"This must be what hell is like" is a phrase people like to throw around when they are in a situation they'd rather not be in. For instance, let's say you're sitting in the DMV surrounded by people that you're not really sure are people at all, but in fact are viruses who have escaped from the petri dishes they were being grown in. That would be a good time to turn to the leprosy experiment next to you, nudge him on the elbow, watch said elbow fall onto the ground and whisper, "This must be what hell is like." Or let's say you're sitting on an airplane (in coach!) with a sneezing lady behind you, a screaming infant in front of you and a talkative cat lady next to you. Again, this is a time where you'd sigh into your $12 Bloody Mary and mutter to yourself, "This must be what hell is like." But is it?
When I think of Satan (and I think of him often) I imagine him to be a proud being, someone full of bravado (and embers and hot lava) who walks around with a swagger and his chest all puffed up. I picture someone who toiled day and night planning the perfect "hell" to which to send your blasphemous souls to. There would be architectural touches like swinging rickety bridges wrapped in barbed wire hanging precariously over a pit of flames. Maybe the air would stink of sulfur and farts and burn your insides every time you inhaled. You'd probably never get any sleep because the river of dead babies would flood your tiny 3 foot by 3 foot cell while the sounds of people vomiting played over the intercom day and night. The floor would be made of thorns as your room spun around and around in endless circles for eternity. You'd suffer from motion sickness, dysentery, oozing pus-filled blisters, a tongue that felt like sand paper, piercing earaches, exposed nerves from the regular tooth extractions you'd have to endure and, most likely, labor pains until the end of time. Now that's a hell to be proud of! That's a hell you'd never willingly sign up for.
So the next time you say, "This must be what hell is like," and you're on a tropical island competing for a million dollars, stop and ask yourself if you've just hurt Satan's feelings. Let's recap, shall we?
(The cast of the Cosby Show starring Tempestt Bledsoe)
We continue our wacky yarn under the cover of night at the Brains tribe. Tempestt (Spencer - his last name is Bledsoe. Get it? Tempestt Bledsoe.) is a little shocked that his tribe chose to keep a rice killer over a game killer. If his tribe is nuts enough to keep a girl who says she requires 1.21 jigawatts to perform everyday tasks like eating, breathing and sleeping, then Tempestt needs to think outside of the box and come up with some sort of crazy plan to stay alive in the game. Being the only male left in the Brains puts his future in Survivor Contagion at great risk. For now, he'll keep his fingers crossed and hope the flux capacitor Jenga (J'tia) sleeps with malfunctions and takes her to another dimension.
Tempestt's concerns about a vagina takeover are indeed valid as Tasha tells us she is planning to approach Kass, attorney at law, to discuss an all girls alliance. But before Tasha can get those vagina wheels in motion, Kass beats her to the punch and says, "Let's just go in as girls." Jenga, lurking in the background, wisely stays silent as Tasha nods in agreement. The three agree that if they lose the next Challenge, Tempestt will be voted out.
As the stars continue to creep their way across the sky indicating the passage of time, we tiptoe on over to the Brawns tribe for a little look-see. Nestled cozily in their bamboo beds, all of the Brawns, save one, are soundly sleeping. Anxiously jittery Tony, however, is tinkering with the fire and contemplating coming clean to Cagney (Sarah). Maybe it wasn't the best idea to lie to her about not being a cop. Maybe if he gets her on his side and invents a silly alliance name, he'll not only have strength in numbers, but he might get asked back to play Survivor again! If there is one thing Dimples and CBS loves, it's an invented parallel universe within the game where spies lurk around every corner and players reenact Three Days Of The Condor as often as possible.
Lucky for Tony, Cagney is also unable to sleep. With a yawn and a swat at the invisible creepy crawlies, Cagney plops herself down next to Tony and is greeted with a confessional whisper. "I've been a cop for thirteen years," Tony admits. Cagney smiles to herself because she knew it all along. Some people have Gaydar. Cagney has Copdar. I, on the other hand, have McConaughdar. If Matthew McConaughey is within a 25 mile radius of a camera, I can predict with 100% certainty that he will at some point slip "Alright, alright, alright" into a conversation. It is a gift I was born with. Please do not attempt it on your own.
Since Tony has just come out of the cop closet to Cagney I have no other choice but to henceforth refer to him as Lacey which give us Cagney & Lacey. Sorry Lacey, but there is no way in hell I'm calling you two Cops 'R Us. We don't idolize that nutty fruitcake Phillip Sheppard on this here little bloggy blog. And don't think I don't know what you're up to, Lacey. I may not be able to decipher your accent (I detected a hint of the Puerto Rican last night mixed in with East Coast rapper), but I can sniff out a player doing anything he can to get asked back for another season. I see you. *does that two fingered motion from my eyes to Lacey's eyes* My McConaughdar is going BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP. Oh wait, that's just my microwave telling me that my Hot Pocket is done. Never mind! Nonetheless, I may not be falling for your high jinks, Lacey, but you can rest assured that CBS is. They fall for that crap almost as easily as I fall for long haired men with no shirts on.
Cagney, for all intents and purposes, is relieved that Lacey has fessed up. There is no bond stronger and truer than the bond between cops. Unless, of course, that bond is with a crooked cop like Lacey who most likely plants drugs at the scene of the crime in order to catch his perp. Lacey is the shadiest cop since Denzel Washington in Training Day. Unfortunately for Cagney, she is a crackerjack cop with the best of intentions who would never dream of lying on the job. It is with this wide-eyed honesty and deep sense of loyalty (respect!) that Cagney eats up Lacey's story about how Lindsey and Cliff want to vote her out of the tribe. Lacey, Laci, Laceé, why can't you play nicey nice with your cop brethren? What if, in the future, you get mixed up in a case in a little town outside of Bah-ston where the locals don't take kindly to people with weirdo Jerseyricanyoyoyobristolese accents? Didn't you ever see In The Heat Of The Night? Trust me, you're going to want Cagney vouching for you.
Someone else isn't too happy with Lacey's crooked ways and that someone is God. As soon as Lacey's tongue unfurled those lies about Cagney being Cliff and Lindsey's target, the sky opened up and replied in anger. The earth shook as the thunder clapped and the leaves shivered as lightening filled the night. With giant rain drops plopping into the shelter, the rest of the Brawns were snapped out of their slumber and forced to endure the remainder of the night huddled together in miserable silence.
Their misery continues into the next day. With the sky grey and the waves crashing ashore with an uncharacteristic ferocity, Cagney & Lacey work together to collect as many palm fronds as possible in an effort to reinforce their leaky shelter. The remaining Brawns sit and examine their bloated and pruney appendages. Cliff's fingers have turned an ashen white while Lindsey's toenails have lost their sticking power and begin to peel off as easily as one peeling off a sticker. On the other hand, Woo, gentle playful Woo, jumps up and down exclaiming, "This is what Survivor is all about, baby!" That's the spirit, Woo! Always look for a silver lining, I say. Crabby snacks and homemades, all the way.
Over at the Beauty tribe, the girls are sad and mopey. Jefra (Did her parents want a son that bad? What the hell kind of a name is Jefra?) whimpers and asks no one in particular why the flies are crawling all over her skin. It is because you are decomposing, Jefra. As a Forensic Entomologist of the renowned I've Seen CSI Institute, flies are the first on the scene when it comes to a dead body. The moist corpse is ideal for a fly's offspring (maggots) to feed on. Basically Jefra, you'll have maggot fingers in a day or so. Maggot fingers and that unfortunate name of yours. And now tears because as I'm watching a replay of the episode, you're crying because you're wet. Are you by any chance related to Prunes (Chelsea)?
(A photo of the rain from the Beauty Beach)
(A photo of the rain on Lanai from the catamaran I was on.)
On the outside with a blank look on his face, LJ silently listens to Jefra bitch and moan about how miserable she is, but on the inside he is shouting a frustrated "these girls are useless!" LJ is a smart guy and he knows that uncomfortable women in camp means that he, Brice and Jeremiah need to get to work reinforcing the shelter and opening coconuts for the soggy womenfolk. Right before his very eyes, LJ is forced to witness the stereotype of beauty being useless for anything other than looking good. However, at the same time, with those whiny moaning women not paying attention to anything but their own misery, LJ can sneak off and see if Funbags (Morgan) was indeed looking for an Idol when they saw her scouring the rocks back on Day 1. With little more than sliding his feet across the bottom of the ocean floor, LJ becomes entangled in a string tied around a rock. As this is isn't a typical phenomenon, he unearths the rock and discovers the Hidden Immunity Idol tied at the end of the string. Yeahhhh boyyyy! Flavor Flaaaav! And yes, any chance I get to work in a photo from my amazing birthday trip to Maui, I will take it!
Back at the Brains tribe, the smarty pants have put their thinking caps on and are now trying to decipher the overly cryptic Tree Mail.
"You will be a-MAZED."
"I think that means there's gonna be a maze!"
"The tribe works together tossing small buckets of water..."
"Hmmm, I don't know what that part means. Keep reading."
"From the ocean into a larger bucket on the end of a teeter totter."
"Ugh! Why can't these Tree Mails just tell us what the Challenge is?"
"Winning Immunity means a dryer shelter too."
"I'll bet that means rice!"
Since Garrett's departure, Tasha has taken it upon herself to become the new camp leader. She rules with an iron... ruler. I realize the phrase is usually "iron fist", but Tasha is more like a schoolmarm than she is an evil dictator. When Tempestt says he needs to get a drink of water before Challenge practice, Tasha looks at him disapprovingly and asks, "You should want to practice. YOU - You should really want us to practice. Know what I'm saying? If we lose someone - T-E-M-P-E-S-T-T - is going home." Tempestt replies by looking down at the ground and fidgeting his feet back and forth. Only until Miss Tasha's erasers were clapped spanking clean was Tempestt permitted to practice with the rest of the tribe.
And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge, you are going to use a bucket to scoop water. Working together to pass the water tribemate to tribemate, you will fill your container where the water magically turns into the color of your tribe. Once your container is full, a ball will drop and two people will then use the ball to solve a vertical maze. The first tribe to finish wins Immunity and a Reward of comfort and shelter which included blankets, pillows, a tarp and a mosquit-ah (Dimples charmingly says mosquit-ah instead of mosquito) net. The second place tribe wins Immunity and a tarp. Brawns, Beauties, you have 1800 extra people, who would you like to sit out? For the Brawns, Lacey and Lindsey sit out. For the Beauties, Jefra and Alexis sit out. Survivors ready, go!
With Tempestt, LJ and MalnuTrisha (Trisha) as the first scoopers, we're off! The first scoopers pass the buckets full of water to the second tossers who toss the bucket to the third tossers who toss just the water to the catchers. Ladies, gentlemen, it's a hot mess of fabulosity. Tosser Tasha tosses her buckets upside down to Jenga. Brice tosses the water straight onto Funbags' funbags and I'm pretty sure MalnuTrisha fell in as soon as Dimples said go.
That being said, the Beauties somehow manage to pull ahead with the Brawns hot on their heels. Meanwhile, poor Kass, attorney at law, is about to sue the pants off of someone if she has to catch another water drop with her bucket. The woman was literally catching drops, like tears, into her giant empty bucket.
With the Brains way behind catching tear by tear, the Brawns and Beauties move onto the vertical puzzle where the... BRAWNS WIN IMMUNITY!!!
And then, dear readers, something miraculous happened. Kass, attorney at law, managed to catch enough tears to move onto the puzzle part and, with her fellow brainiac Tempestt at her side, the two managed to come from behind and slide their way into a stunning victory. BRAINS WIN IMMUNITY!!! Congratulations Brains! Now, Brainy People, let's remember that you NEVER put Jenga on a puzzle EVER again. Got it? Put Kass, attorney at law, on the puzzle because she clearly knows what's what.
Once again, instead of immediately heading to the Beauty tribe to make fun of them, we get sidetracked by a quick jaunt to the Brawns. With smiles on their faces and pillows under their arms, the Brawns whoop whoop into camp and dive into redesigning their shelter. With the tarp safely in place, Lacey scurries over to the pile of pillows and blankets and quickly searches it for anymore clues or Idol. If you'll remember Lacey found the Idol last week, but he wants to make sure that if another clue is lurking about that it is in his hands as opposed to anyone else's. After slicing open the pillows and shaking all the feathers out, Lacey indeed finds another clue. he then quickly shoves it in his shorts and acts like nothing is amiss. Later on, when no one else is looking, he'll commit it to memory, burn it and bury the ashes somewhere behind the Spy Shack. He may be crooked and shady, but he is indeed thorough.
And now we finally get to make fun of those stinky Beauties. As soon as they arrive back at camp, Jefra and Alexis go into overdrive congratulating everyone on a job well done in the Challenge while Jeremiah distracts himself getting the fire going again. As we are soon about to find out, young Jeremiah doesn't like confrontation. He's the quiet sort who likes to make all of his plans in his head as opposed to workshopping them with various people. LJ, on the other hand, decides to take a shot in the dark and ask the tribe if any of them actually wants to go home. If you think about it, it's not as silly as it sounds. Those girls have been sitting around miserable day in and day out so it was worth a shot just in case one of them had ideas about quitting. Unfortunately for LJ, none of the women take the bait.
As it turns out, LJ, Jefra, Jeremiah and Alexis are in some mystery alliance we had no idea even existed. That leaves Brice and Funbags on the outs. LJ's plan is to get rid of Brice because Funbags will be easy to get rid of later on down the road. Hearing this, I wished for the rain to start up again. I did rain dance after rain dance to no avail. I was hoping there was an outside chance I could make one of those silly girls start crying again and force LJ to reconsider who he wanted to keep around. I was willing to go out on a limb for my Purple Passion known as Brice. I will always choose a blog reader over a non blog reader. Always! That's how I roll. Gangsta. *smacks chest and looks tough* And by gangsta I mean, you be nice to me and I'll be nice to you.
Speaking of my Purple Passion, just look at him! Thick stripes, skinny stripes, wiggedy whack boxer shorts. Come on! Not everyone can make an outfit like that work. Certainly not Alexis (who?) or Jeffrey (Jefra). Brice is no dummy though, he can feel a vibe when one is circulating and something is telling him that some of the others on the tribe might see him as a social threat. He decides to touch base with Jeremiah and make sure that he is loyal to the alliance they created with Funbags last week. While talking to Jeremiah, Brice discovers that LJ is indeed targeting him. Instead of panicking and getting upset, Brice tells Jeremiah that LJ is sure to target him next. Now, honestly, I'm not sure where the logic is behind that statement, but hell - it's good enough for me! So, Jeremiah, wachu gonna do?
(she's wearing the sneakers I want! except I don't want them in that color.)
Jeffrey immediately scurries over to Jeremiah to ask him what in the sam hell Funbags was talking about. Here's what you need to know about Jeremiah, you have to listen and watch carefully for his replies. They often come in the form of his throat clearing (that translates to no) or a negligible shifting of his weight from one foot to the other (that means yes). Sometimes they come in one syllable grunts that I haven't yet decoded. For example...
"Funbags just came up to me and said all kinds of crazy stuff!"
"She said you're in an alliance with her and Brice."
"And you and Brice and her are all voting for Alexis."
He's a nice enough lad in real life, but - don't read this next part Jeremiah - you guys, I think he might be a serial killer. I'm just putting it out there. He's one of those still waters run deep guys and he scares the crap out of me! The stillness, the unintelligible dialogue, the tiny grunts. He's definitely skinned things at some point in his life. Fingers crossed those things weren't people or puppies. I like puppies.
It is only when Jeremiah (the serial killer) is away from people does he begin to open up. As it turns out, his main goal is to run the tribe (into the ground with dead bodies). I'm not exactly sure how he plans to do that and I have no idea how his vote tonight will bring him to his goal (of blood and guts). I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
And here we are at Tribal Council. Dimples begins by asking Funbags what it is like to be on the Beauty tribe and do any of the stereotypes of being "beautiful" factor into tribe life. Funbags doesn't want to sound conceited, but they have good looking faces! Umm I'm not sure that answered the question. Brice, on the other hand, takes a more diplomatic route and says that his beauty comes from his inner strength and the experiences he has overcome in his life. And then, like a sprinkling of glitter over all of us, Brice says that he is in the midst of The Butterfly Effect. He used to be a caterpillar, but he has emerged from his cocoon and is now a fluttery beautiful butterfly. *tear* Jeremiah answered with "sgu." Quick, you guys, what does that mean? Dimples could be in trouble!
After regaling us with stories of how tribe life was just one big party of beautiful people until the storm came, Jeffrey confesses that no one has talked strategy at all until today.
Then Brice gave that moppet a side eye and we all laughed and laughed. Perhaps Jeffrey never talked strategy before today, but other people surely have. Staying with Brice, he tells Dimples that certain people named Alexis haven't talked strategy with him at all. When asked if he will be voting out Alexis tonight, Brice replies, "I feel like everyone should pull their own weight around camp, you know? *pause for effect* Dot, dot, dot, hmmm!"
This is how Alexis reacted. And this is how her face stayed until the votes were read and we got a blasted three way tie between Alexis, Brice and Funbags and her face broke out into a huge smile. I don't like where this is going at all and I'm tempted to yell at Jeremiah, but... I don't want to die. After the revote, we are delivered the unfortunate news that we must bid adieu to that gorgeous butterfly, Brice. Fly away young Brice. Flutter. Werk! You will be missed.
So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Did the right person get voted out? How many innocent people are in jail because of Lacey's chicanery? Does Jeremiah bury the bodies under or behind his house? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!