Saturday, February 9, 2013

Laura: The Reaper

Pas de bourrée, jeté, jeté, curtsy. Tada! I'm back. You're back. It's back. We're all back and we're gooey with promise and nipples. Uncrackling the cracks, unwrinkling the wrinkles, with a squee and a burble, I begin...

First up is Laura Alexander. A 23 year old from Washington D.C., Laura slaves away as an administrative officer. With hair like wheat and features placed just so, Laura reminds me of a farmer's daughter. Devout in the daylight amongst the moos and cocks, but wanton and carefree when the sun sets and the crickets chirp. She's Ariel dancing when there is no dancing in Bomont. Or maybe not. After all, she does have Froot Loops on her bathing suit.

Diving further into Laura's biography, we discover that she has climbed a mountain. A very high mountain in Northern Africa. As mountain climbers tend to be competitive and always at war with themselves, Laura might not be as innocent as we once thought her to be back on the farm. Then again, she loves her mother and jigsaw puzzles. Laura, you bewildering cheddar chintz!

Let us turn to the video and see if we can get a better read on our fair Laura. Please to enjoy:

She talks a good game and she says the right things, but she's got a tell. That lower lip of hers is a neon William Tell and it betrays everything her stern forehead punctuates with conviction. It trembles like an epileptic and twitches like Michael J. Fox. To watch on mute, you want to hand the poor girl a tissue and tell her everything will be alright. To watch with a blindfold, she's just like all the other gals who say, "I think everyone will underestimate me." If she can keep that impudent lip under control, she may not crumble like the Cookie (Angie). She may impress us with her cutthroat-y wheat sickle tongue. Then again, she has Froot Loops on her bathing suit.

So, what do you guys think of Laura? Is she all talk? Will she crumble and go soggy the first night it rains? Comment it out, bitches.


  1. Yaaaaaaaawn. All I can say is that if she is going to bluff/lie on the island, she'd better be more prudent about making eye contact. I'm sure she was nervous, but she kept looking away from the camera. I *hope* that I'm underestimating her, b/c otherwise, BOR-ing.

  2. Was she also the president of her student counsel? I bet she was. As for the fruit loops on her bathing suit, the last time I saw that, the strings of the bathing suit was dental floss and she swinging from a pole. The only thing I remember from that night was that my teeth had never been so clean.

  3. *kneels*

    Your Royal Bitchness, you have returned at last.

    I'm so grateful the Lord granted you safe passage through the wintry lands that lie between your seasonal castles. Now I can stop bitching about not having new bitchiness to bitch about - I do hope you will exercise your Divine right to be a thoroughly bitchy bitch to these bitches, Your Bitchness.

    If I may offer an opinion, Your Bitchesty, I'm a trifle underwhelmed by the fans this season. I quite like the assortment of favourites though, with one glaring exception - which I'll get to. I'm looking forward to the new adventures of Sir Malcolm of Loxley and Lady Brenda of Scramble-Never, and the shenanigans of Corinne the Cunning and Cochran the Confessor. Also, watching Mad Phillip the Crazy and Francesca the Clever resume hostilities should be merrier than any court jester! As for Dawn the Determined, well, I quite admire the endearing professor. And what of Eric the Innocent? He is older now, it will be interesting to see if he has become Eric the Wiser. That leaves Andrea the Rather Dull Actually, and the penitent young monk named Brandon, from Shit-For-Brains Abbey.

    I suppose I can understand why they cast Andrea - she's popular among the commoners, but Brandon?! If they were looking for a bible thumping type they should have called the fabled Rider of Pretty Ponies. And if they weren't, they should have called the silver-haired knight cruelly thwarted by fate on his last campaign; Sir Marty the Grandmaster! They're dumber than a bag of halberds.

    I think Marty could have played a pretty successful game with this cast too. He'd have been able to align with his old mate Brenda right away, and I think Corinne, Cochran and Malcolm, who all prefer to align with intelligent players, would have been receptive to a quintupling. An alliance of those players would probably have dominated the game, or imploded spectacularly - either way, it woulda been entertaining. I also think Marty and Phillip, like an ersatz Rob and Russell, would have found themselves jousting.

    Instead, we got Brandon. With some new tatts. Great. I'll wager one of 'em says "Thou shalt not give up immunitey".