Thursday, April 3, 2014

Bang Bang


The dank basement smelled metallic and musty as the overhead fluorescent lights buzzed and flickered revealing one new horror after another. The lead investigator on the case had just walked into a scene unlike any she had ever experienced before. 8 years on the force had brought her everything from bodies in car trunks, suicides hanging from trees and the most vile cases of child abuse you could ever imagine. But nothing could have possibly prepared her for the gruesome display of human vivisection laid out before her at this very moment. Pools of blood seemed to join hands and spread across the entire floor as bloodied instruments sat in silence as if resting after a hard day's work.

It was the eyeballs on the shelf that caught her attention first. Eyeballs without a skull look a little bit like ping pong balls staring at you. Staring with that frozen look of fear forever tattooed shiny and slick. With her own eyes she followed the disembodied ones across the room to discover what they were looking at. There, on a gurney, was a body seemingly zipped open from neck to pubis. Its organs replaced with puzzle pieces. Painted wooden blocks with letters painted on all 6 sides. She knew she wasn't supposed to touch anything until the rest of the team arrived, but she couldn't help herself. She had to know what those blocks spelled.

Keeping her eyes averted to the crudely removed heart and lungs on her left she strapped on her latex gloves and removed the wooden blocks one by one from the still warm body. Wiping away the blood and viscera on her pants, she placed the blocks on the only dry spot on the floor and attempted to spell different phrases, but nothing seemed to make sense...

Shit basket open her.

Sob. Her penis taketh.

Heathens rip best, ok?

Again and again each phrase seemed sillier than the next.

Spit the boneshaker.

Startling her out of her frustration, her walkie talkie bleeped as her partner told her he was 2 minutes out. She had to figure this out before he got here! With the adrenaline pumping and her fingers shaking, she rearranged the blocks one last time and whispered aloud...

THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN.

It was then that a giggle startled her. It came from the corner of the room. Snapping her gun from her holster she leapt up and aimed at the darkened corner where the giggling grew louder and louder. As she slowly inched towards the laughter and her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she saw him. The Survivor Serial Killer squishing what appeared to be a liver in between his dirty fingers. And when Sarah's eyes finally locked on Jeremiah's, she knew that the tribe had indeed spoken. She was out of time.

Let's recap, shall we?


With the moon high and the night thick with blackness, we continue our salacious saga at Atari (Aparri). As the weary travelers return from Tribal Council, Tempestt (Spencer) is feeling spry and loose. Voting out one of his own hasn't rattled him none because as it stands right now the Ataris have the majority in the case of a Merge. Cagney (Sarah), however, thinks that resting on their laurels is for suckers. Instead, she wants them all to decide who they'll vote off of the other tribe if they are to Merge tomorrow. We hear someone mumble the name "MalnuTrisha" (Trisha) and, seemingly satisfied, the group puts all of their hands into the center of a circle cementing a flimsy Top 6. Kass, attorney at law, isn't as optimistic and relaxed as the rest of her tribe. She has seen deals like this go down before - Guilty pleas changed to Not Guilty, judges bought with mob dollars, crooked cops lying through their teeth on the stand. Kass has experienced it all. So she'll go ahead play along with yet another silly handshake, but she knows that the best laid plans often end up sprawled out on a murder scene floor... or stuffed inside of a dissected corpse.


With the memory of the Top 6 handshake in the forefront of her mind, Kass, attorney at law, begins the next morning with a walk on the beach with Cagney. Cagney reiterates that the Top 6 will be totally fine as long as they don't let on as to whom they're planning to voting out. Kass nods in agreement. Up, down, up, down, up... "The only people that personally I would be concerned are you and Jeremiah."... down. Oh dear. Kass is doing that thing again. That awesome thing where her ability to tell falsehoods is switched off and the Truth Spell is activated. It didn't go down so well on that episode of Charmed and it's about to wreak a little havoc here on Survivor.

Upon hearing that Kass is suspicious of her, Cagney crosses her arms over her chest and begins inching the fingers of her bottom hand towards the pistol in her under arm holster. Gripping the department-issued Glock with her right hand, Cagney tells Kass that she is offended hearing that Kass doesn't trust her. Kass shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't think you'll flip. You'd be stupid to flip. I didn't mean to offend you." I want to live in the universe that is Kass's mind. I want to live in a place where you can say, "I think you're a lying stupid face" and have it not be offensive. I'd tell everyone everything. Like just last week I was at the airport and a guy reeking of cumin and bleu cheese walked right by me effectively causing me to choke and gag. In response, I slid down in my seat and lowered my chin into my scarf. With my nose safely covered, I closed my eyes and prayed that Mr. Stinky Pants wouldn't be sitting next to me on my 5 1/2 hour flight.


Now, if I was Kass, my reaction would have been quite different. Instead of screaming to myself inside my brain and panicking unnecessarily, I would have simply walked over to the Newsstand, purchased a stick of Mitchum, walked back to the gate, tossed the stick into Mr. Stinky Pants lap and declared, "You stink. Put this on before you board the plane and kill us all." It's quick, effective and doing the public a great service. That all sounds great, but we're forgetting that a maneuver like this also requires balls. Big swinging sweaty balls. Kass has them which is a little surprising to Cagney who thinks she has them too. A police officer should have balls I suppose. They probably give you a pair when you get your badge and Dunkin' Donuts coupon. But as much as Cagney likes to go on and on about how you don't want to piss her off or get on her bad side, I think her balls got left behind in Customs because the only response she has for Kass is, "I'm nahhht flipping. I'm nahhht."

And so, with Cagney now on edge and Kass telling the various insects that inhabit camp exactly what she thinks of their insect-y ways, Tree Mail arrives and reads, "You guys are merging." Tempestt scratches his head and says, "I think we're merging. I mean, I hope we're merging." Tasha then claps her hands abruptly, "Alright everyone, let's practice!"

Meanwhile, over at Salami (Solana) LJ and Lacey (Tony) read about the Merge and immediately run to dig up their respective Hidden Immunity Idols. Both men are well aware that their tribe has one less member than the Ataris. If ever there was a week that they might need their Idols, this week is it. Surprisingly, to just about everyone I think, Lacey confesses that if he needs to use his Idol on a tribemate, he will. There is a team spirit at Salami that hasn't ever existed at Atari. They're a tight and supportive group that knows their strength is in numbers. They may only have 5 right now, but they are a cohesive unit. Over at Atari you've got 6 individuals and when you play as an individual you are at a greater risk of going home.

And this brings us to the Merge:


"Oh my god, here they come." 
"Hi guys, we come in peace!"
"Something is suspicious about this. Something is brewing."
"Hey, we brought food and wine!"
"Get in your formations and remember what we did in practice!"


When the Salamis finally arrive ashore, the two tribes hug and greet each other pleasantly enough. They ooh and ahh over their fancy new black buffs at the same time discovering that yet another Hidden Immunity Idol is now in play. Not only is there another Idol to uncover, but this Idol has special powers. Naturally, or perhaps unnaturally, Mr. Wilde comes knocking on my noggin when I hear about this new statue with powers and my mind is immediately flooded with images of Survivors making reckless wishes as Dorian Gray did. Perhaps Funbags (Morgan) would wish for a world with no ugly people. Jeremiah might wish for a scythe or a hacksaw. And Jeffrey (Jefra)... well Jeffrey would probably wish for an incubator to hatch those eggs properly.

With a new tribe name in place - Ovarian (Solarrion), Jeffrey finally takes a look around her and realizes that the pipe cleaner Alexis is gone. Lacey, too, is mildly disturbed that she has been voted off. Without Alexis there to rejoin up with Jeffrey and the Salamis, Lacey is going to have reel Cagney back in. After all, she did swear on her badge way back when and, if you'll remember, there is no word stronger than the word of a cop. Riiiight.


With bellies full and and nothing but a lazy day ahead of them, the Survivors scatter hither and thither around camp. MalnuTrisha holds a Pilates class with Funbags, Tasha and Kass while Lacey, Woo and LJ discuss how Lacey needs to get Cagney back on their force. Wasting no time at all, Lacey pulls Cagney aside and asks her where her loyalty lies. She replies by telling him that in all honesty she is floating right now. Unsatisfied with this answer, Lacey tells her that they've got a strong alliance of 6 with her and one by one by one they'll start picking off the rest of the Ataris. Cagney replies by shifting her weight side to side and pretending to adjust the piece of driftwood she fashioned into a police baton. Lacey, picking up on her uneasiness, blurts, "Swear on your badge! Swear on your badge right now!" Cagney states matter of factly that she can't at this point in time. *sigh* This isn't a time to pretend you're Kass, Cagney. Lie! Lie to him and make him feel comfortable you twit!

Not only did she play out that scene with Lacey all wrong, but while musing on the conversation for our benefit Cagney makes that all too common mistake of thinking that being a swing vote makes you the most powerful player in the game. No, no and no. All being a swing vote means is that you're on the bottom of not only one, but two alliances. It means you're wishy washy and can't commit. It means you probably don't have many friends and might be really freaking annoying and arrogant. There are two things that bother me in life - foods with textures like pudding and Survivors saying, "I'm in control of the game." Pudding is mushy and gross and might as well be a bite full of mucus in your mouth. As for saying you're the all great and powerful and Survivor, well, that's just silly.

When you get silly and highfalutin about one thing, you're bound to get silly and highfalutin about everything else. While meeting with the task force that are the Salamis, Cagney debriefs the team on what is about to happen...

"Alright team, we've got two perps on the loose. One is beautiful and the other one is from a land of unknown origin. The beautiful one goes by the street name 'LJ' and all evidence points to him being unarmed and not having an Idol."
"Umm I think he does have an Idol."
"But MY file says he's unarmed. Moving on... Our second perp is difficult to understand, absolutely unarmed and definitely laughs like a loon."
"How do you know he doesn't have an Idol?"
"Because I said so!"
"I think we should go after Jeffrey."
"Negative."
"Well, I think we should go after MalnuTrisha."
"No! I'm the commissioner and I say no! Now go out and commandeer a rowboat before sundown."


Yeah, Cagney is pretty unbearable. You know it, I know it and Kass, attorney at law, definitely knows it. The Ataris are supposed to be a team, but there is nothing team-like in Cagney barking orders at everyone and refusing to vote out who the rest of the team wants to vote out. To make matters worse, Cagney then goes and brings up that b-word. No, not bitch. BULLY. Because Kass and Jeremiah won't bend to Cagney's will, she says they're bullying her. Really? Really Cagney? Bullying? Oh stick a cork in it. No one is bullying you. I hate that term and find it offensive, but if we're splitting hairs here, if anyone is the bully it's YOU. And while I'm on the topic I move that the word "bully" be stricken from all reality shows and all music video themes. From now on the only person allowed to say "bully", is a turn of the century pipe smoker with a pocket watch and a handlebar mustache. He says, "Bully for you!" in that charming olden timey way. That's it! No one else is allowed to say it.


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge, you will balance on wooden Asian hats in the water while your feet suffer on little ridges. The last one left standing wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!



And because... obviously. WOO WINS IMMUNITY!


Back at Ovarian, Cagney is talking... again. Did you know that she's the swing vote? Did you know that there are 5 people here and 5 people there and that leaves only her in the middle? Did you know that she gets to pick a side? Did you know that she's in the best position possible? Did you know, did you know, did you know, did you know?!? *takes Cagney's gun out of her holster and shoots self in the head*

Time for another task force meeting!


"Alright team, who do we want to get out?"
"I think Jeffrey. I think the smartest would be Jeffrey."
"No!"
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking too... Jeffrey."
"No!"
"There is no way anyone would play an Idol on her."
"My case file says that none of them have an Idol."

So yeah, they're getting a lot accomplished.


Back onshore, the Salamis are watching the meeting in the water and deducing that Cagney must be the one in charge because she's the one who keeps hitting everyone with her driftwood baton. MalnuTrisha turns to Lacey and tells him that there is no way he can trust Cagney anymore. Plus, earlier in the day she witnessed Kass and Cagney have a little bitch spat where Kass was all "Rawr rawr!" and Cagney was all, "Rawr rawr rawr!"

Meanwhile, back in the water...



With the task force meeting over, Kass decides that she's had just about enough of Cagney calling the shots and destroying the game. In fact, instead of letting Cagney destroy the game, why doesn't Kass take this bull by the horns and destroy it herself? I have no idea what any of this "destroying" talk is referring to. Is it another rice dump? Is it a shelter fire? Is it having Woo practice his high kicks on Cagney's face? I don't know! All I know is that it sounds dramatic and delicious and something I definitely want to witness. Yay!


Like we've experienced before with Kass, whenever she gets the urge to make a game changing move, an opportunity always - ALWAYS - falls right into her lap. And that's exactly what happens when husky throaty MalnuTrisha (who is totally growing on me btw) asks in that smoky voice of hers, "Do you have any interest in joining us?" From my couch I whooped and cheered, sacrificed a virgin and hoped to goddess that Kass would say yes. After the two discuss how they'd both like to get rid of Cagney, Kass rolls around the idea of switching allegiances and the more she rolls it, the more she loves it. The excitement wells inside of her as well as MalnuTrisha who is breathily delivering the news to the boys, "[Kass] is with us!"


And this brings us to Xanadu... I mean, Tribal Council. All of our Survivors are lined up in a row. Both tribes think they have the upper hand. Both tribes couldn't be more wrong. Let's begin the madness!

We begin with LJ as he comments on how being voted out tonight would be the worst best compliment that he's a big threat in the game. And then we have Tasha, silly silly Tasha, who staunchly declares, "He SHOULD be worried!" You sure Tasha? You sure you don't want to hold another scrimmage and think it over?


And then we come to Lacey. Crazy kooky Lacey with what looks like antlers tattooed all up his arm. Lacey states that not only is everyone playing the game really smart (Ha!), but that Survivor isn't a numbers game, it's an alliance game. Tempestt then grabs his opportunity to mug it up for the cameras yet again by squenching his face and crinkling his nose in that "What poppycock!" kind of a way.

This is where Dimples decides to steer the conversation into a different direction and ask about Hidden Immunity Idols. He asks LJ if he thinks anyone happens to have one and are they a concern at all. LJ answers noncommittally by suggesting that there might not be an Idols at all.

"There's Idols."

Oh hello, Lacey. Do you have something you'd like to say?

"I got one."


Dun, dun, dun! Oh snap!

("It's right here. See?")

Tempestt once again makes his Kandi Burruss face and asks Lacey to prove it, "You want to pull it out?" Whoa, whoa, whoa... slow down there buddy. We don't need to see Lacey's p... ohhhh you meant pull out the Idol. Never mind! So yeah, show us your Idol, Lacey. And you know what? He does! All of the blood immediately drains from Cagney's face, Jeffrey thanks God, Tempestt turns bright red and Tasha can't push her eyeballs back in quickly enough. It was FANTASTIC! Oh sure, maybe it wasn't the brightest thing for Lacey to do, but it was drama! And that's all I care about - the shade of it all.


Oh, but Lacey isn't done yet! He waves his arms over those Atari losers and says, "Look at these 6 faces right here, Dimples. Look what's going on right here, Dimples. Look at 'em, look at 'em, look at 'em." Tasha then chomps down on the inside of her cheek as Funbags starts to eat her lower lip. As for me, oh I laughed and I laughed. And then I paused and hit rewind, "Look at 'em, look at 'em, look at 'em." Ha! That could be one of my most favorite Tribal moments ever.


Obviously, this one holds the number 1 spot. Mama didn't raise no fool.

As expected, those silly No Brainers immediately begin to panic and Tasha starts whispering, "The other one, the other one, the other one..." One would think that someone who holds rehearsals all the time would have planned for every eventuality. Tempestt then announces, "I need a minute!" Meanwhile, all of the Salamis are poking one another ribs and yucking it up. It was fabulous!

And this brings us to the votes. If anyone has a Hidden Immunity Idol and would like to play it, now would be the time to do so. We all knew that crazy looney Lacey would use his, but did we know he'd give it to LJ?! WOW! I totally dig that kind of loyalty. But hey, we're not done yet because guess what? LJ would like to return the favor and now he is going to play his Idol for Lacey. Aww they're homeys! They're bros! They're both really really dumb, but in case I have to say it again... I love me some drama!

Let's read the votes...

JEFFREY... oh shit. A hush falls heavily over the scene.
CAGNEY... yes!
JEFFREY... *gulp*
CAGNEY... Cagney looks to the ground.
JEFFREY... tears begin to fill Jeffrey's eyes.
CAGNEY... Kass smiles.
JEFFREY... we have full on crying now.
CAGNEY... Cagney purses her lips as Jeffrey looks anxiously to the side.
JEFFREY... *silence*
CAGNEY... my heart!
We have a tie. 5 votes Jeffrey and 5 votes Cagney.
*pause*



The 7th person voted out of Survivor Contagion is... CAGNEY!!! *fireworks fill the sky* Lacey immediately starts clapping and mutters, "Bang bang." Open-mouthed, Cagney looks around her and asks, "Who flipped?" Of course muggy mug Tempestt has to have a head shaking reply, "Kass! Zero chance of winning the game." *ahem* Douche.

And there you have it. Holy Christ, that was intense. So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you happy that Cagney went home? Can the Salamis stay loyal to each other? How many faces will Tempestt make for the camera next week? More importantly, should I start writing crime novels? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!