'm being unfair. Some of the family drama is titillating. Perhaps it is Rhode Island that is chapping my ass. I despise Rhode Island with a fiery passion. It changes the way is game is played (or not played as the case may be) and it really ticks me off! Alright, sorry about the outburst, but it's been festering within me for a few weeks now.


Alright, so Bitch Dimples then turns to Creepster and asks her why she's even there. Thank god Bitch Dimples is here to save the day!

"Creepster, do you belong out here?"
"Well, Dimples... "
"Everyone wanted to play with Rupert instead. He's tie-dye! He's Rupert! You're you."
"I'm a part of this tribe now."
"Do you deserve to be here?"
"Yes, I deserve to be here. I fish, I help, I play. Yeah, I deserve to be here."
"Heh heh, that's what everyone says when they're about to be voted out."
"True."
"You're not Rupert!"
And scene.

Wow. I wonder who Dimples wants voted out tonight.


Alright, let's get to it. Enough dilly dallying. By a vote of you-never-saw-it-coming, Medusa you are the 5th person voted out of Survivor: Blood v. Water.

So, what did you guys think of the episode last night? Did the right Laura get voted out? Is Tyson thrilled to have his lover all to himself? Are leper parts around your camp contagious? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Who Wants To Take A Lick?


There are times in life where the proverbial light bulb switches on overhead and suddenly everything makes sense. All the puzzle pieces line up and an image begins to form. Today, that image is of a sniveling spoiled brat who didn't get his way so he cried wee wee wee all the way home. Soft and pink, squidgy and moist, the madras wearing fop has been running from life's curve balls ever since the moment he could form complete sentences. When the three syllable word came up in that spelling bee in 2nd grade, he quickly clutched his sides and muttered, "I think it's the rabies!" When it was down to him and his nemesis for class president and the votes weren't going his way, he collapsed in phony agony and cried, "My ovarian cysts!" When the letter from the prestigious university arrived and the first sentence read, "We regret to inform you...", he grabbed his ankle, hobbled out of the room and moaned, "These anal fissures are killing me!" And so it was for the Survivor no one wanted. His parents learned to accept it and look the other way. They chalked it up to a flair for the dramatic and hoped one day their son would be a great stage actress like the Dame Reynold. That, or a con artist grifter on the lam. Either or. Let's recap, shall we?


We continue our flamboyant Filipino tale just as the sun is peeking over the horizon and making her presence known. Her warmth caresses and gently nudges the WangChung's (Galang) awake asking them to prepare for the day. It is here that angular string bean Tyson slides on his dungarees to reveal a most succulent adornment... a cupcake belt. He found it one weekend while antiquing along Salt Lake City's Interstate 15. It was just sitting there all by itself in between the Nutter Butter's and the prophylactics, but the second Tyson laid eyes on it, he knew he had to have it. The cupcake symbolizes innocence, joy and merriment. Unless your name is Aras. If your name is Aras, the cupcake is an evil temptress meant to entice and tease.

Unable to stop the drool from spilling out of the corners of his mouth, Aras flees the camp in an effort to collect himself and get his head back into the game and off of Tyson's "cupcake holder". In doing so, he stumbles over a large branch and finds himself face to face with none other than Fancy Pants (Colton). With a furrow in his brow and a strange look of boredom on his face, Fancy Pants asks Aras if his future in the game is looking a little less than rosy. Aras shrugs his shoulders and pats Fancy Pants on the back, "Yeah, but just enjoy yourself. You never know when someone will do something stupid." Fancy Pants sighs as his lips form an angry thin line. This is not the reply he wanted to hear.


And this brings us to Rhode Island (Redemption Island). The outcasts, shuffling in their leg irons, are marched in one behind the other. Candice, Frowny (Marissa) and Rachel enter the arena with their heads down as Tyson looks on lost in a sneer. Tyson is no fool and immediately he knows that Rachel was voted out in an effort to get him to take her place and move to Rhode Island. Rachel confirms Tyson's suspicions and says that everyone is falling under Pythagoras' (Brad) spell. Hearing this, Tyson turns toward the Benihana's (Tadhana) and delivers a warning, "Watch out because if you see me in Rhode Island, none of you have a chance in hell."

Pythagoras, sitting quietly, smiles smugly to himself which immediately sets off Tyson. He points accusingly in Pythagoras' direction as Pythagoras espouses how hard it is to vote someone out week after week knowing a loved one will be upset over it. Unable to keep her mouth shut any longer, Frowny jumps in and yells at Pythagoras for playing the game so stupidly by repeatedly voting out strong players instead of weak ones. Pythagoras shrugs his shoulders with a cocky smirk, "It's Survivor, baby." Oh no he di'in't. Oh yes he did! The ticking time bomb that is Frowny can't hold it in any longer and she screams, "Fuck you Brad Culpepper!" In the stands, Monica winces and crawls under her seat as Gervase nervously yells, "Frowny, tone it down!"


Meanwhile, a powdered man-boy softly sniffles to himself and dabs at nonexistent tears with a lace handkerchief. When he doesn't get a reaction from the crowd, he sniffles even louder causing Dimples to sigh and reluctantly ask Fancy Pants, "What are you crying about?" Fancy Pants replies, "I don't want to be here anymore." Dimples rolls his eyes giving way to the following exchange...


"You're quitting again?"
"I can't do this."
"You came back a second time because you said you changed. You're doing the exact opposite!"
"I don't care about this tribe. I want them all to die."
"Well, that's clear because you're punishing them by costing them a tribe member in a game about numbers."
"Well, maybe that's the best move for me."
"A very SELFISH move."
"Well... I peed in the water supply and took a dump in Gervase's shoes so I think I should probably go home now. I had typhoid fever once during a game of dodge ball and I really don't want to get it again."
"So this is you quitting a second time? The first time was when you feigned appendicitis, but you didn't have it. You want to own that one now?"
*bites fist... oh snap!*
"I don't know what it was. Appendicitis, a bacterial infection, a mosquito bite..."

Tina then opens her mouth and tries to contribute, "Mwarm mwah mwyum." Oh dear, Tina forgot her teeth again. Long story short, Fancy Pants knows he doesn't have a black person's chance at a KKK rally to win this game so instead of sitting around waiting to be voted out, he'd rather sit on his Restoration Hardware sofa and thumb through the new Brooks Brothers catalog. Dimples, who has hopefully learned his lesson on stunt casting, points Fancy Pants in the direction of the exit sign. Good riddance!


Fancy Pants may have sashayed his way out of the game, but we've still got a Rhode Island fight to the death to get to. For today's Challenge, you will stack a bunch of dominoes, knock them over, release a ball and smash a plate. The last one to smash their plate is out of the game forever. Candice, the challenge dominator, once again smokes her competition and finishes in first place and once again rewards Wifey (John) with another clue for the Hidden Immunity Idol. After a tense stand off between Frowny and Rachel, with lots of false starts are redo's, Frowny narrowly edges out Rachel and is safe! This means we must bid adieu to Rachel. Rachel, we hardly knew ye. Later!


Back at camp, the WangChung's sympathetically pat Tyson on the back and mourn the loss of Rachel. Did she die? No. Does she have the typhoid Fancy Pants planted at camp? No. Nonetheless! Tyson is suddenly a sniffling puddle of a tears. OK, so I need to interject here. This new soft Tyson is not the Tyson of yesteryear. This new cupcake wearing Tyson has feelings and things and I don't like it. I tell you, I don't like it! Fancy Pants may have been wrong about a lot of things, but one thing he was right about was wanting to play the game. Come on WangChungs! You're an embarrassment to your fellow Survivor alumni sitting at home all pissed off they didn't get invited back. Hug and rub each other on your own time not on my time.


Meanwhile at Benihana, the tribe is shaking their heads and musing over what just happened at Rhode Island. Pythagoras then asks the group, "Am I being a tyrant?" The Benihana's all look at the ground and awkwardly kick the sand around, "No, not at all. What? Tyrant? Who?"

With nothing much to do but laze around and keep the fire lit, Wifey decides that now is the time to try to find that pesky Hidden Immunity Idol again. The first clue, with exact latitude and longitude points, was way too vague so maybe the new clue will steer him in the right direction. Wifey steals away into the trees, trips over a ceramic necklace with the face of a Filipino warrior and opens up his second clue... Look down you moron! Wifey scratches his head and talks to himself, "Look down, look down... like down under the water? Down where?!" Realizing that he'll never find the Hidden Immunity Idol all on his own, Wifey whispers the clues to Pythagoras and asks him where he thinks the Idol might be hiding. Pythagoras jumps up to help Wifey search for the Idol, but Wifey quickly stops him and says, "Oh no, I don't want you to help me. I just want you to tell me. You stay here. I'll go find it." Hearing this, Pythagoras begins to wonder to himself if he can really trust Wifey. Is Wifey one of his guys or is Wifey a shady pie baker waiting for his lady to return to the game?


Later on in the day, both tribes collect their Tree Mail and discover that they will be going head to head with their loved ones in a gladiator style duel to the death. The WangChung's gasp with excitement and giggle at the idea of beating up their loved ones. But over at Benihana the mood is quite different. Yogi Vytas hears the Tree Mail and nervously asks Pythagoras to spar with him in preparation for the Challenge. As we learned when the season began, Yogi Vytas and Aras have a complicated sibling rivalry that stems from Aras being the Golden Child who is loved and adored by his parents and Yogi Vytas being the back alley junkie who was locked out of the house on a regular basis. Nothing would make Yogi Vytas happier than finally shoving Aras on his ass and, fingers crossed, knocking out a few of his teeth to boot!


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge you will battle one on one... Sumo style! You will use a bag to knock your opponent into the water before a mischievous Hawkman begins to play with his remote control and tilt the both of you into the deep abyss. The first tribe to five points wins Immunity and a Reward of comfort - a tarp, pillows, blankets and a mosquito net. Survivors ready, go!


The battles begin as both tribes manage to score back and forth, back and forth, in the first rounds. As the balance in the scoring continues to shift so does the familial tension. Tina is positively gum smacking giddy when Laura B. shoves her daughter Katie into the water while Yogi Vytas fist pumps excitedly watching Wifey push Aras off the platform.


But it is during HayDouche (Hayden) V. Tyson do we get a visit from a long time friend. Say hello to Dr. Ramona, bitches! Dr. Ramona is a Survivor favorite who, with one word, can ruin lives and destroy dreams. Will she do it again today? *shrugs shoulders* Ouch! Speaking of shoulders, HayDouche bulldozed Tyson into the water dislocating Tyson's shoulder in the process. Tyson immediately tossed up his white flag and was ready to be done with Survivor once and for all. Dr. Ramona, however, has a different recommendation, "It's goord yew dislocayterd youra sholda becawrz nowr yew'll have betta rayenge uf moition." (The Australian accent is a complicated mystery.) In other words, Tyson, take back your white flag. You can still play.


With a score of 3-2 and the Benihana's in the lead, we finally get that family face off we've been waiting for. Next up is Tina V. Katie. Tina is wrinkly and shaky on spindly legs, but she's a tough old broad. Katie, on the other hand, has youth and resentment on her side... "You wouldn't let me go to the Fall Out Boy concert with my friends!" The battle begins as mother and daughter stare into each other's eyes. Tina flips her teeth upside down and goes cross eyed causing Katie to burst into giggles and giving Tina the opening she was hoping for. Whoosh! Buh bye Katie. The score is now 3-3.



Next up is the battle we've all been waiting for. Brother V. Brother. Aras V. Yogi Vytas. For this duel, the Hawkman shows no mercy. He demands a good fight and will do anything possible to ensure he gets it.


With the platform twisting and turning and the spikes coming and going, the brothers push and shove with brute force. With the Hawkman cackling in the background, the brothers come to a standstill as Aras kneels on top of Yogi. Aras, being the good brother, decides to let Yogi get to his feet and collect himself. Yogi, the evil brother, decides instead to lunge at Aras' legs and take him by surprise. It was a sneaky move, but as we all know good will always triumph over evil and Vytas will still be locked out of the house. With that said, Aras wins the point and the score is now 4-3.


Last up is another mother/daughter combo - Medusa (Laura) V. Ciera. Medusa readies herself in front of her daughter and wipes away a stray tear. Dimples quickly lowers his hand and shouts, "Go!" With a shove and a cry, "You made me a grandmother at 39, you little trollop!!!", Medusa wins the point and WANGCHUNG WINS IMMUNITY!!!


Back at Benihana the mood is mopey and morose. The tribe is regretting some of the choices they made while Yogi Vytas trembles with the shakes and wonders to himself if poppies grow in The Philippines. In an effort to get his tribe back on track, Pythagoras pulls the Dudes aside for a Dude meeting where the manly men discuss who is going home next. Wifey has extremely strong feelings about Katie and is pissed off that she not only lost to her 60 year old mother, but giggled after she lost. Giggled! The nerve! On the other hand, Katie does help Wifey out in the kitchen while Ciera sits on her ass and does nothing. Those pies aren't going to bake themselves, you know. Yogi, defeated and depressed, shrugs his shoulders and mumbles, "I don't care who goes home."

Ultimately, the Dudes decide that Ciera will be going home tonight. But for now, for the rest of the afternoon, they'll enjoy themselves and not worry about a thing. With a coconut cream pie (shaved coconut inside of a coconut shell and topped with foamy sea water) in the oven and nothing else to do, Wifey decides to go hunting for the Hidden Immunity Idol again. But the second Wifey steals away, Pythagoras whispers to the rest of the Dudes that Wifey is the one who needs to go home tonight. He reasons that Candice is killing it at Rhode Island and if she rejoins the game with Wifey and his Idol, then it could be mean big trouble for all of them down the road. Pythagoras will no longer have control over Wifey. Candice will!

Armed with his plans for a colossal blindside, Pythagoras skips over to the girls and tells them that unless they vote for Wifey tonight, then one of them will be going home. The girls' silence and uneasy shiftiness only fuels Pythagoras' ego even more. When that pesky pride starts churning in your belly you tend to burp out hasty and stinky things. And this is exactly what happens to Pythagoras. With his chest puffed out and his scheme to get rid of Wifey going according to plan, Pythagoras then tells the girls that he'll just go ahead and throw a vote in Wifey's direction in case he comes back into the game later on down the road.

Quietly listening to all of this is Yogi Vytas. Yogi is a smart and articulate guy. He's crafty too - most criminals are. So when Yogi comes up with the idea to get rid of Pythagoras instead of Wifey, I cheered him on and tapped a vein in solidarity. This is going to be so exciting! Yogi will slither and scheme. He'll avoid tripping any alarms and finally- finally! - he'll succeed at something his brother would have never conceived. Patiently, I watched Yogi workshop his idea to get rid of Pythagoras to the girls. Naturally, the girls are ecstatic. They can't stand Pythagoras and would love nothing more than to blindside his ass out of the game. Conversely, when he mentions the idea to his fellow Dudes, they are noncommittal and vague.

(Cain Leads Abel To His Death by James Tissot)

Yogi then does what I suspect he's done all his life... he second guesses himself. His inner monologue might have gone something like, "Oh, who am I kidding? I can never pull this off. Aras would be able to pull it off. Aras is perfect! Perfect and shiny and golden. God, I hate him. I HATE HIM!!!" And then Vytas threw in the towel, gathered his belongings and headed to Tribal Council.


And voila! Here we are at Tribal. Dimples begins by pointing and laughing at the Benihana's for losing yet again for a third time. He also points out how the men were the only people to score in the Flash Gordon Challenge. Dimples asks Wifey if this was a factor in deciding who to vote out tonight. Wifey nods that it is definitely a factor. He's a brawny dude who knows his way around an Easy Bake Oven. It would be hard for any girl to go up against that.

Dimples then turns to the girls and gleefully points out how both of them got their asses kicked by the crotchety old mothers. Katie sighs and says it was frustrating as Ciera nods and agrees that it was totally embarrassing.

The conversation then shifts to how the men seem to be in control of the tribe and how the women are being picked off one by one. Yogi Vytas, with his eyes shining in the firelight, comments that actually the tribe dynamics aren't as simple as men versus women. Trust is the currency of the day, not sex. It's hard not to like Yogi Vytas in moments like these... moments where he is strong in his conviction and eloquent. If we could only smoosh that little devil sitting on his shoulder like Tina smooshed her daughter back in the Challenge, we could have a new shiny golden Baskauskas brother not called Aras.

We then turn our attention to Pythagoras, back from his summer stock appearance in Show Boat, who is more than happy to take all the credit for being the tribe kingpin. But, you know Dimples, being a kingpin isn't all it's cracked up to be. It makes you sensitive, it makes you a target, and it makes you wear your baseball cap backwards even though you're like in your 40's.


Alright, enough of this. Let's get to the vote! By a vote of Key Lime to Pumpkin, Wifey is the 3rd person voted out of Survivor: Blood V. Water.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Will CBS ever stop its stunt casting (HA!)? Why is Tyson so hormonal this season? Will Yogi Vytas ever follow through with one of his plans? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!