Thursday, April 10, 2014

A Pillow Or A Person

I'm supposed to write a blog today. I'm supposed to recap last night's shenanigans in a charmingly witty way. I'm supposed to.

But, but, but... ribbons and lace and hat boxes and scented candles! Too distracting. Look over there. A flouncy petticoat and a delicate pink shawl! And over there. A cameo necklace. And, and, and... dried flowers, a string of pearls, panty hose hanging over the shower door, a harp! Good god, not a harp. And not just an everyday harp, but a harp with a pink tufted stool next to it. What a travesty. It might as well be an olden timey perfume bottle. You know the ones. The kind with the puffy atomizer pump festooned with fringe and dangling beads.

So many pretty pretty trinkets to gaze longingly at. And me here in my Lily Pulitzer canopied bed. Crabtree & Evelyn hand cream on my decoupaged nightstand. An empty Wedgewood teacup with a dried stiff chamomile teabag stuck to the side of it. And me lying here in my nightie overcome with estrogen. It courses through my veins and seeps through every pore. It paints my toenails pink and makes my skin smell of jasmine bath oils. It puts soft bouncy curls in my hair and adorns my earlobes with the daintiest diamond studs.

Dear readers I ask you, how can I possibly string sentences together with dream bubbles of fluffy kittens and meadows full of wild flowers dancing above my head? This estrogen is so debilitating. It cripples my logic. It exhausts my very being. Oh pesky pesky estrogen. Instead, I'll lie back on my silk pillow, lower my eye shades and sink back down into my Egyptian cotton where I'll hopefully once again dream of bluebells, wisteria and silver hand mirrors.

Let's recap, shall we?

We continue our feminine fete with the most womanly of symbols, that goddess of tides and seasons, the ever-present moon gazing down upon Ovarian (Solarrion). Head jostling muggy mug Tempestt (Spencer), spasming from within over being bamboozled by a woman, shakes his head ferociously while Kass, attorney at law, shrugs her shoulders and nonchalantly says that she understands how people might be mad at her. You see, Kass is a pragmatist. She sees things for what they are on the surface rather than stopping to ponder the whys of the way people conduct themselves. Either a thing is fact or fiction. Fact: Cagney (Sarah) was incredibly annoying and had to go. Fact: Kass thinks blindsides are fun. Fact: Kass is playing for Kass to win, not anyone else.

So, considering all of these facts and the systematic way in which Kass sees the world, it is not only perplexing but tit bouncingly hysterical when Tempestt, oh manly Tempestt, accuses Kass of being yanked hither and thither because of her estrogen. Like, "You can't think straight because of your estrogen." Or, "You didn't play how I wanted you to play because of your damn estrogen." Yo Tempestt, pop a Midol and place a heating pad on your ovaries, dude. Cagney didn't like Kass and could have turned on her at any moment. I'm sorry if that tangles up your hair ribbons, but not every decision in the game is about you. Kass hornswoggled you and now you're going to have to deal with it. If clutching your pearls and telling everyone to shut up is how you get through the bad times then so be it. But in the words of the great Ramona Singer, "TAKE A XANAX! CALM DOWN!"

Emboldened with the satisfaction of a blindside well done, Kass awakens to a new day prepared not to take anyone's shit. She got rid of a know-it-all, had two big threatening guys play their Idols unnecessarily and this morning she's feeling pretty proud of herself. I love days like that. Those days after you've just kicked some ass and you're brimming over with self confidence and entitlement. Snide remarks you'd normally let slide suddenly become fuel for you to finally put people in their place. You're fearless. You're plucky. And you're not going to take it anymore when a windpipe like Funbags (Morgan) lolls about and expects everyone to wait on her hand and foot...

"Ah we gettin' some wutter tah-day?"
"Maybe Funbags can get the water today."
"Wah iz she?"
"In her usual place."
"Funbags, youse gettin' wutter?"
"I can get water but I don't see how her saying it in a rude way is going to make me get water."
"Everything I say to you is going to be in a rude way because you've been being rude to me."

BAM! POW! Suck on that, Funbags. Get off your lazy ass and do something. Kass, and everyone else, is pretty fed up with how Funbags thinks she's the center of the universe. Funbags is under the assumption that people keep her around for her "cuteness" when in actuality she's like the old dog who pees on himself. She just sits there in a puddle of her own filth and expects others to clean it up for her.

To hear Funbags tell her side of the story is pretty appalling. You'd think that maybe she'd justify resenting Kass for how she betrayed her alliance, but nooooo. No, that's not what Funbags does. Instead, Funbags says that Kass is a bitter ugly old lady who is probably used to being ignored all her life. Whereas, and she doesn't mean to sound conceited, Funbags is "cuter" than Kass. First off, Funbags, pet, you're not that cute. You've got big tits. That's why people give you attention. I've got some luscious knockers myself and, believe me, when I wear a low cut top I can pretty much get whatever I want. Let's call a spade a spade here. Guys are mesmerized by tits and ass. They are simpletons that when they see two pieces of flesh pressed together their brains go jingle jangle and they start speaking in tongues. It doesn't mean you, my dear, have magical powers. ALL women can do the same if they bend over at the right angle. There are millions of girls much much prettier than you are so you can just climb down off that high horse of yours. The more you speak and do that "I don't mean to be conceited but I'm cute" thing that you do, the uglier you become. In fact, I'm willing to bet that every male viewer would prefer it if your mouth was duct taped shut and you had a bag over your head. All they want to see are the boobies struggling against those two small pieces of fabric.

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Reward Challenge, you'll be split up into two teams. Each team will have to walk across a balance beam, climb up a wall, drag a treasure chest up said wall, and solve a puzzle. The Purple team will be Kass, MalnuTrisha (Trish), Lacey (Tony), Woo and Tasha. The Orange team will be Tempestt, LJ, Funbags, Jeffrey (Jefra) and Jeremiah. You'll be playing to be a part of a commercial for Outback Steakhouse's Bacon Margarita. Gross. Survivors ready, go!

And with the magic of fast forwarding and my complete and utter refusal to recap Challenges anymore... ORANGE TEAM WINS REWARD!!! And at home we all groaned knowing that Funbags is happy.

Back at Ovarian, it's a silver lining kind of a day. Crabby snacks and homemades for everyone! Instead of being down and out about their loss, the Purple team members decide to keep their heads up and enjoy a double helping of rice for lunch. With those pesky Reward Challenge winners gone, Kass uses the opportunity to bring up the next Tribal Council. She asks the group who they're more worried about, Tempestt or Jeremiah. Lacey brings up how Jeremiah doesn't talk too much (because he's busy hacking them all to bits in his mind) while Kass suggests that Tempestt is good at challenges. MalnuTrisha, however, thinks that Kass should make the decision between the two since she has hung out with Tempestt more than any of the former Brawns have. Kass quickly poo-poo's that idea not wanting the weight of that responsibility on her shoulders.

In an aside to us, Kass declares that as far as she is concerned, she is still a free agent and has no alliance. She wants it known that she has no intention of calling the shots like Cagney did. Listening to all of this, Lacey hopes that Kass is telling the truth. He hopes that she's serious about voting with them at the next Tribal Council.

Meanwhile, off at the Reward, the Orange team is arriving at a makeshift Outback Steakhouse shack. Unfortunately, we get Funbags describing it all in that monotone lazy voice of hers which means we all nodded off and only awakened when our heads banged into our tumblers of gin. Ouchie. The girl talks like she's reading a scientific journal about the mating habits of insects or something. It's brutal. ANYHOW, after caveman Tempestt finished shoving handfuls of red meat into his mouth, he finally decides to wipe his hands. And what do you suppose was tucked inside of his napkin? Yup, you guessed it. A clue to another Hidden Immunity Idol. The scene ends with Jeremiah announcing, "I'll stick a fork in all y'all. You're done!" *stab stab stab*

Back at Ovarian, just as the Orange team is returning with their full bellies, the sky opens up and the rains return. With our soggy Survivors tucked away inside the shelter, Tempestt decides that now is the best time to steal away to read his clue and hunt for the Idol. Woo watches Tempestt sneak off into the trees and, as a long time fan of Survivor, he knows that the chances are pretty high that Tempestt discovered a clue while at the Reward.

Tempestt, all gestures and face scrunches, lacks the ability to do anything stealthily when followed by a cameraman. He can't simply express his frustration in words, he has to dramatically toss his arms upwards and exhale loudly before placing his hands on his waist. This is the universal pose for "Hmm I know it's around here somewhere, but gosh darn is this is going to be tough." Look, I know you're looking for the Idol and the clue is vague. I know you'll have a time of it. All of the viewers know. We know because we're already following you. The sweeping of the arms and the tortured facial expressions are unnecessary - unless you're a mime in training. In which case, can you give Funbags some lessons because her monotone voice drives me nuts? Thanks.

So with Tempestt gesticulating wildly for the benefit of his cameraman, Woo, stealthy light on his feet Woo, follows the gestures in hopes of finding the Idol for himself. With his man buns tied tightly he creeps about through the brush careful not to make a sound while weirdo mime Tempestt auditioning for the Commedia dell'Arte disrobes magnifying each movement. It is a long drawn out ridiculous show that involved placing the clue in his teeth, holding his pants up to his face as he lines up the pleats and then finally, finally!, he placing the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol ON TOP of the fabric of his pants. On. Top. He doesn't tuck it safely deep down in the pocket nor does he hide it in the toe of his shoe. He places a loose piece of parchment atop his khakis before flimsily throwing an empty leg over it.

With Woo lurking in the bushes watching his every movement, Tempestt attempts and fails to find the Idol. Frustrated and wet, Tempestt moves to another part of the creek to continue his search running smack dab into Ninja Woo. Woo brushes it off and pretends that he too is out for a walk. The two exchange a "Hey buddy" and a "Yup, out walking" before each going on their merry way. Woo then comes across Tempestt's khakis and, being the good samaritan he is, tosses them to Tempestt.

According to the laws of physics and gravity and common sense, if you throw a pair of pants in the air with a piece of paper loosely resting on them, that piece of paper will fall to the ground and a delightful chase scene will ensue. Upon seeing the piece of paper on the ground, Woo snatches it up and hauls ass into the woods. Only after signaling with his arms and forming his lips into an "O" while his eyes bug out does Tempestt take off running after Woo. Lighter, quicker, and not pausing for costume changes or denouements, Woo whizzes through the trees "Sonic The Hedgehog Style" cutting back and forth across the path and back to camp.

What can Tempestt do but pause to take the stage alone and dramatically lift his hand to his brow and exhale? Well, I'll tell you one thing he can do. He can stop yukking it up and keep chasing after Woo!

Woo arrives at camp breathless and immediately asks the sleeping Funbags and her ladies in waiting if they knew about Tempestt having the clue for the Idol. Funbags yawns and looks at Woo with an annoyed look on her face. She doesn't mean to be conceited or anything, but Woo isn't nearly as cute as she is. Then she rolls over again and goes back to sleep. Woo, however, gathers up his troops and heads off to find the clue himself. Shortly thereafter, Tempestt arrives whining and kicking rocks about how Woo stole his clue. Not only is he tattling and whining but he's lying. He tells his alliance that Woo threw his pants in the water and stole his clue. Woo did no such thing! Woo tossed the pants to Tempestt not even knowing that the clue was there to begin with. Shady shady Tempestt then begs his own troops to help him in the search. Watching Funbags awaken and put one foot in the front of the other shocks everyone especially Lacey. He remarks, "You know it's bad when Funbags, the girl that you can't tell if she's a pillow or a person, because she doesn't do anything, you know it's serious, when she's up off her ass looking for this Idol." Serious indeed.

And so, with both alliances feverishly looking for the Idol, Tempestt stands to the side slapping his legs, kicking rocks and sighing loudly. Eventually he rejoins the search and rescue and wouldn't you know it? Flibberty jibbit. He finds the Idol stuck deep inside of a mud wall. Dammit! I wanted someone else to find out so Tempestt would maybe act out his own suicide and succeed. I can't stand him! (I don't really want him to die. I just, you know, want him to go away! He angers me so with his FACE.)

For Tempestt. Maui, January 2014

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge you will stand on your toes with a block wedged between your head and the frame. When your block falls, you are out of the Challenge. Tempestt, since he's a major douche, has to wedge the sea urchin I found on the beach in Maui between his head and the frame instead of the block. Last person standing wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!

Plop, plop, plop. All the Survivors drop. And who are we left with? Ugh! TEMPESTT WINS IMMUNITY!!! Damn him!

With Tempestt safe from the vote, the big question now is whom to send home. The big alliance of six meets on the beach to discuss their options. LJ suggests that Funbags is the easy and obvious choice while MalnuTrisha suggests that Tasha should go instead. Tasha made it to 2nd place in that last Immunity Challenge and that makes her a threat now. Lacey, however, my man Lacey is worried that if one of the other alliance does have the Idol that they would be more inclined to use it on Tasha over Funbags. No one in their right mind would sacrifice their Idol to save that lazy lump. I mean, lumps. To emphasize his point Lacey points to the shelter where Funbags is resting and says, "Look at her! Will everybody just look at her?! She does nothing but sleep. Get her the hell off the island." Lacey's logic begins to make some sense to the others as it begins to look like Funbags will be the target. And if for some reason, Tribal Council gets crazy like it did last time, Tasha will be their Plan B choice.

Seeing the other alliance talking and planning, Jeremiah asks his group who they're voting for tonight. Funbags mumbles "Kass" followed by "But our votes aren't going to count anyways." Tempestt then suggests that maybe they should all vote Lacey instead in the off chance that he does something stupid at Tribal. Funny one-liners, a laugh like a loon and giggling at the other Survivors while pointing at them does NOT count as "something stupid" I'll have you know.

In thinking about his plan to try to get rid of my precious Lacey, Tempestt comes to the conclusion that he has no other choice but to make a pitch to Kass, attorney at law, to flip again. Kass predicted this might happen and she was right! She knew her old alliance would be mad at her, but she also knew that, in a bind, they'd beg for her to come back. Kass responds to Tempestt's pitch by telling him that she'll seriously think about it and that it's definitely an option for her. Personally, this isn't the response I was hoping to hear. I like Kass and I like several people in her new alliance (Lacey, MalnuTrisha, Woo, LJ), but I don't like the idea of having her piss them off. Tempestt and his crew of thumbtacks might get over betrayal quickly, but Lacey and his crew won't.

The big question now is, what will Kass do? And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples begins by asking Lacey about what went down at last week's Tribal. Lacey tells him that the wind simply switched directions and now they have an alliance of 6 instead of 4. Kass very matter of factly raises her hand, "And Dimples, obviously I was the wind that blew through." In the Jury stands, Cagney rolled her eyes, but at home I laughed and I laughed. I love a confident Kass. She's succinct and she doesn't waste anyone's time with politically correct answers.

We then turn to Tempestt who makes a sad face and admits that he got a little out of hand after the last Tribal. He then says something that I couldn't make head or tails of. He says he'd rather go out of the game now with a risk at winning (?) and then he mimed a bunch of things, winked and danced a jig. I don't know what it was supposed to mean, but I think it's something like, "Look at me! Look how I can be dynamic and interesting!"

And this brings us to Funbags. *sigh* Funbags is as about as smart as a doorknob. And her logic, well let's just say that she has none. She admits being weak in Challenges and then farts out something like, "If everyone in the world could choose to be cute or ugly, most would pick cute." And then I thought to myself, "Well, why didn't you?" Ba dum bum! I'm here all week, people. Alright look, Funbags is a dolt with big jugs and if Kass had any inkling to cross back to Tempestt's side, Funbags just completely destroyed it by opening her mouth and letting words fall out of it. More importantly, I gotta scoot. I'm about to become a homeowner (OH MY GOD) and this little lady has to finally stop eating grapes by hanging the bunch over her mouth and go find herself some real live bowls to put them in. By a vote of 75 ugly people, Funbags is the 8th person voted out of Survivor Contagion.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Does Tempestt bother anyone else or is it just me? If an ugly person farts in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Is Woo faster than Sonic the Hedgehog? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. Simpletons???


    How dare you call us that! We're much more evolved than....MMMMM, boobies.

    Dammit Lala, stand up straight! I know what you're doing here. Your cleavage isn't going to stop me from commenting.

    This is such a fun season. The pillows line was one of the greatest ever, and Funbags going on and on about being waited on hand and foot because she's supposedly cute was such an eyeroller.

    I actually liked Tempestt the first couple of episodes, especially when he was the only "brain" to do anything in competitions. But he's impossible to deal with now, and that scene with Young Woo spying on him was classic. Too bad the camera crew didn't help somebody else out to actually find it, as that would have been the perfect end to that storyline.


  3. The intro to this week's blog was over the top delish...and so was Woo ninja style stalking Tempesett...and OMG Funbags you sure enjoy swimming in the shallow end of the pool....lots of entertainment recently and if your homeownership gets takes the time you would need to write next week's blog, announce it on FB and I will ghost for you....and I mean ghost, a mere wisp of reality, but a wisp at least....

  4. Love reading your blogs!!! Kass is the best, in my opinion. I love how she acts like she has not a care in the world. :)

  5. I love Spencer, he's a rare combination of challenge threat and good game strategy. His social game isn't perfect but it's not too bad either. I think his weirdness is just a part of his personality, and in no way is he doing it consciously. Kass, on the other hand, I cannot stand. She makes things interesting with her unpredictable behavior, but with all of her flip-flopping and wishy-washiness she's playing herself out of any chance to win. Yet she's actually proud of herself by "playing her game," which apparently consists of pissing off a bunch of potential jury voters. Talk about conceited.

  6. I like Spencer as well, he is obviously the brainiest of the Brain tribe but if something on a grand scale don't swing his way then may not be around too much longer but he does have an idol so that is good.

    Did you see in the Ponderosa clips how friendly Morgan and Sarah are. Quite a surprise.

  7. In all my seasons of watching Survivor I will miss Morgan the most. She really is beautiful. Would you rather be born pretty, or ugly? Rich or poor? Nothing wrong with that. Kass has convinced herself that she didn't really betray her alliance, and that she's not really a flipflopper, which of course she is. She says she practices law by ambush and blindside. I can't wait until she gets to that point in the game where she needs someone to help her and they send her dried up ass packing. Funbags, on a primal level, has Kass all figured out.

  8. Have to disagree. Can't stand Kass - enjoy watching Spencer. Have to think she was stupid to move from a top 3 in her old alliance to the disposable bottom of her new one.

  9. I couldn't agree with Colette more - Funbags is so NOT cute. Don't get me wrong - there are chicks I would sleep with if I went that way. Angelina Jolie, Hallie Berry, Salma Hayek, ...I'd even love my myselfsome some juicy Jennifer Lawrence. Funbags- get over yourself - breast implants do not equal cute

  10. I commented last week that Funbags needed to go next. So YAY! I like Spencer before, but he has completely lost it. Tony is now my favorite but he has erroneously taken the leadership role of his alliance...the kiss of death. He better find the super powerful hidden amunity idol!

    And congrats, Lala, on home ownership!

  11. Dear Morgan: Beauty fades; stupidity endures. You will soon find out that "having big boobs" is not a good career plan once you pass 25. And you know what? Those "old and ugly" women won't hire your bitchy ass when you're 40, divorced with 2 kids and living in a trailer with no skills. Mean girls like you always get their comeuppance.

  12. The idol that Spencer found included instructions for playing it (after the votes have been cast but before the votes are read). When is the last time an immunity idol came with instructions? It's always worked that way, and everyone knows it.

    That makes me think that this gives us a hint about the new idol. The only reason the survivors would need those instructions would be to distinguish the regular idol from the new kind of idol. Is it possible that the new idol is able to be played AFTER the votes are read? That seems like it would make it TOO powerful, but who knows?

    1. The very first idols were played AFTER the votes were read so if you had it you could save yourself after knowing you had been voted out. Somewhere along the line the rules were changed. Don't remember which season.

  13. Awesome recap. So much fun to read, at times better than watching an episode. Or I can say watching an episode is not complete with reading Lala's blog ;)

  14. Estrogen. Ovarian. Dream bubbles and bluebells. Lying back on silk pillows and accepting 'Egyptian cotton' into my cervix.

    I'm pretty sure reading this week's intro made me pregnant.

    What have you done to me? What have you done to me, you MANIAC?!!

  15. As a professional Sand Art critic, I just knew you had a masterpiece in you. "For Tempestt" is brilliant. A perfectly captured black tempest in the finest ​of ​Maui sand​s​. Spiky and hither. Thither and blam! Chaos theory and explodey particles, Dark Matter infusion blended. 'Tis the Universe itself, microcosmic.

    I think you are ready to exhibit.

  16. I liked Spencer the first few episodes, but am with Lala. I hate looking at his face now, it bugs. His expressions bug me, he bugs me.
    In the beginning I thought Funbags was a cute girl. But after staring at her a lot in amazement of her conceitedness, I concluded that not only does she have 2 big knockers, but she usually has 2 chins also. She's not that cute after all.

    My favorite part of your blog was simple this week. The titles of Tempestt's photos, such as "ihateyourface", made me chuckle.

    I am liking Kass right now as well. Not 100%, but as of now, I wouldn't be bummed if she won.

  17. I like Spencer and dislike Tony a lot. I would hate to be a citizen where he is a cop. He is greasy.

    1. You like and dislike and insult someone based on a total of maybe 1 hour of airtime they have gotten. Typical idiot.

    2. Does anyone else think that this person is tony ^^. Lala is often (not always) nicest to those who read her blog and this guy seems to have taken offence to the comment.

      Anyway I am really enjoying this season but for once im not agreeing with who you are liking. I think Spencer is great, although he says some stupid stupid shit, Kass is way too full of her self. so smug all the time. Tony is fun to watch but i dont like him as a person, clearly no loyalty to anyone but himself and seems to have the subtly of a blunt axe, although that could be the editing. His new Idol is way too powerful, basically means he will have to get voted off twice. Agree Morgan was boring and plain, but my god did those two bounce around. I bet the camera men stuck in the forrest used their zooms once or twice.

  18. Why aren't you writing anymore?

    1. I moved last week and they still haven't turned on my TV or Internet yet. I haven't even watched last night's episode - a first in 14 years. Long story short, real life is a little nuts and hectic right now.

  19. Moving sucks like that - hope you can get back to us soon! We, your adoring public, miss your delightfully sarky synopses! Survivor just ain't the same without em.

  20. I'm sorry, but I fail to see why being unable to watch the episode is an impediment to producing a blog. Lala, have you ever wondered what your brain would produce if you attempted a Bitchy Survivor Blog without having seen the episode? I mean, you could pretend the episode played out exactly as you would've wanted, and blog that! The only limit would be your imagination; think of it - Dimples could be shirtless, the reward challenge could end in a drunken orgy, and Angelina Jolie could even show up and cut everyone to death with her maleficent cheekbones!

    Of course, I'm assuming you enjoy blogging. Survivor won't last forever you know. Furniture stores will still exist in June, and the next June, and all the Junes after that.

  21. Thoughts on next fall being a sequel to the worst season in Survivor history?

    1. My thoughts EXACTLY! I HATED the Blood vs. water AKA the loved ones season. HATE returning players. Sick to death of the same damn faces every season/every other season. They have thousands of applicants, people admit that they have applied 3-4 times before making it and they just keep recycling the same old players season after season. Give some new people the chance to play before you continuously keep bringing back the same boring people. You had your chance move on!