Thursday, March 14, 2013

The Arthur Of My Elimination


Gandhi once said, "A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history." He also said, "No one can feed me without my permission. I FEED ME!" But that's neither here nor there. Across the fabric of time, a handful of people have emerged from the ordinary in order to beat the odds and deliver us something extraordinary. Some call them prophets or saints. Others call them soothsayers or shamans. I like to call them short and stocky deliverers of truth. Brave souls conquering Herculean tasks in order to put us on the right path and guide us through this labyrinth we call life. Divine beings with headsets plugged directly into deity. You may see them barefoot standing on a milk crate in a back alley shouting out a mishmash of Ace Of Base lyrics and nursery rhymes. Or you might stumble across one on your favorite reality show right after he urinated into a United Nations sack of cornmeal and pounded a litre of Windex. Where or how they choose to verbalize their message is of no consequence. The question is: Will you listen to it? Will you inhale their tangy aromas and act accordingly? A message isn't a message unless someone spreads it - much like cholera. Similarly, a cult can't function without at least 6 sister wives (and a ritual killing). Standing here skyclad under a starry night, I give myself over to this man who speaks in broken English and flexes misspelled tattoos. LIL HATZ in a childish scrawl means something to me. It means that there is hope, that the lines can be crossed and blurred and wiped away. It also means that we need to quickly decide what to do with this large man in the feather headdress that is strapped to the altar. Blood always spills during the noblest of missions. And today, my friends, we're about to change the world. Let's recap, shall we?

With the night damp and thick with humidity, we open today's neverending Filipino tale at Goiter (Gota). The weary ruffians have shuffled back to their bamboo cage and now they sit around the campfire tossing platitudes like pinecones into a hearth. "No hard feelings to Whippet (Laura)" lands with a plop and a sizzle while "This is our turning point" slowly catches aflame and burns steadily unto itself. "We have to win challenges," cries Duck Dynasty (Matt) as an ornery pinecone tumbles away from the hearth and sets Freebush (Sherri) on fire. And then, with the cones turned to ash and the dank stillness of the air weighing heavy on everyone's thoughts, there is a brief silence. And by "brief", I mean 0.25 seconds because here comes Dame Reynold and I think he's performing Ophelia tonight...


And I, of ladies most deject and wretched, 
That sucked the honey of his music vows, 
Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,
Like sweet bells jangled, it was totally time I dumped that Idol y'all,
It was way too divisive. 
And then he climbed up into a tree with the wily agility of a spider monkey. Gazing out upon the night sky, the branch he was standing on cracked almost instantly and down Dame Reynold and his petticoats tumbled into a babbling brook. Don't worry. He's not hurt. His Ophelia always does somersaults.


Michael, always a fan of the dramatic arts, applauds Dame Reynold's brave interpretation of a Shakespearean classic and whispers to no one in particular, "That was so clutch. He's really clutch. What a clutch guy!" At first I thought being "clutch" was a good thing, like maybe something to strive for and put on your dream board. But as Michael goes on, we discover that clutch is both good and bad. From what I can gather, being called "clutch" is a compliment. Only, don't be too clutch because if you're too clutch you become a threatening clutch and no one likes a threatening clutch. Or something like that. Basically, Michael is happy Dame Reynold no longer has the Hidden Immunity Idol. It takes his clutchiness down a few notches.


Over at Baklava (Bikal) the scene isn't all that different from what we just witnessed with the Goiters. Our leading man, Lil Hantz, is giving his own soliloquy and, like Ophelia, he too is distraught and heartbroken. With the moon as his key light and the thunder as his soundtrack, Lil Hantz slowly unfurls shiny pearls of truth. He begins by telling his tribe that those who walk this world with passion in their hearts are the most real people he has ever come across. Passionate people are emotional people and emotional people are often unpredictable people. Sometimes they say things out of the night sky that will leave you scratching your forehead wondering what dimension you're in. But if you look past the flailing hands, the Lee-zee-anna drawl and the fact that Lil Hantz has an entire arm of disembodied mustache tattoos, you just might discover some kernels of wisdom hidden deep down on the hairy underside of his campfire confession.


And so, like men at crossroads before him, Lil Hantz is unable to reconcile how incredibly selfish it is to play a game with a clown in pink panties doing the crab crawl around the shelter when he, Lil Hantz, could be at home with his family. It is an inner struggle we've seen before in Lil Hantz only this time it is not about boobies. This time he looks around at the utter ridiculousness of the company he has been keeping and asks himself, "Is it worth it to leave my babies for this?" I could almost call it his Andy Millman (Extras) moment. Remember Andy sitting in the Celebrity Big Brother house looking around himself, at the bimbos in their bikinis, at the aging entertainers seeking fame at any cost, at the fictional world he was placed in that slowly becomes more and more nonfictional with each passing second? I submit to the Jury (all you Bitches) that Lil Hantz is having his own moment. His eyes have finally opened to the Victorian Freakshow he finds himself embedded in and the realization of it all is slowly beginning to tear him up inside.

However, unlike Andy, Lil Hantz's cosmic realizations affect him just a tad more dramatically than they would, oh let's say, you and me. He is a Hantz after all. Sure, I think he had a profound moment and it is normal at his age to discover what is truly important in life, but I'm also not completely blind to the fact that he grew up at the edge of a swamp on a diet of gator skin and squirrel meat. So when Lil Hantz wants to get up and leave a scene that is making him uncomfortable, he doesn't simply walk out the back door. He threatens to pee in the beans and rice and set his tribe's shelter on fire. It's not because he wants them to suffer or fail, it's because he wants them to experience the same anxiety he is experiencing. It's not enough for Lil Hantz to learn life lessons on his own. He has to force them on anyone and everyone around him who will listen. He has to cram it down their throats and dribble it into their beans.

Thankfully, for Baklava, Lil Hantz decides not to defecate in the food supply. Instead, he tells his tribe that the next time they go to Tribal Council, he will calmly and casually volunteer to go home. This is all fine and inconvenient and whatnot and, normally, it could be something for the tribe to absorb and get past. But. But! Lil Hantz, doing that honesty diarrhea thing of the mouth he does so well, also tells his tribe that they could have woken up eating Arroz con PeePee with a side of Refried Urine Beans. Naturally, the tribe, particularly Corinne, is horrified. She wants Lil Hantz and his pee-rific Mexican menu off the island as soon as possible.

As night turns to day and darkness gives way to light, so does Lil Hantz. Today, with the breeze gently blowing and the sun peeking through the clouds, Lil Hantz has decided that even though he's here for selfish reasons and those reasons eat away at him like a flesh eating bacteria, he will stay and play as hard as he can. In fact, he no longer wants to quit now. So if all y'all can forget that stuff about the marinated beans and yellow rice, Lil Hantz promises not to burn your bed while your sleep. He's thought long and hard about it and even though greed has the camp wrapped like a mosquito net, he'll go out there and give 110%. I mean, it is a Reward Challenge after all. And who doesn't love a Reward?!


And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, two members of each tribe will hold onto a rope attached to a net. The remaining members of the tribes will then shoot coconuts into the nets making them heavier and heavier. The last tribe member left holding onto the net wins Reward for their tribe. Wanna know what you're playing for? An incredibly ridiculous barbecue that none of you deserve yet because it's way too early in the game for you to win such extravagant meals.

Since the Favorites have 85 people too many, Mascaroni (Andrea), Calgon (Dawn) and Erik will sit out. We have Phillip and Lil Hantz holding the nets for Baklava and Michael and Duck Dynasty holding the nets for Goiter. Survivors ready, go!

The shooting starts with Dame Reynold quickly scoring for the Goiters. Mowgli (Brenda) shoots and scores for the Baklavas while Freebush trips over her reindeer legs and spills a handful of coconuts over the side of a cliff. While she tumbles down after them, Golden Boy (Malcolm) begins shooting his coconuts underhanded from between his legs (rawr) which the others quickly copy. And then, as if a silent agreement was made from one Goiter's eyes to another, the Goiters band together (sans Freebush who is now stuck in a tree hanging precariously over raging waters) to target Lil Hantz's net.


"Kunta Kinte!"
"Excuse me Phillip, do you have something to say?"
"Django!"
"Come again?"
"Miss Jane Pittman!"
"Are you just yelling the names of movie slaves?"
"Mammy!"
"Two can play this game. Prissy!"
"Amistad!"
"Amistad was the boat you twit."
"Ya mon. No woman, no cry."
"Oh shut up!"


Meanwhile, Dame Reynold continues to lob coconut after coconut into Lil Hantz's net. Lovely soft air balls that land with a weighty kerplunk and rip the young lad's hands to shreds. Try as hard as he might, Lil Hantz begins to lose his grip on the coarse hemp. It tears through his skin and releases the giant of coconuts which lands at the precise moment that Freebush has crawled her way back into the game area. All we see now are tufts of blonde air and tanned ankles poking out from under the pile o'nuts. Brandon is out and Freebush is probably dead.


With Lil Hantz out and only Phillip left to redeem the Favorites, Golden Boy tosses all his nuts into Duck Dynasty's net sending him out of the competition with a glorious "Quack!" And that leaves us with Phillip versus Michael. With Michael holding his rope like it's a piece of fancy alpaca yarn he's about to turn into a cable knit sweater, his net drops, Phillip shouts, "Mr. Tibbs!" and FAVORITES WIN REWARD!!!


Back at Goiter, Theddie (Eddie) is exthremely frusthrated. He was convinced that with Whippet out of the picture, they had no choice but to win. This was supposed to be their big turnaround not another loss! Dame Reynold then slowly rises and approaches the foot candles. "We need to try something new," he says. "We need to try something new," Michael echoes. "This isn't working," Dame Reynold says. "This isn't working," Michael nods. Meanwhile, Freebush sits alone in the Mezzanine grumbling to herself about how getting rid of Whippet didn't help them out in the challenges after all. She sticks a Playbill in her mouth in an effort to keep her mouth shut instead of screaming over the balcony that the plan to keep the muscle isn't working. Um, pork chop, the tribe still has you! YOU were the one Dimples called worthless in the challenge. YOU are just as bad as Whippet. So please, keep that Playbill in your mouth a little longer until it dawns on you just how physically unfit you truly are.


With another loss behind them and nothing else to do, the Goiters begin to rise one by one and steal themselves away from the camp. First, Freebush tumbles down the theatre stairs and out into the foyer. Next, Dame Reynold gathers his fan, his sword, his petticoat and his parasol before sneaking out into the woods. Right behind him, Michael holds his breath and tiptoes in Reynold's footprints which are easy to spot because he likes to wear a distinctive "Louis" heel when he's performing. Even Theddie and Duck have set out on their own journeys. All have the same goal and none are bothering to keep it a secret - it's Idol Hunting Time. Since Dame Reynold played his last week, another one must be out there somewhere.


Speaking of Dame Reynold, here he comes. I can hear his skirts swishing. "Quick, Producer fellow, place that pouch right there at the base of the tree. No, don't even bother to hide it. Just set it down. Ok, now get out of frame. Here he comes!" With his petticoats grazing over pebbles and leaves, Dame Reynold glances down while looking through his opera glasses. With one toe daintily peeking out from underneath his skirts, he curtsies to the side, picks up the velveteen pouch, opens it revealing an Idol and declares to the monkeys and tapiers at the back of the house, "This... *pause for dramatic effect* is how you play Survivor." And then he fist pumped and rubbed it against his butt.

Over at Baklava, there's a feast a-cookin'! Our very own Lil Hantz is flipping steaks and grilling some veggies. But what should be a happy moment isn't all that festive. Lil Hantz is sullen and quiet as he pokes a pork chop on the grill. When the group finally settles in to enjoy their bounty, Calgon and Erik are quick to compliment the young lad on how well he did in the competition. They did it for two reasons: 1) They could clearly sense that Lil Hantz was melancholy and 2) Brandon may have dropped his net, but he fought through the pain and handled a hell of a lot of coconuts while he was out there. So we can look at Calgon and Erik with big smiles and nod at them. They were simply doing their part to help lift Brandon's spirits. But then, we hear it... from across the picnic table...

"When I was playing basketball for the 4H club and intramural water polo for SD-6, I learned how to hold a net of coconuts the right way. It's all about upper body strength."

And just like that, Lil Hantz is awakened from his melancholy slumber. Just like that, with Phillip Sheppard *clicks heels* taking ownership of the tribe's win for himself, that little fiber in the prefrontal cortex of Lil Hantz's brain snaps and the embers in his belly begin to burn. And then when Corinne asks if they should reassemble their wet shelter and Phillip replies that he needs to save his energy in order to win the next challenge, a whoosh! goes off in Lil Hantz's upper respiratory area as his soul ignites and his entire face begins to turn a lovely Chanel Red. He can't take it anymore! He can't! And neither can I. I'm sick of Phillip sauntering around camp with his stupid names and his stupid stories and his ridiculous weapons and imaginary comrades. I'm sick of it! I don't want to watch The Phillip Sheppard Show anymore. If I was a Nielsen family, I'd give The Phillip Sheppard Show a negative eleventeen in my ratings book. So when little poots of smoke start to eek out of Lil Hantz's ears and the whites of his eyes begin to turn yellow, I get it. I GET IT! I so get it. I get it and I can now kick back with a glass of Chablis thrilled that someone else is about to do what I've wanted to do since day one. It is extremely satisfying that someone finally has the cajones to call that ridiculous Phillip Sheppard out on his parlor games.

And that is what this is all about. This isn't about CBS casting someone unfit for the show. This isn't about a network being irresponsible for letting an unstable kid be broadcast to millions of people. This is about someone finally being brave enough to speak up for what you and I have been thinking about Phillip Sheppard ever since we met him back in Nicaragua. He is a ridiculous clown who lives in a land of make believe. If anyone is being exploited here, it's Phillip Sheppard - not Brandon.

So imagine my surprise when The Dominatrix and The Fornicator stand on the sidelines as Brandon confronts Phillip and shake their heads - tsk tsk - at how Brandon has finally gone off the deep end. Yo, Corinne, Lil Hantz was defending you! Phillip gave you some cockamamie excuse about how he has to prepare for battle and can't fix the shelter now and since you're too much of a pussy not to question him about it, Brandon did it for you. You should say, "Thank you" not run to a camera and call him crazy. And you, Golden Boy, you make fun of Phillip all the time! You snicker behind his back and talk about how ridiculous Stealth R Us is every time someone gets a new nickname.


Meanwhile, in the next shot, this is what we get: "I'm not going to have some young punk tell me to shut up! He just doesn't know. I'm a street fighter." *sighs* No, Phillip, you are not a street fighter. You are not Chief Indian. You are not Girl Scout of the Year. You are not a member of the Jets from West Side Story. You did not kill Abu Nazir. Sydney Bristow is not your partner and you do not report to the President. Joe Carroll is not telling you what moves to make and you are not a member of Originals. How do I know you're not a member of the Originals? I know you're not a member of the Originals because the Originals is a fictitious group of vampires from a CW show. What you are is a pathological liar who keeps getting cast on a TV show purely for us to laugh at. Only, you're not that funny. You're kind of old and sad and you make us all wonder why you're not being medicated.

Oh, I'm not done ranting...

Hasn't someone ever chewed their food too loudly or snapped their gum like a cow to the point that it makes you want to yank your hair out of your head? Has someone slurped their Dorito fingers so loudly that you finally snapped and told them to cut it out? Personally, I do it all the time. I'll tell strangers in movie theaters to stick a cork in it when they're open mouth munching on their popcorn. I glare at a passenger in the seat next to me on an airplane because I know she just farted. I know it. I heard it and I know it so now I'll glare at her and let her know that I know it and hope she doesn't do it again. You see, I'm out here trying to make the world a better place and I think my buddy, Lil Hantz, is doing the exact same thing.

Only Lil Hantz has those pesky moral dilemmas that I don't that make him ferocious one minute and like a pussycat the next minute. So after sticking up for an ungrateful Corinne, Lil Hantz goes to talk to Phillip to try to straighten things out. Only Phillip is still off in Never Never Land. He tells Lil Hantz that he was working his way up the corporate ladder and about to be invited to the next board meeting, but he slapped the gift horse and now it's back to the mail room for Lil Hantz. If I had a conversation like this with a giant douchebag like Phillip Sheppard, I don't know how I'd keep a straight face. I really don't. Could you do it? Lil Hantz, to his credit, keeps it together much better than I ever could. He knows that smacking a gift horse is the same thing as biting the hand that feeds which, oy, means that Phillip has just anointed himself as the hand that feeds.
And since you and I are getting to know Lil Hantz extremely well this episode, we know that this infuriates the young lad. Who the hell is Phillip to call all the shots? Why can't Brandon call his own shots? Why, indeed.


All this turmoil, this angst, once it is let out into the ether, it spreads and infects. This current rift has reached the heavens and caused the sky to open up and cry in response. It's raining, bitches! It's raining at Goiter and it's raining at Baklava. The Survivors are wet and bloated lying in the open air wishing for grim death. But at Baklava, one Survivor in particular isn't letting a rain sour his puss. It's Lil Hantz! In fact, he's rolling up his sleeves and trying to lighten the mood with a nice cozy fire for his tribe mates. But once that fire is lit and those flames go shooting up and reflect into his glassy eyes, they keep shooting and keep reflecting... all the way down into Lil Hantz's soul. That wasn't just a fire he made. That was a mission statement. A manifesto. A new tattoo. Lil Hantz doesn't bite Phillip's hand that feeds. He feeds himself, "I'm a Hantz! I FEED ME!"

I'm a Lala. I feed me too! *pours a tumbler of gin*

But before Lil Hantz or myself could feed anyone anywhere, Cochran reads a Tree Mail for the next Immunity Challenge. Phillip listens carefully and then decides that instead of winning this next challenge like he said he would, instead of "leading" his tribe to victory, he wants to throw the competition and get rid of that firestarter Lil Hantz because, and I quote, "He's not sane." Phillip Sheppard, street fighter and CEO of a fictitious corporation, has just called someone else insane. Oh, this is just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. He then tells Mascaroni that they should throw the challenge to get rid of Lil Hantz and, wait for it, she agrees! Up until this point, Lil Hantz hasn't done anything but defend Corinne, question Phillip, and light a fire. Who is the paranoid one here? Inspector Gadget, that's who.


Now, Lil Hantz may have a straw hat for a family crest (HATZ) and may not know how to properly say every single vocabulary word out there, but his instincts aren't so bad. Something in the awkward air at camp tells him that Phillip is planning to throw the challenge. Not only does it strike Lil Hantz as ungrateful (since he apologized and takes care of the fire around the clock), but he's beginning to boil. All the juices and embers in his gut are starting to swirl together and if he doesn't do something physical, he could spontaneously combust. But first, he'll confront Phillip in a civilized manner and ask what's going on.


Standing in the rain with nothing to hide, Lil Hantz tells Phillip that he thought they squashed their disagreement. He thought everything between them was OK now. Phillip looks at him quizzically and asks,
"So what are you supposing? You are making a supposition which means you are supposing." 
"I was talking to Mascaroni and she told me you wanted me out."
"I'm not sure I can trust you. Your activities have been pretty active. You've been sharing information with other people."
"When I pulled you into Stealth R Us..."
"Can you drop the Stealth R Us? It's like playing with a child."
*whips right breast out and dunks into a bowl of red glitter*
"It's true. It's true."
"Nobody is the Exfoliator or the Exterior or the Exterminator. It's really bullshit."
*whips out left breast and dunks into bowl*
"Actually, it's really fun for us."
"It's not! Nobody likes it! Nobody likes their name! Everyone, actually, doesn't like you!"
*dunks head in bowl and blows*

*stands as red glitter rains onto the carpet and applauds*
Lil Hantz, thank you. Bless you. Thank you for telling that twit how ridiculous he is. Look, watch, I'm gonna dunk my ass just for you. *dunks ass* See? Pretty.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that in that above conversation is when Lil Hantz finally became a man. When he told Phillip how childish and completely rah-tarded his laughably phony office games are, his balls dropped. I felt it. There was a distinct *thwump thwump* that jostled North America last night.


And then... and then... they kind of crawled back up a little bit because Lil Hantz promptly dumped out both the rice and the beans. *sigh* It was funny and dramatic though. I'll give him that. That's our Brandon! *jaunty music plays before mashing into the Cape Fear theme*


Immediately, Calgon scurries over to the spilled rice with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser and some good old fashioned elbow grease. She shows Erik how to scrub each grain ever so gently before instructing Corinne and Mowgli on how to use Soft Scrub on beans. She has a casserole planned for tonight and some little boys fighting is not going to stop her!

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys!


Dimples takes one look at Lil Hantz shuffling back and forth and knows something is amiss.
"Lil Hantz, how are you doing?"
"I had a little outburst this morning. Can I talk to the other tribe?"
"Sure."
"DON'T LET PHILLIP WIN!!!"

Dame Reynold then saunters Center Stage and dramatically opens a hand painted Chinese fan, "Wh-where are you going?" *fan flutters*
Before Lil Hantz can answer him, Corinne raises her hand, "We realize this is a challenge for Immunity. We would like to forfeit the Challenge and go forward to Tribal."
*a single drop of pee runs down Dame Reynold's stockings*
"We respect the game and hope you respect our decision to go to Tribal."
"They don't respect the game! Let me help you out here, they don't respect the Fans! That's bullshit!"
Lil Hantz then turns to the Fans telling them how much he loves underdogs only to be interrupted by Dimples who calls him over to stand next to him. "OK Lil Hantz, tell us what's going on."


And then Lil Hantz goes. He goes and he goes and he goes for Phillip's jugular. He tells the Fans about their cartoon names back at Baklava and how degrading it is to be treated like paper dolls. He doesn't stop there though. Oh no! Here is where he really delivers the goods, "Stop talking 'bout yourself! Boston Rob took you to the end of the game!" *bites fist and giggles* "You ain't gonna tell me you running the game! I took MYSELF out of the game!" And there you have it. Lil Hantz wants to be the arthur of his own elimination. There is no way in hell he is going to let some guy who talks to feathers be the architect of his demise. And you know what? I don't think it's all that crazy. There is only so much you can take from someone where you just finally put your foot down and reclaim you. So, while everyone out there is saying that Brandon is the crazy one, I respectfully disagree. I am awarding my point to Phillip. Phillip Sheppard wins the crazy contest hands down.

Oh, but we're not done! Lil Hantz then lays it all out for us. He tells us that he had a difficult time after he first played Survivor. It changed his life and it changed who he was as a person. Watching himself onscreen, he didn't like what he saw - none of us did! This time around, he made the conscious effort to not let anyone walk all over him episode after episode. The problem is that not only did Phillip start to walk all over him, but the rest of his phony corporation was too afraid to stand up for themselves in the process. Sure, Lil Hantz could have tried harder, but, somehow, Phillip has all those dimwits snowed. They're listening to him, doing his bidding and even playing along with his cockamamie games. To a person like Brandon who can't keep his feelings bottled up, it was like living in a pressure cooker.


In the end, after a deep tissue massage from Dimples and more tears from Mascaroni, the Favorites, in a live Tribal Council vote, unanimously make Brandon the 6th person voted out of Survivor Caramoan. It is especially unfortunate it went down like that because it looks like the tribes will be shuffled next week. But hey, Lil Hantz, I don't think you're nuts. I think Phillip is the real tribe psycho and you probably dealt with him much better than I ever could. Good luck to you and thank you for not being a Jesus freak this time around.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Is Brandon as crazy as everyone says or is Phillip the true culprit? If you had to share a living space with Phillip, would you kill yourself or the rice? If the tribes get shuffled, which one gets the Mr. Clean Beans? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!






57 comments:

  1. I think I could deal with Phillip a bit better than Brandon, at least you can humor Phil, play along, even take him to the end to win a million, it is a game after all. Lil Hantz, that baby has a temper...

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  2. While I won't defend Lil Hantz as rigorously as you, I completely agree on Phillip. The weekly "Phillip Show" segments got old before the first one ended, and somebody had to stand up to him. Now about that little erotic rubdown Probst gave Brandon - ewwww. I about lost it when Probst started babbling about the integrity and honor of the Hantz family. Up to that moment, it was a great scene.

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  3. This has turned into the Jerry Springer show. And that is not a compliment. At worst, Probst has propelled the show into the lower tier of reality shows. The producers have become bottom feeders, sucking around in the dark and murky depths for that last revenue dollar.

    Can you believe that the Allison Grodner-like producer put another idol into Reynold Biceps tight pockets? The producers must really want him to make it to the merge. I expect "reality scripting" from Grodner's Big Brother, but am I being too obtuse as a Survivor watcher from Day 1 to expect very little outside manipulation? Or is this no longer a social experiment, but rather a Housewives of Beverly Hills knockoff without the horrific plastic surgery?

    Just another season with a retread cast of "favorites" that we didn't like the first time with yet another CBS-coddled Hantz...and yes, this season features a bipolar breakdown. Tune in this week for an "historic" episode, the trailer said...

    Soon the producers will need to hide the machetes instead of the idols.

    I don't know, bitches. This whole Brandon thing makes me feel really skanky for participating, for watching, for supporting.

    I'm having a crisis of conscience here.

    Maybe I should go talk to my therapist...again.

    -Restless Wrestler

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    1. Yeah.. last night was not fun. It was brutal. They may have jumped the shark for me.

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  4. I was watching with a bowl of glitter in my lap when Phillip yelled out "Kunte Kinte". I snorted and had glitter everywhere. I'm still chuckling about that.

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  5. The problem with your question, Lala, is its premise. It's not an either/or situation. Philip's being crazy doesn't make Brandon sane. I agree that Brandon was speaking the truth in his rant, and agree that Philip wins the prize for most annoying person ever on Survivor, and that living with him day in and day out would be just about impossible. But the other tribe mates, who ARE sane, placate Philip, laugh quietly behind his back, and go about the business of trying to win challenges and manage camp life. Because Philip is physically strong, he is an asset to be tolerated, at least for now. But Brandon, who is demonstrably emotionally unbalanced, possibly bipolar, and who has serious issues with rage and was quite obviously in danger of becoming violent, can't just shine Philip on because his emotions are already so turbulent it takes little for him to lose control. That is not normal. All of us are annoyed by lots of things every day, but most of us learn how to manage ourselves so that a)we don't harm ourselves by going off the deep end and having heart attacks or strokes, and b) we don't harm others by hitting them, peeing on their food or whatever, and hardly any of us consider burning things down just because we're pissed off. Brandon is truly disturbed. So is Philip, in my opinion, but in a harmless, delusional, wandering street-person sort of way that poses no threat of harm. Watching Brandon fall apart in his first season was deeply unnerving, and seeing him lose it last night was even worse. He is not okay. Listening to him talk to Dalton Ross today in the EW Online interview was not reassuring, either. The boy may have voiced all the things that were bugging all of us about Philip, and that may have been a relief to some, but the concerns about Brandon's mental health are real and justified. And the concerns about the producers' judgement in bringing both him and Philip back are especially in question right now, as anyone who saw either of those two men the first time around could have predicted something like this. It makes me think they put the two together in the hopes that it would lead to "good television", and if so, that decision indicates a level of cynicism that is more disturbing than anything we saw on TV last night. It means they have completely lost sight of the fact that these people are not "characters" but real human beings, and that is a dangerous point to reach.

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    1. I feel for Brandon's wife and kids. They must live in absolute terror. :(

      I actually felt sorry for Philip in this episode, and I hate philip. But he carried himself with polish and professionalism. And i hope he gets voted out next week hahaha

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    2. This, totally. I CAN NOT STAND Phillip and have never found him funny. He's obnoxious and crazy, but like she said, it's more in the harmless, wandering sort of way. I think Brandon straight-up has some serious issues; having a cousin who is bi-polar, I am willing to bet this is his issue (or one of them). The fact that he thinks he's fine? That's even scarier. :( I worry for the safety of his family. I listened to an interview with Edna Ma from South Pacific and while not a psychiatrist, she is a doctor and has said the same thing. Even RUSSELL has said he thinks Brandon should go talk to somebody, and that's coming from Russell lol.

      I felt super uncomfortable at the end of the episode... it became difficult to watch, TBH.

      Delete
  6. I agree with Colette *completely. Sure, Brandon is a unstable and a bit of a hot-head. He's young, a Hantz, and a religious freak: a toxic trinity. So this goes without saying.

    But Philip is fucking unbearable! Not only is he totally insane, but he's a complete narcissist and an egotistical douchebag. He's also been tormenting Brandon for days (you're just middle-management, staying in the game by my grace). I'm surprised Brandon didn't snap earlier.

    Most of what Brandon said about Philip was spot-on, and it was cathartic to watch. Even considering that Brandon's rant was rather unhinged and that he effectively quit the game, there was something dignified and even noble about what he did.

    If you want to criticize Survivor for exploiting the mentally ill for our entertainment, you should focus on PSTD/alcoholic Shamar and schizophrenic, clinically delusional Philip Shepard. Brandon is just an average fucked-up kid, although one with some insight and, as Colette said, some good instincts.

    ReplyDelete
  7. A brief P.S. to my earlier comment:

    Restless Wrestler's remark about hiding the machetes reminded me that in a secret scene on the CBS site, Brenda said they were so afraid of Brandon's anger they were thinking they needed to hide the machete. That is pretty serious.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So confused...
    What do you mean by Arthur??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It sounded like he said "Arthur" instead of "author." In fact, I think he'd said Arthur once or twice. It's meant to be funny. That's all.

      Delete
  9. Brandon is unstable.You can't blame Philip for Brandon's unstableness.Just like one commenter said,every one else tolerates Philip,laughs behind his back,and keep it moving.Not Brandon.He sees Philip as an jackass(and rightly so),and yet Philip is leading the tribe.It has been going downhill for Brandon every since the middle management comment.Really since day 3 when they thought they had the votes to keep Franchesca,but Philip's alliance was the dominate alliance.He said then ,on day 3/4 that he was going out with a bang.It seemed like he had to prove that he could be as ruthless as his uncle,and he didn't want to be blind sided like he was his first season.After Brandon drops his coconuts,watch how he looks at Philip.Mano-o-Mano.A pissing contest.Also Mascaroni may as well have yelled "fire" in a crowded movie theater.Maybe if she had kept the conversation with her,and Philip private,maybe the rice,and beans would have been spared.If CBS really care about the contestants on their show,they should provide some kind of after care,so they can get the help they need.With so many people upset about the show,who turned the channel?I enjoyed the show,and I don't blame Philip (as annoying as he is)for Brandon's meltdown,or CBS.As Brandon said he's the author of his fate.

    ReplyDelete
  10. @ Facts Please: I agree with you about Shamar's PTSD. I said, right from the start, that this season featured three genuine head-cases, and I was worried about all of them and their tribe-mates. I sincerely hope that the producers of this show are paying attention to the many commentaries on the decision to cast these three men. It has not been a pleasant season to watch. Like Anonymous above, I have been uncomfortable watching it.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I thought it was a pretty sad episode. Our Lala is to be congratulated for finding a way to spin it as funny. I do not exclude the possibility that the Hantz clan stole her entire supply of gin and glitter and would only give it back if she found a way to make their boy look good.

    Brandon was a danger to himself and others. He should never have been cast. He should have been medically evacuated immediately after the rice and beans incident. The evacuation should have been off camera. People with delusional ideas about their own importance should not have those delusions reinforced.

    Frankly someone should carry out Brandon's threat of what to do to the rice and beans and the casting director should then be forced to eat them. I want to watch Survivor. I do not want to watch Brandon and Shemozzle emote about how they do not want to play Survivor. If they don't want to play Survivor that's fine. Don't cast them.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Phillip is a douche but a harmless douche. Brandon on the other hand is in need intensive anger management/ psychiatric help. His letting Phillip get under his skin to that extent was a completely off the chart response. I don't blame the Fav. tribe for instantly wanting him gone, did you see his eyes. Hide the machete and don't go to sleep...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Frankly, Brandon is just your garden variety narcissist. He ran head first into another certified narcissist who performed better at challenges, took the tribal reins earlier than expected, and maneuvered faster than him. He needed to be the star player in redemptive fashion and he was outfoxed.

    I don't believe any of his ' family man' crap either. He had a wife and kids when he agreed to come back, same as the day he realized that pink panties was running the show and he had to selflessly leave to return to them? BS proved to be true the very next day when he *again* auditioned for the role of tribal savior by agreeing to stay after all. What an angel for not pissing in the beans. Please.
    We witnessed a full on temper tantrum is all that happened. Hantz style. He shouldn't have been given the courtesy of a fake tribal send off with Dimples patting his ass either. The whole thing was pathetic and easily avoided. Stop. Using. The. Hantz. Family. They have jumped the shark.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Lovely, lilting, beglittered Lala,

    For the record, I am no Hantz fan.
    And you know what?
    I didn't think it was all that crazy, either.

    For as gracelessly as it was handled, the laying bare
    of Sr. Vice President of Pink BVDs Sheppard
    could not have been more beautiful.

    Reclamation can be a wonderful thing.

    and mentioning Brandon's kids…?
    c'mon.

    Just one man's thoughts.

    And might I suggest a new code-name for the CEO of Stealth-R-Us;
    The Proctologist.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Colette, I couldn't agree with you more. I was getting pretty tired of reading in blog after blog how utterly "bats-in-the-belfry" crazy Brandon is. He's young and intense, and dumping the food was kind of impulsive, but come on. As far as I'm concerned, he was just speaking truth to power (and how I hate to admit that Philip is actually the "power". So so tired of him. Please let him leave soon) It was beauty.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am going to ask you to share this. Not one of those you are a dork or you don’t believe in Jesus if you don’t share or you are somehow an inferior human being if you don’t share request. This is something I feel strongly about, share if you want to.

    Most of you know I am stupid crazy about Survivor, I have spent many years and much energy pursuing my dream of playing the game. I have a son who is Bi-Polar and I work with kids effected by mental health issues. Survivor and mental health, these are two subjects completely separate from each other that I have strong opinions about.

    In last night’s episode of Survivor they came together in a way that left me feeling heavy hearted, slightly ill and wanting to let someone know that it was not OK. The producers of my favorite show exploited a contestant’s mental health issues for profit (ratings). Brandon Hantz’s meltdown was promoted extensively as the “much watch episode”. Jeff Probst tweeted regarding the lack luster response to the season “it’s ramping up” speaking about last nights episode. I felt like CBS was selling tickets to drive by a fatal accident on the freeway.

    Mental health problems are not a laughing matter nor should they be prime time entertainment. Survivor dropped way down into the daytime, Jerry Springer type TV genre. If Brandon’s suicide was announced on the news tonight would any of you be surprised? Let’s poke him until he explodes, it will be great! How is this being responsible? I blame the media for promoting and myself for watching.

    The school shootings, so prevalent lately, are not about guns. They are about mental health and bullies and looking the other way. Guns are the easier target. Mental health care costs money, and time. It takes compassion and empathy and actual roll up your sleeves work.

    CBS, SEG I hope you get this message and make the effort to do better.

    Sincerely,

    Leslie Black

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Leslie,
      I have never posted on this blog, but I felt compelled after reading your terrific, insightful comment. You stated everything that I was thinking, particularly linking mental health to the school shootings. Mental health issues in this country are either ignored or exploited rather than being given the appropriate attention and care that they call for.

      Delete
  17. So far, I think this season kind of blows. I tune in for the entertainment value of watching people play the game, not for watching psychotic unstable douchebags fight with each other. I fully agree with Lala that someone needed to stand up to Pink Panties Prick, but I will always think that Lil Hantz is a complete jackass from his "Let's get rid of every hot Jezebel because I know that it is only Lucifer tempting me" bullshit. What a dick. Could you imagine being married to that unstable, bipolar man? I would love for them to interview his poor wife to see how she puts up with him. The only thing I learned from this episode is that I'm sure his wife takes a good long whiff of anything she eats before consuming it.....

    Brandon: "Here, honey-I made you a poo poo platter. Try it."

    Wife: "Uh--no thanks."

    Brandon: "Eat it. I made it especially for you."

    Wife: "I really don't want to."

    Brandon: "EAT THIS FUCKING PLATTER BEFORE I DROP A DEUCE DIRECTLY DOWN YOUR THROAT."

    Wife: "Um. OK. Thank you, Sir--may I have another?"

    Brandon: "That's my girl. Don't you feel better now that you have been the nice subservient wife that I force you to be?"

    Wife: "Yes, Dear"

    ReplyDelete
  18. This has been so depressing. I hope things pick up next week. Lala, brilliant as usual.

    ReplyDelete
  19. There is a BIG difference between being a true villain like Russel and just being a stupid asshole like Brandon. Brandon continuously says he will out do his uncle. Russel in his 1st 2 seasons manipulated people, lied, and caused dissentia in his tribe without them knowing. He was in a great alliance and lied, cheated and backstabbed all of them without ever letting on. That is a true villain.

    Brandon throws tantrums, goes berzerk, spews crap about jesus, rants, raves, threatens to burn the camp down and piss in their food. That is not being a villain that is just being an asshole that will get your tribe to give up immunity/throw the challenge and vote you ass out.

    I think Phillip is a big ole douche bag too but the other tribe mates just humor him cuz he has been really good in challenges helping them win. The last 3 challenges have been so close with Phillip helping them win by a micro second. He has not been so intolerable and out of control that no one could stand to have him around which was the case with Brandon. People said they didn't feel safe with him there.

    I want CBS to be done with the Hantz family. We don't care about them and we don't want every show, every episode and every damn season to be about them.

    It is REALLY sad when the sanest one in the family is Russel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One good part about having Russell back every season would be that he would always go home early--now that everyone knows what he is and what he does--and that would sting his pride and begin the humanitarian process of deflating that massive ego of his (if such a thing is even possible). But certainly, no more Brandon!

      J-Bird

      Delete
  20. So, Brandon, you read this stuff I know. As someone whose spouse has your basic personality issues, I want to recommend a few things that have worked for her. Meditation. Limited Alcohol. Acupuncture. Serious exercise. Lexapro. A realization that no, you are not really right in the head but a lot of other people aren't either. Look at information on impulse control and BPD. You will spare yourself a lot of pain if you think about this kind of stuff and act on at least some of it. And yes, Philip is an asshole. But that is his problem and making it yours wont help you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just for the record, even though I was close with Willie over the summer, I don't think any Hantz has ever read my blogs, if they have, they've never bothered to let me know.

      Delete
    2. Sorry, as well-intentioned as it might be, medically diagnosing someone you watch on TV, to say nothing of prescribing treatments and medication for them, is fucking irresponsible.

      One might even say crazy.

      There's lots of self-righteous judgment going on here and elsewhere aimed at Brandon masquerading as oh-so-sincere concern and even psychological counselling. Can't help but wonder how much of this is just projection: people feeling better about their own issues by looking down at him.

      Delete
    3. @Facts: sounds like you wouldn't be able to find water if you fell out of a boat. Its obvious (perhaps to everyone but you, since I guess you are paralyzed by the prospect of judging anything except people who judge) that the guy is a few sandwiches short of a picnic right now. I'm not a doctor nor do I pretend to be. But it is not irresponsible or crazy to suggest to someone who is obviously in need of some help with emotional control to get it particularly in this context which does nothing but invite opinions and reaction (as it is designed to do). It's actually irresponsible not to,long as you are not meddling overly much.

      Delete
  21. If Mascaroni had not told Lil Hantz what Phillip had told her just a minute before, things may not have gone down like they did. It's so true Lala that Phillip is the crazy one and although the Stealth alliance know he is crazy none of them have the ability to question him or especially lose it like Brandon did.

    But really Probst and SEG got what they expected when they teamed these two together, it was so obvious Brandon would explode in the end. I don't defend his actions like you strongly do but He rightfully told him what we all think of him, that this alliance and the characters are just bullshit. I also liked the Boston Rob reference.

    And how stupid is Reynold, "oh can you do that thing with your hands" and all those dumbass faces he was pulling.

    Great recap this week Miss Lala, really really good.

    ReplyDelete
  22. After this episode, I think I have enough evidence to say this: this season is
    probably fixed. Think about it. Phillip Sheppard wins every challenge. And by like 2 seconds. Evdery time. Nobody can take. Stealth R Us for that long. Mascaroni didnnt blab as mush last season shee was in, and finally, Brandon wasn't a psycho in South Pacific, just a complete moron and a dumbass. Colette, I swear your blog is better than the actual show. Thanks for makingthis downward. Spiral of a show entertaining. Sincerely, Jakob Broome

    ReplyDelete
  23. Is no one else baffled by the fact that Probst and the Survivor producers allowed Brandon to spout off like that in from of the other tribe? After Lil' Hantz is long gone there is still a game to be played and now the fans have insider information about the favorites. Phillip gets on my nerves too but it seems unfair to me that Brandon was allowed to air his dirty laundry (as it were) about him in front of the fans and made Phillip a target after the merge before he would no doubt have done it to himself. I think as soon as Brandon popped his cork just prior to the immunity challenge Probst should have excused the fans and either gotten Brandon under control or allowed him to leave the game. For me it was like allowing the fans to watch a tribal council and collect information and form opinions about the players on the facorites tribe before the merge. Phillip is a douche bag but but he was cast into the game and to me therefore deserves a level playing field.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I pretty sure they are scrambling the tribes next week, so it won't matter

      Delete
  24. I think the other members of Stealth R Us are pretty relaxed about Philip. He's strange and annoying, but he is not about to sabotage their camp or threaten violence, and he is apparently happy to carry a target on his back which makes life safer for them. If letting Philip rip to keep yourself in the game is bad strategy then Boston Rob is a truly terrible Survivor player.

    For a few seasons now Survivor has been edited very badly. In Nicaragua almost all the confessionals we saw were Brenda and Sash telling us they were in total control. They continued telling us that until shortly before Brenda was voted out. They did the same thing with Lucifer in his seasons. We are seeing one hell of a lot of Philip and very little of the other favourites.

    Survivor is about winning the game. It is not about calling out people you don't like. Pink panties and strange nicknames are not the same as sabotage and the threat of violence.

    I think it's also noteworthy that Philip walked away after the rice and beans incident which is the best thing he could have done. My job shows me quite a lot of people who are prone to violence and it looked a lot to me like Brandon was working himself up to a fight (repeated verbal challenges, striding backwards and forwards, aggressive posture).

    Calling out Philip may be an excellent thing in itself but its not an excuse for assault. This is supposed to be Survivor not The Hunger Games.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Admit it, playing to the death would be awesome!

      Delete
  25. Well, we all asked for it, after the Kim(Handlebar) takeover of the most boring Survivor season ever, we begged for more action. The producers, who must have been just elevated from interns, decide that three "controversial" characters were just the solution. None of the three were anywhere near as watchable as Russell Hantz, if you want Russell, bring him back every season. To the CBS executives, bring back the real producers from the early seasons that were able to give us real drama, no returnees, no immunity idols, no gimmicks, just take the cast profiles from the first season and pick the same type of people, easy, let Colette and her army do it, no problem. But maybe the producers are going after a different audience, if that is the case, good luck, you are losing the Survivor base, that last episode was very difficult to watch, and not entertaining, watch for the next Survivor season to have armed security on camera to protect the innocent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure I'd make a fantastic casting director. Nothing but drag queens and ex-cons.

      Delete
    2. If you're gonna start casting reality TV shows, you might be interested in this piece of professional advice:

      http://www.pedestrian.tv/features/entertainment/exclusive-big-brother-producer-talks-casting-disap/75cce664-f0fb-4d2d-b4b5-58f113d1054f.htm

      You probably won't be interested in this piece of advice from me though: cast yourself bitch. Preferably on Survivor. I can't think of anything I'd rather watch on TV more than you standing in the rain crying mascara tears, shivering, miserable and starving, while pleading with Jeff Probst for a bottle of wine reward.

      You'd go Brandon in a week, and I'd laugh harder than concrete.

      Delete
  26. I think they are both a little crazy, but at least Phillip isn't dangerous. Russell is crazy dangerous! I would much rather hang out in Phillip's world.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I do believe that Brandon has a few issues that need some attending, I also think that he knows he was cast as the next Russel and he was giving them exactly what the producers wanted, a blow up. At the end of the day Brandon delivered, while Phillip ran away like a school boy when he got what he asked for, a pissed of kid playing a role for a reality show.

    While Brandon clearly had some serious anger towards Phillip, he never once brought anything other than game behavior up in his rant against Phillip. However, Phillip sunk really low when he started to bring up Brandon's personal life in his pathetic response to Brandon, not only did he cross the line in that regard, the "Specialist" didnt even have the parts to own his bullshit, he out and out lied about how he has been behaving.

    While Brandon may lack self control, Phillip lacks self awareness and dignity.

    Great Blog as always lady!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I heard Brandon was also escorted out of Ponderosa because he was terrible to the staff and dangerous to continue having around. Can you imagine how fast he would have started a fight with Philip the second Philip landed at Ponderosa? The staffing directors at CBS ought to be fired. Brandon was batshit crazy in his first go 'round, what did they expect this time? This season hasn't been great, but much more entertaining than Kims or Boston Robs or even Coach's last seasons. But this last show made me sad.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Phillip is eccentric and might come across as annoying to others but its not harmless. The members of his tribe probably just laughed it off and didn't care about the stupid nicknames because its not that big of a deal. Plus, Phillip pointed out that if they really hated it so much they would vote him out. Brandon is unbalanced and bitter. Just because Phillip holds the majority alliance doesn't make him demeaning and Brandon's actions were embarrassing, rude (with the rice) and unnecessary. It truly seems like he has some issues to solve, which he should.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Who would've thought that in the Hantz family (Russell, Willie, and Brandon) that RUSSELL would be the sane one?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Least crazy is not necessarily sane.

      Delete
  31. I'm not gonna add to the cacophony about Brandon. I'm just glad he's out of the game, same as I'm glad Shamar is out of the game. Now we just need the last clown to, oh I dunno, self-destruct after five seconds? Get captured by the Vietcong? Be assassinated by a slingshot wielding tarsier? Then we can watch a proper game of Survivor, rather than a circus.

    I will comment about this week's blog though, because it merits some attention. My first smile occurred during the intro, but you don't deserve all the credit for that one 'cos it came about when my mind associated your characterisation of Brandon as a misunderstood, milk crate perching ranter of Truth with the "No safety zone" scene from Paris, Texas, and imagining Brandon screaming from the overpass amused me. A shared credit therefore, between you, me, Mr Farrell, Mr Shepard and Mr Wenders.

    There were plenty of smiles you deserve the entire credit for though. Too many to list here, lest my comment overstay its welcome (hi CheapRobot!) but I'll pick two highlights, 'cos I know how much you writer types just crave feedback:

    "With the moon as his key light and the thunder as his soundtrack..." Nice. Five foot candles.

    Dame Reynold gathering his fan, his sword, his petticoat and his parasol before tottering off into the woods in those green Louis heeled shoes caused me to laugh out loud. Ten foot candles.

    And now, I have a bone to pick with you.

    I just realised who that bitch was that kept glaring at me after I farted on that flight from LA last month. It was you! Do you have any idea how bad you made me feel? Your incessant glaring made me ashamed of my intestines. I suppose your farts don't stink, hmm? I suppose your farts are composed of glitter? Well you can just go to Hell, little Miss Glaring Glarer!

    Also, I don't care for your criticism of Corinne. I remind you that she did refer to Phillip as the most annoying person on the island, and that she made sure to snatch the wine from the reward spoils before anyone else - my kinda gal. Furthermore, it was Brenda, not Corinne, that asked Phillip about the shelter. Corinne was not ungrateful towards Brandon at all. You made a mistake. Now I get to glare at YOU.

    Glare.

    Glaare.

    GLAAARE!

    ReplyDelete
  32. My thoughts on Phillip Sheppard: he is fun to watch, but surely not fun to live with. It's not that the Baklavas are afraid to "stand up" to Phillip, it's just that they see no harm in his antics and, since he makes for the perfect shield in this game and does fairly well in the challenges, decide to just humor him. No one really thinks that he is a bully or is running the show except for Brandon Hantz, who, though perhaps justified to some extent for being irked by Special Agent Sheppard, was and always has been immature and an emotional and mental wreck, and wound up taking out all of his issues on Phillip. So, sorry, I cannot defend Brandon Hantz, or any Hantz for that matter! On the bright side for Lil Hantz, I'm sure that his family is proud of how he conducted himself. After all, has anyone else on this show ever done something to garner a massage from Dimples?

    P.S. I really hate Reynold, so I love that you christened him "Dame Reynold". It's quite the accurate portrayal.

    P.P.S. PRODUCTION--ENOUGH OF THIS WITH THE HIDDEN IMMUNITY IDOLS! Either hide them well like you used to, or hide only one per season. Despite what Dame Reynold insists, THERE IS NO SKILL TO FINDING A H.I.D. IN A CONSPICUOUS TREE CREVICE.

    J-Bird

    ReplyDelete
  33. If you can find a spare 20 minutes, I recommend Lil Hantz's exit interview with Mr Cesternino. The qualities you defend him for, his passion and genuineness, are in evidence, in addition to the qualities that make him very poor at Survivor - his incapacity for deception and the chip on his shoulder.

    and no, I won't stop glaring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not really a fan of Rob C.. Plus, I'm way too busy alphabetizing my cork collection to spare 20 minutes.

      Delete
  34. My dear Lala-ji

    I understand you are the arthur of this piece and that you are deeply concerned about spelling.

    Could I ask you, dear heart, to please spell my surname correctly in future?

    Mahatma Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Mohandas. And, my apologies. Fixed.

      Delete
  35. This season seems so staged. Phillip, Brandon, they're all playing to the cameras.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I am a little late to the party, but I have to say I agree with the previous remarks about Brandon. While I think that everything he said was true, what he did during his meldown was quite uncalled for. If he had a problem with Special Agent Sheperd (he was an Federal agent, you know) then plead your case to the rest of the tribe. What Lil Hantz did was akin to the kid who takes his ball and goes home when the other kids don’t want to play by his rules, or has some other disagreement with respect to what happened on the field. I couldn’t help thinking about how he would react to something he didn’t like back in the real world. Would he end up slapping around his wife if she pissed him off? What if he was doing something, say shooting pool, in a bar and there was a disagreement over the game play? Would it spill over to the parking lot and end up in a shootout? I had a friend who was like that in high school, always shooting off his mouth. It caught up to him a year after he graduated. He got into an argument with someone over a game of pool and as he was leaving the bar, took two slugs in the chest. What a waste. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Lil Hantz end up the same way.

    So, now all that being said… I have a couple of complaints. I don’t like the immunity idol being put back in play right away. And how fixed does it look to have Dame Reynold find it again, especially when he and Theddie are apparently the outsiders. Awfully convenient don’t you think? If they are going to put the idol back in play, then they need to wait a couple of days. Also, I would rather see them find clues to it and having it hidden in much more difficult locations. Places where you can’t just “stumble” across them.

    Freebush needs to be sent packing. She is weak. She complains that they never win challenges with Dame Reynold and Theddie, but never points out the fact that they were basically playing two people down with Whippet and her. They got rid of Whippet last week, and now they need to focus on getting rid of Freebush. Sadly though, it looks like they’ll be shaking things up next week, so someone other than the Goiters alone will have to worry about it.

    My favorite coming in was Mascaroni just because she’s a Sconnie, but man! She is playing a ridiculous game. The whole Brandon meltdown can be put at her feet. Maybe it was good that it got out there, but after she dropped the information on the conversation she had with SA Sheperd (did you realize he was a federal agent?). That’s like giving a gun to John Hinkley Jr. and then introducing him to John Lennon. She has done this a couple of times now. I don’t think she is going to be long for this game if she keeps running her mouth.

    I can’t wait to see how things get shuffled this week. I am expecting Dame Reynold and Theddie to be split up, and Special Agent Shepherd to be put on the same team with Dame Reynold, and Freebush to be put on the opposite side, maybe with Golden Boy and The Ice Cream Man, especially because of her disdain for the snot nosed little brats.

    ReplyDelete