Thursday, April 11, 2013

Masculine Tomfoolery


Strapping, virile, dragging lazy mosies in and out of the saloon, he smells of leather and a hard day's work. Or perhaps he's valiant and chivalrous. On a noble steed with sword drawn, the wind in his hair and a damsel in his sights. Climbing trellises and serenading balconies. Clinking of armor and adventure. Then we have the shirtless ones. Wild and unkempt. Tousled and messy. Clutching turkey legs and belching heartily in between butt smacks and crotch grabs. Whatever his nature, wherever he lurks... he is man. Heady, musky, untamed and sthometimesth silly. Man - woman's greatest foe and most delicious pleasure. You can't live with him and you can't legally stab him in the heart with a fiery hot poker from your fireplace on a lazy Saturday night because he said some smart ass comment two weeks ago that is still eating you up inside. Men! Burly or foppish. Spindly or hunky. Pecs and abs and loins and all the rest of it. Beer guzzling lotharios all sweaty and robust. Primal. Carnal. *dabs brow* To understand their actions is to delve inside their nature. Throw caution to the wind and let common sense dribble down the wayside. Forget to shower and surreptitiously hide the porn links in a secret folder called "Fantasy Football". Or maybe, just maybe, man is cunning and golden. A Spartan. A Trojan. Perceptive and plucky. Or maybe just lucky. Let's recap, shall we?


We continue our tawdry Filipino tale at the break of dawn. With the sun creeping gently above the horizon, a gaggle of monkeys scours the deserted shores for sustenance. Lifting rocks and sucking briney goodness from mysterious crustaceans, the monkey people retreat with partially filled bellies to the bamboo shelter they have come to call home. The self-appointed monkey king, Phillip, breaks the silence, "Can you believe it's been 200 days? We are going to DO IT. We have the solid numbers. Oh wait, I'm getting word from Langley... Mayday, mayday. Olympus has fallen. I repeat, Olympus has fallen. Chichaw!" Mascaroni (Andrea) quietly rolls her eyes to herself before making a quick getaway to somewhere, anywhere, far away from Phillip.


Dame Reynold, however, is reflective on this lazy morning. Last night at the theatre, there were some hiccups in the performance and a supporting player was sent home, but, you know what? He's still here, dammit. As long as some fresh-faced understudy (or Eve Harrington) doesn't come sweeping in to steal his role, the Dame is still a valuable part of this cast. He will continue to show up for rehearsals, continue to learn his lines, and continue to, night after night, paint his beauty mark, just so, on his right cheek. His ensemble is strong with fellow heartthrobs, Golden Boy (Malcolm) and Theddie (Eddie) and as far as Dame Reynold is concerned, he is in a good place right now. The out-of-town previews are getting promising reviews and it is only a matter of time before he becomes a permanent fixture on the main stage production.

But on this island of tragedy and comedy there also exists a farce. A sideshow so steeped in absurdity and nonsense that it gets its own special segment every. single. week. It is called The Phillip Sheppard Show and I, personally, can't wait for its cancellation. In this week's episode, Phillip has decided to woo Freebush (Sherri). While sitting side by side under the shade of a Eucalyptus tree, Phillip Sheppard leans over to whisper gently into Freebush's ear, "When I first saw you, I thought 'Man, she's hot!'" *gags* Freebush hides the horror in her eyes choosing to nod a meek "thank you" instead. Before Phillip can regale her with tales of how he's wooed women from here to Cartagena, Freebush quickly steers the conversation to the game and Gay's (Michael's) future in it. Phillip's reply is quick and decisive on all matters Gay, "He's gone." And then he continues...


"As The Specialist it is very important when I sussign you a name... Ten-a-city. Are you prepared to the accept the name? There's only one requirement to belong to Strelf R Crust. You must be loyal and absolutely trustworthy." Um Phillip, I don't mean to interrupt, but that makes TWO requirements, not one. OK continue. "Are you prepared to do that? Shake my hand. Welcome to the organization. Mowgli (Brenda) there is Inaudibility. We also have Golden Boy, known as The Fornicator." Freebush listens to all of this with a strained smile on her face and dead eyes. Not only does she have to play the game of Survivor, but now she has to play Make-Believe Corporate Organization with Phillip Sheppard. A children's Victorian parlour game was the last thing Freebush expected when she signed up to live on an island for a month, but she accepts the challenge with a brave face and draws on her experiences from managing her Del Carl's Bell Burgerdonald's back in Idaho. Arrogant premenstrual narcissistic teens are par for the course when you run fast food franchises in middle America. They're always sneaking fish nuggets and nacho wraps to their friends through the Drive Thru. And she hasn't met a teen yet who didn't stuff packets of ketchup and hot sauce into his backpack before punching out at the end of his shift. Phillip, like Shalimar (Shamar), is just another one of those snot-nosed brats she'll have to fight with over smoke breaks and force to wear a hair net when defrosting the Dorito buns. You didn't think those came fresh, did you?


And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge you will be divided up into two teams of five. You will have four shooters and one defender. The shooters will leap off a platform trying to throw a ball past the defender and into the net. The first team to score four points wins. Wanna know what you're playing for? You'll be taken to a majestic waterfall where you will be forced to leap down a steep cliff in order to enjoy a picnic lunch.

The orange team is as follows: The shooters are Dame Reynold, Erik, Theddie and Cochran. Golden Boy will be your defender.
The purple team is as follows: The shooters are Mowgli, Calgon (Dawn), Mascaroni and Phillip. Gay will be your defender.
Since Freebush completely sucks at challenges and could very well pop a breast while hitting the water, she'll sit out and not be allowed to take part in the Reward.
Survivors ready, go!


First up is Theddie. With a ready, sthet, go, Theddie leaps off the dock and hurls his ball directly into Golden Boy's hands.

Gay takes his position on the platform next as Mowgli whizzes the ball over his head and into the net. The score is now 1-0

Rather than go through each and every toss - as much as I enjoy watching Golden Boy fly through the air, this was an extremely tedious challenge - let's fast forward to the end with the score tied 3-3. Mowgli is up again and, while she is a mute, she has also proven to be a stealthy ninja in the challenges. Unfortunately for her, her ball bounces off the goal post and back into the water.


With the score still tied, it is now up to Erik of the Orange team to try and whiz a ball past Golden Boy. Shaking his hair out of his eyes, he takes the ball to his chest and chooses a point in the net at which to aim. All of a sudden, he hears a taunting to his left. "Why'd you take off yo sneakers? You shouldn'a done that! You gonna miss! Chichaw!" Oh shut up Phillip. Erik ignores the large man making googly eyes and obscene finger gestures on the platform next to him and instead prepares his leap. One... two... three... he shoots, he scores! ORANGE TEAM WINS REWARD!!!


Whizzing through the clouds and careening over lush greenery, we arrive at the tippy top of a precarious looking waterfall. While the other men are busy getting fitted with rappelling equipment, Cochran, on all fours, grips a large rock and peers over the end of the falls. Looking down at the rapids and the jagged rocks taunting him from below, he sees his entire future flash before his eyes. He went to Harvard for this?! To get a degree and then DIE. This isn't a Reward. This is a death sentence! Our gangly spindly academic doesn't leave his apartment, let alone Twitter (You can follow the ginger fop at @ColetteLala. Ha! Just kidding. You can follow him at @JohnMCochran), and now he's expected to rappel down a slippery horror show of splattered guts and floating entrails? In what universe is this considered a Reward? Survivor universe, baby.


Conversely, Dame Reynold is always up for a challenge. He once performed in an off off off off Broadway (Hoboken VFW Hall) production of A Chorus Line and this rappelling thing looks like nothing more than a few fluttering jetes and chasses down the side of the cliff. With his tutu smooshed into his harness and ribbons billowing off his carabiner, the Dame shook out his jitters, centered himself, and took the leap. Literally. He literally leapt. And it was lovely! Brava! *throws roses*


Once all the manly men (and Cochran) make it down the waterfall, they all gather on a patchwork quilt adorned with embroidered throw pillows to enjoy a simple picnic of finger sandwiches, crisps, fruit and soda. Having attended Miss Caveman's Finishing School For Heathens, the rabid beasts dive face first into the watercress and lemon tea. Erik grabs a handful of sandwiches and smashes them into his mouth while Theddie bends over into the soda pitcher, takes a deep breath and blows. With cola dripping down their faces and dough stuck in their teeth, the men scratch themselves and guffaw onto the breeze. In between grunts and farts, Gay, delicate rose Gay, punches Cochran on the arm and says, "Hey, let's make a men's alliance. Wouldn't that be faaaabulous. Women are icky!" Cochran stares back at Gay with wide eyes while rubbing the bruise now forming on his upper arm. If anyone knows anything about Cochran, then they know that he's not the manly sort. Outdoorsy and brawny isn't what Cochran does. As a child he once faked a yeast infection to get out of gym class. And when that didn't work he rubbed poison oak all over his body and called it menopause. Innovative and clever, yes. Accurate, not quite. So you see, an alliance made up of rippling muscles and panty raids doesn't appeal to Cochran in the slightest. But an alliance with a middle-aged man playing Make Believe Corporate Organization and a middle-aged woman sticking her head into a well to stave of the hot flashes does. So there!


Back at Edamame (Enil Edam) the losers make their way ashore and prepare for another afternoon of avoiding Phillip. Golden Boy isn't too upset over the Reward Challenge loss because the people he's back at camp with now are the people he needs to start working his magic on. He already has Dame Reynold and Theddie on his side, but he needs to get Calgon and Freebush aboard if he wants to make his plan for tribal domination a reality. And so, with a loose tendril and a twinkle in his eye, Golden Boy stretches languidly next to Freebush and begins his seduction. He tells her the reality is that both of them are on the bottom and the best they can hope for is 7th or 8th place, but if they... *pause for Golden Boy to flip his hair and fondle the twine necklace around his neck*... join with Dame Reynold and Theddie then they have a chance to be 5th place. Freebush rests her head on one hand and I can't tell if she's undressing Golden Boy in her mind or actually listening to a word he's saying.


Golden Boy's next target is Calgon. *smacks self in head* Oh god, not Calgon. Black Widow Spider Calgon. She sits all season long inside of an empty boot and then the second you go to slip on your shoes *hiss, chomp... venom!!!*, you're dead. She's not an innovative player and she's not a leader, but she has one thing going for her - gingham! An older lady dressed like a picnic basket is nonthreatening. Period. When you look like you always have macaroni salad and lemonade ready for the kids, no one will ever think you're a two-faced tattletale. If the gingham was premeditated, mad props to Calgon. I'm telling you, those ruffles and plastic plates have made her an unwitting kiss of death. Naturally, I'm scared shitless when Golden Boy steals away into the woods with the Black Widow. Don't look her in the eyes Golden Boy! You never know, you might turn to stone.

After Golden Boy makes his pitch to Calgon about joining him and the rest of the Fans, Calgon does what Calgon does best. She runs to the first person she finds to share her information. With ruffles flapping in the breeze and the smell of homemade cookies wafting behind her, Calgon runs and trips into Freebush blabbing to Mascaroni about Golden Boy's seduction. (Maybe Gay was right. Women are icky!) If we listen in on the harpies yapping we discover that Freebush has not only blabbed about Golden Boy putting together a new alliance, but she's also telling them about how he wants the Favorites to split the votes between Dame Reynold and Theddie leaving the Serpentine Counter Alliance with a majority to vote off whomever they wanted. Naturally, the Favorites can no longer trust Golden Boy so they decide to pretend to go along with his plan to split the votes while, really, they'll be voting for Golden Boy. *clutches pearls and weeps*


Later, with nothing to do but loll about, Theddie and Mascaroni swim off to the Blue Lagoon to get their flirt on. Theddie looks at it as hanging out with a pretty girl while Mascaroni sees it as planning their wedding. With a binder full of fabric samples and cake pictures, she smiles and coos to Theddie about how a period wedding can be quite festive if you do it right. Theddie has no idea what the hell she's talking about when she mentions delphiniums, Edwardian script, lemon buttercream and tulle. All he knows is that he'll do whatever she wants gamewise - except vote for Dame Reynold. She replies to this revelation with a raised eyebrow, "Really? Will you vote the way I say?" Theddie replies, "Yeah." In Theddie's mind, he needs Mascaroni to drag him through the game for two or three more votes before he can get up on his feet and start punching people. Something tells me Theddie may have attended the Hantz School For Wayward Boys at some point in his past. The conversation between the two lovebirds ends with Mascaroni promising not to vote Theddie out if he brings her information about what Golden Boy is up to.


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Or what I like to call Dimples' Dungeon Of Torture. Once in a blue moon, Survivor gets medieval on our asses and delights us with challenges of torture. You might remember the infamous drowning ferris wheel of yesteryear - a personal favorite. Today, my friends, we're going to waterboard these bitches within an inch of their lives. *shoots glitter out of a t-shirt gun* For today's challenge, you will lie upside down in an underwater cage as the tide rolls in and tries to drown you. Last person left with a pulse, wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go.


One by one our brave Survivors plop into the water and prepare to take their places in their metal cages. We begin with entire heads safely above the water, but after several minutes a slow and steady tide begins to roll in. After a half an hour mouths are fully covered and heads are forced to tilt backwards in order to breathe. Then, at a steady pace the water begins to rise even more. In my mind there's a water skier (probably Mark Burnett) in the distance skiing back and forth, back and forth, making the waves cover Calgon's face and her ruffles jostle underwater.


After an hour everyone is still in it with some... *cough gargle choke*... whoopsie. There goes Phillip. He must have been absent that day when they covered water torture back at the federal agency. After Phillip bails, the Survivors begin to drop like flies. Next out is Freebush followed by Erik and then Calgon. With the water covering their mouths at this point, the Survivors begin to make little snorkels for themselves out of their hands. Sadly, a snorkel can't save Golden Boy as he is the next to bail. And did you see how loudly Calgon cheered for him from the dock when he was out of the competition? Shush Black Widow!


Eventually, we get down to Mascaroni and Mowgli in the final two. Both have chosen to link their legs around their cages which perhaps helped them stay steady. For all I know, Mowgli could already be dead. The girl hasn't moved an inch since she got in the water. And she still doesn't move when everyone leaves the competition and heads back to camp. Later on that evening, sitting under the wispy veils of his mosquito tents and discovering the wonders of opium with a local "massage therapist", Dimples gets a nagging feeling that he may have forgotten something back at the challenge. Mowgli! He forgot Mowgli! He left the poor girl there and forget to tell her she won. So yeah, MOWGLI WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Edamame, the mood is celebratory with Phillip scatting something old school to Mowgli. He's calling her baby and doing his James Brown shuffle around camp. Like somehow he's responsible for her win. Whatever Phillip. Golden Boy, however, is deep in thought. Tonight is his last chance to make his move. If he waits any longer, Dame Reynold and Theddie will be gone and he'll have no more moves to make. It's now or never.


After a brief meeting with Mascaroni where Golden Boy firms up the faux plan to split the votes tonight between Dame Reynold and Theddie, he meets with Calgon to put the finishing touches on the real plan - to vote out Mascaroni. While Phillip may appear to be the leader to everyone else, Golden Boy knows that he's just the alliance mascot and nothing more. Mascaroni is the one who is really running the show behind the scenes. And everyone knows you don't kill the court jester until you've killed the Queen. Or something like that. Calgon then covers her face as she is often wont to do when life is too much for her. And since there isn't a well nearby she'll just have to settle for her tears hitting the sand. The sound is more of a plergh than a melodious plop, but it'll do. Golden Boy, sensing that Calgon might still be wavering, then tells her that Dame Reynold has the Idol. Calgon says she'll go along with the plan if Dame Reynold shows her his Idol. *sprays Raid on TV*


And so, after some hustling and bustling, Dame Reynold fetches the Idol out of his skinny jeans and shoves it into his purse. Seeing Calgon sitting alone on the edge of the shelter, he sidles up next to her and flashes her the Idol. She looks at it and nods, "OK." Dame Reynold then whispers to her from behind the hand-painted fan he brought for such occasions that if she doesn't follow through with her promise, then he'll go home tonight. He hopes he can trust her and that she won't screw him. At that moment, somewhere in Calgon's mind, a switch flipped and instead of hearing, "If you don't follow through, then I go home tonight" she heard, "Do what I say bitch or I'll f*ck your shit up! I'll pull your nose through your ass and make your life a living hell. Mwahahaha!!!! MEN!!!" When the hallucinations and dementia begins, I think euthanasia is a reasonable course of action. Just saying.

After getting a stern warning from Dame Reynold that Mascaroni is dangerous and can't be trusted, Theddie quickly seeks out Mascaroni for reassurance. He tells her that Golden Boy thinks the Favorites are splitting the votes tonight and he wants to hear from her whether or not it's true. Mascaroni, dummy, replies, "I don't know. Maybe." All she had to say was yes! Idiot. Anyhow, she flubs and wavers and chews her tongue which only increases Theddie's suspicions that Dame Reynold might be right about Mascaroni after all. Theddie continues to push Mascaroni for a straight answer as to whether or not her alliance is splitting votes between him and the Dame and Mascaroni continues to not give him a straight answer. Yo Theddie *smacks him on the head* that's your clue not to trust her! If you ask her a question and she can't/won't give you an answer, then she is someone you cannot trust. Duh.

While Mascaroni pleads with Theddie to just trust her, Theddie blurts out that Dame Reynold could play an Idol tonight. Well, this piques Mascaroni's interest and thus begins the exhausting conversation between these two dimwits:
"Dame Reynold might play histh Idol and then I'll go home."
"Does he have an Idol?"
"I don't know. Sthomeone doesth."
"Does he have the Idol?"
"I didn't sthay that."
"You said he had an Idol. Does he have it?"
"Sthe sthellsth stheasthellsth down the stheastchore."
"Huh?"
"I like you."
"Does he have the Idol?"
"Sthomeone sthaid sthomething about voting you out tonight."
"Me? Why me?!?"
*Mascaroni runs away and cries*


Of course this sends Mascaroni into a tizzy of tears and snot. She runs hither and thither grabbing everyone she can and telling them that they should just vote out Gay tonight because she could go home if they take the risk of getting rid of Golden Boy. Phillip poo-poo's her idea and wants to stick with Golden Boy. Cochran scoffs at the ridiculous suggestion and now thinks less of the girl. And then there's Calgon. Calgon bursts into tears and screams, "All the work I've done today will be for nothing. Nothing! This is the only chance to get rid of Golden Boy. The three boys don't have Immunity and there's an Idol. If we don't do it now, then when? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHEN?!! HE SHOWED ME HIS IDOL AND EVERYTHING. ALL OF THAT WILL BE WASTED. WASTED!!! GAH!!!!! The voices, the voices... make them stop." *dials Dr. Whatever in Utah* Hello Doctor, my name is Colette Lala. Kindly up the dosage on the Calgon's Klonopin. And might I suggest Haldol? You know, a Thorazine drip now and again never hurt anyone either. If that doesn't work, we might have to resort to an exorcism. I've got a guy. His name is Pretty Pony and he is extremely devout.


And this brings us to Tribal Council. A little heads up... everyone go grab yourself some spirits, some batteries and whatever else you need to get your groove on (handcuffs, clamps, glitter, ice, wax). We're getting dir-tay tonight. Oh yeah!

With the darkness cloaking us in mystery and wantonness, Dimples begins by asking Gay how he felt about a Favorite going home last week instead of a Fan. Gay passes some dim sum around to everyone and crosses his legs, "Well, you know Dimples, I thought to myself, 'This is good. The Favorites are beginning to see each other as threats.' Soy? You must try the dumpling with soy. It's a taste explosion!" Quite frankly, I have no idea what Gay ever says. I'd rather he simply throw dinner parties and experiment with Asian cuisine than talk game. He's a bore. *yawn*


Then, out of nowhere, a long bony finger enters into frame and yanks a hair out of Mascaroni's head. "Bug," Erik whispers. And then he turned the hair into a dreamcatcher. I don't think there was a bug there at all! Erik is quite the craftsman. The dreamcatcher is not only lovely, but intricate.

Moving on, we get another episode of The Phillip Sheppard Show. *switches channel* I mean, we talk to Freebush to see what she thinks about the sugar content in soda and the rising prices of mayonnaise. Well, I'll tell you what she thinks. She doesn't think much of it and she also doesn't think much of those scrappy thieving kids that work for her. As far as those hooligans here at camp who wrote her name down once before, they will get their comeuppance one day... "Payback is a bitch."

Dimples asks Theddie if it bothers him that Freebush has switched sides. Theddie, in a most impressive manner if I do say so myself, shrugs his shoulders and says, "I'm not really worried about it. I'd rather play my own game than be sthomebody elsthes puppet." Bravo, Theddie. Good on you, my lad! More of that and less flirting with the girls and I could learn to like you.


Dimples continues the same line of questioning with Dame Reynold. Only, this time, he mentions the Idol and he mentions it in a way that gets Golden Boy's attention. Watching Tribal Council over the past 87 seasons at home I have learned that if you pay close attention to Dimples and the questions he asks, he's pretty much telling you everything you need to know about the ins and outs of the inner workings of the tribe. Sitting there in the thick of it with the fire and the cameras all around you, it is probably difficult to pick up on so I don't really hold it against any of the players... until now. Until I saw my Golden Boy with his eyes flitting back and forth between Dimples and anyone Dimples addressed. There was a laser like focus and intensity with which he was able to unravel Dimples' code. Or maybe the firelight was just making him look really cute. Who knows! *throws hands in the air*


Mascaroni then says that this is the time of the game when players low on the totem pole begin to considering flipping. Phillip interjects that anyone who flips right now will have made an error in judgment and they will be the next to leave the game. As expected, Golden Boy begins to look a little squeamish and you can tell his inner monologue goes something like... What do I do? What do I do? Do I play the Idol? Are they talking about me or the Dame? I wonder what Colette Lala looks like naked. If I play my Idol, then the Dame will never trust me again. Phillip is a psycho. How's my hair? All of these are extremely natural thoughts to have at this juncture of the game. This is a big moment right here so what are you gonna do, Golden Boy?


If anybody has the Hidden Immunity Idol and you want to play it, now would be the time to do so.
*Dame Reynold squirms and then rises out of his seat*
"Hold up, man."
*everyone's head snaps towards Golden Boy*
"They all voted for me. You can tell. Give it to me. We're in good shape."

At home, I ran to the fridge and got two bowls of glitter for the coffee table. I then leapt on the couch and begin to chew my nails. The anxiety... the waiting... the suspense. Oh god, it's delicious! The music began to thump as everyone everywhere, from Winslow to Omaha to our nation's capital, leaned a little closer to their television sets and held their breaths as they waited to see what Dame Reynold would do.

"Yeah."

Did he... is he... did that... OH MY GOD. *dunk dunk*


And that, my friends, is the story of how Dame Reynold gave his Hidden Immunity Idol to a guy who already had an Immunity Idol in his pocket. And not only did he give Golden Boy his Immunity Idol, but it turns out that Smurfs R Crap didn't vote for Golden Boy after all. In fact, they voted for Gay which makes Gay the 10th person voted out of Survivor Caramoan. Golden Boy may have some explaining to do tomorrow, but tonight... tonight he is such a bad ass!

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Will the Dame trust Golden Boy in the morning? Does Mowgli have gills on the back of her neck? Was that the sexiest Survivor move to date? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

And if you haven't already, please like the XI COCKTAILS Facebook page and tell them Colette Lala sent you. There's a bottle with Shakira and Golden Boy's names on it at stake and I NEED THAT BOTTLE. Thanks, bitches!













34 comments:

  1. Love,LOVE the Eve Harrington reference! Great blog.

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  2. Incredible episode...and recap. Like you, the only portions of the show I didn't enjoy were the tedious reward comp and the even more tedious Phillip Show. Especially since he got an extra episode at the end during tribal council. All joking aside about Calgon, Theddie, and The Dame, you perfectly captured what went down during tribal council. Bob Dylan once famously sang, "you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows", but Golden Boy did listen to the Dimpled Weather Practitioner and made a huge move. What balls! A person with an idol used another person's idol, which ended up not being needed. Bravo!

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  3. Awesome episode! Great blog, Glitter Queen!

    WOOHOO!!!! Go, Golden Boy, Go!

    I admit I thought about this scenario, almost exactly as it went down, after last episode, but thought "ain't no way *that's* gonna happen". In my daydream, other than the thong Golden Boy was sporting, Reynold turned his idol to him before tribal council, not during. SO MUCH BETTER during. *happy dance*

    It's nearly perfect. There are so many ways this could go. Malcolm has a pretty good idea who screwed him over. Phillip probably still thinks he's in charge, but things just got shakier. Reynold doesn't have an idol, anymore, so he's not as much of a threat. (Will the idol go back into play? Will Reynold find it again and KEEP HIS BIG MOUTH SHUT this time?) Malcolm threw his vote at Reynold, but with Michael now gone, the reasonable expectation is that *he* voted for Reynold, not Malcolm. If Malcolm wants, he can try to twist around his old alliance and point out that *he* got the idol out of Reynold's hands, TYVM. And, for bonus points, Dawn is now flipping out, which might be a big concern for Cochran.

    Since my daydreaming was pretty successful last week, I'm now taking requests. Canceling the Phillip Sheppard Show is a given.

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  4. Best. Ever.
    I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Reynold actually did that, in real life even. Unreal.
    I have never spent an episode screaming "NO NO, don't even THINK name" at my television more. Thank you, Dame, for thinking you were saving our Golden Boy.
    And I love that you are bringing Pretty Pony back to help with Dawn's evil demon. We should have a season where all the guys need to have at least shoulder length awesome hair and bedroom eyes. That would be some quality television.

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  5. Many great lines today, jeez, that first paragraph was perfection, but I must confess that my favorite was "He must have been absent that day when they covered water torture back at the federal agency." All Malcolm needs to say next is that it was his plan to flush out the Reynold idol, and now we are all back to square one..The last two episodes have been some of the best in the franchise. This season is a winner.

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  6. So far this season, Dame Reynold has been too full of hearing himself speak, it appears he doesn't come close to gauging the motives of those speaking to him. For the good of the freaking serpentine alliance, I make a donation of my idol. Dumb ass, you got played! And now, Golden Mal-smart-com is feeling good. My conclusion for now is that people are either naturally smart, or that the foolishness of the people around them makes them smart.
    I shall be terribly angry if the Dame finds that idol again; for one should not throw pearls to pigs!! And as you, tra-LALA, good job. But why da f**k did you stop my comment from displaying last week. Wait till I sue your pretty bikini bottoms #winks#mischievous grin#

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    1. I stopped it? Was it an ad about how to increase penis size? If it wasn't then it was purely accidental. My apologies.

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  7. I know people are souring on Golden Boy, but I am not one of them. That was the greatest play in Survivor history.

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  8. Great Blog as usual. I do have one question. I have gone through all of your recaps and I can't figure out why you call Reynold Dame Reynold. I was discussing your blog with a friend and we both wondered the same thing. Can you explain?

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    1. It was nothing specific. It was always about his gestures, mannerisms and vocabulary. In a strange and ludicrous way, he was beginning to remind me of one of those olden timey actresses from the studio system. He evolved from there and now he's one of my favorite characters.

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  9. With the mention of Pretty Pony and Golden Boy in the same blog, I can't help but think to myself, "stay gold, Pony Boy".

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    1. Pretty Pony was so long ago. I'm just glad you guys remember him! And his mane... that glorious mane.

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    2. Who could forget Pretty Pony? :D

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  10. Just lovely. I just wish they had voted for Malcolm so that Andrea got burned.

    I hope Malcolm can make good use of his HII now. Strangely, it still feels like dawn, Cochran, Andrea and Phillip may go to four together. None of them are obvious threats, so they would likely all feel ok taking each other to the end.

    I'm not sure if Malcolm knew he would be on the bottom of SRU, but his attempt to change up the game was probably the right move, just not handled we'll.

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    1. I agree! What a letdown to have all that wasted. :( This episode ended poorly. Not happy.

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  11. Darling Lala,

    Where to begin? Well, as I always tell you (here, there), masterful opening paragraph--it had me remembering my hot poker-fingering days and feeling grateful all over again for having ended THAT marriage. And, while I usually try to maintain some decorum while reading, this time I threw my reputation out the window and laughed like a hyena on nitrous oxide. Brilliantly funny recap. I, too was terrified we'd lose Golden Boy (life would no longer be worth living), and was extra pleased to see him demonstrate that he's not just in possession of beautiful hair and eyes to swoon over, but a fully working brain, too. I only wish those fools had voted for him so they'd have been foiled, but it was very satisfying to see that they took full note of his having sussed them out. Great tribal council.

    I loved the still from The Blue Lagoon--how do you think of these things? And the thought of Theddie and Mascaroni together is as awful of the thought of Brooke Shields and, well, anything. Where do they find these people?

    Final word: If Phillip Sheppard isn't gone soon I'm going to lose it Dawn-fashion. There isn't enough Calgon in the world to soothe my nerves after I hear him speak (or even breathe). Oh--and Mowgli was incredible. I was very impressed.

    Love,

    A.T.

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  12. I was ever so surprised that he gave up his Idol. And it is funny that he gave it to someone who already has one but I wonder if the Dame will ever get to see that or not.

    Apart from the obvious, what else is wrong with The specialist, he seemed to momentarily forget that season 22 was called RI or is that simply the way people like him (if there are) speak.

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  13. Hahahaha... *ROTFL* .... Apologies accepted, only because you agreed to blowing me a "smoothering" kiss and giving me half your share of the glitter. I daresay, more gin to your gullet. #dont forget our date#

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  14. Thanks again Miss Lala for an excellent recap. Laughed out loud at the doctor's office. I'd also like to thank you for that picture of golden boy at tribal looking both horrified and hot at the same time.
    And, like you, i really hope they cancel the Phillip Shepard insanity hour. I'm done with his nicknames and incoherent rambling. If it's not relevant to the game I don't want to hear from him.

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  15. Isn't it great if Golden Boy said "Hold up man, give the idol to Gay."

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  16. I still can't figure out why Mowgli has not gotten any screen time at all! I realized that after she won the immunity idol, that was the first time I had ever heard her speak - and then, it was only a little giggle. We really need an entire hour devoted to Golden Boy though. He is so lovely :-)

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  17. Brenda and Eric were tied for speaking words in that episode - with NONE, right up to where he said "Bug" to Andrea and took the lead.
    To be honest, not saying anything is a good tactic, I wish more cast members on Big Brother could remember that.

    Anyway - Malcolm may wonder what Colette Lala looks like naked, but I just wonder what she looks like at all?

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  18. Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night...

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  19. Random thoughts:

    The way the episode was edited I immediately felt Theddie screwed the pooch by blabbing with Mascaroni. Ignoring Theddie's spit in her eye, his whole Dame has an idol I could go home panic really focused Mascaroni's brain towards voting for Michael instead of Malcolm. Our man Malcolm knew she was the brains behind Stealth 'R' Us. So Theddie you didn't do a brother a solid. You just laid a solid this week.

    Malcolm played the game as well as one can. Why is everyone surprised he's both pretty and smart? He's a Dartmouth guy who obviously chooses to bartend near the beach so he can get maximize his intake of hotties while in his prime. Now I wish he could describe the brilliance of that on a resume.

    The immunity challenge was stupid. I knew the person with the smallest face would win. Perhaps it makes up for all the challenges that rely on brute strength. Brenda was about to start dancing and then the camera turned away. Me likey when Brenda dances. Me likey Asian-Latinas!

    Phillip is nothing but a perpetual number 3 bridesmaid. Anyone in his alliance would be stupid not to take him to the final three. His presence at the final guarantees the other two finalists a 50-50 shot.

    WTF is Erik thinking? He was the mislaid plan of Malcolm when he initially dreamed up the testosterone alliance. He must be close to the bottom of Stealth. At some point, Erik, Freebush and Brenda will have to make some kind of move on the other four before it's too late. Seven is always a cumbersome alliance number and fool's gold for those on the bottom. There needs to be one big blind side in the next two weeks. You go Golden Boy!

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  20. Where I come from Phillip is known as a "BS Artist", but he is not Bull Sh*tting Miss Lala's army, he Has and Is snookering the Survivor producers, they think his act is bringing in viewers, whoever has cast him in the "villain" role should not only be fired but forced regenerate and watch all of the Phillip footage that has been fast forwarded this season on all of our DVRs.

    The reward challenge was not well thought out, the so-called defenders were not in any position to block any shots unless directed right at them, lucky it was not an immunity challenge.

    I'm believe we are headed to a boring finish, the Favorites had an advantage from the start having already played the game and they are sticking together, please pray for one to flip(Cochran, please screw your buds again, we need action).

    Genius blog again this week Colette!

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  21. William Peter BlattyApril 13, 2013 at 12:13 AM

    Many years ago, I wrote about the demonic possession of a girl named Regan, who lived in the genteel suburbs of Washington DC. Now, in those same genteel suburbs, another ancient evil has arisen. A demon named Blo'gth has taken possession of a girl. A girl partial to glitter, a girl partial to gin, a girl who normally smells of vanilla (real vanilla, not the artificial stuff) but this week smells of sin, and yeast infections. For Blo'gth is a vile smelling demon, and the poor glitterchild has been tricked into selling her soul to it - much like Robert Johnson sold his soul to the Blues demon at those infamous crossroads long ago. Sure, Robert was able to play guitar beautifully as a result, but boy did he reek. Similarly, this Blo'gth demon must have traded the glitterchild's soul for otherworldly blogging talent, because this week's blog has clearly been written by a girl possessed. Therefore a priest must be found, to perform the ancient ritual...

    I'm a priest! I'll do it!

    What's your name priest?

    Father Purtypony!

    You've got nice hair. But can you rid this girl of the demon within her?

    I sure can!

    My, you're a chipper fellow. What makes you so sure, priest?

    Because I have in my possession (excuse the pun - an old exorcists joke) a dog-eared copy of the 1973 Corgi paperback edition of your book!

    You're more than qualified then! I'll get out of your way and let you do your thing...

    Hi there Ms Lala! I'm Father Purtypony. Would you like me to exorcise the demon within you?

    FUCK YOU PRIEST!! IF YOU COME NEAR ME, I'LL SHOVE THIS BOWL OF TIT DUNKED GLITTER SO FAR UP YOUR HOLY ASS YOU'LL BE PICKING SPARKLES OUT OF YOUR SNOT FOR WEEKS! MY READERS DON'T WANT ME TO BE EXORCISED! THEY LIKE IT WHEN I WRITE LIKE A GIRL POSSESSED!

    But you smell so dreadful child. Do you not wish to smell like vanilla once again?

    HELL TO THE NO!! IF MY PUTRID REEKING ALLOWS ME TO KEEP WRITING ON-BROADWAY BLOGS LIKE THIS WEEK'S, THEN SO BE IT!

    I see child. Then I shall leave you alone. I have one small request though; I've noticed the demon within you often compels you to dance around your living room while wearing nothing other than a string of pearls. In the future, do close the drapes. Your neighbours have been traumatised enough.

    God bless child.

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  22. Gay's exit was both hilarious and awkward at the same time.

    Gay: [flips off the contestants] You turkeys!

    J-Bird

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  23. Survivor is one of my favorite shows and this blog makes it infinitely better. I, too, CANNOT understand why people trust Calgon. Did they learn nothing from her first season of playing, or can they not read facial expressions? Or hear the anxiety in her voice? She's a nervous wreck who doesn't know what to do with information, and as we saw in next week's previews, breaks down easily. I'm surprised no one has noticed how wishy washy she is, especially Golden Boy!
    As for our favorite Special Agent, no one takes him seriously and it's very amusing...the Philip Shephard show should have been over from the moment he walked into camp sporting a pink speedo.
    1 question, actually a request...make an Instagram, PUHLEASE Golden Boy has one (freberg7)and I consistently stalk it.

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    1. I searched "colettelala" on instagram and 1 user came up...you?

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    2. Probably. I signed up when I got my iPhone. I've never used it though.

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    3. I don't get it with Calgon either. It's infuriating!

      I REALLY wish that Andrea would have gone home. Rooting for Cochran still!

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  24. I give Phillip credit for psyching out Malcom and flushing out an idol. He seemed like he was just playing by the book of ROB. Survivor 22! We must get rid of the person with the idol! All the while knowing the vote went to Michael. Did you notice Phillip even tried a fake in the reward challenge?
    That''s Philliip, baby.. Master of the ffake.

    Master of the psyche!
    Watch out!
    Chicaw!

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