Thursday, April 10, 2014

A Pillow Or A Person

I'm supposed to write a blog today. I'm supposed to recap last night's shenanigans in a charmingly witty way. I'm supposed to.

But, but, but... ribbons and lace and hat boxes and scented candles! Too distracting. Look over there. A flouncy petticoat and a delicate pink shawl! And over there. A cameo necklace. And, and, and... dried flowers, a string of pearls, panty hose hanging over the shower door, a harp! Good god, not a harp. And not just an everyday harp, but a harp with a pink tufted stool next to it. What a travesty. It might as well be an olden timey perfume bottle. You know the ones. The kind with the puffy atomizer pump festooned with fringe and dangling beads.

So many pretty pretty trinkets to gaze longingly at. And me here in my Lily Pulitzer canopied bed. Crabtree & Evelyn hand cream on my decoupaged nightstand. An empty Wedgewood teacup with a dried stiff chamomile teabag stuck to the side of it. And me lying here in my nightie overcome with estrogen. It courses through my veins and seeps through every pore. It paints my toenails pink and makes my skin smell of jasmine bath oils. It puts soft bouncy curls in my hair and adorns my earlobes with the daintiest diamond studs.

Dear readers I ask you, how can I possibly string sentences together with dream bubbles of fluffy kittens and meadows full of wild flowers dancing above my head? This estrogen is so debilitating. It cripples my logic. It exhausts my very being. Oh pesky pesky estrogen. Instead, I'll lie back on my silk pillow, lower my eye shades and sink back down into my Egyptian cotton where I'll hopefully once again dream of bluebells, wisteria and silver hand mirrors.

Let's recap, shall we?

We continue our feminine fete with the most womanly of symbols, that goddess of tides and seasons, the ever-present moon gazing down upon Ovarian (Solarrion). Head jostling muggy mug Tempestt (Spencer), spasming from within over being bamboozled by a woman, shakes his head ferociously while Kass, attorney at law, shrugs her shoulders and nonchalantly says that she understands how people might be mad at her. You see, Kass is a pragmatist. She sees things for what they are on the surface rather than stopping to ponder the whys of the way people conduct themselves. Either a thing is fact or fiction. Fact: Cagney (Sarah) was incredibly annoying and had to go. Fact: Kass thinks blindsides are fun. Fact: Kass is playing for Kass to win, not anyone else.

So, considering all of these facts and the systematic way in which Kass sees the world, it is not only perplexing but tit bouncingly hysterical when Tempestt, oh manly Tempestt, accuses Kass of being yanked hither and thither because of her estrogen. Like, "You can't think straight because of your estrogen." Or, "You didn't play how I wanted you to play because of your damn estrogen." Yo Tempestt, pop a Midol and place a heating pad on your ovaries, dude. Cagney didn't like Kass and could have turned on her at any moment. I'm sorry if that tangles up your hair ribbons, but not every decision in the game is about you. Kass hornswoggled you and now you're going to have to deal with it. If clutching your pearls and telling everyone to shut up is how you get through the bad times then so be it. But in the words of the great Ramona Singer, "TAKE A XANAX! CALM DOWN!"

Emboldened with the satisfaction of a blindside well done, Kass awakens to a new day prepared not to take anyone's shit. She got rid of a know-it-all, had two big threatening guys play their Idols unnecessarily and this morning she's feeling pretty proud of herself. I love days like that. Those days after you've just kicked some ass and you're brimming over with self confidence and entitlement. Snide remarks you'd normally let slide suddenly become fuel for you to finally put people in their place. You're fearless. You're plucky. And you're not going to take it anymore when a windpipe like Funbags (Morgan) lolls about and expects everyone to wait on her hand and foot...

"Ah we gettin' some wutter tah-day?"
"Maybe Funbags can get the water today."
"Wah iz she?"
"In her usual place."
"Funbags, youse gettin' wutter?"
"I can get water but I don't see how her saying it in a rude way is going to make me get water."
"Everything I say to you is going to be in a rude way because you've been being rude to me."

BAM! POW! Suck on that, Funbags. Get off your lazy ass and do something. Kass, and everyone else, is pretty fed up with how Funbags thinks she's the center of the universe. Funbags is under the assumption that people keep her around for her "cuteness" when in actuality she's like the old dog who pees on himself. She just sits there in a puddle of her own filth and expects others to clean it up for her.

To hear Funbags tell her side of the story is pretty appalling. You'd think that maybe she'd justify resenting Kass for how she betrayed her alliance, but nooooo. No, that's not what Funbags does. Instead, Funbags says that Kass is a bitter ugly old lady who is probably used to being ignored all her life. Whereas, and she doesn't mean to sound conceited, Funbags is "cuter" than Kass. First off, Funbags, pet, you're not that cute. You've got big tits. That's why people give you attention. I've got some luscious knockers myself and, believe me, when I wear a low cut top I can pretty much get whatever I want. Let's call a spade a spade here. Guys are mesmerized by tits and ass. They are simpletons that when they see two pieces of flesh pressed together their brains go jingle jangle and they start speaking in tongues. It doesn't mean you, my dear, have magical powers. ALL women can do the same if they bend over at the right angle. There are millions of girls much much prettier than you are so you can just climb down off that high horse of yours. The more you speak and do that "I don't mean to be conceited but I'm cute" thing that you do, the uglier you become. In fact, I'm willing to bet that every male viewer would prefer it if your mouth was duct taped shut and you had a bag over your head. All they want to see are the boobies struggling against those two small pieces of fabric.

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Reward Challenge, you'll be split up into two teams. Each team will have to walk across a balance beam, climb up a wall, drag a treasure chest up said wall, and solve a puzzle. The Purple team will be Kass, MalnuTrisha (Trish), Lacey (Tony), Woo and Tasha. The Orange team will be Tempestt, LJ, Funbags, Jeffrey (Jefra) and Jeremiah. You'll be playing to be a part of a commercial for Outback Steakhouse's Bacon Margarita. Gross. Survivors ready, go!

And with the magic of fast forwarding and my complete and utter refusal to recap Challenges anymore... ORANGE TEAM WINS REWARD!!! And at home we all groaned knowing that Funbags is happy.

Back at Ovarian, it's a silver lining kind of a day. Crabby snacks and homemades for everyone! Instead of being down and out about their loss, the Purple team members decide to keep their heads up and enjoy a double helping of rice for lunch. With those pesky Reward Challenge winners gone, Kass uses the opportunity to bring up the next Tribal Council. She asks the group who they're more worried about, Tempestt or Jeremiah. Lacey brings up how Jeremiah doesn't talk too much (because he's busy hacking them all to bits in his mind) while Kass suggests that Tempestt is good at challenges. MalnuTrisha, however, thinks that Kass should make the decision between the two since she has hung out with Tempestt more than any of the former Brawns have. Kass quickly poo-poo's that idea not wanting the weight of that responsibility on her shoulders.

In an aside to us, Kass declares that as far as she is concerned, she is still a free agent and has no alliance. She wants it known that she has no intention of calling the shots like Cagney did. Listening to all of this, Lacey hopes that Kass is telling the truth. He hopes that she's serious about voting with them at the next Tribal Council.

Meanwhile, off at the Reward, the Orange team is arriving at a makeshift Outback Steakhouse shack. Unfortunately, we get Funbags describing it all in that monotone lazy voice of hers which means we all nodded off and only awakened when our heads banged into our tumblers of gin. Ouchie. The girl talks like she's reading a scientific journal about the mating habits of insects or something. It's brutal. ANYHOW, after caveman Tempestt finished shoving handfuls of red meat into his mouth, he finally decides to wipe his hands. And what do you suppose was tucked inside of his napkin? Yup, you guessed it. A clue to another Hidden Immunity Idol. The scene ends with Jeremiah announcing, "I'll stick a fork in all y'all. You're done!" *stab stab stab*

Back at Ovarian, just as the Orange team is returning with their full bellies, the sky opens up and the rains return. With our soggy Survivors tucked away inside the shelter, Tempestt decides that now is the best time to steal away to read his clue and hunt for the Idol. Woo watches Tempestt sneak off into the trees and, as a long time fan of Survivor, he knows that the chances are pretty high that Tempestt discovered a clue while at the Reward.

Tempestt, all gestures and face scrunches, lacks the ability to do anything stealthily when followed by a cameraman. He can't simply express his frustration in words, he has to dramatically toss his arms upwards and exhale loudly before placing his hands on his waist. This is the universal pose for "Hmm I know it's around here somewhere, but gosh darn is this is going to be tough." Look, I know you're looking for the Idol and the clue is vague. I know you'll have a time of it. All of the viewers know. We know because we're already following you. The sweeping of the arms and the tortured facial expressions are unnecessary - unless you're a mime in training. In which case, can you give Funbags some lessons because her monotone voice drives me nuts? Thanks.

So with Tempestt gesticulating wildly for the benefit of his cameraman, Woo, stealthy light on his feet Woo, follows the gestures in hopes of finding the Idol for himself. With his man buns tied tightly he creeps about through the brush careful not to make a sound while weirdo mime Tempestt auditioning for the Commedia dell'Arte disrobes magnifying each movement. It is a long drawn out ridiculous show that involved placing the clue in his teeth, holding his pants up to his face as he lines up the pleats and then finally, finally!, he placing the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol ON TOP of the fabric of his pants. On. Top. He doesn't tuck it safely deep down in the pocket nor does he hide it in the toe of his shoe. He places a loose piece of parchment atop his khakis before flimsily throwing an empty leg over it.

With Woo lurking in the bushes watching his every movement, Tempestt attempts and fails to find the Idol. Frustrated and wet, Tempestt moves to another part of the creek to continue his search running smack dab into Ninja Woo. Woo brushes it off and pretends that he too is out for a walk. The two exchange a "Hey buddy" and a "Yup, out walking" before each going on their merry way. Woo then comes across Tempestt's khakis and, being the good samaritan he is, tosses them to Tempestt.

According to the laws of physics and gravity and common sense, if you throw a pair of pants in the air with a piece of paper loosely resting on them, that piece of paper will fall to the ground and a delightful chase scene will ensue. Upon seeing the piece of paper on the ground, Woo snatches it up and hauls ass into the woods. Only after signaling with his arms and forming his lips into an "O" while his eyes bug out does Tempestt take off running after Woo. Lighter, quicker, and not pausing for costume changes or denouements, Woo whizzes through the trees "Sonic The Hedgehog Style" cutting back and forth across the path and back to camp.

What can Tempestt do but pause to take the stage alone and dramatically lift his hand to his brow and exhale? Well, I'll tell you one thing he can do. He can stop yukking it up and keep chasing after Woo!

Woo arrives at camp breathless and immediately asks the sleeping Funbags and her ladies in waiting if they knew about Tempestt having the clue for the Idol. Funbags yawns and looks at Woo with an annoyed look on her face. She doesn't mean to be conceited or anything, but Woo isn't nearly as cute as she is. Then she rolls over again and goes back to sleep. Woo, however, gathers up his troops and heads off to find the clue himself. Shortly thereafter, Tempestt arrives whining and kicking rocks about how Woo stole his clue. Not only is he tattling and whining but he's lying. He tells his alliance that Woo threw his pants in the water and stole his clue. Woo did no such thing! Woo tossed the pants to Tempestt not even knowing that the clue was there to begin with. Shady shady Tempestt then begs his own troops to help him in the search. Watching Funbags awaken and put one foot in the front of the other shocks everyone especially Lacey. He remarks, "You know it's bad when Funbags, the girl that you can't tell if she's a pillow or a person, because she doesn't do anything, you know it's serious, when she's up off her ass looking for this Idol." Serious indeed.

And so, with both alliances feverishly looking for the Idol, Tempestt stands to the side slapping his legs, kicking rocks and sighing loudly. Eventually he rejoins the search and rescue and wouldn't you know it? Flibberty jibbit. He finds the Idol stuck deep inside of a mud wall. Dammit! I wanted someone else to find out so Tempestt would maybe act out his own suicide and succeed. I can't stand him! (I don't really want him to die. I just, you know, want him to go away! He angers me so with his FACE.)

For Tempestt. Maui, January 2014

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge you will stand on your toes with a block wedged between your head and the frame. When your block falls, you are out of the Challenge. Tempestt, since he's a major douche, has to wedge the sea urchin I found on the beach in Maui between his head and the frame instead of the block. Last person standing wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!

Plop, plop, plop. All the Survivors drop. And who are we left with? Ugh! TEMPESTT WINS IMMUNITY!!! Damn him!

With Tempestt safe from the vote, the big question now is whom to send home. The big alliance of six meets on the beach to discuss their options. LJ suggests that Funbags is the easy and obvious choice while MalnuTrisha suggests that Tasha should go instead. Tasha made it to 2nd place in that last Immunity Challenge and that makes her a threat now. Lacey, however, my man Lacey is worried that if one of the other alliance does have the Idol that they would be more inclined to use it on Tasha over Funbags. No one in their right mind would sacrifice their Idol to save that lazy lump. I mean, lumps. To emphasize his point Lacey points to the shelter where Funbags is resting and says, "Look at her! Will everybody just look at her?! She does nothing but sleep. Get her the hell off the island." Lacey's logic begins to make some sense to the others as it begins to look like Funbags will be the target. And if for some reason, Tribal Council gets crazy like it did last time, Tasha will be their Plan B choice.

Seeing the other alliance talking and planning, Jeremiah asks his group who they're voting for tonight. Funbags mumbles "Kass" followed by "But our votes aren't going to count anyways." Tempestt then suggests that maybe they should all vote Lacey instead in the off chance that he does something stupid at Tribal. Funny one-liners, a laugh like a loon and giggling at the other Survivors while pointing at them does NOT count as "something stupid" I'll have you know.

In thinking about his plan to try to get rid of my precious Lacey, Tempestt comes to the conclusion that he has no other choice but to make a pitch to Kass, attorney at law, to flip again. Kass predicted this might happen and she was right! She knew her old alliance would be mad at her, but she also knew that, in a bind, they'd beg for her to come back. Kass responds to Tempestt's pitch by telling him that she'll seriously think about it and that it's definitely an option for her. Personally, this isn't the response I was hoping to hear. I like Kass and I like several people in her new alliance (Lacey, MalnuTrisha, Woo, LJ), but I don't like the idea of having her piss them off. Tempestt and his crew of thumbtacks might get over betrayal quickly, but Lacey and his crew won't.

The big question now is, what will Kass do? And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples begins by asking Lacey about what went down at last week's Tribal. Lacey tells him that the wind simply switched directions and now they have an alliance of 6 instead of 4. Kass very matter of factly raises her hand, "And Dimples, obviously I was the wind that blew through." In the Jury stands, Cagney rolled her eyes, but at home I laughed and I laughed. I love a confident Kass. She's succinct and she doesn't waste anyone's time with politically correct answers.

We then turn to Tempestt who makes a sad face and admits that he got a little out of hand after the last Tribal. He then says something that I couldn't make head or tails of. He says he'd rather go out of the game now with a risk at winning (?) and then he mimed a bunch of things, winked and danced a jig. I don't know what it was supposed to mean, but I think it's something like, "Look at me! Look how I can be dynamic and interesting!"

And this brings us to Funbags. *sigh* Funbags is as about as smart as a doorknob. And her logic, well let's just say that she has none. She admits being weak in Challenges and then farts out something like, "If everyone in the world could choose to be cute or ugly, most would pick cute." And then I thought to myself, "Well, why didn't you?" Ba dum bum! I'm here all week, people. Alright look, Funbags is a dolt with big jugs and if Kass had any inkling to cross back to Tempestt's side, Funbags just completely destroyed it by opening her mouth and letting words fall out of it. More importantly, I gotta scoot. I'm about to become a homeowner (OH MY GOD) and this little lady has to finally stop eating grapes by hanging the bunch over her mouth and go find herself some real live bowls to put them in. By a vote of 75 ugly people, Funbags is the 8th person voted out of Survivor Contagion.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Does Tempestt bother anyone else or is it just me? If an ugly person farts in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Is Woo faster than Sonic the Hedgehog? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!