Thursday, October 17, 2013

Balls To The Wall

With All Hallows' Eve quickly approaching, it is only fitting that the creepy crawlies drop their masks and come out to play. They've always been here lurking in the corners watching our every move. Covered in drool, they hide their snorts and wait for the harvest season to end. They wait for their that one time of year when the darkness (née "winter") begins. These impatient soulless beings move from their corners to under your bed. They slither up beneath your covers and wrap their tentacles around your sleeping form. You kick and wrestle, but they are here to stay, my friends. With rings under your eyes and frustration in your heart, you carry these parasites with you until the final Hallowmas bell tolls on November 2nd and beckons them back beneath the floorboards. Until then... A soul cake, a soul cake... Please good missus, a soul cake... An apple, a pear, a plum or a cherry... Any good thing to make us all merry. Let's recap, shall we?

We continue our tawdry tropical tale at Benihana (Tadhana) with the moon full and our stomachs empty. A slow dimwitted boulder of a man, HayDouche (Hayden), stands lost and forlorn. He scratches both his balls and his head at the same time wondering what the hell just happened. One second he was bro-ing down with his Dudes and the next second his main Dude was sent packing. How the...? What the...? Who the...? So many questions, so little time to catch him up on how addition and subtraction works. And so, with a big question mark dangling overhead, HayDouche announces, "Tushie!" (I think he meant touché) Throwing around French words time and again is HayDouche's way of exercising his brain parts. Sometimes it works out for him and sometimes it can get a little awkward... like that one time he was standing in line to use a urinal and announced, "Après moi, we douche!"

Meanwhile on Rhode Island (Redemption Island) a similarly awkward scene is taking place. Pythagorus (Brad) was voted out at the last Tribal Council and is now trundling his way into his new home. Lugging his belongings in his little red wagon, Pythagorus knocks over the 'Do Not Disturb' sign hanging outside the rickety shelter where two sleeping forms lie in a compromising position. Candice of the Woodcocks and her submissive, Wifey (John), were dabbling in some light BDSM earlier and now we find Wifey bent over with a rock gag in his mouth and a wooden umm apparatus in his uhhh... well, you get the picture.

Paying no mind to the muffled Wifey who is simultaneously wincing and grinning, Pythagorus leans over him to shake Candice's hand, "Hey guys, I'm waving a white flag. It's a game. I apologize for... whatever. Quite frankly, I'm just glad I'm not going to get abused at Rhode Island anymore." Just wait until the sun rises and reveals Candice's chest of woodcocks. You don't know what abuse is!

Slithering deeper into the thick of night, we find ourselves at WangChung (Galang) amidst some uncharacteristic caresses and moans. Is it Cupcake (Tyson) and Aras in another one of their nuzzling embraces? Could it be KitKat (Kat) snuggling up to a large tree trunk thinking it's HayDouche? No and no. It is Medusa (Laura M.) and she is squishing her bosoms into Aras while kneading his shoulders with vim and vigor. Breathily, she coos into his ear, "You have a nice ass... I mean, lats! Lats! You have nice lats. You know, shoulders? The things on top of your arms." Medusa's hands then slide down the length of Aras' back to cup his "lats" good and firm. "Hmm yeahhhh," Medusa continues, "Grrrreat lats."

Laura B., a student of the game learning what she can from her tribe mates, then raises up her blanket to reveal her milky unshaven thighs, "Pssst Gervase, I've got room in my blankie. Wanna share?" Gervase panics and looks from Laura B., now with her tie-dyed tankini strap dropped over one shoulder, to Medusa ferociously squeezing Aras' "lats." Gervase stutters, "Uhh umm I'm OK right here." Laura B. winks at him coyly, "Well, the blankie is here if you need it. For future reference. Right here, Sexual Chocolate." The night ends with Gervase wide awake clutching his knees slowly rocking back and forth, "No blankie, no blankie, no blankie..."

The next day, bright and early, we find ourselves at the Rhode Island arena awaiting another battle. As the Benihana's march in, Dimples twirls his mustache and points out to Monica that her hubby, Pythagoras, was voted out at the last Tribal Council. While Dimples waits for the compulsory tears to fall, Creepy Creepster Laura B., desperate to make any sort of friend, awkwardly reaches over to caress Monica's thigh. Paying no mind to Creepster's creeping, Monica slowly wipes a tear off her cheek and sniffles quietly to herself as the victims are brought in one after the other.

Immediately and without haste, Monica asks Pythagoras if she can take his spot on Rhode Island...

"Can I take your spot?"
"Monica, you're a rock."
"I adore you."
"No, I adore YOU!"
"I just want to say that I'm not here cuz I'm a jerk."
"Monica, shut it! I just want to say that I have never shushed a woman and I am NOT a jerk."
*Pythagoras then turns his baseball cap, the one with the letters J-E-R-K stitched on the front, backwards*

Delighted and clapping his hands, Dimples points out that the reason everyone thinks Pythagoras is a jerk is because of Candice of the Woodcocks. He also points out, in that very bitchy Dimples way he has, that Candice has yet to spend time, any time at all, at either one of the tribes in this game. In response, Candice crosses her arms over her chest and mumbles, "Well, I've heard things." Up in the bleachers Monica sniffles, "Candice, you hurt my feelings when you called Jerkface, I mean Pythagoras, names." Candice snorts in reply, "Well, YOU hurt MY feelings when you wrote my name down and voted me out. So there!" It was all very dignified and mature... and awesome!

Ok scallywags, let's get to the duel. For today's Challenge, you will take apart a crate and use the planks to build a bridge. After you've completed your bridge, you will take the bridge apart and use the planks to solve a puzzle. The first two people to finish will stay in the game. The last loser-y sucker will go home forever. Survivors ready, go!

The Challenge begins with Candice of the Woodcocks quickly and easily gaining an impressive lead while the two men lagged behind and struggled to get their pieces into place. But then, out of nowhere, Wifey places plank after plank and whizzes past his Dom, through the puzzle building phase, and into first place. It is now down to Candice and Pythagoras. The music thumps louder as the fans in the stands weirdly begin to shout in favor of Pythagoras. It is down to one plank for both of the remaining duelers and, honestly, I couldn't decide who to root for. In the end, it didn't matter who I chose because, before I knew it, Pythagoras flips his final plank and finishes. So long Candice of the Woodcocks. You're outta here!

Through tears and sniffles, Wifey again has to decide whom to give the Hidden Immunity Idol clue to. Since Candice is no longer there to guide him, Wifey once again gives the clue to Monica who, once again, throws it into the fire. You know this chaps the Survivor producers asses. They love having an Idol in play but that crazy Monica keeps burning them up! As HayDouche would say, "C'est la feet!"

Speaking of feet, back at Benihana, Katie's are falling off. It seems she has caught the leprosy and now, one by one, her little piggies are crusting over, turning black and breaking off all over camp... This little piggy looks like nougat, this little piggy turned to foam, this little piggy crinkles like a leaf, this little piggy shrivels in the sun. And this little piggy went wee wee wee... until it was none. Katie, you are not alone for I, too, once had the leprosy. Actually, I didn't, but my mother made me think I did and that is much worse. When I was a wee little lass around the age of 6, I had a rash on my arm that itched and itched. Naturally, I scratched it day and night. I asked my mother, the woman I looked to for guidance and nurturing, what was wrong with my arm. My mother replied, "It's leprosy." So, the next day, there I am in school, in my little plaid uniform holding my crusty red arm up to a nun and proudly declaring, "Look, I have leprosy!" Yes, gentle readers, my mother is a sadistic evil woman who takes great pleasure in humiliating me whenever possible. Forgive me, Katie, but it is the deep scars given to me by my cruel and wicked mother that forces me to bestow upon you the following nickname... sorry, Crusty.

So, with Crusty busy chasing down her toenails and phalanges, Yogi Vytas decides that it is time to try to feel out Caleb and find out exactly where his head it at in the game. If you'll remember, it was Caleb who went against the Dude alliance last week and staged the coup that got rid of Pythagoras. The question on everyone's mind now is - where do Caleb's loyalties lie? Will he side with the remaining Dudes (HayDouche and Yogi)? Or will he flip and join Ciera and Crusty?

Yogi knows he could be in trouble if Caleb chooses to join the girls so he decides to take Caleb out fishing for a little bonding time to try woo him back to the Dudes. Out on the water with the waves gently lapping all around them, Yogi finally breaks the awkward silence, "That RuPaul is quite the guy, isn't he?" Caleb, not saying a word, slowly gives Yogi the side-eye. "Yeah, I like him. And sequins. Yeah, sequins can be cool too. Umm what else? That Modern Family is a good show, right? I think all men should be allowed to adopt babies." The silence grows louder as Caleb sighs and stares out over the horizon. "So, do you exfoliate? You have great skin. I need a lot of exfoliating." Caleb, with a face unmoving, maintains his stony silence. Yogi Vytas clears his throat awkwardly, "I knew a gay guy once. He was this junkie who used to... Oh wait, never mind. So, do you like Adam Lambert?"

I wish I could give you 2 snaps and a twist for effort, Yogi, but that was pathetic. Pathetic! Caleb is a bear. You're supposed to talk to him about motorcycles and facial hair and leather caps not sequins and RuPaul! Yogi, I think you need to regroup and try again. How about a little Vinyasa to loosen up the joints and bring some awareness to the situation at hand?

A gentle twist is great for squishing out all those uncertainties and self doubts.

Follow it with an inversion and let the blood rush to your head. You might be surprised to find your creativity and intellect recharged with new and innovative ideas.

See?! What did I tell you? Bears like to do yoga too! That is your "in" with Caleb, not Adam Lambert.

Armed with new mental awareness and insight, Yogi Vytas gathers up the remaining Benihana's for a mountaintop meditation. With the expansive sea spread wide before them, the Benihana's come together in nature's majesty and vow to try their hardest at the upcoming Immunity Challenge. It is time for their losing streak to end. All for one and one for all!

And that brings us to our next Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge, you will slide down the wedgie slide, grab a ring and toss it on some spikes. The first team to land 5 rings wins Immunity. In addition to Immunity, you will also be playing for a Reward of steak, vegetables, spices and a wok. Monica nods approvingly, "Ooh a wok!" Since WangChung has 800 more players than Benihana, they'll have to sit some people out. KitKat immediately spits, "Not me! I'm playing!" Monica and Medusa then roll their eyes at one another and reluctantly volunteer to sit out with the Creepster. Survivors ready, go!

Rather than go through this round by round, here is what you need to know. Monica and Medusa are pissed off at having to sit out. They are so ticked off that the bench they're sitting on breaks from all their sighs. Meanwhile, in the Challenge, it's a back and forth, back and forth, between the teams. Caleb scores, then Cupcake scores, then Crusty (with her ears and nose tumbling down the slide alongside of her) scores.

Finally, with one point away from victory for the Benihana's, we have HayDouche v. Gervase. The music is thumping, Ciera is on the sidelines absentmindedly chewing on one of Crusty's fingers in nervousness and the tension is thick. The two men slide down the slide, grab their rings and toss. And toss! And toss! And, oh my god, it's so close.... Toss! BENIHANA WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at WangChung, we finally, not of our own free will, get a chance to get up close and personal with Creepy Creepster. Creepster is a strange sort of a gal. She has a habit of shrugging her shoulders and making loud declarations that makes an already awkward moment even more awkward. Let's call it a "Shruglaration." For example, upon returning to camp, Creepster stands in the middle of everyone getting situated and shrugs her shoulders, "Well, I guess I get to experience Tribal Council for the first time." Her delivery is almost accusatory as if to say, "Thanks to you dummies losing I have to go to Tribal Council now." Then she puts her hands on her hips and just stands there. Her lips furl and she just waits, but no one replies. No one ever replies. Instead someone somewhere clears their throat while everyone else fidgets their feet uneasily in the sand.

Gervase, innocently minding his own business with that badonkadonk of his, is all of a sudden interrupted with the Creepster's mosey. And she does mosey. Like John Wayne, she moseys. Uh oh, here she comes, Gervase. Gird your loins. *mosey, mosey, shrug shoulders* "It'll be fine. I'm not going anywhere. I'm still packing though!" And then she waits. And waits. And waits for a reply. Gervase quietly wrings out his bathing suit and the second Creepster turns her head, he scurries back to camp to hide behind the shelter. Gervase isn't scared of much in this game, but Creepster creeps him out!

Creepster isn't finished yet. She's not even close to being finished. She has many more people to make feel icky and weird. Next up is Tina and KitKat. Uh oh, here she comes... *mosey, mosey, shrug* "Those sweet little friends of yours don't like you. You know, girls. Girls have rivalries. Women... sheesh!" And then she waits. And waits. Little did she know that she was dropping her "Shruglaration" on a girl whose head is filled with candy corn and jelly beans. KitKat stares at Creepster confused and asks, "What?" Creepster shifts her hips, shrugs her shoulders and says, "Women! They'll get ya every time. I felt it." KitKat asks again, "Huh?" Creepster looks to Tina for help, but Tina quickly removes her teeth and tosses them over her shoulder. She's staying out of this! Creepster tries again, "Just thought I'd throw that out there. Eh heh." KitKat stares wide-eyed back at Creepster and slowly sidles away to hide with the others behind the shelter.

While the others are covering themselves with palm leaves hoping Creepster doesn't discover them, Medusa is out on the boat with Aras. She tells us how she has gotten so close with Aras that they don't even need to speak of their alliance. They can simply look into each other's eyes and know they are one. While that is all well and good, it is also a bunch of hooey. The reason Aras never talks to Medusa about their alliance together is because THEY DON'T HAVE AN ALLIANCE TOGETHER! As far as Aras is concerned, Medusa is as important to him as the Thai woman back home he sees weekly for his rub downs. He goes in, strips off his clothes, gets massaged, happy ending, $20 on the counter... see ya next week! No more, no less.

So imagine how shocked Medusa would be if she knew that her telepathic buddy, Aras, is the one pushing for her to go home. Oh sure, Creepster is really freaky and annoying, but Aras thinks that Medusa could beat that pesky Pythagoras on Rhode Island making Monica all the more loyal to him. Personally, I don't understand this logic at all. I think it's whacky and makes a lot of assumptions. One assumption being that if Medusa were to reenter the game that she won't immediately turn everyone on her tribe to stone. Nevertheless! Aras quickly convinces Cupcake (with a simple smoldering look) and the plan is set in motion.

And this brings us to Tribal Council. Shiny and glistening in a flattering teal, Dimples turns his attention to the old-timers to find out how it is to be back playing Survivor. Gervase is animated and excited with his hands hither and thither, "Yeah man, this game is different! These people make moves!" Tina nods in agreement, "You know Dimples, back in my day we had to walk 18 miles to get water. 18! We didn't have shoes or machetes or, you know, FOOD! I can't believe all the food! By Day 5 I've played, and eaten, more than I ever did in my old season." Day 5? Oh dear, Tina might have a touch of the Alzheimer's. If I thumb through my Survivor notes, I see that early in the game Tina was the one who REFUSED to play or talk strategy. Remember? With Fancy Pants (Colton)?

Dimples then turns his attention to Monica and asks her how Blood v. Water changes things up. *raises hand* May I answer that, Dimples? It makes it boring! For the love of god, Blood v. Water is BORING. Boring, boring, boring. I hate it! I hate Rhode Island. I hate burning Idol clues. I hate cry babies! I hate it! *sigh* Maybe I'm being unfair. Some of the family drama is titillating. Perhaps it is Rhode Island that is chapping my ass. I despise Rhode Island with a fiery passion. It changes the way is game is played (or not played as the case may be) and it really ticks me off! Alright, sorry about the outburst, but it's been festering within me for a few weeks now.

Alright, so Bitch Dimples then turns to Creepster and asks her why she's even there. Thank god Bitch Dimples is here to save the day!

"Creepster, do you belong out here?"
"Well, Dimples... "
"Everyone wanted to play with Rupert instead. He's tie-dye! He's Rupert! You're you."
"I'm a part of this tribe now."
"Do you deserve to be here?"
"Yes, I deserve to be here. I fish, I help, I play. Yeah, I deserve to be here."
"Heh heh, that's what everyone says when they're about to be voted out."
"You're not Rupert!"
And scene.

Wow. I wonder who Dimples wants voted out tonight.

Alright, let's get to it. Enough dilly dallying. By a vote of you-never-saw-it-coming, Medusa you are the 5th person voted out of Survivor: Blood v. Water.

So, what did you guys think of the episode last night? Did the right Laura get voted out? Is Tyson thrilled to have his lover all to himself? Are leper parts around your camp contagious? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!