Thursday, February 27, 2014

Shenanigans


On a hilltop far removed from the hustle and bustle of Hollywood, Dimples (Jeff Probst) sits comfortably in his favorite cushy club chair amongst the walnut paneling of his Man Cave. The wife and kids are at grandma's for the weekend leaving our fearless leader to not only fend for himself for a few days, but to finalize the casting for the upcoming Survivor Cagayan. Legs astride in his expertly worn-in jeans and barefoot so he can rub the shag carpeting in between his toes, Dimples balances two sets of cards on each thigh. He thinks better when he multitasks, when he's got a lot of those proverbial balls in the air so to speak. On one leg are cards with the names of possible future Survivors. On the other leg is his grocery list. With the missus gone and Lupe back in Tijuana for her niece's quinceañara, it is up to the master of the house to do his own shopping. The grocery list reads as follows: mung beans, pop tarts, goobers, nerds, milk duds, headcheese, bangers, whoopie pies, kumquats, nutter butters, potatoes. Needless to say, Dimples is sick of kale, coconut water, tofu and all the rest of the trendy foods L.A. housewives are into this year. He's going to live it up, dammit! And by the time wifey gets back into town, the wrappers will be disposed of and his little bingeing secret will be safe.



Gazing out of the open window at the back of the Spanish style estate, Dimples sighs with a small smile on his lips. This is the way life was meant to be lived. It is a perfect California 73 degrees outside. The dogs, Immunity and Tribal, are scampering and cavorting in the lush gardens as the sweet sweet tunes of Foreigner's Greatest Hits carry throughout the house. Just as Immunity and Tribal playfully wrestle with a rejected Idol prototype, the rhythmic thumps of 'Juke Box Hero' shake all through the house jostling the tchotchkes collected and gathered from world travels. The didgeridoo, various animal teeth, totems and one tarsier skin began swaying and rattling as if they were their own hodgepodge band. Dimples shut his long lashes as his foot began to tap with the beat... here comes his favorite part... Yeah he's gotta keep on rockin', He just can't stop, Gotta keep on rockin', That boy has got to stay on top, And be a juke box hero! And with wild abandon Dimples leapt up out of his chair with his fists pumping, his hips swaying and his head finding and catching the beat. He rocked it out that day, my friends. He rocked it hard.

However, when the song was over, Dimples brushed his hair off of his damp brow and looked down at his carefully organized cards with the thick block lettering scattered and mixed up on the Oriental. Panicked, he glanced at his watch. Shit, Burnett is gonna call any second wanting the new cast list. *brrr-ring! brr-ring!*

Hello?
Oh hey Mark. Uh yeah, I've got the list right here. Just give me a second. 
I sound out of breath?
Oh, it's that damn Immunity. She dug up my wife's tulips again. I just ran in from the patio.
OK so here's the list: Goobers, Kumquats, Milk Duds...
Yeah, these are the names I was given. I know, strange parents these kids have. *nervous laugh*
Where were we? OK uh, Headcheese. *pause* Yeah I think he's from Jersey.
Pop Tarts, Mung Beans...

So, did you miss me? Let's recap, shall we?



Here we are once again. Back in our ole trusty Filipino jungle. Back on the island where the tarsiers call the shots and the weather can be a cruel mistress. Azure seas, jagged rocks, powdery beaches, they're all still here. But what isn't here is a veteran. Can I get an amen? Hallelujah! That's right, folks. 18 shiny new faces are arriving by land, by sea and by air. Some nervous and excited, others cocksure and full of bravado. All silent.

They are silent because, like me, they are on the edge of their seats wondering how our Cruise Director, Dimples, will kick off the new season. Will he fly in on the wing of Amelia Earhart's lost Model 10 Electra? Will he mosey in on the back of a bengal tiger that he trained during his hiatus? Or will he reenter the hemisphere via an asteroid? Whichever entry he chooses, it's bound to be spectacular, right? Right?!?


Here it comes. Look at him all sassy in his flattering cornflower blue. Hmm, he's standing awfully still isn't he? I hope it's not another one of those standing atop a jagged rock in the middle of the sea entries like we had two seasons ago. Two seasons ago... mmm Golden Boy (Malcolm)... naked hair tossing Golden Boy... I'm sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, you better not be standing on a stupid rock again Dimples!


39 Days, 18 people, 1 Survivor!


Hands on hips - his go-to move.


And whoosh! Yes, it's cool. Yes, it's not easy. Yes, it's scary. BUT we've seen it before! You may not have recycled a cast this time around, but you recycled the entry and I'm Joan Crawford damn mad about it.

With Dimples safely back from his favorite perch, a rickety truck arrives and out tumble an eclectic group of ne'er-do-wells. One girl has dreadlocks, another looks like she mainlines nicotine, and a third gentleman could easily moonlight as the Jolly Green Giant. The ramshackle and dusty group turn their attention to the coast where a boat is pulling in and tossing out some boobs. Boobs for everyone! Lastly, a fire engine red helicopter lands at a safe distance and out trot a bunch of glasses wearing, pocket protector having nerdy types.


Dimples greets the new arrivals with a, "Welcome to Survivor Cagayan!" Thus signaling the start of the game. The 18 neophytes whoop and clap amongst nervous giggles and anxious stares. Dimples then explains that they have been divided into three tribes based on the 3 qualities it takes to succeed in this game: Beauty, Brawn and Brains. Turning to Funbags (Morgan), Dimples asks her what tribe she thinks she might be on. Funbags replies, "I don't mean to sound conceited, but we're Beauty!" Sounding conceited is a big worry of Funbags'. She fears it, she runs from it, she tries to outsmart it yet she wallows and wades in it whenever she possibly can. It is sort of her drug of choice, if you will.


Dimples then asks Spencer which tribe he thinks he might be on. Spencer replies, "I guess we're the nerds." And he would be right. These so-called "nerds" have an average IQ of "one-thirty." Now, that's not one hundred and thirty. No, no, no, little lambs. That would be one PLUS thirty for a grand total of 31. Which, according to the current Stanford-Binet classification would put all of these mouth breathers into the Lower Extreme. As "Lower Extreme" is a little too politically correct for this here bloggy blog, I prefer to use the 1937 classification of "Mentally Defective."

This leaves us with the last group, the Brawns. Bald tough guy Tony is thrilled to be considered as a part of this group. He'll "stawmp awl ova them booties and bwains." His accent is curious to say the least. It's like New Yawk with a hint of Bah-ston, a pinch of Chic-ahh-go and a smattering of Bristol. Nevertheless, we've got a game to get to.

Your first little piece of business, Survivors, is to choose a leader to represent your groups. LJ, as unsure as we are as to why he's on the Beauty tribe, is quickly selected for the post. Similarly, Sarah and David are also chosen. But hark! There is a twist to being a chosen one. Now the chosen leaders must choose who they deem to be the weakest in their respective tribes. Ooooh harsh.

LJ, with the logic that you can't trust hot girls over cute girls, chooses Funbags as the weakest member of the Beauty tribe. Sarah chooses leathery straw Trisha for the Brawns while David of the Brains shoves Garrett forward and declares, "Him." David, you see, has this game all figured out. He's not playing for right now. In fact, he's not even playing for tomorrow or next week. No siree bob. He's playing for Day 39. Day 39, folks. Day 39 when there are only 3 players left in the game. That's how ole brain trust David is going to conquer and master Cagayan. Speaking of "Cagayan", I need to change that. I keep thinking it's "A Gay Can" and the PC police will arrest my ass if I go strutting around here tossing out A Gay Can like it's no biggie. Since I don't think we'll be using Filipino tribe names until we get over the 3 tribe hump, I'm changing Cagayan to Contagion - because, as we will soon discover, ineptitude is infectious around these parts.


With our three weak players chosen, Dimples tells them that they are not out of the game nor are they out of their tribes. They will simply arrive at camp before the others and they will make a decision that will affect the rest of the tribe. Yo David, how's that Day 39 strategy working out for you now?


Garrett arrives at his camp first and discovers that he can choose to either get a clue for the Hidden Immunity Idol or choose a second bag of rice for the tribe. This is a no-brainer (Ha!). Obviously, strapping Garrett chooses to take the Idol clue. Who in their right mind would choose a second bag of rice?


I'll tell you who, Trisha. The only chain smoking Pilates instructor on the planet, Trisha. Trisha hems and haws over what to do. Her heart is telling her to choose the clue, but her gut is telling her to get the rice. I mean, obviously her gut is telling her to eat - the chick is all loose skin and bones - but come on! You don't pass up a clue to an Idol especially since your tribe thinks you're the weakest and could fear future retribution from you thus making you a target.


Over at Beauty, Funbags is biting her lip and staring at the flag pole. Does she read the note nailed to the post or does she flip her hair one more time? Decisions, decisions. Thinking back to how she was just chosen as the weakest player, Funbags is a bit perplexed to say the least. She doesn't mean to sound conceited, but maybe LJ was super attracted to her and doesn't want her around to mess with his head. And it's not like she's being super conceited when she tells us that she's also the biggest jug... err I mean grudge holder in the universe. She's really good at holding jugs, I mean grudges. She's also really good at getting men to do whatever she wants. She's really good at lots of things and that's not her being conceited at all.


Back at the Brains, Garrett has now stripped down to his boxer briefs and is well on his way to finding the Idol. Unfortunately though, these "hide and seek" type games just aren't his bag, baby. Like, if you hide easter eggs, no way young Garrett will find any. Actually, that might not be because of his weakness in the seek-and-find arts. That could be because he is our brother from Israel (I'm not Jewish, I just like to pretend I am. Some people pretend to be princesses or movie stars, I like to pretend I'm a sassy older Jewish mother who is perpetually panicked about getting dinner ready on time. Don't ask me to explain it.) So yeah, 20 bucks says Garrett has never searched for easter eggs in his entire life. Lucky for him, that Idol looks nothing like an egg nor does it contain delicious candies inside, and he finds it! If you must know, the Idol looks like one of Flavor Flav's necklaces. Yeah boyyyy.

Back at Beauty, Funbags is also in her skivvies searching for the Idol. She doesn't mean to sound conceited, but she's really really good at finding things...


(Watch the first 46 seconds.)

She's also probably really really good at making out. While she might be good at everything, she's not exactly Speedy Gonzalez. While searching the lava rocks for the Idol, the rest of the Beauties come prancing into camp. So there's Funbags with her funbags waving hello at everyone and now she has to explain why the hell she was perched on the edge of a rock in her underwear. With some quick thinking she tells her tribe that she was given the decision to choose items for comfort or shelter materials and she chose shelter materials. As for why she was up on the rocks, she thought she'd get some quick crabbing in before everyone arrived.



And here is where we meet Brice. Fierce and fabulous in purple pants, Brice is a breath of fresh air amongst these boring Beauties. With that southern drawl and keen fashion sense, I know that Brice and I are going to be lifelong friends. He'll call me "gurl" and I'll spin around the room in a chiffon dress as he shouts, "You betta werk! Gone With The Wind faaaaabulous." I can see it now, we'll watch the Oscars together and throw hors d'oeuvres at the TV when Anne Hathaway shows up on the red carpet. It'll be major. So yeah, we like Brice - not only for the hey gurl heyyys, but for his attention to the intricacy of tribe dynamics. He can sense that Funbags is on the outs with the tribe so with a simple whisper of "I got chu," he lets Funbags know that he's with her.

Over at the Brawns, Trish is all open arms with hugs and forgiveness. She quickly tells her tribemates that she had the choice of choosing the clue for the Idol or an extra bag of rice and the tribe is thrilled to hear that she stupidly chose the rice. After the tribe disperses to get to work on the shelter, Cagney (Sarah) is getting a vibe off of Tony. It's one of those, "He looks a lot like a cop" vibes. I'm aware of that "she looks like a whore" vibe or the "he looks like a drunk" vibe, but I've never used the "he looks like a cop" vibe. This is what Cagney does though. She's a cop too! And, from the looks of it, she's damn good at it. She's right on the money that Tony is cop, but Tony, crazy jittery Tony, doesn't want to fess up to it. He thinks being a cop will make him a target so he lies and tells her he's in "constwuckshun."


What do you say we check in on the Brains? With so many smart people in one place I'm anticipating a multilevel shelter with slides and separate rooms like in the Blue Lagoon. And did you know that J'tia is a nuclear engineer? A real life nuclear engineer!

Naturally, she immediately takes charge of building the shelter and puts everyone to work. She's got the boys chopping bamboo, the girls gathering firewood, and she... well, she'll just sit here in the sand and shout out orders. Kass, attorney at law, starts to get suspicious of J'tia when the structure she has them building keeps collapsing. When that leaf blew on the roof like it did, the shelter probably shouldn't have caved in. And when that piece of sand blew onto the floorboards, the earth probably shouldn't have opened up to reveal Dante's Inferno. As I am a crackerjack little researcher I have managed to rustle up Jenga's (J'tia) resume. Oh wow, she worked in Russia...


Is that... ohhh it is. *welp* Apparently she also worked in ship building back in the 1900's in Belfast. I guess that didn't stop her heart from going on. And umm, lemme see, it says here that she built the Tacoma Washington Bridge as well. Good luck with her, Brains!


And this brings us to the first Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge you will maneuver a cart through an obstacle course. At each tower you will retrieve a key, use it to unlock a chest, put the chest on the cart and continue on. Once you've collected all 3 chests, you must disassemble the cart, slide it through a barricade, put it back together and take it to the finish where 2 people will use the pieces inside the chest to solve a puzzle. The first team to finish will not only win Immunity (not to be confused with the dog of the same name), but a fire making kit. The second team to finish will also win Immunity (the dog) and some flint. Third place gets bubkis. Survivors ready, go!


There's way too much for me to get through today so all you need to know is that Jenga accidentally set fire to her tribe. BEAUTY and BRAWN WIN IMMUNITY!!! Brains, we'll see you at Tribal Council.

Back at Brains, the mood is reflective and frustrated. There is a lot of talk about woulda, shoulda, coulda. Well, you know what? Woulda, shoulda, coulda won't get you the million dollars, kids. Only one person in this hot mess of a tribe seems to have a firm grasp of what's going on and that person is Kass. On the outside, Kass is unassuming and nonthreatening, but on the inside... on the inside she'll rip your head off, scoop out your ooey gooey center and shrug her shoulders like it's an everyday thing. As a lawyer she's undefeated. Do you want to know what else she's undefeated at? Honesty. Kass tells it like it is and she does it with such determination and conviction that you have no choice but to nod and go along with it.


For example, while David is moaning over how much of a threat Garrett is and how they need to vote him out tonight, Kass firmly states, "No." David, taken aback, replies, "Alright." That's all she said. Just one word. No. But the way she said it sent tingles up my spine. My fallopian tubes curled up like the edges of a mustache. My nipples inverted and sought shelter. Never has a more determined no been uttered. I could learn things from Kass. I could study her so the next time someone asks me if I'll ever blog The Amazing Race again, I'll be able to say no with such strength that their brains will ooze out of their ears and they'll forever lose their ability to speak or type. With powers like Kass's I could probably rule the world.

After putting David in his place with a syllable, Kass heads back to the shelter and is confronted by Jenga. Jenga innocently asks, "So, who are you thinking for tonight?" Kass, without hesitation, replies, "Honestly, I'm leaning towards you because you haven't been pulling your weight around camp. You tell us a lot what to do, but I don't see you doing anything." *bites fist* I love this chick!


She actually made Jenga cry which isn't easy to do since the radiation of that incident we don't speak about dried up her tear ducts.

Later, Jenga asks Tasha if she pulls her weight around camp. Tasha then warns Jenga that she was a bit bossy with everyone the other day and it probably rubbed people the wrong way. Garrett, however, approaches and tells Jenga that she has nothing to worry about. He is 100% positive that David is going home tonight.


And this brings us to our first Tribal Council of the night. Everybody grab your torches and get some fire. Fire represents your life in this game.

"Ahhh!"
"What's going on?"
"There's a big spider."
"You mean after 3 days out here you're scared of a spider?"
"It was crawling on me!"

Dimples starts off the discussion wanting to talk about the first few days. Jenga does her best Donkey impression and jumps up and down, "Oooh pick me! Pick me!"
"Jenga?"
"I knew you were gonna talk to me a lot, Dimples."


"Why do you think I'm going to want to talk to YOU a lot?"
"Because some people are considering me for the vote tonight."

And with that we're off and running. Jenga begins to vehemently insist that she is an engineer and engineers get shit done. They sure do.


I don't know. If I was Jenga, I'd stop throwing around that engineer word or the Copacabana University she attended is going to demand that she give back her diploma.


Not only is her tribe kind of fed up with her, but the celestial gods are as well. The more Jenga's voice screeches into the night air, the harder and faster the rain (and Dimples' hair) falls. The thunder boomed and shook, the lightning lit the tribunal and Dimples' bangs slowly made their way down Dimples' forehead. It wasn't pretty and it made me extremely uncomfortable. So, let's get to it. By a vote of seventy twelve to eleventeen, David is the first person voted out of Survivor Contagion.

No time for mourning because we've got another episode to cover! Onward, friends.


The next day begins with a groan. A groan, a whine and an, "I'm not having any fun!" No, a 4 year old little girl hasn't wandered into camp. It's just Garrett totally not feeling this experience at all. He came on Survivor to outwit people not to, you know, survive in the wilderness. If he were back at the poker tables, he'd be sitting comfortably in his chair with his mommy someone bringing him chicken and vegetables rather than out here starving and uncomfortable. I'm willing to bet Mrs. Adelstein got several calls many a summer where she heard, "Ma, I'm not having fun at this camp. This isn't a cool adventure for me. Can you come get me? And bring me some cookies!" Oh stick a cork in it, Garrett. And for the love of Christ God, stop whining!

Whine, whine, whine. This is how Garrett communicates. It's very nasal with long drawn out brain piercing syllables. He always sounds like he just woke up and it kind of scrapes on the underside of your skull. Can you feel it? *scrape scrape, scrape scrape* Iiiiii donnnnn't liiiiiike being heeeeeere.


After a morning of moans, Garrett finally finds the strength to get up and make an alliance with Kass and Spencer. Kass nods and agrees on the surface, but underneath she is acutely aware that she is the swing vote. Both Garrett and Spencer want her as do Jenga and Tasha. So Kass will smile and do their stupid handshake, but she is, in reality, a free agent. She'll hear all the pitches before making her final decision.


Checking in on the Brawn tribe, we find that Cliff and Woo have already become fast friends. Batman had Robin. Jordan had Pippin. Now Cliff has Woo. It's adorable and we love them for it. Woo is a long time fan of Cliff's and even collected his basketball cards for a time so it is charming to see these two opposites hit it off and bring the chuckles. They're a bit like Laurel & Hardy or Lucy & Ethel. I love an unlikely alliance so I hope these two stick together for the duration.

Over on the Beauty tribe, Brice is unhappy with how the rest of his tribe is playing dumb. He's got Alexis walking around in her panties flirtatiously offering the men coconut water and he's got Jefra in her kerchief wondering how much everyone else urinates. And then we've got hard to understand Jeremiah making googly eyes at Funbags. She doesn't want to be conceited or anything, but Funbags doesn't really like Jeremiah in that way. She'll keep him close though just in case. I don't know if you know this, but she's really really good at getting what she wants from men. She's sort of the best at it. And that's not at all bragging. I'm just telling you the truth.

Watching Jeremiah drooling over Funbags, Brice decides that they're the perfect two to make an alliance with. Seeing as he's the perfect wingman (i.e. He's as gay as the day is long and of no threat to Jeremiah.), he can assist Jeremiah in his seduction of Funbags. With a quick lean in, Brice whispers to the young lovers, "I think we need to be like the brains of the operation." Jeremiah replies with a hesitant yeah. Maybe he's scared of the gay? Is that like still a thing? But Morgan catches on instantly and smiles and nods at Brice. She definitely likes the idea of the three of them working together. Brice tries to seal the deal with Jeremiah by saying, "Us country folk got to stick together," but in all honesty it was Funbags' enthusiasm *bounce bounce* that reeled in Jeremiah, not Brice.


Back at the Brawns, we've got some tension brewing. It seems that MalnuTrisha (Trisha) suggested that Lindsey go gather some wood and Lindsey didn't take too kindly to it. Lindsey asks MalnuTrisha if they have a problem because she feels like MalnuTrisha might have a problem with her. MalnuTrisha, feverishly trying to smoke a hollowed out twig filled with coconut shell shavings, shakes her head and walks away to tattle to Tony. Tony is jealous of Cliff and MalnuTrisha is jealous of Lindsey so it makes sense that these two insecure weirdos would seek out each other's company.


Let's get one thing straight, MalnuTrisha is a tough old broad from Bah-ston and if you step to her in the wrong way she'll Hundred you to death. She'll slice you with her Saw and blow your face off with her Teaser. You don't fuck with Pilates Bah-ston!


Similarly, Tony is a tough fort-making cop from Jersey. His father made forts and his father's father made forts and his father's father's father made forts. And we're not talking your average couch cushion fort. We're talking forts made from the elements - in this case palm fronds. That's right. Under the guise of working on the shelter, Tony is whipping himself up a second structure to be herein called the Spy Shack. It may look like a pile of leaves leaning against a tree, but it is in fact a sophisticated mode of gathering intel. I wonder if Tony has ever met Phillip Sheppard, but I digress. With the Spy Shack in play, Tony can effectively spy on various duos like Cliff and Woo. Oh sure, the duo would have to make sure to do all of their covert planning on one specific spot in the camp in order for the Spy Shack to be effective, but hey, it's a fort and we love that!

And this brings us to our second Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge you will swim out to a bamboo cage and retrieve underwater fish traps that you will swim back ashore. Once back ashore, one tribe member will use the pieces to solve a complicated fish puzzle. The first tribe to complete their puzzle wins Immunity and a fancy schmancy fish catching set. Second place also wins Immunity, but with a smaller suckier fish catching set. And third place wins zilch. Brice and Cliff elect to sit out this Challenge because they're bl... issfully happy to watch the others compete. Survivors ready, go!


Swim, swim, swim. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Jade has once again managed to set her entire tribe on fire which isn't easy to do considering they were all wet. BRAWNS and BEAUTY WIN IMMUNITY!!! Brains, here's some ointment for those burns. If you see a radiation cloud over your camp when you get back, blame Jenga.


Speaking of Jenga, she bites her lip and looks at Dimples, "I think I let my tribe down." You think? YOU THINK? You want to know what I think? I think someone cheated on their IQ test. That's what I think.

Instead of immediately checking in to see how the Brains are dealing with their loss, we head on over to the Brawns which tells me that something is about to happen. Knowing that Cagney and Tony both sliced various appendages open during last challenge I wondered if we might get one of those Dr. Ramona scenes I love. But no, it's an Idol scene. Tony actually had the wherewithal to search the fish catching prize they won for a Hidden Immunity Idol clue. It was right then that I knew he'd find the Idol. When you've been blogging Survivor for 85 years like I have, you get to know the signs.

(Tony's wood)

(My wood - Red Sand Beach, Maui)

While I can appreciate that the clues are supposedly "harder" by placing the Idols in the water, they still seem super easy to find. Trust me, if that whiz kid Garrett could find an Idol, anyone can find an Idol. Anyone but Funbags, that is. So Tony takes his little clue to the pond with an enormous piece of driftwood planted in the shallow end. Wouldn't you know it? The Idol is tied to that piece of driftwood. The last time I hung out near a piece of driftwood that size was about 5 weeks ago in Maui. I didn't find an Idol, but I did get invited to join a ménage à trois by my tour guide which was both flattering and really really weird. But enough about me, let's get back to Tony and the crazy loon noises he is making as he places the Idol around his neck. It was very A Place In The Sun.

OK now we can laugh at those crappy Brains losing again. Garrett once again faces a no brainer decision (these are the type of decisions he excels at). Since Jenga totally screwed up the Immunity Challenge and caused them to lose, she should be the one to go home tonight. In fact, he thinks that his idea is so tremendous that he'll save everyone a lot of time and energy and just tell them how they'll vote tonight at Tribal Council.

"So what do you guys think we should do? Should we have a hundred side conversations or try to think what to do as a group?"
*silence*
"Kass do you have any opinion?"
(oh shit, everyone hide!)
"I think Jenga. She backstroked all the way back while we were pulling the stuff. And then the puzzle."
(hmm, she's not being too brutal)
"I mean, there wasn't one contribution to the Challenge... on ANY aspect."
(oh, there we go.)
"I'm just being honest."
(we know! and we love you for it.)
"Spencer, what do you think?"
"Uh yeah, that makes sense. Are we just ummm having an open forum right now cuz this is weird?"
"Tasha?"
"I still kind of just want to talk to people."
"Look my vote is to like not have side convos. Ever. At all. Let's just hang out and you guys can watch me crunch on these hermit crab shells. Wouldn't that be more fun than playing the game?"
"Then why don't you just quit?!"
And scene.

"If you don't wanna play Survivor, then get out of here!"

What in the sam hell is going on here, Garrett? You're giving me Tina Wesson flashbacks from that season we don't talk about. WHY ARE YOU THERE? Why are YOU on the show and those people who have been auditioning year after year desperate to play aren't? Tasha, girl, we all feel your frustration. Thank you for verbalizing what every single one of us was thinking. Your hair is giving me Jasmine a la Big Brother Australia 2013 flashback so thank you for that too.

OK so Tasha is proving to be someone we might be able to enjoy especially since I see her talking to my Kutthroat Kass down by the water suggesting that they take the game into their own hands and flip this shit upside down. Yes! Do it! I was a little worried that Tasha might be a little too soft for this game, but she tells us straight up, "Why can't I be top dog? I can make it happen!" Indeed. Make this jimmy jammy happen, ladies!

*crunch crunch crunch* What's that?
*sigh* Shit, here comes Garrett.


"What's up?"
"You guys left Jenga alone in the shelter? There could be shenanigans going on."
"No, there are no shenanigans going on! I just prefer the 4 of us all stay together."

Meanwhile up in the shelter, the Shenanigan Bug has bitten Jenga in the ass and the poison is swiftly making it's way through her veins. With wide eyes and a lazy smile, Jenga slowly rises from her seat and quietly walks over to the giant bag of rice. In her brain, she hears only one word. Over and over again. It starts out tiny.... shenanigans, shenanigans. And then it gets a little louder shenanigans, shenanigans. And louder still... shenanigans, shenanigans. Until finally...



SHENANIGANS


Major tribe crippling shenanigans. Dumping the rice into the fire shenanigans. And when she was done, Jenga sat back and she laughed and laughed. Alright I'll admit it, I laughed too. Heartily! I laughed especially hard when she said, "That's what happens when you leave crazy people alone!" 

Kass, not one to miss a thing, notices immediately that their rice is in the fire. She asks Jenga who threw rice on the fire. Jenga shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know." Kass asks, "The Rice Fairy?" No way, Kass. A Rice Fairy would bring you rice. She wouldn't dump it. Plus, let's get real here, there is no way a Rice Fairy could empty that big heavy bag. A Rice Troll could probably pull it off. A Rice Nymph probably could too. A Rice Satyr definitely could.

When Garrett enters the scene and discovers what Jenga did, he first replies with a pout and then he gets angry... at Kass and Tasha! Kass says, "Look! Garrett! That's all of our rice." Garrett whines, "That's whyyyyy I waaaanted us allll to stayyyy up heeeeeere." He's angry that they didn't listen to him when he said that no side conversations were allowed. Because of Kass and Tasha's defiance, Garrett and Spencer were forced to leave Jenga in the shelter and go down to the beach. It was all Kass and Tasha's fault. Kass stares open-mouthed at Garrett for a second before catching herself and walking away. She marches right over to the camera and asks to see the data that got these people into the Brains tribe. You and me both, Kass.


And this brings us to our final Tribal Council for the evening. The faces of the Brains are sad and depressed. There's a hopelessness that has wafted over the scene. Dimples notices it immediately and asks Spencer what's going on. Spencer begins by doing a sing song thing with his voice, "we had one of those OPEN DISCUSSIONS which is NOT WHAT YOU DO in Survivor." He's clearly mocking Garrett, but in as gentle a way as possible. 

Tasha then takes over and explains how they were all pretty candid about how they lost the Challenge (i.e. Jenga). She further explains how Tasha wanted to talk to Spencer and Garrett in private but he said no. Dimples naturally asks Garrett where the strategy is in refusing to have conversations to people. Garrett then opens his mouth up really wide and sticks both of his nasty feet deep inside. His responses after that were something like, "Mawh mrmm grmm mwrhh." 

Jenga openly and freely admits to dumping the rice while Kass explains how she and Tasha were down washing their feet but Garrett was so paranoid they were talking game (they were) that he left Jenga alone and went to get them. And then Garrett started to chew his face. He announces that the rest of the alliance is well aware that Tasha and Jenga are working together. "Nom nom nom. Oh, did I say "alliance." I didn't mean alliance, I meant tribe. All of the alliance members in the tribe are aware. Oh wait, I said alliance again didn't I?" Kass, in an effort to help Garrett cover his tracks, says, "I'm not in an alliance" Garrett The Genius replies, "You, me and Spencer aren't in an alliance?" Kass put her head in her hands. I put my head in my hands. You all put your head in your hands and together we shouted, "How did this dummy get on the Brains tribe?!"

Oy vey. Alright, let's cut to the chase and wrap this puppy up for today. I'm not sure whether I'm surprised or not by this vote. I mean, I think I am because of the whole rice thing, but then again, Garrett has the ability to speak so maybe I'm not really that surprised after all. Anyhow, Garrett is the 2nd person voted out of Survivor Contagion.

So, what did you think of the premiere episode? Do you have any early favorites? Did the snakes eat all of the tarsiers? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!




















35 comments:

  1. That Colette Lala is really, really good at writin' about Survivor and stuff.

    Great recap. You captured the idiocy of the brainiacs, along with the silly Jack Shack (I mean Spy Shack), and the glorious eighth grade mentality of Funbags.

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  2. I thought it was a great premier episode. My early faves are Sarah (gotta support my fellow Iowan, who also just happens to kick ass), LJ, Cliff, Spencer, Kass, and Brice. Not that I necessarily think all of them could do well, they are just who I like so far. Kass and her honesty crack me up. I love people like that.

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  3. Awesome blog as usual quite possibly your best. Loved the premier! No favorite yet but this is off to a great start

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  4. OK, first of all, Kass is a living breathing argument for having an all lawyer survivor season...if its strategy and betrayal and thinking on your fee you want, there it is in spades....

    Kass made a great move getting rid of the train wreck Garrett made of his brief survivor experience....embarASSing is right pal....I will miss him in a Brandon/Coltonish kind of way...in fact, his first soliloquy had me half way convinced he would quit too...nobody likes a quitter (LOL LALA), esp on Survivor but I was finding myself hoping that he might.

    I have stuck through many months of Burpees and Planks, none of which I have performed btw, in hopes you would be back at this. Once you hit me with the first five paragraphs of this I knew why I still had the Lala Contagion. I am sick every Friday during the season unless I get your blog injection the day before...Welcome Back.. Now go outdrink all these weirdos...

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    1. Oh my god, I LOVE that idea - all lawyers. Survivor Tell It To The Judge or something like that.

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    2. Yeah, the idea came to me in a dream/nightmare. Being a member of that profession, I personally would enjoy at least a figurative thinning of the herd....I would be, I think, an excellent casting consultant on that one if not amidst the herd itself...But I can't think of any profession that would make a better candidate for this... Think of the Dimples lead in possibilities....as old as Shakespeare: "The first thing we do is kill all the lawyers." Or a survivor twist on an olde joke: "What do you call 17)lawyers on the bottom of the ocean...a good finish.." Or some social commentary: " Why do lawyers wear ties...to keep the foreskin from flapping up over their necks"...and etc. Anyway, that's a season I'd blog about....

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    3. Being a paralegal, I am all for the Tell it to the Judge season! Awesome!!! Lala! Get Dimples on the phone!!

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    4. How 'bout 2 tribes.....cops vs. lawyers...or better yet crooks vs. lawyers......or even better yet...cops vs. robbers (bust 'em outta jail for 39 days) hubby (he's too old) and all my kids and 1 grandkid are cops, so I got the start of the cop tribe!! :)

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  5. Promising start, or maybe my standards were just lowered so much during the past two seasons, that I'm willing to suckle on any teat with the scent of of greatness. I think the merge will come fairly early, or we'll have another two-merge season with the last two brains members (yes, I think they'll continue to lose) being split one to each tribe. Then a second merge of the two remaining tribes after a few council cullings. Personally, I see Kass getting a long way this season, carrying Tasha and Jeté (sorry, I'm not substituting made-up words, initials and punctuation marks for actual names), as her sacrificial-bitch-and-moron to the final three.

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  6. Brilliant as always. I adore kass

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  7. Well, i definitely won't be asking you again about blogging Amazing Race.
    Nice start to the season. Kass, Sarah, and Cliff Richards are my standouts so far. I see Brainiac Beach going down the same path as matsong, with Kass and Spencer playing the roles of Denise and Malcolm. Cuz I don't see the Brains winning a single challenge like, ever.

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    1. I agree completely about the Matsong parallel. I was thinking the exact same thing last night.

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    2. I couldn't disagree more.

      Matsing had Denise. Denise had a functioning brain. Denise kicked arse in challenges. Denise would not have voted to keep a Hantz-boy-in-drag alive and rice-kicking.

      Spencer almost certainly goes next week as Kass continues her brilliant emulation of Denise by voting out anyone who can contribute anything to winning challenges.

      I guess Kass and Denise are both women and both over 21. Apart from that it's really quite hard to see what they have in common. If you want a real Matsing parallel to Kass, look at Russell.

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  8. So much awesome in this blog! So much stupidity in the "Brains" tribe! I think the cop man should be called Scar after his "I will kill the pride, I will kill the cubs..." Thought he was next going to mention the hyenas.

    Yay for you being back!

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  9. Brilliant job as always Colette! The Brains might have the intelligence thing going on, but the crabs on the beach have more common sense.

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    1. It needs to be said: some of us are very amused by the "130 IQ = Genius" thing.

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  10. Garrett may have never searched for easter eggs, but I can assure you at one point in his life he has searched for the Afikoman at Passover!

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    1. Oooh tell me more about this. I'm attending my first Passover ever this year and I want to be prepared for every Challenge thrown my way. Do we get to vote someone out of the dinner too?

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  11. Oh ha ha ha. You really bring out the best in just how brainiac those brainy people really are.
    Are they going to self destruct. Great recap and great that you're back.

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  12. As usual, your recap is better than the episode itself. Thank you! (And who do we have to bribe to get a lawyer season?!?)

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  13. Good to have you back, bitch! Always entertaining, always snarky, always glittery.

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  14. I'm amazed that the supposed idiots (Beauty) have the best shelter, made fire without flint, and performed well in the challenges. Who know! Not sure who I like, I guess Kass and Spencer. Who's the bitch making fun of Malnutricia? She needs to go. J'ta needs to go too, and fast. Brains were last in line when they handed out good players.

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  15. Very nice take on things! Two well-deserved tribal boots make for an outstanding episode.

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  16. Brilliant! Can't wait for next week.

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  17. Sooo glad my favorite writer is back! So glad Burnett and Co. came to their senses and did away with "loved ones", redemption island, and "multiple twists" themes. Hope the show is going back to it's roots with bad weather, rats, hunger (I know that's cruel). As a bonus, they seem to have snakes slithering all over camp! (Although none of these contestants ever seem to see the snakes. What's up with that? Some sort of camera trick?, but I digress). Really just wanted to thank you so much for the great laugh.

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  18. Soooo glad to have your blog back Colette.....Thanks for your efforts!

    Favorite stuff: Wondering about urination, Mainline Nicotine, Bl.....issfully happy.

    Lawyers undefeated at honesty !?!?!? As If.

    Smart ones: Tasha, Sarah, Spencer and definitely Kass.

    Alexis is my eye candy favorite.

    Thanks again Lala and looking forward to more.

    :VicodinSmoothiesTittyGlitter

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    1. Forgot to add............ please don't ever again talk down about the stunningly pretty and classy Anne Hathaway. ThanksInAdvance

      :VicodinSmoothiesTittyGlitter

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  19. OMG!!! The bitch(Registered) is back, baby! I have been checking on this site like since ever. And how was your hiatus? Hope u wud not leave us stranded midway thru this season? Anyways, thank God you're back with all the skill, humor and goodness that u are.

    I must confess this is a splendid recap, quite worthy of opening the season. I was laffin all thru d recap; and folks were wondering if I was going nuts. Hmmm... Funbags, wot a name for that girl. Not to sound conceited, I think Funbags *coughs* believes she is where she is in life today becos of her funbags. Mehnn, wot red-blooded male wud nt love the sight of those bags waving at him? *Signs* Funbags... I seem not to be able to shake the image of them.

    Now to MalnuTrisha... Permit to ask, how the hell do u get these names? Seriously, they so hit the nail on the head. While reading your recap, some of your inspiration rubbed off me: recall this great line? "BatmAN had RobIN. JordAN had PippIN. Now CliffMAN has WooPIN"

    As to Jedra, she must have cheated on her IQ test not by looking her the piece of paper tucked between her boobs (has she any? Don't think so, if she is on the same island as Funbags) but by being so crazy that the other test takers simply gave her all the answers. Damn! That must be how she also got her PhD-- she held up her craziness for so long, her professors must have concluded, "please, let's let the bitch go with her doctorate, we can't stand her shit anymore!"

    I still keep ROTFL with part that talks about the rice fairy, rice troll, rice nymph and rice satyr. Let me stop here, I need go back to read that part again.

    Bitch, you are so good and crazy with your recaps, that I love you so much, and I'll keep waiting to read up you shit!!!

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  20. Whoa.

    Thanks for making up for ​quitting on last season like a ​NaOnka by absolutely kicking ass with this blog! Fucking awesome. I was afraid you were done with Survivor blogging - floating the idea of a fitness blog, no cast bios, busy house hunting/furnishing, last season sucking ass - I'd have laid money on there being no blog. Glad to see I would have lost that bet.​ Y​ou could do a million burpees ​​and I wouldn't be impressed, but hitting the keyboard again for this NINTH season is goddamn impressive. You clearly have a determined nature and deep well of creativity. Or a muse on crack. Either or.

    Yeah, I'm watching the show after all. Maybe it's all this water I'm drinking making me enthusiastic again? The opening ep was great! I couldn't care less ​about ​who wins anymore, or if justice is served, or about any 'social experiment' crap. I've passed a reality TV show hump that I'm sure you passed long ago; from now on all I wanna see is freaks and weirdos making me laugh. Well, that ep of Survivor ​ful​filled that requirement rather well, wouldn't you say? (Wait, you did ​just ​say. With the blog. Did I mention it was fucking awesome?)

    I don't want this comment to turn into War and Peace, so I'll just pick some stuff I particularly liked:

    Dimples rocking (rocking hard) to Juke. Box. Hero. Created an image in my head that made me smile like a loon on the subway.

    Joan Crawford damn mad. (Although, if you'd said 'Peter Finch damn mad', your cinephile readers would have gotten an even bigger kick.)

    The pic of Garrett. Pro poker player. Brains tribe.

    The gorgeous Jenga (I think I'm in love) being responsible for Chernobyl. She's a Nuclear engineer bitch. Nuke-U-ler.​

    Your fallopian tubes curling, and your nipples inverting. Those two sentences made me feel squeamish and gynaecological. Eww.

    Shenanigans.

    "A Rice Satyr definitely could". Agreed. There's NO WAY a Rice Fairy could have emptied that sack. Kass is an idiot. If she was any sort of a lawyer she'd have figured out the most likely perp was a Rice Satyr. She's probably a racist.

    But by FAR my favourite bit was the self portrait you courageously posted of yourself in that sky blue bikini. Your facebook post was quite right - they ARE spectacular. No wonder you have a bad back.

    See you next week, Funnerbags!





    ​PS: ​A​ctually​, I'd be pretty impressed if you did a million burpees.

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  21. If they put Jenga on puzzle duty one more time I'm flipping a table. I don't think these people cheated on their IQ tests, I think they lied about having an IQ. Like, "oh, im trying out for survivor. Better pretend I'm smart! HA, genius, me...." And now we have a group of idiots playing at being smart. I refuse to believe Garrett was valedictorian....unless he was home schooled, then I can believe it.

    Glad to have blogs back, Lala. Your written word causes much less bodily harm than those burpees did. *cracks back* the pain.....

    -Elle Rose

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  22. seventy twelve to eleventeen had me ROLLING. sigh. you are such a witty writer. it actually doesn't surprise me that the "brain" tribe implodes. that seems to be the way of things when a group of smart people get together. they wind up being totally unable to work together. i don't know if it's because they're used to being the ones to tell the brawn what to do or what.

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    1. That's Corporate America in a nutshell. A bunch of smart people thrown together who can't work together. Unless of course, they can come up with a scheme to rip off shareholders, milk the company and/or customers. That usually brings them together.

      Kass might be pulling a Rob with his Phillip strategy in her move to keep crazy Jenga. Or she had enough of Garrett who won't SHUT THE FUCK UP. Meez thinks it was the latter because after the first tribal Kass was all hell bent on booting Jenga for harmony and her apparent laziness. Jenga obviously didn't redeem herself in the challenge or with her behavior. Plus, Kass can now throw Jenga to the lions any time it suits her.

      By the way Miss Lala, the nickname Jenga was pure Jenius.

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  23. Jefra. The name just pisses me off. It's like, "well honey, your mom and I are both fucktards so we thought it'd be cute to give you a fucktard name too! Ain't it cute?"

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  24. Riddick-ulous has the worst tribal tattoo I have ever seen.

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