Thursday, October 3, 2013

Who Wants To Take A Lick?


There are times in life where the proverbial light bulb switches on overhead and suddenly everything makes sense. All the puzzle pieces line up and an image begins to form. Today, that image is of a sniveling spoiled brat who didn't get his way so he cried wee wee wee all the way home. Soft and pink, squidgy and moist, the madras wearing fop has been running from life's curve balls ever since the moment he could form complete sentences. When the three syllable word came up in that spelling bee in 2nd grade, he quickly clutched his sides and muttered, "I think it's the rabies!" When it was down to him and his nemesis for class president and the votes weren't going his way, he collapsed in phony agony and cried, "My ovarian cysts!" When the letter from the prestigious university arrived and the first sentence read, "We regret to inform you...", he grabbed his ankle, hobbled out of the room and moaned, "These anal fissures are killing me!" And so it was for the Survivor no one wanted. His parents learned to accept it and look the other way. They chalked it up to a flair for the dramatic and hoped one day their son would be a great stage actress like the Dame Reynold. That, or a con artist grifter on the lam. Either or. Let's recap, shall we?


We continue our flamboyant Filipino tale just as the sun is peeking over the horizon and making her presence known. Her warmth caresses and gently nudges the WangChung's (Galang) awake asking them to prepare for the day. It is here that angular string bean Tyson slides on his dungarees to reveal a most succulent adornment... a cupcake belt. He found it one weekend while antiquing along Salt Lake City's Interstate 15. It was just sitting there all by itself in between the Nutter Butter's and the prophylactics, but the second Tyson laid eyes on it, he knew he had to have it. The cupcake symbolizes innocence, joy and merriment. Unless your name is Aras. If your name is Aras, the cupcake is an evil temptress meant to entice and tease.

Unable to stop the drool from spilling out of the corners of his mouth, Aras flees the camp in an effort to collect himself and get his head back into the game and off of Tyson's "cupcake holder". In doing so, he stumbles over a large branch and finds himself face to face with none other than Fancy Pants (Colton). With a furrow in his brow and a strange look of boredom on his face, Fancy Pants asks Aras if his future in the game is looking a little less than rosy. Aras shrugs his shoulders and pats Fancy Pants on the back, "Yeah, but just enjoy yourself. You never know when someone will do something stupid." Fancy Pants sighs as his lips form an angry thin line. This is not the reply he wanted to hear.


And this brings us to Rhode Island (Redemption Island). The outcasts, shuffling in their leg irons, are marched in one behind the other. Candice, Frowny (Marissa) and Rachel enter the arena with their heads down as Tyson looks on lost in a sneer. Tyson is no fool and immediately he knows that Rachel was voted out in an effort to get him to take her place and move to Rhode Island. Rachel confirms Tyson's suspicions and says that everyone is falling under Pythagoras' (Brad) spell. Hearing this, Tyson turns toward the Benihana's (Tadhana) and delivers a warning, "Watch out because if you see me in Rhode Island, none of you have a chance in hell."

Pythagoras, sitting quietly, smiles smugly to himself which immediately sets off Tyson. He points accusingly in Pythagoras' direction as Pythagoras espouses how hard it is to vote someone out week after week knowing a loved one will be upset over it. Unable to keep her mouth shut any longer, Frowny jumps in and yells at Pythagoras for playing the game so stupidly by repeatedly voting out strong players instead of weak ones. Pythagoras shrugs his shoulders with a cocky smirk, "It's Survivor, baby." Oh no he di'in't. Oh yes he did! The ticking time bomb that is Frowny can't hold it in any longer and she screams, "Fuck you Brad Culpepper!" In the stands, Monica winces and crawls under her seat as Gervase nervously yells, "Frowny, tone it down!"


Meanwhile, a powdered man-boy softly sniffles to himself and dabs at nonexistent tears with a lace handkerchief. When he doesn't get a reaction from the crowd, he sniffles even louder causing Dimples to sigh and reluctantly ask Fancy Pants, "What are you crying about?" Fancy Pants replies, "I don't want to be here anymore." Dimples rolls his eyes giving way to the following exchange...


"You're quitting again?"
"I can't do this."
"You came back a second time because you said you changed. You're doing the exact opposite!"
"I don't care about this tribe. I want them all to die."
"Well, that's clear because you're punishing them by costing them a tribe member in a game about numbers."
"Well, maybe that's the best move for me."
"A very SELFISH move."
"Well... I peed in the water supply and took a dump in Gervase's shoes so I think I should probably go home now. I had typhoid fever once during a game of dodge ball and I really don't want to get it again."
"So this is you quitting a second time? The first time was when you feigned appendicitis, but you didn't have it. You want to own that one now?"
*bites fist... oh snap!*
"I don't know what it was. Appendicitis, a bacterial infection, a mosquito bite..."

Tina then opens her mouth and tries to contribute, "Mwarm mwah mwyum." Oh dear, Tina forgot her teeth again. Long story short, Fancy Pants knows he doesn't have a black person's chance at a KKK rally to win this game so instead of sitting around waiting to be voted out, he'd rather sit on his Restoration Hardware sofa and thumb through the new Brooks Brothers catalog. Dimples, who has hopefully learned his lesson on stunt casting, points Fancy Pants in the direction of the exit sign. Good riddance!


Fancy Pants may have sashayed his way out of the game, but we've still got a Rhode Island fight to the death to get to. For today's Challenge, you will stack a bunch of dominoes, knock them over, release a ball and smash a plate. The last one to smash their plate is out of the game forever. Candice, the challenge dominator, once again smokes her competition and finishes in first place and once again rewards Wifey (John) with another clue for the Hidden Immunity Idol. After a tense stand off between Frowny and Rachel, with lots of false starts are redo's, Frowny narrowly edges out Rachel and is safe! This means we must bid adieu to Rachel. Rachel, we hardly knew ye. Later!


Back at camp, the WangChung's sympathetically pat Tyson on the back and mourn the loss of Rachel. Did she die? No. Does she have the typhoid Fancy Pants planted at camp? No. Nonetheless! Tyson is suddenly a sniffling puddle of a tears. OK, so I need to interject here. This new soft Tyson is not the Tyson of yesteryear. This new cupcake wearing Tyson has feelings and things and I don't like it. I tell you, I don't like it! Fancy Pants may have been wrong about a lot of things, but one thing he was right about was wanting to play the game. Come on WangChungs! You're an embarrassment to your fellow Survivor alumni sitting at home all pissed off they didn't get invited back. Hug and rub each other on your own time not on my time.


Meanwhile at Benihana, the tribe is shaking their heads and musing over what just happened at Rhode Island. Pythagoras then asks the group, "Am I being a tyrant?" The Benihana's all look at the ground and awkwardly kick the sand around, "No, not at all. What? Tyrant? Who?"

With nothing much to do but laze around and keep the fire lit, Wifey decides that now is the time to try to find that pesky Hidden Immunity Idol again. The first clue, with exact latitude and longitude points, was way too vague so maybe the new clue will steer him in the right direction. Wifey steals away into the trees, trips over a ceramic necklace with the face of a Filipino warrior and opens up his second clue... Look down you moron! Wifey scratches his head and talks to himself, "Look down, look down... like down under the water? Down where?!" Realizing that he'll never find the Hidden Immunity Idol all on his own, Wifey whispers the clues to Pythagoras and asks him where he thinks the Idol might be hiding. Pythagoras jumps up to help Wifey search for the Idol, but Wifey quickly stops him and says, "Oh no, I don't want you to help me. I just want you to tell me. You stay here. I'll go find it." Hearing this, Pythagoras begins to wonder to himself if he can really trust Wifey. Is Wifey one of his guys or is Wifey a shady pie baker waiting for his lady to return to the game?


Later on in the day, both tribes collect their Tree Mail and discover that they will be going head to head with their loved ones in a gladiator style duel to the death. The WangChung's gasp with excitement and giggle at the idea of beating up their loved ones. But over at Benihana the mood is quite different. Yogi Vytas hears the Tree Mail and nervously asks Pythagoras to spar with him in preparation for the Challenge. As we learned when the season began, Yogi Vytas and Aras have a complicated sibling rivalry that stems from Aras being the Golden Child who is loved and adored by his parents and Yogi Vytas being the back alley junkie who was locked out of the house on a regular basis. Nothing would make Yogi Vytas happier than finally shoving Aras on his ass and, fingers crossed, knocking out a few of his teeth to boot!


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge you will battle one on one... Sumo style! You will use a bag to knock your opponent into the water before a mischievous Hawkman begins to play with his remote control and tilt the both of you into the deep abyss. The first tribe to five points wins Immunity and a Reward of comfort - a tarp, pillows, blankets and a mosquito net. Survivors ready, go!


The battles begin as both tribes manage to score back and forth, back and forth, in the first rounds. As the balance in the scoring continues to shift so does the familial tension. Tina is positively gum smacking giddy when Laura B. shoves her daughter Katie into the water while Yogi Vytas fist pumps excitedly watching Wifey push Aras off the platform.


But it is during HayDouche (Hayden) V. Tyson do we get a visit from a long time friend. Say hello to Dr. Ramona, bitches! Dr. Ramona is a Survivor favorite who, with one word, can ruin lives and destroy dreams. Will she do it again today? *shrugs shoulders* Ouch! Speaking of shoulders, HayDouche bulldozed Tyson into the water dislocating Tyson's shoulder in the process. Tyson immediately tossed up his white flag and was ready to be done with Survivor once and for all. Dr. Ramona, however, has a different recommendation, "It's goord yew dislocayterd youra sholda becawrz nowr yew'll have betta rayenge uf moition." (The Australian accent is a complicated mystery.) In other words, Tyson, take back your white flag. You can still play.


With a score of 3-2 and the Benihana's in the lead, we finally get that family face off we've been waiting for. Next up is Tina V. Katie. Tina is wrinkly and shaky on spindly legs, but she's a tough old broad. Katie, on the other hand, has youth and resentment on her side... "You wouldn't let me go to the Fall Out Boy concert with my friends!" The battle begins as mother and daughter stare into each other's eyes. Tina flips her teeth upside down and goes cross eyed causing Katie to burst into giggles and giving Tina the opening she was hoping for. Whoosh! Buh bye Katie. The score is now 3-3.



Next up is the battle we've all been waiting for. Brother V. Brother. Aras V. Yogi Vytas. For this duel, the Hawkman shows no mercy. He demands a good fight and will do anything possible to ensure he gets it.


With the platform twisting and turning and the spikes coming and going, the brothers push and shove with brute force. With the Hawkman cackling in the background, the brothers come to a standstill as Aras kneels on top of Yogi. Aras, being the good brother, decides to let Yogi get to his feet and collect himself. Yogi, the evil brother, decides instead to lunge at Aras' legs and take him by surprise. It was a sneaky move, but as we all know good will always triumph over evil and Vytas will still be locked out of the house. With that said, Aras wins the point and the score is now 4-3.


Last up is another mother/daughter combo - Medusa (Laura) V. Ciera. Medusa readies herself in front of her daughter and wipes away a stray tear. Dimples quickly lowers his hand and shouts, "Go!" With a shove and a cry, "You made me a grandmother at 39, you little trollop!!!", Medusa wins the point and WANGCHUNG WINS IMMUNITY!!!


Back at Benihana the mood is mopey and morose. The tribe is regretting some of the choices they made while Yogi Vytas trembles with the shakes and wonders to himself if poppies grow in The Philippines. In an effort to get his tribe back on track, Pythagoras pulls the Dudes aside for a Dude meeting where the manly men discuss who is going home next. Wifey has extremely strong feelings about Katie and is pissed off that she not only lost to her 60 year old mother, but giggled after she lost. Giggled! The nerve! On the other hand, Katie does help Wifey out in the kitchen while Ciera sits on her ass and does nothing. Those pies aren't going to bake themselves, you know. Yogi, defeated and depressed, shrugs his shoulders and mumbles, "I don't care who goes home."

Ultimately, the Dudes decide that Ciera will be going home tonight. But for now, for the rest of the afternoon, they'll enjoy themselves and not worry about a thing. With a coconut cream pie (shaved coconut inside of a coconut shell and topped with foamy sea water) in the oven and nothing else to do, Wifey decides to go hunting for the Hidden Immunity Idol again. But the second Wifey steals away, Pythagoras whispers to the rest of the Dudes that Wifey is the one who needs to go home tonight. He reasons that Candice is killing it at Rhode Island and if she rejoins the game with Wifey and his Idol, then it could be mean big trouble for all of them down the road. Pythagoras will no longer have control over Wifey. Candice will!

Armed with his plans for a colossal blindside, Pythagoras skips over to the girls and tells them that unless they vote for Wifey tonight, then one of them will be going home. The girls' silence and uneasy shiftiness only fuels Pythagoras' ego even more. When that pesky pride starts churning in your belly you tend to burp out hasty and stinky things. And this is exactly what happens to Pythagoras. With his chest puffed out and his scheme to get rid of Wifey going according to plan, Pythagoras then tells the girls that he'll just go ahead and throw a vote in Wifey's direction in case he comes back into the game later on down the road.

Quietly listening to all of this is Yogi Vytas. Yogi is a smart and articulate guy. He's crafty too - most criminals are. So when Yogi comes up with the idea to get rid of Pythagoras instead of Wifey, I cheered him on and tapped a vein in solidarity. This is going to be so exciting! Yogi will slither and scheme. He'll avoid tripping any alarms and finally- finally! - he'll succeed at something his brother would have never conceived. Patiently, I watched Yogi workshop his idea to get rid of Pythagoras to the girls. Naturally, the girls are ecstatic. They can't stand Pythagoras and would love nothing more than to blindside his ass out of the game. Conversely, when he mentions the idea to his fellow Dudes, they are noncommittal and vague.

(Cain Leads Abel To His Death by James Tissot)

Yogi then does what I suspect he's done all his life... he second guesses himself. His inner monologue might have gone something like, "Oh, who am I kidding? I can never pull this off. Aras would be able to pull it off. Aras is perfect! Perfect and shiny and golden. God, I hate him. I HATE HIM!!!" And then Vytas threw in the towel, gathered his belongings and headed to Tribal Council.


And voila! Here we are at Tribal. Dimples begins by pointing and laughing at the Benihana's for losing yet again for a third time. He also points out how the men were the only people to score in the Flash Gordon Challenge. Dimples asks Wifey if this was a factor in deciding who to vote out tonight. Wifey nods that it is definitely a factor. He's a brawny dude who knows his way around an Easy Bake Oven. It would be hard for any girl to go up against that.

Dimples then turns to the girls and gleefully points out how both of them got their asses kicked by the crotchety old mothers. Katie sighs and says it was frustrating as Ciera nods and agrees that it was totally embarrassing.

The conversation then shifts to how the men seem to be in control of the tribe and how the women are being picked off one by one. Yogi Vytas, with his eyes shining in the firelight, comments that actually the tribe dynamics aren't as simple as men versus women. Trust is the currency of the day, not sex. It's hard not to like Yogi Vytas in moments like these... moments where he is strong in his conviction and eloquent. If we could only smoosh that little devil sitting on his shoulder like Tina smooshed her daughter back in the Challenge, we could have a new shiny golden Baskauskas brother not called Aras.

We then turn our attention to Pythagoras, back from his summer stock appearance in Show Boat, who is more than happy to take all the credit for being the tribe kingpin. But, you know Dimples, being a kingpin isn't all it's cracked up to be. It makes you sensitive, it makes you a target, and it makes you wear your baseball cap backwards even though you're like in your 40's.


Alright, enough of this. Let's get to the vote! By a vote of Key Lime to Pumpkin, Wifey is the 3rd person voted out of Survivor: Blood V. Water.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Will CBS ever stop its stunt casting (HA!)? Why is Tyson so hormonal this season? Will Yogi Vytas ever follow through with one of his plans? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!