Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Fun Sponge

One day your scalp begins to itch and you wonder why. Or, maybe it burns when you urinate so you flip through your sex diary and try to remember who seemed "dirty". At some point in every person's life they are confronted with something they didn't ask for, something they never wanted. For some, it is life changing. Maybe it's cancer, multiple sclerosis, syphilis, or the scurvy. For others, it could be a pesky nuisance like the lice you picked up that one time in a youth hostel in Florence. And for others still, it is a former federal agent (read: hall monitor) with Tigger tattooed on his arm and an intramural basketball team made up of toy soldiers and troll dolls shoved into the bottom of a toy chest. Until, one day, you use the Rid (read: Hidden Immunity Idol). The lice, the nits, and all the memories of the German guy who felt you up on the Ponte Vecchio are gone. Gone! Vanquished! Put out of their misery. With a poof and a smirk, the bane of your existence clicks its heels together and marches, nee skips, past the campfire, past the dimpled cruise director, past go, and off into the night where, ironically, it is swallowed whole by a Bengal tiger who has been patiently waiting off camera. All that remains of the nagging irritant are those pillowcases you have to boil and a swatch of hot pink Fruit Of The Looms lying in the dirt. With life back in order, and the terror threat safely back at green, all that is left to do now is GET NAKED BITCHES!!! Let's recap, shall we?

We continue our tumescent Filipino tale under the cloak of night. The entomological opera buzzes loudly as the weary and weathered Edamame (Enil Edam) make their way back to camp. With the fire fizzled out into nothing but ash, Mascaroni (Andrea) sighs and requests a tribe meeting. Oh no, you three strapping young bucks aren't invited. This is an invitation-only affair and you must have a DSM-IV diagnosis of severe Delusional Disorder to attend. Please peruse the following criteria and if you have answered "yes" to all ten, then you may enter the meeting.

Right this way, each and every member of Strep-R-Crust.

Mascaroni begins the meeting by insisting that, from here on out, everything is smooth sailing. It is so easy breezy Cover Girl from this point onward. Even if those hunky mens have an Idol hidden somewhere on their brawny persons, it's ok! The Stroop-R-Futts have enough patients, I mean people, to split the votes and send packing whichever of the Three Amigos happens to be Idol-less. The remaining members of Scrats-R-Rust nod enthusiastically in response. Why, that sounds like a smashing idea, Mascaroni! As a matter of fact, let's all cheer on it. Hands in, everyone. Skeet-R-Muss! Skrod-R-Just! Stealth-R-Us! Watching the scene from a monitor in her tent, Dr. Ramona shakes her head side to side and tuts to herself before calling the mainland and double checking their stocks of Haldol, Thorazine and Pimozide. She may even have to call in a few favors from her Malaysian colleagues at Ulu Kinta. Ponderosa could end up being a free for all of feces on the walls if she doesn't take preventative measures now.

Meanwhile, the Three Amigos are setting their alarms for an early wake-up call. Tomorrow morning, they hunt! They'll rise before dawn, sharpen their spears, and search the camp high and low for any other Hidden Immunity Idols that might be lurking about. Golden Boy (Malcolm), in particular, is keen on finding another Hidden Immunity Idol as quickly as possible. Things may not have gone exactly as planned at that last Tribal Council, but he still has that spare Idol in his madras board shorts and, surprisingly, Dame Reynold doesn't seem all that angry. I mean, just look at him. He's happily removing his lashes, applying his cold cream, and running lines to himself for tomorrow's performance. It's like Joan Crawford said, "Any actress who appears in public without being well-groomed is digging her own grave." She also said, "Don't fuck with me fellas. This cowgirl has been to the rodeo before." So, yeah, that's neither here nor there.

The next day at high noon, we find Cochran and Phillip Sheppard seeking shade amongst the Eucalyptus and Mahogany. The smell of jungle greenery and ocean saltiness surrounds them. It is a peaceful lazy day with only the sound of the gently rolling waves interrupting the silence. It's the kind of day where you dig your feet into the sand, dive into a Jackie Collins and sip happily on a Pina Colada. You know those days, don't you? When all the hustle and bustle of home and work melts away and you can finally sink into your beach chair and AHHH!!! BRENDAAAA!!!! SKRAGGLE!!! GAHH!!! FLORGLE!!! EEEEKK!!! BLOODY MURDER!!!!!!!!! What the...

Oh my god, you guys. I think Calgon (Dawn) has hurt herself severely. She must have been bitten by a Cobra or maybe a Red Back spider was hiding out in her Crocs. Both are deadly and native to The Philippines, I'll have you know. What the hell is everyone standing around for? Get Ramona out here now! We've finally got ourselves an honest to goodness medical emergency... or, do we?

Hearing her name yelled on the breeze, Mowgli (Brenda) races in the direction of the howling and discovers Calgon hiding in the trees wheezing and hiccuping. Mowgli looks Calgon up and down searching for blood, fang marks, bruises, anything. Amidst the gasps and heaving, Calgon finally takes a deep breath and explains:

"I was hit in the face a while ago. At my son's soccer game. It wasn't a ball, but this bitch mom on the opposing team didn't like it that her son wanted my carving board turkey sandwiches - with the crusts cut off of course - and not her crappy bologna sandwiches. She came out of nowhere and socked me in the jaw with her purse. I was going to file a report with the head of the LDS Soccer League, but I thought to myself, 'What would Jesus do?' I figured Jesus would turn the other cheek so that's what I did. And that stupid whore hit me again! Only this time she knocked out my entire row of lower teeth. Right there, in the grass, like little Chiclets - the tiny size, not the big ones - were my teeth. I put them in my picnic basket, but they were beyond saving. Long story short, I went for a morning swim in that murky pond and I LOST MY FAKE TEETH!!! I WILL QUIT SURVIVOR IF I DON'T HAVE MY FAKE TEETH!!! With age - and the menopause - my eyesight is going and I CAN'T SEE MY TEETH!!! PLEASE FIND THEM FOR ME!!! GAHHH!!!"

Silently and with haste, Mowgli retrieves the goggles and snorkel and carefully surveys the floor of the pond. And just then, like a miracle, the sun slowly moves overhead casting a light beneath the murkiness and setting the tiny chiclet teeth aglow. Mowgli dives quickly under the water and delivers the teeth, with barnacles and seaweed hanging off them, to Calgon. Not only can Calgon once again bite into a coconut, but happily her faith in human kindness is restored.

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, you will be divided into two teams of five. One person will race through an obstacle course and into a muddy pit where they will search for a bag of balls. Once you have the balls, you'll go through the rice, put your bag on the table and then the next person goes. Once your team has all five bags, you will shoot your balls into the basket. The first team to get all twelve balls wins reward. Wanna know what you're playing for? The winners will be taken to an island resort complete with a swimming pool, a nice lunch and cocktails.

The Purple team is Dame Reynold, Erik, Calgon, Cochran and Phillip.
The Orange team is Theddie (Eddie), Golden Boy, Freebush (Sherri), Mascaroni and Mowgli.
Survivors ready, go!

Golden Boy and Erik fly across the balance beams and into the mud pit where Erik quickly finds his bag of balls and continues to race towards the end. Golden Boy, however, decides to linger in the mud and find all five bags of balls so the rest of his team doesn't have to waste time searching.  Dame Reynold, who races next for the Purples, sees Golden Boy's approach and steals it for himself. Covered in mud and slick with sweat, the men heave and grunt and *fans self*...

Where was I? Oh yeah, so Golden Boy finally finds all of his bags, but the Purples already have three people at the end. Mascaroni does her best to make up for lost time and maybe, just maybe, the Oranges can catch up. Freebush is up next and... *womp womp*... with legs like a newborn doe she teeters uneasily on the balance beam and moves about as fast as molasses in January. Theddie screams "Run fasther!", but it falls on deaf ears. Freebush will move on Freebush time - which must be a lot like Bahamian time because if you've ever been to The Bahamas then you know that it takes about two hours to get your appetizers.

And so, even though Golden Boy tried his best to assist the rest of the team, it was of no consequence. Freebush is somehow still around to screw things up and screw things up she did as PURPLE WINS REWARD!!!

We are then whisked away to a tiny resort paradise. Perched high on a hill and nestled cozily in the surrounding jungle, sits our Reward destination. The Purple Team, with Calgon leading the way, enters the cabana and sets wide eyes on the feast laid out before them. Calgon scans the buffet quickly - corn on the cob, saltwater taffy, crusty french rolls, tough red meat... NOOOO!!! Her teeth! Do you have any idea what taffy does to dentures?! Immediately, she covers her face with her hands and runs down to the pool where she can weep in peace. She screams for Mowgli to come pre-chew her food for her, but Mowgli isn't on the winning team. Mowgli is back at Edamame staring at a tree or doing whatever the hell she does.

Cochran, however, is delighted with the Reward. Over the years, he has heard that protein is actually good for your body and does something positive for one's energy. Back at home he typically eats uncooked Pop-Tarts and Cap'n Crunch right out of the box, so beef is a nice change of pace for the lad. With some red meat in his system he is sure to continue on his path towards total Challenge domination.

Once the meal is over and everyone's belly is full, the Purples make their way to the pool where they find Calgon furiously licking a bar of soap. She was promised food on this Reward so she's going to get it by any means possible dammit! Also, conveniently located at the edge of the crystalline blue infinity pool, is a shower. And, if you'll remember, the Survivors have just been dipped in mud and rice which is kind of like getting tarred and feathered. Only, mud and rice are actually washable.

A normal everyday person with common sense and enough brain cells would look at the pure untouched pool water and then down at the mud, rice and sweat covering their own body. They'd look again at the pool. Again at their body. And then again at the pool. Dirty body in clean pool = dirty pool. But not to Phillip! Dirty body in clean pool = perfectly acceptable. In fact, he feels so comfortable fouling up the pristine beauty that he'll go ahead and disrobe and wiggle his winky around for good measure. Erik watches in horror as the poop water encircles Phillip and follows him wherever he goes. Phillip's actions show a complete disregard for not only his fellow Survivors, but the resort staff who'll be stuck picking rice out of the filters for the next month. *clicks heels and salutes*

Oddly, we immediately fast forward to nighttime. Once again the jungle chorus sings as the inky black water brushes against the shore lulling the island inhabitants into a deep sleep. The camera scans the snoozing Survivors and it is here that we discover that Dame Reynold sleeps flat on his back because he once read that that's how Lauren Bacall kept away the laugh lines. Theddie dozes while sucking his thumb while Phillip snores with a hand up Freebush's blouse. Scan, scan, scan... precious sleeping babies... scan, scan, scan... GAH! It's Calgon and she's wide awake. Wide awake with wide shifty eyes. The kind of eyes that shift side to side in paranoia and try to quiet the voices in her head. "Calgon, Calgon...," they whisper. The voices have not only taunted her and made her cry, but they're keeping her awake night after night. Calgon hasn't slept for the past week and when you haven't slept is when the hallucinations start. Hallucinations like thinking a murky pond is a water fountain and that shrimp kabobs are saltwater taffy.

Along with the hallucinations comes the paranoia. Calgon watches the next morning as Golden Boy says hi to Mascaroni. Immediately her inner monologue goes into overdrive, "What does that hi mean? Does it mean they're going to vote me out? Does it mean I'm at the bottom of the 7? Will I be blindsided? What if they have a secret alliance? Why is that clam shell winking and talking to me?" With her head full of scenarios and in an effort to get away from the clam shell with the top hat on, Calgon runs to Phillip and Cochran and tells them that she thinks Mascaroni is going to switch alliances and vote her out. In the most ironic statement ever to be said in the entire universe, Phillip confides in us that Calgon is a lunatic and completely losing her mind. Similarly, Cochran is also beginning to see Calgon in a different light. The fact that she's so convinced she is going home makes him incredibly suspicious of her.

To make matters worse, Calgon stands outside of the shelter and stares as Theddie, Mascaroni and Golden Boy munch on a coconut. She creeps around the entire shelter and peers into window after window. Finally, she swings open the door and says, "I don't know what to do. It's so hard on me." The coconut crew all look at each other in confusion and then back at Calgon. They wait for her to say something else, to maybe, I don't know, explain what the hell it is she's talking about. She's kind of like my mom with the menopause. Out of the blue my mom will say something like, "And then we could go see a movie after. So do you want to?" I always reply, "Do I want to WHAT? Are you having one of those conversations again where you start it in your head and then finish it out loud?" It is completely unnerving and psychotic and yes, my mother, like Calgon, should be heavily medicated to put a stop to it.

Naturally, Mascaroni runs to Phillip and tells him that Calgon is completely losing her mind. Just like I do with my sisters. I'll ring them up and say, "Mom's lost it." They'll reply, "We know." I'll reply, "Let's vote her off the island." And then they say yes. It is exactly what is going on here in Caramoan. Phillip and Mascaroni agree that Calgon is nuts while Cochran is trying to take a little bit more of a sympathetic approach. He nods as she cries and confesses that she is unstable, but really he's thinking that she's just joined the ranks of Martini, Cheswick, Taber and Harding.

Again we abruptly fast forward to a new day, a new dawn. Dame Reynold is up early and doing Jazzercise in the water while Phillip rolls over and farts his way out of bed. Calgon, however, is groggy. She looks a little drugged (thanks Ramona!) and foggy as she shuffles around in a long skirt with a sriped sock on one foot and a man's slipper on the other. Everyone looks over at her with question marks in their eyes. Which Calgon will they get today? Will it be Weeping Well Calgon or Screaming Pond Calgon or Paranoid Peeper Calgon or Soccermom Calgon? As she shuffles closer to the campfire, the intake of breath from her fellow Survivors is audible. So, which one is it going to be? It's going to be Soccermom Calgon! It turns out that whatever Ramona gave her (Haldol) worked like a charm and she was finally able to sleep through the night. The dancing clam shell is gone and she no longer thinks Mascaroni is trying to assassinate her. Progress!

With Calgon finally coherent and lucid again, the Spliff-R-Bus crew decide to touch base and get organized on exactly who they'll be voting out tonight. As a group they all decide that this mysterious person, Reynolds, should be voted out. Now, I have no idea who Reynolds is or when he joined this game, but for the sake of this blog (and my sanity), let's pretend they said Dame Reynold. Surprisingly, they think the Dame is much more threatening than Golden Boy. While I agree that Dame Reynold is pretty kick ass in Challenges, Golden Boy is craftier. Dirtier. Naughtier. Nevertheless! The Scrap-R-Less crew will split the votes between Dame Reynold and Golden Boy with Dame Reynold being their target. Mascaroni pats herself on the back and declares that nothing can possibly go wrong. Once again, she says that everything will be easy as pie at the next Tribal Council. *giggles*

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Immunity Challenge there will be two heats where you will race across a platform, jump into the ocean, swim under the platform, get back up, grab a ring, move the ring to the post and then do it all over again. The first two people in both heats to get their rings on their post will advance to the final round. The first person to then get five rings onto their post wins Immunity. A warning: this heat will exhaust you and you can totally have a heart attack and drown. Good luck!

The first heat will be Dame Reynold, Cochran, Calgon, Mascaroni and Freebush. Survivors ready, go! *glug glug glug* And that would be Freebush drowning. The poor gal got pooped right after she jumped in the water. Instead, let's focus on the Dame, who might be part Merman because he is crushing this heat from the word go. The only person who is even remotely giving him a run for is money is Mascaroni. And it is those two that will proceed on to the final round.

The second heat will be Phillip...
"Um, excuse me Dimples. I'm sitting out."
"Say what now?"
"I'm going to sit out this Challenge."
"Are you stupid or something?"
"As a boy I had an incident in the water."
And then Dimples gave him the hand.

Ok, so the second heat will be Golden Boy, Mowgli, Erik and Theddie. Survivors ready, go! Just as expected, Golden Boy and Theddie easily take the lead with Erik and Mowgli hot on their heels. Unlike the last heat, everyone actually has a chance in this one. Until, that is, the second time under. Golden Boy quickly slithers into the lead and into the first open spot. Unfortunately for Theddie, his second ring doesn't quite make it on the post and Mowgli gets the second spot by default.

This brings us to the final round with Dame Reynold, Mascaroni, Golden Boy and Mowgli. Survivors ready, go! With the music thumping in time with our hearts, the four survivors race into the water and under their platforms. Unsurprisingly, Dame Reynold and Golden Boy emerge from the water first. The two lads remain neck in neck up until the third lap when the Dame slowly starts to pull ahead. In the fourth round, his lead continues to widen over Golden Boy as the music strengthens in intensity. In the fifth and final round, we all lean a little closer to our TV's and wait and see who pops out of the water first. It's Dame Reynold! Golden Boy is right behind him, but he's a tired pony and has a hard time getting to his feet. And with that... DAME REYNOLD WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at camp, the Dame is basking in the glow of Immunity. It reminds him of the time he played Nora in A Doll's House at the Royal Theatre in Copenhagen. And if you know anything about performing Ibsen then you know that its subtle nuance requires the utmost mastery of language and movement. It was the single proudest moment of the Dame's life when he heard those applause on opening night. That is, until today when he felt those pats on his back as he sashayed into Edamame. With a glance at his adoring audience he gushes, "I have the utmost respect for all of you." Except for that mockery of American theatre known as Phillip. The Dame has zero respect for anyone who skips performances and that includes Challenges. In fact, it is sacrilegious! Sacrilegious. I'm telling you, the Dame could be my brother. Or at least a cousin. When he drops those multisyllabic dramatic words into everyday conversation, I feel a kinship with him. In fact, just last week I told a petulant child in my care that to not watch Daddy Day Care would be blasphemy. Sacrilege. Blasphemy. Same thing! All the world is a stage, Dame. You go, girl.

And so, with the Dame proudly flaunting his necklace, there is a kink in the Smurfs-R-Lust's plan to get rid of him. For a short time Phillip paces uncomfortably before stealing Mascaroni away for a little tete-a-tete. He whispers loud enough for the whales to hear, "We're still going to split the votes." Mascaroni nods OK. Phillip then approaches Calgon, who is hanging the laundry on the clothesline, and shares the new plan with her as well. Phillip is under the impression that his plan is innovative and groundbreaking. It's a plan that could perhaps gain him not only the respect of his peers, but their votes when he makes it to the final three. Truth be told, all he is doing is substituting Theddie for Dame Reynold. Real groundbreaking.

Golden Boy may have lost the battle, but he hasn't lost the war. He still has that Idol in his shorts, but he'd rather not use it. Ideally, he'd like to save it for a later date in case he needs it. So he gathers his brawny brothers into the brush and the three chitchat about how the Idol has to be somewhere they've overlooked. The Dame and Theddie are pumped to start looking because they need to keep as many of their alliance in the game for as long as possible. Back in camp, while Phillip is repeatedly trying to tell his "I was a boy in a pond" story, Mascaroni gets a lightbulb over her head. "We should look for the Idol," she says. Whether it was a ploy to not have to hear the pond story, I do not know. All I know is that Calgon agrees and the two of them skip off in he direction of the Three Amigos.

As Golden Boy begins poking around a rock wall, the two gals mosey up and ask him if he's found the Idol. Golden Boy shakes his head no just as he slides his hand into a hole in the rock wall. A slow smile suddenly begins to spread over his face and we know. We know! You know, I know, even weirdo Calgon knows... Golden Boy has just found the Idol! Mascaroni watches in horror as he shows it to them before racing back to camp to tell everyone. Surprisingly, the group doesn't really react all that much and they decide to stick with the same plan at Tribal. They'll split the votes between Golden Boy and Theddie in case Golden Boy doesn't play his Idol.

And this brings us to Tribal Council. Gay (Michael) is brought in as the first member of the Jury and then we get down to business. Dimples begins by asking Dame Reynold if the Three Amigos are still on the outs with the main alliance of Favorites. Dame Reynold replies, "Definitely." Theddie agrees and says that the three of them will have to win every Immunity from here on out in order to stay in the game. And then, in a blink of an eye, he turns melancholy, "You try to think of the posthitivesth. I'll remember everything I've done here forever." Dimples, a little surprised by Theddie's answer, tells Mascaroni that Theddie is acting like this is his last night. Mascaroni tell him that it's true. Everyone is looking at Theddie right now. It wasn't part of the plan, but Golden Boy found the Idol and now they have no choice.

Golden Boy, in typical Golden Boy fashion, whips the Idol out of his pocket and waves it proudly in front of everyone. He twirls it around his finger above his head, waves it in front of Mascaroni and even mock chokes Phillip with it. Dame Reynold beams excitedly and claps. He's always enjoyed the art of mime.

Speaking of Dame Reynold, Cochran admits to everyone that he was in fact the first choice to be voted out. With his theatre training and chiseled good looks, the Dame is the type of guy who can charm his way to the top and that threatens young Cochran.

Dimples then innocently asks Mascaroni how life is back at Edamame and Mascaroni does something strange and, quite frankly, stupid. She begins to wax poetic about how camp is paranoid and how she's not allowed to hang out with the boys anymore because then it makes her a target. But she doesn't shut up! She goes on and on, "It was making me a target. It made them want to vote me out. I could be the next one to go. I don't want people seeing me as a threat." It was almost as if she was begging for everyone to now, henceforth, think of her as a threat. If any of them had never thought Mascaroni = threat before tonight, they do now.

Dimples turns to Golden Boy for his perspective on how they're treated back at camp and I swear Golden Boy must have taken an acting workshop with the Dame one weekend because he replies, "We are treated like we have the plague." And then he pauses for dramatic effect. "Survivor is a game. So, we figured we'd do something about it." And voila! *Golden Boy whips a second Idol out of his other pocket* Suck on that, bitches! *dunks entire head into the bathtub of gin I've been stirring this entire time* "So this is the other Idol I've been holding onto. I'm going to go ahead and give it to Theddie." Kablam!

Those pesky Sharts-R-Gross immediately get wide-eyed and speechless. Cochran hangs his head in his hands as Calgon's eyeballs roll out onto the dirt. Mascaroni can't stop poking the inside of her cheek with her tongue as Mowgli finally wakes up and realizes that something important just happened. Meanwhile, Gay is clapping and giggling from the stands just as tinkle begins to run down Phillip's leg. It was mayhem and it was GORGEOUS!!! All at once everyone is losing their shit as my three strapping young bucks all sat beaming. Rows of white teeth and sparkly eyes. Flushed cheeks and rippling abs. My men sat up straighter, threw their shoulders back and all wore their Idols proudly. Kapow! Oh, and Phillip? Watch. Chichaw! *dunks right breast into an awaiting bowl of gold glitter* Get it? Chichaw! *dunks left breast into bowl* Gold glitter for everyone! It's nekkid time!!!

Dimples then tries to continue the conversation with Golden Boy, but those Favorites have run amok! Phillip is stealth whispering to Mowgli as Cochran is making obscene finger gestures to Erik. Mascaroni and Calgon are deep in conversation as Freebush begins to weirdly squeeze the bejesus out of her own head. Not one person in Scrap-R-Butts is paying any attention to Dimples. Not. One. At home we laughed and laughed as those phony baloneys all got a piece of what was coming to them. If you follow a man who plays Make Believe Corporate Organization on a daily basis, crap like this happens to you. Dummies.

And then... AND THEN... it gets better because Golden Boy, without a goddamn care in the world announces, "Just so you know, the three of us are voting for Phillip." *splashes gold glitter all over my body* And then Phillip did this...

And we all peed ourselves from laughing so hard. Chichaw! But Golden Boy isn't done, my friends. Oh no. Golden Boy came out here to have the time of his life, but he can't with that douche canoe Phillip around. Phillip is the fun sponge who sucks all the fun out of life... and Survivor. Survivor doesn't have to this militaristic thing where it's all about basic training. And then finally, Phillip responds by accusing Golden Boy of maligning his character. *snickers* Phillip, dude, you've been doing a crackerjack job of making yourself look like a tool all by yourself.

Dimples finally exhales and asks Mascaroni how she's going to vote tonight. And here is how Mascaroni responds, "I know I'm still a target. People could be thinking me. Maybe they'll all write my name down." *smacks self in head* And then, out of nowhere, a shaggy poodle raises his hand. It's Erik and he has something to say, "I know the three guys all have Idols, but it might not be a bad idea to hold onto one." Oh stick a cork in it. Dimples then tries to make a big to-do over whether or not Golden Boy will end up even playing his Idol which, effectively, makes Phillip announce to everyone that should vote how they originally planned. Dimples, butt out!

Alright bitches, let's vote. If anyone has the Hidden Immunity Idol and wants to play it, now is the time. Theddie immediately jumps out of his seat and hurls his Idol at Dimples' head. And then, everything goes silent and all focus turns to Golden Boy. He sits motionless for a smidge (a trick he learned from the Dame) and then breaks out into a big smile. Of course he's going to play it! He's not a dumbass. And, it's a good thing he did because *drumroll* I am proud to announce the cancellation of that travesty we've hated all season long, The Phillip Sheppard Show. Phillip, you are the 11th person voted out of Survivor Carmoan and the 2nd member of the Jury. Chichaw!

*leans back and lights a cigarette* Was it good for you because I know it was good for me. I'm naked, drunk, covered in gold glitter and I couldn't be happier. So long sucka!

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Is that fraying thread holding Calgon together strong enough to last another week? Will any remaining Slugs-R-Dust defect and join the amigos?  Did you expect Golden Boy to give his Idol to Theddie? How many times did you touch yourself last night? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. As soon as Malcolm pulled the idol from out of the hole ,I knew he would give the other idol to Eddie .Did we see Parvati do a similar move for Heroes vs Villians ?Malcolm is making the same mistake he made with Denise,leaving Reynold in the game .Just like leaving Denise in too long ,he's keeping Reynold ,and I really don't think he can beat Reynold in a lot of challenges.Instead of getting rid of the strong he's keeping them around .If it comes to Reynold picking someone to go to the Final with ,I don't think he would pick Malcolm .Although they are alligned now, it's still Fans vs Favorites I'm glad Phillip is gone ,and maybe we'll see more of Brenda .Brenda FTW.I'm even liking Cochran this time.

    1. He couldn't really vote him out yet especially being outside the main power alliance in control. After the next couple if he manages to get properly on top he could start doing worrying about being able to beat. You can't start getting rid of your few allies when you're massively down big time in numbers.

  2. My two favorite portions of this great recap - Calgon reliving when she lost her teeth and the introduction of the term "Poopwater".

  3. I was hoping Brenda would shove Dawn into the water and tell her to get her own damn retainer! But, alas~ Admittedly I loved Eddie's over-the-top lil boy grin when his name was shown to have been written down. The only touching of myself was smacking of my forehead everytime Dawn ( who looks like a cat off of Twisted Whiskers ) was shown. Here's hoping Phillip receives a lobotomy.

  4. I admit it was extremely entertaining television and Malcolm is very smart and hot and blah blah blah, but don't forget that now the three of them, still outnumbered, are up against a majority. It would have been smarter for them to keep the idols hidden until after the votes, but it was awesome to watch everyone squirm after Malcolm's grand show a la Parvati (although less successful - it's going to take a lot of manipulation and more hidden idols for the Three Amigos to get to the Final Three).

    It would have been a huge risk to take if they had held on to the idols, but as the votes showed, it would have paid off because Phillip would still have been voted out (Phillip received 5 votes in total) and they would have been able to hold on to the power. I`m very interested to see what happens next week.

    Great recap! I knew you`d be excited!

    1. Phillip received 4 votes in total: Malcolm, Eddie, Reynold, Erik

  5. I don't get all the love for Cochran. Yes, he's not as irritating this season, but I don't think his strategy is so brilliant. Bring the most despised player to the end? It's been done before. So priceless seeing the smug faces of Stealth collapse. It is going to be a new show without Fillup. Let's hope the producers get the message that it is more entertaining to watch strategy than lazy whales, demented Hantz's and Specialists. Golden Boy for the win.

  6. That one tribal was worth all of the tedious hours watching this season of the Phillip show. Now, there may be something worth watching. Love me some Golden Boy(s).

  7. Doesth anybody elth think that Theddie ith starting to rethemble 'Theen Wolfth"?

    1. Great observation!

      He also reminded me of my 1970s Adventure Team GI Joe now affectionately described as "Fuzzy Head" GI Joes.

  8. I loved the phrase "douche canoe"! Where did you come up with that? I really didn't like Eddie and Reynold in the beginning, but I'm kinda pulling for them now along with Malcolm. Always like to see the underdog win.

  9. All hail, the Golden Boys R Us!

  10. I thought Brandon's meltdown would be the orgasm of the season, and we'd be left with little after squirts for the duration. But damn if it hasn't been getting better every week. Tribal lived up to the hype for once. Buh bye, Phillip. Don't let the balut hit you in the ass on the way out.

    Another great recap, CL!

  11. Hahahaha... ... A great recap there, TeeLALA. It was quite an epic tribal council. Even if Golden Boy goes out next, he has shown that he can outlast & out-play The "incredulous" Specialist and his ridiculous organisation, Step-Arrow-Horse. As to how many times I touched myself, can I really remember? Just know I was semi-nude, and thinking about Mowgli all the times I did it. OMG!!! Did I just say that??? I must be intoxicated with much gin.

  12. See ya Phillip wouldn't want to be ya ( or even be around you) I laughed my ads off. Phillip didn't even pack his pink nasty underwear to go to tribal. Best survivor moment ever. GO Golden Boy

  13. I wish Malcolm would have waited until after the votes to whip out his idol and give it to Theddie but I guess he did it to gloat and make them all scramble and show which people are aligned together by making them throw out names to vote off.

    Stupid Fillup (Dimples even spelled it before the vote) tells everyone to vote the way they intended and he would go home. What an idiot. If he would have said let's vote out Freebush or Mascaroni they would all have followed like the sheep that they are. He really is stupid. I am glad he is gone but I think it's stupid for him to just sit there and tell everyone to vote the way they intended and he'll go.

    I can't believe no one threw Freebush's name out there instead they were all saying Mascaroni's name.

    Great blog as usual. Am anxious to see how things get changed up next week now that Special agent Fillup is finally gone. I think all his sheep are going to be lost and not know what to do. He has been the most pathetic leader in all of Survivor history. All of the people following him have all been the most pathetic too. Will never understand how or why they all chose to let him call the shots and be in charge.

  14. Sluts R Us is doomed....doomed I say


  15. GB made the right play in putting the idols out there before the vote. Could have gotten ShtsRUs to turn on themselves even more if things had broken a little differently and as it was he did get Erik to flip. Fillup's fouling of the pool was the perfect metaphor for his influence in the game and he has left a foul mess behind that needs a refresher and I predict will have one. And as I have said earlier in the trail of this entertaining season, Theddie's name should really be Haskell...or Hathkell, he is so much like that guy its offense, but this is the first time in as long as I can remember that the show was more entertaining than the blog...that is saying a LOT.

  16. WOW, what else can be said about that Tribal Council that you never mentioned. Great Blog as usual.
    I think the alliance may fall apart some, maybe Brenda or Erik may get some camera time, now wouldn't that be a treat.
    Glad Fillup is finally gone though.

  17. Malcolm made a bone-headed move. He could have kept an idol in his pocket, waved goodbye to Eddie, and then been safe in the knowledge that he would be safe again the next TC due to the one he has hidden in his pocket. Saving Eddie was nice, but there is no guarantee that he will find another HII.

  18. BEST. TRIBAL COUNCIL. EVAR. And thank you GB for making it all possible. If the boys are smart, they will secure Andrea, Erik AND freebush. get rid of Calgon, Cochron and Mowgli in order. Then Freebush, then all hell breaks loose. But by going after 3 noobs, maybe they'll be more secure in getting 2 of them.

    I still think GB's play was brilliat and he probably earned the Peep's 100K as favorite with that move. That took balls and forskin err foresight. brilliant!

  19. Finally, this is what we have been waiting for, real action from determined players, not boring inactivity from so-called students of the game, let's hope the previews are correct in showing a breakup of the original "Idiots R Us" gang. The look on Fillup's face, as captured above, is priceless, I'll bet he still does not know what hit him months later. Now we have the "The Calgon Show", do the producers think we need to see the over-acted tears every episode? I am reminded of the saying: "Nothing dries quicker than a woman's tears".

    If I remember correctly, Mowgli had a lot more to say in her first season, maybe she now will wake up and try to play the game. Maybe Cochran will come up from his computer in his Mother's basement and start to play the game. Someone has to take over for Fillup, I don't want to see fake tears for the rest of the season.

    Great recap, Lala!

  20. GB is the best. Love his combination of good humor and bravado. Hope to see the three young bucks keep hunting for idols while the lazy ones lay around.
    Very mysterious about Mowgli's edit. Did she make Mike Burnett mad? I need to know! (Too much time on my hands)

  21. You rock, bitch! Great recap. I think Malcolm was smart to let the others know that the Three Amigos were untouchable. This caused Fillup and his minions to literally collapse and wither in horror before our eyes. Erik, who voted for Fillup, deliberately planted the idea that one idol may not be played so that Scrotums-R-Us would stick to its original plan. By falling for Erik's ruse, he orchestrated the demise of the Specialist (read Syphilist). And to seal the deal, he voted for Fillup. I am so glad to see that douche bag forced out. I know he will claim it is a game but c'mon, what a total douche. No one can do that great of a job of acting -- I suspect the Syphilist is like that in real life. He should have been booted for muddying (literally) the waters at the resort. What a total tool! Buh bye, douche -- you can now go suck it at Ponderosa.

  22. I have to say that was one of the best, if not the best, tribal councils I have ever seen. I wonder if GB had that planned out with Dame Reynold and Theddie, or if he came up with it in the moment, to pull out the idol, give it to Theddie, and declare that they were getting rid of Phillip (did you know he was a federal agent?). His act was tiresome and annoying and the poopwater line made me snort out loud. After reading that, I immediately thought of PigPen from the Peanuts, except in the water. That cloud of filth that just sort of followed him where ever he went. Nice!

    I am surprised that Golden Boy didn't do better in the reward challenge since that challenge was identical to what they did last season (and I don't know if it had been used before so none of the others would have known the strategy that Penner employed). Though they were saddled with Freebush. I don't know why she even competes. She should just say, I'm out. She looked like Bambi trying to stand going over the balance beams.

    As far as the immunity challenge, I agree with Dame Reynold, that sitting out the challenge was a move that deserved the scorn of all the other players. I think the main reason Phillip (he was a special agent you know) sat out was because he thought there was no way he was going home and he didn't need immunity. There is just something poetic about the way things played out. But it was obvious that either GB or Dame Reynold was going to win immunity. It would have been interesting to see how things had played out if GB had won the necklace. Would he have given away his necklace to save one of the other three amigos? I don't think he would have given them both away.

    When GB pulled out the second idol, to see the rest of the Dorks-R-Us scrambling to figure out who to vote out was awesome. No one knew what to do. Some great planning there. I think it was a good move, because you weaken the strong alliance, and you show some of the "lower" people in the alliance that you have a plan, and that if they peel off, they will go farther with you, than with them. Plus, it makes Dorks-R-Us think on their feet and make a decision without consulting the others, so maybe you get rid of Phillip, maybe the others turn on one of the other stronger players. It looked as if Mascaroni was almost offered up, until Phillip (he was a federal agent, you know) declared to vote according to the original plan. I don't think that one of the Dorks-R-Us alliance was sad to see Phillip (guess what? he was a federal agent) take the walk of shame. And how extra sweet was it watching him take the walk without his stuff, because he went into tribal confident that he wasn't going home?

    I think that it was initially done just to survive another week. After all, the three amigos realize they don't have the numbers. So best case scenario, one of them makes it another three weeks (tribals). But knowing that they are strong enough to win immunity challenges, at least the ones that require strength, or some other sort of physical prowess, the thought is that there is always a good chance one of them can keep going farther, thus forcing the hand of the Dorks-R-Us sooner than they wanted.

    I don't get the love for Cockburn. He isn't doing a whole lot other than lying low. He ruined his alliance the first time he played, and I don;t see him bringing anything to the game right now. He hasn't done a whole lot of scheming, he has so far only gone along with Phillip (did you realize he was a federal agent?). I think it is going to be interesting now to see who tries to take control of the Dorks-R-Us Corporation. I think the three amigos may be able to get the Ice Cream Man, and it looks like they make a strong push for Freebush too. If they can pull that off, they can change the game. Big time players make big time moves, and I think this was a big time move this week.

  23. It seems like some commenters think that GB should have waited until after the vote to dish out the two idols. I disagree. I think it was genius to create confusion, impose some control over events and hopefully make the "Alliance" uncomfortable. Season after season, I think comfortability makes the #6 and #7 player in an alliance of seven lackadaisical. The strategy would only have backfired if, as someone noted, Phillip thought on his feet and shouted out an order to execute Freebush right on the spot. Let's face it Phillip is no Boston Rob. Boston Rob would have figured that out on the spot and possibly have strategized in advance that the Golden Boys might have two idols not just the one. Erik might already be leaning now. I am sure Golden Boy was hoping for more chaos and division. Truth be told, Phillip did hold order in the ranks at his own expense, prevented chaos from boiling over while forcing that the two idols be played. Stupid, but courageous.

    Lala, how did Phillip get through two seasons without you assigning him a nickname? Is he just too obvious a target? Perhaps that's your ultimate insult.

  24. "I think it was genius to create confusion, impose some control over events and hopefully make the "Alliance" uncomfortable."

    I agree. It was great seeing the SRU members discussing throwing each other under the bus. There are only two ways it could have been better:

    1. If the Amigos had provided running commentary. "Hey Jeff, Andrea and Dawn are whispering Fillup's name".

    2. If after everyone had scrambled, Malcolm had piped up with "Jeff, we've changed our mind... we're not voting for Fillup, but for Andrea". Why? To set off another round of whispering, because Andrea wouldn't have sat back and taken it passively like Fillup did. And because it would have been funny to see Andrea's horrified face turn more horrified. They could still have voted for Fillup... the objective would be to draw out the confusion, the back stabbing, and the amusement value.

  25. The idols had to be declared before the vote. The aim wasn't just sending Fillup home, it was shattering the Sheep R Nervous alliance.

    They detached Erik. Freebush seems to be up for grabs, although an alliance containing Freebush, Theddie and the Dame would be a sought to see. Despite all the Fillup-bagging on this blog I really cannot seen any of the surviving Sheeplings holding the flock of 5 together.

    Not can I see a lot of good reason for the Cochrophilia. Survivor is about doing stuff, not theorising ineffectually and inaccurately to the camera about what other people are doing.

  26. Great blog after a great episode, Lala. Another gorgeous opening paragraph. I would have drowned Phillip in the pool--that was perhaps the most offensive thing he'd done in his two seasons, and that's saying something. I was as thrilled by our boys as you were, but it did occur to me, too, that after the vote, Reynold could have draped his string of claws (really ugly immunity necklace this season) over Golden Boy's head and saved one HII. And as I don't have a house full of glitter, I burst into song when Phillip was finally excised like the tumor he is. Oh, and the answer to your question is seven.

  27. Superlative! Top 5. No not of this season idiot, of all time. Yes I maintain a list in my head. When Survivor gets cancelled or you finally get sick of blogging about it, I'll show you the list. Of course, it's a personal list. There are elements of your blogs that appeal to me that perhaps don't appeal to others, and vice versa. I thought "A Diarrhea Fest" was pretty flat, yet others seemed to like it.

    Now I want to talk about narrative, and credit. If you're familiar with Ibsen you ought to know about narrative, and as a writer you ought to care about credit being apportioned appropriately. I see you standing there, after that episode of Survivor, and I see a girl with matted hair, sweaty and heaving, with "glitter" dripping from her tits and her entire head looking like it was dunked in a tub of the stuff, and I think to myself 'Now there's a girl who just had an orgasm'. After you finished your post-coital cigarette, I hope you took a step back and appreciated that Malcolm wasn't the only one deserving of credit for that orgasm - this season's editors performed a fair amount of foreplay. They knew they had a story with a killer denouement in the books, and they edited towards that denouement with the aim of giving it the maximum impact.

    The "Phillip Sheppard Show" was deliberately crammed down our throats until we were thoroughly fed up. The beauty of the nickname assigned by Phillip to Malcolm was flaunted before us at every opportunity. Corinne did not have a voice in the show until she began maligning Phillip - she was cast in the role of audience mouthpiece. We were teased with the hope she might orchestrate his exit, then horrified when she fell before the blowhard Balrog like the wizard Gandalf. Then they terrified us with the prospect of Golden Boy being smelted by the Balrog's fiery breath next, all the while knowing what was to come. Brandon's meltdown, which might otherwise not have been shown in its entirety, was included in all its ugliness because it played a role in the larger narrative: here's an emotional young man sensitive enough to be annoyed by Phillip's egotism, but not smart enough to do anything about it other than resort to vandalism. Now here's another young man, also annoyed by Philip's egotism - check out how he deals with it...

    Que orgasm (and yes, I had one too. Although mine wasn't quite as messy as yours).

    A few weeks ago, you despaired of this season. But I sensed the teasing, the tickling, the touching and the licking that was going on, and I tried to restore your faith a little - well, this season has now resulted in a double tit dunk and a head submerge in GOLD glitter. To my knowledge, that's a record. The editors knew exactly what they were doing all right.

    Now to the blog itself. I don't want to pick two highlights, 'cos this week that would be an insult to the other highlights - like opening a fresh bag of M&M's, plucking two out at random, and declaring 'These two M&M's are the best two M&M's in the whole bag'. I can't resist saying this though: that picture of Malcolm with his hand in the rock is now my favourite episode pic ever, and Dame Reynold is now my favourite character of yours, ever. Yes, he even beats the taciturn poet from last season (and you know how much I liked him) and before that, the confection known as Kitty Kat.

    Thank you for delighting me, and making me laugh a lot. See you next week!

    1. Dame Reynold might be my most favorite character of all time as well. He's definitely the one I'm having the most fun with this season.

  28. Greatest. Tribal. Ever.

    Doesn't anyone wonder how Reynold could know to hold on to his idol? It was like the 3 knew how R-us were going to vote.

    A bit of a risk no?


    1. Reynold had the actual immunity necklace from winning the challenge, not a hidden immunity idol.

    2. Thanks,

      Yeah, this DAWNed on me while I watched last night.


  29. The episode was great and I liked how it played out, but for Malcolm's position in the game his move was awful. T

    There was no reason to announce he was voting for Phillip, if anything Philip owned malcolm by sticking to his plan, excepting he was going, and taking Malcolms ace in the hole out with him.

    All Malcolm did was guarantee all three amigos another week. He didn't make any big move to try an break up stealthrus. The person who made out the best wit that tribal was Erik: he opened a spot for himself in final three in his alliance that still has the numbers and got the other alliance to play both of their idols at once.

    Malcolm's move didn't take balls, it just someone who wasn't planning ahead and looking at the end game. Congratulations, you took out the one person in the enemy alliance who pissed off half of them and would be most likely for them to flip against.

  30. Enough with idols! they completely take the strategy out of the game, and enough with all these feasts , these latest crop of survivors look like they are vacationing in the Bahams, I hate immunity Idols and returning players, everyone says that Boston Rob is the greatest player in "Survivor" history, but he kept getting invited back until he won. . . .please, please how about all new people next time?