Thursday, September 26, 2013

National Lampoon's Horrible Vacation


Picture, if you will, an island paradise with crystalline blue waters, gentle breezes and the sound of enormous leaves swaying around you. With the sun warming your skin like a giant hug, you squish the sand between your toes and exhale all of your cares away. This is peace. This is Zen. This is you without a care in the world and only compassion in your heart. Inhaling and exhaling in time with the gently rolling waves, you breathe in love and exhale judgment. Attachment is a thing of the past. The present is a mindful one. Only the majesty of nature and the billions upon billions granules of sand occupy your thoughts. This is how idyllic a life of minimalism and simplicity can be. *sigh* Now, I want you to smash it. I want you to punch that cockamamie fairy tale in the face and shove drain cleaner down its throat. Grab an egret by the neck and swing it forcefully overhead. Pluck the eyeballs out of that Buddha statue in your garden and fill the holes with urine and vomit. Judge the hell out of that coral reef until it turns to ash and sinks like sludge. Anarchy and chaos! Blood and water guts! Bitterness, negativity, vengeance, indulgence... yeah baby! *cackles over an open fire* Rub it all yourself and let the seduction begin. Let's recap, shall we?


We continue our tumultuous Filipino tale with the sun safely tucked away and the darkness all around us. Carefully tiptoeing through the jungle thick, Marissa arrives on Rhode Island (Redemption Island) mumbling under her breath, "Blindside... I can't believe I was blindsided. I didn't deserve no blindside!" Hearing someone approaching, Candice nudges the snoring man-beast next to her and groggily the two stare at the mysterious figure before them. Candice crinkles her brow and says, "Tell us your name again." Marissa drops her satchel in the sand and plops down next to it, "I'm Marissa Frowny Face. Gervase's niece. *sigh* Another blindside!" Frowny (Marissa) proceeds to tell her two new bunkmates about how Gervase pissed off everyone on her tribe with his chart topping hit, 'Don't Let That Fool You, Baby!' Candice, never one to mince words, tells Frowny that the real reason she got voted off was because five minutes into the game she called out Brad in front of everyone. Frowny shrugs off the comment and the three laugh the night away about how much being stuck on Rhode Island sucks. With its 7% sales tax, shopping is such a bitch!


A new day dawns and with it... a conga line! Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga. I know you can't control yourself any longer. Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger. Don't you fight it til you tried it, do the conga beat! Some people wake in the morning all puffy and sad while others rise embracing the day and all the dance opportunities it holds. The WangChung's (Galang) are some such people. They won the last Immunity Challenge. They're on an island paradise. What's not to embrace and love?


I'll tell you what's not to embrace and love... peace and happiness! Fancy Pants (Colton) loathes peace, happiness, babies, ceramic figurines, puppies and, more than anything else, Zen rock gardens. The tribe made one last night during their Joan Baez sing along and now it's blocking Fancy Pants' path to the latrine. Seeing the lovey dovey conga line before him now, he can't take it anymore. He can't! He rips off the friendship bracelets the tribe made during Craft Hour and hurls them, along with the rocks in the Zen garden, into the ocean. He came here to play Survivor, not meditate and braid each other's hair! Since Monica is really the only person giving Fancy Pants the time of day, he whines to her about how he didn't come here to play Red Rover. He came here to crush some skulls and offend new races and religions. You know, fun stuff. Monica tells him that Survivor is a game of patience. They're out there for 39 days and you can't trample through day 2 with guns blazing.

Taking Monica's advice to heart, Fancy Pants tears all the dream catchers down from the shelter and tells Gervase, Aras and Tina that Monica is totally throwing them all under the bus. Aras rolls his eyes and tells Fancy Pants to simmer down. As long as they keep winning Challenges, they don't have to worry about thinking long term just yet. Besides, Laura B. is planning a tie-dye seminar in a few minutes and he doesn't want to be late for it. Exasperated, Fancy Pants says, "I don't care about winning Challenges! I'll voluntarily go to Tribal Council!" Gervase immediately shakes his head and tells him to shut it down and stop talking like that. Colton replies, "I want to talk strategy!" Tina, silent this whole time, finally puts her teeth in and replies, "Ayull tawk 'bout anythin' but Serviver." This woman won a million dollars, folks. A. Million. Dollars.


Over on Benihana (Tadhana), strategy is the talk of the day. Strategy and fishing. It turns out that, in addition to being a mathematics whiz, Brad is quite the fisherman. He fashioned a spear out of some twigs and dental floss and has set himself the task of feeding the entire tribe. While filleting a teddy bear that fell off a Chinese shipping boat, Pythagoras (Brad) tells us, "Give a man 1 fish plus 2 fish and he'll eat 14 fish. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for eleventeen weeks!"

With Pythagoras busy preparing teddy tartare for lunch, Rachel takes a look around her and realizes that being a woman in Benihana means being a minority. She is sure that alliances are forming and that those alliances all have penises in them. There isn't much she can do about that other than be cool with the guys and hope they don't see her as a target. Better yet, she can cozy up to Wifey (John) - he hardly has a penis anyways - and maybe they can make a side alliance. But lurking in the background we find Ciera glaring at Rachel out of the corner of her eye. She doesn't like what she sees so she confides in Katie about her suspicions that Rachel is up to something.


And this brings us to the Rhode Island Ludus where blood will be spilt and dreams will be crushed. We begin today's festivities with both tribes getting a good look at one another. The WangChung's quickly discover that Frowny was voted out at the last Tribal Council. Dimples waits excitedly to see how Gervase will react, but Gervase simply nods and says, "I'm cool." Gervase may be cool, but the womenfolk on his tribe sure aren't. Each and every one of them turn into blubbering fools when they see their respective loved ones safe. Need I remind everyone that they last saw their loved ones YESTERDAY?! Quit your crying and get your damn heads in the game.

Next, Dimples trots in the warriors for today's battle - Candice, Frowny and Grizzly (Rupert). Candice and Grizzly enter the arena stoic with their heads held high while Frowny enters giving her tribe the finger and mooning them. Naturally, Dimples notices and asks her why she's so angry. Frowny states that she shouldn't be there at all and that her tribe should have voted based on performance in the Challenge. She then turns to Gervase and tells him that the reason they voted her out was because he cheered to much and rubbed salt in their wounds. Hearing this, Gervase turns towards the Benihana's and says, "I'm gonna rub some more. I promise you that." Gervase is then given the opportunity to swap with Frowny and take her place in the Challenge (another bloody twist!). He declines and tells Frowny to handle her biz.


For today's Challenge, Survivors must transfer 10 spools of thread through a metal maze so that later Wifey can make us all some bonnets. The first 2 people to transfer their spools and stack them successfully will return to Rhode Island. The 3rd place person will leave the game forever. AND, because we need another twist like a hole in the head, the person who finishes first will be able to give any person on any tribe a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. Survivors ready, go!


With the girls placing their spools gingerly and Grizzly performing like a bull in a china shop, Candice finishes in first place with Frowny finishing second. Naturally, Candice gives Wifey the clue for the Hidden Immunity Idol and, naturally, he bursts into tears and pops some Midol. And so, for the 20th time and hopefully the last, we say goodbye to Grizzly. Please don't ever play again. Please! I beg you.


Back at Benihana, the new twist reveal has gotten Yogi Vytas to think a little differently about the game. He gathers up his fellow "Dudes" and tells them that, from now on, they should evict the person whose loved one has the highest chance of swapping. For some reason, they come to the conclusion that that person would be Tyson. I'm left scratching my head over this because I know Tyson to be a cutthroat player who isn't too concerned about making friends in the game. There must be something behind the scenes that we aren't privy to. Anyhow, hearing that the Dudes want to target Rachel next doesn't sit well with Wifey for two reasons. Reason #1: He has a side alliance with her. Reason #2: If Tyson does indeed swap, he could beat Candice in the Rhode Island duel and send her home!


Over at WangChung, a melancholy lute plays as the tribe is busy consoling Laura B. and showering her with all sorts of feelings like sympathy, empathy and kindness. As we know, those three words might as well be Ebonics for our Fancy Pants. He watches in horror as Laura B. insists that she's fine. She doesn't have the joy of playing with her husband anymore, but she also doesn't have the preoccupation of worrying about him all the time. Fancy Pants rolls his eyes loudly enough for everyone to hear and swishes his scarf around his neck. Come hell or high water, he'll squash this love fest and put an end to the campfire chats.

With a plan hatched to make everyone miserable, Fancy Pants tells Gervase how Medusa (Laura) is such a huge threat in the game and needs to go first. He then tells Monica that Tyson and his buddies are after her. Finally, he goes to Tina and tells her that Gervase wants to get rid of Aras, but is scared to write down his name. Satisfied that he has stirred up enough shit to kill every ounce of happiness in the tribe, Fancy Pants sits atop a rock and looks down at the anxiety-stricken faces in his camp. When the anger and mistrust takes ahold is when he'll sweep in and take charge of the chaos.


Unbeknownst to Fancy Pants, there is a teeny tiny wrinkly problem with his plan - Tina! Tina may have won Survivor before, but she's getting on in years. She wears one of those Life Alert necklaces, occasionally forgets to take her Boniva and finds that controlling her bladder gets harder and harder everyday. When CBS called and offered her the trip of a lifetime again, she thought they were talking about that lovely "resort" Katie tried to check her into earlier last year. The one with all the nurses and soft mashed foods on the menu. All this talk about strategy is confusing to someone excitedly waiting for the next game of Bingo. Frustrated and confused, Tina tells KitKat (Kat) that she doesn't like how Fancy Pants keeps talking strategy with her. All she wants from Fancy Pants are the times for the next showing of Cocoon.


KitKat, who has played with Fancy Pants before and loathed every second of it, wants to keep Fancy Pants on her side this time around. She tells Fancy Pants that Tina is beginning to freak out a little bit over how much he talks game and thinks he is over-strategizing. Hearing this, Fancy Pants demands, "What did Tina say?!" KitKat smiles to herself and replies, "See? The fact that you want to know so much what she told me means that you told her something you didn't want getting back to me." Frankly, I'm a little surprised (and thrilled!) at KitKat's gumption. One person who is not thrilled is Fancy Pants. He jumps up and demands that KitKat tells him what Tina said or else he'll go get Tina and ask her himself. KitKat pleads, "Noooo. Don't make a big deal out of this."

Too late, KitKat. You gave Fancy Pants a chance to make some drama and he snatched it up. Fancy Pants then grabs Tina and insists that she tell him what they were talking about. Tina replies, "I like peas." Fancy Pants says, "That's not what I said to you!" KitKat says that Tina thought he was playing too hard too fast. Now angry (Or delighted. I can't tell.), Fancy Pants tells KitKat that she needs to calm down because if she doesn't, she'll find herself on Rhode Island. Tina listens to all of this and shakes her head sadly, "No peas?"


With everyone back sitting around the campfire, Fancy Pants wants to have a little meeting and address the Tina/KitKat situation. Hold that thought, Fancy Pants. We have something much more important to tend to. Why does Aras have his elbows wrapped around Tyson's knees as Tyson gently nuzzles his neck and whispers sweet nothings into his ear? I understand missing companionship and I'm sure the moon and the campfire and all that crap can cast quite the romantic spell on a person, but is this a little odd to anyone else? Please, please, please let this end in a gay cheating scandal!


Dear 6lb 11oz baby Jesus, I know I don't really believe in you and I turn to you only when I need something, but trust me when I say I'm being totally selfless here. I'm thinking of Survivor fans everywhere who will be tickled pink at the idea of Tyson leaving his girlfriend for Aras. In Jesus name we pray. And justice for all. Thank you. 

So, while Tyson and Aras are canoodling under the stars, Fancy Pants is trying to convince everyone that he's not trying to be a little bitch. Aras, however, tells Fancy Pants that nothing he says matters to anyone in the camp. Aras just wants a peaceful camp, a homoerotic rubdown, to win some Challenges and for Medusa to teach him how to do French braids tomorrow. Hearing this, Fancy Pants pouts, storms off and sacrifices a goat in hopes that they lose the Immunity Challenge tomorrow.


Morning arrives and Fancy Pants is wondering to himself why everyone seems so sketchy today. Earlier he saw Aras and Tyson sneak off together to "go get some water" and now no one else in camp will really look or talk to him. He asks Monica if he's going to be in trouble at the next Tribal Council and Monica assures him that he won't be. Speaking of Monica, she likes Fancy Pants but this time she's going to play Survivor for her. Mediocre Monica from One World, the one who apparently is a shape shifter and used to be a snake, doesn't exist anymore. Shiny new Monica who rubs suntan lotion on Fancy Pants is here now. Be skerred!


So, new and improved Monica joins Tyson, Aras, Gervase and Tina and they discuss how Fancy Pants is totally spreading lies. Tyson tells the group that if Fancy Pants ever says one of them are turning against one another, they need to ask each other about it immediately. Aras then says, "Fancy Pants is a bully! He's the gay Russell Hantz!" Ugh. Aras just invoked two things I never want to hear again for the rest of my life. #1 - the word "bully" which everyone needs to stop saying right now. Go to your dictionaries and scratch it out. If ever you find yourself calling someone a bully, go get one of those "Hello My Name Is..." stickers and write down the word "PUSSY." #2 - Russell Hantz. This guy is a major douche canoe and we needn't ever mutter his name again.


After everyone finishes getting out all their icky feelings, they decide that they might as well all be in an alliance with each other. I'm going to call it the "Geezers Alliance" only because Monica pretty much called them all old people when she said they had wisdom due to all their life experiences. And if you know anything about old people, then you know how forgetful they are. The Geezers can't even remember what cheer they're going to use so Aras suggests that they don't say anything at all. On three! 1-2-3... don't say anything!


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge, three members of each tribe will be tied together while rolling another person in a barrel up on Boo Radley's porch. Once you get on Boo Radley's porch, you'll play some Skee Ball. The first person to get all six balls in their holes wins Immunity and a giant fishing kit. The WangChungs have one too many people so they choose to sit out KitKat. Survivors ready, go!


The Challenge begins with the role of Scout Finch being played by both Katie and Medusa today. Roll, roll, roll, kerplunk! With hair whipping and legs bent awkwardly the women arrive at their numerous flag stations, crawl dizzily out of their barrels and successfully snatch their bags. Neck in neck, the tribes arrive at the Skee Ball lanes and it's Gervase v. HayDouche (Hayden). Big Brother fans will remember that this challenge is reminiscent of a little game someone very disturbing named "Corn Hole." HayDouche, himself, is an adept Corn Hole player so this is his game to lose. With the scored tied 5-5 and the tension rising, the music begins to pulsate. Gervase readies himself and releases his ball... SCORE! WANGCHUNGS WIN IMMUNITY!!!


Naturally, Gervase being Gervase, he busts a move and dedicates his win to FROWNYYYYY!!!

Back at Benihana, the mood is remarkably upbeat. Yogi Vytas is congratulating everyone for coming back when they were behind. Normally, I would abhor this sort of reaffirming goody goody talk, but I forgive it coming from Yogi Vytas. As a bit of a yogini myself, I enjoy the quiet serenity Mr. Trainspotting gives off. He is graceful and mature, calm and unflappable. Like, he's been through things and he's come out the other side. Sure, I occasionally look for track marks on his arms whenever he's on the screen, but that's part of his charm! Plus, he sent me a tweet and you know I'm a sucker for a tweet from a Survivor. I'm easy like that.


Conversely, we have Pythagoras. Pythagoras not only likes himself a toga party, but he's down for busting heads and kicking some ass - specifically, Gervase's head and ass. Gervase's cheering really chapped Pythagoras' ass and now he wants that Challenge where he gets to take Gervase and smash him head first into the water. I think he's talking about that Challenge where they launch balls and then fight each other to get them. OR he simply invented a Challenge where Dimples says, "Survivors ready, go!" and it's Fight Club. Prison rules (Yogi Vytas would totally win!). Who knows. All I know is that the rest of the Benihana's are giving Pythagoras the side eye and wondering if he's related to a Hantz.

The Dudes steal away and Pythagoras is totally onboard to get rid of Rachel. Wifey, however, begins to stutter and make excuses for reasons she should stay. He is doing anything he can to prevent Candice having to face Tyson in a Rhode Island duel. Listening to all of this, Yogi Vytas begins to doubt Wifey's loyalties to the Dudes. He doesn't care for Wifey's loyalty to Rachel and wonders if it trumps his loyalty to the Dudes. Yogi Vytas takes it upon himself to do a little recon and see what Wifey has told the others about the votes tonight. Katie tells Yogi point blank that Wifey won't get rid of Rachel. Is Katie lying to save herself? I'm not sure. All I know is that Yogi Vytas comes up with a genius plan to get rid of Wifey instead.


With Wifey stealing away to search for the Idol and his extreme hesitancy to get rid of Rachel, Yogi Vytas is beginning to have abdominal cramp flashbacks. He takes his concerns to HayDouche and Caleb where the three of them agree that something about Wifey isn't all that trustworthy. Not only has he not made a pie in days, but he probably won't tell them when and if he finds the Hidden Immunity Idol. Yogi Vytas doesn't really want to be the one to break up the Dudes, but maybe it's better to blindside Wifey now??? (YES!)


And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples, in a light and summery sky blue, immediately brings up the fact the number of men v. women in the tribe is unbalanced. Ciera admits that it concerns her especially when the Dudes go off together to have their meetings. HayDouche giggles to himself which prompts Dimples to ask him why he's smiling. HayDouche replies by shooting a snot rocket into Dimples' lap and scratching himself.

Dimples, not taking his eyes off of the offending booger that now sits on his lap, asks Caleb if it is fair to put an X on Wifey because he now has the clue for the Hidden Immunity Idol. Caleb replies that it is totally fair because if you look at the history of Idols in the game in the Survivor (*sigh* Golden Boy), they are serious game changers. Then Pythagoras, camera hungry Pythagoras, interrupts and adds that Wifey may already have the Idol tucked away in his apron.


The conversation then turns to the many many layers involved in placing a vote this season. I'm not going to lie - I hate Rhode Island, I hate the neverending twists, I hate that I have to look at HayDouche's face every week and I hate that things didn't go my way tonight. Yup, that's right, Rachel is the 2nd person voted out of Survivor: Blood V. Water.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Will the boredom of everyone getting along cause Fancy Pants to quit? Will Tyson actually take Rachel's place? Better yet, will Aras beg him not to? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!