Thursday, February 14, 2013

I Will Eat This Rock



Fans v. Favorites. Two groups diverge in green jungle. One, freshly scrubbed and shiny. Sprightly and pert. The other, slovenly and wrinkled. Tattered and rumpled with wisdom and age. The first, a group of fawns teetering on new legs. Shaky and trepidatious. Sinking in the powdery sand with wide eyes and giggles. The second, seasoned sages and feathered shamans. Pocketing indigenous fauna. Harvesting fruit and berries to pickle for the rainy season. Two vastly different groups of pioneers brought together by circumstance, happenstance, one last chance. Another 39 days of living deliberately and sucking the marrow out of Reynold, I mean... life. Sucking the marrow out of life. Thoreau went into the woods with purpose and so do our twenty new friends. Their purpose, though different from Thoreau's, is no less significant. Savage wildebeests clawing through the mud for a shortcut to a payday (a flimsy piece of bark with tree rot and a Canadian penny if you're Jeff Kent). Hurling decorum over the edge of a grand structure and watching it smash into a million tiny pieces (400,000 tiny pieces if you're Jeff Kent). That's right, bitches. I'm back. The winter of our discontent has left the building and all that sits in its place is a salad bowl full of blue glitter, a lock of Golden Boy's hair and a brand new package of double AA batteries. Let's recap, shall we?


We open with a chicka. You know the one. The one that slices through the air and careens through the jungle thick. *chicka chicka chicka* Frantic blades emerge from puffy clouds and we hear him, our Dimples (Jeff Probst), "This is the Caramoan Islands. A stunning paradise and dangerous wilderness where the lemur people roam free." Derived from the word lemures meaning "ghosts or spirits", these preternatural poppycocks will serve as our guides during this barbaric sojourn. The answers we seek lie in the inky blackness of their enormous eyes. For what others might miss, the lemur always sees. Nocturnal and cagy. Flitting from branch to branch. Re-hiding Immunity Idols before the castaways arrive at camp, these naughty tricksters just might be the searching hands that grope you in the middle of the night. Or it could be Reynold. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows.

Speaking of Reynold and other names we've never heard before, a gaggle of Fans sits in thoughtful repose atop a rickety raft as a tiny Filipino in a canoe paddles them into shore. Meanwhile, overhead, two Blackhawks whiz hither and thither. Spasmodic white caps topple the raft held together by rubber bands and pipe cleaners. Sand tornadoes dance tarantellas on the beach. This wild fit of folly gives way to a piece of rock. A majestic and towering Prudential rock. Atop it stands a dandy.


Fetching in teal, we see Dimples. At home, my lips drew taut into a thin line as I thought to myself, "Why isn't this an air entry?!?" But then, before the anger could bubble, I squeed (and peed) with glee. Not only can we ask ourselves how Dimples got to the top of that rock in the first place, but he danced for us! You may have missed it, but there was choreography there, my friends. Allow me to break it down.


*left leg jauntily astride the highest peak*
"39 Days... 20 People..."
*right hand sternly juts index finger into the air*
"ONE..."
*both hands quickly move to hips*
"SURVIVOR!!!"


All the while the Blackhawks glided to a carefully choreographed foxtrot in the background. Blades narrowly missing one another. Dimples digging his heels in for dear life. How did he stay on that rock? How did he not blow away? He's Dimples, dammit!

Inching its way through alligator infested waters, the rickety Raft O'Fans makes its way ashore. Hipster cool in a straw fedora and plaid shirt, Michael casually tosses his satchel over his shoulder as he disembarks the water craft and promptly topples over. Whether it was the weight of his man purse or first day jitters, we'll never know for Michael is no longer with us. Remember how I said those waters were alligator infested? *chomp chomp* Adieu Michael, we hardly knew thee.


Waiting impatiently, Dimples barks, "Come on in! Leave him. Just leave the arm. We'll send a P.A. in later to gather the remains. By the way, Welcome to the Caramoan Islands!" The Fans whoop and cheer with elation. Amongst them is a very excitable blonde Sandra Bullock lookalike formerly known as "Sherri", but to you and I, she will now be called Gracie Lou Freebush. "Freebush" for short.

Dimples then tells the Fans that they will be playing against 10 of their most favorite Survivors. I take issue with the word "Favorite" (*ahem Francopacabana*), but let's not be petty. Let's bring in those crotchety old coots! And in they swoop, the Blackhawks. As they descend in tandem, waves roll ashore knocking down the Fans like bowling pins. Sand swirls into their eyes and nether regions as one by one the Favorites are paraded out:

Cochran, Dawn, Corinne, Mascaroni (Andrea), Erik, Golden Boy (Malcolm), Mowgli (Brenda), Lil Hantz (Brandon), Francheesybread and Phillip Sheppard. For those new to this blog, the nicknames may seem overwhelming at the start, but I'll have you know that Malcolm will only respond to you if you call him "Golden Boy" in real life. The players are their nicknames. The nicknames are the players. It's a Bitchy institution so get used to it. The Favorites tribe will be known as Baklava (Bikal).

As for the Fans, we have: Julia, Shamar, Hope, Eddie, Freebush (Sherri), Michael, Matt, Laura, Reynold and Allie. Their nicknames will develop over time. The Fans tribe will henceforth be known as Goiter (Gota).


So, let's get this show on the road with a Reward Challenge. Two members from each tribe will race to retrieve a ring. They will then work together to get back to the flagpole with the ring in hand. The first tribe member to have one hand on the flagpole and one on the ring scores a point for their tribe. Wanna know what you're playing for? Flint and a 20 pound back of beans. There's definitely a fart joke in there somewhere. Survivors ready, go!

First up is Erik/Dawn and Julia/Shamar. Erik may have 800 lbs of unruly hair atop his head, but the guy can run. And run he does! He runs to the ring and then is promptly run into the ground by the behemoth Shamar. Fans lead 1-0. But not for long as Mascaroni manages to score for the Favorites in the next round. We are now tied.


Rather than go through every... single... round, let's dim the lights and get to the round I know you're all waiting for. Put on some smooth jazz and light a candle or two because next up is Golden Boy/Corinne and Reynold/Allie. Out of the gate the strapping lads race to remove my NuvaRing... I mean, race to get the floaty ringy thingy waiting for them (my NuvaRing). Reynold grabs the ring seconds before Golden Boy can. Golden Boy, with hair cascading down his shoulders and intensity in his eyes, leaps out of the water and tackles Reynold. *fans self* The lads tug back and forth, back and forth, creating waves. Tiny disrobing waves. Tiny naughty horny waves. Waves that have the ability to REMOVE GOLDEN BOY'S SHORTS FROM HIS ASS. *hurls twenties at the TV* 


The tussle continues as the two grope and yank. At home, I put the Magic Mike soundtrack on the stereo and giggled into my glass of Chardonnay. Onscreen, Allie leapt on top of Golden Boy under the guise of trying to steal the ring. I know what you're up to, lady. Don't you tell me that grinding against a nekkid Golden Boy is about winning some beans. It's about doing the hibbidy dibbidy is what it is! In the end, nudity is the way to go for our Golden Boy. He should compete naked from here on out. All the time. Not only does he get the point, but he wins the entire match and a bag of beans. FAVORITES WIN REWARD!!! *collapses onto the bed and lights a cigarette*


Over at Goiter, the Fans are getting acquainted with their new home and deciding what to do first. Duck Dynasty (Matt) wants to build a shelter. To him, that's the most important thing right now. And as all bearded fellows with tattoos covering their front and back, Duck is a crackerjack little builder as well as an effective foreman. In a matter of minutes, he has the entire tribe cutting beams, laying brick, installing plumbing and all the rest of it. Well, almost the entire tribe. You see, Shamar wants water and he wants it now. This overgrown Veruca Salt is more of a 12 yr old girl with an attitude problem than he is a former marine. Instead of politely suggesting that a few of them perhaps work on a fire, he lambasts the dumb asses for wasting their time on something the tribe doesn't need. Duck, matter of factly, retorts, "I'm not a fire guy. I'm a shelter guy." No, you're a glorious frog catching specimen who sometimes eats squirrel for breakfast. Please introduce me to your brother Jase when the show is over.


Frustrated and sore from his new boobies coming in, Shamar sits and pouts on the end of the shelter - the SHELTER he'll be happily sleeping in tonight thanks to Duck. The muttering under his breath was bad enough, but then he took to mocking Duck in that way a little kid does when he's trying to make fun of someone, but can't come up with anything more clever than a silly deeper voice. Can I just say that I am SO GLAD that this douche is here on American soil and not fighting for whatever over in the Middle East? I wonder if he was dishonorably discharged for freezing the Captain's bra or putting the Major General's hand in a bowl of warm water as he slept.

Over at Baklava, the scene is very different. These seasoned veterans are already devising strategies and planning alliances. Phillip Sheppard *clicks heels and salutes* has come to the game prepared this time around. Like his father in Iwo Jima in WWII, he has already fashioned a walke talkie out of a banana leaf and some twigs so he can radio both Langley and his spirit animal. In addition, he has dream catchers embedded into the soles of his sneakers. And if you know anything about the great Cherokee Chief, He Who Wears Sagging Panties, then you know that a dreamcatcher can serve as a talisman of strength in addition to a fetching window adornment.

In preparation for one Mr. Phillip Sheppard's return to the game, I've been boning up on my Native American history. In fact, over the break I have acquired my very own Native American name:



Your Native American Name Is: Onawa Tayanita


Your name means: Wide Awake Young Beaver

You can find your very own Native American name HERE. Be sure to share it with us all in the Comments. 


So while Phillip Sheppard is hard at work building his Girl Scout Cookie Stand (he's a Girl Scout Senior Ambassador, I'll have you know), Franchipotle is eager to get a group together and ensure her first week's safety. Safely hidden in the trees with Mascaroni and Dawn (and Larry and Lana and Little LouLou - the lemur family), Franchesapeake forms what looks, on the outside, to be an alliance. Only, as quick as it was formed, it gets hijacked by Mascaroni who insists on bringing that bespectacled paradigm of loyalty, Cochran, into the fold. Dawn, too, gets excited by the heat of the moment and suggests Lil Hantz as a fifth. Elbowing Franchiliconcarne to the side, Mascaroni adds Phillip to the shopping list Dawn whipped out of her purse and voila! They have six people now. Francholesterol is in no place to disagree or argue. All homegirl wants is to get through week one. So, for now, she'll happily be in an alliance with Phillip Sheppard - an alliance he is completely unaware of.

And speaking of Phillip Sheppard, Franchucknorris has some fences to mend with the Special Agent. With Phillip busy digging a trench circle around where the shelter will go, Francraigslist gingerly approaches and tries to make nice. It's a disturbing scene of awkward forced giggles and unseemly fidgeting. Phillip Sheppard simply ignores the poor girl while hiding his rock collection into the dirt wall of the trench. He'll camouflage the area with a sign that says "Out Of Order" to keep Nosy Parkers away. But still, the song remains the same. Phillip Sheppard is firm in his stance on Francalifornia - she annoys him. It's as simple as that. 


Back at Goiter, the Fans have decided to go ahead and try their hand at making fire, but they're doing it all wrong. Finally! Finally, a chance for Shamar to put away his burn book and step up and be the marine he was meant to be. And wouldn't you know it? When they put their minds to it, the Fans work well together with everyone pitching in. The music swells as they make their fire and even Duck and Shamar manage to hug it out. 

Over at Baklava, it is once again The Phillip Sheppard Show (plan on this for as long as he's on the show). Instead of letting us get to see tribe dynamic and what Golden Boy is wearing right this very second, we get Phillip spouting off a list of rules, BR Rules, that he has compiled based on data he received from Boston Rob.
#1 - Get an alliance.
#2 - Get a sub-alliance.
#3 - Get rid of your alliance before they get rid of you. 
#4 - Get the cookie money upfront.
#5 - Arm the lemurs with slingshots in case anyone thinks of ignoring "Out Of Order" sign.

I've got to hand it to him. With the lemurs on his side, he can't lose. And with their sophisticated system of clacks and yelps, of which Phillip Sheppard is fluent, they can carry messages from player to player, camp to camp, base camp to the submarine positioned offshore, trench to satellite overhead. The possibilities are limitless. 

And so, with swift precision, Phillip puts together an alliance of Corinne (The Dominatrix), Mascaroni (The Eliminator) and Golden Boy (The Fornicator). His plan is to stay in the background and let the others do all the work for him. So naturally, Phillip loafs around camp in his bright pink panties and openly approaches even more people. Dawn, Cochran and that Troll Doll, Erik, are the last 3 to receive their assignments - "Bee in the MeSS HAll at ZeRo DaRK 30. Don't 4Get 2 bRIng yOur COOKie smILES. This messidge wiLL self-DEstruct in 10 secONds." And then 6 lemurs in Girl Scout sashes pooped on the very messages everyone was holding in their hands. Messy, but effective. 


Speaking of alliances, the Goiters have an alliance too. They're called the Heathers and it is made up of Eddie, Reynold, Hope and Allie. Reynold thinks it was serendipity that brought them together while Eddie thinks it is just natural for the best looking people to want to hang out with each other. Except for Allie. If you ask Reynold, "She's not the cutest." In fact, "She's not the anything." BUT, she's totally good enough to feel up in the middle of the night and do some booby squishing with. So, with the bamboo floor creaking and the night rats nibbling at their toes, Reynold and Allie rock back and forth in a loving embrace on the first night of Survivor Caramoan. *smacks self in head* Dammit, dammit, dammit. Allie was my early favorite out of the Fans. Look, I'm all for wanton sex on reality shows, but not on Survivor! Not when the castaways smell like the underside of Phillip Sheppard's ball sack.


Back over at Baklava, we finally get to spend some quality time with my favorite ginger from Virginia, Cochran. Bespectacled and spindly, Cochran always brings me great joy. So imagine my delight when my gangly fop now has 2 plump roasted red peppers for tootsies. You see, this sort of thing happens all the time with brainy fellows. They can recite theorems off the top of their heads with ease, but when it comes to knowing that the sun in the sky will scorch fine porcelain skin untouched by the outdoors, they're clueless! But Cochran being Cochran does what he does best, he turn a foible into a strength and delights the ladies with self-deprecating humor. 


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge you will race out in pairs and climb a 4-story tower. Once inside, you will find and hurl 3 crates filled with sandbags over the side of the structure. Once you've smashed your crates, you will race back down and another pair will continue. Once you've smashed all of your crates from all 4 floors, one person will toss the sandbags and try to land them in their designated spots. Survivors ready, go!

For level one, we have Cochran/Phillip and Freebush/Laura. Both race into the structure, hurl their crates and race back down at roughly the same speed. When Franconcubine/Corinne and Michael/Hope burst into the building, the Fans gain a slight lead over the Favorites only to have it wiped away when that mess of curls Erik flies up the ladders. What Erik started, Lil Hantz finished as he widens the lead over the Fans and passes off to Golden Boy for sandbag duty. 


With Golden Boy with one sandbag on the board, Reynold starts to toss for the Fans and, unbeknownst to everyone everywhere, there is such a thing as cornhole champion. Unfortunately for Golden Boy, Reynold is that champion as FANS WIN IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Baklava the mood isn't all that depressing. I get a feeling that they're slightly bummed, but these hardened veterans are used to having disappointment in their blood. They've all had their torches snuffed and experienced the humiliation of having their fellow brethren scribble their name down on a piece of parchment. It's part of the game. It'll probably happen again. No biggie. Unless you're name is Francubagoodingjr. If you're name is Francharlizetheron, you are totally flipping out right now and trying not to be the first one voted out for a SECOND time. The problem with Francupofnoodles is that she's kind of annoying. It's not even something specific that I can put my finger on. She's not crazy like Phillip Sheppard and she seems perfectly nice and with good intentions, but ugh. I just can't stand her on this show! Maybe it's her presumption that she's safe. The fact that she feels comfortable to go to everyone and whisper "Phillip" into their ears is a little pompous, no? No offense, but I'd never let someone who essentially hasn't played the game tell me how to vote.

So there sits Franconquistador in a moderately sizable group of people announcing, "Phillip." The look on Cochran's eyes was a mixture of "Thank god!" and "Man, is she screwing up!" You could tell by the way he shifted side to side in his overly roomy khaki pants that Francoconut was doing a bang up job digging her own grave. While this sort of thing serves Cochran well, the awkward nature of it all makes his allergies (and his feet) flare up.


Unfortunately for Franchickencordonbleu, Mascaroni was in that large group listening to her suggest they get rid of Phillip and the tattletale in her is just itching to run and tell The Specialist. Now, I'm not sure what happened to Mascaroni between her last season and this current season, but she's not who she used to be. On camera and off. If you'll remember, I was a big fan of hers back in the day. Well, things change. Seasons change. People change. Anyhow, like I said, Mascaroni is a tattletale and she runs to Phillip to tell him that Francorrugatedcardboard wants him out. My problem with this maneuver is that Mascaroni was the one who initiated the alliance with Francallmemaybe in the first place! She was one of the original architects. It is all very strange to me. Maybe she's trying to make up for being a doe-eyed boy crazy player last time around. Who knows. 

Naturally, this is all music to Phillip's ears. Like Machiavelli who said something about killing children and villages and families, Phillip would like nothing more than to do the same thing to Franchaiselounge. There is one thing standing in the way of Phillip's Machiavellian utopia though and that someone is the human mop, Erik. When Phillip was asking Erik to join his army, Erik stared into Phillip's eyes and heard words come out of his mouth that I'm not sure he even said. Then again, when Phillip speaks my eyes tend to glaze over so who knows if he threatened the kid or not. *shrugs shoulders* Long story short, Erik is all bunged up about it and doesn't take kindly to threats. He tells Lil Hantz that he wants Phillip gone, but he is worried that Phillip has the numbers to stay. Lil Hantz generously passes this news onto Francrispyduck who is simultaneously stunned and skeptical that Phillip could actually have an alliance in place.


And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples pops the Tribal cherry by asking Lil Hantz if there is a boss back at camp. Lil Hantz replies that they're all Indians with no Chiefs or Chiefs with no Indians. I can't remember, but I do know that Lil Hantz's Native American name is "Shameless One With Three Fingers". So there. 

The topic of discussion then turns to Phillip and Franchoppedliver's rivalry. Instantly, Phillip insists that he has always known how to say Franchesqua's name, but we've seen the footage. We've seen it over and over again. Phillip knew how to say her name as much as he's really radioing Central Command with his coconut Sat Phone back at camp. Phillip could say "Francesca" with as much ease as he could dismantle the clam bomb he made back in the South Pacific. When Langley told him to stand down, he said "Aye aye Schmangley, ready to fire!" 

So it is indeed a little strange that Phillip Sheppard, Survivor class clown, is actually one of the people calling the shots. Sprinkle in the fact that he heard his name on the wind and you've got a recipe for loose cannon. Fire! Oops. I forgot that Phillip actually has cannons wired and ready to launch. 


Let's not beat around the bush any longer. If you've watched the episode 18 times like I have, then you know that every time there was a mention of the "first person voted out", the editors cut to the same face every single time - I wonder if they moonlight on America's Next Top Model - so this is no great mystery. There is no heart in throat anticipation. It is what was meant to be as Francoffeetable is the first person voted out of Survivor Caramoan. I've heard you're lovely in real life so best of luck to you. 

So, that's that. What did you think of the first episode of Survivor Caramoan? Is anyone standing out as a favorite for you? How long can Phillip's alliance remain a united front? Is Lil Hantz officially done with the dreaded "Jesus" word? Does Eddie have any idea he has a lisp? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thanks to Rob Beasley and Scott Hudson for my Survivor photos.













58 comments:

  1. Malcolm(Golden Boy) choked again,back to TC.Don't get all the love for this player.Sorry to see Fran go.Maybe Boston Rob taught Phillip to keep quiet.He wasn't as annoying as usual.No standout player yet,but I'm pulling for the fans.

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    1. Love all your names for Franwhatsherface. I'm so thankful for your blog. I zoned out as soon as the Survivors reached their camps, I didn't realize half the stuff I read happened.....oh well, maybe the next episode will be better.

      Oh, my Indian name is Chista Alaqua (Fair Sweet Gum Tree)

      Ellen

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  2. Excellent Recap (as always)I think I anticipate your recap as much as the show.

    henceforth known as Awendela Litonya (Morning Darting Hummingbird)

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  3. OH!......Graceful Vine Growing Around an Oak Tree, I need a smaller name, I will never remember all that.

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  4. You should start a drinking game for anytime Eddie talks about the "good looking people". Does he own a mirror or does he just need glasses? Great recap, I was really craving it, like a bitch craves gin, so thanks for the hook-up :)
    Yours, Nittawosew Meda which means Fertile Prophetess (no lie! lol)

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  5. Cochran reminds me of Ian from Big Brother. Using the I'm goofy and awkward and won't be a threat persona to get through the game.

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  6. ..." Not when the castaways smell like the underside of Phillip Sheppard's ball sack"

    LOL...Best line of the day.

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  7. I wasn't reading this blog back in the days of Redemption Island. What is the significance of Andrea's nickname? Mascaroni?

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    1. I think it was because she always looked like she had mascara on.

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  8. I knew Francesdontcallmefrances was toast as soon as she said half way through the show she would eat the rock if she was first again!
    Great summary!

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  9. Colette, you did not ask, but I have the nickname for the Lemur: "Knuckles".

    I'll bet I was not the only one who found myself daydreaming while watching, even fast forwarded through the tribal council, I hope that is not going to be the norm.

    I tweeted Dimples about having to watch Phillip's junk this season, Dimples replied no, he lied, the junk was out in full glory and it is very hard to ignore. I agree with Colette, this is going to be the Phillip S. show this season.

    Langundo Heskovizenako (Peaceful Porcupine Bear)

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  10. Poor Cochran! I burn and swell up like that too, so I really feel for ya! And it was so cute when you made a funny about a new Dawn. Bless your little heart.
    I thought the episode rocked, and I wish every week was a minimum of 90 minutes (5 minutes and 33 seconds if you're Jeff Kent...?)
    So glad you're back Colette! I'll actually miss reading what you come up with for Francollardgreens name every week!
    Sincerely, Faithful Singing Snow Goose

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  11. Colette: I loved your nickname for Sherri, particularly because as I soon as I saw her, I said to my wife: "thats Sandra Bullock, she's playing incognito as a suicide blonde". I hope she and Damica Patrick overthrow the Heathers. And yes, it was pretty obvious that Francescazappa was leaving first. Poor girl.
    My N.A. name is Ahiga Kachada. "Fighting White Man". I shit you not. I don't know if that means I'm a white man who fights, or if I fight white men.

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  12. None of the fans stood out for me tonight--they seem a lame bunch, most especially the ridiculous Heathers. I'm hoping Matt will go all the way this time and officially be crowned Golden Boy by Dimples himself. The idea of dealing with both Lil Hantz and Philip at once may be too much for me, though. It could be a rough season, especially if God shows up to once again torment Brandon. But great blog, as usual, Lala. Loved all the Franchespadrilles nicknames.

    Oh, and I am actually am Cherokee, and really do have an Indian name: Awi Usdi, meaning Little Deer. Not as funny as some of the above, but a proud name nonetheless.

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  13. Great start for the new season, Lala! My Native American name is: Melkedoodum Machakw (Conceited Horny Toad (ain't it the truth!!)).

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  14. So many good lines Colette. I don't know how you do it, but I do know that I need to paypal you because I get so much enjoyment out of reading your blogs.

    My favorite caption this week was hottomales.
    Favorite Fran names were Francorrugatedcardboard and Francallmemaybe. How did corrugated cardboard jump into your head I'd like to know?

    And you mentioned Dawn's shopping list again....ha! that made me laugh. some jokes never die I guess.

    My name is Olathe Mai, meaning Beautiful Coyote.

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    1. Beautiful Coyote,
      I was staring at my fireplace remembering the time I almost started a chimney fire trying to burn cardboard boxes during Hurricane Sandy. The cardboard box debacle made the house stink for weeks, but a beautiful name was born months later. And THAT, Beautiful Coyote, is the story of Francorrugatedcardboard.

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  15. Glad you're back Colette, kicking ass and assigning names. All I can do to avoid starting a class action suit against CBS for fraud. Favorites? Someone who got voted out the first week and someone we fans had never seen when this season was taped (Golden Boy)?

    But, no matter. At least Coach didn't jump out of the chopper onto the beach so I should be able to hang in there and keep watching. Too bad they didn't get the only Hantz that is worth watching but I guess Willie burned his bridges after Big Brother.

    Hard to believe that a crazy-as-a-shithouse-rat guy in pink panties is the brains of the whole operation but Special Agent does have entertainment value.

    Oh, my native American name is Powhatan O'Malley which means "you look and drink like an Irishman". I didn't get it from a search engine. I got it in a bar from a bunch of equally drunk native Americans. That oughta count for something.

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  16. That sick L'il Hantz has it in for Mascaroni already. He must get rid of anyone he is attracted to. Seriously, can he and Phillip and Cochran really be fan favorites? Back by popular demand, pink saggy undies. How can they inflict this on us again? You are all that keeps me watching, Lala.

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  17. Great recap Miss Lala.
    There was a little too much Phillip and not enough of Golden Boy. He didn't seem to be part of any alliance so I wasn't sure which way he would vote until the 11th hour. Maybe it's a little tough being the hot new stranger when everyone else have either played together or watched each others play on tv. Plus it felt like a lot of these people are back for the novelty of having crazies and loose cannons wandering around camp rather than being real threats to win. Only Malcolm and Andrea seem like real contenders at the moment.
    And possibly Erik if he's become a bit more street smart and a little less Kenneth the page.
    Your sincerely, Graceful woman who bathes with knees. (worst native american name ever!)

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    1. "Kenneth the page"...That made me laugh!

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  18. Great recap Miss Lala to welcome us to another season of Survivor. I thought the episode was pretty good. I like the new Mascaroni, she seems more aggressive although it almost got her voted out. Do The Heathers realise that 4 is not a major alliance in a group of 10? Did Francesrockeater actually eat the rock one must wonder. My Native name apparently means Lying Porcupine Bear.

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  19. Franfirstout, Franfirstout, Franfirstout, when will you ever learn?

    Lil Hantz, deciding another attractive woman is evil because you want to get into her pants is not necessarily a strategy that will work any better the second time around.

    Mascaroni, if I'd realised where the Franfirstout all-is-forgiven-can-we-get-rid-of-Philip-now grand alliance was going I would have jumped ship too.

    Dawn and Cochran, obliviousness is not next to godliness in Survivor.

    The Survivor rules need to be changed so that the producers can despatch a hit squad whenever a heatherocracy forms.

    Ah well, we have the Specialist to entertain us and we can hope Golden Boy's final challenge doesn't involve shaking hands. And a couple of the fans look like they could be fun.

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  20. Magaskawee Tayanita! It seems we might be related Miss LaLa ;). It means graceful young beaver. I think I may have a new nickname for the recreational area. Would like to thank Golden Boy for making my V-Day so much more special. No better way to spend it with a glass (bottle) of white, hooting and squealing at the TV. And WELCOME BACK LALA!!

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  21. A masterful recap as always and it is so good to have you (and Survivor) back.

    I had so many things running through my head watching on Wed. First, I think Lil Hantz has issues with pretty women. Apparently he thinks they are all Jezebel out to tempt him. I am actually surprised he hasn’t gone all Ted Bundy yet in real life. I think that Erik might have a thing against pretty girls too since he was rolled last time by Natalie batting her eyes at him.

    I thought Andrea was dumb for getting into an alliance with Franchincense. Then when she got “chosen” by Phillip (did you know he as a federal agent?) I thought perfect, they can get rid of him right away. When she found out that Francheckers wanted Phillip gone, she basically had all the power and could have played it either way she wanted. Instead she went squealing to Phillip. To me that says she wants to be a follower. It’s too bad because she was my pre-show favorite.

    One thing I was surprised by was the fact that none of the favorites have started looking for an immunity idol yet. Franchertfields said something about worrying about Phillip having one, but that was it. The last few seasons, the first thing that the players did when they got to their camps was to start flipping rocks, and looking in tree stumps trying to find the idol. Maybe that will be more prevalent next week.

    I thought that medical might have needed to step in after seeing Cochran’s sunburn. OUCH! I can’t believe that he is walking, and it is only going to get worse. I don’t see him lasting very long, but then again I didn’t think he’s last as long as he did the first time around.

    I think that the Heathers alliance at the fan camp is a joke. The “pretty people” alliances never seem to work. In One World, all the buff dudes got together and were promptly eliminated. If I were in the fan camp, I would definitely target them first. Especially since the last time I checked, 6 is greater than 4. But it was good to see Laura identify the “couple” threat. I think though if you are going to hook up on Survivor, the first day or two would be the time to do it. The longer you go, the more stanky and dirty you get. Homeless porn just isn’t that appealing. Anyway… I remember Boston Rob making this observation on Redemption Island that couples are not good (at least for the others in the game) and it was why he sent Matt packing. Shalamar (Can I suggest that name for Shamar? I'm using it anyway) is a hump, and is going to cause a lot of problems, which I guess is more of a good thing isn’t it? I would have thought that he would have a few more survival skills being an ex-marine, but maybe there is a reason he is an EX-marine (normally I’d say there are no ex-marines but I think Shalamar deserves the title). If he wanted water, then he could have worked on getting a fire going, instead sitting on his ass and griping about everyone else wasting energy on something that isn’t needed is like the 5 year old who doesn’t get to play the game by his rules so he sits on the sidelines and makes fun of everyone else playing. What a douche.

    Andrea was my pick before the season started, and I will still pull for her, but I think I am going to put my money on Mowgli, or maybe Freebush (just ‘cause I have had a crush on Sandra Bullock since 1994). I reserve the right to flip on a whim when someone does something completely stupid however.

    And for the record, my Native American name is Enapay Kwatoko, which means Brave Bird with Big Beak. Huh?

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    1. Hmm, interesting suggestion, Brave Bird With Big Beak. If Shamar keeps acting like a prepubescent girl, I could easily go with Shalimar. I prefer the perfume spelling though. That 'i' makes all the difference.

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  22. I'm wondering if you have connections at CBS so you can get that "unblurred" footage of the first reward challenge. HA!

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  23. Welcome back Miss Lala and all you bitches out there. I have yearned all winter-long to once again envisage your elloquent prose on such a sanctified, majestic, and ageless reality TV show as Survivor. It has been too long!

    Speaking of bitches, Shamar the ex-marine sure is one! Who would have thought that a guy who should be used to keeping his mouth shut and not getting what he wants would actually be the exact opposite? If he keeps it up, I suggest that we give him the following monicker: "Lance Corporal Veruca Saltmar". Or if he consistently dazzles us and airs annoying, corny commercials featuring a cross-eyed asshole, then perhaps "Sham-Wow".

    And speaking of nicknames, my Native American one is "Nawat Kachada," which means "Left Handed White Man". I guess that deep down I always knew that I was a white man, but who knew after all of these years that I've been writing with my wrong hand all along?

    Great to see you back Lala, and look forward to next week!

    J-Bird

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  24. I think Sherri reminds me of a "Real Housewives"
    Doesn't matter which - they all look he same with their horrid botox,nose jobs, plastic fake faces. Did anybody notice the bikerack at the immunity challenge she was sporting with those shear panties?

    I'm rooting for the non-cool kids over on the fans.
    The only Favorite I like is Corrine, I liked her when she was on the first time. I agree with the others that Hanz can't cope with those temptress girls.

    As always - awesome post.

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  25. The IT Gods at work have finally smiled upon me and the firewall that had blurred your blog like I wish CBS would blur Secret Agent Man's Junk but then again, I would hate to see you so deprived.

    Favorites ? Really ? This cast almost makes the "celebrities" on Rachel vs Guy look like A-Listers by comparison. I have never missed an episode and I was hard pressed to remember some of these folks.

    Francheckingintotheloserslodgeearlyagain was such an obvious choice to go home first. I hope she had some hot sauce for that rock.

    I'm glad your back - this season looks like it will be a bitchy good time

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  26. I am actually enjoying Phillip 2.0 and his BR rules. Although I still think he is crazy, it makes me wonder if he played it up last time and is saner than we think. I am still rooting for Golden Boy and he definitely needs more screen time. Glad Franchescha is gone, I don't know how she is considered a favorite.

    I don't really like any of the fans so far except Duck Dynasty. They all seem pretty boring, so I'll have to wait to see how that all plays out.

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  27. I've always hoped Erik (Whom I've always called Ice Cream Joe based on his listed occupation in his first season, and my love of the 80's breakfast cereal)would get another shot, however he was on the wrong side of the first vote, so me thinks his days are numbered, but will hope for him to last from the "favorites"

    On the other side GI Moe is one of the biggest toolbags we have seen fresh out of the gate in the history of the show, but fits into the Survivor stereotype of lazy dark shin that these producers cast annually (Seriously and Grodner gets shit for her typecasting.)No one really to like on that side yet.

    Also whenever the returning players come back there is always a few I only vaguely remember, but for the first time ever I have absolutely zero recognition of one, who the hell is Corrine? Where the eff is Abi Marie? I need answers, dammit.

    Finally: Dichali Vipponah (Talkative Slim Face)

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    1. How the HELL can you not remember that BITCH Corrine? She was so vile in her season. She was in Sugars season and I think it was Susie, Sugar and Bob in the finals and Corrine was so pissed that Susie had made it to final 3. Susie was useless and floated her way there. She told Susie she would vote for her to win the million dollars if she promised to use the money to have her vocal chords removed.

      Randy was also in that season. He was a very bitter person and said he hated everyone everywhere and his dog was the most important person in his life. Bob made a fake immunity necklace and gave it to Randy or Randy found it I don't remember and Randy played it at tribal and Jeff threw it in the fire and said it was fake. Randy was voted out.

      Corrine was also pissed that Randy being a villain was getting him more screen time than she got and her being such a mean, evil bitch was not portraying her as a proper villain just a vile, bitter old hag.

      Delete
  28. What is everyone talking about when it comes to Andrea especially off screen. I feel like I'm missing part of the puzzle. Can you give us any insight you GlitterTit goddess, you?

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  29. Those little bug eyed critters are not lemurs are they? They don't look like the lemurs we have at our zoo. You should have posted a pic of that little bug eyed thing when he had that grasshopper hanging out of his mouth. When he hopped over to that tree and grabbed that bug I screamed. It was so gross. Then he growls and jumps away. We all just about peed our pants laughing. We have that DVR'd and we watched it about 50 times laughing harder every time.

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  30. Dearest LaLa,
    Thanks for your delightful insightful Survivor comments. As stated by those before me, your comments are more fun than the show.
    The little creature is a bush baby (which is a funny name, I don’t care who you are).
    I’m team Cochran this season. I got Gingervitus! Red Power - Red Power - Red Power - Better red than dead.
    I think Collette LaLa means gin soaked glitter lover in Klingon but I’m not sure. Cochran probably knows.
    Q: What do you call a redheaded ninja? A: a ginja
    Peace,
    Anpaytoo Kokyangwuti Radiant Middle Aged Spider Woman.

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  31. Seasons Change! Shout out to Expose!

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  32. “Not when the castaways smell like the under side of Phillip Sheppard’s ball sack.” LOL, that is such a guy thing to say. Lala, are you sure you aren’t a guy?

    I don’t think Special Agent Loco is running anything other than the sand crabs that crawl into his pink underpants. True leaders will emerge and they will keep him around because like last time he is not a threat to win. Can’t believe Phillip has not been given one of your beloved nicknames.

    By the way, I am Trustworthy One with Three Fingers. Perhaps all of us Three Fingers can get together with all you Young Beavers. Just sayin'.

    I like Cochran. He reminds me of a young Woody Allen. Too bad there isn’t a young Asian girl for him on the island. I don’t think Brenda counts as young enough or Asian enough. My issue with Cochran was when he switched sides last time he clearly wasn’t improving his position in the game, but rather improving his position in the Survivor franchise. Let’s call it the Omarosa effect. You don’t need to win. You just need to be remembered. It’s possible Special Agent Loco was playing the same game.

    I loved when Golden Boy put his hand on Cochran at Tribal when Cochran spoke of Boston Rob touching the one for everyone to vote off. Golden Boy is funny and pretty.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I assure you, I have lady parts. Plus, a collection of lacy parasols, frilly petticoats and an entire room devoted to ribbons and buttons.


      Delete
  33. This writer is clueless. Those helicopters were not Blackhawks. They don't even look like Blackhawks. Furthermore, everyone knows the noise made by helicopters is actually chucka-chucka-chucka NOT chicka-chicka-chicka!

    Also, a lemur would never use a slingshot - they lack the strength to pull the rubber all the way back.

    Very disappointed with this error riddled recap.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous, you lack the strength to pull the rubber all the way back. Am I right?

      Delete
  34. Ok, managed to avoid spoilers and watched it tonight with a bottle of wine (ok, two bottles - hey it was a 90 minute episode!)

    Anyway, Best. Opening. Shot. Ever.

    In fact, it made me kinda horny. And your commentary section knows all too well what I like to do to it when that happens...

    That's right, you seductive little commentary section, it's RHYME TIME! Hey, come back here at once!

    So tell me Lala, are you...

    Excited by this season
    With it's returning cast?
    You've every reason
    The first ep was a blast!

    You'll get plenty o' material
    From this group o' players
    The blogs should be simple
    P'haps they'll only take 2-3 hours!

    Oh stop scowling
    At my appalling verse
    My other hobbies
    Are far more perverse!

    I like taking drugs
    That aid masturbation
    What's that?
    You wish you had earplugs
    And a potent libation?


    I see. In that case...

    I regret that stanza
    Tho' its last line has whet me
    To quote George Costanza
    'Tis making me THIRSTY!


    I need to fix myself a drink *fixes self drink*. Maybe you should too.

    Oh, and get one for your commentary section while you're up - the poor dear looks a little shaken.




    PS: +1 for the Heathers pic. +3 for the formatting on the Specialist's communique. +5 for the fifth BR rule, which generated an image in my head that made me smile. -1 for generating an image in my head about a certain piece of Phillip Sheppard's anatomy that did not make me smile. -1 for frivolously throwing away your twenties chasing Malcolm.

    This week's blog is therefore a 7 out of ten. Not bad, but definitely some room for improvement. That's not my opinion, that's just the maths honey.

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    1. I like looking at The Specialist's junk. I love the "underwear" episodes before the official bathing suits have been passed out (so that the editors don't have to spend profit blurring out ass crack or boob bounce). We all love it, even if we bitch about it. Watching everyone strip down to their raw anatomy is the hook that keeps us watching. I curse the day when the bathing magically appear. If it weren't for the soft core (homeless) porn and Bitch's blogs, would we bother to watch, I wonder?

      Delete
  35. Seven is what Costanza wanted to name his unborn baby. This blog was an eleventeen.

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  36. Jesus! I just did that Native American name thingy and got this:

    Matchitehew Wuyi - Your name means "Evil Hearted Soaring Turkey Vulture."

    I'm depressed now. Thanks for brightening my day Lala!

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  37. i bet u wished u had access to the uncensored version of these episodes...rofl. great re-cap lala.

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  38. Welcome back, Lala!

    A few thoughts concerning this season:

    I'm undecided right now on who to specifically root for to win. As of right now, Duck Dynasty, Laura, and Sandra Bullock are my favorites for the fans. Not big fans of the Heathers. For the favorites, it's a true toss-up between Golden Boy, Carrot Top (Erik), Corrinne, Dawn-Dawn, and Brenda. I guess time will tell

    We all know that Francheesepizza promised to eat that rock. However, not many people observed that she also said she would drown in the ocean if she was the first voted out. I think she followed it up with her nervous laughter and an "I kid you not" statement. I wonder if she ever followed through on either promise.

    I don't know about you, but I miss the poetic genius of Semhar/Hoops. Jello Pop was alright, but nothing like Hoops. If any first castaway deserved to play again, it is her. Oh well, beggers can't be choosers.

    May I suggest that Shamar be forever referred to as "Shamu?" He is big, lazy, potentially a killer (USMC?), and entertains primarily children and juveniles. A perfect match!

    I hope for the day that Survivor decides to do a "One Tribe" season. 20 people, 1 tribe, endless possibilities. Throw in a few Shakiras and more endurance challenges with no food temptations and we have ourselves an unforgettable season!

    Lastly, I have to ask. Are there plans on blogging the upcoming seasons of the Amazing Race and Big Brother now that Brenchel is out of the picture? If not, we are still glad we have you for Survivor for now.

    Looking forward to seeing how this season unfolds as well as the stories of each of our castaways.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Welcome Back, Bitch and Bitches!

    Ezhno Istaqa reporting for duty, also known as Solitary Coyote Man. Frank n' Beans never stood a chance, did she? Girlfriend is too nervous and up tight to last more than 3 days in the wilderness. I guess her Native American Name is Girl Gone Before Dew Evaporates or One with Broken Teeth from Eating Big Rock.

    From what I saw from the upcoming attractions, I can't wait to see what drives Lil Hantz off the deep end this time. I think he is frightened sexually by the women in the tribe.

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  40. I don't think I have ever laughed out loud before just by reading a blog. You are so funny! I can't believe I haven't stumbled upon this amazing blog of yours until now. Anyways, I really enjoyed your recap of this episode. Can't wait to continue watching the season with ya! Meanwhile, I've been reading your recaps of the Heroes vs. Villains season and am loving them. :)

    P.S. I'm rooting for Erik this season! *shrugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks mariepoppins! Glad to have you onboard. Be sure to follow me on Twitter (@ColetteLala) or friend me on Facebook (http://Facebook.com/colette.lala) for instant updates when I make a new post.

      Delete
  41. Ahh with one line you destroy that pompous asshole lispy mcgee, he of the cool kid's lunch table, where he coincidentally stopped developing emotionally.

    Love Veruca Salt. I always envisioned Wonka and her father haggling on the price of an oompa loompa. Cracks me up every time I think of it.

    Great to have another season to look forward to your blog. Best part of the show and all that blah blah. Keep up the fine work Blah Blah... Amazing this show never gets old to me. I actually stood and applauded when francharlieandthechocolatefactory got voted out. You can't make this shit up, honestly. All the best to you Lala, you rule this part of the universe.

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  42. oh yeah. I'm Ohanko Nayati. "Restless Wrestler." haha indeed

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  43. Magaskawee Malila, Your name means: Graceful Fast Salmon Swimming Up a Rippling Stream. Good to know O_o. -elle

    ReplyDelete