Saturday, February 9, 2013
Laura: The Reaper
Pas de bourrée, jeté, jeté, curtsy. Tada! I'm back. You're back. It's back. We're all back and we're gooey with promise and nipples. Uncrackling the cracks, unwrinkling the wrinkles, with a squee and a burble, I begin...
First up is Laura Alexander. A 23 year old from Washington D.C., Laura slaves away as an administrative officer. With hair like wheat and features placed just so, Laura reminds me of a farmer's daughter. Devout in the daylight amongst the moos and cocks, but wanton and carefree when the sun sets and the crickets chirp. She's Ariel dancing when there is no dancing in Bomont. Or maybe not. After all, she does have Froot Loops on her bathing suit.
Diving further into Laura's biography, we discover that she has climbed a mountain. A very high mountain in Northern Africa. As mountain climbers tend to be competitive and always at war with themselves, Laura might not be as innocent as we once thought her to be back on the farm. Then again, she loves her mother and jigsaw puzzles. Laura, you bewildering cheddar chintz!
Let us turn to the video and see if we can get a better read on our fair Laura. Please to enjoy:
She talks a good game and she says the right things, but she's got a tell. That lower lip of hers is a neon William Tell and it betrays everything her stern forehead punctuates with conviction. It trembles like an epileptic and twitches like Michael J. Fox. To watch on mute, you want to hand the poor girl a tissue and tell her everything will be alright. To watch with a blindfold, she's just like all the other gals who say, "I think everyone will underestimate me." If she can keep that impudent lip under control, she may not crumble like the Cookie (Angie). She may impress us with her cutthroat-y wheat sickle tongue. Then again, she has Froot Loops on her bathing suit.
So, what do you guys think of Laura? Is she all talk? Will she crumble and go soggy the first night it rains? Comment it out, bitches.