Thursday, October 31, 2013

Getting Down To The Nut Crackin'


*CLUNK* Dazed and with fluttering eyelids I can feel my body moving across the sand yet I can't seem to stop it. The clanging in my head, the ringing in my ears... the *thwump thwump* in my temples. In and out of consciousness I float as single frames of some sort of movie with a herky jerky handheld camera click by hither and thither. The flicker of flames... *blackness* The stringing up of a wild boar still squealing... *blackness* The grunting, guttural grunting... man or beast? *blackness* Parched and sore, I think I can finally lift my head up off this bed of pine needles. Why is that spoon bent backwards like that? *CLUNK!* Again... *blackness* Has it been days, minutes, hours... years? How long have I been in this cave with my captor? Let's recap, shall we?


We continue our tediously tiresome tale at the tiptop of the tick tock. It is at this zero hour that we find sticky gumdrop feet tiptoeing through the Rhode Island (Redemption Island) sand. Head shaking in disbelief, KitKat (Kat) should be disappointed in herself. But she's not! She is not disappointed at all. She is proud. Miss Twizzler fingers through Big League Chew hair is proud that she has yet to cry. Being sent to Rhode Island so early in the game is emotionally challenging for any returning player, but our KitKat has risen above such petty tomfoolery like tears and feelings. Oh sure, her bohunk boyfriend will probably break up with her tomorrow and she'll go down as the most embarrassing player in Survivor history, but she didn't cry dammit. She did not cry. And so, in the frigid night air, her toffee lining and the caramel running through her veins hardened to a toughness lulling the candy queen to a dream-filled sleep of dancing sugar-plums.


But then... the sun! Fierce and fiery, that blinding behemoth took its rightful place in the sky and proceeded to melt all that had grown hard and crusty. Snow on mountaintops, ice-covered ponds and, yes, the candy shell that once protected the KitKat from the world. Underneath that blazing fireball, the slick and shiny shell began to bend and distort itself into something malleable, something feeling. Do you know what happens to jelly in extremely hot temperatures? It stretches, it leans, it reaches and softens. Softens until it is a jelly no more. Softens until it drips... *glop glop plop!* Thus, this is why we now find the KitKat, just another victim of the sun, reduced to nothing but gritty plops in the sand. Ruined! Because as any baker knows, a gritty sandy batter is of no use to anyone.

And this brings us once again to the Rhode Island ludus. The place where dreams are shattered and clues are burned. Come on in guys! Benihana (Tadhana) gets its first glimpse of the new WangChung (Galang). HayDouche (Hayden) sits on the bleachers puzzled. He quietly counts the WangChungs to himself, "One, too, C, See's Candies... hey, where's KitKat?!" Dimples then waves in the losers living on Rhode Island.


Wifey (John) and Medusa (Laura M.) march in ready for battle while KitKat slowly drags her gummy worm legs one at a time into the arena. Upon seeing HayDouche up in the stands, she stops in her tracks (gummies frequently get stuck in the sand) and asks, "Hug me. Hug me. Can you hug me?" HayDouche sighs and reluctantly goes to hug his jar of syrup. *squish squish*

"KitKat, immediately you told HayDouche you were sorry. Sorry for getting voted out?"
"Yeah, I feel like I let him down."

Meanwhile up in in the stands...
"Psst, Aras, do you have Parvati's phone number?"
"What?"
"Parvati. Or how about ChaCha? Hell, I'll even take Jugs' number if you have it. She's got some big knockers on her."

It is here, through all of this jibber jabber, that we get a creepy insight into the love affair that is HayKat. KitKat, for some eerily creepy reason, is convinced that HayDouche will now dump her for getting voted out before the Merge. *scratches head* The absurdity of it all leads me to believe that either KitKat is a nightmare of a girlfriend steeped in paranoia - Where were you last night? Why didn't you return any of my 37 phone calls? You were totally flirting with that waitress! - OR HayDouche constantly treats her like she's disposable and easily replaceable (kind of like he treated Kristen Bitting). In my expert opinion as a board certified Survivor blogger, I conclude that both hypotheses are correct. Yes, KitKat is irrationally and psychotically paranoid. BUT she got that way because HayDouche made her that way.

So while HayDouche is doing his best trying to convince Dimples that KitKat means more to him than anything "EVEN this game" (Was anyone else creeped out by the way he emphasized "even"?), Dimples decides to test the young lad's conviction.

"My relationship with KitKat is more important than... EVEN this game."
"Really?"
"It is. Yeah. It is."
"So I want to challenge you on that."


With an intake of breath and a struggle to swallow the golf ball now sitting in his throat, a panic stricken look flashes across HayDouche's face for a brief moment. He knows what's coming. Dimples is going to ask him if he wants to take KitKat's place at Rhode Island. KitKat knows it's coming too. She's already gathering up her satchel, her Smarties necklaces and her jelly bean vitamins. She blows Hershey kisses to Wifey and Medusa as she steps over Aras to take HayDouche's place at Benihana.

Hold on there, Sister Christian. Repack those Butterfingers and take back those kisses because your ass isn't going anywhere. HayDouche might say he cares about you more than Survivor, but that sure as hell doesn't mean he means it. HayDouche puts his neck on the line for no one. We learned that way back in Big Brother 12.


So, long story short, KitKat is forced to play in the duel which requires nothing more than the logic to open a bag before you empty it. Sadly, this sort of logic is the kind that KitKat has never come into contact with in her silly tralala existence. And so we bid adieu to the candy cane and start taking bets for how long it takes for HayDouche to break up with her. I say 2 months.


Back at Benihana, the menfolk are comforting HayDouche with hugs and brah pats on the back. Little do they know that HayDouche is secretly doing backflips in his head, "The ball and chain is gone! Yessss! I can play for himself now! It's about time! She was totally cramping my style! Yo Parvati, hit me up!" After performing a jaunty jig in private, HayDouche returns to camp where the conversation is now an intense discussion on game strategy. The plan is to keep winning Challenges, Merge, pull Yogi Vytas into their alliance and then steamroll their way through the game. With the rest of their time in The Philippines all mapped out for them and the hard thinking out of the way, the men scatter for a siesta.

Aras, however, has another idea on how the Benihana's can fill their free time at camp. A hoity toity idea that leads to betterment of self, strengthening of the psyche and a union with spirit. "Anyone fancy a peaceful walk and a relaxing meditation? My guru at Canyon Ranch gave me some fascinating affirmations and a recipe for rosemary lemon water that will curl your toes." Cupcake (Tyson) and the others grunt out some no thank you's and choose to nap instead.


And here is where we see some Survivor fakery. I don't often call out Production, but let us evaluate the above photo, shall we? Here we see Aras "meditating." What we don't see is the crew down behind him radioing instructions up to the helicopter capturing the moment. A shot like this takes preparation. It takes planning. Christ, he's even softly lit at magic hour! This is a preplanned choreographed filler shot not the spontaneous Buddha on the mountaintop moment Production wants us to think it is. And why are we getting filler shots? BECAUSE THIS CAST IS BLOODY BORING!!! The 85 twists have yet to create drama, the damn Hidden Immunity Idol clues keep getting burned up and these twits do nothing but sleep all day. No one worries about food because there's a feast every other day and cast members like Crusty (Katie) and Ciera are about as animated as a tree stump. I've said it before, I'll say it again... I hate this season. I HATE IT. I get ticked off that I have to interrupt whatever I'm doing to watch it every week. I'm sorry, but it's true. Do you know that I faked food poisoning last week so I could spend the day doing yoga instead of writing a blog? My apologies for lying to you, gentle readers, but you know how I get when I'm not entertained.


Alright, so Aras is doing his Shakti Gawain Creative Visualization - something I happen to be very familiar with (last season I creatively visualized Dimples saying, "Our next question is from Colette Lala") - and imagining himself as the winner of Survivor Blood v. Water. For a creative visualization to be successful, one must feel, touch, smell, taste every facet of the desired outcome. For example, I shall creatively visualize an entertaining season of Survivor. I can see it now... I'm sitting on the couch with my heart in my throat. The cunning gameplay and backstabbing is unfolding before me on my television. The air smells of gin and popcorn. I am smiling. I am feverishly typing notes. Survivors are tweeting me gushing compliments and I am tweeting them back. Golden Boy (Malcolm) takes off his shirt. Wait, what's he doing here? I'm getting my scenarios mixed up. Anyhow, you get the gist of it. Believe, believe, believe. Believe so hard that your dreams have no choice but to manifest. So mote it be!


While Aras' heart is in the right place and he says he's visualizing Dimples handing him the check, how are we to know that that is what is really going through his mind? What if he's really envisioning beating the crap out of Vytas at the next Challenge? Or perhaps he's thinking about a sexy late night tryst where Cupcake let's him lick his icing? We have no idea where Aras is truly sending his energy, but he might need to focus it a little better because, as we speak, Cupcake is hard at work convincing the others back at camp to get rid of Aras. The idea of Aras reuniting with Vytas scares Cupcake. *shrugs shoulders* I don't know, I still maintain the two brothers hate each other and would love nothing more than to send one another out of the game.


So while Cupcake is making an alliance we'll call the Lost Souls (those without loved ones), those WangChung's are over on their side of the island darning socks and planning a quilting bee. Tina watches out of the corner of her eye as Vytas and Crusty sit next to one another in the sand. She winks loudly at Vytas and makes obscene finger gestures while motioning towards her daughter. Poor Crusty. At this rate, she's on the path to spinsterhood and Mrs. Tina Bennett simply won't tolerate having an old maid for a daughter. She's ready for grandbabies and she's ready for them NOW. If Vytas can't seduce Crusty into spreading her legs for him, then how about he bludgeon her over the head with a club? It worked for the cavemen!

Transitioning into WangChung's way of life might have been difficult for the average guy, but Vytas isn't your run of the mill average Joe. He is a yogi and that means that he is in tune with the feminine energy swirling all around him. Instead of fighting it, he will hand himself over to it. He'll go ahead and let the women braid his hair and give him facials. He'll bring them elderberry tea in the morning and show them yoga poses to relieve their PMS symptoms in the afternoon. He'll use feeling words and talk romantically about "the one who got away" reminiscing over how they'd watch Love Actually every Christmas. Women eat that shit up! Plus, Vytas has that reformed bad boy thing going for him. If there is anything the ladies love, it's a newly reformed bad boy. He's still dangerous and exciting enough to keep you on your toes, but he's not so bad that he'll steal money from your pocketbook and go score a gram.


So while Vytas has ingratiated himself into the tribe seamlessly, The Creepster (Laura B.), uh, hasn't. The Creepster moseys awkwardly midway into conversations. She farts during yoga class. She lifts her armpit to a tribe mate and says, "Smell this!" This is her way of opening up and making new friends. But for all of The Creepsters weird idiosyncrasies, she can identify a "good guy" when she sees one. Yogi Vytas is one such good guy. He's so good that The Creepster feels totally comfortable revealing her feelings to him, "I'm having such a good time. A good time. You know? You listening? I said I'm having a good time. Yes sireebob. Just me and these gals. You've gotta an eyelash inside your nose. Here, let me get it. Oh don't be scared. I do this all the time Nana's ole goat, Buddy. He had some crazy shit up his nose, I tell ya. *The Creepster belches* Does your pubic hair itch? Mine does. Right here. Ya think ya got a yoga pose for that? Gramps always said damn smelly hippies do yoga, but you really don't smell that bad. Yeah, it's fun out here. I'm glad I met you. Have you ever shoveled cow shit? Sometimes it gets in your mouth. It's really not that bad you know. It kind of smells like that tea you've been giving us every morning." Umm yeah, she creeps me out.


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge you'll all be tied up in a chain gang. Gervase and Aras will escape from the chain gang and do a reenactment of The Defiant Ones where racial hijinks will ensue. Black and white must work together if they want to persevere. As in film, as on TV, as in life. First tribe to land 5 things called bolos onto a rack wins Immunity and fried chicken. That's racist! Survivors ready, go!


The Challenge begins and it's a melee! A wild raucous melee of confusion and ass. You read that right. ASS. Monica's ass to be specific. It's tight and it's toned and gosh darn if it isn't going to try to stop Aras in his tracks! First, she shakes it in front of him. Then, look away Pythagorus (Brad Culpepper), she sits on his face. That Monica is such a flirt!


Kerfluffle, hiccup, yadda. The Creepster's pubes break free. Ack! Cupcake and Tina go head to head. Toss, toss, toss. Sneer, gum, toss. Cupcake and Tina are tied 4-4. Tina tosses and breaks a hip. Cupcake tosses and scores! BENIHANA WINS REWARD!!!


While the Benihana's are busy licking the grease off their fingers, the WangChung's are wearing their sad faces and staring at the sand. Yogi Vytas remembers something Patanjali (that famous bad boy from New Delhi) said in the Yoga Sutras, "Whooah, we're half way there. Livin' on a prayer. Take my hand, we'll make it I swear. Livin' on a prayer." The women are moved by the sentiment. They close their eyes letting the words sink in. Only the leaves on the trees rustling in the breeze can be heard. Until... until The Creepster speaks, "Um Vytas, I respect you so much. You're a hell of a guy and if I didn't have that tie dyed man back at home waiting for me, I'd love to wrap my milky thighs around you, but forget about that for now. Look, the thing is, you're going home. Me and these other vaginas have talked it over and we gotta get rid of you. *The Creepster blows a snot rocket* You're the most amazing man and, I tell ya, if I was single." *The Creepster elbows Vytas in the ribs* "So let's just enjoy your last day ever. Let's sing some more of those Pootang lyrics you got and just be happy, k?"


Ewww! Eww, eww, eww. Make it stop! Someone make her shut up. Please! *shivers* Yuck! She gives me the heebie jeebies. So while at home I'm scrubbing myself down because I feel dirty now, the women of WangChung are all staring at The Creepster with their jaws agape. They are all thinking to themselves, "What the hell is she doing?!" Monica's lips form a thin line of anger as she resents how The Creepster decided to give this weirdo speech of hers without consulting any of them. Tina stares at the sand and shits uncomfortably while Crusty hides behinds her hands hoping the whole scene will just disappear. Vytas, on the other hand, is staring right at The Creepster. Actually, he's not staring, he's sneering. And there it is, folks! The bad boy. A reformed bad boy always has a little bit of the old bad boy inside and sometimes, in scenes just like this, he'll peer out from within and make an appearance. The bad boy doesn't mince words. He doesn't have time to mince words for he doesn't know how long his glimpse will last. So, Bad Yogi, glaring at The Creepster, asks, "So you think this makes me want to have a good afternoon?" *bites fist*

The circle disperses and The Creepster is left by herself. She stands, legs wide, with her hands on her hips nodding approvingly. She grabbed that bull by the horns and told it who's boss! She sure did! She's the leader of the vaginas now. Making a slow mosey circle around camp, she snorts and chuckles to herself. "Yup. They respect me now," she thinks to herself. Raising up her arm, she sniffs her armpit and exhales, "Ahhh yeahhhh. That's good stuff there." *cringes*


Meanwhile, the rest of the sewing circle is fit to be tied. Monica is seething to Crusty about some Survivor 101 class she took back at the community college. Out in the water, Yogi Vytas is doing a symbolic dead man's float. When Tina swims up next to him he asks her, "Is it my time to go tonight?" Tina replies that she doesn't think so, but the truth is that she doesn't really know. He should go home, but The Creepster is just so damn creepy!


And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples is glowing by the light of the fire and then The Creepster speaks. *cringes again* "Well Dimples, we got 4 vaginas here. Count 'em, go on ladies, show him. 1-2-3-4 vaginas. And that there *points to Vytas* is not a vagina." Dimples stares horrified. "I became a leader, Dimples. I grabbed the game by the balls, like this *The Creepster reaches out and squeezes Dimples' balls* and I told Vytas, 'Man, you gots ta go.' I'm making moves here, sweet cheeks. Either piss or get off the pot, you know what I mean?" Dimples replies, "No, I have no idea what the hell you mean, but you're totally sketching me out so I'm going to move on."

Yogi Vytas responds and takes issue with the use of the word "vagina." He tells Dimples, "Vaginas don't matter. It's who you trust that matters." Dimples covers his ears, "Stop saying 'vagina'!"

Tina then chimes in and compares Vytas to Aras. You can almost see the resentment wafting off of Vytas when she says that both brothers are honest and sincere. He shifts uneasily in his seat because, while he may be putting on the good trusting yogi act within the game, he's still got that naughty boy living inside of him and that naughty boy isn't a golden sun god like Aras is.

The Creepster then jumps in and points out that Vytas is a huge threat because Aras has won before. *scratches head* How does that make Vytas a threat? If anything, that makes him a target. Here's my approach to people who have won before and have returned to play the game - GET RID OF THEM. If I were on Survivor and a former winner was on with me, I would make it my mission to vote them off first thing. I would be jealous and resentful that they already won. I would be bitter that I hadn't won yet. The last thing I'd do is keep them around. I'd teach those greedy jerks a lesson and get them the hell off my island! How those people let Sandra sit around and win TWICE is beyond my comprehension.


Alright, let's get to the vote. The Creepster, please pack up your vagina and go. You're scaring the children.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Would you target Tina and Aras like I would? How many times have you creatively visualized about Golden Boy? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!