Thursday, March 21, 2013

A Warm Glass Of Shut The Hell Up

The egg. Delicate, sturdy, creamy. A giver of life. Beaten, whipped, scrambled. Folded, poached, fried... dropped. Plop! Smashed with wild abandon. Goopy and sticky in an unruly thicket. Terra cotta and periwinkle coagulating in the Filipino sun. What seemed so innocent like a childhood game - a Victorian pastime with giggles and curls and lace - is actually a heinous slime fest rotting and festering in the unforgiving noonday sun. Putrid stenches carried on the wind tell a Gothic tale. A tale of jumbles and labyrinths. A tale of nameless wraiths flitting hither and thither. Scratching at the window and begging to be let in. Catherine? Danica? Girl? Hey you! How did you come to be here? Was it a duck call on the breeze? Have you been hiding in the blind this whole time? Oh specter in the trees. Oh silent apparition. Would that he, the hirsute fellow, had your slight of hand and trickery. Your chicanery razzle-dazzle. Would we be where we are today? Let's recap, shall we?

Careening over the lush and zooming through the brush, we continue our terminal Filipino tale in the broad daylight. How new, how strange! No moon up above. No flesh biting insects chirping in  their nocturnal opera. Just that sun shining down and shedding light. Shedding light and giving light. With that fiery orb peeling back the cloaks and baring truths, we find ourselves at Baklava (Bikal) where a huffy troop of foot stompers have smashed the sand all the way home. Calgon (Dawn), always trying to look on the bright side of things, interrupts the hushed scoffs, "Well, it was our first unanimous vote. I think we all deserve a gold star and some orange slices, don't you?" Phillip Sheppard, on the other hand, drops his rucksack to the ground and shouts, "Traitor! From where I come from, St. Augustine's Institution For The Mentally Ill, we'd call Brandon a traitor. He damaged me." A wild eyed and toothy Corinne nods in agreement, "He screwed everyone by dumping out all of our rice. Mel Gibson!" Whether a traitor or a Mel, I still maintain that Lil Hantz was the only honest Baklava out there. Sure, he spoke in apostrophes and dropped consonants, but he spoke the truth dammit!

Phillip and Corinne aren't done yet. They continue their back and forth over which one of them Lil Hantz hated more.
"I never said a bad word to him!"
"I actually liked him!"
"I told him he could be The Exfoliator!"
"No one stood up for me. I hate you all!"

And then Calgon stepped in and offered everyone some celery sticks and peanut butter. "I'm sorry he slandered you both, but you need to keep your energy up so you can finish your chores and homework before bed. Chop chop! No video games until after you've cleaned your rooms." With nods and forced smiles, the Baklavas reluctantly gather in a circle and do the Baklava cheer, "Go team!" Calgon smiled to herself pleased with what a little tough love can do for unruly brats and then she spun her chore wheel as fast as she could. Her Chablis is getting warm and that Danielle Steele isn't going to read itself.

Over at Goiter (Gota), Dame Reynold, adjusts his cravat and tips the feather in his hat just so. Gather round ye lords and ladies! Tis time to read ye olde Tree Mail. With a pause to find his center and a quick clearing of his throat, Dame Reynold begins, "Beaten by exhaustion. Battered by the weather. Winners will have fun and... *dramatic sweep of one ruffled arm* celebrate together!" In the rafters, Michael claps and giggles. Some people might think that the matinee showings are second rate, but not Michael. Dame Reynold gives so much of himself in every performance. And Like Eve Harrington, Michael waits outside the stage door every night just to get a glimpse of the great Dame.

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. At least it looks like a Reward Challenge. There are wooden contraptions sprinkled about the arena, puzzle pieces piled up in the distance, floaty rings hanging haphazardly in trees. But something is amiss. That sassy Dimples has a twinkle in his eye and that twinkle spells trouble. Come on in guys!

Dimples begins by asking the Goiters how they felt about all that drama with Lil Hantz the other day. Michael replies that it was good. "It was good to feel something good." Why, thank you Michael for your insight. Next to reply is Duck Dynasty (Matt). "I actually feel sorry for Phillip." Say what now? Come again? Baking powder? Does Duck know what is about to happen? Is he wisely laying the framework for possible new alliances? Or is he soft and fluffy and smitten? Are there Precious Moments figurines living in his beard? Is chintz his favorite color? Something tells me he might not hunt squirrel after all. Something tells me he names all of his squirrel friends and builds them squirrel cabins in his backyard with handwoven wicker baskets to hold their nuts.

Enough dilly dallying. Drop your buffs, bitches! We are switching tribes. After smashing colored eggs placed conveniently in little bowls labelled "Pretty" and "Ugly", the new tribes are as follows:

The new Goiters are Theddie, Mascaroni (Andrea), Freebush (Sherri), Dame Reynold, Golden Boy (Malcolm), Erik and Mowgli (Brenda).

The new Baklavas are Corinne, Phillip, Michael, Cochran, Duck Dynasty, Calgon and Phantom (Julia).

Dimples stands across from the new tribes and looks very pleased with himself. With a smirk and some jazz hands, he asks the Baklavas what they think of their new tribe. Scruffy dandy Cochran grits his teeth and announces, "The game just started anew." In that wild ginger head of his, you know he's having an anxiety attack while recalculating theorems and logarithms.... Mormon times beard cubed with crazy divided by gay equals??? Meanwhile, Duck Dynasty is embroidering I LOVE PHILLIP with strands from his beard onto his periwinkle stained shorts, "I'm psyched! I love these players I'm with!" Now you listen to me Duck Dynasty. No one, and I mean no one, loves Phillip Sheppard. We tolerate him and then it ends there. And if you're not careful he'll start calling you The Coiffurist or some shit like that. You'll be sharpening his pencils and fetching him coffee before you know it. Tread lightly, Duck.

With the new Goiters linking arms and skipping into camp, everyone is beaming and radiant. Dame Reynold climbs up on the trellis he created for a moment such as this and announces, "We will win all the challenges now!" He then whipped off his top hat and bowed deeply at the waist. Staring at the ground, he waited. But there was no applause. Michael, his biggest fan, is a Baklava now - drat! An expert in improvisation, Dame Reynold doesn't let the silence impede his performance. Instead he leaps off his trellis and spreads his arms wide. "Come everyone, come. Group hug!" And they did. The Goiters hugged. Well, they hugged until Theddie tried to say "ecsthatic". Nothing breaks up a group like flying spittle.

With the group dispersed - manly men breaking twigs, ladies in the water - Dame Reynold wastes no time filling Golden Boy and Erik in on their past history with Freebush. "She's the worst," Dame Reynold declares. "She's been trying to get me and Theddie out since day one." Theddie contributes, "Yesth! Sthe wasth aligned with everyone but usth." Dame then kicks the sand and shifts his eyes downward, "And if, you know, you guys like, aww shucks, wanna vote her out, we're TOTALLY with you!" Shaggy hippy flower child Erik listens to all of this, but knows that something isn't right. Something about Dame Reynold isn't exactly genuine. It's almost as if he's acting. With his tousled hair, beautiful baby blue eyes and toothy grin, there is something disingenuous about the Dame, something very "used car salesman".

Meanwhile, the womenfolk are bathing in the sea and hearing a similar story from Freebush. She tells Mascaroni and Mowgli that Theddie actually isn't that bad of a guy - when he's not with Dame Reynold. But the second he gets around used car salesman Reynold, he's all over you trying to sell you a Buick. Mascaroni takes the hint as Freebush nods enthusiastically over voting out Dame Reynold were they to lose a challenge. Mascaroni then asks what's going on with the Hidden Immunity Idol. Freebush, happy to have lady friends to gossip with, tells her new tribemates all about how Dame Reynold played his Idol already and how he's definitely out there looking for another one. Clearly, there is no loyalty whatsoever when it comes to Freebush and her fellow Fans. She jumped ship before there was even a ship to jump off of.

Over at Baklava we find Corinne painting a rainbow on the side of the shelter and humming Kyle Minogue to herself. You see, Corinne loves herself a gay. So when Michael came skipping into camp with his scarves and martini glass collection, not only did he get a new nickname (Gay), but he got a new bestie. They're not game besties mind you. They're more everyday besties. Even though Corinne is fond of Gay, she's not silly enough to abandon her Favorites alliance and vote one of them out.

The tone then changes as a plucky awkward tune begins to play. Ugh. It's time for The Phillip Sheppard Show. Hunched in his pink panties, we find Phillip decimating a piece of flint as he tries to show off for Phantom and, I think, get her to switch loyalties and join his corporation...

"Back when I first played Smurvivor, Slurvivor, Sturvivor, I had to make a big move and I would be a double agent if I had to. Chichaw! You need to make a big move with me so we can get you at least to the Merge. I'm not inviting you into Smealth R Us, but you could be The Internist and be our company gopher. I'll need some filing done, data entry, copies made, the twigs on my antenna replaced and my bamboo missile launcher cleaned thrice weekly."
"What is it about me that makes you want to make such an offer?"
"That was the incorrect answer, young lady. You were supposed to say, 'Sir, yes sir!'"

Phantom is a smart girl, not college educated smart like one Mr. Phillip Sheppard who attended a fictional university on a marshmallow campus with gingerbread dorms, but she's smart. And so, being a smart lass, she seeks out Gay to see how he feels about the new tribe shuffle. Quietly planning a coming home dinner party for himself while humming the soundtrack to Pippin, Gay tells Phantom that he is positively tinkled pink by the tribe shake up. He couldn't be happier! They seem like a crackerjack bunch of people who are lovely and welcoming. Oh Gay. Tapas are not fitting for every single meal and this isn't The Pajama Game. Only one person can have a happy ending on Survivor, not the entire cast.

Elsewhere, Phillip is informing Corinne on how he told Phantom to put up or shut up. Either she submits her resume immediately or the internship will go to someone else. Corinne, however, thinks that getting a flipper is unnecessary. They have the numbers! They don't need anyone else. As long as the Favorites stick together, they're good to go. Phillip then hears an imaginary chopper whiz overhead so he ducks out and takes cover behind a spiderweb. Corinne watches him standing still behind the transparent web and wonders to herself how the hell this guy was a federal agent. What cases has he solved? The Clue Of The Whistling Bagpipes? The Secret Of The Old Lace? Scooby Doo And The Monster Of Mexico? What government agency would give this freak a badge? Is Phillip the reason why North Korea wants to blow us off the map? Did he call Kim Jong Un, The Kimchiest? So many questions. Not enough answers.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, two members from each tribe will race to roll back a big ass crate to the start. Then, the next two will go. Once your tribe has collected all six big ass crates, you will then build a set of stairs and solve a puzzle that says FANS VS. FAVORITES. Survivors ready, go!

We begin with Erik and Theddie for Goiter and Phillip and Phantom for Baklava. Both teams reach their crates at almost the same time, but Erik and Theddie come up with the genius idea of continuously rolling their crate while Phillip, on the other hand, sits and tries to negotiate with his. Is he trying to recruit his crate into Stealth R Us? Your guess is as good as mine. All you need to know is that the Goiters immediately gain a one crate lead and continue to send out team after team.

As the challenge nears its close, people are sent out twice, sometimes three times if you're Phillip Sheppard. And each time Phillip heads out, he turns on his speaker phone and has a conference call with the other crates back at the start line. "You can be The Lumbercator and you can be The Boxinator and you can be The Cubist. To start off, we'll use you as storage units for my many files on The Mystery Of The Fire Dragon, but if you complete your jobs to the best of your ability, I can move you up to front desk. Literally, you'll be my front desk. We'll remove one of your sides and slide a giant chair underneath." Oh shut the hell up, Phillip.

Let's just skip ahead to what we knew would happen. The young buff strapping team quickly sails to a victory while the old disfigured creepy team is still waiting for their crates to send some faxes. Long story short... GOITER WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Baklava, the battered and creaky castaways shuffle their way into camp. As a mom, Calgon knows how important it is to keep a brave face and not let the others know how upset she truly is. With a gulp and a forced smile, Calgon declares, "I'm going to open up a coconut!" It's understandable. She's probably parched and a little peckish. A coconut would be immensely satisfying right about now. Not so fast, Calgon! Phillip has something to say so you just pipe down and tolerate the shakes as your blood sugar plummets.

"We did our best today. We actually did cu-gel together as a group here in camp.We've worked very effectively together. I think we all went in there thinking you know we can go in there and kick some ass. We didn't expect the network to crash and our I.T. guys to take so long. No one threw the challenge. I had to take that conference call from my handler or else the crates could have turned on us and pinned us down to the ground. And trust me, I've been pinned to the ground before. A decade ago on the Jersey Turnpike a box of pipe cleaners flew off a speeding Wide Load and pinned me down on the shoulder. Now, I won't tell you why I was walking on the shoulder of the Turnpike. Sometimes, you have to go undercover as a homeless indigent man who escaped from the nearby mental asylum. But I will tell you this. It's all about upper body strength and that's how I got those pipe cleaners off of me."

Meanwhile, Calgon has passed out and her limbs are twitching as drool seeps out of her mouth and onto the sand. Just let the lady have her damn coconut, Phillip!

After the meeting is over and Calgon has successfully been resuscitated, we find Duck Dynasty and Phillip nibbling on what looks like dried rice. Duck asks, "Who do you think should go home tonight?" Phillip replies, "The Girl." The Girl. Instead of having another Francablebox moment and stammering through the butchering of Juliennecarrots, Phillip simply calls Julia/Phantom, The Girl. Duck nods and tells Phillip he'll do whatever Phillip wants him to do. Gay, too, approaches and asks, "Is it time to plead our cases to Phillip?" Look, I get that the Fans are in the minority and that they have to cozy up to one of the vets, but why would you choose Phillip of all people?! Why not Cochran or Corinne? Calgon is busy making a stew and setting the table so you probably don't want to approach her, but Corinne seems like a viable option especially when Gay is her new best friend.

And then, AND THEN! Phillip, secret keeper extraordinaire, tells Duck and Gay that he still runs Stealth R Us. He won't tell them who the members are, but it is a force to be reckoned within this game. If Phillip chooses to bring the two wide-eyed Fans in as assets then, and only then, will they be given their official names. Others in the tribe might pretend to be the leader of Smelf R Fuss, Inc, but they're not. Unless you hear an order come directly from Phillip, don't do it. There are double agents everywhere. Nikita was one such agent and look at her now. She's gone rogue and is trying to topple the corporation. And by the way, this conversation will self destruct in 10 seconds. Then Phillip rolled himself up in the tarp and waited for his papaya bomb to go off.

With Phillip quietly napping in his tarp cocoon, Duck and Gay steal away to try to figure out what they'll tell Phantom when she asks them how they're voting. And oh look, here she comes now.
"So who do we put down?"
"Golly gee, I have no idea!"
"What do you think they're thinking?"
"Dude, I'm so confused. I just don't know what name that starts with a 'J' I'll be writing down on that parchment."
"Maybe they want to vote for one of their people."
"Maybe they do! Wowzers that would be peachy keen."
"I think we should vote for Calgon."
"Yes! Let's vote for Juli... I mean, Calgon. We'll all write down Calgon. Good idea!"

Not long after Phantom leaves the two traitors, they are approached by both Corinne and Cochran. Corinne is paranoid that one of them has the Idol and is hesitant to reveal any information to them. Duck Dynasty then stammers about how much he'd love to have the Idol. How much he wishes he had the Idol. Dude, it would be so cool to have the Idol! Cochran watches the fidgeting Duck and quickly surmises that the guy is way too desperate to have an Idol. And while he doesn't mind the idea of taking out Phantom tonight, Cochran thinks splitting up the power couple that is Gay and Duck is a much better idea.

Cochran takes his plan to the rest of Smurfs R Us and finds a loyal comrade in Calgon. Calgon is sure Duck doesn't have the Idol. While all Corinne cares about is saving her Gay, both she and Phillip are still adamant about getting rid of Phantom. Phillip thinks he can turn the Duck and Gay  into exemplary Girl Scouts while Corinne thinks Phantom is simply boring. Plus, her voice is too nasally. Off with her armpit hair!

And this brings us to Tribal Council. The camera swoops in from a long shot and I see what I'd hoped I'd never see again as long as I live... Dimples in sandals! There is something unseemly about seeing our Dimples in his best khakis and prison sandals. It's like I can't take him seriously anymore. He could ask me a question and all I'd do is giggle and stare at his little toes.

Anyhow, Dimples begins by asking Duck how he feels about his new tribe. "I'm super stoked! I was always a big fan of Cochran and Phillip. And even Calgon!" *snickers*

The discussion turns to exactly how much danger the Fans are in tonight. Phantom gives a roundabout answer about how the Favorites have the numbers, but Gay comes right out and says, "100% A Fan is going home tonight." Corinne then waves her rainbow flag and says how she'd happily replace anyone in her Favorites alliance with her new dandy, Gay. For someone being so careful not to turn on her own alliance, I thought it was an odd thing to say. And something that could possibly come back and bite her in the ass later.

Alright, enough of this jibber jabber. Honestly, I hated this episode. I think this season blows and I need to finish unpacking so let's get to the vote. In a weird and stunning (?) upset, Duck Dynasty is the 7th person voted out of Survivor Caramoan. It is not the outcome I expect or wanted. Duck seems to be a lovely man and once or twice he's even sent a "Quack!" my way on Twitter. So, godspeed DuckMan. That Cochran is much more dangerous than he looks. Cryptograms and logic puzzles fly around that moppet head of his and, believe me, he's not scared to use them and chop your beard off while you sleep. Best of luck to you.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Was it wise to split up Duck and Gay? What if the Favorites dump Phillip and replace him with Gay? Will Mowgli ever speak? Will Dame Reynold ever not speak? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. I thought the episode was boring too. I was hoping Phantom was the one to get the boot. (I missed how you arrived at the name Phantom for her - have time to remind me?)
    My favorites lines of yours this week were: little bowls labeled pretty and ugly.
    Morman times beard cubed with crazy divided by gay equals. haha
    The whole Philip paragraph where he is talking about StealthRUs and says "twigs on my antenna replaced", etc.
    When Phantom approached Gay and Duck about who they were voting off, she came off pretty dumb and very slow on the uptake there. The whole conversation was so lame, and your mocking of it right on target.
    Brandon's gone now. Nothing excited to watch at the moment. Still love your Calgon references. For someone who hated the episode, I thought you did a stellar job at recapping it.

    1. All that jibber jabber in the opening about a specter and an apparition was about her. She's like the ghost of Catherine in Wuthering Heights scratching at the window. I was probably way too cryptic. LOL

    2. Not really loving this season so far. Your recap made a boring episode more exciting! I like Matt, so was sad to see him go. I'm really confused as to why everyone is kissing Philip's ass instead of conspiring to vote him off

  2. Season after season, I'm amazed at the idiocy of tribal alliance and loyalty. Who gives a rat's ass what tribe you started on? Why wouldn't the fav's get together and get rid of resident crazy man, er... secret agent Phillip?? I don't like that it was automatically assumed a fan had to go, and that's what they all acted on. You're all going to have turn eventually and vote for each other, so why put yourself through three more agonizing days of the Stealth R Us bullshit? And, while I'm on this rant, if you're going to stick to tribe alliance, why get rid of the one guy who might actually show up during the challenges? What was big threat having Duck and Gay together? You still have the numbers. Was there fear they would start recruiting some of the ass-picking monkeys and hatch a scheme to overthrow the current regime? I could just spit.
    My favorite jab of the evening came from Dimples himself, during the challenge when he stated that the Baklavas must be on some kind of medication. I love you Dimples, and I will be the highest bidder if you auction a Hantz Specialty massage on the eBay Charity auction site.
    Thanks for a great review of a sucky episode Colette!! Loved the part about the egg dishes being labeled pretty and ugly – couldn't be more true!!

    1. The fact that alliances and loyalty can influence the outcome is the main aspect of the so called "social" game or back where we work "office politics". It's our human nature to travel in a pack. We sit there sometimes in disbelief thinking why are the sheep following the Sheppard? (For the slower among us, I just made a pun and a point.) Some players are just timid followers. Some are the true architects and leaders. Then some are cleverly hiding in the crowd until the time is right to break from their alliance.

      I think the alliances are hard to break early in the game. The players look for certainty and breaking from your pack too early is sure to lead to uncertainty. What is truly frustrating is when players are satified being #5 or #4 in an alliance all the way to the end and never seem to fight for themselves. The Boston Rob and Prunes seasons were just embarrassments for the human race.

      By the way, people will keep Special Agent around as long as they can tolerate him for the same reason Boston Rob kept him around. He ain't going to win a damn thing. People will be fine allegedly letting him lead an alliance for awhile as long as he continues to know where and who the alliance actually is.

  3. I feel like the swap went down so fast I don't know what happened, but it seemed fishy that they split so evenly. Did probst have separate bowls of eggs for each tribe? I get the sense that they feel like the fans are boring and want to make sure the favs are playing it out in the end. Also I'm sad to see Matt go - he would be a good choice for a returnee.

  4. What an awful episode. What an awful season. Given how subservient the fans are to the "faves", it's probably a good thing that they are no better than C-level former players. Imagine how much kissing of the feet would go on if they were true stars?

    As if that wasn't bad enough, I knew exactly how this was going when the split happened. Over to the left, you have the fit, attractive (or as attractive as this cast gets), and/or young. Over there, barely in range of the camera, you have the goofy looking, the out of shape, the aged, and Jay Leno's chin. All under the supervision of Super Double-Knot Spy Black Jethro Bodine.

    A 4-3 split is not insurmountable, though. Why Duck Dynasty and "The Gay" (how condescending) immediately dropped onto their knees to beg for acceptance makes no sense to me. Why not use the info they learned from the Brandon incident to understand that not all of them were under Phillip's spell? Why not sound off Ol' Jay Leno Chin or Corrine to see if they wanted to rid their tribe of the CEO? Instead, Duck Dynasty became a narc. He reminded me of those Cops episodes where they would send a bearded, and completely unbelievable, agent into the parts of town he should stay away from to purchase a lid or pot or a crack rock. As soon as he said in Tribal Council that he would tell anyone about any idols I would have sent him away.

  5. Matt played like a loser and appropriately went home. He was basically begging to be the gopher for the favs. Loser.

  6. The problem with casting lunatics so that you get cool explosions on camera is that once they're gone everything is an anticlimax. Still, if you think this cast sucks, imagine what they would be like without Golden Boy. Not only is he the sole sign of brain activity anywhere on the island but he is not bad to look at either.

    One vital question remains. Is it my imagination or did Freebush actually do relatively well, for Freebush, in the challenge?

  7. I think I've worked out Julia's strategy. You can't be voted out of the game if no one writes your name down, and how can they write your name down if no one knows what it is. Voting "The Girl" is hardly unambiguous. But I appreciate the irony that the members of Stealth R Us are anything but stealthy, while Julia is protected by a shield of invisibility, silence, and namelessness.

  8. I would run stark raving mad down the beach within 48 hours if I had to live with Phillip! I did feel sorry for him for a nano second that he had to go 3 times during the challenge. Totally surprised about Duck. And I kinda like Corinne. She's like the Brittany Haynes of Suvivor. I like her snarky remarks. Lol about Julia's armpit hair. Unfortunately noticed that. Great recap!


  9. I'm a little surprised there's so much hate for this season. It hasn't been dull. Yeah; Phillip, Brandon and Shamar have had too much screen time, but two of 'em are gone and Phillip, classic runt of the litter that he is, is giving you plenty o' material. The passage under the fire dragon is responsible for my laugh this week, not to mention "The Coiffurist". You may hate him, but it must beat having to come up with stuff about Prunes, or Kim, or Christina, or Tarzan, or that dull-ass midget or dwarf or smurf or whatever the fuck the politically correct term is these days.

    Remember One World Lala? I remember it. In a cold sweat.

    This season has plenty of interesting people. Dame Reynold is a great character. Phillip's even giving Corinne golden material! Even Calgon is contributing to the blog.

    This season has three people I'd love to see win. They are (in order) Cochran, Corinne and Malcolm.

    Most seasons there's only one. Some seasons there's none. Phillip hasn't got a hope, and the episode when it dawns on Secret Agent Man should be delicious.

    Very atmospheric intro. Julia as a fleeting phantom, tapping at the glass desperate to be let into the game? Goosebumps. I liked Matt, and would rather Catherine had been ghostbusted, but it was the idol wariness of Corinne and instincts of Cochran, combined with guilelessness from Matt, that sealed his fate.

    Thanks for the pics of the Nancy Drew Mysteries. I read Nancy Drew when I was a kid. And Trixie Belden. And the Three Investigators. Those pics gave me a 'Rosebud' type feeling.

    Great blog. I'll see you next week, unless you're still unpacking. Too many bottles of gin? Too many flakes of glitter? Too many pitchers of infusion? You obviously own too much stuff. If you won't go on Survivor, maybe you should go on Hoarders.

  10. I have to agree, this episode promised so much. New tribes, a new game in the post-Brandon era but unfortunately never lived up to it. Corinne is funny though describing Phillip and that poor baby on the plane. Reynold thinks he is all of a sudden untouchable, just because they comfortably won the challenge. The passing of the eggs seemed to be from the same format as the One World switch, too obvious to be true. Another great recap, you somehow seem to make the not-so-great episodes better with your blog the following day.

  11. Cntrl-Alt-Del. Reset. Do Over. Whatever.

    (Did anyone notice that this week we got the full title shot showing all 20 castaways? Aside from the tremors I felt when I saw Shalimar and Lil Hantz again, I got stuck on Francesquoi's face. Note to the producers: let's keep the title shot focused on those remaining in the game. I'm not interested in the early losers. Goodbye. Oh, and get casting in here and that includes Probst. I have a bone to pick with them. Something about a shark. And tell Allison Grodner to slip out the back way, since Dame Reynold has "found" his nineteen idol already.)

    I have to agree with all the commenters that watching Survivor has become a two step process: watching the latest episode and reading The Bitch's blog.

    Everyone brings their bags to the "reward" challenge, yet they looked SO surprised when it was announced that they get an egg for a new tribe assignment. I'm sorry, but I'm struggling with the reality show scripting versus pure social experiment of Survivor. Will we be watching this show in 5 years? In 10 years? Next season even? I ask myself what the producers can do to keep the show FRESH and PURE without resorting to Big Brother antics. I don't have the answer, short of sitting back, stop bitching and enjoy what Burnett is selling.

    Nah, that won't work...

    What's with Erik talking about Dame Reynold's Beautiful Baby Blue Eyes for? I'm going to keep a gay eye on Erik. I love the "bikini" shot of Phillip in his pink one piece, nonchalantly strutting his junk for the cameras. Miss Jay, have you been giving him runway lessons since his last season?

    Ugh, Phillip. Double Ugh. Sucking all the oxygen out of the Phillipines. The faces of his tribe as he pontificates tell the story. What a stifling effect he has while the real game play goes underground. I'm STILL not that into you, Phillip. Not. That. Into. You.

    Stealth my ass, buddy. (Is casting here yet?)

    Funny how none of the misfits (the uglies) have found (favor with the producers?) a hidden immunity idol...

    -Reckless Wrestler

    PS. Wait, did Lala say she was close to (Big Brother's meltdown) Willie Hantz last summer in last week's comments section? What in the name of gin and glitter does that mean?

  12. You missed the part when Malcolm said he was good at lying to women lol.

  13. I try and try not to believe that the producers are rigging everything. I mean I really try. But the shake up of the tribes couldn't seem any more fixed. All the fit, "pretty people" (except for Freebush) on one side, and the nerds on the opposite side. It's like that moment in Revenge of the Nerds where Louis finally realizes THEY are the nerds.

    It was so predictable when Dame Reynold and Theddie went right to Golden Boy and the Ice Cream Man. Finally, a couple of young, fit guys they could relate to. At least they were smart enough to realize they couldn't go and start rubbing up on Mowgli and Mascaroni. It was nice to see that the Ice Cream Man didn't fall for Dame Reynold's act. And Freebush dishing on other two guys was expected as well. It will be interesting to see who they go after when they finally lose a challenge.

    I don't understand why Duck and Gay went right to the Specialist (he was a federal agent you know) especially after Brandon's outburst. When he was explaining StealthRUs to them they should have figured out right then and there that Phillip (did you know he was a special agent?) was bat-shit crazy. What I don;t understand was that the Favs in Baklava all agreed that Phillip is insufferable to live with and they all want him out, but yet they keep him around? Especially after the "pick-me-up" speech after they had their asses handed to them in the immunity challenge.

    Duck going around to everyone in Baklava telling them he was more than willing to spill his guts about what was going on in the other tribe made me think, would Corrine spill the fact that Golden Boy has an idol now? It can't help her anymore, at least not for the next few weeks until the merge, so would she use this to help her somehow?

    Anyway, show of hands please, who didn't think that the new Goiter tribe would destroy Baklava in the immunity challenge? Go ahead, don't be shy. Raise your hand. Anyone? Anyone? Right, I didn't think so. The shuffle is going to be the same as the pre-shuffle. Look for the ranks of the Baklavas to dwindle in the coming weeks until the merge.

    Overall, this was one of the weaker episodes. But it looks like Golden Boy and Dame Reynold try to take control next week. I don't know, if I were Golden Boy, if I would want to hitch my cart to that horse.

  14. OMG! When I saw the title of this weeks blog I screamed with delight. When Corrinne said that, I rewound it a bunch of times and said I am going to use that saying, it is hilarious. I am actually liking her this season. She is not acting like a nasty, mean ole hag.

    When Jeff handed them the eggs I rewound that too cuz I noticed that he had 2 bowls and he handed 1 bowl to a certain couple of people and then he handed the other bowl to a certain couple of other people. I think the bold and the beautiful as Cochran referred to them should have included Phantom and not Freebush but we know that the disentia is between Theddie, Dame and Freebush and that is how they conveniently and not Alison Grodner rigged at all (yeah, right) ended up on the same tribe.

    If you remember in Ambers season when they switched tribes she was the only one who ended up being switched. The rest of the tribe all picked the same color rock or whatever it was and she was the sole new person. I'm sure that is why they did it the way they did, but it was just too convenient that Theddie and Dame ended up together and the girl that they ended up with just happened to be the one that they had the biggest problem with.

    I like the fact that Golden Boy is teaming up with Theddie and Dame and not automatically staying in his original alliance just because. I think those 3 would be good together but hopefully Theddie and Dames lack of basic kindergarten math skills doesn't rub off on Golden Boy and they interview a 4th person for their new Pretty People alliance.

    The reason they aren't turning on Philip yet is cuz he is the one that helped the Faves win the last several challenges. Just by a micro second Philip is the one, not Golden Boy. So as much as Philip is annoying he was needed to win.

    I think voting off Duck was a big mistake right now cuz they are going to need his strength to win a challenge. They don't want to have to keep voting off their own tribe even if it is someone from the fans while the other tribe stays strong and forms new alliances.

    I do think Cochrans logic in it was good but just at the wrong time. Glad to see someone else suggesting something instead of Philip controlling everything. It was just at the wrong time.

    I liked Duck and wanted to see him go farther in the game. I guess it's too bad he wasn't gay too. Then according to Corrine there wouldn't have been any question of who would have been voted out.

  15. Golden Boy has to make eyes at Dame Reynold because Corinne blew the serpentine counteralliance apart with her idiocy. He also needs to peel Calgon or Cochran off Philip, which shouldn't be difficult but I guarantee it will be. The way this lot play peeling Michael off Philip would be difficult.

    I regret raising Miss Lala's gin intake by mentioning the forthcoming nuptials. Maybe...