Thursday, March 13, 2014

Don't Do Something Stupid!

Let us, if you will, take a trip back in time. Back to the olden timey days when men clubbed women over the head as a marriage proposal and furkinis were everyday attire. Back before Benjamin Franklin flew his kite, before Madame Curie slaved away in her ramshackle lab shanty, before Jesse Eisenberg invented The Facebook as a place for people to beg for prayers. Back to when "survival of the fittest" actually meant something. Let us rev up our DeLoreans and punch in 3,000,000 B.C.

*vroom vroom* 88 miles per hour *whoosh!*

So here we are in our cave. There are stick figure drawings on the wall, fur pelt tapestries, ornery Sleestak roaming around in the forest, a bison leg roasting over the fire and some chickens noisily strutting around the cave's entrance. The CaveKids like to keep baby chicks as pets so when Henrietta lays an egg CaveDad takes the egg and places it inside the egg incubator, plugged into the cave wall mind you, where the temperature is set to an optimum 99.5 degrees. CaveFamilies are still trying to pull their carts around with square wheels yet they've perfected how to bring baby chicks into the world with an ELECTRIC INCUBATOR. Thank you, Jefra. Thank you for destroying young children's minds with your gobbledygook. Let's recap, shall we?

(Ann Reinking in All That Jazz)

We begin where we always begin - deep in melancholy trying to process what just happened at Tribal Council. Some like to become pensive and wade around in their own thoughts before speaking. Others like to push all the icky memories out of their mind and pretend Tribal never happened. And then we have Funbags (Morgan). Bouncy and quick-tempered, Funbags says the first thing on her mind and that thing is, "Jeremiah is a stupid stinky face!" I am instantly reminded of myself back in the 2nd grade. I was in Catholic school and it was Halloween. Me and another girl - I can't remember her name so I'll call her ShitHead - were the final two for Best Costume. ShitHead was a French Maid (a 2nd grader in Catholic school was a French Maid!) and I was a dancer in All That Jazz complete with fishnets, a hat and, inexplicably, a cane. One might say, "But Lala, you balk at a French Maid in 2nd grade yet you were wearing fishnets!" Yeah, so?

ANYHOW, no one could decide who had the better costume, me or ShitHead. The class voted and it was a dead tie. After I made a mental note to kill everyone who voted against me, the teacher made the decision to send us to the front office and have the office ladies decide which one of us had the best costume. ShitHead stood there with a stupid smile on her face holding her skirt out at both sides while I stood there with one hand on my cane, the other at the edge of my hat and my sassy little hip jutted out to the side. I was all Fosse, baby, and I was serving up some major 'tude. After what seemed like an eternity of debating in front of us...

"Isn't her skirt darling?"
"But look at that one with her hat and cane!"
"The French Maid has a pretty brooch though."
"The jazz girl just winked at us!"
"No, I like the French Maid better."
"Ok fine. We'll give it to the French Maid."

Why my defender gave in so easily is a mystery to me. She clearly had insecurity issues and probably ate entire pound cakes in one sitting while bemoaning the fact that she couldn't land a husband back at her shitty apartment every night, but I digress! So ShitHead won Best Costume and I was FURIOUS. I waited until recess and while playing handball with one of my friends I complained, "I hate ShitHead so much! I'm never talking to her again!" Like it was ShitHead's fault I lost and not the manic depressive's in the front office. Now, why am I relating this tale in this here little bloggy blog? Because FunBags is just like 2nd grade me! If something doesn't go her way, she stomps her foot and vows to get revenge.

Silence Of The Lambs

After Funbags calls Jeremiah a poopy head, she asks him in front of everyone why he changed his mind when all along he said he was in an alliance with Funbags and Brice. Jeremiah replied the only way he knows how - with some syllables, "Fer smuh gra lerg." As a trained entomologist, I don't speak serial killer, but I can only assume he said something like, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."

The next day we rise and shine with those brainiacs on the Brains tribe. Tree Mail!

"Can you see yourself as a leader? Can you see when you're about to fall? Can you see your tribe winning some protein when you can't see at all?"
"We're playing for another tarp!"
"And it sounds like we'll be wearing ear plugs."
"Let's practice!"

Once again Tasha the teacher takes the lead during practice time. With her tribe sitting around her in a circle wearing coconut shell earmuffs, Tasha begins to lead a class in lip reading. Enunciating her words dramatically, Tasha mouths things as her tribe takes turns guessing what she's saying. Tasha would mouth, "Immunity" and Jenga would guess, "Radiation!" Yep, they're going to nail this Challenge!

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For Today's Challenge, one person will be the caller while the rest of the tribe will be blindfolded. Using only verbal commands, the caller will direct a pair of blindfolded tribe members to collect 5 items. Each time you bang into a post and pierce your reproductive organs, you bring back the item and hoist it up to the caller. Once you've collected all 5 items, the caller will send you out to deliver your stillborn baby and get one final tribe flag. The first tribe to raise their flag wins 3 egg laying hens and a rooster. The 2nd place tribe wins a dozen eggs. The tribe in last place gets the gift of never having children.

Brawns, you have 200 extra people on your tribe. Who are you sitting out? Woo and Cagney (Sarah).
Beauty, saline breasts can pop if you bang them too hard, who are you sitting out? Funbags.

Survivors ready, go!

I loathe recapping Challenges so I'll just say this - if the Christian Right gets their way and shuts down Planned Parenthood, simply sign up for Survivor and do this Challenge. It's cheaper than a regular abortion and you can bypass those nutty protesters. It's a win win!

So yeah, basically LJ, Tempestt (Spencer) and Lindsey will never know the miracle that is parenthood. Neither will I (by choice). And this guarantees them (and me!) a happy fun-filled selfish life until their deaths. Enjoy!

In the end, those silly Beauties won the chickens with the Brawns taking home the eggs. Brains, might I suggest you eat Tasha or Jenga?

Survivor Chickens

Wild Chickens on the Road To Hana, Maui 

Back at the Beauty tribe, LJ remarks that this win is exactly what they needed to lift their spirits. Until, that is, Alexis and Jeffrey (Jefra) decided to speak and his spirit once again plummeted down into the great unknown. As the tribe oohs and ahs over their chickens, Alexis stares at the fowl quizzically and asks if the hens and rooster have to do the hibbidy dibbidy in order to produce an egg. Jeffrey isn't sure, but she knows that the eggs definitely need an incubator in order to hatch. As we learned in my opening paragraphs with the cavemen, throughout history various societies, whether they be the Egyptians, the Vikings or the Florentines during the Italian Renaissance, everyone who raised chickens had incubators despite the fact that electricity hadn't been invented yet. Jeffrey may have that thigh gap every girl is pining for nowadays, but she also has a gap where her brain parts should be. Any young women reading this blog, trust me when I say that men don't give a fig if your thighs don't touch. All they care about is having those thighs wrapped around their head and aren't we all a little bit grateful for that?

American Psycho

The next piece of business the Beauties must tend to is killing one of the chickens for a succulent meal. Unsurprisingly, our resident serial killer Jeremiah volunteers for the job. It has been a while since he has had the opportunity to satisfy his bloodlust so this is a particularly joyous occasion for the lad. With the bird's head in his fist, Jeremiah squeezes, swings and yanks the entire head and neck right off the creature. As the chicken's spasmodic body continues to walk around camp, Jeremiah grins and wipes the chicken blood on his face in a warrior fashion. The tribe collectively takes a few steps back away from Jeremiah as his eyes gleam and heart races. Only is the silence broken when Alexis asks, "So chickens don't need a brain to function?" *sigh* Everyone needs a brain to function, Alexis. Well, everyone except for some marine life and you.

The NOT beautiful Jeremiah Wood.

With the Beauties happily nibbling on their chicken, Funbags glares at Jeremiah out of the corner of her eye. She can't believe he won the costume contest with a stupid black skirt! I mean, she can't believe he betrayed her trust. He's as dumb as rocks and a big fat liar. Her words, not mine. And Funbags doesn't want to be conceited, but why is Jeremiah here in the first place? He's not that beautiful and only beautiful people are allowed on the Beauty tribe.

Meanwhile, over at the Brawn camp, Cagney is also peering out of the corner of her eye with a grimace. She sees Lindsey and Cliff talking and joking around and she doesn't like it one bit. Ever since Lacey (Tony) told Cagney that phony piece of intel about how Lindsey and Cliff want to vote her out, it has consumed Cagney day and night. She put out some BOLO's and APB's, made a list of Lindsey's known associates and before Cliff can lawyer up, she needs him gone. Like, now. Like, NOW now. Like, let's do something completely irrational and throw a Challenge now. I don't know if Cagney broke into the evidence room and got into some crystal meth but what the hell is she thinking?! You never, and I mean NEVER, throw a Challenge. Especially if it's based on the intel from a guy who lied to you about being a cop in the first place!

In order to pull off her cockamamie plan, Cagney pulls Woo into an interview room and begins her pitch by telling him how Cliff doesn't need the money. First off, Survivor isn't a game based on need. I don't care if a player is a Zillionaire, they deserve the same chance as a homeless person. We're playing a game here, not giving hand outs. Secondly, if you're Jeff Kent (and a loyal reader of this blog), then you know as well as I do that after taxes the prize comes out to a dead ant and a banana peel.

Surprisingly, after hearing Cagney's pitch, Woo agrees with her! Woo, who has been the Bubba to Cliff's Forrest, wants his chance to shine and know what it feels like to have a million dollars (a jar of toenail clippings if you're Jeff Kent). The two pound it out and agree to get rid of Cliff at the next vote.

And this brings us to my man Lacey. Lacey sees Cagney and Woo coming out of the trees and immediately wonders what they've been up to. Yo Lacey, had you built a mobile Spy Shack or a franchise of Spy Shacks, you wouldn't be wondering, you'd be knowing. I told you that Spy Shack is useless being stuck to one spot! Anyhow, Cagney fills in Lacey on Woo wanting to join forces and target Cliff. At first, Lacey is skeptical, but Cagney assures him that Woo is on board. They now have a 4 person alliance (Cagney, Lacey, Woo, MalnuTrisha (Trisha)) against Lindsey and Cliff. Cagney couldn't be more thrilled. She's stoked at the idea of 2 cops making it to the end. Lacey replies, "Cops 'R Us, baby!" You say Cops 'R Us, I say Keystone Cops.

Speaking of Lacey - excitable, anxious, jittery Lacey with an accent I have had much trouble trying to place. It has hints of everything from New Yawk to Bah-ston to rapper to Bristol and I've scratched my head many an evening trying to figure out where the hell I've heard it before. Last night it finally hit me. I figured it out!

Lacey speaks the language of Special K - a unique mélange of craziness.

Moving on... after the Brawns tribe reads their Tree Mail describing a basketball challenge, Cagney confronts all the members of the Keystone Cops and tells them that they should throw the Challenge. At home, every Survivor fan's reproductive organs either fell off or spilled out of them. Neighbors up the street frantically called 911 thinking those screams they were hearing was a violent altercation of someone in trouble. No dear neighbors, it was worse than that. It was a SURVIVOR WANTING TO WILLINGLY THROW A CHALLENGE. In the handbook of reality television, there are certain rules and guidelines you need to follow:

Rule #1: Never address the cameras directly unless you are in an interview situation. (Ahem, BB)

Rule #2: Never say that someone isn't deserving of the cash prize because they are wealthy.

Rule #3: Never bible thump, pray or say that God helped you in any way.

Rule #4: Never eat with your mouth open.

Rule #5: Never clap your hands when you're in the middle of an argument.

Rule #6: Never fake a romance to get the audience's approval.

Rule #7: Never name your own alliance.

Rule #8: Never ever ever throw a Challenge. Ever!

There are like 865 more rules, but those are the most important ones to me. What reality rules do you hold dear? Let me know in the comments.

So yeah, Cagney is committing a cardinal sin and only Woo seems to have a problem with it. Oh, it's not for ethical reasons of preserving the sanctity of the game. Poppycock! It's so he can maybe shoot hoops next to Cliff and score a victory together.

And this brings us to a hot mess of an Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge you are going to dive down and release a buoy. Once you've collected all 5 buoys you will throw those buoys into your basket. The first 2 tribes to get all their buoys in win Immunity. The last tribe to finish goes to Tribal Council. Lacey and Lindsey will sit out for the Brawns while Alexis will sit out for the Beauties. Survivors ready, go!

The first buoy is the easiest to release since it's only 3 ft down in the water, but Jenga is alive and lives and breathes which means that she is going to be a flailing hot mess who can barely dog paddle yet alone stick her head under the water. Then we have MalnuTrisha over on the Brawns tribe doing Cagney's bidding and purposely trying to suck at the Challenge. Which brings us back over to the Brawns where Kass, attorney at law, is sucking at the Challenge and gives up empty-handed.

This same pattern repeated for what seemed like eternity. We had the Brawns trying to suck and the Brains legitimately sucking. All the while, the Beauties actually did what they were supposed to. They hauled ass and BEAUTY WINS IMMUNITY!

The eternal battle of suckage continued until we got to the basketball portion. Cliff was crushing it - obviously - while Tempestt was struggling because that cinder block Jenga was in the water drowning rather than swimming the buoys back to Tempestt. Whose executive decision was it to put Jenga in the water and have her fetch balls? She can only swim doing the backstroke! I'm blaming Tasha for this one. She's taken the helm in every aspect of the tribe and I'm guessing she put Jenga in the water instead of herself. And that was the Brains ultimate downfall - that damn cinder block. With the buoys in the baskets at 4-3, Cliff shoots and scores and BRAWNS WIN IMMUNITY!

Back at the Brains tribe, Tempestt is naturally frustrated. He knows the girls have an alliance, but looking back on that Challenge he was the only one doing anything which makes this entire scenario incredibly unfair. Lucky for Tempestt, Kass, attorney at law, thinks it is unfair as well. Kass approaches Tasha in private and tells her that she really can't come up with a reason to get rid of Tempestt. Jenga was horrifyingly bad in that Challenge while Tempestt busted his ass trying to win. Listening to all of this, Tasha can't help but agree with Kass. There is no denying how hard Tempestt worked and how little Jenga did. They'll continue getting picked off one by one unless they have the strongest tribe possible and "strongest tribe possible" does not include Jenga.

After Kass and Tasha have come to the agreement that Jenga needs to go, Kass suggests that they still make Jenga feel safe as well as keep Tempestt in the dark. It's best for everyone involved that Jenga feels like she has nothing to worry about or else she could go bonkers again and burn down the shelter or pee in the water supply. Tasha agrees and the two head back to camp.

Kass and Tasha continue their charade of how Tempestt needs to go because as soon as they merge, he'll go team up with men. Tasha then brings up the subject of loyalty which sets Jenga off and running. Oh sure, on day 6 she threw rice on the fire, but she's loyal through and through. Yes siree bob. *raises hand* Loyal to who?! The Rice Satyr? You sure weren't loyal to your tribe when you DESTROYED THEIR FOOD. So now, brimming with all that loyalty, Jenga is hanging on for dear life - just like the cat in that 'Hang In There' poster. Jenga tells Kass and Tasha that since they had her back and kept her, she is 100% loyal to them and always will be even during the Merge.

And that's all it took. One measly promise from a girl who can't swim, who can't solve puzzles, who is lazy around camp, who could destroy crucial elements of survival at any moment and who is an all around pain in the ass to convince Tasha that maybe they should keep her after all. Tasha is a wishy washy flibbertigibbet. If we're being completely honest here, she's just as bad in Challenges as Jenga is! What's worse is that she's the one who holds all those ridiculous practice sessions where she barks orders at everyone. She's very Lord Grantham. She's fancies herself a leader, but she's really the angel of death and bankruptcy.

And this brings us to Tribal Council where we have no idea how Kass and Tasha are going to roll. Kass simply wants Tasha to make a decision while I simply want Kass to nut up and take the reins of this joke of a tribe. Kass is leader material. I am fully confident that she can do the job.

Tribal Council begins with the smack of Dimples' hands against his khakis and continues with silence. A deafening silence as Dimples stares at the Brains and wonders what they have to say for themselves. The Brains all kind of stare at the ground while Dimples shrugs his shoulders and wonders if perhaps shooting them all in the head would be an easier way to get through this. Personally, I think they should all be made to dance with one of those snakes we keep seeing in the cut aways. Whoever doesn't get bit can stay and play Survivor.

After what seemed like minutes, Dimples finally asks Jenga what her responsibility is in relation to Challenge losses. Jenga replies that she did her best and that all of this "loss" is actually quite unusual for her. Usually she rises to the top (of a nuclear explosion) in high stress situations. I just want to say here and now that having Jenga in charge of anything remotely related to the possibility of me getting sick from radiation poisoning scares the crap out of me. I don't care if she's answering phones down at the reactor site. I don't care if she's the parking attendant in the staff parking lot at the reactor site. I don't want her anywhere near one of those places. If any government officials are reading this, please revoke the Copacabana degree she has hanging in her assisted living dorm and make us all a little bit safer. I'm not joking. I know I frequently exaggerate things in my little recaps, but I have seen nothing from this girl other than a walking disaster. It's is truly frightening.

What else is frightening is that Tasha hasn't bothered to make any sort of decision as to whom she plans on voting out. None! I'm not sure why she thought Tribal Council was the place to have her meeting with Kass, but that is indeed what happened. As Tempestt is explaining why he is valuable to this tribe, Tasha frantically whispers to Kass, "What do you want to do?" Oh come on! You're the self proclaimed leader for crying out loud!

Clearly Dimples is as just as frustrated as we all were because he interrupts Tempestt and points out that the most important decision regarding his game is happening RIGHT NOW. And Tempestt, Tempestt!, is all, "Yeah I know." Didn't he describe himself as a "diabolical genius" in the premiere episode? There is nothing diabolical about him and, I'm sorry, but I see no geniuses anywhere.

Let's get this over with. By a vote of thirty fifteen to nine twelvety, Jenga is the 4th person voted out.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? I'm not even going to ask if they made the right decision because OF COURSE THEY DID. What do you think about Cagney wanting to throw the Challenge? Will Lindsey miss her vagina? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!