Thursday, May 2, 2013

What?!



And once again the curtain drops. This is not the black curtain of my depression. Rather, it is the scarlet curtain of a performance that has reached its end. It is closing night and the tattered playbills are littering the sidewalk. Pages waving au revoir in the breeze. The theatre once alive with the roar of an audience stamping and clapping in approval now sits in silence. No more are there rosy powdered reflections in the mirrors. No more pins and corsets and tape and hose. The dressing rooms grow dank with neglect. Threadbare crinolines sag limply. And in the playhouse, where art imitates life, a property blade is all that remains. A grim reminder of how every action, whether good or bad, has a reaction. "Drop a handkerchief and it will return to smother you," John Wilmot insists. As a thick layer of dust begins to form on the stage, the chairs have no choice but to hug themselves in depressed loneliness. Like you and I, they sit and wait for an encore. But if you stop for a moment and listen, if you reach back into the dark recesses of your mind, you can almost hear the applause… the clicking of heels across the floorboards, skirts sashaying stage left to right, roses plopping one after the other into a fragrant pile. Hold onto those memories, my friends... I remember the time I knew what happiness was. Let the memory live again. Let's recap, shall we?


Our hopeless opus continues under a starry sky. Had they a choice, the stars would have dimmed out of respect for everything we have lost. They would pull down the shades and shame their luminescence into hiding. But, like us, they have no choice. And so together we must dust ourselves off, dry our tears and trudge on. It is under this starry sky that the tarsier spits and farts in the faces of the returning Edamame (Enil Edam). You heathens choose to congratulate yourselves? Pffft! Loogie incoming. You pat one another on the back in celebration? A toot up your noses and a pox on your families! And it is here that Dame Reynold rises to make an announcement...

Oh, that this too, too sullied flesh would melt,
That, and resolve itself into a dew,
Or that the Everlasting had not fixed
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God, God!
How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
I have no choice but to carry onward,
To win immunity five times over!

Too right, Dame. Since you cannot take your own life, you have no other option but to succeed. To win! Prosper! To kick sand in the faces of those who have sent the Golden Boy (Malcolm) to the Poop Water Lagoon. 

Upon hearing these optimistic and determined words from Dame Reynold, Mascaroni (Andrea) simultaneously stifles both her giggles and her panic. She giggles because the Fans are hopelessly outnumbered, but she panics because week in and week out her MeMeMe disease rages and festers. What began as mere hallucinations are beginning to take hold and putrefy. Those wistful "Me Me Me's" whispered over the past 288 weeks have finally come to fruition. They've latched onto both her flesh and her circulatory system. The stench of rot and plague follows her everywhere now. Even young Cochran has noticed it. He's noticed it and, quite frankly, he doesn't care for it. Instead of letting the tribe leper call the shots, he'll call the shots from now on. He'll grab the game by the short and curlies and give it a good jitter.


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge, you will balance on a triangular platform in the water with your bare feet perched on narrow footholds. At regular intervals you will move your feet higher up the platform. The last person standing not only wins Immunity, but a Reward in the form of information. Survivors ready, go!


With the wind blowing all around them (note: the wind was me frantically doing the dance of the seven veils in the direction of everyone not named Dame Reynold), the Survivors stand on the widest perch as the challenge begins. But how boring would a challenge like this be without a sassy seducer tempting the starving innocents with tray after tray of tantalizing treats? And that is exactly what Dimples does. Not 30 seconds into the Challenge, he emerges from behind his podium to reveal a plate of donuts and an ice cold glass of milk. Immediately, Erik mumbles, "I want that." Not so fast patchouli breath. Theddie (Eddie) also wouldn't mind getting a little frosting stuck in his neck beard. 


(Little Darlings, 1980)

At home I wanted to be surprised by Theddie's willingness to give up so early in the Challenge, but let's face it. Theddie doesn't even realize where he is let alone that there is a distinct possibility Dame Reynold could win Immunity thus making Theddie the next target. For all Theddie knows, he's away at Camp Tomahawk for the summer. Yesterday he made lanyards, today he'll eat donuts and tomorrow he'll try, yet again, to get Kristy McNichol to give him her virginity. Survivor is a carefree coming of age romp for the lad where he'll get to roast some marshmallows, meet some new buddies and maybe, at the end of it all, go home with a million dollars in his pocket. And so, without a care in the world, both Erik and Theddie dive off their perches for some donuts.

Some time passes and the Survivors must move their feet up to the next perch. Again, Dimples runs to his podium for yet another platter to tempt them with. This time it is hot dogs and a soft drink. Pasty and slumped, Cochran looks to his fellow alliance members and asks, "I'm going to take this, ok?" Mascaroni sneers as Calgon (Dawn) shakes her head in disapproval. Cochran whines, "My thighs are killing me." His entire alliance then turns their back on the lad as he stumbles face first into the water. Even Dimples is disappointed as he puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head. So much for being a Challenge beast, eh?


Giddy from the anger wafting off of Cochran's former friends, Dame Reynold beams and begins to taunt the others. With a point and a karate chop, he teases Calgon with dance moves from Rock Of Ages. Not the Tom Cruise vehicle Rock Of Ages, but the Constantine Maroulis Broadway Rock Of Ages. An unsullied Rock Of Ages, if you will. The problem is that dance moves from the 80's require a lot of hip gyrations and pelvic thrusts that aren't exactly conducive to standing on a shaky perch in the middle of the ocean. Lucky for the Dame, he, like Gene Kelly, has a very low center of gravity and is able to redeem himself. 


Finally, we arrive at the final tippy top perch where the gravity of plunging estrogen is simply much too much for both Freebush (Sherri) and Calgon. Splish, splash... both ladies tumble into the water leaving Dame Reynold, Mowgli (Brenda) and Mascaroni still alive. But what's this? It's Freebush and she's swimming in front of Dame Reynold's perch with wild abandon. She pauses in front of him like a spastic mermaid lurching her bosoms back and forth in hopes of toppling our dandy. Fortunately for the Dame, Freebush cheats about as well as she competes and he is able to recover and regain his composure.


But like Cats, all good shows must come to a close. All wigs must be returned to the prop master and all theatre lights must dim for the Dame was only able to hold on for so long. But what do you expect from a guy who starred in the second longest running show on Broadway? Eventually he'll lose his oomph and motivation. It happens to the best of us. 8 shows a week wearing a tail and whiskers makes one rickety and nervous, not agile and graceful. And so, with a most balletic splash (his toes were pointed!), Dame Reynold is out of the Challenge.

This leaves us with Mascaroni and Mowgli. Two Survivors unwilling to make a deal with one another. Two Survivors happy to duke it out to the very end. As it should be! Quitters in Challenges are shameful! (*ahem Theddie, Erik and Cochran*) Only, Mascaroni doesn't view Mowgli's persistance and determination as respect for the game. In fact, she sees it as a personal attack on her very being. Oh give me a break, Mascaroni. You expect Mowgli to quit for you but you won't quit for her? Such hypocrisy. The MeMeMe coursing through your veins is most unbecoming especially since after all your bitching and moaning, you won anyways. Burble. Mascaroni wins Immunity despite her penchant for bitchassness. No pictures or capital letters for you.


Back at camp, Calgon does what Calgon does best - she gushes over Mascaroni's win and then prepares the batter for a bundt cake. You'd be surprised how easily monkey droppings can mold themselves into a ring shape. The Dame, however, is preparing his eulogy. That last Challenge was a do or die situation and things are beginning to look a little grim for our Dame. Hark! Those pesky Favorites do have an alternate option though. What if they were to take this opportunity to blindside one of their own? That Jury will be stacked with a whole mess of Favorites come Judgment Day so why not use this time to take out a threat with the voters? No matter how much we can surmise or wish or hope, ye olde Dame Reynold isn't the conductor of this orchestra so he'll just have to wait patiently and hope for the best.

As it turns out, he didn't have to wait long at all. Mascaroni is still bunged up that Mowgli stayed on her perch as long as she did. To hear Mowgli tell it, she doesn't have her panties in a twist over the fact she lost, she just didn't want to lose by quitting. That's all. Mascaroni's mind, quickly turning to sludge from the MeMeMe-itis, interprets Mowgli's audacity of playing the game as a secret mission to take out Mascaroni. In Mascaroni's world, if you don't quit and give her what she wants, then you're an enemy with a Mascaroni burn book hidden under your bed. 


To make matters worse for Mascaroni, she promised to share her Reward Information with Mowgli. I'm not going to pretend to understand the logic in Mascaroni's head especially since she inexplicably also decides to share her Reward Information with every other member of her alliance as well. She says it is so she doesn't appear "suspicious" and that could very well be true. Suspicious you are not, Mascaroni. A greedy clepto, you are. When the information turns out to be a clue for the Hidden Immunity Idol, the Favorites, en masse, go hunting for it. And when that shaggy poodle unearths it and then holds it up for all to see, Mascaroni snatches it out of his hand and looks very pleased with herself. Both Cochran and myself stared in disbelief, not at Mascaroni being a sticky fingers, but at Erik not shoving it down his pants and using it for himself! It's like the guy is in a never ending game of hot potato whenever he gets his hands on an Idol. Ouch! Hot, hot, hot! Here, take this!

Feeling the power of I don't know what in her hands, Mascaroni fondles the Idol and wonders to herself if perhaps now is the perfect time for a blindside. Between blindsiding someone else or getting blindsided herself, she'd much rather it happen to someone else. And that someone else is Mowgli. She workshops the blindside scenario to both Cochran and Freebush as they all loll about lazily in the water. Freebush nods and tips over while Cochran is annoyed that people are already thinking about their individual games at this point. He would rather the alliance of 6 keep moving forward together as a single unit which makes me wonder... what final 3 alliance has he already made? I think it's obvious he has something going on with Calgon, but could his other secret alliance be with Freebush? If you think about it, back during that amazing Tribal Council when Golden Boy whipped Idol after Idol out of his pockets, why didn't the Favorites dump Freebush? Why was it such a frantic drama trying to figure out who to get rid of? Freebush brings them nothing of value, she's crap at competitions and she's not even a Favorite! Something is going on, something we're not seeing. There is a strategic subplot that has nothing to do with Dame Reynold being a threat. Or maybe I'm just so bored with this show right now that I'm making crap up to numb the pain I'm feeling from having to write this drivel.


And this brings us to Tribal Council. *dims the lights and puts on some smooth jazz* Dimples asks someone something about something, but I wasn't paying attention. My notes simply say, "HAIR DOWN." In the background, voices are doing that Charlie Brown teacher thing where all you can hear is "wah wah wah wah wah" while in the foreground a bowm chicka wow wow thumps with a merengue backbeat. 


I think I heard Theddie mutter something about trading in his pride for donutsth, but at home I was doing the Kim Basinger stripper dance from 9 1/2 Weeks which got me this reaction from Golden Boy. Look, even Phillip is happy about it. And Gay (Michael), well he's gay so of course he has to put his head down and wait for the song to end. 


As Tribal Council continues Dame Reynold offers up his services as an instrument for anyone who wants to use him. Calgon thinks about it for a second, but then turns her attention back over to the bleachers. She may be an older gal fighting off the menopause, but she's not dead yet. She knows a succulent piece of man meat when she sees it. 


Alright, let's get to the votes. As if one week of stabbing me in the heart wasn't enough, these jackasses go ahead and do it again. It is with great sadness that we bid adieu to one of the most favorite characters I've birthed from my own loins. Dame Reynold, you are the 13th person voted out of Survivor Caramoan. The show may have come to a close, but you received rave reviews. Now blow us all a kiss and take your final curtsy. 


Back at Edamame the starry skies once again have no choice, but to go on. Once again they have to listen to Mascaroni and Calgon yap yap yap about how great they're feeling right now and how close knit this tiny little group of chumps is becoming. At home I watch it all with indifference. Who am I kidding? I don't care anymore. I don't. All of my interesting characters are gone and with them, my inspiration. So when Mascaroni stands there talking about blindsiding either Mowgli or Calgon I fight off a yawn and pry my eyes open with some clamps.


Cochran, however, sits up wide awake hearing the name Calgon escape Mascaroni's lips. As we've always suspected, Calgon and Cochran are tight allies and most likely in a final two deal. Just the fact that Mascaroni is even considering her sends Cochran into damage control. With Mascaroni off somewhere polishing her Hidden Immunity Idol, Cochran scurries to Calgon and Mowgli and tells them that Mascaroni mentioned voting the both of them out. Calgon and Mowgli take one look at each other and, without a word being spoken, they know what they have to do - get rid of Mascaroni. 


And this brings us to the next Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, you will push a buoy through a series of obstacles to a post holding a key. Once you have the key, you'll unlock the chest filled with ladder pieces. The first person to build their ladder and raise their flag wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!

The Challenge begins with Erik and Mowgli off to a quick start. Freebush tries to push her buoy from one obstacle to the next, but somehow her foot got tangled in the ropes and there she stays for the rest of the Challenge whimpering for someone to come untie her. 


Erik and Mowgli maintain their lead throughout the Challenge with Mascaroni joining them as they unlock their chests. After some complications finding his first step of the ladder, Erik begins to make headway pulling ahead of both girls. No matter how quickly Mowgli begins to piece her steps, it is too late to catch up with Erik and ERIK WINS IMMUNITY!!!


Back at Edamame, Calgon once again lavishes the Immunity winner with compliments before retreating to the kitchen where she checks on her jello mold with chunks of clam inside. Mascaroni, on the other hand, has other things on her mind more important than her stomach. She yanks Calgon out of the kitchen by her apron strings and grabs Cochran by the scruff of his hair. Once she has them all to herself, she makes her case for getting rid of Mowgli tonight. A) She hasn't pissed anyone off. B) She's a fierce competitor. C) She didn't quit when Mascaroni wanted her to. Plus, Theddie will be so grateful that he's staying in the game that he'll vote however Mascaroni wants him to vote. And with a wipe of her palms and a smug satisfaction, Mascaroni is confident that tonight will play out exactly like she planned. 

Speaking of Theddie, he's just happy people are talking to him. It's been 900 days of being on the outside and not knowing what the hell is going on so it's sthuper excthiting for him when Mascaroni tells him they'll be voting out Mowgli tonight. 

Where Mascaroni screws up is when she asks Cochran what he thinks would happen if Theddie made it to the final 3. Strangely, Cochran thinks Theddie would win. I disagree most ardently, but that's not what is important here. What is important is that all of the pieces are finally coming together in regards to Mascaroni. The fact that she even mentioned taking Theddie to the finals means that it is something she has thought about. It also means that she's probably not planning on taking Cochran with her. Mascaroni's best case scenario would be taking someone like Freebush with her. If you'll remember way back in the beginning, Mascaroni's end game has always been stacking the Jury with as many people that will vote for her as possible. Well, sitting between 2 Fans at the end sounds like a sure way to stack that Jury with fellow Favorites. 

Cochran quickly tells the other Favorites how Mascaroni wants to take Theddie to the finals. As a group, they agree that she needs to go now. The only hiccup in the plan is the fact that Mascaroni has the Hidden Immunity Idol. Cochran suggests to the others that they split the votes with Theddie just in case Mascaroni decides to play the Idol. 


And then there's the matter of that curious question mark, Erik. Erik, the guy who plays with an imaginary hacky sack and waits day in and day out for someone else to tell him how to vote. And then when those two opposing sides finally do tell him how to vote, he marvels in the misconception of how he's running the entire game. I don't know, I guess it's a strategy to be completely aloof and spend your days watching the wind blow. I mean, it has gotten him this far. Still, it doesn't make him interesting and it doesn't make him someone you want to see win the game. And if there's anything that I take as a personal insult, it is boring people on reality shows... and Erik is their king.


And this brings us to another Tribal Council. *puts on something groovy and spins the disco ball* One night with The Fornicator and our once demure Dame has morphed into John Holmes. What in the sam hell is going on back at that Ponderosa? I'm picturing shag carpets, mustard colored walls, a slew of underage Filipino women, and Gay behind the camera shouting "That's purrrrrfect Phillip. Yes, Golden Boy just like that. Dame, stroke your mustache while you thrust." I knew that Dame would find a way to keep performing. I just didn't think it would be in a 70's-style orgy. I guess you take the parts you can get. 

Since Golden Boy put his hair back up I can actually focus on what's happening here at Tribal Council. We begin with Dimples noticing that Theddie is the last standing Amigo. He wonders if maybe the Favorites plan is to keep Theddie around for a little longer. Theddie nods and then does something remarkable - he quotes Cochran, "Timing isth everything in thisth game." Who knew Theddie was even paying attention? Here I thought he was planning a panty raid over at the girl's camp after the camp counselors went to sleep. Anyhow, Theddie says that if a blindside were to happen, now would be the time. Actually, people have been saying that for the past 3 weeks so maybe Theddie isn't that profound after all. Back to your s'more's Theddie.


The conversation turns to lying and, no surprises here, but everyone assumes they've been lied to in this game at one point or another. Cochran then chooses to go into detail about the lies people have possibly told him. Specifically, lies about wanting to go to the final 3 with him. At home I began to freak out a little. I thought the point was to make Mascaroni feel completely comfortable and safe so she doesn't play her Idol. But hearing Cochran talk about final 3 lies, we get the concerned look above from Mascaroni and I begin to worry. 

Alright let's get to the vote. If anyone wants to play their Hidden Immunity Idol, please don't do it now because I want your ass sent home. Mascaroni sits quietly and does nothing. At home it was my turn to sit in smug satisfaction as Mascaroni is the 14th person voted out of Survivor Caramoan. Finally! It doesn't make up for the loss of my men, but at least it's something.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Do we all have the will power to finish out the season together? Who would you like to see win the million dollars? How much do you think Gay will charge for Ponder-HO-sa? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

And, if you've enjoyed what I've done here all season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal button and show a girl some love. 



39 comments:

  1. Is it bad to say I wish they'd stick Phillip back in the game, just so I'm not bored to death? *yawn*

    I love Survivor, but I really don't care who wins, at this point. I really despise it when people who have flown under the radar end up going far in the game, or take a seat at/near the top because everyone knows no one would vote for them to win the whole thing. These guys (okay, except *maybe* Brenda) are like the Cheerios at the bottom of the bowl that are too soggy to eat.

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    1. Yes, it's bad, but I feel your pain.

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  2. The desolation of the deserted stage depicted in the opener to this one was vivd, showing all the more that the remains of this survivor day mean no more to you than a few rats scurrying over an abandoned kingdom...Bravo!

    To see our Masc drop at the final curtain while showing the Idol resting between her unglittered bosoms made for sweet revenge for the ousted and outed lieges, who were falling all over themselves with delight as it Dawned on the Masc that it was time to bid adieu...parting is such sweet sorrow....this was another entertaining Coda, and I for one, at least (and maybe at most) look forward the the next scene. This has been quite a run lately!

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  3. I guess you take the parts you can get.
    Brilliant, Lala. Thanks for the great recap.

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    1. Doesn't everyone knows the porn thespian adage?

      "There are no small male parts."

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  4. "Who knew Theddie was even paying attention? Here I thought he was planning a panty raid over at the girl's camp after the camp counselors went to sleep."
    You owe me a new keyboard, bitch. Freaking hilarious.

    Sure does seem like Freebush is an untouchable pawn. I had the exact same thought when the Three Amigos got Fillup ousted, and that was, "Why didn't they just vote out Freebush?" Whose pawn is she? Seems likely to be Cochran's and/or Calgon. But aren't Calgon and Mowgli super BFFs after finding the hidden immunity teeth together? Maybe they are a three-pack.

    Now that Mascaroni is gone, I fully expect Theddie to be kicked out of summer camp next ... unless he wins immunity. If so (and Cochran has a three-way going with Calgon and Mowgli), Erik better pull a Golden Boy and go find the HII. Otherwise he'll be shrugging his shoulders all the way to Ponderosa.

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  5. If this Survivor season is a microcosm of real survivors when things get tough in the future, then our descendants are in real trouble. Take a look at the remaining six, can't feed themselves, can't do challenges for the most part, and several are emotional wrecks; and on top of it all, they think they are the real thing with all of the euphoria when they vote out another strong player, I still remember when they were killing wild pigs in Season 2. For those that say this is just a game, remember life imitates art and vice versa, only when things get real tough do the Generals come out and take care of business, the producers make sure that does not happen to be able to show the "soft, emotional" side of the some of the cast, Colette is sick of it, I am sick of it, this will be the umpteenth boring finish with someone winning by default and producer manipulation. Get ready to cry during the next episode, based on the previews, it looks like another tear-jerker in the continuing saga now known as the "Cochran Show".

    Colette, I don't know how you are doing it, the season is going downhill fast, but your blog is getting better each week, excellente!

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    1. Yeah, no shit...remember Tina picking her way across a raging river *after* tribal council to retrieve the rice so the whole tribe wouldn't starve? That was the good old days before a food reward every other freaking day.

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    2. IMHO The remaining folks are the survivors. It's like the popular kids in high school. They think they'll rule the world forever, but then graduation comes, and their lost.

      The members of the jury are out because they made bad moves and didn't plan ahead effectively.

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  6. and now the big question is who do you write about now that Golden Boy and The Dame have left this circus. I suppose they are on the jury.

    Brenda is getting a few confessions, better late than never, but I think it's too late

    Great recap once again, it truly does get better each week.

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  7. Great recap, of course. You have that genius comic touch I love so much.

    I for one am loving this season. And I am rooting so hard for Cochran! I adore him! Spindly he may be but I think he's playing MUCH better than previously and it seems to me like he is pulling the strings now, and maybe has been pulling a few for a while now.

    I also think he could be right -- if Theddie gets to the final 3, he has votes coming from Mascaroni, the Dame, and Golden Boy at the very least. Three guaranteed votes = someone I wouldn't want to take with me.

    Please stop hating this show! Please!!!!! Every season you seem to hate it more and more and the episodes you love make for such fantastic blogs.

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    1. It's not a matter of hating the show, it's a matter of hating the trend by which you get an alliance of nothings whose main goal is eliminating anyone who can actually play the game. At he moment Erik and Freebush claim they control the game because they vote each week to maintain the alliance of nothings where they are the most junior and expendable members. Mascaroni claims she controls the game except she was just eliminated while holding an immunity idol.

      About the only interesting and competitive players left are Mowgli and Cochran which means they will almost certainly be eliminated in short order. And there will be tears. Players will sluice themselves in tears. For some reason this alliance seems to be very big on crying. Perhaps alliance of the lachrymose would be better.

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    2. I don't hate Survivor. I get frustrated with production and casting, but I don't hate it. Trust me, if I hated it, I wouldn't write about it every week.

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  8. I am getting tired of people saying the producers' manipulations are creating lousy finishes. I myself have vocally complained when they had a Boston Rob or Kim running herd on everyone while the sheeple just lined up for the slaughter. Now we have a group of savvy players. Perhaps not charismatic, but certainly savvy. They know enough to execute someone who looks to be playing well or playing too hard. Like Mascaroni or not, she has been aggressive and playing a wicked social game. I think she already had the four votes of the jury's first four penises. I mean members. Four penises, four members, it's all the same.

    Phillip told her he would vote for her at Ponderosa. He has a big mouth so it's worth watching his post-show interviews. He has been telegraphing certain play. Phillip said the Favorites alliance would turn on Mascaroni first while back at Ponderosa. Based on this, I would watch Cochran. Phillip gave him a lot of kudos on the aftershow. Almost too many. He indicated that Cochran lets others get out in front, but when plans get messy he asserts himself and gets things back on track. It was a very interesting account by Phillip. For reason of Phillip's diarrhea mouth, I think Cochran has won.

    Now if Cochran won, I would say he played well. Maybe it's not Golden Boy or Dame pretty and strong. It's not as aggressive as Phillip and Mascaroni. However, he has been subtly pulling strings and he has had influence. Unless Calgon weighs on him, I would really be surprised if he took Mowgli to the end. Now Mowgli can get those members on the jury to stand to attention for her.

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  9. Ugh - not another season where we have to endure Colette whining and bitching about how much the show sucks and how bored she is by it all, all because the guy whose cock she wanted got voted off.

    Colette claims to be this Survivor fan yet has zero appreciation for people who play the game really well (see: Kim Spradlin). The reality is that - with the possible exception of Brenda, who hasn't been seen much - the players left have all played good, smart, strategic games (even Sherri was really good early on before the tribes were switched), and we know from the past season that Brenda is very crafty and cunning.

    Colette complains about how the show sucks when it's dominated by crazies who have no game-playing ability (Shamar and Brandon). Colette complains about how the show sucks when it's driven by scrambling strategy (Malcolm, Corinne). And now she complains about how the show sucks when it's down to players who have taken over the game with their smart alliance play and deceitful blindsides (Dawn and Cochran) or anyone-but-me shiftiness (Erik).

    The last four shows have been awesome: the blindsides of Corinne and Andrea, the multiple-idol play by Malcolm that forced the vote against Phillip. But, like a spoiled teenager, Colette just yawns.

    When was the last time Colette liked any season? When was the last time Colette didn't complain about how much Survivor sucks? The only thing that seems to have her excited in the past three years (aside from Malcom's cock) was her weird attachment to the most annoying Survivor player in history - Abi - all because she once cooed at Colette on Twitter.

    Listen, bitch: get back to entertaining us by writing amusing reviews. Nobody needs to hear how much you hate the show season after season. Learn to appreciate the strategy and cunning it takes to win Survivor. *That is what makes the show interesting.

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    1. Did my paycheck get lost in the mail? The last time I checked, my ass doesn't work for you.

      And does the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome affect your reading comprehension? The episodes starring The Three Amigos were amongst my all time favorites. If I yawned it was probably from one of the incessant hateful tweets you send me.

      You do know you don't have to read what I write, don't you? Since my dreck is so appallingly offensive, tell the captor that is chaining you to your laptop week in and week out that he can set you free.

      Delete
    2. You go girl!! Way to banish the troll! Avast ye!

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    3. You lost me at Kim Spradlin. That was the season of the stupid cheerleaders. They were happy to hand Kim the million dollars. I think people just want to see a competitive finale where two strong players have a shot at winning. Not sure that is really possible anymore.

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    4. Hello bit,

      Your ass may not work for him, but it sure works for me. And it's quite the shapely ass too, because...

      Holy despair​,​ Batman! If it ​isn't my favourite quote from Hamlet! Well, that settles that; I'm glad I survived the sluicing of my wrists last week. I want to be! I don't want to not be! Hang on, what was the question?

      ​Wait. You're giving me the stinkeye? What for? Oh,​ that's right​ - last week ​I revoked your bitch credentials, didn't ​I​? Well​, ​this week's blog is so damn good that I am compelled to return your 'ch'.​ ​No longer will you have to walk down ​M​ain ​street with your head bowed, smarting at the whispers and glares of former admirers. ​In ​all honesty,​ I should never have ​revoked them in the first place, but who doesn't ​have the occasional lapse in judgement when they are upset? I humbly apologise. And ​I​ apologise again, just in case I missed a deserved apology somewhere down the line. OK, we should be at tabula rasa state now. I'll promptly get to work on my next presumptuous judgement, ​or ​piece of uncalled for rudeness, or ​petty insult right away, smelly.

      Lala, you have every right to be proud of what​ y​ou do here. You consistently delight me, and I​ am not easily delighted. You could teach Calgon a thing or two about laundry, believe me! Reading this week​'​s blog ​​quantifiably improved my mood.

      May your sluice only ever suffer penetration by the slings and arrows of fabulous fortune!

      See you next week, bitch!

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  10. "His entire alliance then turns their back on the lad as he stumbles face first into the water. Even Dimples is disappointed as he puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head. So much for being a Challenge beast, eh?"

    This is exactly what I was thinking when Cockburn decided to call it a day, after declaring he was a Challenge Beast the previous week for winning a completely rigged immunity challenge. The same way SA Shepherd (he was a federal agent) was shunned for his refusal to participate in the immunity challenge, Cockburn should have been shunned for throwing in the towel after gloating over his win and declaring himself the "challenge beast". What a douchebag!

    Mascaroni's big mistake was talking strategy with Cockburn. From day one it should have been obvious that those "favorites" from the same seasons would be allies, except for maybe Brandon since he has always been just a complete nutbag. But Calgon and Cockburn were hooked up from day 1, as were Mascaroni and SA Sheperd (did you know he was a federal agent?). So to start talking about blindsiding someone who it should just be assumed is the strongest ally of the person you are talking to is just stupid. I was screaming at the TV, NOOOOOOO! Rather than target the three amigos (Golden Boy and Dame Reynold) the targets should have been Cockburn and Calgon... Cockburn first, and Calgon second. Without Cockburn in the game, Calgon would shrivel up into a ball in the corner of the lean to in tears, rocking back and forth mumbling to herself something about how everyone was targeting her. It would have almost been like a 2 fer 1 proposition.

    Next, let's talk Freebush. After watching the Ponderosa videos, and seeing how much weight the guys lost, I have to wonder how much weight Freebush has dropped (you can tell those cans are fake, because as the rest of her body shrinks, her cans seem to get bigger). Anyone who doesn't drag her to the final three is an idiot. She is the one who makes it a two-person race. When was the last time it was a two person final? I really wish they wold go back to that, because it makes it more strategic, and harder to drag along someone who really doesn't deserve to be there.

    Right now, Mowgli, Freebush, and Ice Cream Man all think that they "control" the game. That couldn't be further from the truth. It appears like Cockburn and Calgon are rock solid, and it would be completely idiotic of them not to drag Freebush along. The only question will be whether Mowgli and the Ice Cream Man realize this and do something about it before they are sent packing. Though from what I have seen thus far, they don't have it in them. I think they'll take out Mowgli next, then Theddie, and finally the Ice Cream Man, if they can.

    So at this point, unless Mowgli or the Ice Cream Man decide they want to make a move, I can't see anyone but Cockburn, Calgon, and Freebush in the final three, and as far as I am concerned, none of them really deserve to be there. Cockburn's game plan seemed to be stay in the background and when all the strong players are gone, try to make it look like he was pulling the string the whole time. Calgon has done nothing except be a rat (which again, I can't believe anyone would put any trust in her after the breakdowns, and obvious narcing out others who confided in her) and Freebush is just happy that she is still drawing a breath at this point. Then again, if the other players want to hand them the game, there isn't a lot you can do about it.

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  11. Wow, after re-reading what I wrote, I am all over the place. But I will add that it is at this point a final alliance of three should form. Barring any sort of immunity losses, Cockburn, Calgon, and Freebush could secretly ally themselves to vote out any of the other three. If they don't make some sort of final 3 pact this week, I would be surprised. If Mowgli and the Ice Cream Man were smart, they would try to get Freebush on their side, since I think they have a better shot at winning any sort of immunity challenge, and then they really would control the game.

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  12. So I watched this episode last night and literally, no joke had a dream abt Philip. I was in an elevator and there was a fire, he was saying I can save you...I'm a federal agent. I'm traumatized.

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  13. I think Mowgli can still make this an interesting and strong finish if she takes action and pulls Theddie and Ice Cream Man in with her. I hope she is up to the task. Given the little airtime Mowgli has been given, is this a possible outcome or are the producers telling us Cochran is the winner? The problem she will have is that the Ice Cream Man is kind of the vacillating lone ranger out there just like his previous season. His play is baffling, but somehow effective, as no one even has so much mumbled his name before a tribal council.

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  14. WHAT IS UP WITH DAME REYNOLD'S 70'S PORN STAR MUSTACHE???? Don't really care about him (though I do love the character you created) or Mascaroni. This is Cochran's to lose.

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  15. Also, Lala have you seen Malcolm's Ponderosa videos? So bummed that he's gone, really wanted him to win. Also, glad to see that Phillip wasn't bitter; I really think that Phillip's not such a bad guy outside of the guy, he gave Malcolm lots of props for how he played the game.

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    1. Actually, I haven't seen them, but you're the umpteenth person to tell me watch. I'm youtubing it right now.

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    2. You do need to watch it because he is sooo beautiful... At least he thinks so!

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  16. If Theddie makes it to the final 3 they all should vote for him for the simple fact that he has been an outcast for so stinking long. I don't want him to win though.

    If I had to choose I think Mowgli is the last true competitor left. I wasn't cheering for her until now.

    I wanted Golden Boy to win. After he was booted I started cheering for Reynolds. I'm heartbroken they are gone.

    The only thing that could keep this interesting is for Mowgli to win the rest of the immunity challenges. With the bunch that is left, it is a real possibility.

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    1. I hate how people say Eddie and reynold were outcasts from the beginning- it was the two of them that did it to themselves. Day one they got together with the two good looking girls and said here is our alliance bc we look good and made it clear they were 4 strong. Why would the other 6 let the 4 team stay together? Eddie and reynold were idiots, made themselves targets by seperating themselves from the rest of the tribe, and then in their ego driven minds blamed the other people for why their game was so bad.

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  17. I just don't get anyone who is saying that Mowgli is playing strategic game. The only words she has spoken the whole season were to ask Colgan about the location of the hidden immunity teeth and to whine about how hungry she is. Flying under the radar and getting lucky for one immunity challenge isn't strategy.
    She isn't making any moves, just going along with the flow of the remaining Stinks R Us group.

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  18. Senor wrote: "I think people just want to see a competitive finale where two strong players have a shot at winning. Not sure that is really possible anymore."

    My thoughts exactly.

    I'd love to see good all-around players be the ones to make it to the end. I want it all: smarts, social, physical. That person doesn't have to be eye candy, either: give me another Bob Crowley anytime. He wasn't physically dominating, but he won challenges because he used all of his skills. Cochran? He's smart and he can play a social game, but he has nothing on someone like Crowley. I don't see *any* of the remaining players as being solid all-around players, and I certainly don't see their strategies as that masterfully brilliant, either.

    It seems (from the outside, on my nice comfy couch) that the game isn't as challenging as it was. Almost every challenge has been physical -- not much in the way of puzzles, memory games, mazes, etc.

    A final note: props to Colette for putting out the effort on this blog. It's always a lot easier to criticize someone else's efforts than to create original content, especially anonymously.

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    1. Thanks for saying that. I'm proud of what I do here. I work my ass off and my readers are loyal. Sometimes Survivors love me and sometimes they tell me to kill myself (ahem Prunes), but no one can say I don't put forth the effort each and every week. Fuck the haters.

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    2. Prunes would never say that! She is an angel!

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    3. Well...Prunes DID say that...bitter Betty...her and Handlebar couldn't take the spotlight and humor tho THEY were the ones who signed up for a reality TV show where THEY would be viewed by millions and of those millions might be those who recap recap the show using humor based on their appearance on said show.

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    4. You can tell Prunes takes herself way too seriously. I suppose it would be futile to explain to her that Pharma Girls are hired to look good and not for their intelligence and incredible knowledge of human physiology.

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  19. Your blogs are literally the only reason I started watching Survivor! Never watched an episode but loved reading what you wrote so much I started this season. I love it! You obviously like the show. No one puts this much effort into something they hate. That said, I hope Eddie takes it all. Loved the three amigos.

    Misslizzy

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  20. When GB walked into tribal I too about had an orgasm with his hair all cascading down. I paused it and took a pic of the same screen shot you posted on here. Then he whipped his hair back and OMG!

    I was sooooooooooo happy that ditz bag Mascaroni got blind sided holding the idol. Reynold was rolling on the floor laughing so hard. We all screamed when they pulled the last vote and said bla bla number person voted out of survivor.

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    1. Are we FB friends kandeekane? Someone posted a gif of GB whipping his hair back and forf on my Wall. It's delicious. (facebook.com/colette.lala)

      (If Willow says back and forf, then so do I)

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