Thursday, February 28, 2013

Revenge Of The Nerds


*caw caw, flap flap flap* The men were innocently playing a game of Blackjack when they heard the mammoth bird fly overhead. Back and forth, back and forth. *caw caw, flap, plop, plop* Guano began dripping in violet clumps down the barred windows as Cheswick, Harding, Martini, Taber and McMurphy tried to ignore it. Nurse Freebush Ratched turned the record player up even louder in hopes of drowning out the shrill howls. "Handel should calm the men down," she thought to herself as she shook her head and watched Lil Hantz lick the windows. With her crisp buff and Miracle Bra bikini, Nurse Freebush peered upwards out the window while Shalimar fluttered and spat as he encircled the compound. She's known many Shalimar's in her life. Too many. The anger, the insomnia, the increased levels of Dopamine, the pooping on the windows. *sigh* But with a little cajoling, some good old fashioned tough love, and a few rounds of ECT (thrice weekly for the next 15 years), she just might be able to quell the flashbacks and these little outbursts that have suddenly increased with regularity. But if he doesn't respond to the music and her words of encouragement, she'll have to bring in Orderly Sheppard and his potato gun. What other choice does she have but to fill it with Haldol and let the Former Special Agent shoot Shalimar down? In her 20 years of running mental health facility franchises (Taco Hell), she has yet to lose a patient. And she's not about to now! Let's recap, shall we?

We continue our Filipino tale at Goiter (Gota) with the darkness enveloping us. The night insects chirp up above while a family of ornery rat people skitter down below. Theddie (Eddie) finally breaks the awkward silence, "Doesth anyone want to talk about what justh happened?" Duck Dynasty (Matt) quickly separates his beard into two even pieces and promptly ties it into a knot above his head effectively keeping his mouth shut. You see, Duck didn't vote how the Heathers wanted him to vote and now it's best if he keeps quiet and stays out of the firing line. Easier said than done, because here comes Reynold, Big Mouth Reynold, to address the camp, "You need me to win challenges! I have the Idol! Game on!" Laura, Julia, Hope and Michael immediately scurry over to Duck in hopes of hiding underneath his beard from the impending drama. With their hiding place gone and wrapped neatly in a fetching bow atop Duck's head, they use a Philip Sheppard method of camouflage instead and simply stand very very still while holding a branch and a leaf in each hand.


As is the order of the day, whenever Reynold speaks, Shalimar (Shamar) has an Eye-Rack flashback of an IED blowing Bubba's leg off. His jowls begin to shake as he stomps around camp kicking over pots and pans. He yells, "I don't understand how the game just started cuz I didn't get voted out!" Theddie spits, "It wasthn't our plan!" Bitch pleasth. And thank you. Thank you for reminding Shalimar that mortars could fall at any moment because now he's overturning the shelter and piling up sandbags around Duck. I guess Shalimar didn't see Duck sitting there in his bearded hideout. Wide-eyed whippet Laura saw him sitting there though. She saw him and I'm sure some part of her wanted to make sure Duck would be safe, but she's more angry that Shalimar didn't send her an embossed piece of stationary with a thank you note for not voting him out.


The next morning at Goiter, the drama subsides as Reynold and Theddie giggle with each other over how the cool people lunch table just got a little bit smaller. It blows Reynold's mind how his camp would choose to keep a lazy freeloader like Shalimar around when someone like Allie at least contributed (and would let him squeeze her ass). The only hope Archie and Jughead have of turning the game back around in their favor is if Shalimar continues to piss people off and barricades them in one by one with his sandbag forts.


Freebush (Sherri) is also very aware that Shalimar could "accidentally" take out one of her alliance with friendly fire so she quickly ushers Shalimar behind the bunker he built the night before and advises him to simply lay low today. Reynold and Theddie are in the middle of hazing their new pledge class and they will absolutely 100% try to ruffle Shalimar's feathers today. She's seen it before. Everyday in her thriving franchise business, snot nose bratty teenagers place whoopee cushions on the chair in her office and put pop rocks in the soda machine. Every. Damn. Day. But, she knows how to deal with them. When you run a drive thru mental health facility/Mexican fastfood joint, it means you get Lorazepam in bulk. And so, under the guise of a loving embrace, Freebush stabs a needle of the calming nectar into Shalimar's neck.

The problem is, instead of relaxing Shalimar and knocking him out until the Immunity Challenge, the anti-anxiety juice gives him a case of the sads and now a large black cloud hangs over his head. His neck hangs low and he walks with a defeated shuffle whereas before he'd be buffing his nails in the shelter sipping Rum Coco's while hurling bamboo spears at Reynold's head. Is the million dollars (a used piece of dental floss and a dust bunny if you're Jeff Kent) really worth all of this pain and sadness? Is it worth that much money to nap all day and torture white people at night?


These Goiters are getting me down, man. They're harshing my mellow and killing my naturally sparkly love of life. Let's take a peek over at Baklava (Bikal) and see how the Favorites are doing today. I'll bet it's a frolicking good time with Calgon (Dawn) cutting the crusts off of everyone's sandwiches and Golden Boy (Malcolm) sitting magnificently in the sun while the light dances on his glistening pecs. I'll bet Cochran accidentally fell asleep in his half shell again and floated out to sea. The Survivor Coast Guard will have to do another water rescue and we'll all laugh about it as Cochran groggily wipes the sleep from his eyes and asks, "Did I float towards Cambodia again?"

*jaunty quirky xylophone music plays off key*

Oh look, it's another episode of The Phillip Sheppard Show.


"Hello, my name is Phillip Sheppard and I am in the best shape of my life. I really know how to take care of myself. I really do. At 54 years old I can lift this here twig and jump over fallen coconuts with agile flare. I frequently draw hopscotch squares in the sand to mimic my rigorous hopscotch training back at home. When I train at the military facility near my neighborhood (Dwight D. Eisenhower Elementary School) I play in an intramural basketball league against a new race of military defense robots twice my size and half my age. We jokingly call them the Green Giants even though they're technically silver. But when I play, whoo! Dunk! Catch me if you can! I got a little rebound sprint. Cha cha! Cha cha! All air, baby! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some barnacles to scrub. Excellent for finger dexterity. Specialist out!"


Back in the real world, Corinne is looking around her alliance of six and noticing that both she and Golden Boy are probably fairly low on the totem pole. Mascaroni (Andrea) and Phillip are long time buddies as well as Cochran and Calgon. If Corinne and Golden Boy want to feel somewhat safer in the game, they need to work together and find that Hidden Immunity Idol. And that's exactly what they do. They venture into the wilderness with their wits and loose boxers *flip flop*. Golden Boy sticks his hand in and out of trees while Corinne kicks over a rock or two. Suddenly, they stumble onto a large menacing tree with a gooey crevice of swamp water and cholera. Golden Boy trepidatiously sticks his hand in and voila! Hidden Immunity Idol. Nya nya nya nya nya nya. In all honesty, Golden Boy isn't exactly thrilled that Corinne was with him when he found it and he's definitely leery of now having his wagon hitched to hers. Corinne has a Survivor reputation and it's not a fluffy one with puppies and rainbows. It's more like barb wire hats and buckets of acid waiting to be thrown on someone.

So while Golden Boy and Corinne get busy hiding their Idol, Cochran is back at camp trapped in a feast for the eyes. A garden of delights and boobies. Girls, girls, everywhere! And always in a state of undress! Back at Harvard the co-ed's rarely frolicked in the quad in just their unmentionables so all of this is quite new to the young Cochran. So when you think Cochran is sitting quietly in the shelter coming up with cunning chess-like moves to outwit his competitors, he's not. He's actually trapped in his head thinking, "Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!"


Speaking of boobies, or a lack thereof, here comes Mascaroni ready to get rid of someone on her own alliance again. They haven't even lost a challenge yet and she's already plotting a way to send Corinne the way of Francannedham. Someone help me understand how you go through the trouble of getting a majority number of people in your alliance only to keep cutting them all loose one by one. If you keep kicking out your alliance, precious, you will no longer have an alliance. Duh. And all of this because Mascaroni saw Corinne having a chat with Golden Boy. So, in true Mascaroni style, she scurries from player to player telling them that Corinne needs to be the next one to go. In fact, she wants to replace Corinne with Lil Hantz (Brandon). Lil. Hantz. That paradigm of mental stability who threw a hissy fit when Frankrustytheclown got voted out. Lil Hantz. The guy who has "EYE GONNA PIZZ IN YO BEENS" tattooed on his neck. *slow clap for Mascaroni*


While things are getting a little gamey and putrid at Baklava, the same cannot be said for Goiter. Shalimar is still down in the dumps and his Seratonin levels are plummeting with each passing second. After wallowing in his own darkness for a spell, he finally tells his tribe that his happiness isn't worth a million dollars and that this experience just isn't his bag anymore. Como what? Come again? First off, you haven't been happy since you've been here! And secondly, my happiness is worth a cool $20. For real, I'm the Jeff Kent of happiness. If I find a fiver in my jeans, I'm on my way to Trader Joe's getting a bottle of Two Buck Chuck and a bag of croutons being happier than you'd ever imagine. For the love of god, have you ever tasted their croutons?! So imagine what I could buy with a million dollars. Millions of croutons I would imagine.

I'm not going to get on some moral high horse and say that a former (?) alcoholic with PTSD and visions of bloodied body parts dancing around his head shouldn't have been cast on the show in the first place. I'm the type who actually likes the crazy unstable people. To me, the sin is when a boring person gets cast. I can't do anything with boring. Boring makes my blogging life difficult. What I do take issue with is when someone goes through the rigorous process of getting cast on a show and then considers quitting. That, I will not stand for.

(Thanks Max Dawson!)

Freebush, however, looks at it in a much more practical manner. If Shalimar quits and they still lose the challenge, then the Goiters will be down TWO people and that screws up her plan of total world domination. I don't know whether it was guilt eating him up inside or the injection of Lexapro that Freebush shot into his ass, but Shalimar doesn't want to disappoint the older white lady who took him in and nurtured him back to mental stability.



And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, you will swim out to a cage. Once there, you will lock Phillip Sheppard inside and conveniently lose the key. He may tempt you to get him out by donning a lunch tray on his head. Pay no attention. Instead, dive down and push a crate filled with the bodies of former Survivors across the ocean floor. Once you are back onshore, lift the trunk o' bones onto a track. With a grappling hook, you'll toss it to a ring and try to complete your track with the remaining pieces. The first tribe to push their chest o' cadavers across the track to the platform wins Immunity and Reward. Wanna know what you're playing for? Fluffy goose down pillows and some lawn chairs. Survivors ready, go!

Both tribes race into the water and immediately the weak links stick out like sore thumbs. For the Goiters, it's wispy Laura. She lies on her back and rotates her arms in such a way that they're actually carrying her back onshore. And then we have Cochran over on Baklava. Instead of swimming, Cochran has chosen to hang onto Calgon's fanny pack and let her swim them both in. Hey, if it works!


With the Favorites already at the cage, they quickly climb over and begin to tumble down into the water. The Fans, however, are still waiting for the wind to pick up and carry Laura out to them. Impatient and frantic, Reynold swims back and brings Laura in himself. He then tosses Whippet (Laura) over the cage and all we hear is a faint yelp as she hits the water.


With both tribes in their cages, it's a race to unlock their gates and unearth their chests. The Fans gain a slight lead as both tribes head back to shore, but once onshore the Favorites begin to pull ahead again. With body parts knocking around inside the water logged crates (Handlebar's leg in Prunes' ear), both tribes lift their boxes onto their tracks and begin tossing their hooks. Once again it is Golden Boy and Reynold as the starting tossers. Reynold snags his first section of track almost immediately as Golden Boy passes off to Phillip who then snags his section. Toss, toss, toss, yadda, yadda, yadda. Both teams have one more piece of track left and that's when I saw it. I saw it and I knew, in an instant, who was going to win. You saw it too, didn't you? Golden Boy's hair! His stubborn hair unfurled and tumbled down.  It hung loosely, gloriously, and off to one side. And there you have it... FAVORITES WIN IMMUNITY!!!!

Back at Goiter, the tribe is having another one of their post-challenge meetings. Those meetings where they try to figure out what went wrong and how they can prevent it happening ag... "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I HAVE CONTACTS! SHUT UP!" Oh, hey Shalimar, do you have something you want to say? "SHUT UP! DON'T TALK TO ME! YOU'RE DISGUSTING! YOU'RE ON MY NO TALKING LIST!" But, I'm just trying to write a blog. "SHUT UP! I NEEDED THE GOGGLES. YOU DISGUST ME." Ok, we'll make sure to get you some next time. "I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP! THE NO TALKING LIST IS FOR REAL. SHUT UP!"


The meeting ended very much like the Protestant Reformation began. It ended with Shalimar nailing his list of 95 People Who Should Shut The Hell Up to the Tree Mail tree. I'm on it and so are Reynold and Theddie. You know who isn't on it, but should be? Whippet. Even though she was like a drowning dog in that last challenge, she has herself a large alliance and she's not a Heather. All of this begs the question: Why is she freaking out so much?! I realize whippets are skittish and easily nervous, but homegirl will talk herself right into an eviction if she keeps reminding everyone how bad she did in that challenge.

Later, Freebush gives Whippet a spoonful of peanut butter and finally, finally! - a new plan begins to take place. Since Reynold and Theddie are decent in challenges, the anti-Heathers (AKA The Mildreds) decide that Hope should be the next one to go home. BUT they're worried about that pesky Idol that Reynold keeps in his skinny jeans so they'll split the votes between Theddie and Hope. The boys will vote for Theddie and the girls will vote for Hope. It's easy breezy Cover Girl. Or, it should be easy breezy Cover Girl.

Freebush then tells Shalimar that he is supposed to vote for Theddie tonight, but Shalimar accidentally put Freebush on his SHUT THE HELL UP list and now he can't hear her too well. Once you're on that list, your voice cracks and a firm grip takes hold of your vocal chords every time you try to speak. It is incredibly painful and the more I type, the more my inner voice sounds a little like a gravelly Abby Lee Miller. Clearly, the inclusion of Freebush on the list was an oversight on Shalimar's part, but now Shalimar thinks he's allowed to make decisions and you and I both know that that can't end well.


And so we find Shalimar sitting in the water doing exactly what he isn't supposed to do - telling Hope, in not so many words, that the votes will be split between her and someone else. He tells her point blank that they can't get rid of Reynold because of his Idol. So who does that leave? That leaves Theddie. And here is where is things get interesting. Hope then goes and tells Julia that Shalimar was hinting that it is either Theddie or herself going home tonight. Julia. Julia! Julia, who is not a Heather. Julia, who is a Mildred. Was Hope trying to turn the Mildred's against Shalimar? Why doesn't she just keep her mouth shut and write down "Theddie"?

Julia immediately runs to the rest of the Mildred's and tells them what Shalimar did and, naturally, Whippet is freaking out with her tail wagging like crazy. "Is he going to vote for me? Am I on the chopping block now? I did bad in the challenge. Oh my god, what do I do? Woof! Is he turning the Heathers against me? Arf! Should I talk to someone? What happens now? My coat itches. Ruff!" Freebush then shoves another wad of peanut butter in her mouth to shut her up. This time she laced it with Thorazine. Shush, Whippet. It's ok. Lay down. There you go. Good girl. *Whippet quietly snores and runs in her sleep* What in the world would we do without Freebush and her bevy of pharmaceuticals?


And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples begins by asking Reynold if there was any fall out from the last Tribal Council. Reynold stands and points to Shalimar, "That man! Him! He was screaming from a kilometer away!" Shalimar rolls his eyes and replies, "I wasn't a kilometer away. I was yelling right at him! He's lying. They're all lying."


Reynold then smirks to himself before standing again. This time he's holding a skull up to the footlights. "Alas, poor Yorick! I've never lied to you. Oh, and also, Dimples, I can't really lie to Shalimar because I'm on the SHUT THE HELL UP list and I'm not allowed to talk." At home I raised my hand. Me too, Dimples.

Dimples does one of his saucy sideways glances and probes for more. While the SHUT THE HELL UP list is fascinating, he wants to know if life is always this troubling for Shalimar. Shalimar tells us he is simply misunderstood. In fact, he's the one who is always smiling at camp. The one who is nice to everyone! And then one by one, like hostile bullets in the night, the Goiters come forward and tell their own sad Shalimar tales.

Hope: "Shalimar was in the water with me and he got my hair wet!"

Duck Dynasty: "Shalimar gets carried away. He buried me in sandbags the other day."

Julia: "Shalimar yelled at me and called me weak. He also kicked my dog." *Julia glances at Whippet*

Whippet: "Arf!"

Theddie: "Sthalimar put me on the listh. I'm not sthupposed to talk, Dimplesth."

OK, let's vote. Tada! It's a three way tie between Hope, Theddie and Shalimar. Let's vote again. Only this time, Hope, Theddie and Shalimar will not vote.


And so, because she wasn't too bright in the first vote of the night, Hope is the 3rd person voted out of Survivor Caramoan. Personally, I'm fine with this. Hope did nothing for me, nothing for her tribe and nothing for the show. Later much.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Is Freebush our guiding light? How much longer will the Goiters put up with Shalimar? Doesth Theddie have a chancth in hell of sthurviving if the Goitersth losth next week? When it's Cochran's birthday, should we get him a cake in the shape of boobies? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thanks to Rob Beasley for my Survivor photos!