Thursday, May 9, 2013

It Makes Me Wanna Spit!


Romans 7:20: Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Sin lives inside each and every one of us. Primal, vengeful, carnal, delicious sin. But if you neglect that kernel of ickiness, it will begin to fester, begin to bubble, begin to boil up through squishy innards and out through tiny holes where enamel once stood. When the pearly whites hit the earth, the blackened holes left in their wake gave a sinister peek into the darkness within us. The blackness of that inner demon waiting for an exit strategy. Sloshing in the bile and acid, he waits. He waits for good deeds gone bad, for humility masked in cunning craftiness, and then he strikes. Like a cobra to its prey, that once formerly dormant serpent uncoils and snaps everything - twigs, bark, bamboo, necks. Snap, crackle, pop, ye innocents. Crunch, you bystanders. Mrs. Hyde is spitting mad and now you will all suffer the consequences. Let's recap, shall we?

Our fertile fable continues with an effete foible at first light. Shaggy, worn, and depleted, Erik narrows his eyes at the rising sun while Theddie (Eddie), covered in filth and resignation, contemplates his Survivor dating history. Every girl he has ever laid eyes on has been vaporized. One second they're standing there as innocent as you please and the next second they are nothing more than a strand of blonde hair in the sand. But today, with no more fair eligible women to smile crookedly at, Theddie feels his time here in The Philippines is coming to a close. Unless, of course, he wins Immunity. If Theddie wins Immunity at the next Challenge, bespectacled chalky fop Cochran might be the one getting his walking papers. Theddie thinks it is only a matter of time before Cochran's alliance turns on him. They turned on one of their own last week, what's stopping them from doing it again?


What, indeed. Not a stone's throw away from Cochran on the beach checking his body for an expiration date, sits Calgon (Dawn) and Mowgli (Brenda) discussing what to do in the case that Theddie pulls out an Immunity win. Mowgli, having tasted the sweet syrupy goodness of a backstabbing last night, has an indescribable lust for it now. Like a drug, the idea of another blindside courses through her veins as she suggests to Calgon that they go after Cochran next. And here is where Calgon confirms the secret alliance I was wondering about just last week. While listening to Mowgli suggest blindsiding Cochran, Calgon reveals to us that while the idea isn't completely out of the realm of possibility, she has a little something-something going with Cochran and Freebush (Sherri). And just like that, the mystery of why the hell Freebush is still around is suddenly solved. What I'm wondering now is if Cochran actively sought out a Golden Girls alliance from the get go or was it something that developed organically over time? Perhaps it was a group love of cheesecake, needlepoint, and checkers on the lanai that brought them together.



While most of the camp sits and schemes, that poodle Erik is halfheartedly carving another notch into his calendar tree. *sigh* He's been playing Survivor for 70 days now (mind you, 70 days spread over 5 years) and he knows he should be happy right now, but he's not. It's exhausting lying around and doing nothing! It's backbreaking work napping in the sand and not fishing. Making finger trails in the sun all day will suck the life out of anyone, I'll have you know. Do you have any idea how many calories it takes to sing Rusted Root songs in your head 24/7? 'Send Me On My Way' alone is worth a good 50 if you flail your arms from beginning to end. All that twirling and arm waving, along with copious amounts of LSD, has left the tribe hippy depleted and spent.


Now when he looks up to the sky through the leaves of the palm trees, all he sees are coconuts mocking him. Their hairy heads bobbing up and down to 'Peace Frog' - Blood in the streets it's up to my ankles... What were once friendly fruits are now taunting demons. Demons that must be sacrificed. With a machete in his teeth and dilated pupils, Erik begins to inch his way up the precarious trunk of the tree housing the demon coconuts. But about half way up the tree, the visions begin. Visions of his lanky body tumbling down the tree and onto the blade of his machete. The color red singing to him as Dr. Ramona drags his lifeless corpse away leaving a sticky bloody trail in the sand. Blinking his eyes in an effort to quiet the echoes of a cackling Dr. Ramona, Erik second guesses his skyward climb and instead pushes play on the Blues Traveler in his mind. The scene ends with our defeated ball of hair staring upward and mouthing the words of 'Run Around' right along with the coconut singers... Once upon a midnight dreary, I woke with something in my head...


After a morning of disappointment, our remaining Survivors finally get some good news in the form of a Sprint telephone. Before Theddie can figure out how to turn the damn thing on, Calgon tackles him to the ground and screams, "No! Nooooo!!!" I love it when Calgon gets overtaken by her emotions and hollers things she doesn't mean. It's nice to see her let loose and unleash her violent side, but more on that later. So yeah, these chuckleheads are all a mess of tears and snot at the idea of seeing their loved ones send their stock messages of, "We're so proud of you. Everyone is doing well." Just once I want someone, someone like my mom, to be like, "Your sister has a new boyfriend. Why can't you find a boyfriend? You know, you're the oldest. You should be married already. Are you not giving me grandchildren because I sold your car that one time you went to New York?" Wouldn't a little honesty be refreshing?


Instead we get Mowgli's dad, Calgon's husband, Freebush's husband, Cochran's mom, Theddie's dad and Erik's brother doing that same old same old, "We're so very proud of you." My mother, the modern day Mrs. Bennet, won't be proud until she's married off her three daughters to Russian billionaires and is sipping margaritas from her terrace in San Miguel De Allende. She's a trip (and completely insane), my mother.

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! The Survivors stand on tippy toes bubbling with excitement because they know what's about to happen. Let's trot out your loved ones!


First up is Mowgli's dad, Raymond. Raymond is the man we can all blame for Mowgli being a bore this season. After seeing her behavior on her first season, Raymond advised his daughter to be humble this time around. "Humble" equals "thumping bore" when it comes to Survivor. Thanks for nothing Raymond!


It is here that Dimples sneakily rubs some bengay on his eyes and pretends to cry. Tears equals ratings, baby!


Quick Mark, get a close up!



Next up is Erik's brother Justice. I mean, Richard. Brother! Brother! Brothers gotta hug.


Next we discover that Freebush is married to one of her teenage drive-thru workers. Come on out Jared!


The music then turns wistful and dreamy as Cochran's mom Arlene, with a fabulous pair of silver hoop earrings, embraces her son. Arlene reminds me of that wonderful art teacher we all had in high school. She always wore turquoise jewelry and Birkenstocks while whimsically describing a Vermeer with wild hand gestures. I definitely think Arlene has taken a pottery class. As a matter of fact, she's probably served Cochran cereal in misshapen earthenware bowls since he was a toddler. Precious.


And then we meet my favorite - Big Ed! Big Ed is jovial and funny. He's the life of the party with a heart of gold. In one fell swoop, he lifts up his grown son and smothers him with kisses. I loved it.


Finally, we're about to meet Calgon's husband, Dave. But not before Calgon does that opposite thing again and shrieks "No! Nooo!!! NOOOOO!!!!" into the trees. Dave isn't sure whether to run away or to run into his wife's arms. He opts for running into her arms and for a second I thought we'd get a little make out sesh. Calgon squeezes him tight and writhes against him before remembering she's Mormon and ending the reunion with a simple peck. Buzzkill Calgon!

For today's Challenge, you are going to compete with your loved one. You and your loved one will spin around in circles unscrewing rails. Once you've unscrewed all three rails, you will toss bolos onto them. The first pair to toss three bolos onto their rails wins Reward. The winning pair will get to devour an enormous barbecue feast just feet from your camp. You not only win food, but you win the privilege of rubbing it into the losers faces. Survivors ready, go!

The Challenge begins with Arlene giggling on the breeze and Freebush yelling at her husband to slow down. Erik and his brother quickly take the lead freeing their first rail with Mowgli and Raymond right behind them. The remaining Survivors begin to straggle in with their first rails leaving only Cochran and Arlene back at the start. It is here where Dimples takes his opportunity to hit on Cochran's mom.
"How old you are you Arlene?"
"She's about to turn 64 in a few weeks."
"Looking good, baby!"
"Stop hitting on my mom, Dimples!"


Alright, let's cruise to the end of the Challenge where we have a showdown between Mowgli, Calgon and Freebush. All have two bolos on their rails and it's a race to land the next one. Mowgli, who has been consistently missing her rails, passes her last bolo to Raymond who lands it and MOWGLI WINS REWARD!!!


Now it is Mowgli's chance to pick someone to join her on her Reward. Since Calgon is her best "I lost my teeth in a stank ass pond" friend, she picks Calgon and the four winners are as happy as they can be. But wait, there's more! Here's another Sprint phone and looky inside - more loved ones! For the first time in Survivor history there is a second set of loved ones living inside the phone. We have Cochran's dad, Freebush's son, Erik's other brother Darrell, Theddie's mom, Calgon's best friend and Mowgli's sister. Mowgli, you can choose one other Survivor and their loved one to enjoy a barbecue feast OR you can let all those other schmucks party with BOTH of their loved ones while you watch them from a laughingly close distance. What are you gonna do Mowgli? With Calgon wailing in the background, Mowgli doesn't even blink an eyelash as she decides to let the others have their loved ones.


Mowgli made her own bed and now she has to lie in it. Not only does she have to lie in it, but she has to lie in it while the crazy Mormon by her side completely loses her shit. Yessss! Sophie's Choice meet Psycho. At home I snickered to myself because I knew, I knew, that Calgon's inner demon was reaching its breaking point and I can't wait!


While you all grab your crucifixes and holy water (trust me, you'll need them), let us whisk ourselves to the Duffy offshore. We've got brewskis, some Jimmy Buffet playing and Bubba Cochran on the grill flipping burgers. Just a lazy day enjoying Duffy life. Now, I don't know if you've ever been on a Duffy, but they're like floating patios. They never take you very far and you basically just sit on them and do what could very well be done on your back porch. But they're on the water and that's what makes them neat! I can tell you many a story of sitting 10 feet offshore with a box of wine and some chinese take out. On the water that box is a bottle of Chateau Lafite and the Kung Pao is an exquisite Ming Tsai creation. Everything tastes better on a boat.
(I know Duffy isn't the correct term, but it's what I know and it sounds better than "floating dock")


So while Freebush is frantically reconnecting her umbilical cord to her son and Cochran is mystified by his cool daddy-o, one lady watches it all through gritted teeth from a nearby beach. Her name is Caldracula and not only does she like to pummel inanimate objects with her fists, but she also likes to spit! Toxic lethal venom spit. One drop of it on you and that body part shrivels up, turns to ash, and then falls off. Caldracula doesn't like to have things waved in front of her - things like her husband - only to have them so brutally taken away. Teasing Caldracula like that is a good way to end up with her standing over you clutching a shard of coconut shell as you sleep. She'll just stand there and stare. She won't stab immediately for she likes the anticipation of the kill too much. She likes to watch you inhale and exhale as you dream. When you roll over, her eyes (and the sharpened blade) follow you carefully. She may even let one tiny drop of spittle hit your arm. With a blank stare and a smirk, she'll watch your flesh quietly sizzle as you swat your arm thinking it's a mosquito bite. That moment when you finally flutter your eyes and stretch your arms overhead is when she'll strike. When you're at your most vulnerable is when she'll slice out your eyeballs and pop them into her mouth like candy. And this is why, every so often, go ahead and give in to that demon lurking inside of you. If you deny him pleasure of the drink, of sex, of wild carefree threesomes on a fold out couch, you'll fester, turn acidic and snap like Caldracula did. Your demon is your friend. Remember that.

Speaking of demons, here comes Cochran. While he is thrilled to have spent time with his parents, he is livid that Mowgli was able to appear so selfless to the others. "Likability is a liability," he says. This is very true. But let us ask ourselves, what is more likable than an awkward nerd fumbling his way through surviving on a deserted island? Not much. Not much at all and Cochran is a smart guy, he knows this. There isn't a story throughout the history of time more popular and appealing than the one of an underdog triumphing over adversity. But still, the fact that Mowgli was able to make what he calls a "game changing move" is bothersome to the lad. Furthermore, that sneakily crafty Arlene whispered to Cochran that Mowgli will win this game if sonny boy doesn't do something about it. And quick!


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge, you will be standing on a ledge over the water while holding onto a handle behind your back. That handle is connected to a wench and every so often Dimples will crank his wench (I think it's winch, but wench is funnier) lowering you closer to the water. Last person holding on wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!


Standing at his pirate wheel with a parrot on his shoulder, Dimples cranks his wench as all of the Survivors tilt forward towards the water. Immediately we can see that the shorter you are, the better you'll do. I'm sure there's a scientific principle involving fulcrum and theorems to explain it, but I only need use my own two eyes to see that Little Man Leif would have rocked this Challenge.

In addition to being smaller in stature, triceps would also be an advantage which means Cochran is out first. Not surprisingly, probably because of his weight, we lose Theddie right after. Which, weirdly, leads to Erik throwing the Challenge. As long as Theddie was out, I guess Erik feels safe. And the dominoes continue to fall with Freebush falling next.


We're left with Calgon, Mowgli and Calgon's motherly guilt. She wields that thing like a sword as she tells Mowgli that she doesn't want to hang there all day. Plus! She hasn't won Immunity yet. Mowgli may be a bore and a silly decision maker, but one thing she's not is a quitter. So good for you Mowgli for hanging on. There is nothing worse than someone who quits at Challenges - especially when it is for final 5. Unfortunately for Mowgli, Calgon is shorter and stays up longer. And so, even though Mowgli will later insist she threw the Challenge anyways (she 100% didn't), CALGON WINS IMMUNITY fair and square and without her motherly guilt.

Back at camp, Mowgli is fairly confident that tonight's Tribal Council is as straightforward as they come. The plan will be to get rid of Theddie. But as we already know, Cochran is worried that Mowgli's selfless act could destroy this season long story of David and Goliath that he's been working on. And when something is about to destroy your carefully crafted story, you eliminate it. You highlight that paragraph and you delete it. It may have been a perfectly likable paragraph. Well-written, charming, funny and overflowing with 50 cent words, but if it doesn't bring you to the denouement you have planned, you have no choice but to send it to the trash bin.


But here's the conflict: what if sending the intruder to your perfect story results in making you the tribe bad guy? Cochran will have to play this decision with finesse. First, he meets with Freebush to see what her thoughts are about tonight's vote. Lucky for Cochran, she mentions Mowgli without him having to breathe a syllable of her name. Calgon is a little bit trickier, or is she? While Calgon is extremely loyal to her Golden Girls alliance she is also fearful of having others controlling her game for her. She messed up in the South Pacific by letting Cochran call the shots and let me tell you, she is about to do it all over again. There is no way Calgon wins this game if she is next to Cochran in the finale. Furthermore, he's not a vindictive kind of a guy. Cutting him loose right before the vote probably won't lose her his vote. If Calgon is wise, she'll ditch the ginger fop before the final three. But something, EDITING, tells me she's not going to do that at all.

With only 3 days left in the game, players need to be thinking about every scenario. What happens if Theddie stays and wins? Who does he take to the end? Are you looking at me because I have no idea. I still don't think Theddie knows he's playing a game for money. Erik is a similar mystery. His loyalties are to blotter and Northern Lights, but as far as this game goes, I'm stumped.

And this brings us to Tribal Council. We begin with Calgon and how she feels finally wearing an Immunity necklace. Obviously, she feels grand about it. She can finally breathe without crying and the demon juices within have been satiated for the time being.


Next we turn to Theddie. Delightfully unaware Theddie. He's a hard guy not to like, but he's an even harder guy to root for. Week in and week out, he thinks he's on his way to that frat house we call Ponderosa. Yet, week in and week out, the guy goes nowhere. With some good-natured ribbing from Dimples, Theddie shrugs his shoulders and wonders again if this will be the day to he'll finally be sent packing.


And now it is time to discuss those loved ones and Mowgli's selfless act of generosity. Calgon quickly points out that such an act could definitely buy Mowgli good favor from her peers while Freebush quite simply calls Mowgli a "saint". But when Cochran chimed in saying that voting out Theddie is the easy vote, but not necessarily the smartest, we knew. I knew, you knew, everyone knew! There is no mystery with this vote. Get cozy for at least another night Theddie because Mowgli is the 15th person voted out of Survivor Caramoan.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Did Mowgli make the right decision giving up her Reward? Was Calgon heartless to vote out the girl who saved her teeth? Who do you think will win Survivor Carmoan? More importantly, will Golden Boy wear his hair down at the Reunion? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! I'll see you back here on Monday for my final assault on the season.

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