Thursday, May 9, 2013

It Makes Me Wanna Spit!


Romans 7:20: Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Sin lives inside each and every one of us. Primal, vengeful, carnal, delicious sin. But if you neglect that kernel of ickiness, it will begin to fester, begin to bubble, begin to boil up through squishy innards and out through tiny holes where enamel once stood. When the pearly whites hit the earth, the blackened holes left in their wake gave a sinister peek into the darkness within us. The blackness of that inner demon waiting for an exit strategy. Sloshing in the bile and acid, he waits. He waits for good deeds gone bad, for humility masked in cunning craftiness, and then he strikes. Like a cobra to its prey, that once formerly dormant serpent uncoils and snaps everything - twigs, bark, bamboo, necks. Snap, crackle, pop, ye innocents. Crunch, you bystanders. Mrs. Hyde is spitting mad and now you will all suffer the consequences. Let's recap, shall we?

Our fertile fable continues with an effete foible at first light. Shaggy, worn, and depleted, Erik narrows his eyes at the rising sun while Theddie (Eddie), covered in filth and resignation, contemplates his Survivor dating history. Every girl he has ever laid eyes on has been vaporized. One second they're standing there as innocent as you please and the next second they are nothing more than a strand of blonde hair in the sand. But today, with no more fair eligible women to smile crookedly at, Theddie feels his time here in The Philippines is coming to a close. Unless, of course, he wins Immunity. If Theddie wins Immunity at the next Challenge, bespectacled chalky fop Cochran might be the one getting his walking papers. Theddie thinks it is only a matter of time before Cochran's alliance turns on him. They turned on one of their own last week, what's stopping them from doing it again?


What, indeed. Not a stone's throw away from Cochran on the beach checking his body for an expiration date, sits Calgon (Dawn) and Mowgli (Brenda) discussing what to do in the case that Theddie pulls out an Immunity win. Mowgli, having tasted the sweet syrupy goodness of a backstabbing last night, has an indescribable lust for it now. Like a drug, the idea of another blindside courses through her veins as she suggests to Calgon that they go after Cochran next. And here is where Calgon confirms the secret alliance I was wondering about just last week. While listening to Mowgli suggest blindsiding Cochran, Calgon reveals to us that while the idea isn't completely out of the realm of possibility, she has a little something-something going with Cochran and Freebush (Sherri). And just like that, the mystery of why the hell Freebush is still around is suddenly solved. What I'm wondering now is if Cochran actively sought out a Golden Girls alliance from the get go or was it something that developed organically over time? Perhaps it was a group love of cheesecake, needlepoint, and checkers on the lanai that brought them together.



While most of the camp sits and schemes, that poodle Erik is halfheartedly carving another notch into his calendar tree. *sigh* He's been playing Survivor for 70 days now (mind you, 70 days spread over 5 years) and he knows he should be happy right now, but he's not. It's exhausting lying around and doing nothing! It's backbreaking work napping in the sand and not fishing. Making finger trails in the sun all day will suck the life out of anyone, I'll have you know. Do you have any idea how many calories it takes to sing Rusted Root songs in your head 24/7? 'Send Me On My Way' alone is worth a good 50 if you flail your arms from beginning to end. All that twirling and arm waving, along with copious amounts of LSD, has left the tribe hippy depleted and spent.


Now when he looks up to the sky through the leaves of the palm trees, all he sees are coconuts mocking him. Their hairy heads bobbing up and down to 'Peace Frog' - Blood in the streets it's up to my ankles... What were once friendly fruits are now taunting demons. Demons that must be sacrificed. With a machete in his teeth and dilated pupils, Erik begins to inch his way up the precarious trunk of the tree housing the demon coconuts. But about half way up the tree, the visions begin. Visions of his lanky body tumbling down the tree and onto the blade of his machete. The color red singing to him as Dr. Ramona drags his lifeless corpse away leaving a sticky bloody trail in the sand. Blinking his eyes in an effort to quiet the echoes of a cackling Dr. Ramona, Erik second guesses his skyward climb and instead pushes play on the Blues Traveler in his mind. The scene ends with our defeated ball of hair staring upward and mouthing the words of 'Run Around' right along with the coconut singers... Once upon a midnight dreary, I woke with something in my head...


After a morning of disappointment, our remaining Survivors finally get some good news in the form of a Sprint telephone. Before Theddie can figure out how to turn the damn thing on, Calgon tackles him to the ground and screams, "No! Nooooo!!!" I love it when Calgon gets overtaken by her emotions and hollers things she doesn't mean. It's nice to see her let loose and unleash her violent side, but more on that later. So yeah, these chuckleheads are all a mess of tears and snot at the idea of seeing their loved ones send their stock messages of, "We're so proud of you. Everyone is doing well." Just once I want someone, someone like my mom, to be like, "Your sister has a new boyfriend. Why can't you find a boyfriend? You know, you're the oldest. You should be married already. Are you not giving me grandchildren because I sold your car that one time you went to New York?" Wouldn't a little honesty be refreshing?


Instead we get Mowgli's dad, Calgon's husband, Freebush's husband, Cochran's mom, Theddie's dad and Erik's brother doing that same old same old, "We're so very proud of you." My mother, the modern day Mrs. Bennet, won't be proud until she's married off her three daughters to Russian billionaires and is sipping margaritas from her terrace in San Miguel De Allende. She's a trip (and completely insane), my mother.

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! The Survivors stand on tippy toes bubbling with excitement because they know what's about to happen. Let's trot out your loved ones!


First up is Mowgli's dad, Raymond. Raymond is the man we can all blame for Mowgli being a bore this season. After seeing her behavior on her first season, Raymond advised his daughter to be humble this time around. "Humble" equals "thumping bore" when it comes to Survivor. Thanks for nothing Raymond!


It is here that Dimples sneakily rubs some bengay on his eyes and pretends to cry. Tears equals ratings, baby!


Quick Mark, get a close up!



Next up is Erik's brother Justice. I mean, Richard. Brother! Brother! Brothers gotta hug.


Next we discover that Freebush is married to one of her teenage drive-thru workers. Come on out Jared!


The music then turns wistful and dreamy as Cochran's mom Arlene, with a fabulous pair of silver hoop earrings, embraces her son. Arlene reminds me of that wonderful art teacher we all had in high school. She always wore turquoise jewelry and Birkenstocks while whimsically describing a Vermeer with wild hand gestures. I definitely think Arlene has taken a pottery class. As a matter of fact, she's probably served Cochran cereal in misshapen earthenware bowls since he was a toddler. Precious.


And then we meet my favorite - Big Ed! Big Ed is jovial and funny. He's the life of the party with a heart of gold. In one fell swoop, he lifts up his grown son and smothers him with kisses. I loved it.


Finally, we're about to meet Calgon's husband, Dave. But not before Calgon does that opposite thing again and shrieks "No! Nooo!!! NOOOOO!!!!" into the trees. Dave isn't sure whether to run away or to run into his wife's arms. He opts for running into her arms and for a second I thought we'd get a little make out sesh. Calgon squeezes him tight and writhes against him before remembering she's Mormon and ending the reunion with a simple peck. Buzzkill Calgon!

For today's Challenge, you are going to compete with your loved one. You and your loved one will spin around in circles unscrewing rails. Once you've unscrewed all three rails, you will toss bolos onto them. The first pair to toss three bolos onto their rails wins Reward. The winning pair will get to devour an enormous barbecue feast just feet from your camp. You not only win food, but you win the privilege of rubbing it into the losers faces. Survivors ready, go!

The Challenge begins with Arlene giggling on the breeze and Freebush yelling at her husband to slow down. Erik and his brother quickly take the lead freeing their first rail with Mowgli and Raymond right behind them. The remaining Survivors begin to straggle in with their first rails leaving only Cochran and Arlene back at the start. It is here where Dimples takes his opportunity to hit on Cochran's mom.
"How old you are you Arlene?"
"She's about to turn 64 in a few weeks."
"Looking good, baby!"
"Stop hitting on my mom, Dimples!"


Alright, let's cruise to the end of the Challenge where we have a showdown between Mowgli, Calgon and Freebush. All have two bolos on their rails and it's a race to land the next one. Mowgli, who has been consistently missing her rails, passes her last bolo to Raymond who lands it and MOWGLI WINS REWARD!!!


Now it is Mowgli's chance to pick someone to join her on her Reward. Since Calgon is her best "I lost my teeth in a stank ass pond" friend, she picks Calgon and the four winners are as happy as they can be. But wait, there's more! Here's another Sprint phone and looky inside - more loved ones! For the first time in Survivor history there is a second set of loved ones living inside the phone. We have Cochran's dad, Freebush's son, Erik's other brother Darrell, Theddie's mom, Calgon's best friend and Mowgli's sister. Mowgli, you can choose one other Survivor and their loved one to enjoy a barbecue feast OR you can let all those other schmucks party with BOTH of their loved ones while you watch them from a laughingly close distance. What are you gonna do Mowgli? With Calgon wailing in the background, Mowgli doesn't even blink an eyelash as she decides to let the others have their loved ones.


Mowgli made her own bed and now she has to lie in it. Not only does she have to lie in it, but she has to lie in it while the crazy Mormon by her side completely loses her shit. Yessss! Sophie's Choice meet Psycho. At home I snickered to myself because I knew, I knew, that Calgon's inner demon was reaching its breaking point and I can't wait!


While you all grab your crucifixes and holy water (trust me, you'll need them), let us whisk ourselves to the Duffy offshore. We've got brewskis, some Jimmy Buffet playing and Bubba Cochran on the grill flipping burgers. Just a lazy day enjoying Duffy life. Now, I don't know if you've ever been on a Duffy, but they're like floating patios. They never take you very far and you basically just sit on them and do what could very well be done on your back porch. But they're on the water and that's what makes them neat! I can tell you many a story of sitting 10 feet offshore with a box of wine and some chinese take out. On the water that box is a bottle of Chateau Lafite and the Kung Pao is an exquisite Ming Tsai creation. Everything tastes better on a boat.
(I know Duffy isn't the correct term, but it's what I know and it sounds better than "floating dock")


So while Freebush is frantically reconnecting her umbilical cord to her son and Cochran is mystified by his cool daddy-o, one lady watches it all through gritted teeth from a nearby beach. Her name is Caldracula and not only does she like to pummel inanimate objects with her fists, but she also likes to spit! Toxic lethal venom spit. One drop of it on you and that body part shrivels up, turns to ash, and then falls off. Caldracula doesn't like to have things waved in front of her - things like her husband - only to have them so brutally taken away. Teasing Caldracula like that is a good way to end up with her standing over you clutching a shard of coconut shell as you sleep. She'll just stand there and stare. She won't stab immediately for she likes the anticipation of the kill too much. She likes to watch you inhale and exhale as you dream. When you roll over, her eyes (and the sharpened blade) follow you carefully. She may even let one tiny drop of spittle hit your arm. With a blank stare and a smirk, she'll watch your flesh quietly sizzle as you swat your arm thinking it's a mosquito bite. That moment when you finally flutter your eyes and stretch your arms overhead is when she'll strike. When you're at your most vulnerable is when she'll slice out your eyeballs and pop them into her mouth like candy. And this is why, every so often, go ahead and give in to that demon lurking inside of you. If you deny him pleasure of the drink, of sex, of wild carefree threesomes on a fold out couch, you'll fester, turn acidic and snap like Caldracula did. Your demon is your friend. Remember that.

Speaking of demons, here comes Cochran. While he is thrilled to have spent time with his parents, he is livid that Mowgli was able to appear so selfless to the others. "Likability is a liability," he says. This is very true. But let us ask ourselves, what is more likable than an awkward nerd fumbling his way through surviving on a deserted island? Not much. Not much at all and Cochran is a smart guy, he knows this. There isn't a story throughout the history of time more popular and appealing than the one of an underdog triumphing over adversity. But still, the fact that Mowgli was able to make what he calls a "game changing move" is bothersome to the lad. Furthermore, that sneakily crafty Arlene whispered to Cochran that Mowgli will win this game if sonny boy doesn't do something about it. And quick!


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge, you will be standing on a ledge over the water while holding onto a handle behind your back. That handle is connected to a wench and every so often Dimples will crank his wench (I think it's winch, but wench is funnier) lowering you closer to the water. Last person holding on wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!


Standing at his pirate wheel with a parrot on his shoulder, Dimples cranks his wench as all of the Survivors tilt forward towards the water. Immediately we can see that the shorter you are, the better you'll do. I'm sure there's a scientific principle involving fulcrum and theorems to explain it, but I only need use my own two eyes to see that Little Man Leif would have rocked this Challenge.

In addition to being smaller in stature, triceps would also be an advantage which means Cochran is out first. Not surprisingly, probably because of his weight, we lose Theddie right after. Which, weirdly, leads to Erik throwing the Challenge. As long as Theddie was out, I guess Erik feels safe. And the dominoes continue to fall with Freebush falling next.


We're left with Calgon, Mowgli and Calgon's motherly guilt. She wields that thing like a sword as she tells Mowgli that she doesn't want to hang there all day. Plus! She hasn't won Immunity yet. Mowgli may be a bore and a silly decision maker, but one thing she's not is a quitter. So good for you Mowgli for hanging on. There is nothing worse than someone who quits at Challenges - especially when it is for final 5. Unfortunately for Mowgli, Calgon is shorter and stays up longer. And so, even though Mowgli will later insist she threw the Challenge anyways (she 100% didn't), CALGON WINS IMMUNITY fair and square and without her motherly guilt.

Back at camp, Mowgli is fairly confident that tonight's Tribal Council is as straightforward as they come. The plan will be to get rid of Theddie. But as we already know, Cochran is worried that Mowgli's selfless act could destroy this season long story of David and Goliath that he's been working on. And when something is about to destroy your carefully crafted story, you eliminate it. You highlight that paragraph and you delete it. It may have been a perfectly likable paragraph. Well-written, charming, funny and overflowing with 50 cent words, but if it doesn't bring you to the denouement you have planned, you have no choice but to send it to the trash bin.


But here's the conflict: what if sending the intruder to your perfect story results in making you the tribe bad guy? Cochran will have to play this decision with finesse. First, he meets with Freebush to see what her thoughts are about tonight's vote. Lucky for Cochran, she mentions Mowgli without him having to breathe a syllable of her name. Calgon is a little bit trickier, or is she? While Calgon is extremely loyal to her Golden Girls alliance she is also fearful of having others controlling her game for her. She messed up in the South Pacific by letting Cochran call the shots and let me tell you, she is about to do it all over again. There is no way Calgon wins this game if she is next to Cochran in the finale. Furthermore, he's not a vindictive kind of a guy. Cutting him loose right before the vote probably won't lose her his vote. If Calgon is wise, she'll ditch the ginger fop before the final three. But something, EDITING, tells me she's not going to do that at all.

With only 3 days left in the game, players need to be thinking about every scenario. What happens if Theddie stays and wins? Who does he take to the end? Are you looking at me because I have no idea. I still don't think Theddie knows he's playing a game for money. Erik is a similar mystery. His loyalties are to blotter and Northern Lights, but as far as this game goes, I'm stumped.

And this brings us to Tribal Council. We begin with Calgon and how she feels finally wearing an Immunity necklace. Obviously, she feels grand about it. She can finally breathe without crying and the demon juices within have been satiated for the time being.


Next we turn to Theddie. Delightfully unaware Theddie. He's a hard guy not to like, but he's an even harder guy to root for. Week in and week out, he thinks he's on his way to that frat house we call Ponderosa. Yet, week in and week out, the guy goes nowhere. With some good-natured ribbing from Dimples, Theddie shrugs his shoulders and wonders again if this will be the day to he'll finally be sent packing.


And now it is time to discuss those loved ones and Mowgli's selfless act of generosity. Calgon quickly points out that such an act could definitely buy Mowgli good favor from her peers while Freebush quite simply calls Mowgli a "saint". But when Cochran chimed in saying that voting out Theddie is the easy vote, but not necessarily the smartest, we knew. I knew, you knew, everyone knew! There is no mystery with this vote. Get cozy for at least another night Theddie because Mowgli is the 15th person voted out of Survivor Caramoan.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Did Mowgli make the right decision giving up her Reward? Was Calgon heartless to vote out the girl who saved her teeth? Who do you think will win Survivor Carmoan? More importantly, will Golden Boy wear his hair down at the Reunion? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! I'll see you back here on Monday for my final assault on the season.

And if you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, please click on my PayPal button and show a hardworking bitch some love.












53 comments:

  1. Scene I would love to see at final tribal...

    Brenda to Dawn - give me one big smile into the camera WITHOUT your hidden immunity teeth and I will 100% give you my vote.

    Jeff

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    1. Ok how did you know that this would actually happen????

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    2. Just a hunch - I had no inside information.

      Jeff

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    3. Jeff, are you actually Brenda's babby daddy?

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  2. I dreaded having to watch this week's episode, because it is always the one I hate the most, the "loved ones" episode. You know that the producers coach these people up to act the way they do, right? They have been on the island what, 34 days? You would think they were Tom Hanks in Castaway, gone so long they were declared legally dead only to discover years later they they were still alive. Sack up you pussies! And Freebush's reaction was absolutely pathetic. You would think they told her that her entire family had been massacred. I would have voted her off just for that.

    Now, the reward... It surprises me that anyone would try to score points with the rest of the tribe by giving up the reward. It never works out. Mascaroni did it last week, buying the tribe rice & beans, and look what happened to her. Buh-Bye. I knew as soon as she let the rest of the tribe have their two loved ones BBQ that she was out. Sadly, it looks like either way Mowgli was going home because of the secret alliance that Calgon, Freebush, and Cockburn had made. Sadly for Mowgli, she learned that being honest in Survivor gets you sent packing. I can't remember a season where the "honest" person was awarded the title of Sole Survivor.

    I had a feeling that Cockburn and Calgon would pull that move this week. In fact, I predicted it last week, that they would form an alliance of three with Freebush, since there is no way anyone would vote for her. So now, the only way for it not to be Calgon, Freebush, and Cockburn in the final three would be for either Theddie or the Ice Cream Man to win the final immunity challenge. I think that if they can do that, they will win against Cockburn or Calgon. I am going to go on record right here and now and say there is absolutely ZERO chance that Freebush wins anything.

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    1. It's always so funny to see "pussies" in print. I guess it's because we don't see it often enough!

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  3. One more thing... How does Theddie's mom know he lost 22 pounds? That seems very strange that she would say 22, exactly. I could buy 20 pounds, or 25 pounds... a round number, but 22 just seems very odd. Was her segment filmed after he was voted off and they coached her as to what they wanted her to say? Am I the only one who thinks this was weird?

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  4. You're right, Lala: winch is correct but "cranked his wench" is MUCH funnier. Doesn't Dimples usually crank his wenches back in his tent? By the dozen? Gorgeous, native wenches who pre-chew his food and hold the mouthpiece of his hookah for him? There should be a challenge like this one every season just so you can describe, in erotic detail, just HOW he cranked his wench this time.

    I was sad to see Brenda go, actually. She was a good competitor, a good athlete, and a pretty decent person. Maybe not a great television personality, but I wouldn't have minded seeing her win now that our beautiful boy has been robbed. Again. The idea of any of the others winning is very depressing, though I suppose Cochran has played a very good strategic game (yawn). But if Calgon wins, I may have to shoot myself (and Anonymous #1, above, I think that's a brilliant idea).

    Great blog, as usual, with yet another masterful opening paragraph. And, as a bonus, some profound truth about the inner demon. Witty and wise, you are. And I showed you some love, bitch. You deserve it more than usual after this very strange season.

    Love,

    A.T.

    P.S. What is up with Rusted Root remaking Oliver Stone's "The Doors"?

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  5. Brenda was screwed . She gave ,and got nada in return . Please future survivors don't ever give up your reward ,because it counts for nothing . Plus she could of won immunity ,if she had of only been thinking of her own end game . I hope she wins player of the season .

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  6. Cochran's Mom is what we in NorCal call the classic Berkeley woman. There are droves and droves of them out here. Your description of her was dead on. If Theddie makes it into the finals, he's got at least three votes--The Dame, Golden Boy and Mascaroni--so Cochran or whoever else is in there better hope he doesn't win immunity. Otherwise, ya gotta like that little nerd's chances...really, he is the only strong player left...

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  7. You do realize they just voted off four beautiful and strong players the last four tribals? The producers are like "Doh!!". Not to mention the Unbearable Lightness of Boring left for Sunday's finale. It's as if the survivors on Gilligan's Island had ganged up and sent Ginger and Marianne off on a raft never to return again. How many teenage boys would have missed out on the joy and memories of their first autoerotic experience to Ginger or Marianne? Images of Mrs. Partridge and Mrs. Brady would have had to make-do for TV erotica from those pre-internet porn days of yore.

    Sorry for my middle age digression. Now back to the show.

    Brenda/Mowgli kind of lost her compass out there. She should have saw how this game was transpiring this season. Excel at anything, your social game, challenges, strategizing, your fabulous blonde hair and you have a date with the Cartwrights. (For all you post boomers, that is a Ponderosa reference that now makes four classic TV re-run references in this post.) They did not blink an eye to send Mascaroni packing and she took it all in good sport. Why would you think you were so special that they would never send you packing? Four words people who play Survivor now and forever....PLAY THE FUCKING GAME! Theddie was not the threat at the moment. Cochran realized the game was between him and Mowgli and dispatched her as fast as you can say "Michael Corleone." Mowgli did not realize that was the smart move. Mowgli should have shaped up the situation and realized she had three votes out there to go after Cochran.

    I hate to say this, but I will be disappointed if they don't go after Cochran next. He might be the only one left with a storyline and any real game playing, but if the tribe is going to destroy anyone with any game this season stay consistent and smart. Sure it will leave us with the most undeserving finalists ever, but it is what it is. I wonder where Survivor goes after this season. Perhaps back to an all newbie season. The returning players are way too cunning for the show's own good.

    Miss Lala, love the clip of Rusted Root.

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  8. Honestly Calfon has worn my last nerve with the constant crying and justifications for terrible behavior. Honestly betraying Brenda when ONLY Brenda came to her aid to find her teeth and who chose her to go on reward...only to be tricked by producers and given a no win situation...was reprehensible. Calgon deserves nothing if she makes it to end but a towel to cry in

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  9. "It makes me wanna spit."

    I would too if I had just spent weeks out there blowing Cochran and all for nought.

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  10. Mowgli should have kept the reward. That is extremely clear to me. Nobody rewards that shit in survivor.

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  11. As usual great recap Lala. How you do it every week is a mystery.

    Just for the record I think Cochran and Dawn arrived on that beach aligned. I picked it up on the first or second episode. Those two had obviously called one another and agreed to not only align but to keep their two person alliance secret all the way to the end, Tina and Colby style. Most of their one on one talks are held In the forest away from everyone else. I think Andrea and Phillip had the same deal going but of course Phillip wasn't able to keep it on the down low for more than a
    few days.

    On a different note- Dawn reminds me if that girl from the Seinfeld episode who would cry at the drop of a hat. Dropped her hotdog, she cried. Shoelaces undone, she cried. But when her grandma dies, she barely flinched. Dawn is the same- bad nights sleep, she cries. Feeling a bit hungry- she cries. Yet when she votes out Brenda, who was always super kind to her, she barely flinches. Weird.

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    1. I know that Seinfeld episode! Genius.

      And yes, I think they were aligned beforehand too.

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    1. Off the show, she's good people. Great sense of humor and she can laugh at herself. Freebush, on the other hand, is an uptight twat.

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    2. I thought the same thing about Dawn. By the end of the last episode, I seriously just wanted to punch her in the face! Yet I liked her in her last season and pulled for her. Now, just a fist in the face.

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  13. Wonderful recap, Lala. But, then again, what else is new?

    I get grief mostly all the time but especially on Wednesdays and Thursdays (and I guess this week, it will be Sunday and Monday as well) from my family for how "into" survivor I am, and how I apparently need to be as "passionate" about my school and sorority and whatnot. Regardless, I love your blog and survivor and everything about it.
    We all (my parents, siblings, and I) just had a very heated discussion about who is going to win. I have bets with two siblings on Cochran, one insists on Theddie and the other on Erik. Let's be real though, if anyone other than Cochran wins, this season will be yet another disappointment. As of late, he's the only contestant left who's at least trying to play the game. But I digress. Is there any way he won't win? I think no matter who he's up against he has it locked, the key for him will be getting through the penultimate vote.
    I think (and mostly I hope-- wishful thinking?) the current jury respects the game too much to give the million (46 cents to Jeff Kent) to someone who didn't play the game, namely everyone left on the island, but especially Theddie. Even though his bros are on the jury, I honestly doubt they'd vote for him as he's done absolutely nothing but roast marshmallows, make hemp bracelets, and try to make a love connection. In short, my money's on Cochran, bitches. I can think of no scenario if he makes it to the final that he doesn't win.

    Regarding the reward, if I were in Mowgli's shoes I have to think I'd do the same thing she did, though I'm not about to say that was the right move. Cochran would have gunned for her regardless, she may as well have appeased Calgon while she had the chance (we all know Calgon won the immunity challenge fair and square with no help from Mowgli...).

    I'm hoping for a boring finale, because if the "underdog" Cochran doesn't win, it'll just be a bummer; I'd appreciate boring over bummer on Sunday.
    Really all we can hope for is a nice favor from Dear Old Golden Boy and his lovely locks.

    ps. I was crying at your description of Dimples cranking his wench. Pure gold.
    pps. Anonymous 1 knows what he is talking about; I would die. Would Calgon go for it or is her personal appearance worth more than the million (the year-old leftover peanuts found in the couch cushions, if you're Jeff Kent)?

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    1. One million dollars for your Jeff Kent jokes. In other words, a tin can and some pocket lint.

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  14. We found out that Mowgli's father was the one responsible for her being so boring this year by telling her to play "humble". Funny that she voted out Dame Reynold for not being humble enough.

    After the first week, a friend turned me on to a "rumor" of the final three. So far it looks like it is right on. I'd like to see them not finish the show so far ahead of it airing. Basically this season has been in the can since last fall hasn't it? That's kind of a long time to hold in who are the finalists. they should finish the game only a couple of weeks ahead of airing the final. I think it would keep information from getting out.

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    1. Mowgli played a repeat of Nicaragua. She didn't ever really discover how alliance politics works and was booted, largely by her own alliance. At least daddy's advice spared us the endless confessionals about being in control of the game.

      Last week I suggested Mowgli was actually playing Survivor and would therefore be booted very soon. Like many players this season, Mowgli really was booted for being physically competent. If I were Erik, I would try really, really hard to wear a necklace to next tribal council.

      There has been a lot of outlasting but not a whole lot of outwitting or outplaying.

      PS I am not alleging that Erik is playing Survivor. I have no idea what he is doing out there.

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  15. Dear ​wench,

    Hmm. Your penultimate blog last season was thrillingly erotic, and now this seasons' penultimate blog has you pulling out all the stops​ as well​! A cynic ​might say the extra effort expended is due to the proximity of payday, but I'm no cynic, so I'll simply say this: it is inexplicable to me tha​t​ a blog without ​t​he ​D​ame could be the be​s​t of the season, yet ​t​hat is the conclusion I have reached. This week​'​s blog is the most effective (scratc​h​ that) affective blog so far. Hard work indeed.

    ​I think this season has been terrific. The location photography has been breathtaking, the challenges exciting, the contestants interesting, the gameplay rampant, and the comedy frequent. Those are the elements that explain why Survivor is the only reality TV show I have ever watched, in addition to the element that intrigued me in the first place: the "social experiment" aspect of the game.

    I've always regarded ​the wide variety of personality types who have won Survivor as testimony to the validity of the argument that Survivor is partly a microcosm of society. With that in mind, I'm always keen to see new types added to the pantheon of winners. Cochran is the personification of the physically weak, bookish, game-playing intellectual that many theorised could never be a sole Survivor. If he wins, it will be an addition to the pantheon.

    ​Thank you for producing blogs that have​ proved ​fantastic ​companions ​to yet another season. And ​thank you for ​enduring my ​​drivel ​with equanimity. Don't worry bitch, I'm fully aware two thankyous plus a five dollar bill will buy exactly $5 worth of glitter - I've dispatched coin of the realm ​to accompany them.

    I'm ​also ​fully aware ​​that etiquette ​prescribes as extremely rude a debtor ​suggesting to a debtee ​how coin paid to settle a debt​ is spent​. Regardless, ​it would please me if you spent ​that coin on glittery things, like cocktails, rather than non-glittery things, like non-alcoholic cocktails. ​​

    OK, one last thing before I leave you the hell alone: ​earlier this year I became thoroughly fed up with the backstabbing and politics of the Babysitters Club​, so I quit, and joined the gentlemanly fellows of the Soothsayers ​​​Club. Every Thursday evening we get together over coffee and cake, and ​​discuss prophecies and visions​ and such. Well, last Thursday​, one of my fellow soothsayers had a vision of a ​​headline in the LA Times​:

    "Bitchy Big Brother blog​ger​​ ​blindsided by ​bus bound for​ Beverly Hills!"

    ​​I'm still a novice at interpreting visions, but that headline​ seemed like ​a ​pretty straightforward portent of doom​ to me​. So ​make sure you ​look out for buses ​if you​ happen to cross​ ​​a ​street in California​ anytime soon! I quite enjoy the output of your brain, and would prefer it ​​remained intact so you can ​continue ​blog​ging about Survivor, rather than splattered all over the asphalt of Sunset Boulevard, baking in the hot California sun like so much goo.

    Or perhaps you're one of those dull people, who don't believe in visions, or prophecies, or portents of doom, but are only too happy to believe in clichés. In that case: have a safe and happy Summer.

    ...but let ye be warned, traveller - there is more in Heaven and Earth than is dreamt of in your philosophy! *thunder rumbles in the distance*

    Fare thee well, blogger!

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  16. I was breaking down in tears after finding your blog. YOu are hilarious!!!

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  17. I found the cutaway just prior to the reward challenge of Mowgli's dad teaching Theddie to paint the fence to be odd and very much out of place.

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  18. Poodles are pretty intelligent dogs. I assume this was the attribute that led you to identify Theddie as one? In next weeks episode will you be commemorating Freebush's determination, strength and stamina by describing her as a St Bernard?

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    Replies
    1. Actually, Erik is the shaggy poodle. He never stood out enough to merit a nickname so instead I equate him to a poodle with unruly hair.

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  19. First, Freebush had a Philip and his name was Shamar.

    Then, Freebush had a Philip and his name was Philip.

    Now, Everyone has a Philip and her name is Freebush.

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  20. El Presidente of the Lala fanclubMay 10, 2013 at 5:43 AM

    Dearest Lala,

    I have fallen into a sucky season of Survivor and can't get out. Even your most excellent blogs have not been able to save me.

    By night I am your humble fan club leader ala El Presidente (Humble in the way of Raymond and not just whimpering Dimples). By day I work with people such as Brandon, Shamar and our beloved hormonally imbalanced Calgon. You see Dear Lala, I have been stricken with a paycheck also lost in the mail. CBS producers cast this season in such a way that my daytime job is being depicted and I am not receiving compensation. I realized that for the first time in MY Survivor history, I did not care that it was Wednesday night at 8.

    Cochran's stone throne did not entice me to tune in. Golden Boy's hair could not glisten me out of my melancholy. Even the Dame did not raise my downcast eyes to the screen...

    Your glorious blog alerted me to the blindsides so all is not lost. I am on a constant gin drip and am hoping to fully recover in time for Sunday. My only wish is that Cochran wins, providing him another tool to help him attract the ladies in case he can't find putrid foodstuff nearby.

    Alas my dearest Lala, I desire a more glitter worthy season next time. Blindsides be damned; this cycle has been bland. May this not be a sign of seasons to come.

    Thank you for your terrific tomes. They helped the season pass. Will send the bitch some love soon.

    Ps. I look forward to not witnessing Calgon's tears. Is it a coincidence the great Salt Lake is in Mormon country? I think not.

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  21. Calgon is so full of bullshit that I hope not only that she doesn't win but also that she is never ever heard from again. People have shown her compassion and she has stabbed them all in the back. Fuck that miserable, crying two-faced bitch. Mowgli should have gotten a one-week stay of execution just out of principle. But I suppose being a decent human doesn't win Survivor. Cochran is playing a solid game.

    Last, if I was Mowgli I would have taken Calgon to the food, eaten and gotten strong for the impending challenge. She could have blamed it all on Calgon (she NEEDS this!) It probably would have helped in the challenge (for Calgon too, maybe) but they didn't know what the challenge would be. And maybe Calgon would have shown a little more faith.

    Cochran should win, no one else really deserves it that's left. Freebush is a pathetic leach, Erik never does anything, and Theddie is just hopeless. And Calgon deserves a good torturing. I hope she gets nailed by the jury and breaks down into a mess of tears.

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    1. Puhlease...soon as one of the jurors starts to grill Calgon, the tears will start gushing. The grilling will then quickly stop and every other juror will hence lay off of her. She'll cry away a chance at a $1 million because there won't be one lick of sympathy for her theatrics. Perhaps only Brenda will kick her in the teeth at the final.

      I have yet to develop much disdain for Freebush, but I have no positive feelings either. She is one of a long list of players over the years who have confused a certain 3rd, 4th or 5th place finish as being in control. I would have respect for her if she somehow took charge and engineered Cochran's departure. She still probably wouldn't win, but what if she was surrounded by Calgon and Erik at the final? I guess if Miss Lala says she's a twat she's a twat. I just think she has been playing the hand she's been dealt with as the Fans were up against the wall from the get-go.

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    2. You can't condemn Calgon and approve Cochran at the sometime. They have been joined at the hip since Day 1 and each and every Calgon backstab has been eagerly aided and abetted (and sometimes initiated) by Cochran. They are co-conpirators and if one is indictable so is the other other.

      The show really needs to cut back on the automatic provision of food and shelter. Have a look sometime at Borneo or Australia or Africa. One reason the social game has become utterly dominant is that the likes of Calgon and Cochran would have been starved out in the game as it was originally played.

      Delete
    3. I disagree the fans were up against the wall. What happened was they lined up, took out guns and shot themselves by adopting a strategy of evicting anyone who could contribute to winning a challenge.

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    4. Alan, the Fans initially voted off three young blonde girls. Shamar was never voted off. Reynold feared they would gut the strong, but that actually never came to be.

      Winning challenges is a part of the game, but being on a strong tribe is a matter of luck. Freebush has proved to be useless at challenges, but I don't think Calgon and Cochran were big team contributors.

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  22. Just saw about 5 mins. ago a "goodbye" message from Calgon on Twitter. from the tone I can only guess that she is being harangued by jerks for voting off Mowgli. I'm not wild about how she's playing, and find the constant crying at the drop of a hat annoying, but seriously people, it's just a game.

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    1. It's been pretty vicious on Twitter. I even got pulled into it because I sent out a tweet that even though I pick on Calgon, she really is a great sport. Before the teeth episode, she DM'd me and told I had permission to completely fillet her. LOL! She gets the humor of it all and I think it's great. But last night, my god, the things people were sending her (and me for defending her!). It was incessant and violent and incredibly rude. It's a TV show! We all have people we don't like, but there's no need to attack them over and over and over and over again to their faces. It was pretty mind blowing. And from grown men too. Men with families. Unreal.

      Delete
    2. DM? Deep and meaningful? Dawn Meehan? Dangerous mormon?

      I am unfamiliar with your twitter acronyms. Doesn't matter.

      I like Dawn. She's had a huge influence on the season. The tug of war between her nature and the requirements of the game has been fascinating. That's the central drama of the game - where does a person draw the line?

      Dawn is a genuine person; choosing between Cochran and Brenda must have torn her up inside. That is drama, and it is compelling. Brian Heidik would not have thought twice about backstabbing Brenda. That is not dramatic. Emotionless people make great survivor players, but boring TV.

      The fact that she told you to "go ahead and fillet her" might just make her the coolest player ever (sorry Malcolm. Sorry Abi). I still want Cochran to win, but if it's Dawn, I won't mind.

      If it's Eddie or Erik, I will scrape my forehead across brickwork.

      Delete
    3. I'm pretty sure that DM = Direct Mailed (i.e. privately mailed)

      Delete
    4. I'm familiar with PM'd - I should have figured it out. Thanks for replying Anon.

      Delete
  23. Calcon, Calgon, queen of liars incarnate. Her daggers have her 'friend's' names on them. On the island, she slept well as she dreamed how nice it would be stab someone, someone to whom she was dear, in the stomach. After many wonderful nights of dreaming about it, she finally decided it would be even nicer to just stab them in the back. In past lives, her job was to separate crying babies from their screaming mothers, then feed their tender little bodies to the mouths of lions. Tears don't bother her, at all. She enjoyed the work because she has no feeling - doesn't really even know what means, really. And she likes secrets. If you won't tell her your secret, she'll cut out your tongue and give it to your worst enemy in exchange for a blessing. Calgon, Calgon, so proud to wake up every morning and start a fresh, new day, admired and adored by everyone. Way to play the game.

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  24. There doesn't seem to be any effort made anymore to fish, hunt or forage. I kind of liked it when Ozzie was the fisher king. Now I see large birds and I think if they are so hungry and bored, why doesn't someone fashion a snare or go fishing? As many have complained, the survivors just seem to sit and wait for some big food reward to gorge. Have the producers deemphasized this aspect of playing for some reason?

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  25. Rochelle RochelleMay 10, 2013 at 11:26 PM

    I can't believe people are being so mean to Dawn. She voted out a competitor, which is the basis of the game isn't it? I'm sure the same people who were awful to her on twitter would have said she was stupid for not voting out Brenda. I'm indifferent to Dawn usually (my comparison to the girl from the Seinfeld In my earlier message was an observation not a criticism), but I'm really happy you defended her Miss Lala although that must have been difficult considering how nasty people can be. You're a brave chick for putting yourself out there when you didn't have to.

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    1. Calgonistas have 3 problems, Corinne, Brenda and Dawn's expression when Brenda was booted.

      Corinne and Brenda thought they had personal relationships of trust and friendship with Dawn. They no longer speak with her and both are on record saying they don't see themselves ever speaking with Dawn again.

      Survivor is what it is and people don't like betrayal. That goes without saying.

      Have another look at Dawn's expression when Brenda is evicted. Cochran looks like he's been caught with his hand in a cookie jar. Dawn, who weeps when the wind blows the wrong way, looks not only relaxed but satisfied. Dawn's tears would seem to be only for herself.

      Survivor is about knifing people. It should not be about relying on people for emotional support so you can knife them. Dawn is every bit as Luciferesque as Russel, she just cries a lot to try and wash herself clean.

      The bullying of Dawn on twitter is an outrage. That does not make Dawn a good player or make Survivor into 'Outweep, Outcry, Outlast'. I would think Dawn has now Russelled herself and has zero prospects of more than 1 or 2 jury votes.

      I have no idea what Dawn is like outside Survivor although our gracious hostess tells us she's good people and Miss Lala's judgement is always to be trusted. Good people can do bad things and should accept responsibility for what they do. I don't think the outcry against Dawn is sexist. Had Russell devoted all his confessionals to telling us he was a nice guy he would have got the same treatment.

      I'm not quite predicting this, but I am wondering if Dawn will attempt to blindside Cochran, because she can. There is a real danger of the final 3 being Calgon, Theddie and Freebush. If that happens I don't at all envy the jury choosing between the blond, the bland and the blind.

      Delete
    2. Hi Alan,

      I'm compelled to defend Dawn. I don't know why.

      Survivor's editors play with continuity constantly. It doesn't change who did what to whom on the island, it just manipulates audience perception to provide heightened drama, like a play based on a historical event. Survivor is not a documentary, after all. It is a highly edited entertainment. Upon listening to exit interviews with players, a truer picture emerges.

      The facial reactions we see at tribal council should be treated with scepticism. Tribal council lasts for 1-2 hours, of which we see 10 minutes. The editors choose reaction shots in order to best serve each player's chosen storyline, and anyone who's ever been in a photo knows a given shot of a face at a given instant can look like it's crying, or laughing. This season, the two most prominent storylines post Brandon have been 'Darth Sheppard vs Luke Goldenhair', and 'A New Dawn: Rise of the Betrayer!'. For the latter story to have maximum impact, it was necessary to paint Brenda as a victim, and Dawn as 'Et tu Dawn'. In hindsight, it makes perfect sense that we barely saw Brenda's confessionals - for all we know she was talking smack like the Brenda of old to the camera, but the editors clearly felt the 'New Dawn' storyline was more interesting than any storyline Brenda's confessionals might have contributed to, so duly sacrificed her edit to serve it.

      No doubt Dawn and Cochran had a pre-game alliance. It is a common arrangement amongst returning players. Nothing is thicker than shared experience on Survivor, and they are veterans of the same campaign. Dawn has simply played the way she has decided is safest, which is to be completely, absolutely 100% loyal to her primary ally, no matter how grateful she might be to someone due to their assistance in an unforeseen circumstance (Brenda) or their provision of emotional support (Corinne).

      Brenda and Corinne vowing never to speak to Dawn again speaks very little to who Dawn is. Survivor history is littered with instances of betrayed players who are on record as saying they have no problem with their betrayer, they just don't want to speak to them again. Ever had a girlfriend you loved, and wish nothing but the best for, but who you never want to speak to again? Sometimes an incident lies too heavily between two people to allow resumption of normal diplomatic relations, no matter what you think of them as a person.

      Dawn was not the instigator of Brenda's assassination; it was Cochran whose keen game instincts demanded jury threat Brenda be knifed - Dawn's loyalty resulted in her acquiescence, if her game savvy didn't first. Cassius was the instigator of Caesar's assassination, but no-one sent him vitriolic tweets from the comfort of their sofa. We all remember Brutus' decision to take to the dancefloor at the stabbing party though, because he genuinely admired Caesar. No, it's Dawn on the receiving end of plebeian vitriol, because unlike Cochran, she struggles with disingenuousness - and she is too damn sensitive to keep her emotions out of the game.

      I heard some of the most self-righteous tweets came from the one group of people who ought to know that acting in one's self interest on Survivor should never attract censure: ex-Survivor players. I concede that Brenda is cute though. So sad when fluffy things die, right kids?

      Alan, don't read my comment as criticism of yours, it isn't. I'm just using your comment as a jumping off point for my own. Lala's comment section is the most civil and well informed forum for discussion of Survivor I have encountered. Her blogs are OK too. Although, if anyone out there knows of a better forum, do write in and let me know - nothing would give me greater pleasure than cheating on Lala's comment section with a sexier model in some sordid internet motel.

      OK, to you, to our gracious hostess, and to everyone else who has contributed here, all the best until Season 27!

      Delete
    3. M- who the heck are you? I only discovered this blog a few weeks ago and must say it is comforting to know there are thinking, informed, funny people who have no worries about obsessing over this show. Phew! I'm so relieved! Thank you ms lala for the entertainment (thinking about reading all your old posts whenever my spirits need a lift) and thank you m for the astute commentary. You two should team up. I'd read every word you ever write. E

      Delete
    4. Team up with Lala?! Surely you jest. Do you not see who stands before you? Do you not appreciate my attire? I am landed gentry. A squire. A man of leisure. I do not work. And blogging is work, of that there is no doubt. Do you have any idea how much time and effort goes into producing a weekly blog like this? One must roll up one’s sleeve! One must draw from the lowest depths of one’s muse! And for what in return? Bloggers slave for a pittance, for scraps of flattery from strangers. A blogger’s life is a hard one; it is certainly not a life for the highborn, such as I.

      I remember I once had a blogger in my employ. A charming and lovely young woman. At least, she was in the beginning. But the endless requirement to produce blog after blog after blog drove her to madness. She became an ugly and beaten harridan. Twisted, gnarled and bitter. The villagers took to calling her a witch. ‘There goes the Witch of Glitter' they whispered as she passed, afeard she would curse them were they overheard. Her once bountiful muse became exhausted - as dry and unresponsive as the sluice of a frigid Victorian schoolmistress. ‘Twas very sad indeed.

      Naturally, I sacked her. Last I heard, she was off to begin blogging at a mine in the Borinage owned by some Grodner person. A hardscrabble life of incessant filth and gloom, no doubt.


      Delete
  26. We haven't heard from Freebush in a while, but as I recall she does know what's going on. I think she might hook up with thed and erik next week and send dawn or cochran home. Unless she's too skinny to think straight anymore.

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  27. Has the prospect of a final two been considered? I'm really feeling like it could be final two rather than three. Do we think this is a possibility?

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  28. Everyone is criticizing Dawn for being so emotional. They did the same thing about Amanda. I am a very emotional person too and I cry about anything and everything that I can relate to. Especially when your body and mind is starved and deprived.

    I remember everyone bitching about Amanda crying every time she had to vote someone off cuz she had become close to them and now had to make a decision about betraying people that she considered her friends now or trying to win a million dollars.

    Dawn is very emotional but remember her body and mind is starved. Maybe she was unemotional at tribal after voting off Brenda cuz she was relieved that it was over. I'm pretty sure she has probably talked to the camera and cried about what a difficult decision it was, they just haven't showed it.

    That display from Freebush was just sickening. I would be blubbering like an idiot too (and I was during the show)if my loved one was there, but to be on the ground was just pathetic and uncalled for. I like the reference about Freebush reconnecting her umbilical cord to her son. I almost peed my pants.

    That line about Dimples putting Ben Gay in his eyes so he would cry is making me laugh so hard right now that I am crying as I type. Also Cochran describing his dad grilling was pretty hilarious.

    Am excited to see who finally wins Sun. but also am sad to see the season end. Oh well Big Brother starts in a couple of weeks so we have that to look forward too and of course your awesome BB bitchy blog.

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  29. OMG - he just said your name.

    Jeff

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  30. Big question of this whole episode for me, and I'm surprised that nobody has questioned it: Erik and his brother were leading the reward challenge for basically the entire time, they hooked their first bolo and then they did not show them again for the entire remainder of the challenge!!!! What the hell happened? I kept thinking Dimples would say something like "come on guys, pick it up!" but there was nothing. It was totally bizarre, like Mowgli and her dad came out of nowhere, but they said nothing about who they were trying to beat!

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  31. Agreed with Alan - Cochran has had his hands buried in the blindsides so deep that he is "literally" swimming in blood up to his nose. Yet, for all that, his social game, the one that he plays while bearing little responsibility for outing people, continues to allow him to come out with the appearance of being fairly squeaky clean. That said, this season has mostly lacked in brilliance (except for a rare gem), and how you get to the finish is as important as getting there.

    (And, Yes, I'd like to see more starvation in future seasons - a calorie deficit really brings out the worst in people! But wet and cold? NEVER! Even the greatest players must find it difficult to create a plan when shivering.)

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