Saturday, February 9, 2013

Julia: The Pudding Pop

Next up is 21 year old Julia Landauer. 21? Why is this cast so young? I'm not one of those people who needs 60 year olds traipsing about around camp, but enough with the under 25 crowd! 30 somethings are naturally more interesting. They've accomplished more, they're a little wiser, they're still sexy... The last thing I want to see is a bunch of Angie's wandering around bumping into trees and daydreaming about sweets. My apologies to Julia for hijacking her write-up with a rant as I haven't even seen her bio or video yet. Perhaps she is a wise and mature 21 year old. Let's find out.

Ok so Julia is a race car driver from Stanford, CA. Her inspiration in life is Paul Newman because he lived his life passionately and was a true gentleman. Hmm. Maybe she is a mature 21 year old.  Maybe Julia will prove my ageist rant as unfounded and unfairly judgmental.

Julia's pet peeve is slow drivers in the left lane which, if you think about it, totally makes sense. Not because she's a race car driver, but because slow drivers in the left lane deserve their own ring of hell where they are forced to drive behind an old lady in a Rascal for all of eternity.

Alright, let's get to the video. I hope to God you're interesting, Julia. I'm desperate for someone exciting. Please to enjoy:

While she's not an immature fop, she's a thumping bore. I'm predicting this one gets the Jell-O Pop (Carter) edit. She'll flit by here and there, but we'll never get to know her. We'll confuse her with other brunettes and when her elimination episode airs where she finally gets some airtime, we'll wonder where the hell she came from. Being overly cautious may serve her well as far as lasting to the Merge, but it won't serve her well as far as entertaining me and giving me some material to work with.

Look, I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong about each and every one of these people. I hope they trot out and knock me over with their resounding wit and duplicitous gameplay. I hope I'm eating my words at the end of episode 3 as I sit here awestruck by the awesomeness of all of these super young newbies. But, let's face it, I think we've got a genuine All Stars season to look forward to. With Phillip Sheppard and Cochran milling about, we'll never get to know any of these newbies. Too bad, so sad.

So, what do we think of Julia? Is she too serious and level-headed? Can she possibly form alliances with the other vapid windbags on her tribe? Comment it out.

Eddie: The Little Boy

Let us now meet 23 year old Eddie Fox. Eddie is a fireman from East Brunswick, New Jersey and says his claim to fame is "helping others." My claim to fame is drinking topless and flicking light switches on and off with my nipples. I don't know about you, but that is so much more handy than helping people.

Why Eddie looks like he's taking a dump in his cast photo is anyone's guess. The better question would be why Eddie wants sneakers and a cutting tool on the island when he will already have sneakers and a cutting tool on the island. Eddie, my love, you can bring whatever shoes you want and I don't know if you've seen an episode of this little show you're on called Survivor, but they GIVE YOU A MACHETE.

Let's see what this brain trust has to say for himself. Please to enjoy:

A vision in periwinkle. A freshly scrubbed bright-eyed lad ready to take on the world. Full of plans, ripe with ideas. A real go-getter. The little boy optimism has some charm to it, but it is the lisp that has stolen my heart. That lisp! It's a crumpled-hair-roll-out-of-bed-in-your-Batman-PJ's-kick-the-air-trip-over-a-Tonka-truck-and-take-the-ritalin-your-mama-set-out-for-you ball of innocence. A lip furling 10 year old in a 23 year old man's body. He's the movie Big in real life.

Socially, he could win people over. Strategically, he'll play too hard, too fast. I don't expect much from Eddie in the way of cutthroat backstabbing game play. But I do expect him to say Sthurvivor a lot. And isn't that just as satisfying? I mean, sthatisfying.

So, what do you think of Eddie? Does he have sthaying power? Can he lasth in the game? Comment it out.

Hope: The Question Mark

This is Hope Driskill. She is a 23 year old law student from Missouri who hates complainers. She describes herself as tenacious, intelligent and personable. Meanwhile, I describe her as a really boring questionnaire filler outer. She loves her dad, she wants to win the money to pay for college, she's strong inside and out... *cocks rifle and shoots my face off*

These stock answers are making me insane, you guys. Let's just skip to the video. Please to enjoy:

I don't know. What is there to say? She's pretty. But, what else? What else, what else, what else. There's nothing to be mean about, there's nothing to be nice about. Are these people really boring or is it just me? I don't think I've ever been this much at a loss for words before. If you give me nothing, Survivors, you get nothing in return.

So, whatever. Comment. What do I care?

Matt: The Angel

This is a delicious morsel called Matt Bischoff. Matt is 38 years old and hails from the great state of Ohio. In addition to whittling wood, attending Skynyrd concerts and protecting the town of Charming, Matt dabbles in BMX bike sales. His inspiration in life is a hirsute fellow by the name of Hans Langseth. You might be asking yourselves, "Who is this Hans? And why does Matt worship him so?"

Voila! Hans holds the record for the longest beard ever. 17.5 feet long, I'll have you know. I don't know about all of you, but Hans is now my inspiration in life as well. Not for his beard, no. But for the wave like crest his hair makes, the soul piercing glare of his eyes and for the grand throne he sits upon. I feel you, Matt. I do. All hail Hans!

There are two other things that Matt loves almost as much as facial hair - his sons. Matt is a proud daddy and even though he has a mane that would make a chestnut thoroughbred jealous, his sons are his greatest achievement so far.

Oh god, I hope he talks with an accent. Please to enjoy:

I have no idea what he just said. I was too distracted by how his dreadlock titter tattered back and forth in the breeze. Glorious! At one point it was a little like a metronome - tick, tock, tick, tock - hypnotizing me with images of sticky floored biker bars and big bosomed feathered gals riding bitch on the back of  Harleys.

I'm not so disillusioned to think this beautiful specimen will actually win, but I do hope he is around long enough to entertain us with tales of Sturgis, Altamont and how he makes those duck calls sound so melodious.

So, what do we think of Matt? Does he make your nipples hard like he does mine?

Sherri: The Stepford Survivor

Next up is 41 year old Sherri Biethman from Boise, Idaho. Sherri is a fast food franchisee and says her personal claim to fame is finding the right diagnosis for her autistic son. Her inspiration in life are her parents and clutter/dirt drives her mad.


Allow me to make a side note here - a side note and a plea to future reality contestants - THIS is how you fill out a questionnaire. Come on, people. Entertain me! Everyone loves their stupid parents and hates dirty things. Be creative! Get my juices flowing. En-ter-tain me.

If Sherri could have three things on the island they would be: a toothbrush, coffee and a computer with wifi. If I could have three things on the island they would be: a sack of glitter, a barrel of gin and a greased up Extra from Spartacus with a vasectomy.

Maybe Sherri is just bad on paper. Let's find out for ourselves. Please to enjoy:


"I'm here to win. I'm here to prove you can do it. I didn't leave my family not to win. You can do it. I'm 40. I want to win. Oh yeah, I have a husband. You can do it. I have kids. 1, 2 kids. No, wait, there's a third one I think. Yeah, 3 kids. You can have 3 kids too if you want. You can do it if you want it and I want it so I'm doing it. I'm here to win."

And then her battery ran out and wires spewed out of her chest. When the smoke started eeking out of her nose, Dimples ran in with a fire extinguisher and covered her with foam. Hot.

So, what do we think of Sherri? Is she related in any way to Jell-O Pop (Carter)?

Laura: The Reaper

Pas de bourrée, jeté, jeté, curtsy. Tada! I'm back. You're back. It's back. We're all back and we're gooey with promise and nipples. Uncrackling the cracks, unwrinkling the wrinkles, with a squee and a burble, I begin...

First up is Laura Alexander. A 23 year old from Washington D.C., Laura slaves away as an administrative officer. With hair like wheat and features placed just so, Laura reminds me of a farmer's daughter. Devout in the daylight amongst the moos and cocks, but wanton and carefree when the sun sets and the crickets chirp. She's Ariel dancing when there is no dancing in Bomont. Or maybe not. After all, she does have Froot Loops on her bathing suit.

Diving further into Laura's biography, we discover that she has climbed a mountain. A very high mountain in Northern Africa. As mountain climbers tend to be competitive and always at war with themselves, Laura might not be as innocent as we once thought her to be back on the farm. Then again, she loves her mother and jigsaw puzzles. Laura, you bewildering cheddar chintz!

Let us turn to the video and see if we can get a better read on our fair Laura. Please to enjoy:

She talks a good game and she says the right things, but she's got a tell. That lower lip of hers is a neon William Tell and it betrays everything her stern forehead punctuates with conviction. It trembles like an epileptic and twitches like Michael J. Fox. To watch on mute, you want to hand the poor girl a tissue and tell her everything will be alright. To watch with a blindfold, she's just like all the other gals who say, "I think everyone will underestimate me." If she can keep that impudent lip under control, she may not crumble like the Cookie (Angie). She may impress us with her cutthroat-y wheat sickle tongue. Then again, she has Froot Loops on her bathing suit.

So, what do you guys think of Laura? Is she all talk? Will she crumble and go soggy the first night it rains? Comment it out, bitches.